Post-Valentines Resolution

So the day has come and gone.

Valentine’s Day, some call it. Friendship Day also, we used to in JC, when we needed to mask our reasons for giving the girl next door a rose. Fellowship Day, as I coined it just now over drinks with some guys in the worship ministry.

Well, contrary to my pessimism, the day actually DID turn out pretty well. The non-rain actually turned out to be a blessing, cos I got to enjoy a very cool evening beside the river, at One Fullerton.

I’ve recently been the subject of some unwanted attention. (Its always the inappropriate ones who seem to have a thing for me. Sigh.) And I guess God couldn’t have picked a better time to remind me of how unwanted attention can cause quite a lot of awkwardness, and how ultimately how hopeless it really is, despite the natural optimism that comes when one harbors a hope.

So… I guess with V-Day come and gone, with no sign that my romance will be encouraged or flower, I shall be true to the promise I made myself, and do things differently.

Guys who read this – I guess for my birthday or anytime sooner when you wanna get me a present, I really really really want a dog. A real dog. Not one of them poodle things you could kill by accidentally stepping on them. A Retriever, a Labrador, an Alsatian… that sort of dogs.

Yeah.

I guess for want of a real companion, what has always been known as Man’s Best Friend can’t really be too bad eh?

Grins.

Anyone?

Happy Valentine's Day...

And so its finally here.

I doubt amongst those who read my blog, there would be many who would believe it if I didn’t post anything on Valentines’ Day. Yet such was indeed my inclination until 15 mins ago.

Happy Valentines’, one and all… This marks my third Valentines’ Day as a single. As I was telling Weimin just now, it’s a day that I’ve come to dread. Everywhere I turn on the streets, every way I look on the bus or in the train, I see couples holding hands, standing beside someone whom they call their own. All this while I stand alone, the only thing my hand is holding being my book. Hehz…

It’s a pretty forlorn sight.

Ah well.

As Richard Fish is so fond of saying… Bygones.

My dear boyfriend will be having steamboat with his soon-to-be-gf ex-gf. Yes, read that again. His soon-to-be-girlfriend ex-girlfriend. Grins. (I love that little turn of phrase, I dunno why.) Gabriel is trying to organize a group date that I absolutely dread, which I might turn up for if only to save him from letting it end up as a date with him and CF. Hehz…

My own ideal way of spending Valentines’ tmr? If only it’ll rain… Then I would go down to the Esplanade library, and sit down at the window seats to read my book, or just to watch the rain. I am optimistic that there are very few who would spend tmr in the library, unless there are really a lot of lonely hearts out there like me who choose to pretend that they actually believe they prefer their books more than love and companionship.

The only way for tmr to turn out well beyond my expectations would be if it rained heavily. Tho that would actually be a pretty selfish wish, since it means spoiling the plans of many a happy couple out there. Alternatively, if my Fiona actually calls me and asks me out… that would be ecstasy.

Failing which, I guess I’ll settle for the vicarious indulgence of Elizabeth Bennet’s love, and finish the darned book once and for all. God knows I’ve dallied over it long enough. It’s a short enough book to be an easy read. Yet as much as I delight in it, I somehow just never seem to come round to completing it.

Ah well.

Happy Valentines’, one and all… For those with a date, have a great one!!! The rest out there like me… well, the ironic truth is that you’re not alone.

Grins.

起初只是朋友

Thought that this postcard goes perfectly well with the song.

=)

My Fickle Life

“Its that time of the year again, when love and
courtship is in the air. When large amounts of money are spent to win hearts and
minds. When suitors try to win the hand of their lady fair, and sometimes,
relationships are tested, as upstarts try to win over someone already
attached.

Yes, I am talking about the elections.”

- Mr Brown

Hehz… it kindda cracked me up reading this. I seldom pay any attention to Mr Brown, but just chanced upon this piece he was writing.

Well, the 15 days of Chinese New Year are finally over. At least, today marks the last day. Ironically, the 15th is also traditionally known as the Lunar Valentines’ Day.

I spent the afternoon at a wedding in church camped behind the sanctuary where the organ is, catching up with Jing Jing. For those who are wondering what’s going on – We ended up there only because she was the organist. It wasn’t anything illicit. Hehz…

I think I have a pretty remarkable friendship with her, which is probably closest to the kind of relationship that I have with my sister. We’ve known each other since we were kids, and although I can hardly ever remember asking her out for drinks to catch up, nor long conversations over the phone (ever), somehow we’ve always felt like we were very close, and that we could understand each other. So even though I don’t have a clue about almost every aspect of her life in details, (I don’t even remember her brother’s name) our conversations always flowed, and we never seem to run out of things to talk about. Catching up on each other’s life is pretty easy, and she’s probably the only one I’d have no qualms abt confessing a crush I have on someone else to. I guess with old friends you catch up with only once or twice a year, you can afford to be candid with little or no consequence to your life.

Hehz… Everyone shd have such a friend or two. So convenient.

Grins.

Its been a really really great end to the week. Daoxing called me with some really great news, and it was the first time he sounded so happy in a long long time. Had a good time with Jing, then enjoyed worship prac with Yibin who’s playing for us now once a month. Working with such accomplished musicians is always such a torture, given how inadequate and therefore pressured I feel. But at the same time, it gives me a very steep learning curve. After that the worship team (more or less) hung around for dinner. The only blip was when I again missed the closing time for a haircut by 15 mins. After that I had a good session catching up with Serene. Then I came home to read the news that MIDDLESBOROUGH BEAT CHELSEA 3-0. Way to go Boro!!!!!!!!

The euphoria of a rare day where I actually enjoyed it so much still lingers, and somehow makes the melancholia of the early hours of the morning somewhat less. I don’t think I’ve felt this good throughout the whole CNY period as I do now. Hehz… what with news that the laptop and keyboard that we assumed to be stolen having both been found, the week that started in such bleak fashion has slowly unfurled into a good one.

People keep asking me what I want to do with my life. And when I say I don’t know, they ask me what is the one thing that I really like doing, and have a passion for.

Well, I like meeting up, catching up with people. I like being able to help people. I like being involved in people’s lives. If anyone knows how to turn this into a professional career that makes good money, pls don’t hesitate to call and tell me. There are times when I think that’s like saying “I like eating ice-cream and chocolates. If anyone knows how to turn this into a professional career that makes good money, pls don’t hesitate to call and tell me.” Then I’m reminded that so many people out there actually like to keep to themselves, and really can’t be bothered to keep up and keep in touch with people. There’re too many stories of friendships that have slowly grown cold and distant through neglect to prove me right already. So perhaps its something that really does take more effort than it seems on the outside, and it does take a legitimate passion to do so.

I just haven’t figured out a way to turn it into a proper form of living yet.

Hehz…

Ideas, anyone?

I found this song by accident on a website. And it really started to grow on me. So in commemoration of the Lunar Valentines’ Day, and the actual Valentines’ Day that’s in two days time, this song goes all to all those out there who join me in sharing the same sentiments.

Cheers!

Going Back Ten Years

I’ve just attended my JC class gathering. We’ve known each other for 10 years now. The attendance was surprisingly good… for a class of 18, we had 12 who showed up. Hanson and Yen Li haved ROM-ed… Revathi is now married… Jelaine is getting married end of this year, Daphne may be doing so next year, and Vanda is also getting married soon. Plus… Jean is finally attached (!!!!), and we got to meet the boyfriend tonight. Grins. Man… its amazing to think how everyone has already moved on so much… and even more amazing to find that we can still keep together as a class.

I remember showing up for this gathering with some dread, just wondering what else is there to say to each other after so long. After all, we’ve all been living such separate lives all this while save for a few, and over the past few years we seem to have distanced ourselves quite a bit. I only agreed to turn up cos it marks the 10th year that we’ve all known each other.

I keep my class picture on my table, under the glass. To think that its ten years already!! Funny thing is… looking at the picture… we all really haven’t changed a bit. Not in the least. If we put on our uniforms again, we’d look exactly the same as before.

Anyway, I was pleasantly surprised at how easily conversation flowed. The banter kept going, and we were pretty much able to catch up with what each other is doing. Perhaps there is a kind of familiarity amongst close friends that make it easy to catch up after so many years of losing touch. I remember we were such a tight bunch back in JC 10 years ago. So much so that even though I was just about the most active in church back then as I ever was, I still considered myself a lot closer to my class than to tuanqi. There was a sense of looking out for each other in the class that never was around in tuanqi. And I guess it was there that I first understood what a close community can do to each individual, and was something that I tried to bring into my own circle of friends wherever I go.

So there we were, sitting around the table, eating more than was good for any of us, and asking each other everything from jobs to partners, to rumours we heard of each other, and laughing at each other as we reminisced abt the past. This was the first gathering we’ve planned in a long time already. Each time we met up previously, it was always for a funeral. For a while it was really scary, as our parents and grandparents seemed to be dropping like flies. (And maybe that’s why we were more at ease this time round. Somehow I never knew whether or not to just keep quite and keep funeral visitations short, so as not to seem as if we’re behaving inappropriately when we start laughing.)

I think friendship can be such a curious thing. The closest friends can grow so distant at a moments’ notice, either through neglect of each other, or after a falling out. Two strangers can become best of friends after a shared experience or encounter. Two people who looked like they could be best of friends might lost touch within a few years, while other friendships which looked so unlikely are still going strong decades later. Nobody really knows how it works, and despite our best of intentions and promises to keep a friend, they draw distant after a while. Some friends we intended to slowly allow to drift away, yet they ended up being here to stay.

I remember back in JC, we used to celebrate Valentines’ Day by calling it “Friendship Day”. Ironic that as I’m using this blog to countdown to V-Day, I shd suddenly be reverting back to celebrating friendship, and what it means to me. Friends are so important to me. I’m definitely not the sort who could just be alone and content. Some time not too long ago I was feeling really lousy, and tried to ask some people out. Turns out nobody had time, and I was thinking to myself how these are the moments when I wish I had someone in my life whom I had a ‘claim’ over, that someone whom I could impose on because I needed someone to talk to. I went home and told myself maybe that’s why I’ll always be alone. Because I had such a person in Grace, but we never really could talk. And whenever I become close friends with someone I can talk to, I don’t dare to risk the friendship by trying to turn it into something else.

But ah well.

At least for tonight, I started it by dreading the meet-up, and ended it by being really glad I showed up. And perhaps that sums up how unpredictable friendships can be. And also how much it needs to be cherished when one possesses it.

I remember we were sitting around, playing and singing this song one night after we left SAJC, and it struck me that the line “And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives. Where we're gonna be when we turn 25”, and how it used to be something we looked at as a future that wouldn’t happen for a long long time… and now its something we look back on, having passed the 25 yr mark some time back.

Sigh.

So tonight… just for old times’ sake… I’m putting this song up.

Grins.

I really think the best years of my life were the 2 years in SAJC.

"The more I see of the world, the more I am dissatisfied with it; and everyday confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of either merit or sense."

- Elizabeth Bennet, Pride & Prejudice

The Truman Blog

I just learnt today that Der Biao actually links my blog to his. That could go some way to explain why people I never expected to even know I have a blog have actually been visiting it. Heck, I didn’t even know he has it.

Not that I’m mad at him, after all the damage was done a long time ago… but wasn’t there a time when people would ask before they read something of yours that they didn’t give you themselves? If you found a notebook of mine, I’d say common courtesy would prompt you to not read what’s inside without my permission. Am I missing a point here, or does the fact that it’s the internet indicate that its automatically public domain, and therefore a place devoid of any sense of good manners?

But ah well. That’s all water under the bridge I guess. People are free and welcome to read from here, when they really have nothing better to do with their time. I only mentioned it here, because it suddenly hit me that this must be how Truman felt, not realizing that his thoughts, his secrets and his life, that were originally intended to be shared by only a close circle, have actually always been paraded around in the public, for one and all to peruse.

Must have been a shocker.

The last few days have been an over-saturation of studying. I guess I’m a little paranoid all of a sudden, that I’m really not going to make the cut. These are days when I really wish I had never been born at all.

Had dinner with Paul today, and we were talking abt relationships. I raised the topic, actually. About how I don’t believe in entering relationships and living for the moment. I always like to look at it from the long-term prospective right from the start. And I think I’m right to do that. He told me that’s probably why I’m finding it almost impossible to find another girl, because I never live for the moment, but is always somewhere else. He’s probably right too. Maybe that’s why I always guard so strongly against any impulse to get back with Grace, while Paul time and again end up being together with Joz. There are many who would say that Paul’s the one who’s getting more out of life, living the different emotions and experiences that we should all be having if we are truly to be considered living – joy, angst, loneliness, contentment… etc.

Me? I’m too busy playing dead. Paul’s pretty obvious when he’s going ga-ga over someone. And he’s fine with it. But I’m too afraid of letting anything show, and so I go out of the way to maintain appearances of impartiality amongst my friends, that non might ever discern where my own heart truly lies.

All the above is just a really really big loop to say what a rude shock it was for me to find my blog linked to Der Biao’s. For someone who has always been so eager to mask and hide my thoughts – every exposure, or the realization of the exposure of things I thought had been hidden, is a pretty big jolt to me. And an unpleasant one it is too.

Leaves me with about three options to consider.

First, to close down this blog that has become too public for my own liking already. It forces me to either risk people whom I’d rather not read the material within to come across it, or else to reduce this place to mere superficial thoughts of mine. (NOT, that its actually been very deep, actually… Hehz…)

Second, to take the risk and let this be a place where people can come to know a little more about me, an avenue in which aids me in opening up to people, which I’m by nature not very willing to volunteer. But it means I need to moderate my content, and not unknowingly offend some people, or stumble others.

Third, to change the nature of this blog into something else. Either of trivia, as a public diary of what’s going on in my life, as a collection of things I read that I liked… something along those lines.

Sigh.

I hate it when I have to make a decision whether or not to change things from the way it was. I’ve always liked status quo.

Valentines' Countdown

I found this on a website called PostSecret. And yes, I think on some days this seems to be what crosses my mind.

Hehz...

PostSecret is supposed to be a collection of postcards sent in by people. I guess it never ceases to amaze me at how what we ourselves think to be such a shameful secret could actually be a sentiment echoed by so many all over the planet.

What's Going On

Yesterday at the core group meeting in church, we sang one of my favorite songs, 若非耶和华. There’s one line in it that especially catches me, that never fails to move me every time I sing it. It says “我所需要持守的只是一颗心。一颗完全相信的，坚定依靠的心。”

I mentioned it here because I seem to be going through another season in my life where I’m left to ask where God is in my life, in the midst of all that I’m going through and feeling. I’ve started to read a lot more, I’ve started to pray more, and generally I’ve been more sensitive to God in my everyday activities. All of these are things I will do when I’m seeking and searching. And God had just spoken to me on my way to church, reminding me of an old lesson I had learnt a long time ago… that seasons of bountifulness and abundance are times to be doing more than giving thanks… but times to be storing up and saving. Storing up and saving my experiences and lessons of God’s faithfulness and preservation. To look to God for His faithfulness during the dry spells would usually be a fruitless search. Maybe that’s why so many fail to find Him, cos they’re searching in the wrong place. My convictions of His goodness need to have been established long before my dry spells kick in, so that I have a well to draw from when the water runs dry.

And so the song really added a real punch to what I had just been thinking of, that as long as I don’t forget His faithfulness and His goodness, then all I need to do in season and out of season, is guard my heart – guard it to trust unquestioningly in one thing – that He is good, that His character is beyond doubt. Same idea behind the song “Trust His Heart”, I guess.

I’m beginning to feel the strain of ministry kick in. With a greater onus on me now to help out in cell group, pressure on me to do something abt CK’s cell group, new things added to the responsibilities of the Levite Ministry, and also things I always wanted to try a hand at in church… I think we’re all so so tired. And today it was such a bummer to find our laptop stolen from the cupboard. It’s a brand new laptop we had just purchased to be used in the chapel. One of us probably forgot to lock the cupboard, and this morning we found the laptop missing.

The strain on Henry and Bernice are also starting to be more and more tangible, and they seem to have lost a lot of the spark that they used to have, that I looked to so much when I was going through my rough patch. Now I feel an obligation, like its my turn somewhat, to try and be a spark to them. But its never been a strength of mine, and I can only commiserate with how they feel, and pray for them. Admittedly worship is still doing pretty well. I’ve been asking around, and generally feedback is pretty positive. So perhaps its just me, perhaps things aren’t as bad as they seem.

Ah well. The song couldn’t have come at a better time I guess.

Cell had our New Yr’s Party today. The turnout was pretty good, and the food was excessive, to say the least. Hehz… I had a good time catching up with Florence and John, then with Huilin and Rulin. Its really the season of old friends now, with Mag, Jean, Kok San also again coming into the radar, amongst quite a few others.

Ironic, since I’ve been pulling myself away from people. No longer updating myself on what’s going on in their lives, not following up with those around me on what’s been going on with them in their lives. I used to fight it when I feel my friends are slipping from me. Lately I’ve been happy to let them drift off.

Don’t ask me why. Maybe I’m really tired.

Ah well. Moving on to happier thoughts…

8th Feb 2006.
The day I get to take off that irritating P-plate, and be a real driver. Where I no longer need to be bullied on the roads, where other drivers will have to give me the R-E-S-P-E-C-T that I deserve.

Grins.

I found a really nice pizza place last night, having dinner with Henry and Simon.

I’m still savouring Pride and Prejudice, and the resonances that it set off in me everytime I go through it.

Up next on my blog will be a countdown to Valentine’s Day. If Fiona doesn’t ask me out by then, and nothing happens, I shall tell myself to just give up on the idea. And I’ll start by getting a dog. I’ve never told anyone how much I still miss my dog. 4 years after he died, I still have (although very very seldom) dreams about him, and I’ll wake up with a wet pillow.









Shit. I said “happier thoughts”, didn’t’ I?

Guess I really don’t have what it takes to be a sparky.

Revisiting Pride & Prejudice

I just finished watching the "Pride and Prejudice" mini-series by BBC… and I think both this and the movie have been nothing short of extraordinary. I mean, I’ve always loved the story. But I guess putting book to script has constantly been a challenge which few have stood up to. Movie adaptations have invariably been criticized for not being as good as the book itself, but I think both productions have turned out to be exceedingly astonishing.

Of course, ten days or so away from Valentines’ Day means that it is just about the worst possible time to be watching a movie that waxes at length about love, and the pursuit of it. But I guess one thing about growing up in time is that you start focusing on different themes that the book addresses. It used to be that I fixated on the romantic and lofty ideals that Lizzie expounded on, and the reward that awaited her who held out against all hope for true love, and who ended up being richly rewarded for her resolve.

Or perhaps its because the mini-series had the time to develop the plot a lot more finely than the movie did, that my attention was called to something else other than the general theme of relationships. Because I couldn’t help but take note of how one of the most endearing traits of the two sisters, Jane and Lizzie, were their ability to place their family above their own happiness. Everyone else from Lydia to Kitty and even Mrs Bennett sought their own personal happiness at the expense of their family’s, and so even though they were never reproached for their conduct save Lydia, there was hardly anything there worthy of note abt their behavior as well. In fact, the series did a very good job of balancing the different characters, while at the same time making it obvious that the only two persons who displayed any form of maturity at all was Jane and Lizzie.

This mini-series actually does a lot more credit to Jane than the movie did, showing how her kindness of nature was one of the greatest strengths that Lizzie depended upon, and which was what enabled them to support each other as they assumed responsibility to hold the family in place when everyone else lacked the same consideration. Austen was someone who felt very strongly abt the repression of women in her era, and how they were so often at the complete mercy of a good match to secure their own futures. Yet she also very clearly set down what she thought were traits that a sensible woman ought to have, that entailed a legitimate attempt to fight for their futures.

Possibly it is the male chauvinist in me who read too much into this, but I couldn’t help but detect the faint note of reproach that Austen had for the silly ways in which the girls did everything possible to scrap for their own wishes, even Charlotte’s, who admitted that she married for stability and security. It would appear that for Austen, the selflessness of Jane and Lizzie was what set them apart from everyone else, even as they too harbored hopes of finding a partner. They had the maturity to see that the family was tied to anything they did, and so displayed a greater responsibility than even Mr Bennett.

With so much more now that I had to do in the family since my sister is married, this has been a year for me to learn more abt what entails the responsibilities of being a member of the family. I confess I have been overwhelmingly pampered all 26 years of my life so far, without too much involvement in even the household responsibilities, which would constitute the least of what I ought to be contributing to the family. Learning to set aside my personal moods to give my parents the attention that my sis used to is already proving to be a real challenge. I used to close the door to my room and wallow in my own moodiness and broodiness, but now whatever may be going through my head and my heart, I need to set it aside and be there for my parents, at lunch or dinner, engaging them in conversation and getting them to do things to occupy their time.

It also means taking up my bandwidth I used to devote to caring for friends, since I now need to take a much greater active interest in the daily activities of my parents. They will need reminders of their appointments, they will need help to make arrangements, and in the event that they have a pretty free week I need to conjure up activities for them to occupy themselves with. It means less time to catch up with people, and less time to do things for them. One of the silver linings is that it also means I don’t have as much time as I used to have, to indulge in my obsessions with my Fiona, but forces me to engage my time in a much more constructive manner.

But there you go. Family has suddenly become very much something in my life. Ironic that it took me all of 27 years to get here, and to remember that I actually DO owe them my first priority, loyalty and obligation. Hehz… her self-sacrificing nature has suddenly been a much more attractive trait of Lizzie than her romantic ideals. Imagine that! Perhaps I’m growing up and losing my foolish romantic ideals. Perhaps I’m maturing a little more to appreciate more to virtue than what I used to think.

Or perhaps I’ll wake up tomorrow to find out that I’ve once again reverted back to the same silliness and foolishness that I’ve always had. After all, some of my friends can’t seem to stop harping on V-Day. Its gonna be my third year going without a date. So the more they harp on it, the more it actually does get to me. And yes, it sucks.

Ah well. I guess there’s always room for hope that Fiona would actually call me and ask me out for dinner.

Tee hee.

I’m reading “The Bell Jar” by Sylvia Plath, and am absolutely charmed by it. Yes, Paul gave it to me almost 2 yrs ago and its taken me until now to read it. But it is a fascinating read, also a feminist novel, but very well narrated. Depressing book, nonetheless. Which only serves to even further aggravate my recent disposition. Perhaps I do sound a little more glum recently. Diana even called me to check in on me tonight. Hehz…

I’m fine, I guess. I’ll survive. Well all cope differently. I do so by letting it out somewhere. Once I get it out, I feel better. This blog was meant to be such a place, so even though it seems to have entered the public domain despite it starting out as quite the opposite, I shall not give it up as such. It still remains the place I go to when I need to feel better. So if I always sound moody and depressed, and always repeat the same things here, that’s because that’s what this blog was meant to be in the first place. So dun be worried for me, guys, when it seems I’m always having blue days according to these blog entries. The title “Just Once In a BLUE Moon” was meant to be a pun.

Cool eh?

Grins.

Bet no one got that.

Memoirs Of A Geisha

Caught Memoirs Of A Geisha today. Was supposed to watch it 2 weeks back, but it kept getting put back. Decided to catch it before the procrastination results in missing the show altogether. I liked it. And I don’t mean Zhang Ziyi baring a lot of skin. I actually think Gong Li looks so much better.

But this post isn't about the show.

A lot of the dialogue resounded in me. Like the part where the chairman tells her something like “We weren’t supposed to be happy. Every moment of happiness we have is a momentary surprise that we enjoy, then leave behind us.” For me, whom Diana describes as being someone “whose blog reeks with so much sadness and resignation sometimes”, that line really struck a chord with me.

Its been a thought that has been resounding in my head for some time now. I guess we all have a picture in our heads, of how things would be perfect. Not just for ourselves, but for everyone around us. We’d have some sort of order in mind… of who would end up with who, what role each of our friends would play in relation to each other, who ought to have a say in whose life… that sort of thing. Then we look around us, and we say…

“If only…”

“If only this was what happened, then it would mean I would be here and he would be there and then everything would have turned out fine. If only she was this and I was that, then everything would be fine. If only they could this then we could that. If only…”

So maybe the chairman was right. We weren’t meant to be happy. Too many things in our lives turn out to be an “if only”. Too many things in our lives don’t even turn out to be anything at all, as a matter of fact. Happiness is something elusive, that we catch a glimpse of on occasions, that keep us somehow believing that it does exist, even if only for the briefest of moments. So whether it’s a love gone bad, a future turned sour, was inevitable that it had to come to an end. Someone recently quoted on his own blog a recent entry of mine – “When you find something so beautiful that isn't meant to be yours, how do you ever let it go?”

And he’s right when he responded by saying that it’s a really painful question to ask.

Perhaps the answer lies in what the chairman says. You just have to treat it as a momentary surprise, enjoy it then let go. Life is about a compromise. Seldom do things ever turn out exactly the way you’d have wanted. So even though you hoped for more, if a friendship with someone you love is all she’s willing to offer, you take it gratefully, and slowly learn to bury your hopes. If someone else’s future is his for the taking, you put aside the envy and be happy for him, thanking God that at least someone made it to where you had hoped to go.

I used to think that ‘compromise’ was such an ugly word.

I’m not so sure about that anymore. Sometimes it seems to be the only way out.

Keeping With Fashion

There's been a rash of poetry on several of the blogs I go to now and then, so I decided to keep in fashion, and put down something I wrote not too long ago.

Grins.

Try not to damage my ego too much after reading it.


Buried Love
Bury love for it is dead
Nevermore to raise its head
“Asleep, not dead” is what they said
Believe I did
And a mockery of me it made

She raised a broken heart
Unknowingly
Then let it down
And shattered it
Into a million pieces
More than it was before

All unknowingly
And unkown to her

You’ll never love
Like I do you
You’ll never know
The things I do
You’ll never see
The devotion I subdue

All that remains
The remnants of an affection
Buried forever
In my heart

New Year Again

So Chinese New Year is finally here. Everyone seems to be happier this year, for some reason. Much more than last year. Yet this year ironically, CNY didn’t really mean that much to me. And I’m not sure why also. It was just another date marked out on the calendar. Its not that I’m depressed, its not that things aren’t going well… It just wasn’t something that terribly excited me. Mebbe its cos I was down with a really bad flu and sore throat, and was still feverish.

Nevertheless, my family had our traditional reunion dinner where I gorged myself silly on the steamboat. It used to be that I would eat with all my kid cousins while my sis ate with the adults. Something abt how I’m always just a kid, and all my cousins absolutely adored me. But this yr things have changed. My sis was at Joe’s family, and my kid cousins have more or less all grown up. The oldest is studying medicine, the youngest just entered RJC. And I realized I started eating at that table when I was abt 14, when the tradition started of eating at my uncle’s place. I’m now 27, and I’m still eating with the kids. I guess I marked the transition between the generations in my family. Hehz… At least, that sounds better than saying that I haven’t grown up.

After that, out of sheer boredom, I touched a PS2 game controller for the first time in my life. Hehz… not since Nintendo almost 15 yrs ago, had I touched a game controller. And yes, they’ve really advanced so much. With a little less self-control, I can totally see why I’ll be immersed in it 15 hrs a day, like my fren was. But he’s still 19, serving his country, and has his whole life ahead of him to waste. I, on the other hand, do not.

Been seeing an awful lot of babies this new year. So much so that I start liking babies. A lot. On my father’s side of the family, I’m seeing some of the babies I used to hold 6 yrs ago, now prancing around the living room and making an absolute nuisance of themselves. Yet somehow there’s a kind of innocence abt them that makes it impossible for you to blame them for wanting to make every moment abt them, for wanting to draw all attention to themselves.

Yes, there will be a day when I want to be a dad. To go through all the heartache that I caused my own parents, to suffer the frustrations that the teenage years causes every parent, to go through the pain of letting go when my kids finally mature and grow up into their own man or woman. Its such a journey to look back and see how my friends and I have grown up over the years… imagine that joy multiplied a hundredfold when what you witness is your own son and daughter coming of age!

But it leaves me wondering what kindda dad I’d make. I am so out of touch with the current generation of kids, I think I’m never gonna be a cool dad. I’m actually really boring as a person, so I have a feeling my kids won’t exactly want to ask me along when he goes out with his friends. I’m not the most athletic guy around, so I guess unless my son turns out to be a wuss like me, I don’t have too much to offer him when it comes to giving advice on the whole Neanderthal practice of using brute strength and physical prowess to establish his status amongst his peers. In short, dammit, I’m turning out to be exactly like my own dad.

Depressing thoughts for a festive occasion indeed. Hehz…

But what I would like to do for my kids… that’s a totally different matter. I guess I’d love to be a dad who gives my children the space to make their mistakes. Whose first instinct is not to scold and correct, but to love and accept. The scolding always will come later on, but I guess I’d want my kids to know first and foremost that before the scolding comes, that he/she knows I love him/her. I’d love to be a dad whose kids hides everything from like all kids do, but whom they’ll know to turn to when something serious comes up, because they know they won’t feel like they’re on trial, but that the family is always there for them.

I say that because every visitation always reminds me why I sometimes hate the way we raise kids in Singapore. Spill something on the sofa, and the kids get screamed at, like the sofa’s worth a lot more than the kid’s sensitivities. Throw a tantrum and the kid gets scolded like the parents aren’t interested in what’s wrong with the kid, but is only interested in preserving ‘face’ in front of relatives and guests. I’ve had a family who’s willing to put up with some of my greatest failures and offered me nothing but their support. Yet on some of the more simple incidences in life, they’ve also been the first to put me down and make me feel like my opinion carries no weight because I can’t be trusted to do anything right.

But looking at all my other relatives, I’d say I have abt the best family culture there is. The whole understanding that no matter what disagreements we have amongst ourselves, we are always a family, and always will be. My sis and mom have ingrained that into me since I was a child. Meals together, trips overseas together, the compromising of ourselves for the welfare and consideration of each other… I guess more than anything else, that’s one thing I’d want for my family next time. I still have my silly run-ins with my sis, but I’ll always remember her falling out with Joseph for my sake because of something he did. I guess since then he kindda got the message that whoever else he might disregard, he’d better take my family seriously cos my sis places it first, and above anything else. Which works out great for me, since he’s always tried to be nice to me since then. Grins.

I guess its tradition around New Year time, to make resolutions. And one way of learning to eventually graduate to be head of the household, is by taking responsibility for the household I’m now in. Responsibilities that used to be my dad’s will have to slowly become mine, such as groceries shopping, starting to learn more abt the management of the assets of my family, doing my part in turn to keep in touch with my sis and keep the family together even tho we live under different roofs. I guess it can be a real chore. Cos it means less time for friends, for hanging out, for myself. But I slowly understand why my parents don’t really have a lot of friends like I do. Its because they had to give them up in order to have time for the family. And I learn a little more everyday about the sacrifices that they make, and the sacrifices I’d have to make now that I’m contributing to the family.

Growing up sucks sometimes. Don’t understand why so many kids are so eager to grow up. I’d love to stay the little pipsqueak that I have been for 25 yrs.

Grown ups are too complicated already. Between what they want, what they don’t want, and what they think they want, nobody really knows what’s really going on anymore. And these are the very people who run the world, and tell kids what they shd want!!

Hahahaha… This sucks.

I’ve been enchanted by this soundtrack from Finding Neverland. Absolutely magical. And I’m absolutely smitten. So much so that I’m putting out one of my fav numbers from that OST here on my blog.

Enjoy…

May we always find our Neverlands in our own hearts, and let it be a place we guard jealously, a place we can retreat to when things get too confusing and we don’t know what to do or where to go… we can go to Neverland.

=)

My Love Affair With Ally

I bought a set of Ally McBeal DVDs from Bangkok. I had forgotten how much I loved the show. And yet, looking at the show again… recollecting some of the sentiments that I had when I first watched it… it also brought on some new reactions of mine. For example, I remember when I first told Grace how I felt abt her almost 7 yrs ago, I did it with a letter, and I wanted her to watch an episode of Ally McBeal along with it, cos it expressed what back then I didn’t know how to frame into words, of the emotions that was going through my mind. I don’t really remember which episode it was, but I’m sure when I come across it I’ll remember it.

Ally McBeal always did romanticize the thoughts that continually haunt me. That at age thirty, I’d still find my life to be headed in no direction, except further and further away from what I had as a kid envisioned myself to be headed towards. And so it was with bittersweet feelings that I revisit the sentiments the show brought on. It remains the only comedy/drama series that invariably brings a tear to my eye by the end of the episode, something which made me so drawn to the series more than how funny it also was.

Another reason why I loved the show, I only realized on retrospect. They’re really big on theme songs. Every episode would feature Vonda Shepherd singing a different song, that would invariably suit the tone of what was going on. Each character was also very much into theme songs, which turns out has also become a bit of an obsession of mine. The songs on this blog aren’t there because of a whim. They represent either the things on my mind, or else the mood I’m going through. As they change, my song changes.

Tonight I came home and decided to watch through 4 episodes of the show, that took me through a discussion of believing in Santa Claus and fairy-tales of happily ever afters, to how people can change everything about them without ever really being able to change who they actually are, to how and why a baby can provoke such intense emotions in a person. I also realized I’ve missed Richard’s trademark “Fishism”, his nonsense philosophy that masks his fears, yet at one level something that actually works for him.

Naturally, I find myself asking which character would best personify me, and I think it turned out to be the emasculated office nerd, Billy – Ally’s ex. It’s a sad day when you realize you’d want to be the oddball John “the Biscuit” Cage, but end up being the office wuss. (I totally blame Paul, by the way…) But maybe that explains why the episode I love more than any other would be the one where Billy dies. Yes, and that in turn explains why I bought Season Three instead of Season One. Because I know the episode where he dies is in Season Three. And yes, I watched that episode right after I got back home, which was probably what triggered my post abt funerals and being remembered.

I really love the show. Its quirky, it somehow is able to express the many things I’m paranoid abt in ways that I would never be able to put down so succinctly, it makes me laugh and cry which in turns makes me feel I’m alive, and of course they place a very high premium on using songs to embody a mood or theme.

I just had my first friend ask me if I have a date for Valentines’ Day, and if we should have a Bachelors’ Night out. Dammit. Its that time of the year again. I told him I’d wait for a date. Anything on that night is better than being mistaken on the street for being the latest recruit of the Gay Losers’ Club. My own gay partner is on the verge of once again re-kindling old flames on a romantic tour of Bangkok, while at the same time struggling to be honest with a potential… erm… “Potential”(do they even have a term for it???). Of course, just to be absolutely safe, he even took the initiative to race after a girl to ask for her number, something that I’m so proud of him for.

Me? I’m thinking if I sit at home long enough, eventually someone’s gonna ask me out on a date.

Hehz…

If not, I’ll spend my romantic evening with Ally.

Grins.

Oh yeah, I heard some good news after coming back, which put me in a good mood. I might even be getting a treat out of it. So a happy song tonight it is.

Tee hee.

Back From Bangkok (part 2)

Its taken one day to re-adjust back to Singapore, and how life needs to go back to normal. By normal, I mean hectic. By hectic I mean mindless activity carried out at a pace that leaves no room for thought.

But I spare a moment here to recollect a little abt my trip.

Its been a while since my family spent time together on a trip. We’ve all been so busy we don’t even have meals together like we always used to anymore. So traveling once a year used to be what we set aside to spend quality time with each other. I remember trips way back, to nearby countries like Hongkong, China, Thailand, Indonesia, even Penang. Then we had the long ones like South Africa, Australia, Europe, and Hokkaido. This time round we went back again to Bangkok after more than ten years. The last time I was there I was still a really small kid. I still remember gazing at this old picture of my time there in utter horror, since it showed me being carried in the arms of an ah-kua. We had gone for one of those shows, and I swear my memory must have blocked out that traumatic incident to preserve my sanity. Yet there the photo served as evidence of my stolen innocence, and I swear it must have contributed in a big way to the fact that I’m now resigned to spending the rest of my life with a man.

But I digress.

Time spent with the family was great. We don’t do enough of that anymore. I watch movies that always show Florida as the retirement home for old folks whose children seem to be on another planet, and I think to myself I’m glad that doesn’t happen much in Singapore. After all, Ang Mo Kio and Jurong is still less than an hr’s travel away, unlike Florida and Texas. But the fact of the matter is, I still don’t spend as much time as I think I shd with my family. I always allow myself to schedule something that takes up the slot that says “go home for dinner”, telling myself that having worship practice or meeting up with a friend I haven’t seen in a while is more important. The fact usually only dawns on me later that I prob have spent more quality time with that friend than my family. That I spent more time trying to “build bonds of fellowship” with my ministry co-workers, and decided that bonds with my family can take a back-seat. So much so that I even resent it when my parents complain I spend too much time on church.

So the travel was good, taking time out to again get to know what kind of clothes my mom likes (the expensive ones), to what sort of food my dad likes (the oily and salty ones, other than the cheapest one), to what my sis looks at everytime she starts shopping (only the sale carts). It was fun also to just stand around on the public transport arguing abt what’s the best route to take, or the best plan for the day to explore as much as we can, making decisions as a family.

Thailand was actually pretty confusing for me. The people were all generally really friendly and mild, peace-loving and kind. I really liked the general tone of their culture. Singapore has much to learn from them abt the gentleness of spirit that a metropolitan-wannabe state like Singapore always seem to leave behind. Yet along with that are the ugly sides which are so obvious – Prostitution makes up ten percent of the country’s GDP, so I’m told. Piracy of all kinds is something they’re nationally known for, and its hard to look at just abt any woman and not wonder if she used to be a man.

The tele-network was pretty weird. I had a hard time trying to message people back in Singapore. First of all somehow I kept messaging the wrong people with the wrong messages, then there would be a network failure where messages couldn’t be sent through. I realize only now that my handphone actually stores these messages that fail and keep trying them at regular intervals till they get through. End result is that my friends complain they received abt 5 -7 of the same messages suddenly. My sis had the same problem, only worse. She couldn’t make any calls at all.

I started having a bad headache on the second day, which developed into a fever. Still, it was a short trip and I wasn’t gonna spend it stuck in a hotel bed. So I just took my panadols, and gamely went through the public transport system with my family in search of the best bargains around. And I arrived at one conclusion – my mom’s knee condition is just a scam to retire early. She walked for three days on end, through department stores and night markets, and not once did she complain of having knee pain. I, on the other hand, was limping by the third day. My left knee was in a pretty bad shape from not sitting down 14 hrs at a stretch for three consecutive days.

Still, we had our share of incidences with a con-gang who tried to convince us that there was a big sale going on in a government sanctioned retail outlet that was worth going for. The guy was real smooth, and that was what popped a red flag in my mind. Even my sis nearly fell for it, and the guy had already turned around to hail a cab for us to take us there, until I stepped in and told him we’ll go there on our own, and basically dismissed him. It was spooky, since its usually my sis who was the street savvy one. Still, its not often that I’m the sharp one who saved the day, so I guess I deserve my five minutes’ worth of fame as family super-hero that guarded me and my sister’s inheritance. Grins.

The traffic in Bangkok is scary. The cars leave a margin of only ten centimeters or less between each other, yet they managed to continue driving at speeds of up to 80km/h. No kidding. Them cab drivers are all amazing. And every trip works out to only abt 50 baht, which translates to 2 bucks here. Unbelievable! To think that the S’pore flag-down fare is already $2.40 to begin with!!!

There was also an incident where my sis decided to cancel a massage appt at the last min, only to have the guys come extort us for money. They tried calling our room repeatedly, after which they got the tour guide to tell us they wanted 300 baht. After that the tour guide tried to claim she would have to fork out the money herself if we don’t pay. This time round my sis stepped in when I didn’t know what to do. She demanded to see the guy’s name card, and told our tour guide she planned to make a formal complaint. The guide freaked out and didn’t talk about it anymore. Grins.

You know, I look back to something I posted earlier and I’m convinced I’m right. Money really does make the world go round. You become more attractive to those around you, you can get things done, and you tend to be a more accomplished man if you are rich. Of course, some would protest that being rich isn’t as important as being a nice guy. But I looked around me in Bangkok, and I see so many who are very nice people, being trampled by so many who make a living off treading on others. I guess being nice really isn’t enough.

Bangkok was quite an experience for me on the whole. It was the first time I was traveling on a non-guided tour, and it meant I needed to be more into it, unlike those trips where we just followed instructions, and waited for our arrival to find out where we had just reached, and what we are to see. And I think it was a good trip. After my sister’s marriage, it also helped my parents feel more relived that they didn’t lose their daughter, but that she’s still there.

Next trip March 31st, to Shanghai.

Grins.

Back From Bangkok

So I’m back from Bangkok, where its been an eventful trip, but otherwise absolutely boring shopping experience. My knee hurts like crazy and I’m having trouble walking properly cos we scoured three night markets over three nights, and spent the days wandering over all the departmental stores Bangkok has. We met a con team who tried to convince us to get into a taxi they hailed off the street to bring us to a store with big discounts, which my family almost went along till I pulled the plug on the guy. Can’t believe even my sis fell for it. Three people who consecutively walked up to us to “mention” how this store had great savings going on this weekend because of the Thai king celebrating his wedding anniversary. We had a disgruntled driver who tried to extort money from us cos of a cancelled appointment. We took a cab that felt as tho it was on a 500cc engine, yet somehow managed to maneuver its way through the traffic jam to plonk us at the heart of Chinatown.

Long rides on the cabs and bus also meant I had time on my hands to think abt myself. Abt my last entry, abt all my entries in fact. The plane ride wasn’t enough to cover a movie, so I didn’t want to be cut off before the show ends, so that meant more time to just sit and vegetate. And I was musing on something Paul said abt a common friend of ours. He said the problem with her is that she’s always second choice. That’s why she’s still single. That she’s not someone whom guys would fall all over to go after, but she’s someone else’s back-up plan. And while I protested that it wasn’t true then, I knew what he was getting at.

I knew, cos I’m like that too. There were days in the long long past when I knew girls in church had a crush on me, and there were friends outside whom I would have little problems asking out. Now the feeling I get is that most friends of mine would have something good to say abt me, but none would actually consider me as a “first choice”. At best I’m a back-up plan – if I’m ever in the equation, that is.

And that was a sucky realization to come to. Its not that I’m unwilling to grovel before the girl I’m crazy abt and beg her to take me in… Its just that I’d always have doubts abt the relationship knowing that it started as being so one-sided. I’ve been burnt once, and I guess its something I’ve learnt to avoid.

Another thing that was going through my mind was how I’ve watched three shows these past few days, where the funeral was a large part of it. And it left me wondering what sort of funeral would I have. I’ve written at least 3 eulogies abt my own life, as I pictured how it turned out and how it ended. But I started asking myself if there’s even gonna be someone who would end up doing my eulogy at all. Wondering how pple would remember me after I’m gone. I know I’ve done enough to be involved in many people’s lives to have them remember me, and for them to show up at my funeral. I guess except for my blog stalkers who otherwise don’t know me personally, I would expect almost all my readers here to actually show up, and to even mourn.

In the movies, the funerals ranged from big ones that involved a whole town, to a small one that basically was attended by the firm he worked at. Each one was a celebration where they told each other of the ways in which the person who passed away had been such a pillar of strength or support for him or her while alive, and it was a time to remember all the contributions he had made to their lives. I realized I’ve never been to such a funeral in my whole life. We remember the person as a friend, we pay our respects, then we sit down and we just play “catch-up” with each other. We shed a tear or two if its someone we know well, and we feel heavy-hearted because of the weight of sentiments that the reality thrust upon us – that we never got to know the person better, and spend more time with the person.

So it got me thinking abt what I’d have wanted for my funeral, beyond the ego trip it would have given me had I been able to witness the turnout. (Actually, mebbe its better that I won’t know. I might be absolutely crushed. Hehz…) Who would be there, why would they be there, what they would have said abt me, what they would have missed abt me… even the admission of the things that were irritating abt me. I’ve had a pretty polemic life, with friends’parents who adored me, and those that don’t trust me one bit. I’ve had friends who unexpectedly stuck by me through some really tough times, while I’ve had those who stuck a knife in my back when I least expected it. Friends who touched and shamed me with their concern when I had forgotten abt them, and friends whom I gave my all only for them to leave me hanging. I’ve had my moments when I’ve had girls who told me they liked me only for me to turn aside, and I’ve also been at the receiving end of the crushing realization that the girl I like doesn’t feel the same way abt me at all. I’ve received some really flattering compliments abt the things I’ve achieved, and also the ugly realizations of the even greater failures I’ve suffered in life.

I won’t say I’m someone who’s been through a lot in life since I know of so many who have so much less than me. I won’t say I’ve grown wiser from the things I went through because I know I failed to learn so many of the lessons. But I will say that I’ve already had more than enough memories to last me a lifetime. And I wonder how many of these will be shared memories after I’ve passed on and gone. How much of all these that mattered to me would mean anything to them, and how much of what meant a lot to them would have been all but forgotten by me.

And I guess its somehow so easy for me to get so raveled up in these thoughts of mine… musing and dreaming… reminiscing and recollecting… that I start to long for the day of my funeral… that I start looking forward to what lies ahead after I’ve passed away. Sadly, the greatest analogy for this to me would be the amusements I allow myself to harbor when I really like someone. I start to indulge in the hope that its possible. I indulge in the possible scenarios that would unfold. And I allow myself to start hoping so much that it hurts to not give it a try and tell her how I feel. And so the pain when I'm forced to admit to myself its always going to be one-sided, is only tempered by the relief that I never did actually tell her so.

That’s an experience that I’m well acquainted with. And its what makes me afraid my funeral would be one major let-down as well.

So there you have it. Death and love. Two things that I have absolutely no control over, but that leaves me very much fascinated with. Many people came up to me with the really crazy notion which I shall take as jest and being nice, that I should be a wedding planner. I would love to be one, actually, simply because I love weddings and what it stands for. After all, they say that those who can’t marry – plan. And the truth is, alongside that, I’d just as much like to be a funeral director… someone who helps people remember the life of a dearly beloved who has passed away, and to help them mourn when they don’t know how.

Ah well. There you go. Will post more abt Bangkok next time. Right now I can’t get these two thoughts out of my head.

And oh yes… one last thing.

Man Utd beat Liverpool 1-0. Last min goal by Ferdinand, of all people. Arsenal lost and Chelsea drew.

Yahoo.

Nice Guy No More...

You know how it is when you watch a show that mirrors something you are currently going through, it just heightens the emotions many times over? Or the other times when what you’re watching very much depicts what you very much desire, it stirs the longing in you tenfold?

I think for that reason alone, I really shd stop watching any shows with a romantic theme involved. Unfortunately, not being an action or horror movie fan leaves me with precious little alternatives. As such, sitting at home on a fri afternoon, running through my collection of downloaded stuff, it seems that any show I pick up will leave me either even more depressed, or else even more wistful. I just watched The Promise. Thank God I didn’t catch it at the cinema. Absolutely nonsense.

At least what’s true is that she still falls for the wrong guy despite the good guy doing everything for her, and this so even after she realizes the truth. This yr is barely 20 days old, and already I’ve seen 2 weddings and 2 breakups. 2 very very good breakups, I might add. Always felt that both girls had no idea why they were attracted to the guy in the first place, apart from how the boyfriends had enough money to make them very happy. At least for one of the weddings, I know it isn’t about money. Otherwise I think I’m just about ready to give up on love, and just go with money.

Lots and lots of money. It allows you be a nice guy, do lots of favours, buy all the right things for the girls, have the right resources to help the girls… and all she’ll see is that you’re a good guy, a nice guy. And of course, the subtle idea always forms in the mind, that the guy is either rich because he’s accomplished, or will become accomplished because he has the money to make things happen. So mebbe that’s the way to go, buddy. Maybe if Paul was driving a Porsche around, April would have been more willing to give him consideration. Or mebbe the rock-climbing chick would pay him more attention now. Grins. Perhaps even the 19 yr old. But hell, that’s too easy la. Maybe if I was filthy rich, Fiona would really be with me now, instead of with that rich ACS punk. Hehz…

They sure weren’t kidding abt how money makes the world go round. After all, just go compare the statistics of marriages that go bad when the money dried up, versus the marriages that turned bad when they still had money, and you’ll see.

I went to bed last night, and woke up 4 times with a really bad stomach. Thus my confinement at home today. Feeling kindda grouchy and moody. The thought of just changing myself into someone more mercenary came to my mind then, and the idea that perhaps love and happiness can be bought after all.

Being nice keeps you poor, keeps you single.

So there you go, folks. After Chinese New Year and after Valentines’ Day, being nice shall stop being a priority of mine. Its time for the “new me” to emerge. With any luck, I’ll make something of myself by the time I’m thirty, and then “true love” will come knocking.

Grins.

Save The Last Dance

Just finished watching “Save The Last Dance” by Julia Stiles. Man, she was unbelievable. Never knew she could really dance. I was actually in two minds abt watching it, but the show started with a tragedy, and so it got me hooked from the beginning. Now I can see why this show totally beat Tom Hank’s “Cast Away” to be the top movie over two weekends at the box office after they premiered at the same time. A story of a white chick who goes into a black neighbourhood and manages to make something of herself is usually something that is seen by the whites and dissed by the blacks. So I guess it speaks for itself when blacks were thronging to catch the show, and it speaks volumes of the talent that Stiles has. I still don’t think she’s the most subtle of actresses, but she makes it up with something that is very uniquely her, that comes across as being very genuine.

That aside, I got to spend a couple of hours over two nights at the park in the last two days. Have been spending quite a bit of time in prayer, as well as reading the bible. Its been a good start of the year for me… which makes me a little jittery… quiet peaceful moments in my life have always been followed by absolute chaos and trouble. But for now, I’m enjoying what I can.

I got to finally meet up with Magdalene, my JC classmate whom I’ve not met up with for 7 yrs now. But she’s the one who would faithfully send me a birthday card every year all the way from London where she spent the last 5 yrs studying, and she still calls me “angel”, a reference to the angel/mortal game we played at orientation, where she was my “mortal”. I remember what made it memorable was how she was absent from sch for the first 2 weeks cos she had chicken pox, so we only got to do the whole angel/mortal thing after everyone already knew who theirs was.

Was pretty disappointed to learn that after she broke up with her ex, she’s stopped attending church, and hasn’t down so since then. After all, I remember being so pleasantly surprised to hear her talk abt her struggles to keep attending church when she was there in London. It was only then that I learnt she had accepted Christ. So as we were recounting to each other abt how we’ve been since we left SAJC, we realized that all of us have really moved on. We’ve all changed so much. She shared that after 2A4, life has really been pretty lonely for her, with hardly anyone she can trust and confide in. And I shared with her before I left that one of the things that really worked for me was how in church I’ve had the privilege of sharing my life with a group of friends that I call family, who shares the same passions as I do, and who is there for each other despite changes to ours jobs, our ambitions, our partners, our looks… the whole lot.

We also talked abt the same thing Paul and I were just discussing the night before, that we’ve all now reached the “late twenties” category, which is actually really depressing. Never in the first 21 yrs of my life would I have imagined that in my late twenties I’d be without a degree, without a job, and without someone to call my own. Yet here I am now. You know, I’d really feel like the loser from “A Lot Like Love”, if not for the fact that even he managed to graduate, and there was actually someone in his life who loved him.

So there I was in the park, talking to God, asking Him – telling Him, actually, just how I feel abt the ways things have turned out… how time can never be redeemed, how regrets will always be here to stay, how bad things have this uncanny habit of snowballing while good things tend to happen only to be very hard to build upon… I guess I wasn’t looking for an answer from Him… that’s gotta come from me, in how I decide to move on and make something of the remaining years He still has in store for me. But it felt good to be in the park, praying, and somehow feeling that He’s listening… that He’s really listening.

I’m beginning to understand just why so many people live by the cliché that the less time you have to get things done, the more time you need to spend on prayer. Its one of the biggest mysteries in the world, but its really true, and you will never learn how true unless you actually give it a try. Its like how someone can explain the theory of buoyancy to you, so that even tho it instinctively doesn’t make sense that keeping still will help you float you still end up accepting it to be true… but until you go into the water and then force yourself to keep still so that you come up, it remains something you believe in, but never experienced.

I’m looking forward to the Bangkok trip. A couple of days away from Singapore means a couple of days away from the things that I can’t let go of.

Happiness & Tears

You know how there are days when you hear good news and you’re happy for the friends who told you about it? And then there are days when the good news actually spills over to yourself, so that you don’t just feel happy for the person, but is actually happy?

Well, its one of those occasions now, seeing Xianghui and Lishan tie the knot. With so many parents that I see whose marriages end up sterile and flat, while maintaining a façade of bliss and joy… I begin to see why this generation of youth places so little faith in marriage. Which would explain why so many couples just live-in together, and just not take the next step into a commitment. After all, beyond the mere hollow and empty rhetoric of what marriage actually symbolizes, many of those who preach the values of marriage are themselves in a pretty lifeless and even loveless one.

So it is that I seldom attend weddings without having a few question marks of my own about the couple, that does leave me wondering if theirs is going to be a happily-ever-after. But Xianghui and Lishan are two people for whom I really feel very safe about, and very happy for. I guess in a way, it is selfishness that prompted my happiness at their marriage, cos it tells me that a successful relationship still happens once in a blue moon, where two people in a stable relationship would marry one another even tho financially they’re on pretty dangerous ground.

I dunno. I find it sweet, even romantic, that two people would want to commit to each other for the rest of their lives, and be willing to tough it out together. 9 out of 10 couples treat money as a must-have insurance to ensure their marriage is stable… then claim its not about money but abt love. Then they wonder why the marriage falls apart when the money runs dry.

Grins.

That aside, I think I’ve really had a pretty good week. Been feeling lighter. I’ve learnt that if you want to cry and not let anyone in the house know it, showering is the perfect place to do so.

And no, its not been a week of sobbing, or emotional despair. But just a week where I’ve been more able to let go and not control myself so much. So be it when I’m praying, when I’m reading a book and something moved me, watching a show and something struck me, or else just my usual despairing self at all other times, I’ve been able to let go and not hold back.

I remember saying to someone just within a couple of months ago, that I can’t remember the last time I let myself go, and cry when I want to. Just as the natural instinct is to flinch away from a hot flame when coming into contact with it, so it seems that emotionally I’ve conditioned myself to flinch away from any instance when I think I’m going to break down. I seem to react before I even realize I’m doing it, just hardening myself before I start to cry, my brain turns away from the theme and think of something more passive and neutral, and I only return to it after I’ve gotten a firmer grip on my emotions.

I don’t know what made me turn into that. What made me so afraid to feel, what made me so afraid to let go and be myself, what made me repress myself, and suppress my emotions so.

And that probably explains also why I always look so stiff on stage. People always complain that I murmur and talk too soft, and I always feel so uncomfortable up there. Mebbe I’m just trying too hard.

But of course, just when things seem to go well, Man Utd had to crash to a 3-1 defeat against Man City.

Dammit.

Well, now that the wedding is over, its time to really really settle down and do some serious studying already. I’ll be flying off this fri to Bangkok, back on Monday late afternoon. After which I’ll be rushing down to attend my night classes again.

I think on my tombstone, I’ll want to just have two words on if – “If only…”

Lost.

I was feeling a little down this evening. Mebbe too much stuff caught up with me, and the news that Lishan and Xianghui aren't doing well sorta inspired my vicarious instincts... I dunno.

And its a rotten mood to be in when you're struggling to put together a wedding video.

I started at midnight, and have now watched 2 romantic movies already, struggling to find the inspiration to put together something sweet... but just can't find it in me.

This sucks.

I sat down and decided to blog. And I guess a lotta thoughts started to sweep past me as I wondered what else to commit to the records of my sad state of existence, and all of a sudden my mind goes blank.

Just the one question that keeps coming back to me when I try to sleep -

"When you find something so beautiful that isn't meant to be yours, how do you ever let it go?"

I'm so glad after talking to Pam a couple of times this week, that Xianghui and Lishan found each other, because they're one of the few couples I have no doubts at all about, but over the course of 7 years is absolutely convinced that they're a rare couple who were lucky enough to have found someone beautiful in each others' eyes, and was theirs to keep.

Congrats, you guys.

I really hope I don't mess up your wedding.

Happy Birthday, dear sister...

The Birthday Song
Don't worry about that extra line
That's creeping up upon your face
It's just a part of nature's way
To say you've grown a little more
Trees have rings and thicker branches
Kids shoes get a little tighter
Every year we're getting closer
To who we're gonna be
It's time to celebrate the story
Of how you've come to be

Happy Birthday, my friend
Here's to all the years
We've shared together
All the fun we've had
You're such a blessing
Such a joy in my life
May the good Lord bless you
And may all your dreams come true

So light a candle on your cake
For every smile you've helped create
For every heart and every soul
You've helped to grow a little more
A few more pounds
A little more grey
Dont count the years
Just count the way
It takes a little time to go
From water into wine
Don’t ever lose the wonder
Of that child within your eyes

- Corrine May

Awake... Once Again

Haven’t been able to sleep for a couple of weeks now. Tonight I decided to take a walk around my neighbourhood, and just get out of the house.

I think I’ve never taken the time to appreciate my neighbourhood. Aside from the dogs that bark (not many are awake at 2:30am, but some are pretty sharp still…), it’s a really good night for a night stroll, and just think to myself about things people have been saying to me of late, and to basically just indulge in the thoughts that just never seem to go away anyway.

I once heard it said that “Sometimes if all you have is old words, all you can do is put them together and hope they say something new.” And I think that very much sums up the essence of my thoughts everytime I take time out to reflect.

Simon told me that after 12 yrs, he figured out just how much I’m a guy who likes to live in the past. And I guess that’s true.

But part of me feels that I’m not just living in the past. Its just that the past is where I like to re-visit, cos back then I had a bright future, I had someone who loved me, I had big dreams. The things that I thought was good, and that should have therefore lasted forever. Growing up has this nasty habit of slowly taking these things away one by one, leaving me with the feeling that I am just a hollow shell now, once filled with something that mattered. Going back to the past is not borne out of the desire to recover the way things were, but because those times embodied something greater that I am searching for.

We celebrated Xianghui’s bachelor’s party last night, and tonight we celebrated Serene’s birthday. Two people in my life whom I do not tell them enough how much they mean to me. The news that Xianghui is going away again perhaps hit me harder than I realized. But chatting with Pamela this afternoon, and talking abt Xianghui made me realize that friends like him are really so hard to come by now, and are like treasures you need to always preserve.

Ironic that the same lesson shd have been said out loud by Serene’s mom when she told the whole group of us that we shd learn to cherish one another, cos so many of us are growing up so fast and moving on.

Weixiu gave me a diary this X’mas, and I guess it was a really good idea in the sense that with this pretty much becoming a public blog, my need to still vent some of my most private thoughts and obsessions can now be met. But with my room still in the process of a cleanup, I’m actually pretty paranoid now abt misplacing it, given the nature of its contents. I guess I’m really not used to a diary after all these years without one.

I need to sleep. But with all the nightmares that keep coming everytime I fall asleep, I have my moments of irrationality where I just don’t want to, and don’t dare to.

My Vicarious Existence

I think its been a good week for me in many ways.

I think its not been a happy happy week, but its been a peaceful and relatively calm week. And I guess I've learnt to give thanks for that.

It seems the older you get, the more you start realising just how many more faults you've always had, which your friends who love you have all patiently been overlooking all these years. And it always leaves you sheepish and amazed. Sheepish at the realization of how you've never realized just how terrible you have been even as you proudly proclaimed how offensive others have been. Amazed at the level of tolerance that has been granted you by so many, without so much as a snide remark.

So much for "I know better"...

Hehz...

I've had pockets of space this week to do some reflections on my life this week, and I guess it threw out some of the same old stuff that just reminds me of my previous post. How perhaps I need to take care of these things first, before I can hear God speaking to me abt other things in my life, before He'll allow me to move on in my life.

I need to stop living my life vicariously. I guess part of my lack of ambition has always been my habit of just indulging in the life of others, and somehow being able to treat their experience as mine. In church, I'm content to always just sit back and direct from the back, giving feedback to the leaders and my own two cents'. I'm happy to do the lesser and more "meaningless" stuff, leaving the "big jobs" to others. I don't think I'm being lazy since I always end up taking a lot of things up, but I'd much rather be a leader in a different sense of the obvious one. My greatest "ambition" in life remains being a house-husband, my friends will be stupefied to learn. Yes, I'm the one who would be glad to stay home, do the house and look after the kids. I'd be glad to see my wife up the corporate ladder, and help her with her work... as long as it means I get to be the supporting role, instead of the lead. And on the topic of a wife, that probably remains hypothetical since I remain the person who probably won't really act on my emotions unless very very firmly prodded. I’d tell myself that since my affections are one-sided, I'd much rather just settle for seeing her happy with the person she finds, and be glad for her.

Shit man.

I’m spending way too much time with Paul.

Worse is how I’m picking up all his bad traits, and only picking up his bad traits.

I’m becoming the ultimate wuss, and I have even less ambition than him!!!

Ok, so mebbe it really ain’t abt me living vicariously. Its abt me being lazy and a wuss.

I’ve had a lot of pple come up to tell me how much they liked the song I posted up a while ago, 痴心绝对, and yes, thank you for the feedback. Its my fav song too. Am thinking of putting it down as my new ringtone, except that I no longer have the software to cut out the chorus and use it.

Grins.

Its kind of like my theme song right now…

Man Utd just signed two defenders, the first signings I’ve really approved of since Rooney. I’ve been harping on their need for defenders for just about the longest time already. Silvestre and Ferdinand together in the middle is like putting me and Paul in Manhunt 2006. Absolute disaster.

Xianghui’s wedding is next weekend. With the terrorist threat exercise likely to coming up over that weekend, its yet one more worry to pile on him. On my part I’m so swamped with the need to do the bachelor’s party, rehearse for the wedding rehearsal where I’m leading worship, think abt what to put into the video I need to film and put together, and work on the script with Pamela where we’re co-emceeing the dinner, I think I need to rest more when I can. This upcoming week is gonna be crazy.

Which, in a way is good.

I need to get my mind off myself. That way I stop moping and feeling sorry for myself, something I’m doing too much of.

Oh yes. One last thing. By virtue of her emotional blackmail, (hehz…) I hereby wonder how Diana is doing back in Australia. Or is it the States?

Ah well.

Bwahahahahahaha….

(Hey, I read your blog, and in response I’m at least sounding chirpier already. Grins.)

Love, And 2006

I finally caught "A Lot Like love". A show that I always wanted to see when I first saw the trailers showing it in the cinemas. A show that I ended up missing through sheer procrastination. A show that I caught only half a year later at Weixiu’s house, a show that I completed in my own house, a day after.

It’s a very Serendipity-esque kind of show, catered to a hopeless romantic like me. The storyline is of two people, meant for each other, who keeps missing out on the opportunity to end up together. Either they’ve rushed into a commitment with someone else, or the timing just made getting together impossible… even the part where they started out without realizing how much they’re made for each other…

Point is, they never seem to be able to find each other, and get together.

I guess shows like this gives me hope. Hope that its just a matter of time before the one for me finds me, and I find her. Hope that its just a matter of time before she comes to realize I can be the one for her. Hope that one day this sad, sad act of mine can finally come to an end. Hope that my waiting will ultimately bear fruit, instead of dying with the knowledge that my romantic ideals ended in utter and abject failure and disappointment.

I liked it, actually. The show. It was a silly show, all in all… almost an indie flick in some ways… but I guess it was sweet… and like I said… I always had good vibes abt shows like this. I guess I’m never the sort to go for a straightforward romance. I believe that something worthwhile cannot possibly come by so easily. So unless it has come through fire and brimstone, through death and hell, I can’t possibly have found a romance that is worth dying for. And so I keep waiting for my dramatic turn of events that is ultimately supposed to culminate in my saying “I do”.

That aside, the new year has been a pretty quiet one. With still some things that I have yet to take care of, I started the year as I always do – in deficit. I’m still taking care of things I shd have settled last year, like cleaning my room, like finish reading all three books that I started yet never seemed likely to complete, like writing my New Year cards to people I was supposed to write Christmas cards for, like sorting out some things for the Levite Ministry…

The list goes on.

Just on Sunday, I was thinking to myself why does every year feel like the last one, and the one before? Why do I never seem to be moving on? Why does God seem to continually remain silent, when I’m crying out to Him again and again over a few things in my life? Why does He never seem to speak, or intervene? I spent the last week before the new year pretty much holing myself in, to take out for myself to think abt things, and sort my mind out… and on Sunday a thought suddenly struck me, totally out of the blue. I dare not say it was God who finally spoke to me, but at least its something to ponder over…

Perhaps its not that God isn’t speaking to me. All too often, what God seem to have to say to me is pretty straightforward. From renouncing some of my sinful habits, to finally taking some steps to change my bad habits in life, it’s the very simple things in my life that I’m aware I shd be doing. The things that always surfaces to my mind when I’m called to repent. The very things also, that I seem to have almost come to instinctively repress and overlook. Instead, I’m too eager to look for other things to repent from… telling myself that the old ones are things I know I have to take care of, so I shd look for the new and undiscovered ones. In the process of overlooking it, I always end up ignoring the very things that God seems to require of me.

In other words, its not that He isn’t speaking. Its just that I’ve learnt to filter out what He’s saying, but am only waiting for Him to say what I’m expecting to hear. Mebbe that’s why He seems to me, to be silent. And by that same token, its probably the reason why I never seem to think I’m moving on. With the same issues in my life that I’m refusing to let go of, and the same things that God is still patiently waiting for me to finally address, its no wonder that I feel like I’m back where I began.

I guess it’s a bit like cleaning my room… Its time to stop brushing things under the carpet, and hope it goes away. Its time to finally dig everything out, so that my room can finally clear out space for new things to go in, instead of always keeping the same clutter further buried inside my cupboard.

Here’s to 2006, and a year where I make space for God to finally do something new in my life… after I’ve taken care of business with the old.

2006 Comes With A Whimper...

So here comes 2006, marking the end of a year where so much as happened.

As the clock struck 12 tonight, I was standing alone outside a bar full of strangers, watching everyone countdown to the New Year, exchanging well wishes and hugs. And it struck me that my anonymity of the moment pretty much summed up my year of 2005, where so much has happened, and for once I did not take center stage.

Probably the most earth-shattering event in my life this year would have been my withdrawal from NUS. Otherwise, its been a year of so much upheaval in the lives of all around me. For once, my world is turned upside-down not because of what happened to me, but more or less because of those in my circle, those that I care for.

So what sort of year has it been?

In church, we celebrated the start of Providence Presbyterian Church. Incidentally, this day is actually PPC’s first birthday. We also saw our youth service “upgraded” into the church’s official Second Service. Our Levite Ministry has seen the recruitment of a few new members, as well as the departure of others. But the core of the ministry seems to have grown stronger and closer, as has the whole second service’s core team members. Its been a year to give thanks, in the ministry.

In the family, my sister finally got married to the man she dated for 13 yrs. We also bought a condo, which they have now moved into. My mom also retired from teaching, after being in it for more than 30 years. She’s now in the midst of planning to set up her own café. Mm… lots to pray for… Hehz…

Globally, its been a year of natural disasters, bird flu, terrorism and elections. All bad news, I guess. No surprise that every church’s favorite sermon topic at the end of the year was on how “The End Is Near”.

In my own life, I finally quit school, enrolled in a new one, started to get a taste of working life, managed to avoid falling back into the crisis mode that pretty much marked my last 2 years. I also passed my driving, and by the end of the year started to be on talking terms with Grace again. Its been a year that has tested me in many areas of my life that had so far been left untouched. I feel that I have grown. I Really do. Of course, ironically, this has been the first year in a long long time that has seen me lose a remarkable amount of weight. Here’s keeping my fingers crossed that my blog entry dated 1st Jan 2007 will not speak of my marked gain in weight.

Sadly, my report card still reads the same failure in my search for a soulmate. In the last 2 weeks, I’ve been telling God I want to finally start letting go of my longing, and surrender my dreams to Him. Its tiring to keep wanting what is not yours to have, and the longer you hold on to such dreams, the more painful it gets when it finally get shattered. I guess as much as I’m a dreamer and an idealist, mebbe I’m also a coward.

Interestingly enough, as soon as I’ve started telling God this, from 3 different sources have come the same question to me… have I ever met my soulmate in my life?

As I reflected on the question, I realized that many times I don’t seem to have a good grasp of my definition for a soulmate. It goes beyond merely someone who has similar taste/interests/opinions/mentality. Its about being able to connect at a deeper level than that… a level that says even if we were to have nothing in common in so many areas of our lives, there is an understanding between us that is able to dwarf those external differences, a soulish connection where we still ‘get each other’. But beyond that, she must also be someone who is able to captivate me. She doesn’t have to be a looker. But there must be something abt her, that leaves me breathless everytime I catch a glimpse of her, that keeps me always longing to be able to take one more look at her.

Is that asking a bit much?

Because I think in all my friendships down the years with different girls, some still close but some who have all but disappeared from my life, I’ve found a little bit in each one of them. In some I’ve found the security to open up about some of my darkest secrets, always safe in the trust of their unconditional acceptance of me. In others I’ve found that instinctive understanding that I always hoped I’d develop with Grace, but which ultimately proved elusive. In yet another I’ve always found myself very strangely captivated by her presence everytime she’s around, a sense of comfortableness that can’t really be explained.

And I guess until I find a girl that does not leave me comparing her with the others around me, but is someone whom I know for sure is the one I’ll want to spend the rest of my life with, I’d always be afraid I’m just compromising out of sheer loneliness. And ‘compromise’ would be just about the ugliest that can show up beside the word ‘Love’.

So am I in trouble? Mebbe. Looks like I’m destined to be alone. Its been a bad year in love and life for me and Paul. Heck, in so many around me, to be honest. We’ve both lost some steam from our early-days enthusiasm to do well in Stansfield. We both ended the year in anonymity – single, and perhaps in a strangely paradoxical sense not alone yet still lonely.

Don’t ask me why I’m so hung up on getting attached. Cos perhaps that’s not my main emphasis. Getting attached seems to me more a solution rather than my real problem. I guess I’m just so tired of being lonely. Not physically, but more… erm… soulishly. I keep asking God… apart from You, where is that Eve you have in store for me, to help me with the burdens I bear inside of me? The one who would stand by me when everyone else stops believing in me, the one who still remembers me when the world has forgotten me, the one who still cherishes me even after I myself think I’m worthless?

And perhaps that’s why my lesson in 2005 seemed to have been 2 very simple ones. The first one is that God really loves people. He really really does. He wasn’t kidding when He said that to love the least of them is to love Him. He wasn’t meaning it in a hypothetical manner. And so everything in ministry is about people. Gone were the days of the supposed ‘big picture’, where we consider what’s good for the ‘system’ or ‘program’, which was in turn supposed to serve the people. The minute the system causes someone to stumble, or causes us to neglect and forget some, it isn’t worthy of merit before God, no matter how much good it has otherwise done.

The second lesson is that I need to give thanks. In the face of so much that is going round in the lives of those around me, I realize how much I’ve been living blindly in the grace of God. My loneliness is real and tangible. It was never a contest of “who has the bigger problem”, but many times if I were to take my eye of myself, I’d see how God intended us to serve one another in order to take away loneliness in the world. When we make someone else feel remembered, valued, cherished or forgiven, we bring a little more of God’s unconditional love into the lives around us. And the only way to draw the strength to always be ready to help others, is from a posture of thanksgiving.

So I step into 2006 with the sober realization that I have 2 lessons to carry over from the last year. And it seems that God has deemed these 2 lesson to be sufficient enough to help me get through 2006, if I but obey. I also realize I’m carrying over into 2006 the scars I’ve accumulated over 26 years, and that some of them will continue to hurt for a long time to come. But I guess the pain is what keeps me alive, and keeps me growing.

My 2006 wish-list would contain just one item – Courage. To face up to the fact that I’m 27, and I’ll need to act like one, and finally learn from some really hard lessons in 2005. Courage also to hang on to my beliefs, as my faith increasingly wears thinner in the face of heavier and larger burdens that is building up in my life and in my heart.

*Gulp*