You know how it is when you watch a show that mirrors something you are currently going through, it just heightens the emotions many times over? Or the other times when what you’re watching very much depicts what you very much desire, it stirs the longing in you tenfold?
I think for that reason alone, I really shd stop watching any shows with a romantic theme involved. Unfortunately, not being an action or horror movie fan leaves me with precious little alternatives. As such, sitting at home on a fri afternoon, running through my collection of downloaded stuff, it seems that any show I pick up will leave me either even more depressed, or else even more wistful. I just watched The Promise. Thank God I didn’t catch it at the cinema. Absolutely nonsense.
At least what’s true is that she still falls for the wrong guy despite the good guy doing everything for her, and this so even after she realizes the truth. This yr is barely 20 days old, and already I’ve seen 2 weddings and 2 breakups. 2 very very good breakups, I might add. Always felt that both girls had no idea why they were attracted to the guy in the first place, apart from how the boyfriends had enough money to make them very happy. At least for one of the weddings, I know it isn’t about money. Otherwise I think I’m just about ready to give up on love, and just go with money.
Lots and lots of money. It allows you be a nice guy, do lots of favours, buy all the right things for the girls, have the right resources to help the girls… and all she’ll see is that you’re a good guy, a nice guy. And of course, the subtle idea always forms in the mind, that the guy is either rich because he’s accomplished, or will become accomplished because he has the money to make things happen. So mebbe that’s the way to go, buddy. Maybe if Paul was driving a Porsche around, April would have been more willing to give him consideration. Or mebbe the rock-climbing chick would pay him more attention now. Grins. Perhaps even the 19 yr old. But hell, that’s too easy la. Maybe if I was filthy rich, Fiona would really be with me now, instead of with that rich ACS punk. Hehz…
They sure weren’t kidding abt how money makes the world go round. After all, just go compare the statistics of marriages that go bad when the money dried up, versus the marriages that turned bad when they still had money, and you’ll see.
I went to bed last night, and woke up 4 times with a really bad stomach. Thus my confinement at home today. Feeling kindda grouchy and moody. The thought of just changing myself into someone more mercenary came to my mind then, and the idea that perhaps love and happiness can be bought after all.
Being nice keeps you poor, keeps you single.
So there you go, folks. After Chinese New Year and after Valentines’ Day, being nice shall stop being a priority of mine. Its time for the “new me” to emerge. With any luck, I’ll make something of myself by the time I’m thirty, and then “true love” will come knocking.
Grins.
I've been the king, I've been the clown. Now broken wings can't hold me down. I'm free again. The jester with the broken crown, it won't be me this time around to love in vain.
Friday, January 20, 2006
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Save The Last Dance
Just finished watching “Save The Last Dance” by Julia Stiles. Man, she was unbelievable. Never knew she could really dance. I was actually in two minds abt watching it, but the show started with a tragedy, and so it got me hooked from the beginning. Now I can see why this show totally beat Tom Hank’s “Cast Away” to be the top movie over two weekends at the box office after they premiered at the same time. A story of a white chick who goes into a black neighbourhood and manages to make something of herself is usually something that is seen by the whites and dissed by the blacks. So I guess it speaks for itself when blacks were thronging to catch the show, and it speaks volumes of the talent that Stiles has. I still don’t think she’s the most subtle of actresses, but she makes it up with something that is very uniquely her, that comes across as being very genuine.
That aside, I got to spend a couple of hours over two nights at the park in the last two days. Have been spending quite a bit of time in prayer, as well as reading the bible. Its been a good start of the year for me… which makes me a little jittery… quiet peaceful moments in my life have always been followed by absolute chaos and trouble. But for now, I’m enjoying what I can.
I got to finally meet up with Magdalene, my JC classmate whom I’ve not met up with for 7 yrs now. But she’s the one who would faithfully send me a birthday card every year all the way from London where she spent the last 5 yrs studying, and she still calls me “angel”, a reference to the angel/mortal game we played at orientation, where she was my “mortal”. I remember what made it memorable was how she was absent from sch for the first 2 weeks cos she had chicken pox, so we only got to do the whole angel/mortal thing after everyone already knew who theirs was.
Was pretty disappointed to learn that after she broke up with her ex, she’s stopped attending church, and hasn’t down so since then. After all, I remember being so pleasantly surprised to hear her talk abt her struggles to keep attending church when she was there in London. It was only then that I learnt she had accepted Christ. So as we were recounting to each other abt how we’ve been since we left SAJC, we realized that all of us have really moved on. We’ve all changed so much. She shared that after 2A4, life has really been pretty lonely for her, with hardly anyone she can trust and confide in. And I shared with her before I left that one of the things that really worked for me was how in church I’ve had the privilege of sharing my life with a group of friends that I call family, who shares the same passions as I do, and who is there for each other despite changes to ours jobs, our ambitions, our partners, our looks… the whole lot.
We also talked abt the same thing Paul and I were just discussing the night before, that we’ve all now reached the “late twenties” category, which is actually really depressing. Never in the first 21 yrs of my life would I have imagined that in my late twenties I’d be without a degree, without a job, and without someone to call my own. Yet here I am now. You know, I’d really feel like the loser from “A Lot Like Love”, if not for the fact that even he managed to graduate, and there was actually someone in his life who loved him.
So there I was in the park, talking to God, asking Him – telling Him, actually, just how I feel abt the ways things have turned out… how time can never be redeemed, how regrets will always be here to stay, how bad things have this uncanny habit of snowballing while good things tend to happen only to be very hard to build upon… I guess I wasn’t looking for an answer from Him… that’s gotta come from me, in how I decide to move on and make something of the remaining years He still has in store for me. But it felt good to be in the park, praying, and somehow feeling that He’s listening… that He’s really listening.
I’m beginning to understand just why so many people live by the cliché that the less time you have to get things done, the more time you need to spend on prayer. Its one of the biggest mysteries in the world, but its really true, and you will never learn how true unless you actually give it a try. Its like how someone can explain the theory of buoyancy to you, so that even tho it instinctively doesn’t make sense that keeping still will help you float you still end up accepting it to be true… but until you go into the water and then force yourself to keep still so that you come up, it remains something you believe in, but never experienced.
I’m looking forward to the Bangkok trip. A couple of days away from Singapore means a couple of days away from the things that I can’t let go of.
That aside, I got to spend a couple of hours over two nights at the park in the last two days. Have been spending quite a bit of time in prayer, as well as reading the bible. Its been a good start of the year for me… which makes me a little jittery… quiet peaceful moments in my life have always been followed by absolute chaos and trouble. But for now, I’m enjoying what I can.
I got to finally meet up with Magdalene, my JC classmate whom I’ve not met up with for 7 yrs now. But she’s the one who would faithfully send me a birthday card every year all the way from London where she spent the last 5 yrs studying, and she still calls me “angel”, a reference to the angel/mortal game we played at orientation, where she was my “mortal”. I remember what made it memorable was how she was absent from sch for the first 2 weeks cos she had chicken pox, so we only got to do the whole angel/mortal thing after everyone already knew who theirs was.
Was pretty disappointed to learn that after she broke up with her ex, she’s stopped attending church, and hasn’t down so since then. After all, I remember being so pleasantly surprised to hear her talk abt her struggles to keep attending church when she was there in London. It was only then that I learnt she had accepted Christ. So as we were recounting to each other abt how we’ve been since we left SAJC, we realized that all of us have really moved on. We’ve all changed so much. She shared that after 2A4, life has really been pretty lonely for her, with hardly anyone she can trust and confide in. And I shared with her before I left that one of the things that really worked for me was how in church I’ve had the privilege of sharing my life with a group of friends that I call family, who shares the same passions as I do, and who is there for each other despite changes to ours jobs, our ambitions, our partners, our looks… the whole lot.
We also talked abt the same thing Paul and I were just discussing the night before, that we’ve all now reached the “late twenties” category, which is actually really depressing. Never in the first 21 yrs of my life would I have imagined that in my late twenties I’d be without a degree, without a job, and without someone to call my own. Yet here I am now. You know, I’d really feel like the loser from “A Lot Like Love”, if not for the fact that even he managed to graduate, and there was actually someone in his life who loved him.
So there I was in the park, talking to God, asking Him – telling Him, actually, just how I feel abt the ways things have turned out… how time can never be redeemed, how regrets will always be here to stay, how bad things have this uncanny habit of snowballing while good things tend to happen only to be very hard to build upon… I guess I wasn’t looking for an answer from Him… that’s gotta come from me, in how I decide to move on and make something of the remaining years He still has in store for me. But it felt good to be in the park, praying, and somehow feeling that He’s listening… that He’s really listening.
I’m beginning to understand just why so many people live by the cliché that the less time you have to get things done, the more time you need to spend on prayer. Its one of the biggest mysteries in the world, but its really true, and you will never learn how true unless you actually give it a try. Its like how someone can explain the theory of buoyancy to you, so that even tho it instinctively doesn’t make sense that keeping still will help you float you still end up accepting it to be true… but until you go into the water and then force yourself to keep still so that you come up, it remains something you believe in, but never experienced.
I’m looking forward to the Bangkok trip. A couple of days away from Singapore means a couple of days away from the things that I can’t let go of.
Monday, January 16, 2006
Happiness & Tears
You know how there are days when you hear good news and you’re happy for the friends who told you about it? And then there are days when the good news actually spills over to yourself, so that you don’t just feel happy for the person, but is actually happy?
Well, its one of those occasions now, seeing Xianghui and Lishan tie the knot. With so many parents that I see whose marriages end up sterile and flat, while maintaining a façade of bliss and joy… I begin to see why this generation of youth places so little faith in marriage. Which would explain why so many couples just live-in together, and just not take the next step into a commitment. After all, beyond the mere hollow and empty rhetoric of what marriage actually symbolizes, many of those who preach the values of marriage are themselves in a pretty lifeless and even loveless one.
So it is that I seldom attend weddings without having a few question marks of my own about the couple, that does leave me wondering if theirs is going to be a happily-ever-after. But Xianghui and Lishan are two people for whom I really feel very safe about, and very happy for. I guess in a way, it is selfishness that prompted my happiness at their marriage, cos it tells me that a successful relationship still happens once in a blue moon, where two people in a stable relationship would marry one another even tho financially they’re on pretty dangerous ground.
I dunno. I find it sweet, even romantic, that two people would want to commit to each other for the rest of their lives, and be willing to tough it out together. 9 out of 10 couples treat money as a must-have insurance to ensure their marriage is stable… then claim its not about money but abt love. Then they wonder why the marriage falls apart when the money runs dry.
Grins.
That aside, I think I’ve really had a pretty good week. Been feeling lighter. I’ve learnt that if you want to cry and not let anyone in the house know it, showering is the perfect place to do so.
And no, its not been a week of sobbing, or emotional despair. But just a week where I’ve been more able to let go and not control myself so much. So be it when I’m praying, when I’m reading a book and something moved me, watching a show and something struck me, or else just my usual despairing self at all other times, I’ve been able to let go and not hold back.
I remember saying to someone just within a couple of months ago, that I can’t remember the last time I let myself go, and cry when I want to. Just as the natural instinct is to flinch away from a hot flame when coming into contact with it, so it seems that emotionally I’ve conditioned myself to flinch away from any instance when I think I’m going to break down. I seem to react before I even realize I’m doing it, just hardening myself before I start to cry, my brain turns away from the theme and think of something more passive and neutral, and I only return to it after I’ve gotten a firmer grip on my emotions.
I don’t know what made me turn into that. What made me so afraid to feel, what made me so afraid to let go and be myself, what made me repress myself, and suppress my emotions so.
And that probably explains also why I always look so stiff on stage. People always complain that I murmur and talk too soft, and I always feel so uncomfortable up there. Mebbe I’m just trying too hard.
But of course, just when things seem to go well, Man Utd had to crash to a 3-1 defeat against Man City.
Dammit.
Well, now that the wedding is over, its time to really really settle down and do some serious studying already. I’ll be flying off this fri to Bangkok, back on Monday late afternoon. After which I’ll be rushing down to attend my night classes again.
I think on my tombstone, I’ll want to just have two words on if – “If only…”
Well, its one of those occasions now, seeing Xianghui and Lishan tie the knot. With so many parents that I see whose marriages end up sterile and flat, while maintaining a façade of bliss and joy… I begin to see why this generation of youth places so little faith in marriage. Which would explain why so many couples just live-in together, and just not take the next step into a commitment. After all, beyond the mere hollow and empty rhetoric of what marriage actually symbolizes, many of those who preach the values of marriage are themselves in a pretty lifeless and even loveless one.
So it is that I seldom attend weddings without having a few question marks of my own about the couple, that does leave me wondering if theirs is going to be a happily-ever-after. But Xianghui and Lishan are two people for whom I really feel very safe about, and very happy for. I guess in a way, it is selfishness that prompted my happiness at their marriage, cos it tells me that a successful relationship still happens once in a blue moon, where two people in a stable relationship would marry one another even tho financially they’re on pretty dangerous ground.
I dunno. I find it sweet, even romantic, that two people would want to commit to each other for the rest of their lives, and be willing to tough it out together. 9 out of 10 couples treat money as a must-have insurance to ensure their marriage is stable… then claim its not about money but abt love. Then they wonder why the marriage falls apart when the money runs dry.
Grins.
That aside, I think I’ve really had a pretty good week. Been feeling lighter. I’ve learnt that if you want to cry and not let anyone in the house know it, showering is the perfect place to do so.
And no, its not been a week of sobbing, or emotional despair. But just a week where I’ve been more able to let go and not control myself so much. So be it when I’m praying, when I’m reading a book and something moved me, watching a show and something struck me, or else just my usual despairing self at all other times, I’ve been able to let go and not hold back.
I remember saying to someone just within a couple of months ago, that I can’t remember the last time I let myself go, and cry when I want to. Just as the natural instinct is to flinch away from a hot flame when coming into contact with it, so it seems that emotionally I’ve conditioned myself to flinch away from any instance when I think I’m going to break down. I seem to react before I even realize I’m doing it, just hardening myself before I start to cry, my brain turns away from the theme and think of something more passive and neutral, and I only return to it after I’ve gotten a firmer grip on my emotions.
I don’t know what made me turn into that. What made me so afraid to feel, what made me so afraid to let go and be myself, what made me repress myself, and suppress my emotions so.
And that probably explains also why I always look so stiff on stage. People always complain that I murmur and talk too soft, and I always feel so uncomfortable up there. Mebbe I’m just trying too hard.
But of course, just when things seem to go well, Man Utd had to crash to a 3-1 defeat against Man City.
Dammit.
Well, now that the wedding is over, its time to really really settle down and do some serious studying already. I’ll be flying off this fri to Bangkok, back on Monday late afternoon. After which I’ll be rushing down to attend my night classes again.
I think on my tombstone, I’ll want to just have two words on if – “If only…”
Friday, January 13, 2006
Lost.
I was feeling a little down this evening. Mebbe too much stuff caught up with me, and the news that Lishan and Xianghui aren't doing well sorta inspired my vicarious instincts... I dunno.
And its a rotten mood to be in when you're struggling to put together a wedding video.
I started at midnight, and have now watched 2 romantic movies already, struggling to find the inspiration to put together something sweet... but just can't find it in me.
This sucks.
I sat down and decided to blog. And I guess a lotta thoughts started to sweep past me as I wondered what else to commit to the records of my sad state of existence, and all of a sudden my mind goes blank.
Just the one question that keeps coming back to me when I try to sleep -
"When you find something so beautiful that isn't meant to be yours, how do you ever let it go?"
I'm so glad after talking to Pam a couple of times this week, that Xianghui and Lishan found each other, because they're one of the few couples I have no doubts at all about, but over the course of 7 years is absolutely convinced that they're a rare couple who were lucky enough to have found someone beautiful in each others' eyes, and was theirs to keep.
Congrats, you guys.
I really hope I don't mess up your wedding.
And its a rotten mood to be in when you're struggling to put together a wedding video.
I started at midnight, and have now watched 2 romantic movies already, struggling to find the inspiration to put together something sweet... but just can't find it in me.
This sucks.
I sat down and decided to blog. And I guess a lotta thoughts started to sweep past me as I wondered what else to commit to the records of my sad state of existence, and all of a sudden my mind goes blank.
Just the one question that keeps coming back to me when I try to sleep -
"When you find something so beautiful that isn't meant to be yours, how do you ever let it go?"
I'm so glad after talking to Pam a couple of times this week, that Xianghui and Lishan found each other, because they're one of the few couples I have no doubts at all about, but over the course of 7 years is absolutely convinced that they're a rare couple who were lucky enough to have found someone beautiful in each others' eyes, and was theirs to keep.
Congrats, you guys.
I really hope I don't mess up your wedding.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Happy Birthday, dear sister...
The Birthday Song
Don't worry about that extra line
That's creeping up upon your face
It's just a part of nature's way
To say you've grown a little more
Trees have rings and thicker branches
Kids shoes get a little tighter
Every year we're getting closer
To who we're gonna be
It's time to celebrate the story
Of how you've come to be
Happy Birthday, my friend
Here's to all the years
We've shared together
All the fun we've had
You're such a blessing
Such a joy in my life
May the good Lord bless you
And may all your dreams come true
So light a candle on your cake
For every smile you've helped create
For every heart and every soul
You've helped to grow a little more
A few more pounds
A little more grey
Dont count the years
Just count the way
It takes a little time to go
From water into wine
Don’t ever lose the wonder
Of that child within your eyes
- Corrine May
Don't worry about that extra line
That's creeping up upon your face
It's just a part of nature's way
To say you've grown a little more
Trees have rings and thicker branches
Kids shoes get a little tighter
Every year we're getting closer
To who we're gonna be
It's time to celebrate the story
Of how you've come to be
Happy Birthday, my friend
Here's to all the years
We've shared together
All the fun we've had
You're such a blessing
Such a joy in my life
May the good Lord bless you
And may all your dreams come true
So light a candle on your cake
For every smile you've helped create
For every heart and every soul
You've helped to grow a little more
A few more pounds
A little more grey
Dont count the years
Just count the way
It takes a little time to go
From water into wine
Don’t ever lose the wonder
Of that child within your eyes
- Corrine May
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Awake... Once Again
Haven’t been able to sleep for a couple of weeks now. Tonight I decided to take a walk around my neighbourhood, and just get out of the house.
I think I’ve never taken the time to appreciate my neighbourhood. Aside from the dogs that bark (not many are awake at 2:30am, but some are pretty sharp still…), it’s a really good night for a night stroll, and just think to myself about things people have been saying to me of late, and to basically just indulge in the thoughts that just never seem to go away anyway.
I once heard it said that “Sometimes if all you have is old words, all you can do is put them together and hope they say something new.” And I think that very much sums up the essence of my thoughts everytime I take time out to reflect.
Simon told me that after 12 yrs, he figured out just how much I’m a guy who likes to live in the past. And I guess that’s true.
But part of me feels that I’m not just living in the past. Its just that the past is where I like to re-visit, cos back then I had a bright future, I had someone who loved me, I had big dreams. The things that I thought was good, and that should have therefore lasted forever. Growing up has this nasty habit of slowly taking these things away one by one, leaving me with the feeling that I am just a hollow shell now, once filled with something that mattered. Going back to the past is not borne out of the desire to recover the way things were, but because those times embodied something greater that I am searching for.
We celebrated Xianghui’s bachelor’s party last night, and tonight we celebrated Serene’s birthday. Two people in my life whom I do not tell them enough how much they mean to me. The news that Xianghui is going away again perhaps hit me harder than I realized. But chatting with Pamela this afternoon, and talking abt Xianghui made me realize that friends like him are really so hard to come by now, and are like treasures you need to always preserve.
Ironic that the same lesson shd have been said out loud by Serene’s mom when she told the whole group of us that we shd learn to cherish one another, cos so many of us are growing up so fast and moving on.
Weixiu gave me a diary this X’mas, and I guess it was a really good idea in the sense that with this pretty much becoming a public blog, my need to still vent some of my most private thoughts and obsessions can now be met. But with my room still in the process of a cleanup, I’m actually pretty paranoid now abt misplacing it, given the nature of its contents. I guess I’m really not used to a diary after all these years without one.
I need to sleep. But with all the nightmares that keep coming everytime I fall asleep, I have my moments of irrationality where I just don’t want to, and don’t dare to.
I think I’ve never taken the time to appreciate my neighbourhood. Aside from the dogs that bark (not many are awake at 2:30am, but some are pretty sharp still…), it’s a really good night for a night stroll, and just think to myself about things people have been saying to me of late, and to basically just indulge in the thoughts that just never seem to go away anyway.
I once heard it said that “Sometimes if all you have is old words, all you can do is put them together and hope they say something new.” And I think that very much sums up the essence of my thoughts everytime I take time out to reflect.
Simon told me that after 12 yrs, he figured out just how much I’m a guy who likes to live in the past. And I guess that’s true.
But part of me feels that I’m not just living in the past. Its just that the past is where I like to re-visit, cos back then I had a bright future, I had someone who loved me, I had big dreams. The things that I thought was good, and that should have therefore lasted forever. Growing up has this nasty habit of slowly taking these things away one by one, leaving me with the feeling that I am just a hollow shell now, once filled with something that mattered. Going back to the past is not borne out of the desire to recover the way things were, but because those times embodied something greater that I am searching for.
We celebrated Xianghui’s bachelor’s party last night, and tonight we celebrated Serene’s birthday. Two people in my life whom I do not tell them enough how much they mean to me. The news that Xianghui is going away again perhaps hit me harder than I realized. But chatting with Pamela this afternoon, and talking abt Xianghui made me realize that friends like him are really so hard to come by now, and are like treasures you need to always preserve.
Ironic that the same lesson shd have been said out loud by Serene’s mom when she told the whole group of us that we shd learn to cherish one another, cos so many of us are growing up so fast and moving on.
Weixiu gave me a diary this X’mas, and I guess it was a really good idea in the sense that with this pretty much becoming a public blog, my need to still vent some of my most private thoughts and obsessions can now be met. But with my room still in the process of a cleanup, I’m actually pretty paranoid now abt misplacing it, given the nature of its contents. I guess I’m really not used to a diary after all these years without one.
I need to sleep. But with all the nightmares that keep coming everytime I fall asleep, I have my moments of irrationality where I just don’t want to, and don’t dare to.
Sunday, January 08, 2006
My Vicarious Existence
I think its been a good week for me in many ways.
I think its not been a happy happy week, but its been a peaceful and relatively calm week. And I guess I've learnt to give thanks for that.
It seems the older you get, the more you start realising just how many more faults you've always had, which your friends who love you have all patiently been overlooking all these years. And it always leaves you sheepish and amazed. Sheepish at the realization of how you've never realized just how terrible you have been even as you proudly proclaimed how offensive others have been. Amazed at the level of tolerance that has been granted you by so many, without so much as a snide remark.
So much for "I know better"...
Hehz...
I've had pockets of space this week to do some reflections on my life this week, and I guess it threw out some of the same old stuff that just reminds me of my previous post. How perhaps I need to take care of these things first, before I can hear God speaking to me abt other things in my life, before He'll allow me to move on in my life.
I need to stop living my life vicariously. I guess part of my lack of ambition has always been my habit of just indulging in the life of others, and somehow being able to treat their experience as mine. In church, I'm content to always just sit back and direct from the back, giving feedback to the leaders and my own two cents'. I'm happy to do the lesser and more "meaningless" stuff, leaving the "big jobs" to others. I don't think I'm being lazy since I always end up taking a lot of things up, but I'd much rather be a leader in a different sense of the obvious one. My greatest "ambition" in life remains being a house-husband, my friends will be stupefied to learn. Yes, I'm the one who would be glad to stay home, do the house and look after the kids. I'd be glad to see my wife up the corporate ladder, and help her with her work... as long as it means I get to be the supporting role, instead of the lead. And on the topic of a wife, that probably remains hypothetical since I remain the person who probably won't really act on my emotions unless very very firmly prodded. I’d tell myself that since my affections are one-sided, I'd much rather just settle for seeing her happy with the person she finds, and be glad for her.
Shit man.
I’m spending way too much time with Paul.
Worse is how I’m picking up all his bad traits, and only picking up his bad traits.
I’m becoming the ultimate wuss, and I have even less ambition than him!!!
Ok, so mebbe it really ain’t abt me living vicariously. Its abt me being lazy and a wuss.
I’ve had a lot of pple come up to tell me how much they liked the song I posted up a while ago, 痴心绝对, and yes, thank you for the feedback. Its my fav song too. Am thinking of putting it down as my new ringtone, except that I no longer have the software to cut out the chorus and use it.
Grins.
Its kind of like my theme song right now…
Man Utd just signed two defenders, the first signings I’ve really approved of since Rooney. I’ve been harping on their need for defenders for just about the longest time already. Silvestre and Ferdinand together in the middle is like putting me and Paul in Manhunt 2006. Absolute disaster.
Xianghui’s wedding is next weekend. With the terrorist threat exercise likely to coming up over that weekend, its yet one more worry to pile on him. On my part I’m so swamped with the need to do the bachelor’s party, rehearse for the wedding rehearsal where I’m leading worship, think abt what to put into the video I need to film and put together, and work on the script with Pamela where we’re co-emceeing the dinner, I think I need to rest more when I can. This upcoming week is gonna be crazy.
Which, in a way is good.
I need to get my mind off myself. That way I stop moping and feeling sorry for myself, something I’m doing too much of.
Oh yes. One last thing. By virtue of her emotional blackmail, (hehz…) I hereby wonder how Diana is doing back in Australia. Or is it the States?
Ah well.
Bwahahahahahaha….
(Hey, I read your blog, and in response I’m at least sounding chirpier already. Grins.)
I think its not been a happy happy week, but its been a peaceful and relatively calm week. And I guess I've learnt to give thanks for that.
It seems the older you get, the more you start realising just how many more faults you've always had, which your friends who love you have all patiently been overlooking all these years. And it always leaves you sheepish and amazed. Sheepish at the realization of how you've never realized just how terrible you have been even as you proudly proclaimed how offensive others have been. Amazed at the level of tolerance that has been granted you by so many, without so much as a snide remark.
So much for "I know better"...
Hehz...
I've had pockets of space this week to do some reflections on my life this week, and I guess it threw out some of the same old stuff that just reminds me of my previous post. How perhaps I need to take care of these things first, before I can hear God speaking to me abt other things in my life, before He'll allow me to move on in my life.
I need to stop living my life vicariously. I guess part of my lack of ambition has always been my habit of just indulging in the life of others, and somehow being able to treat their experience as mine. In church, I'm content to always just sit back and direct from the back, giving feedback to the leaders and my own two cents'. I'm happy to do the lesser and more "meaningless" stuff, leaving the "big jobs" to others. I don't think I'm being lazy since I always end up taking a lot of things up, but I'd much rather be a leader in a different sense of the obvious one. My greatest "ambition" in life remains being a house-husband, my friends will be stupefied to learn. Yes, I'm the one who would be glad to stay home, do the house and look after the kids. I'd be glad to see my wife up the corporate ladder, and help her with her work... as long as it means I get to be the supporting role, instead of the lead. And on the topic of a wife, that probably remains hypothetical since I remain the person who probably won't really act on my emotions unless very very firmly prodded. I’d tell myself that since my affections are one-sided, I'd much rather just settle for seeing her happy with the person she finds, and be glad for her.
Shit man.
I’m spending way too much time with Paul.
Worse is how I’m picking up all his bad traits, and only picking up his bad traits.
I’m becoming the ultimate wuss, and I have even less ambition than him!!!
Ok, so mebbe it really ain’t abt me living vicariously. Its abt me being lazy and a wuss.
I’ve had a lot of pple come up to tell me how much they liked the song I posted up a while ago, 痴心绝对, and yes, thank you for the feedback. Its my fav song too. Am thinking of putting it down as my new ringtone, except that I no longer have the software to cut out the chorus and use it.
Grins.
Its kind of like my theme song right now…
Man Utd just signed two defenders, the first signings I’ve really approved of since Rooney. I’ve been harping on their need for defenders for just about the longest time already. Silvestre and Ferdinand together in the middle is like putting me and Paul in Manhunt 2006. Absolute disaster.
Xianghui’s wedding is next weekend. With the terrorist threat exercise likely to coming up over that weekend, its yet one more worry to pile on him. On my part I’m so swamped with the need to do the bachelor’s party, rehearse for the wedding rehearsal where I’m leading worship, think abt what to put into the video I need to film and put together, and work on the script with Pamela where we’re co-emceeing the dinner, I think I need to rest more when I can. This upcoming week is gonna be crazy.
Which, in a way is good.
I need to get my mind off myself. That way I stop moping and feeling sorry for myself, something I’m doing too much of.
Oh yes. One last thing. By virtue of her emotional blackmail, (hehz…) I hereby wonder how Diana is doing back in Australia. Or is it the States?
Ah well.
Bwahahahahahaha….
(Hey, I read your blog, and in response I’m at least sounding chirpier already. Grins.)
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Love, And 2006
I finally caught "A Lot Like love". A show that I always wanted to see when I first saw the trailers showing it in the cinemas. A show that I ended up missing through sheer procrastination. A show that I caught only half a year later at Weixiu’s house, a show that I completed in my own house, a day after.
It’s a very Serendipity-esque kind of show, catered to a hopeless romantic like me. The storyline is of two people, meant for each other, who keeps missing out on the opportunity to end up together. Either they’ve rushed into a commitment with someone else, or the timing just made getting together impossible… even the part where they started out without realizing how much they’re made for each other…
Point is, they never seem to be able to find each other, and get together.
I guess shows like this gives me hope. Hope that its just a matter of time before the one for me finds me, and I find her. Hope that its just a matter of time before she comes to realize I can be the one for her. Hope that one day this sad, sad act of mine can finally come to an end. Hope that my waiting will ultimately bear fruit, instead of dying with the knowledge that my romantic ideals ended in utter and abject failure and disappointment.
I liked it, actually. The show. It was a silly show, all in all… almost an indie flick in some ways… but I guess it was sweet… and like I said… I always had good vibes abt shows like this. I guess I’m never the sort to go for a straightforward romance. I believe that something worthwhile cannot possibly come by so easily. So unless it has come through fire and brimstone, through death and hell, I can’t possibly have found a romance that is worth dying for. And so I keep waiting for my dramatic turn of events that is ultimately supposed to culminate in my saying “I do”.
That aside, the new year has been a pretty quiet one. With still some things that I have yet to take care of, I started the year as I always do – in deficit. I’m still taking care of things I shd have settled last year, like cleaning my room, like finish reading all three books that I started yet never seemed likely to complete, like writing my New Year cards to people I was supposed to write Christmas cards for, like sorting out some things for the Levite Ministry…
The list goes on.
Just on Sunday, I was thinking to myself why does every year feel like the last one, and the one before? Why do I never seem to be moving on? Why does God seem to continually remain silent, when I’m crying out to Him again and again over a few things in my life? Why does He never seem to speak, or intervene? I spent the last week before the new year pretty much holing myself in, to take out for myself to think abt things, and sort my mind out… and on Sunday a thought suddenly struck me, totally out of the blue. I dare not say it was God who finally spoke to me, but at least its something to ponder over…
Perhaps its not that God isn’t speaking to me. All too often, what God seem to have to say to me is pretty straightforward. From renouncing some of my sinful habits, to finally taking some steps to change my bad habits in life, it’s the very simple things in my life that I’m aware I shd be doing. The things that always surfaces to my mind when I’m called to repent. The very things also, that I seem to have almost come to instinctively repress and overlook. Instead, I’m too eager to look for other things to repent from… telling myself that the old ones are things I know I have to take care of, so I shd look for the new and undiscovered ones. In the process of overlooking it, I always end up ignoring the very things that God seems to require of me.
In other words, its not that He isn’t speaking. Its just that I’ve learnt to filter out what He’s saying, but am only waiting for Him to say what I’m expecting to hear. Mebbe that’s why He seems to me, to be silent. And by that same token, its probably the reason why I never seem to think I’m moving on. With the same issues in my life that I’m refusing to let go of, and the same things that God is still patiently waiting for me to finally address, its no wonder that I feel like I’m back where I began.
I guess it’s a bit like cleaning my room… Its time to stop brushing things under the carpet, and hope it goes away. Its time to finally dig everything out, so that my room can finally clear out space for new things to go in, instead of always keeping the same clutter further buried inside my cupboard.
Here’s to 2006, and a year where I make space for God to finally do something new in my life… after I’ve taken care of business with the old.
It’s a very Serendipity-esque kind of show, catered to a hopeless romantic like me. The storyline is of two people, meant for each other, who keeps missing out on the opportunity to end up together. Either they’ve rushed into a commitment with someone else, or the timing just made getting together impossible… even the part where they started out without realizing how much they’re made for each other…
Point is, they never seem to be able to find each other, and get together.
I guess shows like this gives me hope. Hope that its just a matter of time before the one for me finds me, and I find her. Hope that its just a matter of time before she comes to realize I can be the one for her. Hope that one day this sad, sad act of mine can finally come to an end. Hope that my waiting will ultimately bear fruit, instead of dying with the knowledge that my romantic ideals ended in utter and abject failure and disappointment.
I liked it, actually. The show. It was a silly show, all in all… almost an indie flick in some ways… but I guess it was sweet… and like I said… I always had good vibes abt shows like this. I guess I’m never the sort to go for a straightforward romance. I believe that something worthwhile cannot possibly come by so easily. So unless it has come through fire and brimstone, through death and hell, I can’t possibly have found a romance that is worth dying for. And so I keep waiting for my dramatic turn of events that is ultimately supposed to culminate in my saying “I do”.
That aside, the new year has been a pretty quiet one. With still some things that I have yet to take care of, I started the year as I always do – in deficit. I’m still taking care of things I shd have settled last year, like cleaning my room, like finish reading all three books that I started yet never seemed likely to complete, like writing my New Year cards to people I was supposed to write Christmas cards for, like sorting out some things for the Levite Ministry…
The list goes on.
Just on Sunday, I was thinking to myself why does every year feel like the last one, and the one before? Why do I never seem to be moving on? Why does God seem to continually remain silent, when I’m crying out to Him again and again over a few things in my life? Why does He never seem to speak, or intervene? I spent the last week before the new year pretty much holing myself in, to take out for myself to think abt things, and sort my mind out… and on Sunday a thought suddenly struck me, totally out of the blue. I dare not say it was God who finally spoke to me, but at least its something to ponder over…
Perhaps its not that God isn’t speaking to me. All too often, what God seem to have to say to me is pretty straightforward. From renouncing some of my sinful habits, to finally taking some steps to change my bad habits in life, it’s the very simple things in my life that I’m aware I shd be doing. The things that always surfaces to my mind when I’m called to repent. The very things also, that I seem to have almost come to instinctively repress and overlook. Instead, I’m too eager to look for other things to repent from… telling myself that the old ones are things I know I have to take care of, so I shd look for the new and undiscovered ones. In the process of overlooking it, I always end up ignoring the very things that God seems to require of me.
In other words, its not that He isn’t speaking. Its just that I’ve learnt to filter out what He’s saying, but am only waiting for Him to say what I’m expecting to hear. Mebbe that’s why He seems to me, to be silent. And by that same token, its probably the reason why I never seem to think I’m moving on. With the same issues in my life that I’m refusing to let go of, and the same things that God is still patiently waiting for me to finally address, its no wonder that I feel like I’m back where I began.
I guess it’s a bit like cleaning my room… Its time to stop brushing things under the carpet, and hope it goes away. Its time to finally dig everything out, so that my room can finally clear out space for new things to go in, instead of always keeping the same clutter further buried inside my cupboard.
Here’s to 2006, and a year where I make space for God to finally do something new in my life… after I’ve taken care of business with the old.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
2006 Comes With A Whimper...
So here comes 2006, marking the end of a year where so much as happened.
As the clock struck 12 tonight, I was standing alone outside a bar full of strangers, watching everyone countdown to the New Year, exchanging well wishes and hugs. And it struck me that my anonymity of the moment pretty much summed up my year of 2005, where so much has happened, and for once I did not take center stage.
Probably the most earth-shattering event in my life this year would have been my withdrawal from NUS. Otherwise, its been a year of so much upheaval in the lives of all around me. For once, my world is turned upside-down not because of what happened to me, but more or less because of those in my circle, those that I care for.
So what sort of year has it been?
In church, we celebrated the start of Providence Presbyterian Church. Incidentally, this day is actually PPC’s first birthday. We also saw our youth service “upgraded” into the church’s official Second Service. Our Levite Ministry has seen the recruitment of a few new members, as well as the departure of others. But the core of the ministry seems to have grown stronger and closer, as has the whole second service’s core team members. Its been a year to give thanks, in the ministry.
In the family, my sister finally got married to the man she dated for 13 yrs. We also bought a condo, which they have now moved into. My mom also retired from teaching, after being in it for more than 30 years. She’s now in the midst of planning to set up her own café. Mm… lots to pray for… Hehz…
Globally, its been a year of natural disasters, bird flu, terrorism and elections. All bad news, I guess. No surprise that every church’s favorite sermon topic at the end of the year was on how “The End Is Near”.
In my own life, I finally quit school, enrolled in a new one, started to get a taste of working life, managed to avoid falling back into the crisis mode that pretty much marked my last 2 years. I also passed my driving, and by the end of the year started to be on talking terms with Grace again. Its been a year that has tested me in many areas of my life that had so far been left untouched. I feel that I have grown. I Really do. Of course, ironically, this has been the first year in a long long time that has seen me lose a remarkable amount of weight. Here’s keeping my fingers crossed that my blog entry dated 1st Jan 2007 will not speak of my marked gain in weight.
Sadly, my report card still reads the same failure in my search for a soulmate. In the last 2 weeks, I’ve been telling God I want to finally start letting go of my longing, and surrender my dreams to Him. Its tiring to keep wanting what is not yours to have, and the longer you hold on to such dreams, the more painful it gets when it finally get shattered. I guess as much as I’m a dreamer and an idealist, mebbe I’m also a coward.
Interestingly enough, as soon as I’ve started telling God this, from 3 different sources have come the same question to me… have I ever met my soulmate in my life?
As I reflected on the question, I realized that many times I don’t seem to have a good grasp of my definition for a soulmate. It goes beyond merely someone who has similar taste/interests/opinions/mentality. Its about being able to connect at a deeper level than that… a level that says even if we were to have nothing in common in so many areas of our lives, there is an understanding between us that is able to dwarf those external differences, a soulish connection where we still ‘get each other’. But beyond that, she must also be someone who is able to captivate me. She doesn’t have to be a looker. But there must be something abt her, that leaves me breathless everytime I catch a glimpse of her, that keeps me always longing to be able to take one more look at her.
Is that asking a bit much?
Because I think in all my friendships down the years with different girls, some still close but some who have all but disappeared from my life, I’ve found a little bit in each one of them. In some I’ve found the security to open up about some of my darkest secrets, always safe in the trust of their unconditional acceptance of me. In others I’ve found that instinctive understanding that I always hoped I’d develop with Grace, but which ultimately proved elusive. In yet another I’ve always found myself very strangely captivated by her presence everytime she’s around, a sense of comfortableness that can’t really be explained.
And I guess until I find a girl that does not leave me comparing her with the others around me, but is someone whom I know for sure is the one I’ll want to spend the rest of my life with, I’d always be afraid I’m just compromising out of sheer loneliness. And ‘compromise’ would be just about the ugliest that can show up beside the word ‘Love’.
So am I in trouble? Mebbe. Looks like I’m destined to be alone. Its been a bad year in love and life for me and Paul. Heck, in so many around me, to be honest. We’ve both lost some steam from our early-days enthusiasm to do well in Stansfield. We both ended the year in anonymity – single, and perhaps in a strangely paradoxical sense not alone yet still lonely.
Don’t ask me why I’m so hung up on getting attached. Cos perhaps that’s not my main emphasis. Getting attached seems to me more a solution rather than my real problem. I guess I’m just so tired of being lonely. Not physically, but more… erm… soulishly. I keep asking God… apart from You, where is that Eve you have in store for me, to help me with the burdens I bear inside of me? The one who would stand by me when everyone else stops believing in me, the one who still remembers me when the world has forgotten me, the one who still cherishes me even after I myself think I’m worthless?
And perhaps that’s why my lesson in 2005 seemed to have been 2 very simple ones. The first one is that God really loves people. He really really does. He wasn’t kidding when He said that to love the least of them is to love Him. He wasn’t meaning it in a hypothetical manner. And so everything in ministry is about people. Gone were the days of the supposed ‘big picture’, where we consider what’s good for the ‘system’ or ‘program’, which was in turn supposed to serve the people. The minute the system causes someone to stumble, or causes us to neglect and forget some, it isn’t worthy of merit before God, no matter how much good it has otherwise done.
The second lesson is that I need to give thanks. In the face of so much that is going round in the lives of those around me, I realize how much I’ve been living blindly in the grace of God. My loneliness is real and tangible. It was never a contest of “who has the bigger problem”, but many times if I were to take my eye of myself, I’d see how God intended us to serve one another in order to take away loneliness in the world. When we make someone else feel remembered, valued, cherished or forgiven, we bring a little more of God’s unconditional love into the lives around us. And the only way to draw the strength to always be ready to help others, is from a posture of thanksgiving.
So I step into 2006 with the sober realization that I have 2 lessons to carry over from the last year. And it seems that God has deemed these 2 lesson to be sufficient enough to help me get through 2006, if I but obey. I also realize I’m carrying over into 2006 the scars I’ve accumulated over 26 years, and that some of them will continue to hurt for a long time to come. But I guess the pain is what keeps me alive, and keeps me growing.
My 2006 wish-list would contain just one item – Courage. To face up to the fact that I’m 27, and I’ll need to act like one, and finally learn from some really hard lessons in 2005. Courage also to hang on to my beliefs, as my faith increasingly wears thinner in the face of heavier and larger burdens that is building up in my life and in my heart.
*Gulp*
As the clock struck 12 tonight, I was standing alone outside a bar full of strangers, watching everyone countdown to the New Year, exchanging well wishes and hugs. And it struck me that my anonymity of the moment pretty much summed up my year of 2005, where so much has happened, and for once I did not take center stage.
Probably the most earth-shattering event in my life this year would have been my withdrawal from NUS. Otherwise, its been a year of so much upheaval in the lives of all around me. For once, my world is turned upside-down not because of what happened to me, but more or less because of those in my circle, those that I care for.
So what sort of year has it been?
In church, we celebrated the start of Providence Presbyterian Church. Incidentally, this day is actually PPC’s first birthday. We also saw our youth service “upgraded” into the church’s official Second Service. Our Levite Ministry has seen the recruitment of a few new members, as well as the departure of others. But the core of the ministry seems to have grown stronger and closer, as has the whole second service’s core team members. Its been a year to give thanks, in the ministry.
In the family, my sister finally got married to the man she dated for 13 yrs. We also bought a condo, which they have now moved into. My mom also retired from teaching, after being in it for more than 30 years. She’s now in the midst of planning to set up her own café. Mm… lots to pray for… Hehz…
Globally, its been a year of natural disasters, bird flu, terrorism and elections. All bad news, I guess. No surprise that every church’s favorite sermon topic at the end of the year was on how “The End Is Near”.
In my own life, I finally quit school, enrolled in a new one, started to get a taste of working life, managed to avoid falling back into the crisis mode that pretty much marked my last 2 years. I also passed my driving, and by the end of the year started to be on talking terms with Grace again. Its been a year that has tested me in many areas of my life that had so far been left untouched. I feel that I have grown. I Really do. Of course, ironically, this has been the first year in a long long time that has seen me lose a remarkable amount of weight. Here’s keeping my fingers crossed that my blog entry dated 1st Jan 2007 will not speak of my marked gain in weight.
Sadly, my report card still reads the same failure in my search for a soulmate. In the last 2 weeks, I’ve been telling God I want to finally start letting go of my longing, and surrender my dreams to Him. Its tiring to keep wanting what is not yours to have, and the longer you hold on to such dreams, the more painful it gets when it finally get shattered. I guess as much as I’m a dreamer and an idealist, mebbe I’m also a coward.
Interestingly enough, as soon as I’ve started telling God this, from 3 different sources have come the same question to me… have I ever met my soulmate in my life?
As I reflected on the question, I realized that many times I don’t seem to have a good grasp of my definition for a soulmate. It goes beyond merely someone who has similar taste/interests/opinions/mentality. Its about being able to connect at a deeper level than that… a level that says even if we were to have nothing in common in so many areas of our lives, there is an understanding between us that is able to dwarf those external differences, a soulish connection where we still ‘get each other’. But beyond that, she must also be someone who is able to captivate me. She doesn’t have to be a looker. But there must be something abt her, that leaves me breathless everytime I catch a glimpse of her, that keeps me always longing to be able to take one more look at her.
Is that asking a bit much?
Because I think in all my friendships down the years with different girls, some still close but some who have all but disappeared from my life, I’ve found a little bit in each one of them. In some I’ve found the security to open up about some of my darkest secrets, always safe in the trust of their unconditional acceptance of me. In others I’ve found that instinctive understanding that I always hoped I’d develop with Grace, but which ultimately proved elusive. In yet another I’ve always found myself very strangely captivated by her presence everytime she’s around, a sense of comfortableness that can’t really be explained.
And I guess until I find a girl that does not leave me comparing her with the others around me, but is someone whom I know for sure is the one I’ll want to spend the rest of my life with, I’d always be afraid I’m just compromising out of sheer loneliness. And ‘compromise’ would be just about the ugliest that can show up beside the word ‘Love’.
So am I in trouble? Mebbe. Looks like I’m destined to be alone. Its been a bad year in love and life for me and Paul. Heck, in so many around me, to be honest. We’ve both lost some steam from our early-days enthusiasm to do well in Stansfield. We both ended the year in anonymity – single, and perhaps in a strangely paradoxical sense not alone yet still lonely.
Don’t ask me why I’m so hung up on getting attached. Cos perhaps that’s not my main emphasis. Getting attached seems to me more a solution rather than my real problem. I guess I’m just so tired of being lonely. Not physically, but more… erm… soulishly. I keep asking God… apart from You, where is that Eve you have in store for me, to help me with the burdens I bear inside of me? The one who would stand by me when everyone else stops believing in me, the one who still remembers me when the world has forgotten me, the one who still cherishes me even after I myself think I’m worthless?
And perhaps that’s why my lesson in 2005 seemed to have been 2 very simple ones. The first one is that God really loves people. He really really does. He wasn’t kidding when He said that to love the least of them is to love Him. He wasn’t meaning it in a hypothetical manner. And so everything in ministry is about people. Gone were the days of the supposed ‘big picture’, where we consider what’s good for the ‘system’ or ‘program’, which was in turn supposed to serve the people. The minute the system causes someone to stumble, or causes us to neglect and forget some, it isn’t worthy of merit before God, no matter how much good it has otherwise done.
The second lesson is that I need to give thanks. In the face of so much that is going round in the lives of those around me, I realize how much I’ve been living blindly in the grace of God. My loneliness is real and tangible. It was never a contest of “who has the bigger problem”, but many times if I were to take my eye of myself, I’d see how God intended us to serve one another in order to take away loneliness in the world. When we make someone else feel remembered, valued, cherished or forgiven, we bring a little more of God’s unconditional love into the lives around us. And the only way to draw the strength to always be ready to help others, is from a posture of thanksgiving.
So I step into 2006 with the sober realization that I have 2 lessons to carry over from the last year. And it seems that God has deemed these 2 lesson to be sufficient enough to help me get through 2006, if I but obey. I also realize I’m carrying over into 2006 the scars I’ve accumulated over 26 years, and that some of them will continue to hurt for a long time to come. But I guess the pain is what keeps me alive, and keeps me growing.
My 2006 wish-list would contain just one item – Courage. To face up to the fact that I’m 27, and I’ll need to act like one, and finally learn from some really hard lessons in 2005. Courage also to hang on to my beliefs, as my faith increasingly wears thinner in the face of heavier and larger burdens that is building up in my life and in my heart.
*Gulp*
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
一年到头
在“如果，爱”这部戏里面，有一首歌重复了四句话，说：“爱 – 没有。 恨 – 不来。抓 – 不住。摔 – 不掉。”
我想这就是无奈吧。一年到头，当我回顾我这一年所走过的路时，我想我会用“无奈”这两个字，来形容我的心情。
还记得今年我就差点去了澳洲读书。不过到最后，上帝还是有了他自己的安排，好叫我留在新加坡。经历了许多精彩难忘的时光，例如我姐姐的婚礼、一起跑了五个月的‘跑步小组’、在Reuters工作的经验、看见维秀终于交了个男朋友、去了Tanjong Puteri的第二堂崇拜退休会、去了Eagles Conference、看见Hurricane Katrina造成的损坏、以及世界上那么多的动荡。
周迅在戏中也唱了一首歌，第一句说“外面的世界很精彩”，而最后一句说“我离开，永远都不再回来”。我想，当我生命开始觉得很无奈时，心情也会就像歌里所表达的情绪一样。我想逃开，跑到另一个世界去。我告诉我自己外面的那个世界比较精彩，而我若离去了，就再也不要回来了。今年就差点去了澳洲，想逃避我心中一切的烦躁。不管是感情上、学业上、家庭里、朋友之间、或自己私下的烦恼，我都是多么渴望能够逃到国外去，给我自己一个新的开始。现在回头一望 – 觉得在某些事情上，去了国外或许会好过一点、好受一点。但是勇敢地去面对自己的烦恼，自己找出勇气去克服所该处理的事 – 那还是最好的解决方法。在今年的下半年里面，所发生过的一切好事，如果我的确逃到国外去，我想我就真的是错过了，太可惜了。
我想我该学习感恩。成长的过程当中，难免会有伤害，会有痛。会有失望，会感到疲累。就如黄国伦所写的，“困难算什么，痛苦算什么？在他们的背后是你祝福的手。孤单算什么，羞辱算什么？你的爱是那么深，你的恩典够我用。”
当我回去看我在年头所记录的第一个blog entry 里，我写的是我要学习感恩。而这份功课我想我可能一辈子也学不完。当我把我的集中力放在自己的身上时，那我就是什么事情都觉得很不如心所愿。但当我能够以他人着想、用他人的眼光去了解事情时，我发觉我就真正能够心中有平安，心里能够感恩。
明年将会是一个相当挑战我自己的一年。希望我能够在成功当中学习到知足，在失败中学习到较拖。
我想这就是无奈吧。一年到头，当我回顾我这一年所走过的路时，我想我会用“无奈”这两个字，来形容我的心情。
还记得今年我就差点去了澳洲读书。不过到最后，上帝还是有了他自己的安排，好叫我留在新加坡。经历了许多精彩难忘的时光，例如我姐姐的婚礼、一起跑了五个月的‘跑步小组’、在Reuters工作的经验、看见维秀终于交了个男朋友、去了Tanjong Puteri的第二堂崇拜退休会、去了Eagles Conference、看见Hurricane Katrina造成的损坏、以及世界上那么多的动荡。
周迅在戏中也唱了一首歌，第一句说“外面的世界很精彩”，而最后一句说“我离开，永远都不再回来”。我想，当我生命开始觉得很无奈时，心情也会就像歌里所表达的情绪一样。我想逃开，跑到另一个世界去。我告诉我自己外面的那个世界比较精彩，而我若离去了，就再也不要回来了。今年就差点去了澳洲，想逃避我心中一切的烦躁。不管是感情上、学业上、家庭里、朋友之间、或自己私下的烦恼，我都是多么渴望能够逃到国外去，给我自己一个新的开始。现在回头一望 – 觉得在某些事情上，去了国外或许会好过一点、好受一点。但是勇敢地去面对自己的烦恼，自己找出勇气去克服所该处理的事 – 那还是最好的解决方法。在今年的下半年里面，所发生过的一切好事，如果我的确逃到国外去，我想我就真的是错过了，太可惜了。
我想我该学习感恩。成长的过程当中，难免会有伤害，会有痛。会有失望，会感到疲累。就如黄国伦所写的，“困难算什么，痛苦算什么？在他们的背后是你祝福的手。孤单算什么，羞辱算什么？你的爱是那么深，你的恩典够我用。”
当我回去看我在年头所记录的第一个blog entry 里，我写的是我要学习感恩。而这份功课我想我可能一辈子也学不完。当我把我的集中力放在自己的身上时，那我就是什么事情都觉得很不如心所愿。但当我能够以他人着想、用他人的眼光去了解事情时，我发觉我就真正能够心中有平安，心里能够感恩。
明年将会是一个相当挑战我自己的一年。希望我能够在成功当中学习到知足，在失败中学习到较拖。
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Looking For Eric
(The last time he actually contacted me was after the mere mention that I'm once again talking to Grace. Since then, I'm still unable to contact him about whether or not he's coming back for Christmas. So I'll have to resort to drastic measures.)
*Cough Cough*
Hmm... I'm thinking of getting back together with Grace. Its been so long now... I think this time round I can make it work out.
Grins.
*Cough Cough*
Hmm... I'm thinking of getting back together with Grace. Its been so long now... I think this time round I can make it work out.
Grins.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Celebrating X'mas
Haven’t really been sleeping at all for a week. There’s just been so much running through my mind that I find my sleep to be short, disturbed, and hardly restful. With the sleep deprivation comes the inability to think properly, nor the capacity to take on what has come my way. So with the exception of just an unfortunate few to whom I rant and vent, I’ve spent the rest of my time closing myself off from pple.
I went to Lanlab just now for a game with Paul. Its been so long since my last time there, I didn’t even know they changed the registering format. But I was desperate to do something mindless… something that will distract me from my thoughts, and take my mind off it for a while. And I guess it worked, for a while. Yet I walked away from the LAN shop tonight knowing that its probably one of the last times I step in there. It just doesn’t seem to adequate anymore. I seem to have totally lost the passion. Just feel pretty numb.
I find myself asking what seems to have gone wrong. Why is it that my blog posts are littered with accounts of ruined relationships, and of ties that have soured, sometimes irreparably? Is it me? Am I just always just so unfortunate to be in the thick of it? Am I the one causing it? Am I the one who is somehow a drama-mama, drawn to the tension and the intensity of emotions? Am I so obsessed with the dark side of things that I never notice the good, but make such a meal out of the bad?
Or is it just all of us? Have we all somehow forgotten how to deal with people? Have we all lost the inability to love those around us? Have we all started demanding too much, raising expectations of each other to levels that make us run away? Given how love always seems to run contrary to logic, have we all become so used to thinking through our relationships, and lost the inability to just “sense-ably” feel our way through the murky waters of right and wrong?
I don’t know. I guess it’s a little of just about everything, and then more. And I find myself more and more doubting myself, my character and my ability to do what’s right over the past few days.
Of things that I suspected, but decided it was easier to shrug off. Of the many ways I am responsible for the relationships that have gone wrong. Of the ways in which I have hurt those I care for without doing it knowingly – then stupidly and tactlessly doing it again. Of the ones around me that I have again taken for granted, indulging instead in my own preoccupations. Of the things I used to take pride in myself, such as my ability to perceive and adjudge people/circumstances, which have turned out to be my Achilles heel. Of how even as I sit down to post, there is a part of me that still dares to feel sorry for myself.
I guess for many of the things I’ve done, I can but bring it before God again… begging him to put together again what I have ruined. After all, who else can I turn to?
I try to smile my tears away
I try to keep my cool
Oh but one more door gets in my way
I feel like such a fool
Trampled and bitter
My heart just wants to bleed
And stop believing in me
It feels like nothing is for certain
And that nothing comes for free
When they're lowering the curtain to the
Theatre of my dreams
I stumble and I crumble
And I'm sinking to my knees
But You… You cradle me
One thing that I want to do this Christmas…I want to celebrate the friendships that have lasted down the years, through my ups and downs, twists and turns… of people who have stuck by me through all that have happened. People whom I have known for so long now, who have had the misfortune of seeing my immaturity, my insecurities, my screw-ups, my worst habits and my stubbornness towards changing them. The very people whom I never thank God enough for.
Paul – I guess the years have not been kind to you or me. Yet somehow we’ve managed to still keep up with each other’s steps in life, and we’ve somehow managed to still squeeze each other into our schedules. I’ve come to count on you for your candid take on my life and my foibles, something which you seem always so ready to throw in my face. Grins. Thanks for everything, buddy.
Weixiu – No surprise that your name shd be the next to appear. Seldom does something happen that your name doesn’t come to my mind, to tell you of or to point out to. You’re one of the most cherished and loved sisters in my life, one who has the uncanny ability to make me feel as though you can somehow see right through me. Thanks for always listening, and for allowing me to pretend that I still know better than you in just about everything.
Weimin – you’ve been a curious bundle of headache and joy, doled out in equal portions. Your broodiness and mood swings are two things I always identified with you the most. Yet behind that mask you wear is one of the most tender hearts I have encountered, one that makes me willing to pay almost any price to have you keep it just the way it is. Thanks for always being open with me abt so many things. Don’t worry about how we sometimes seem to drift apart. I’m not going to let that happen. Grins.
Serene – Surprising that it took us so long to talk. Your quiet and selfless giving have come to be two things that I admire the most about you. The past few years of serving and sharing with you have come to deepen that appreciation of the many qualities that have surfaced along the way, such as your capacity to love at any cost to yourself, and your courage to face up to difficult circumstances all your life. Your friendship has come to be a most cherished one, which makes the distance between us now more painful than you’d think. Nevertheless, thank you for all the things you’ve taught me about strength of character… for your honesty and openness towards me, and for the trust you gave me.
Syl – you were one of the first I turned to in the aftermath of my breakup. Always willing to bear with my nonsense, and always ready to see the best in me… Thanks for everything. There’s so much more ahead of you that I see Him leading you towards… it will require much courage and determination for you, to face up to the lessons He’s teaching you, and challenging you. I’ll always be here, be it to pray, to be of help, to give support, or simply just to be there for you.
Mei – surprised to get a mention? Hehz… thanks for always being the one to organize our monthly meet-ups. You’re really one of the very few from NUS that I still meet up with. I’ve always enjoyed the banter we share, and next to the other Baptist in my life, one of the few outside my church circle that I open myself up to. I know I’ve been a sucky fren a lot of times, but thanks for still sticking around…
To Henry and Bernice, who probably will never read it… they’ve been such pillars in my life, esp with regards to just about everything... from service, to my spiritual walk, to even my own life. Its been such a joy to have them walking beside me in my life, two people whom I have so much to learn from, about God-centredness and gentleness. I can’t imagine what it would be like to ever lose their fellowship.
I guess I shall stop here. With a little luck and a lot of hope, I need to catch some sleep before work. I’m praying that I won’t wake up and forget to celebrate X’mas this year… celebrating the incredible friendships in my life that God has always been blessing me with.
I went to Lanlab just now for a game with Paul. Its been so long since my last time there, I didn’t even know they changed the registering format. But I was desperate to do something mindless… something that will distract me from my thoughts, and take my mind off it for a while. And I guess it worked, for a while. Yet I walked away from the LAN shop tonight knowing that its probably one of the last times I step in there. It just doesn’t seem to adequate anymore. I seem to have totally lost the passion. Just feel pretty numb.
I find myself asking what seems to have gone wrong. Why is it that my blog posts are littered with accounts of ruined relationships, and of ties that have soured, sometimes irreparably? Is it me? Am I just always just so unfortunate to be in the thick of it? Am I the one causing it? Am I the one who is somehow a drama-mama, drawn to the tension and the intensity of emotions? Am I so obsessed with the dark side of things that I never notice the good, but make such a meal out of the bad?
Or is it just all of us? Have we all somehow forgotten how to deal with people? Have we all lost the inability to love those around us? Have we all started demanding too much, raising expectations of each other to levels that make us run away? Given how love always seems to run contrary to logic, have we all become so used to thinking through our relationships, and lost the inability to just “sense-ably” feel our way through the murky waters of right and wrong?
I don’t know. I guess it’s a little of just about everything, and then more. And I find myself more and more doubting myself, my character and my ability to do what’s right over the past few days.
Of things that I suspected, but decided it was easier to shrug off. Of the many ways I am responsible for the relationships that have gone wrong. Of the ways in which I have hurt those I care for without doing it knowingly – then stupidly and tactlessly doing it again. Of the ones around me that I have again taken for granted, indulging instead in my own preoccupations. Of the things I used to take pride in myself, such as my ability to perceive and adjudge people/circumstances, which have turned out to be my Achilles heel. Of how even as I sit down to post, there is a part of me that still dares to feel sorry for myself.
I guess for many of the things I’ve done, I can but bring it before God again… begging him to put together again what I have ruined. After all, who else can I turn to?
I try to smile my tears away
I try to keep my cool
Oh but one more door gets in my way
I feel like such a fool
Trampled and bitter
My heart just wants to bleed
And stop believing in me
It feels like nothing is for certain
And that nothing comes for free
When they're lowering the curtain to the
Theatre of my dreams
I stumble and I crumble
And I'm sinking to my knees
But You… You cradle me
One thing that I want to do this Christmas…I want to celebrate the friendships that have lasted down the years, through my ups and downs, twists and turns… of people who have stuck by me through all that have happened. People whom I have known for so long now, who have had the misfortune of seeing my immaturity, my insecurities, my screw-ups, my worst habits and my stubbornness towards changing them. The very people whom I never thank God enough for.
Paul – I guess the years have not been kind to you or me. Yet somehow we’ve managed to still keep up with each other’s steps in life, and we’ve somehow managed to still squeeze each other into our schedules. I’ve come to count on you for your candid take on my life and my foibles, something which you seem always so ready to throw in my face. Grins. Thanks for everything, buddy.
Weixiu – No surprise that your name shd be the next to appear. Seldom does something happen that your name doesn’t come to my mind, to tell you of or to point out to. You’re one of the most cherished and loved sisters in my life, one who has the uncanny ability to make me feel as though you can somehow see right through me. Thanks for always listening, and for allowing me to pretend that I still know better than you in just about everything.
Weimin – you’ve been a curious bundle of headache and joy, doled out in equal portions. Your broodiness and mood swings are two things I always identified with you the most. Yet behind that mask you wear is one of the most tender hearts I have encountered, one that makes me willing to pay almost any price to have you keep it just the way it is. Thanks for always being open with me abt so many things. Don’t worry about how we sometimes seem to drift apart. I’m not going to let that happen. Grins.
Serene – Surprising that it took us so long to talk. Your quiet and selfless giving have come to be two things that I admire the most about you. The past few years of serving and sharing with you have come to deepen that appreciation of the many qualities that have surfaced along the way, such as your capacity to love at any cost to yourself, and your courage to face up to difficult circumstances all your life. Your friendship has come to be a most cherished one, which makes the distance between us now more painful than you’d think. Nevertheless, thank you for all the things you’ve taught me about strength of character… for your honesty and openness towards me, and for the trust you gave me.
Syl – you were one of the first I turned to in the aftermath of my breakup. Always willing to bear with my nonsense, and always ready to see the best in me… Thanks for everything. There’s so much more ahead of you that I see Him leading you towards… it will require much courage and determination for you, to face up to the lessons He’s teaching you, and challenging you. I’ll always be here, be it to pray, to be of help, to give support, or simply just to be there for you.
Mei – surprised to get a mention? Hehz… thanks for always being the one to organize our monthly meet-ups. You’re really one of the very few from NUS that I still meet up with. I’ve always enjoyed the banter we share, and next to the other Baptist in my life, one of the few outside my church circle that I open myself up to. I know I’ve been a sucky fren a lot of times, but thanks for still sticking around…
To Henry and Bernice, who probably will never read it… they’ve been such pillars in my life, esp with regards to just about everything... from service, to my spiritual walk, to even my own life. Its been such a joy to have them walking beside me in my life, two people whom I have so much to learn from, about God-centredness and gentleness. I can’t imagine what it would be like to ever lose their fellowship.
I guess I shall stop here. With a little luck and a lot of hope, I need to catch some sleep before work. I’m praying that I won’t wake up and forget to celebrate X’mas this year… celebrating the incredible friendships in my life that God has always been blessing me with.
Monday, December 19, 2005
Intentions
They say that the best of intentions are usually the least of accomplishments. I guess there is quite some wisdom found in those words, no matter how you choose to read them. Whether its talking abt your thoughts getting lost in translation, your actions being misunderstood, or how one seldom lets a thought develop into deed, the idea remains that one's thoughts and one's deeds are actually such different things. One hardly ever leads to the other.
Today I got to spend a little time with Joseph, from buying my PC till we went back Marbella to build it. And I guess if there's anything I can take away from him, it would actually be that drive of his to work at what he wants till he gets it. Ironic, that I should also have been reminded by Paul in his early X'mas card to me, that its about time I start asking myself what my dreams are. And that next year should be the year I start pursuing them.
Enough of chasing after fantasies of what will never be mine to possess, and enough of living other people's dreams and other peoples' lives. What really scares me is the fact that I don't really seem to have any dreams of my own. All this while I've been convinced that what will make me happy would be to make others happy. And that's always been my intention over the years... to make those around me, and those I care for, happy.
Yet the words of Sun Yanzi's song keeps haunting me.
我以为这就是我所追求的世界
然而横冲直撞
被误解，被骗
是否成人的世界背后
总有残缺
我走在每天必须面对的分岔路
我怀念过去单纯美好的小幸福
爱总是让人哭，让人觉得不满足
天空很大却看不清楚，好孤独
Ironic too, that today in the car, my sis also said how she's slowly no longer enjoying her job as much. I don't know anymore, if its because we're all slowly getting jaded. I don't know if its because we all are changing. I don't know if life's actually like that. I used to think that I am better off being the way I am. Now I begin to question if Joseph got it right after all. At the end of the day, he seems to have better shrugged off the many friendships that have all gone cold in the pursuit of his ambitions, than I have managed to shrug off my lack of accomplishments despite the number of friends I keep so close to my heart.
They say that all your worldly materials will one day show itself for its hollowness. What they forget to mention is that even your friendships and relationships can be just as hollow. There are days when you suddenly awaken to the devastating realization that you actually mean so little to some, and there are other days when you become painfully aware of how you can suddenly stop caring for someone you always thought you loved.
I guess in the absence of any concrete ambitions or dreams that I possess, I will keep on doing what I do. Yet there is also the fear of what will I turn out looking like, five years after I find my dreams and start pursuing them.
Today I got to spend a little time with Joseph, from buying my PC till we went back Marbella to build it. And I guess if there's anything I can take away from him, it would actually be that drive of his to work at what he wants till he gets it. Ironic, that I should also have been reminded by Paul in his early X'mas card to me, that its about time I start asking myself what my dreams are. And that next year should be the year I start pursuing them.
Enough of chasing after fantasies of what will never be mine to possess, and enough of living other people's dreams and other peoples' lives. What really scares me is the fact that I don't really seem to have any dreams of my own. All this while I've been convinced that what will make me happy would be to make others happy. And that's always been my intention over the years... to make those around me, and those I care for, happy.
Yet the words of Sun Yanzi's song keeps haunting me.
我以为这就是我所追求的世界
然而横冲直撞
被误解，被骗
是否成人的世界背后
总有残缺
我走在每天必须面对的分岔路
我怀念过去单纯美好的小幸福
爱总是让人哭，让人觉得不满足
天空很大却看不清楚，好孤独
Ironic too, that today in the car, my sis also said how she's slowly no longer enjoying her job as much. I don't know anymore, if its because we're all slowly getting jaded. I don't know if its because we all are changing. I don't know if life's actually like that. I used to think that I am better off being the way I am. Now I begin to question if Joseph got it right after all. At the end of the day, he seems to have better shrugged off the many friendships that have all gone cold in the pursuit of his ambitions, than I have managed to shrug off my lack of accomplishments despite the number of friends I keep so close to my heart.
They say that all your worldly materials will one day show itself for its hollowness. What they forget to mention is that even your friendships and relationships can be just as hollow. There are days when you suddenly awaken to the devastating realization that you actually mean so little to some, and there are other days when you become painfully aware of how you can suddenly stop caring for someone you always thought you loved.
I guess in the absence of any concrete ambitions or dreams that I possess, I will keep on doing what I do. Yet there is also the fear of what will I turn out looking like, five years after I find my dreams and start pursuing them.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Falling For Time
Was watching Perhaps Love last night. One line stood out above all that was said or sung. It was after Jacky Cheung realized that his love affair with the female lead, his long-time girlfriend, was finally over. He stood up, and said “我们在一起久了。要的也多了。”
Something abt the way he said it, or the situation leading up to it… really caught me. A fren called me a few nights ago, talking abt how she felt very stifled by her bf, who keeps wanting more and more of her… not allowing her any space of her own. I just wondered abt how these things are so subtly progressive. We all start out in relationships being so polite and considerate. With minimum demands on the other, seeking to please and accommodate. In time, we start to more and more have demands on each other, expecting the other to think the way we do, share the same preferences as us… we wonder why we still don’t get each other, or develop the same passions for the same things… then we start wondering why we still dun understand each other after all this time… but we’re reluctant to let go of what we’ve clutched hold of for so long now already….
I watched Pride & Prejudice on mon, then Perhaps Love last night…. Two shows that both showcase a lot of very intense emotions, both buried under an exterior of composure. In one, social expectations forced the women to suppress their feelings, and their search for their own happiness. In the other, their feelings were always suppressed beneath a façade of independence and self-sufficiency, all in the name of how “the show must go on”.
What I really liked abt Pride & Prejudice was the fact that the couple who clung most fiercely to their romantic ideals, despite all opposition from both people and circumstances, were the most richly rewarded in the end. Jane and Bingley, despite their happily ever after as well, was hardly as satisfying as the one between Lizzie and Darcy. In fact, one comment I really liked said “Jane and Bingley exhibit to the reader true love unhampered by either pride or prejudice, though in their simple goodness, they also demonstrate that such a love is mildly dull.”
What I liked abt Perhaps Love was the ending… I don’t think I would have liked it if there had been a very clear cut ending. That would have been such a cop-out. In that sense, the English name for it, “Perhaps Love” actually serves as a better name than its actually Chinese name. In the show - Sun Na's affections, always torn between someone whom she still loves deeply despite her façade and her relationship with the man she spent such a long time with, who had built her up… The whole ambiguity of her feelings was so central to the story that if she had decided whom she was going to end up with by the end of the show, I would have really hated it.
Its been a gd week for me. Celebrated Syl’s birthday with the guys, watched two shows that really agreed with me (in the sense that it went down very well with me), and of course the fact that the laundry stopped being a concern of mine anymore. The only little dent in my week is the fact that my PC is down, barely operable…. As is my modem. So I have no internet connection at home… need to resort to checking all my mails in the office. Since my contract expires in 9 days, I need to take action. And soon.
Everyone’s been really sweet to me abt how I’m feeling towards the whole thing with Grace… I'm basking in the warmth of the attention. Grins. But I guess my bigger concern is for someone else, who obviously isn’t doing too well. Its always hard when dreams get shattered, and when we can only stand by helpless to watch the sandcastles we painstakingly put together washed out ruthlessly by the waves. And for those who care, its almost as painful to stand by helplessly, or to exercise the restraint to not interfere, and give the loved one time to be alone.
My profile says I’m a healer. But I’ve never once felt like one when talking to anyone who approached me. In fact, I always feel as helpless whether the person talks to me, or shuts off from me. But I guess one lesson I’ve always learnt again and again, marveling at the simplicity of its truth, is how we often forget the power of time.
How time really does change everything. How time reveals everything… from things we didn’t know, to things we didn’t want to admit about ourselves. How in time everything looks and feels so different from what it seemed back then. How time shows us how much we’ve grown, and how far we’ve come. How time heals all wounds (or, as someone once said… time reveals how God heals us…).
Its amazing, cos time is the one thing I hate the most when I'm in pain. I hate that it passes so slowly… that I can’t get out of it, that it forces me to live in and through the pain of what I'm going through. I can’t wait for it to pass quickly… trying to convince myself that the faster time passes by, the faster also, would I get over the pain.
Yet looking back, (at least for myself…) time is what I’m most grateful for, for the most obvious reasons.
Biding my time. One thing I’ve come to do. After falling in love with time. With what time can do. What it has done for me. How time is what will confirm my affections as either spurious or genuine… will affirm my convictions of what I always have clung on to as being right… that if I give anything time, it will be something that allows me to better trust my choice in the matter.
After all, that’s what Lizzie and Darcy did.
What Sun Na decided to do.
What I am doing.
Something abt the way he said it, or the situation leading up to it… really caught me. A fren called me a few nights ago, talking abt how she felt very stifled by her bf, who keeps wanting more and more of her… not allowing her any space of her own. I just wondered abt how these things are so subtly progressive. We all start out in relationships being so polite and considerate. With minimum demands on the other, seeking to please and accommodate. In time, we start to more and more have demands on each other, expecting the other to think the way we do, share the same preferences as us… we wonder why we still don’t get each other, or develop the same passions for the same things… then we start wondering why we still dun understand each other after all this time… but we’re reluctant to let go of what we’ve clutched hold of for so long now already….
I watched Pride & Prejudice on mon, then Perhaps Love last night…. Two shows that both showcase a lot of very intense emotions, both buried under an exterior of composure. In one, social expectations forced the women to suppress their feelings, and their search for their own happiness. In the other, their feelings were always suppressed beneath a façade of independence and self-sufficiency, all in the name of how “the show must go on”.
What I really liked abt Pride & Prejudice was the fact that the couple who clung most fiercely to their romantic ideals, despite all opposition from both people and circumstances, were the most richly rewarded in the end. Jane and Bingley, despite their happily ever after as well, was hardly as satisfying as the one between Lizzie and Darcy. In fact, one comment I really liked said “Jane and Bingley exhibit to the reader true love unhampered by either pride or prejudice, though in their simple goodness, they also demonstrate that such a love is mildly dull.”
What I liked abt Perhaps Love was the ending… I don’t think I would have liked it if there had been a very clear cut ending. That would have been such a cop-out. In that sense, the English name for it, “Perhaps Love” actually serves as a better name than its actually Chinese name. In the show - Sun Na's affections, always torn between someone whom she still loves deeply despite her façade and her relationship with the man she spent such a long time with, who had built her up… The whole ambiguity of her feelings was so central to the story that if she had decided whom she was going to end up with by the end of the show, I would have really hated it.
Its been a gd week for me. Celebrated Syl’s birthday with the guys, watched two shows that really agreed with me (in the sense that it went down very well with me), and of course the fact that the laundry stopped being a concern of mine anymore. The only little dent in my week is the fact that my PC is down, barely operable…. As is my modem. So I have no internet connection at home… need to resort to checking all my mails in the office. Since my contract expires in 9 days, I need to take action. And soon.
Everyone’s been really sweet to me abt how I’m feeling towards the whole thing with Grace… I'm basking in the warmth of the attention. Grins. But I guess my bigger concern is for someone else, who obviously isn’t doing too well. Its always hard when dreams get shattered, and when we can only stand by helpless to watch the sandcastles we painstakingly put together washed out ruthlessly by the waves. And for those who care, its almost as painful to stand by helplessly, or to exercise the restraint to not interfere, and give the loved one time to be alone.
My profile says I’m a healer. But I’ve never once felt like one when talking to anyone who approached me. In fact, I always feel as helpless whether the person talks to me, or shuts off from me. But I guess one lesson I’ve always learnt again and again, marveling at the simplicity of its truth, is how we often forget the power of time.
How time really does change everything. How time reveals everything… from things we didn’t know, to things we didn’t want to admit about ourselves. How in time everything looks and feels so different from what it seemed back then. How time shows us how much we’ve grown, and how far we’ve come. How time heals all wounds (or, as someone once said… time reveals how God heals us…).
Its amazing, cos time is the one thing I hate the most when I'm in pain. I hate that it passes so slowly… that I can’t get out of it, that it forces me to live in and through the pain of what I'm going through. I can’t wait for it to pass quickly… trying to convince myself that the faster time passes by, the faster also, would I get over the pain.
Yet looking back, (at least for myself…) time is what I’m most grateful for, for the most obvious reasons.
Biding my time. One thing I’ve come to do. After falling in love with time. With what time can do. What it has done for me. How time is what will confirm my affections as either spurious or genuine… will affirm my convictions of what I always have clung on to as being right… that if I give anything time, it will be something that allows me to better trust my choice in the matter.
After all, that’s what Lizzie and Darcy did.
What Sun Na decided to do.
What I am doing.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
My Pride and My Prejudices...
Just came home from watching Pride & Prejudice with Paul, then celebrating Syl’s birthday in the park with JL.
I am absolutely SMITTEN with the show. Everything, from the cinematography, to the script, to the delivery by the actors, to Keira Knightley, was absolutely gorgeous. The story is one that I knew, since I’ve more or less read the book before (tho I really can’t remember when. Possibly in primary sch, believe it or not.), but its still the same theme that always fascinates me… of the different relationships that end up developing… the different takes people have… from there mother who just wants to see the daughters married off, to the Lizzie, who fights off all expectations of her, to fall in love with the man whom even she herself never imagined falling for.
I’m such a sucker for these shows. But what really caught my eye was the magnificence of the scenery, the shots that captured each scene, and the skill of the director at arranging the shots. I guess this is one really easy vote for me, for Movie of the Year.
Grins.
Yes, I really really liked it.
Would probably watch it again, actually… if time permits. Muahahaha…
My parents are finally back, raving abt how fun Italy was. So I guess its pretty obvious they had fun. And THANK GOD I DUN NEED TO DO THE LAUNDRY AND CLEAN THE HOUSE ANYMORE…
So THANK GOD for parents… hehz…
This week I spent most of the time thinking abt my stay in my sis and Joseph’s place. (I hate the fact that I have to type out J-O-S-E-P-H, cos someone decided to take up the shorter name of J-O… Muahahahahaha… *cough cough*) There was the very obvious fact that since I was a guest, I was a lot more careful to be clean and neat, since I didn’t want to impos, and be too big a pest. Also wanted to spare my sis the trouble of cleaning up after me. Her husband’s enough of a challenge already. Hehz…
But there was the part where I had to decide how much stuff I wanted to bring there. How much clothes, my shaver, my deodorant, my hair wax… And I had to tell myself I’m only there for a week… not to bring too much, cos I’ll have to lug it all back. Then after settling in, I had to remind myself not to get too comfy, since I’m not gonna be here long. So it didn’t take long for me to make the connection, and see how it translates into the perfect little sermon illustration of how I also need to remind myself not to be too eager to hoard after things in this life.
Having driven the car for the whole week, giving it up was a drag. Staying in the new condo, and seeing how done up it is, I have my moments when I wish the house back in Sembawang could be like that. Spending time some time working, drawing a salary exposed me to the joys of earning/spending power, and makes me dread the day when I stop work, and will have to forego the flexibility it affords me. So many little things here and there that are well and truly good in itself, that I have to remind myself isn’t as important as I make it out to be… Corie Ten Boom once said “I have learnt to grasp the things of this earth very gently, so that it doesn’t hurt when the Lord pries it out of my hand.”
Somehow, that line keeps coming back to me. Mebbe God knows of the struggles in my heart sometimes, to desire for these things. I have more than my fair share of days, that I spend musing abt the possibilities that would exist if I were rich… from convenience, to dreams of philanthropy, to how it would be so much easier for girls to see me as a good catch… I guess I’m just like a lotta guys out there, very much attracted to the joys that this world has to offer… And so the quote serves as a marvelous reminder to me. Its ok to own them, to have them. To have my own car, my own modern home, money to live in convenience and comfort… its well and truly fine. But I need to learn to grasp it very gently, so that I am always ready to let go when I have to.
Another thing that has bugged me this week was how the fact that re-opening my communication was Grace seems to have stirred up a real hornet’s nest. From fair warnings abt the contemplation of getting back with her or getting into trouble again, to many who have asked me abt the possibilities of getting together again… it seems that everyone’s finally able to ask the question they wanted to ask but always couldn’t.
So here’s my answer, to those who asked but weren’t convinced, and those who just haven’t asked, but are interested in knowing. (If you’re neither, you’ve come to the end of this blog entry. Grins.)
I still care for her. Nothing to deny abt that. And I don’t think anything can change that. Your affections, once given out, isn’t really something that you can just withdraw. However, the fact remains that if I had only known her today, I would not have gone down the path that I did back then, since she’s turned out to be so different from who she was at 15. Or perhaps I just didn’t really know her at 15. One’s feelings of love alone - believe it or not - cannot conquer all.
Andrew and I maintain a very fragile peace, or uneasy truce… however you would want to phrase it. Getting back with her would mean putting her in a very tough spot, always torn between the disdain between two people she greatly cares for. Not really something I would wish for her. Also, her choice of him as a mentor hints at the qualities she values, (and I don’t deny Andrew has several commendable traits) which are vastly different from the things that I value. It suggests two people with very different personalities. No wonder she keeps harping on how she doesn’t understand me. Therefore apart from the very romantic ideal that we could get back together again, based on the feelings we have, would really smack of nothing more than mere foolishness.
So we will just have to chart new ground, and learn to care for each other in a different way.
So to all you people out there who are wondering, there’s my final answer. And to all you worry warts out there besides Eric, you can all breathe a sigh of relief too. Grins.
I will just have to keep on waiting for the right girl to finally notice me, then to appreciate me.
Hehz….
I am absolutely SMITTEN with the show. Everything, from the cinematography, to the script, to the delivery by the actors, to Keira Knightley, was absolutely gorgeous. The story is one that I knew, since I’ve more or less read the book before (tho I really can’t remember when. Possibly in primary sch, believe it or not.), but its still the same theme that always fascinates me… of the different relationships that end up developing… the different takes people have… from there mother who just wants to see the daughters married off, to the Lizzie, who fights off all expectations of her, to fall in love with the man whom even she herself never imagined falling for.
I’m such a sucker for these shows. But what really caught my eye was the magnificence of the scenery, the shots that captured each scene, and the skill of the director at arranging the shots. I guess this is one really easy vote for me, for Movie of the Year.
Grins.
Yes, I really really liked it.
Would probably watch it again, actually… if time permits. Muahahaha…
My parents are finally back, raving abt how fun Italy was. So I guess its pretty obvious they had fun. And THANK GOD I DUN NEED TO DO THE LAUNDRY AND CLEAN THE HOUSE ANYMORE…
So THANK GOD for parents… hehz…
This week I spent most of the time thinking abt my stay in my sis and Joseph’s place. (I hate the fact that I have to type out J-O-S-E-P-H, cos someone decided to take up the shorter name of J-O… Muahahahahaha… *cough cough*) There was the very obvious fact that since I was a guest, I was a lot more careful to be clean and neat, since I didn’t want to impos, and be too big a pest. Also wanted to spare my sis the trouble of cleaning up after me. Her husband’s enough of a challenge already. Hehz…
But there was the part where I had to decide how much stuff I wanted to bring there. How much clothes, my shaver, my deodorant, my hair wax… And I had to tell myself I’m only there for a week… not to bring too much, cos I’ll have to lug it all back. Then after settling in, I had to remind myself not to get too comfy, since I’m not gonna be here long. So it didn’t take long for me to make the connection, and see how it translates into the perfect little sermon illustration of how I also need to remind myself not to be too eager to hoard after things in this life.
Having driven the car for the whole week, giving it up was a drag. Staying in the new condo, and seeing how done up it is, I have my moments when I wish the house back in Sembawang could be like that. Spending time some time working, drawing a salary exposed me to the joys of earning/spending power, and makes me dread the day when I stop work, and will have to forego the flexibility it affords me. So many little things here and there that are well and truly good in itself, that I have to remind myself isn’t as important as I make it out to be… Corie Ten Boom once said “I have learnt to grasp the things of this earth very gently, so that it doesn’t hurt when the Lord pries it out of my hand.”
Somehow, that line keeps coming back to me. Mebbe God knows of the struggles in my heart sometimes, to desire for these things. I have more than my fair share of days, that I spend musing abt the possibilities that would exist if I were rich… from convenience, to dreams of philanthropy, to how it would be so much easier for girls to see me as a good catch… I guess I’m just like a lotta guys out there, very much attracted to the joys that this world has to offer… And so the quote serves as a marvelous reminder to me. Its ok to own them, to have them. To have my own car, my own modern home, money to live in convenience and comfort… its well and truly fine. But I need to learn to grasp it very gently, so that I am always ready to let go when I have to.
Another thing that has bugged me this week was how the fact that re-opening my communication was Grace seems to have stirred up a real hornet’s nest. From fair warnings abt the contemplation of getting back with her or getting into trouble again, to many who have asked me abt the possibilities of getting together again… it seems that everyone’s finally able to ask the question they wanted to ask but always couldn’t.
So here’s my answer, to those who asked but weren’t convinced, and those who just haven’t asked, but are interested in knowing. (If you’re neither, you’ve come to the end of this blog entry. Grins.)
I still care for her. Nothing to deny abt that. And I don’t think anything can change that. Your affections, once given out, isn’t really something that you can just withdraw. However, the fact remains that if I had only known her today, I would not have gone down the path that I did back then, since she’s turned out to be so different from who she was at 15. Or perhaps I just didn’t really know her at 15. One’s feelings of love alone - believe it or not - cannot conquer all.
Andrew and I maintain a very fragile peace, or uneasy truce… however you would want to phrase it. Getting back with her would mean putting her in a very tough spot, always torn between the disdain between two people she greatly cares for. Not really something I would wish for her. Also, her choice of him as a mentor hints at the qualities she values, (and I don’t deny Andrew has several commendable traits) which are vastly different from the things that I value. It suggests two people with very different personalities. No wonder she keeps harping on how she doesn’t understand me. Therefore apart from the very romantic ideal that we could get back together again, based on the feelings we have, would really smack of nothing more than mere foolishness.
So we will just have to chart new ground, and learn to care for each other in a different way.
So to all you people out there who are wondering, there’s my final answer. And to all you worry warts out there besides Eric, you can all breathe a sigh of relief too. Grins.
I will just have to keep on waiting for the right girl to finally notice me, then to appreciate me.
Hehz….
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Taking Stock...
I guess life has really been speeding past me the past year or so, and I’ve not had much opportunity to sit and think for a while. My bus trips home used to afford me the luxury of time to myself, where I get to shut off everything else around me, and think abt what’s going on inside of me, hearing my inner consciousness speak to me.
My parents being away means I get to drive around everyday lately. And ironic as it may seem, therefore, that even though it should logically translate to more time for myself, it has instead left me with even less time than ever before. I find myself more confident in scheduling things into my time, thinking of how much easier it is to run places and get things done. The vicious cycle means I also no longer have so much time to visit the park as before, which again translates into an even greater neglect of myself.
Yes, I think I’ve been neglecting myself.
And so I find myself strangely awake at 2 in the morning, more than a little lost with myself. Writing down the things that are coming into my head, ready to be posted on my blog in the office tmr. (I have no internet connection, currently boarding with my sis at the condo.)
A lot of thoughts are running through my head. My encounters with a few pple, where there are things I said to them, and some stuff were said to me. A very much loved friend has been quick to point out to me that she feels very much alienated from me, and more and more so lately. My ex has suddenly decided to call, and we had a conversation that was strange in that it bore the same familiarity and comfortableness from when we were together, that I wasn’t expecting – given our two years of silence from each other. Even creepier, since I think we ought to maintain a certain distance in our conversations now… Another asked me if I was alright, in that I seemed to have pulled back from people… a marvelous remark coming from a totally unexpected source, since I never thought we knew each other very well – yet he hit the nail right in the head, where many closer friends in my life did not pick up on.
With some friends, it was the silence that they bore with them, that spoke louder than anything else, of the struggles that are going on inside of them. From the superficial – like the trials and tribulations of exams and deadlines, to the more subtle yet probably more painful ordeal of personal pain and loss, or of letting go… it has also been a time for me to once again re-learn the lesson of grieving with those who grief, and to carry the burdens of those whom I love.
I guess part of the reason why I have become a little bit of an uncle agony in church has to do with how I seem to be drawn to pain. I’ve come to appreciate what pain can do to a person, if we allow it to work to our good. And I want to see and help those whom I care for, to be able to learn the lessons I’ve learnt, without having to bear as many of the scars as I. And so it seems that irregardless of the maturity by which I have handled those who came my way, I had something to offer that they appreciated – empathy and a little bit of an instinctive understanding of how they would like to be treated.
There’ve been a lot of talk of weddings going on around me. And I guess as much as I love weddings, it always leaves me feeling slightly melancholic.
Weddings leave me once again very much wishing I had someone beside me, to share these moments with. Eventful times in my life – where memories are built, stored up, and cherished, always makes me wish there was someone with whom I could have shared the memories with. Like my sister’s wedding, where I would have liked my future wife to have been around to witness… to even have helped me out in the preparations.
Then there’s the retreat at Changi, with the core team. Again, my personality test came out INFP. My profile is supposed to be a healer. That wasn’t a surprise. What was a surprise was just how many pple were shocked at the news that I am an introvert. Maybe that’s why nobody believes me when I say I have a phobia of talking to new friends, that I have to really steel myself to go up to them and initiate conversations. And why I actually have a much smaller pool of friends than people think.
I have a small pool of pple in my life whom I spend a lot of time with… and then the rest of the time I get by being friendly when in a crowd, then beating a hasty retreat before I have to engage anyone I’m not familiar with on a personal basis. To those few in my life, I invest myself pretty heavily in them. Maybe that’s why I place such a high premium on loyalty, and place such a fierce demand on my friends to trust me. And that’s probably also why those who know me well will realize I have days when I will sudden withdraw and become very distant… Those times when I just need to fade away and re-charge myself. I will of course show up if there is a need… but otherwise I would just suddenly cut myself off from everyone around me. I guess that was one thing that absolutely drove Grace nuts when we were together – how I would just suddenly detach myself from her, she would be left feeling like she doesn’t know me at all.
Hehz…
Ah well. Note to self: Must find someone who knows that about me, and doesn’t go berserk everytime I lock her out. Was considering the other day if I shd close down this blog. I seem to have run out of things to say. I mean, I am repeating myself way too often. It started off as a place for my verbal diarrhea, where I could indulge in my thoughts, and pour it out in private. Angry thoughts, depressive thoughts, bitter thoughts, longing thoughts… where I can rant at someone, and also just indulge in my crushes on someone else…
Yet now that I’m increasingly becoming aware of the extent of my silent readership, I’m wondering if its wise that I continue to express my opinions so freely here. Just in case I affect some with my personal opinions… or worse, I bitch abt someone whom I dunno reads this. Hehz…
But ah well. I guess at the end of the day, given how I keep being scolded for being such a stonewall in front of others, this provides a pretty convenient proxy for me to tell of myself… to both the readers who let me know they read this, and those silent ones who are keeping mum abt the fact that they have my blog address. (Voyeurs, one and all!!!!!! Grins.)
So to all you lucky readers out there, you can spend this X’mas basking in the good news that you will be able to carry on reading this delicious piece of trash every now and then, whenever I up date it – just once in a blue moon, of course.
=)
My parents being away means I get to drive around everyday lately. And ironic as it may seem, therefore, that even though it should logically translate to more time for myself, it has instead left me with even less time than ever before. I find myself more confident in scheduling things into my time, thinking of how much easier it is to run places and get things done. The vicious cycle means I also no longer have so much time to visit the park as before, which again translates into an even greater neglect of myself.
Yes, I think I’ve been neglecting myself.
And so I find myself strangely awake at 2 in the morning, more than a little lost with myself. Writing down the things that are coming into my head, ready to be posted on my blog in the office tmr. (I have no internet connection, currently boarding with my sis at the condo.)
A lot of thoughts are running through my head. My encounters with a few pple, where there are things I said to them, and some stuff were said to me. A very much loved friend has been quick to point out to me that she feels very much alienated from me, and more and more so lately. My ex has suddenly decided to call, and we had a conversation that was strange in that it bore the same familiarity and comfortableness from when we were together, that I wasn’t expecting – given our two years of silence from each other. Even creepier, since I think we ought to maintain a certain distance in our conversations now… Another asked me if I was alright, in that I seemed to have pulled back from people… a marvelous remark coming from a totally unexpected source, since I never thought we knew each other very well – yet he hit the nail right in the head, where many closer friends in my life did not pick up on.
With some friends, it was the silence that they bore with them, that spoke louder than anything else, of the struggles that are going on inside of them. From the superficial – like the trials and tribulations of exams and deadlines, to the more subtle yet probably more painful ordeal of personal pain and loss, or of letting go… it has also been a time for me to once again re-learn the lesson of grieving with those who grief, and to carry the burdens of those whom I love.
I guess part of the reason why I have become a little bit of an uncle agony in church has to do with how I seem to be drawn to pain. I’ve come to appreciate what pain can do to a person, if we allow it to work to our good. And I want to see and help those whom I care for, to be able to learn the lessons I’ve learnt, without having to bear as many of the scars as I. And so it seems that irregardless of the maturity by which I have handled those who came my way, I had something to offer that they appreciated – empathy and a little bit of an instinctive understanding of how they would like to be treated.
There’ve been a lot of talk of weddings going on around me. And I guess as much as I love weddings, it always leaves me feeling slightly melancholic.
Weddings leave me once again very much wishing I had someone beside me, to share these moments with. Eventful times in my life – where memories are built, stored up, and cherished, always makes me wish there was someone with whom I could have shared the memories with. Like my sister’s wedding, where I would have liked my future wife to have been around to witness… to even have helped me out in the preparations.
Then there’s the retreat at Changi, with the core team. Again, my personality test came out INFP. My profile is supposed to be a healer. That wasn’t a surprise. What was a surprise was just how many pple were shocked at the news that I am an introvert. Maybe that’s why nobody believes me when I say I have a phobia of talking to new friends, that I have to really steel myself to go up to them and initiate conversations. And why I actually have a much smaller pool of friends than people think.
I have a small pool of pple in my life whom I spend a lot of time with… and then the rest of the time I get by being friendly when in a crowd, then beating a hasty retreat before I have to engage anyone I’m not familiar with on a personal basis. To those few in my life, I invest myself pretty heavily in them. Maybe that’s why I place such a high premium on loyalty, and place such a fierce demand on my friends to trust me. And that’s probably also why those who know me well will realize I have days when I will sudden withdraw and become very distant… Those times when I just need to fade away and re-charge myself. I will of course show up if there is a need… but otherwise I would just suddenly cut myself off from everyone around me. I guess that was one thing that absolutely drove Grace nuts when we were together – how I would just suddenly detach myself from her, she would be left feeling like she doesn’t know me at all.
Hehz…
Ah well. Note to self: Must find someone who knows that about me, and doesn’t go berserk everytime I lock her out. Was considering the other day if I shd close down this blog. I seem to have run out of things to say. I mean, I am repeating myself way too often. It started off as a place for my verbal diarrhea, where I could indulge in my thoughts, and pour it out in private. Angry thoughts, depressive thoughts, bitter thoughts, longing thoughts… where I can rant at someone, and also just indulge in my crushes on someone else…
Yet now that I’m increasingly becoming aware of the extent of my silent readership, I’m wondering if its wise that I continue to express my opinions so freely here. Just in case I affect some with my personal opinions… or worse, I bitch abt someone whom I dunno reads this. Hehz…
But ah well. I guess at the end of the day, given how I keep being scolded for being such a stonewall in front of others, this provides a pretty convenient proxy for me to tell of myself… to both the readers who let me know they read this, and those silent ones who are keeping mum abt the fact that they have my blog address. (Voyeurs, one and all!!!!!! Grins.)
So to all you lucky readers out there, you can spend this X’mas basking in the good news that you will be able to carry on reading this delicious piece of trash every now and then, whenever I up date it – just once in a blue moon, of course.
=)
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Happy Days Are Here Again
Christmas is round the corner. The lights in Orchard Road are up. X"mas songs are playing all over department stores, and the X'mas sales are beginning. With students wrapping up their exams by this week or so, and with the company bash coming up this friday, it seems like everyone is ready to start winding down to the year, and enjoy the festive season.
Yet it is always the season that makes me rather pensive, and more than just a little depressive, I suppose. Maybe its because the whole year has tired me out. Maybe I'm naturally more withdrawn in the seasons where people have more time for each other. Maybe its because there's no one to spend X'mas with. Maybe I'm just plain boring. Hehz....
Whatever the case... yeah...
Time for a sad song once again...
Yet it is always the season that makes me rather pensive, and more than just a little depressive, I suppose. Maybe its because the whole year has tired me out. Maybe I'm naturally more withdrawn in the seasons where people have more time for each other. Maybe its because there's no one to spend X'mas with. Maybe I'm just plain boring. Hehz....
Whatever the case... yeah...
Time for a sad song once again...
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Where's My Next Song Coming From?
The past three days, a line from this show some of us watched on sunday has been haunting me. The show, Touched by An Angel, was recounting a story of a terminally ill kid, very sickly yet very brave. Along comes junior angel, discussing the kid's condition with senior angel. And senior angel said "The kid's very sick. His dreams are all broken, so that the Lord could give him wisdom."
And somehow that line has just stuck in my mind. Larry Crabb says God shatters our dreams that we might be recipients of the dreams that are well and truly God's, instead of our own. Gene Edwards says our dreams are broken and we live through pain that we might learn the kind of humility befitting a Servant King. And now senior angel says that we experienced broken dreams that we might gain wisdom.
Gene Edwards says in another book of his, The Inward Journey, where he talks abt the passage in Hebrews that says Christ was perfected in His suffering. And he goes on to say that Christ had to learn abt suffering in his time on earth, something he had to experience. And so he made a statement to the effect of how there are lessons to be learnt through the process of pain and broken dreams.
Yet I feel the crux of the issue lies in the perseverance through such pain. The one who is unwilling to go through it will emerge bitter and hollow, having picked up nothing from his trip into the valleys. It is only the willing traveller through the valley of death that will emerge all the wiser, and all the more glad. Only willingness will allow the Lord to turn mourning into dancing. Anything else is meaningless pain that we struggle to get out of, albeit in vain. Maybe that explains why so many Christians have great difficulty in trusting God to lead them through pain, and turn away. Because they weren't willing to enter into the pain at all in the first place. The demands that God seems to place on us to trust and obey, even when every fibre within our being is crying out for release, to cut loose and run away from our burdens... it seems almost too cruel to have come from a God who claims to love us.
The past 2 years of blogging has shown me that I'm only 2 yrs into what seems to be my own 40 yrs in the dessert. I keep circling around back to the same issues, dealing with my past failures and my longing to recapture my shattered dreams. Two songs that I treasure has served as sort of like the two pillars that kept my life from crashing everytime I felt the urge to just break away from God and indulge in my desires, to find some release for my heavy and tired heart. The first is a classic oldie, Trust His Heart. I remember the first time I heard it, and how the tears just wouldn't stop flowing at every word of the chorus. It was exactly the words I needed to hear back then.
"So when you don't understand, when you can't see His plan, when you can't trace His hand... Trust His Heart."
Not His promises in the Bible, because it just sounds so hollow. Not anything people can tell me about Him, because it seems that He's never failed anyone except me. Instead, trust His heart. Something intangible, yet the only thing that I can grasp at when it seems that there's no other way to make sense of what I was going through.
The other song is the one I posted up. If You Want me To, by Ginny Owens. I guess after my initial brush with failure and disappointment, and have learnt to handle it, I managed to make sense of it by telling myself it was moulding my character, and shaping my spirituality. I managed to convince myself that there was value in it, and thus not an exercise in futility. All my failures, all my demons, all my loneliness was there because God wants to use these trials in my life to shape me into the man that He wants me to be. Yet after 2 yrs, I look back and I don't think my trials have taught me much. I'm still as bitter, still as lonely, still as weak, still as insecure... and I still feel as far from God as I was for the longest time now...
That was when the song really struck something in me. I learnt not to start looking for agendas in the things I go through, to make excuses for God, that all those things I went through have been turned by God into something that worked for my good. I've learnt to acknowledge that my life is far from ideal. In fact, it is the pits. And realistically, it doesn't look like its going to get better. This world isn't geting any brighter. Its getting darker. And the scars I bear will probably never disappear magically, but will be what I carry with me till the day I die. I guess what the song has taught me is that despite all this... I will go through it - as long as it is what He wants me to. Simple as that.
And when this thought first hit me, it was pretty liberating. It made me understand how there were so many who could so graciously bear up under the most gross of injustices, and with so little in their life to cause envy. I guess it was a lot easier to bear with the pain when I no longer had to look for rhyme and reason of why I go through what I go through. So I no longer need to wonder why I go through each day with a heavy heart, or why my days seem to be characterized more by defeat and surrender rather than victory. I just need to trust His heart, then live through everything that comes my way, as long as it is what He wants me to do.
And a timely reminder it was tonight. I seem to have entered into another cycle of restlessness and melancholia. Christmas is round the corner. I remember posting a while back about how I can't wait for Christmas to be here, that I might have something to stir up hope within me. The last two weeks I felt I was running out of time. That its getting harder and harder to care for people. To reach out to those around me. To look out for them, and to keep up with them. Increasingly I found the temptation to shut myself in to be stronger and stronger. To just about anyone else, I would have seemed to be doing well. I'm getting better and better at hiding the melancholia and depression that is eating away at me inside.
Tonight as I sat down to think a little, I guess these two songs provided some form of comfort to me. It reminded me of a time when what I went through wasn't meaningless, because my meaning was found not my my self-fulfillment, but in fulfilling what He wants and desires.
And I'm left with a longing for yet another song to come my way, to serve as yet another pillar in my life, to keep it from crashing down around me. I once had such a song for 4 yrs, but that one has come and gone for good.
I'm still waiting, and I guess I'll keep on waiting... if He wants me to.
And somehow that line has just stuck in my mind. Larry Crabb says God shatters our dreams that we might be recipients of the dreams that are well and truly God's, instead of our own. Gene Edwards says our dreams are broken and we live through pain that we might learn the kind of humility befitting a Servant King. And now senior angel says that we experienced broken dreams that we might gain wisdom.
Gene Edwards says in another book of his, The Inward Journey, where he talks abt the passage in Hebrews that says Christ was perfected in His suffering. And he goes on to say that Christ had to learn abt suffering in his time on earth, something he had to experience. And so he made a statement to the effect of how there are lessons to be learnt through the process of pain and broken dreams.
Yet I feel the crux of the issue lies in the perseverance through such pain. The one who is unwilling to go through it will emerge bitter and hollow, having picked up nothing from his trip into the valleys. It is only the willing traveller through the valley of death that will emerge all the wiser, and all the more glad. Only willingness will allow the Lord to turn mourning into dancing. Anything else is meaningless pain that we struggle to get out of, albeit in vain. Maybe that explains why so many Christians have great difficulty in trusting God to lead them through pain, and turn away. Because they weren't willing to enter into the pain at all in the first place. The demands that God seems to place on us to trust and obey, even when every fibre within our being is crying out for release, to cut loose and run away from our burdens... it seems almost too cruel to have come from a God who claims to love us.
The past 2 years of blogging has shown me that I'm only 2 yrs into what seems to be my own 40 yrs in the dessert. I keep circling around back to the same issues, dealing with my past failures and my longing to recapture my shattered dreams. Two songs that I treasure has served as sort of like the two pillars that kept my life from crashing everytime I felt the urge to just break away from God and indulge in my desires, to find some release for my heavy and tired heart. The first is a classic oldie, Trust His Heart. I remember the first time I heard it, and how the tears just wouldn't stop flowing at every word of the chorus. It was exactly the words I needed to hear back then.
"So when you don't understand, when you can't see His plan, when you can't trace His hand... Trust His Heart."
Not His promises in the Bible, because it just sounds so hollow. Not anything people can tell me about Him, because it seems that He's never failed anyone except me. Instead, trust His heart. Something intangible, yet the only thing that I can grasp at when it seems that there's no other way to make sense of what I was going through.
The other song is the one I posted up. If You Want me To, by Ginny Owens. I guess after my initial brush with failure and disappointment, and have learnt to handle it, I managed to make sense of it by telling myself it was moulding my character, and shaping my spirituality. I managed to convince myself that there was value in it, and thus not an exercise in futility. All my failures, all my demons, all my loneliness was there because God wants to use these trials in my life to shape me into the man that He wants me to be. Yet after 2 yrs, I look back and I don't think my trials have taught me much. I'm still as bitter, still as lonely, still as weak, still as insecure... and I still feel as far from God as I was for the longest time now...
That was when the song really struck something in me. I learnt not to start looking for agendas in the things I go through, to make excuses for God, that all those things I went through have been turned by God into something that worked for my good. I've learnt to acknowledge that my life is far from ideal. In fact, it is the pits. And realistically, it doesn't look like its going to get better. This world isn't geting any brighter. Its getting darker. And the scars I bear will probably never disappear magically, but will be what I carry with me till the day I die. I guess what the song has taught me is that despite all this... I will go through it - as long as it is what He wants me to. Simple as that.
And when this thought first hit me, it was pretty liberating. It made me understand how there were so many who could so graciously bear up under the most gross of injustices, and with so little in their life to cause envy. I guess it was a lot easier to bear with the pain when I no longer had to look for rhyme and reason of why I go through what I go through. So I no longer need to wonder why I go through each day with a heavy heart, or why my days seem to be characterized more by defeat and surrender rather than victory. I just need to trust His heart, then live through everything that comes my way, as long as it is what He wants me to do.
And a timely reminder it was tonight. I seem to have entered into another cycle of restlessness and melancholia. Christmas is round the corner. I remember posting a while back about how I can't wait for Christmas to be here, that I might have something to stir up hope within me. The last two weeks I felt I was running out of time. That its getting harder and harder to care for people. To reach out to those around me. To look out for them, and to keep up with them. Increasingly I found the temptation to shut myself in to be stronger and stronger. To just about anyone else, I would have seemed to be doing well. I'm getting better and better at hiding the melancholia and depression that is eating away at me inside.
Tonight as I sat down to think a little, I guess these two songs provided some form of comfort to me. It reminded me of a time when what I went through wasn't meaningless, because my meaning was found not my my self-fulfillment, but in fulfilling what He wants and desires.
And I'm left with a longing for yet another song to come my way, to serve as yet another pillar in my life, to keep it from crashing down around me. I once had such a song for 4 yrs, but that one has come and gone for good.
I'm still waiting, and I guess I'll keep on waiting... if He wants me to.
Monday, November 21, 2005
Its Monday AGAIN...
2nd post in 2 days... those guys who complained that I dun write as much anymore are gonna regret they ever said so.
Hehz...
Anyway, I really liked today's message at chapel. I wasn't really myself when leading worship. I dunno why. Mebbe its cos I really didn't have the time to prepare... It was the first time I prepared a worship without knowing what the verse was going to be. I just had a sketchy grasp of the content of the sermon. So I told God I was really gonna throw the worship into His lap, and that He was going to have to lookout for me. So for once I kept my eyes closed for most of the time, instead of trying so hard to pay attention to everything around me... and I for once I decided to just really let myself worship, and let God be the one leading it. And maybe somehow in the midst of that, God prepared my heart for the message that followed.
Zhang Mu Shi spoke about love, and how the essence of love is one that is a response to the love we have received. And I guess it was always a topic that weighs heavily on my mind. All my brushes with authoritarian figures in church and Crusade have always left me wondering how can someone who on the surface seem to be doing what is biblically right - inflict more pain, and do more damage, than sitting by and apparently "letting the sinner get away with his sin"? Why is it that these people who seem to be on such an intimate walk with God be so blatantly guilty of trampling on people's dignity and the worth that God has placed on every person, and still feel so self-righteous about how they have been doing the will of God? Isn't it an act as blind as those who proclaim the grace of God right alongside the prosperity gospel?
So how does a spiritual dictator measure up against a spiritual shepherd?
I think of the one person above all who stands out in Campus Crusade - Anthony, and if I were to write down the first 5 words to come to mind, its would be Godly, Meek, Humble, Kind, Gentle. Anthony's no push-over. Those who know him better can tell you that. Yet unlike quite a few other staff members who always had the tendency to assert biblical authority to keep things under control, I always had the deepest respect for Anthony, for how he showed me what its like for a man to be able to trust God to be in control. I was never under any pressure from him to live up to any standards set. He was the first discipler I had who showed me what an unconditional acceptance was like.
Without meaning to let it serve as a finger-pointing session, I've also worked with some others who loved God so much that they forgot to love man. Their actions were always couched in biblical origins, with some very very good rationales for what they did. Yet the end result more often than not is that their acts of "living righteous lives that serves and pleases God", is that people leave the ministry. I've seen many who left Crusade, after having been stung by some very harsh words spoken with a lot of spiritual knowledge, yet devoid of any spiritual wisdom and love. And I've seen a lot of that in church as well. Of course, I don't put the blame solely on those people in places of authority. Leadership is a tough role, and there are many who leave a place where they dun get the affirmation they crave, to search for some place else that would feed their ego.
I guess it was always a tough call to make. But there were so many things that were said today in the sermon that touched a chord in me. About the need to identify and put oneself into others' shoes... the need to love because we ourselves have been the recipients - and God has promised that anything we invested in love will always reap a plentiful harvest... the need to step out of my myopia, and embrace a larger world than the one that I have marked out for my own comfort.
And everyday I am challenged to do that. From friends around me that disappoint, where I have to learn to see things from their point of view and so be more understanding than condemning... to colleagues that spook me out with some really weird inclinations, where I have to learn to always keep in mind that they too have a dignity and humanity that God has ascribed to them, which I have learn to respect... to even all those times where my efforts to reach out to a brother or sister continues to hit a brick wall after so many years, and I feel like giving up...
Just two weeks ago I was speaking to Stefan, Simon's friend from Germany. we were talking abt Europe, and how even tho 90% are professing Christians or Catholics, less than 10% go to church. In Asia, almost 70% of professing believers attend church, even tho the percentage of believers are a lot less. So while we look at them and wonder what sort of hypocritical faith they havem they too have issues with our faith. To them, they find it meaningless when they see so many who attend church, who walks out and continues to behave as though God only loves those who merit His love... more eager to trample on others' humanity to embrace God's divinity. Yet to us, we wonder what sort of blind belief could it be, that allows a person to claim to be a believer, yet be so all-inclusive of the things they believe in, until they might as well not have believed in anything at all.
And in my conversation with him, the one word we all agreed upon, which had repeatedly come up in our interractions, was the word "acceptance". And perhaps such really is the most important ingredient of love. If love truly covers all, then it would be more interested to build up people and bridge people, instead of tearing them down and dividing them. It does not mean a blatant indifference nor an absolute ignorance on what is right and wrong... but it means a willingness to overlook it on behalf of Christ, for the purpose of His family and His house.
I guess I'll have plenty of opportunities to learn these lessons in the weeks ahead. All these years have taught me that God's irony and timing is impeccable. The minute I claim to have learnt a lesson, He requires me to prove it.
Hehz... Ah well.
I guess that's also part of learning.
Can't believe its back to work again.
SIGH.
Hehz...
Anyway, I really liked today's message at chapel. I wasn't really myself when leading worship. I dunno why. Mebbe its cos I really didn't have the time to prepare... It was the first time I prepared a worship without knowing what the verse was going to be. I just had a sketchy grasp of the content of the sermon. So I told God I was really gonna throw the worship into His lap, and that He was going to have to lookout for me. So for once I kept my eyes closed for most of the time, instead of trying so hard to pay attention to everything around me... and I for once I decided to just really let myself worship, and let God be the one leading it. And maybe somehow in the midst of that, God prepared my heart for the message that followed.
Zhang Mu Shi spoke about love, and how the essence of love is one that is a response to the love we have received. And I guess it was always a topic that weighs heavily on my mind. All my brushes with authoritarian figures in church and Crusade have always left me wondering how can someone who on the surface seem to be doing what is biblically right - inflict more pain, and do more damage, than sitting by and apparently "letting the sinner get away with his sin"? Why is it that these people who seem to be on such an intimate walk with God be so blatantly guilty of trampling on people's dignity and the worth that God has placed on every person, and still feel so self-righteous about how they have been doing the will of God? Isn't it an act as blind as those who proclaim the grace of God right alongside the prosperity gospel?
So how does a spiritual dictator measure up against a spiritual shepherd?
I think of the one person above all who stands out in Campus Crusade - Anthony, and if I were to write down the first 5 words to come to mind, its would be Godly, Meek, Humble, Kind, Gentle. Anthony's no push-over. Those who know him better can tell you that. Yet unlike quite a few other staff members who always had the tendency to assert biblical authority to keep things under control, I always had the deepest respect for Anthony, for how he showed me what its like for a man to be able to trust God to be in control. I was never under any pressure from him to live up to any standards set. He was the first discipler I had who showed me what an unconditional acceptance was like.
Without meaning to let it serve as a finger-pointing session, I've also worked with some others who loved God so much that they forgot to love man. Their actions were always couched in biblical origins, with some very very good rationales for what they did. Yet the end result more often than not is that their acts of "living righteous lives that serves and pleases God", is that people leave the ministry. I've seen many who left Crusade, after having been stung by some very harsh words spoken with a lot of spiritual knowledge, yet devoid of any spiritual wisdom and love. And I've seen a lot of that in church as well. Of course, I don't put the blame solely on those people in places of authority. Leadership is a tough role, and there are many who leave a place where they dun get the affirmation they crave, to search for some place else that would feed their ego.
I guess it was always a tough call to make. But there were so many things that were said today in the sermon that touched a chord in me. About the need to identify and put oneself into others' shoes... the need to love because we ourselves have been the recipients - and God has promised that anything we invested in love will always reap a plentiful harvest... the need to step out of my myopia, and embrace a larger world than the one that I have marked out for my own comfort.
And everyday I am challenged to do that. From friends around me that disappoint, where I have to learn to see things from their point of view and so be more understanding than condemning... to colleagues that spook me out with some really weird inclinations, where I have to learn to always keep in mind that they too have a dignity and humanity that God has ascribed to them, which I have learn to respect... to even all those times where my efforts to reach out to a brother or sister continues to hit a brick wall after so many years, and I feel like giving up...
Just two weeks ago I was speaking to Stefan, Simon's friend from Germany. we were talking abt Europe, and how even tho 90% are professing Christians or Catholics, less than 10% go to church. In Asia, almost 70% of professing believers attend church, even tho the percentage of believers are a lot less. So while we look at them and wonder what sort of hypocritical faith they havem they too have issues with our faith. To them, they find it meaningless when they see so many who attend church, who walks out and continues to behave as though God only loves those who merit His love... more eager to trample on others' humanity to embrace God's divinity. Yet to us, we wonder what sort of blind belief could it be, that allows a person to claim to be a believer, yet be so all-inclusive of the things they believe in, until they might as well not have believed in anything at all.
And in my conversation with him, the one word we all agreed upon, which had repeatedly come up in our interractions, was the word "acceptance". And perhaps such really is the most important ingredient of love. If love truly covers all, then it would be more interested to build up people and bridge people, instead of tearing them down and dividing them. It does not mean a blatant indifference nor an absolute ignorance on what is right and wrong... but it means a willingness to overlook it on behalf of Christ, for the purpose of His family and His house.
I guess I'll have plenty of opportunities to learn these lessons in the weeks ahead. All these years have taught me that God's irony and timing is impeccable. The minute I claim to have learnt a lesson, He requires me to prove it.
Hehz... Ah well.
I guess that's also part of learning.
Can't believe its back to work again.
SIGH.
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Once In A Blue Moon, I DO Write
People have been asking why I don't write as much anymore.
I don't know. Maybe its because I'm tired of always writing about the same old thing. Maybe its because I'm too tired out by work and studies. Maybe I've just been too busy. Or maybe I'm just trying to not let the melancholia get the better of me.
Today I attended Aaron's wedding. And even as there is part of me who is really happy for him that he's finally settled down with a good girl, I've had more than a few questions over Aaron's choice. There are some guys out there who "just need to have someone in my life". And so these guys would rather settle for a life with someone that has managed to cross the minimum standard, and who has said yes. And I used to think Aaron's like that. I'm not so sure now, but the question is still somewhat nagging at the back of my head.
Lately, there have bene a couple of guys who came up to me, telling me how much they miss their ex boyfriend/girlfriend. And they really do. One started crying when she dug up some old stuff that represented the remnants of a broken promise to spend the rest of their lives together, while another is unable to muster up any sense of joy in the light of his longings for what he's always wanted so badly, but which seems destined to be denied him.
And not too long ago I've been asked what I would feel if Grace were to get attached again. Honestly, I really don't have a clue. All I know is that even till this day, there have been moments when I catch myself still letting thoughts stray to her. No longer the angry thoughts of the betrayal that hurt so much, no longer the longing to regain back the sweet moments we once shared... but perhaps just the nostalgia of what it was like to have someone share your life with you. Of those times when there was at least one person out there who would know you like no one else ever did. The one person over others where you had no need to maintain a facade, simply because she's spent so much time with you that any pretence would have been unbearably tiring. And so there is a nostalgic kind of longing, that is tinged with the regret that it is impossible to go back again. And since looking forward is too tiring, and too uncertain, I guess that explains why I let my thoughts remain in the past...
Why is it so hard for me to move on in a relationship, when for others it is so easy? More than two years on, I still find it hard to convince myself I'll be able to love the girl as much as I loved Grace. Not to mention the scars of that r/s still leaves me with a deep sense of insecurity that she won't do to me what Grace did. Maybe that's why I'm still waiting for the girl to make the first move, so that it gives me a measure of security that she really wants to be in such a r/s. I'm done with being a tryout for someone else.
Not too long ago, I told myself I'll spend my bus trips back hom praying to God... and make it a discipline. I used to love praying... I used to feel so close to God when I prayed. Yet now, I feel like Susan in Chronicles of Narnia, who grew up and out-grew the wonder of it all. For a couple of weeks, I really did pray. Then this week I started to find that everytime I prayed, my thoughts would wander to three things - My studies, work at Reuters, and a r/s. My longing to make right both my studies and r/s this time round, and also always at the back of my head the question of whether or not I'll still be a Reuters next year. And no matter how hard I try to pray, it always comes back to these three things.
Yet the funny thing is, I really don't know what I want in all these three things. My choice of studies is increasingly looking like a bad idea. I'm thinking of switching course for my second year onwards, from a degree in general management, to business management. I dunno if extending my contract is a good idea, since I DO need to make time to study. I dunno if I'm ready to enter into another r/s. Of course, the irony is that from the moment I'm ready to enter one, it might still be another ten yrs before someone right comes along.
SIGH.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this isn't a crazy world.
Maybe its just me.
Hehz...
Of course, not to be so locked up in my little world, its also time to finally put down on this blog, my hearty congratulations to a very dear friend for having finally taken a plunge to step into a r/s. I guess by now she shd have told all those around her who read my blog, so its safe to put it down now.
As much as I'm happy for her, I'm running out of 'scapegoats' whom I can divert attention to the next time someone asks me abt dating. That's gonna be something sorrying.
Hehz...
I don't know. Maybe its because I'm tired of always writing about the same old thing. Maybe its because I'm too tired out by work and studies. Maybe I've just been too busy. Or maybe I'm just trying to not let the melancholia get the better of me.
Today I attended Aaron's wedding. And even as there is part of me who is really happy for him that he's finally settled down with a good girl, I've had more than a few questions over Aaron's choice. There are some guys out there who "just need to have someone in my life". And so these guys would rather settle for a life with someone that has managed to cross the minimum standard, and who has said yes. And I used to think Aaron's like that. I'm not so sure now, but the question is still somewhat nagging at the back of my head.
Lately, there have bene a couple of guys who came up to me, telling me how much they miss their ex boyfriend/girlfriend. And they really do. One started crying when she dug up some old stuff that represented the remnants of a broken promise to spend the rest of their lives together, while another is unable to muster up any sense of joy in the light of his longings for what he's always wanted so badly, but which seems destined to be denied him.
And not too long ago I've been asked what I would feel if Grace were to get attached again. Honestly, I really don't have a clue. All I know is that even till this day, there have been moments when I catch myself still letting thoughts stray to her. No longer the angry thoughts of the betrayal that hurt so much, no longer the longing to regain back the sweet moments we once shared... but perhaps just the nostalgia of what it was like to have someone share your life with you. Of those times when there was at least one person out there who would know you like no one else ever did. The one person over others where you had no need to maintain a facade, simply because she's spent so much time with you that any pretence would have been unbearably tiring. And so there is a nostalgic kind of longing, that is tinged with the regret that it is impossible to go back again. And since looking forward is too tiring, and too uncertain, I guess that explains why I let my thoughts remain in the past...
Why is it so hard for me to move on in a relationship, when for others it is so easy? More than two years on, I still find it hard to convince myself I'll be able to love the girl as much as I loved Grace. Not to mention the scars of that r/s still leaves me with a deep sense of insecurity that she won't do to me what Grace did. Maybe that's why I'm still waiting for the girl to make the first move, so that it gives me a measure of security that she really wants to be in such a r/s. I'm done with being a tryout for someone else.
Not too long ago, I told myself I'll spend my bus trips back hom praying to God... and make it a discipline. I used to love praying... I used to feel so close to God when I prayed. Yet now, I feel like Susan in Chronicles of Narnia, who grew up and out-grew the wonder of it all. For a couple of weeks, I really did pray. Then this week I started to find that everytime I prayed, my thoughts would wander to three things - My studies, work at Reuters, and a r/s. My longing to make right both my studies and r/s this time round, and also always at the back of my head the question of whether or not I'll still be a Reuters next year. And no matter how hard I try to pray, it always comes back to these three things.
Yet the funny thing is, I really don't know what I want in all these three things. My choice of studies is increasingly looking like a bad idea. I'm thinking of switching course for my second year onwards, from a degree in general management, to business management. I dunno if extending my contract is a good idea, since I DO need to make time to study. I dunno if I'm ready to enter into another r/s. Of course, the irony is that from the moment I'm ready to enter one, it might still be another ten yrs before someone right comes along.
SIGH.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this isn't a crazy world.
Maybe its just me.
Hehz...
Of course, not to be so locked up in my little world, its also time to finally put down on this blog, my hearty congratulations to a very dear friend for having finally taken a plunge to step into a r/s. I guess by now she shd have told all those around her who read my blog, so its safe to put it down now.
As much as I'm happy for her, I'm running out of 'scapegoats' whom I can divert attention to the next time someone asks me abt dating. That's gonna be something sorrying.
Hehz...
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Worship Leader Insecurities at 2am
As I sit here at 2 in the morning, having finally finished preparing for worship practice later, I realise that my choice of songs is inevitably influenced by my present mood…. When I’m in a state of confusion, or when I’m feeling rather lost, my choice of songs reflect a really poor flow of theme and music. Disorganized and all jumbled up, I very quickly forget my purpose for putting it there in the first place. Making up reasons becomes the instinctive next step, giving little thought to the flow as a whole. The process repeats itself at the next song, and the whole worship becomes a shamble.
Tonight wasn’t one of those nights. But as I sat and thought about it, I realize that my rather pensive mood did show itself through my choice of songs. These past few days have been hectic and stretching, yet somehow I don’t find myself feeling particularly overwhelmed by tiredness, or emotionally drained by the things ahead of and around me. Thus I’ve stopped picking songs about tiredness, and finding rest in God. I remember times in the past where every week that I led was very much held together by the over-arching theme of finding rest in God…
And I guess even though it should have been common sense, it did strike me in a way, just how much of worship is still led by my self, instead of something supernaturally put together by the hand of God. And yet somehow if my heart was right before God, then no matter how scatter-brained I was, no matter how much my preparations were affected by my state of mind, then God could use the preparations to make a difference at the service, and turn something worthless into something priceless.
I guess I needed to know that now, because my worship prep still feels really sketchy and ill-prepared. My thoughts kept wandering back to some things that have been bothering me for some time now… and so even though by and large the preparations are done, I keep having the nagging doubt that its gonna turn out right. Worse part is, I can’t decide if the feeling stems from a genuine lack of proper preparations, or due to my current state of mind.
Aaarrrrgggh. Nevertheless, I shall put it aside and strive to catch some shut-eye, and take comfort in what I’ve just learnt.
Tonight wasn’t one of those nights. But as I sat and thought about it, I realize that my rather pensive mood did show itself through my choice of songs. These past few days have been hectic and stretching, yet somehow I don’t find myself feeling particularly overwhelmed by tiredness, or emotionally drained by the things ahead of and around me. Thus I’ve stopped picking songs about tiredness, and finding rest in God. I remember times in the past where every week that I led was very much held together by the over-arching theme of finding rest in God…
And I guess even though it should have been common sense, it did strike me in a way, just how much of worship is still led by my self, instead of something supernaturally put together by the hand of God. And yet somehow if my heart was right before God, then no matter how scatter-brained I was, no matter how much my preparations were affected by my state of mind, then God could use the preparations to make a difference at the service, and turn something worthless into something priceless.
I guess I needed to know that now, because my worship prep still feels really sketchy and ill-prepared. My thoughts kept wandering back to some things that have been bothering me for some time now… and so even though by and large the preparations are done, I keep having the nagging doubt that its gonna turn out right. Worse part is, I can’t decide if the feeling stems from a genuine lack of proper preparations, or due to my current state of mind.
Aaarrrrgggh. Nevertheless, I shall put it aside and strive to catch some shut-eye, and take comfort in what I’ve just learnt.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Safe In A Crazy World
Its funny how clichéd it sounds when I speak again of how God seems to keep me safe in this crazy world. Yes, not sane in a crazy world, but safe in a world that seems to have driven itself mad. I was just musing to myself that this whole world seems to be moving on so fast that I can’t catch up. Everyone’s all moving on with their lives, getting married and getting their careers slowly settled in order… they’re all slowly entering the adult phase of their lives, saving up as they work. And the fear inevitably arises, that I’ll be forgotten in the wake of the distance that has come between me and the world, and all those whom I hold dear to my heart.
I always fancied myself as a man with a small heart. One with little faith in others, and even less in myself. And along with that comes the inevitable barrage of questions that I ask in the silences of my mind, about how important those around me are to me, and how important I will be to them. How do I actually view them in all those times when they aren’t aware of my take on them, and how they likewise view me apart from the times they let me know. Then I after answering those questions myself, I question if I was right in my judgment, and if I was being either incredibly naive or unbelievably cynical. And each time I find myself in a position to love someone and be genuine, these questions surfaces to haunt me, and stop me from opening up more than I really should. And since these questions don’t really ever come to an end, my subtle paranoia never ceases. In short, as I question others, and question myself for questioning others, I lock myself into this senselessly mind-numbing experience that paralyses me from being able to function normally. I therefore spend almost equal amounts of time trying to give as much as I can to all those around me, as well as totally withdrawing from everyone back into my own shell.
Enter God, into the equation. I don’t become any more sane. I still question, I still worry, and I’m pretty sure I’m still as paranoid as ever. But somehow there’s a part of me that dares to every now and then venture to open up with reckless abandon, within that small window of grace, where I somehow feel the safety and security in something bigger than me, to reach outside of me and connect with someone. Somehow as the song goes, as long as there was someone out there who understood me, and embraced my fragilty, I could feel safe, and rest in the comfort of that knowledge.
So as Sarah Mclachlan sung, its time to stop weeping for the memories. I used to love the song for its second stanza, yet strangely revisiting this song tonight, the chorus jumps out at me, to learn to leave and let go of the past. And I really do cling an awful lot to the past. To all those whom I’ve once shared bits and pieces of my heart and my life with, who has now seemingly faded out of my life. Now when we meet up, it seems that all we do is reminisce, and don’t really make any effort to catch up anymore. I think back to the days of my fellowship and cell group, and the original gang that did so much together - and after a while, my social circle in church runs the risk of being made up of absent friends more than the ones present who really deserve more from me. In ministry I keep looking back to the times when the Lord was gracious in blessing the things we did, and the church seemed to be on fire for God - now that there remains the need for us to be faithful stewards who persevere at what we do, I catch myself living in the past, on the excuse of trying to draw strength from the times when God’s been good to us, forgetting that God is still as good to us as He was then. In love, I find myself questioning if any girl would ever love me like Grace did, and if things would ever work out. For two years, my search was for a replacement. Mebbe that’s why I never did find anyone - even now I'm still reminding myself whenever I feel the urge to start a r/s, that it must not be an exercise in seeking back that which I lost, but the discovery of something brand new.
Then of course, there are those people whom I’ve even given up trying to reminisce with, or bother to remember, despite us having once been so close. My JC class is slowly becoming like that. And even as I mourn the loss of some very dear friends whom I once held so very close to my heart, part of me is acknowledging that its time to move on. That even as there’s no need to cut off contact, there also needs to be the decision to recognize the end of a segment of my life. “Don’t let your life pass you by, weep not for the memories”
Lastly, there are those whom I feel I’ve gradually lost touch with, that I’ve always been reluctant to do so. Like some of those in Crusade, whom I valued very much. Yet graduation, work and ministry inevitably takes its toll on a friendship that has lost much of its context and reason for meeting up. The rest just depends on pure effort, which very easily gets brushed aside in the light of busy schedules and all.
And as life around me seems to be getting crazier everyday, and its harder and harder to make any sor of sense of all that goes on around me, I find myself going back again to one thing I realized about myself – the answer for me isn’t to have a solution to this world I live in, an answer for all the ironies and all the cruelties that this life extracts from me. Making sense of it won’t make any difference. Feeling safe in spite of it all would. And that’s what God has somehow done for me. Somehow, in these two weeks, one of the busiest that I’ve ever experienced, He's done that for me.
Somehow, He found the time to subtly let me know He’s around, so that even though I missed it when he told me, I felt His presence after that for the rest of the week.
P.S., Man Utd ended Chelsea's 40-match unbeaten streak last night with a 1-0 win at Old Trafford, posting for themselves their first win in 13 games. I guess not only did He make sure I felt His presence this week, but He made sure to let me know He's a Man Utd fan. Grins.
I always fancied myself as a man with a small heart. One with little faith in others, and even less in myself. And along with that comes the inevitable barrage of questions that I ask in the silences of my mind, about how important those around me are to me, and how important I will be to them. How do I actually view them in all those times when they aren’t aware of my take on them, and how they likewise view me apart from the times they let me know. Then I after answering those questions myself, I question if I was right in my judgment, and if I was being either incredibly naive or unbelievably cynical. And each time I find myself in a position to love someone and be genuine, these questions surfaces to haunt me, and stop me from opening up more than I really should. And since these questions don’t really ever come to an end, my subtle paranoia never ceases. In short, as I question others, and question myself for questioning others, I lock myself into this senselessly mind-numbing experience that paralyses me from being able to function normally. I therefore spend almost equal amounts of time trying to give as much as I can to all those around me, as well as totally withdrawing from everyone back into my own shell.
Enter God, into the equation. I don’t become any more sane. I still question, I still worry, and I’m pretty sure I’m still as paranoid as ever. But somehow there’s a part of me that dares to every now and then venture to open up with reckless abandon, within that small window of grace, where I somehow feel the safety and security in something bigger than me, to reach outside of me and connect with someone. Somehow as the song goes, as long as there was someone out there who understood me, and embraced my fragilty, I could feel safe, and rest in the comfort of that knowledge.
So as Sarah Mclachlan sung, its time to stop weeping for the memories. I used to love the song for its second stanza, yet strangely revisiting this song tonight, the chorus jumps out at me, to learn to leave and let go of the past. And I really do cling an awful lot to the past. To all those whom I’ve once shared bits and pieces of my heart and my life with, who has now seemingly faded out of my life. Now when we meet up, it seems that all we do is reminisce, and don’t really make any effort to catch up anymore. I think back to the days of my fellowship and cell group, and the original gang that did so much together - and after a while, my social circle in church runs the risk of being made up of absent friends more than the ones present who really deserve more from me. In ministry I keep looking back to the times when the Lord was gracious in blessing the things we did, and the church seemed to be on fire for God - now that there remains the need for us to be faithful stewards who persevere at what we do, I catch myself living in the past, on the excuse of trying to draw strength from the times when God’s been good to us, forgetting that God is still as good to us as He was then. In love, I find myself questioning if any girl would ever love me like Grace did, and if things would ever work out. For two years, my search was for a replacement. Mebbe that’s why I never did find anyone - even now I'm still reminding myself whenever I feel the urge to start a r/s, that it must not be an exercise in seeking back that which I lost, but the discovery of something brand new.
Then of course, there are those people whom I’ve even given up trying to reminisce with, or bother to remember, despite us having once been so close. My JC class is slowly becoming like that. And even as I mourn the loss of some very dear friends whom I once held so very close to my heart, part of me is acknowledging that its time to move on. That even as there’s no need to cut off contact, there also needs to be the decision to recognize the end of a segment of my life. “Don’t let your life pass you by, weep not for the memories”
Lastly, there are those whom I feel I’ve gradually lost touch with, that I’ve always been reluctant to do so. Like some of those in Crusade, whom I valued very much. Yet graduation, work and ministry inevitably takes its toll on a friendship that has lost much of its context and reason for meeting up. The rest just depends on pure effort, which very easily gets brushed aside in the light of busy schedules and all.
And as life around me seems to be getting crazier everyday, and its harder and harder to make any sor of sense of all that goes on around me, I find myself going back again to one thing I realized about myself – the answer for me isn’t to have a solution to this world I live in, an answer for all the ironies and all the cruelties that this life extracts from me. Making sense of it won’t make any difference. Feeling safe in spite of it all would. And that’s what God has somehow done for me. Somehow, in these two weeks, one of the busiest that I’ve ever experienced, He's done that for me.
Somehow, He found the time to subtly let me know He’s around, so that even though I missed it when he told me, I felt His presence after that for the rest of the week.
P.S., Man Utd ended Chelsea's 40-match unbeaten streak last night with a 1-0 win at Old Trafford, posting for themselves their first win in 13 games. I guess not only did He make sure I felt His presence this week, but He made sure to let me know He's a Man Utd fan. Grins.
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