The Parable

The Parable

            The man’s life was pleasant. So too was his worship. The two always go together.

God was not pleased. So He allowed the man’s life to become unpleasant.

The man responded at once with shock.“ How can this be? How could this happen in my life?”

Beneath the shock, the man was smug. But he could not see it. He thought it was trust. “This will soon pass. God is faithful. Life will again be pleasant.” His worship remained shallow.

God was not pleased. So He allowed more unpleasant things to happen in the man’s life.

The man tried hard to handle his frustrations well, like someone who trusted God. “I will be patient,” he resolved.

But he didn’t notice that his efforts to be patient grew out of the conviction that a pleasant life was his due. He did not hear his own heart saying, “If I’m patient, God will make things pleasant again. That’s His job.”

His worship became a way to convince God to restore his pleasant life.

God was not pleased. So He pulled back His hedge of protection around the man a little farther. The man’s life became miserable.

The man got angry. God seemed unmoved, indifferent, uncaring. Heaven’s door slammed shut. The man knew he could not pry it open.

He could think only of better days—not of better days coming, but of better days before, days that no longer were and that showed no signs of returning.

His highest dreams were a return to those days, to the pleasant life he once knew, when he felt what he had called joy.

He could not imagine a higher dream than going backward to what once was. But he knew life never moved backward. Adults never become children again. Old people never recover the energy of their most productive years.

So he lost hope. God had withdrawn His blessing, and there was no indication He would change His mind.

The man fell into depression. His worship stopped.

God was not pleased. So He released the forces of hell into the man’s life.

Temptations that formerly were manageable now became irresistible. The pain of living was so great that the pleasure the temptations afforded, relief really, seemed reasonable and necessary. But after the pleasure came a new kind of pain, a kind of pain that covered his soul with a fog that not even the brightest sun could penetrate.

The man could see only his pain. He could not see God. He thought he could, but the god he saw was one whose job is was to relieve pain. He could imagine this god, but he could not find him.

He addressed the only god he knew. He begged for help. Beneath his words of pleading he could almost hear what his heart was saying: “You owe me help. I will never believe I deserved all this to happen. This pain is not my fault. It’s yours.”

His worship had always taken the form of a demand, but now the demand was so obvious the man could almost recognize it.

God was not pleased. So He let the struggles continue. And God allowed new troubles to come into the man’s life.

In the part of the man’s heart that dreamed his greatest dreams, he had been certain he would never have to face these new troubles that were now in his life. For years he had said in his heart (without actually hearing it), “That could never happen to me. If it did, my life would be over. If that happened, I’d have no choice but to conclude that God isn’t good. I would have to dismiss God. And no one, not even God, could fault me.”

But still the man could not hear his heart speak. What he could hear was a seductive voice that made the worst temptation he had ever faced—to lose hope in God—seem noble, bravely defiant, the only way left for the man to find himself.

The battle waxed hot. But a flicker of hope remained. The man held on to his faith. Even as he did, he could not hear his heart saying, “I have every right to give up on my faith. But I’m choosing the truly noble way. I still believe in You. I still believe You’re there and that my highest hopes for joy—whatever hopes are left—lie with you. Does that impress you? If not, my God, what does?”

His worship was more desperate than ever. But it was still proud. God was not pleased. So He allowed the man’s trials to continue and his pain to remain unabated. God kept His distance from the man. He provided no comfort, no tangible reason to hope. It was difficult for God not to make everything better in the man’s life. It was even more difficult for Him not to appear directly to the man and assure him of His presence.

But He didn’t. God had a greater dream for the man than a return to a pleasant life. He wanted the man to find true joy. He longed to restore the man’s hope for what mattered most. But still the man did not know what that was.

The fog around the man’s soul thickened until he could feel it, like walls closing in. All that was left was mystery; there was fear certainly, even terror, but more acute was the sense of mystery, the mystery of a bad life and a good God.

Where was He? When the man became most aware of his need for God, God disappeared. It made no sense. Was God there or not?

If He was, did He care? Or didn’t He?

The man could not give up on God. He remembered Jacob. So he began to fight. But he fought in the dark, a darkness so deep that he could no longer see his dreams of a pleasant life.

In deep darkness, you cannot see. But you can hear. He could hear for the first time what his heart was saying. “Bless me! he cried. From his deepest soul, he could hear words reflecting a resolve that would not let go of God.

 “Bless me! Not because I am good, but because You are good. Bless me! Not because I deserve Your blessing, but because it is Your nature to bless. You really can’t help Yourself. I appeal not to who I am. You owe me nothing. I appeal only to who You are.”

He still saw his pain. But now he saw God. And the cry for blessing was no longer a demand for a pleasant life. It was a cry for whatever God wanted to do, for whoever He was. The man felt

something different. It was the beginning of humility. But the very fact of what it was kept him from seeing what it was.

The man had forgotten himself and discovered his desire for God. He did not find God right away, but he had hope, hope that he might experience what his soul most deeply longed for.

Then he saw it. Fresh water bubbled up from a spring in the desert of his soul, and he saw it.

It was a new dream. He could see its contours take shape. It was a dream of actually knowing God and representing Him in an unpleasant world. The dream took on a specific focus; he saw how he could know God and represent God to others in a way that was his way and not someone else’s. It felt like coming home.

He realized immediately that his power to speak on behalf of God to others in the midst of their unpleasant lives depended on his speaking from the midst of his own unpleasantness. He had never before felt grateful for his troubles.

His suffering became to him a doorway into God’s heart. He shared God’s pain in His great project of redemption. Suffering together for a single cause made him feel closer to God.

A new thought occurred to him.“I will join with whatever forces are opposed to the root of this unpleasantness. I will ally with goodness against evil. I will not wait to see more clearly; what my hand finds to do, I will do. But I will stay close to the spring. My soul is thirsty. A pleasant life is not water for my soul; whatever comes from God—whoever God is—this is the only true water. And it is enough.”

The man worshiped God, and God was pleased. So God kept the water bubbling up out of the spring in the man’s soul. When the man didn’t drink every morning from that spring or return every evening to drink again, his thirst became intolerable.

Some things in his life got better.

Some things stayed the same.

Some things got worse.

But the man was dreaming new dreams, greater dreams than a pleasant life. And he found the courage to pursue them; he was now a man with hope, and his hope brought joy.

God was very pleased. So was the man.

- Larry Crabb, Shattered Dreams

Spilling My Guts

One thing that I always question about myself is my instinct. No matter how much I remind myself of the number of times my intuition has proven itself to be wrong, I inevitably find myself again relying on what gut says. So whether it be a harsh criticism of someone that proved unwarranted, faith in someone who ultimately didn’t deserve it, disappointment that resulted from a misplaced or false hope, or even the unexpected joy that rose from the ashes of a dream I thought had gone to dust, I continue to live my life by something I can’t ever fathom or explain.

I remember the first time I ever had a serious crush on a girl. We got along really well, and there was nothing we couldn’t talk about. We would talk on the phone every day, and she always tells me how much she appreciates our friendship. On my part, everything was leading right up to my plucking up the courage to tell her how I felt. Even a few of our common friends told me I should give it a try... Until now I’m still not sure whether or not I shd have reacted in bitterness or with thankfulness when she told me she just got attached to another guy it turned out I knew. After all, I was no more than days away from deciding to express my feelings for her. Grins.

That was a major blow to my dependence on my instinct.

Of course, there’ve been times when things played out the other way. So often I looked at a problem with an all too familiar sense of fatalism and told myself how hopeless the situation was, even before I had actually properly assessed the details. It meant that I would just give up without a fight, leaving it to those around me whom I would brand as “people who blindly live in denial of reality” to press on. And often enough, I would be the one blushing away when all my pessimism which I had insisted upon as a realistic perspective proved to be false.

And I guess it makes me wonder what is it that still causes me to choose to rely on my instinct. Maybe its because I really suck at thinking through a situation. Maybe I’m just too lazy to sit down and do that. Maybe its because I don’t believe myself to be able to make a well-weighted decision anyway, and so just decide to go by my gut feel. Whatever the case, I’ve been trying harder to think through things carefully before I make decisions nowadays, instead of letting my hunches get the better of me. And I think I’m better off for it, given just how little thought I usually give to things.

For instance, I seldom look at maps when I navigate an unknown area. I get the general direction from someone who knows the place, then I like to just ‘feel’ my way there, even if it means making a few extra turns, and walking a few more minutes.

So why am I mentioning this here? Because I’ve had a few decisions to make recently that troubled me a little. And each time I sat down to think abt things, I find that my instincts always went against the grain of prudence and wisdom. And I realize that my nature is such that I will always have a natural inclination towards obeying my instinct above and good advice my brain might be offering.

And that’s pretty worrying.

I should never ever accept my intinct’s decisions on any matters more important than what to have for lunch. Otherwise I’m really gonna be screwed.

Hehz.

I Love My 音乐日记！

我喜欢打篮球的你。
我喜欢会发呆的你。
我喜欢弹吉他的你。
我喜欢吗我无聊的你。
我喜欢咬指甲的你。
我喜欢在电话傻笑的你。
我喜欢搞笑的你。
我喜欢犹豫不决的你。
我喜欢试穿牛仔裤五次的你。
我喜欢听我牢骚的你。
我喜欢这么多，这么多的你。
你又会把我放在你心中的哪里呢？

不知道已经有多久的时间没听到“音乐日记”了。记得以前在 Reuters 工作时，每天早上十一点半我一定会准时听这个节目。不过现在，一半是睡不醒，而另一半也许是因为久了兴趣也冷淡了，就慢慢的没去听这个节目了。

今天刚好再出门的路上，看到手表上的时间是十一点半，就拿起了耳机，再次地听这个节目。啊！还真有点想念它！

有时听到这些故事时，心里就不知道怎么的，会有一些的反应。听到一个辛酸的故事时，心中就会庆幸自己其实是那么地幸福。听到了别人一些的诉苦时，有时候也会偷偷的在心里点点头，跟写信的人深有同感。听到了一些美满结局的故事时，又一边感到自己的情绪被挑了起来，一边在心里默默地问自己何时才轮到我。

但不管故事是凄惨，或是美满，在当中所被表达出来的情绪我多多少少都能够找到认同。听这些故事往往在我心情低潮时、感到孤独时，提醒我其实我不寂寞，在外头起码有一个我虽不相识的人但却能体会我感受的人。我也就因着这样，得到了安慰。

这整个星期什么也没去做，就只是专心读书，心中虽是比较定了下来，但却难免会情绪低潮一点。今晚去接了一位从美国回来的朋友，和他家人一起凌晨一点去吃宵夜，闲聊，还真是有趣。

这一两个星期也不知为什么的，突然整个人觉得懒散了许多，不能够集中精神去做任何事。我看也许这个星期逼自己留在家里，好让自己能够定下心来，也是一件好事。但愿下个星期起能够再次专心，全力以赴的读好书！

Little Pockets Of Life

I’ve recently had a rash of anonymous geniuses all deciding to try and have a go at me. Read the bold print, pple. HYPOTHETICAL!!!! And yes, to the 2 annonymous-es that I know, thanks a lot ah…

But I’ve certainly been having my share of ‘exciting’ stuff going on lately, and I guess such tabloid trash keeps my utterly mundane and monotonous study life somewhat livable. It seems that after going through a season of seeing a lotta my friends break up, its nice to see some of them slowly finding for themselves new… options. And given how in quite a few cases, I know both of them, its twice as exciting to see the budding of these relationships. Its also good in the sense that such are the times that I get to talk more with them, since the onset of falling in love always involves the impetus to talk abt it with someone. Grins. And its been pretty fun, sharing with each other abt the “I’ll tell you when mine begun if you’ll tell me when yours begun” thing.

Ah well. Hopefully, its not just more of my vicarious existence.

Tee hee.

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I’ve been a good boy the past 2 days, staying home and studying. Its been a little bit more bearable (heat-wise) lately, and I also didn’t really feel like going out. Its also something that turns out to be really good for my wallet. Hahahaha…

I discovered that my sis has finally emptied out her table and it is now pretty clear. So if I turn on the aircon in her room, I can alternate between studying on her desk and napping on my bed. All in all, it’s a pretty good arrangement, and I’m pretty pleased with it.

Unfortunately, my family’s usually out nowadays for the day… so it means I’ve been having instant noodles for lunch. It’s a fully-carbo diet, which totally explains why I’ve put on abt 3kg since my sister’s wedding. (Yes, I’ve checked that the scales were accurate. I couldn’t believe it myself!!!!!)

*************************************

With Julia having just left on Sunday, and Xiying coming back this fri, I’m also suddenly left wondering where in the world is my dear Eric Ng. The last time I heard from him was almost 2 months ago, when he said “I’ll reply your email next week.” There’s only so many times I can pull that “I’m thinking of getting back with Grace” thing before that wears really thin.

Grins.

*************************************

2 wedding dinners this weekend, so the whole weekend is officially burnt. Its quite a bummer, actually, esp my sat nights. I’ve come to really look forward to it as either time I get to spend with pple in the worship ministry, or else just the evening that I take off to do what I wanted to do all week. Shop. Be alone. Catch up with friends I don’t do as often with. It was my time, my space. I wouldn’t mind it so much if it’s a wedding dinner for someone I know. But when its for a girl that I haven’t spoken 2 sentences with, but obligatory to go since my parents are terribly close to hers, then I really don’t have too much choice in the matter. I just hope that they don’t start later than 9, and they don’t end later than 11. I’m tempted to bring a book, but I think my parents would rather I sit at the table and look interested in all the meaningless conversations that go around.

Sunday night is Huiting’s wedding. I’m wondering who else will be at my table. At least I can be pretty confident that I’ll be sitting with friends.

Some of the most mortifying experiences I’ve ever had with wedding dinners include those where I ended up sitting at a table whose average age (including me) works out be abt 60, or being sat at the single’s table… worse off is the table where my friend obviously is trying to pair everyone off. Then there’ve been the religiously silent tables I’ve been at, and those where the whole table only speaks to their partners and totally ignores everyone else. The better ones would include this time round where everyone was trying too hard to be polite, and none of the dishes were finished off, because everyone was trying to leave some of everyone else.

I think wedding dinners can be a most interesting study of different behavioural patterns. Sit the people in different groups, and see how they interact and behave differently in each setting.

Ah well. With so many couples getting married this year, and the promise of many many more to come over the next few years, I’ll have chances enough to observe and explore.

*************************************

Was gonna say that I was told to sleep at 2am via sms, and I was about to do that. Then my phone rang, and I’ve been talking till now. So its time to finally post this entry, hit the showers, then sleep. I told someone else at 0030 that I’d be hitting the showers, so I guess I’ve been a little slow to be true to my word tonight.

Hehz…

Ah well.

The Good Life

Yeaps.

Life is good. Man Utd just beat Newvastle by 2 Rooney goals, whilst Arsenal beat Liverpool with 2 classic Henry goals. Congrats to Arsenal for having pulled off the sensational signing of Steven Gerard!!!

So the pathetic red club did the Red devils a huge favour, whilst at least retaining some hope for themselves of qualifying for Europe next season.

Also, it was so cool today while we jogged. Just not too long ago I blogged abt how much I missed playing in the rain. And when we were inside MacRitchie, it really started to rain!!! =)

Today I read something really interesting. Paul Coelho, in his book “The Zahir” (Yes Edmund, I decided to pick it up and read it cos you piqued my curiosity), has this man saying that “Our true friends are those who are with us when the good things happen. They cheer us on and are pleased by our triumphs. False friends only appear at difficult times, with their sad supportive faces, when, in fact, our suffering is serving to console them for their miserable lives.”

Perhaps a tad harsh and one-sided… but I really could see where he was coming from. As hard as it is to really mourn with a grieving friend, I think its even harder to be genuinely pleased to see a friend doing so well in life, esp when your own life has been less than satisfactory. Whether it’s a wistful feeling, a jealous twitch, or even the irrational impulse to wish him ill, it is so much easier to commiserate with someone whose own life is in equal turmoil. Maybe its just because I really am by nature a petty person, with nary an ounce of generosity in my heart… but its really hard for me sometimes to rejoice with those who rejoice.

Don’t get me wrong. Good news from those dear to me, ranging from good academic results, to news of a promotion or even news of marriage always gives me a lot of joy. Yet there is also always the feeling that the joy that comes out of me for my friend is “tainted” or “corrupted” with the wistfulness that would inevitably follow. And sometimes, the jealousy that wells up is almost a knee-jerk response that I couldn’t help, leaving me to ask myself when I’ve had time to reflect on my own reaction, just how small a man am I really. Joy is meant to be innocent, unconditional and selfless. And for one prone to the more jaded and dark tendencies of the heart, I find that any joy I might bear for the fortunes of my friends are forever tainted, and I’m never able to get past myself and just be genuinely and absolutely happy for their sake alone.

It made me think of what Jesus said, that “greater love has no man than this, that he would lay down his life for a friend.”

Of course, this probably wasn’t what he was specifically talking abt… but I couldn’t help but think that love for someone always means the putting to death of self – and it doesn’t always have to take on a physical form. Of course, if you go the second mile to actually give your life for someone, then there really isn’t anything else that anyone could have asked of you. Yet in the everyday of living, learning to show love in a selfless manner to those around us… that would indeed be a challenge. Josiah Barlettt of The West Wing once said “We need more heroes, and less martyrs. A hero would willingly die for his country, but he’d much rather live for it.”

I guess living the Christian life takes quite an act of heroism.

P.S. I'm taking the songs on my blog out for a while, cos I'm dangerously close to exceeding my bandwidth. Service will resume in a couple of weeks or so I guess. Enjoy one of my all-time favorite poems in its place, till the music returns!!

My Ego Trip

Someone recently asked me if I’m still in the “moping after Grace” state of mind. Dammit. Do I really look so darned weak?

I still mention her in my conversations because I shared 4 long years with her. That’s a lot of memories, and a lot of things that I experienced with her by my side. So when I recount the past, her name naturally comes up. I see no need to hide it. Of course, once I start building new memories with Fiona after she discovers my existence, you’ll hear Grace’s name less and less. (Speaking of which, I’m glad to see someone’s “Operation Fiona” taking off so well… Muahahahaha)

Tee hee.

Anyway, I’ve still got people coming up to me abt my “Who Says I Talk Too Much” entry. Some said it was funny, many keep asking which comment referred to them (the hardest part was telling some of them that they actually didn’t feature in my thoughts at all… Hehz…), and on the whole everyone seemed to have something to say abt it.

Ah well. Just now in the shower, it got me thinking abt something else that I could post up there anonymously, and I wondered what sort of reaction would I get. So, lemme just state that the following is purely hypothetical. Repeat: purely hypothetical. (Yes, I’m talking to all you idiots who are smirking right now, with your presumptuously knowing smiles…)

Here goes:

“You probably never noticed it, but I’ve liked you for some time now. Everytime we met up, either to study, pray, worship or just have dinner, my heart always skips a beat when you looked at me. I have no idea how it started, or even when… I just know that by the time I realized how much I’ve fallen for you, it was too late.

I guess this time it is just the same as my previous relationship. No one would ever believe that it’d be you. “Its so wrong!!!’, many would say. “You two are so different!!!”, other would agree. And on the whole, there are many who would predict that if we did end up together, it would end the same way as me and Grace did. But I would dearly love to give it a shot, and I would whatever I can to ensure that I don’t make the same mistakes.

But I guess you’ll never know how I feel, since we live such separate lives and I don’t know when we’ll meet again. But if ever you do know how I feel, and you actually feel the same… let me know.

I’ll be waiting.”

There.

Now, the one thing I just can’t figure out, is exactly which situation would traumatize me more, and which situation would please me more – If no one actually responds, or if more than one responds.

Muahahahahaha…

Waiting For Me

Today I was just wondering abt waiting. I was waiting for an email to come because I needed it to be able to settle some things, and unfortunately the email I was waiting for never got through. It means I waited for half an hr in vain, and it also means that I wasn’t able to finish what I wanted to do.

Its seems we spend our whole lives waiting for something to happen, doesn’t it? As kids, we keep waiting to grow up so we won’t be treated as a kid anymore. And slowly, as we transit into a grown-up, we keep waiting for the moment when we come of age, and actually start feeling like an adult. And by the time we reach that stage, (I’m told) we start waiting for the day we can retire ourselves from adult responsibilities. And when we retire ourselves from these responsibilities, we wait to die.

As a Christian, we are called to wait for Christ’s coming. In our spiritual walk, we are called to wait for God to move in His time, we are called to wait upon Him, and more often than not we seem to be waiting for all our hard work and labor-of-love to bear fruit in our ministries. We keep waiting for the other side to understand us and our situation, thus waiting just about forever to heal the divisions that exist in every church.

As a single, we wait for our soulmate to come along. When he/she comes along, we wait to be noticed. Then we wait for the reciprocation. Then we wait the appropriate interval before getting married. In the event that things don’t work out, we again repeat the cycle from scratch.

Between friends, we wait for each other to show up for our appointments, we wait for the other party to be the first to apologize, we wait to see how they treat us before we decide how much to invest in return for the friendship. We tell ourselves a true friendship needs to stand the test of time, so we wait and we wait before we call someone a good friend.

In our careers we can’t wait to start work to get out of the dreariness of studying, and we can’t wait to start earning our own money. Subsequently we start waiting for the next best job opening to become available because we question if we’re really happy with what we have. Then we wait to climb the career ladder after we’ve finally settled somewhere. Then we wait to finally retire because we’re tired of working so long. Then we realize that we still need to work after retirement, and so just end up waiting to die.

I guess perhaps that’s why we all feel like our lives are so unfulfilled. Because we’re always waiting for the next thing to happen, we’re always expecting a little more out of our lives. Some call it “looking forward”, while in a different light its called “discontent”.

I like how Colin Hay puts it, “I’m waiting for my real life to begin”. I put up the version sung by the cast of Scrubs, since even as I was writing this entry the song came naturally to mind. The episode was talking abt a patient who was about to die at any moment unless she had a heart transplant, and she was saying that even as she continues to give her all to fight for her life, part of her is very tired that she will always have to go through life being denied a full part of it by reason of her heart condition. She told her doctors that in a way she was ready to die, so that she could perhaps finally live her real life.

And on many days that’s how a heavy heart of mine feels. I’m waiting. Waiting for my real life to begin. Anyone who has waited for news of a loved one gone missing, or one who has waited before for the reciprocation of his/her feelings will understand just how painful waiting can be, and is.

Oh, you’ll have good days when you feel like life is finally moving along (and it probably is!!), but there are days when it feels like a mirage on the dusty road ahead, and that you’re still headed absolutely nowhere.

*Shrug*

Maybe its just me.

But I think I know too many out there who don’t know why life is so painful.

At least, I know.

I Need A Brain-Wash

What do you do to get stuff off your mind?

I wonder.

One way is to live in denial, and just tell yourself things will get better enough times till you honestly believe it. Or even worse, convince yourself that it never was a problem in the first place, that its alright, then get yourself to totally buy into the lie.

Alternatively, you could distract yourself. That could take the form of many things. Movies, games, friends, hobbies (most guys use porn, as a matter of fact…), sports… etc. A popular option appears to be ironing clothes. Quite a few of my friends tell me they start ironing their clothes when they’re bothered by something. (I used to tell them that I’ll send them my clothes first if I have any distressing news for them.)

I like to write them down. After I’ve somehow crystallized my thoughts into some form of order, I find myself more able to actually see things clearly. And sometimes by framing them a certain way, I allow a particular bias to take centre-stage, thus dictating my response. Of course, even if things look really bad, putting it down somewhere helps, the same way as telling a friend would. I’ve managed to ‘unload’ my pent up frustrations, my fears, my obsessions… etc. All this helps preserve my sanity for that much longer, till the next time I can’t take it anymore and again seek solace such writings.

Unfortunately, with this blog increasingly entering the domain of public reading (For example I finally figured out who my “Other Annonymous” is… and I had no clue he was even reading this!!!!), the more I feel there is a responsibility on my part to be careful in my choice of words, so as not to either inconvenience anyone, inadvertently betray someone’s trust, make public some things that are meant to only be shared amongst closer friends, or otherwise just too plain embarrassing to let so many pple know. Thus, I’ve again started writing in my journal.

Of course, that creates in me a certain anxiety, because therein contains some of my most private thoughts, which I didn’t even dare to put down here when I had thought it was a blog no one knew of. And given how often I misplace things, or leave things behind, I’m rather paranoid abt the things inside ever being found out by anyone. So… Hehz… I decided to put my paranoia down here, to alleviate some of it.

Past couple of days, I’ve been down at Rulin’s place, baking both muffins and a cheesecake. Both things turned out remarkably well, all things considered. Both nights Edmund was ard, and tonight Paul joined us too. We ate, drank and talked, and I guess it was a good time to unwind from some pretty heavy-hearted weeks that I’ve had in Feb. But it increasingly confirms that I’m going through a phase now in my life where I’m finding back a lot of my old friends. I don’t know what that means, and I don’t know if that’s necessarily a good or bad thing, but at least I’m very sure that seems to be the season I’m going through.

But at least so far I’m enjoying it.

My dear Enhan goes into NS tmr… and I guess I’m not half as worried as his gf, or his family. Somehow having gone through the system yourself, you know it isn’t half as bad as the urban legends you hear abt NS making or breaking a man. At the heart of it all, NS is as much a life-changing experience as Poly or Uni can be. Some will change drastically, others will emerge totally unscathed.

We talked a lot abt relationships. And I think I’ve been trying very hard to run away from that topic since the turn of the year. Whether its abt resolving my issues with Grace, or my search for my “Fiona” as some smart-asses have been going on about, or “loneliness and the search for a soulmate” as Xiying summarizes it, I’ve tried to ignore it when it creeps up. Mostly because I felt I needed to take a break to clear my head, because I was getting too raveled up in my own thoughts. Secondly because I didn’t want to let my life be so caught up in this one aspect of my life that I forget how there’s a lot more to my life that I should not neglect as well. Thirdly because the more I thought about it, the more I come to see the futility of such thoughts, and I’m rather not be bogged down forever in a vicious circle.

So following the past two nights, as well as my little exchanges with Xiying on his blog, suddenly it seems that this impasse in my life again rears it (ugly) head.

Which brings me back to what I asked at first – what do you do to get things off your mind?

Worst thing is how it rears its head at a time when I think I can ill afford it, since I need to be studying. But its like birds that fly over your head – you never see them coming, and when they do there’s nothing you can do abt it.

The Truman Blog (Part 2) – Resolution

It seems that my Truman Blog entry much earlier on generated some responses that wasn’t what I expected. So I thought I shd explain things a little.

No, I’m not pissed at Der Biao or anyone who inadvertently ended up distributing my blog address, either deliberately or otherwise. Its unfortunate that it seems like I’m singling him out. I’m not. And I apologize if it seemed that way, cos its not really fair to him. And no, I’m not pissed at you also if you found my blog and have been reading it without my permission or knowledge. After all, if I really had insisted upon such privacy, I would have gone ahead and installed a password. Its just that I had figured it wasn’t too big a deal if a couple others chanced upon it by accident, and by the time I realized too many people had it, I figured I’d just modify the content, or else be more careful in what I put down.

So… yes. Regarding what I left off with in that entry, I’ve decided to go on being a media whore, and let this blog continue to exist if nothing else than for the sole purpose of whining for people to read… that way they can’t blame me for whining… cos they chose to read this trash. Grins.

Anyway, this was sparked by an overseas call from my dear Xiying… who went on to shock me by announcing he’s read my blog. So… join me now in welcoming him to this little I-Have-So-Much-Free-Time-To-Waste-I-Can-Afford-To-Read-This-Rubbish community that I know. *clap clap clap clap*

Ah well. It was a pleasant experience, hearing from him. His first call to me in more than half a year since he left. I mean, we’ve only known each other for more than 10 years… so having already received an email and a phone call from him in more than half a year… so generous of him!!!!

Grins.

Ah well. I shall be less snide.

Anyway, this day started really badly for me. I kept having more of my horrific dreams where a certain someone was apparently very pissed at me, and I kept feeling the full weight of her displeasure again and again. When I finally got up, I took a shower and proceeded to cut myself quite deeply with the shaver. (There goes my handsome face… Hehz…) That’s on top of the crappy headache that I got because of a stiff neck that’s plagued me the last couple of days.

Felt very slow today in my studies. I’ve always struggled with Classical Sociology theory, and so I was having a really hard time. Downed two panadols and three cups of coffee. Still covered less than 2 chapters the whole day. I did lunch in the afternoon with my family at Hyatt Hotel’s Mezza9. Was a disappointment, really. My customary Caeser Salad nowadays for lunch when dining with family was a disaster. I think Café Cartel does a comparable toss. But ah well. At least now I know better.

So, Kudos to Xiying for calling me today. The only highlight in an otherwise pretty dreadful day, where not much went well.

Ah well.

Good news is, I have Thursday to look forward to. We’re meeting Julia for dinner!!! And Saturday is Gabriel’s birthday!!!!

=)

Can You Read Chinese??

在相遇的城市迷失之前，寻找一张似曾相识的脸。

握在手中的风筝段了线。

是因为我寂寞你才出现，还是你的存在让我自怜？缘分走过我身边，变成答录机遥远的留言。

甜蜜在梦幻的一瞬间留下了真实的思念

一段情就能连接两个人的天，一条路就能让两个人刹那之间命运都改变。只要愿意相信就能相见。一滴泪就能挡住两个人的天，模糊我的视线。呼唤着你名字从起点回到原点… 两条平行线总有交会的一天

是命运在转变你才出现，还是你的出现让我改变？

一个巧合的意外变成一场最执著的迷恋。



These are actually lyrics from a song. From the movie 向左走，向右走。And boy, did I fall in love with them right away!! You know, if there's one thing that chinese songs can do which english songs seldom accomplish, it is to pack so much imagery into a few words.

I guess I really didn't have a point to make. Just thought I'd post it as prose first, and let you guys marvel at how it actually was written into such an amazing song.

I'm in love!!!! (With the song, for all you kaypohs out there who have lately been filling the columns of tabloid trash with speculations of me.)

Ermz...

Guys, the fun of it all is in its ambiguity. So quit asking if this or that comment applies to you...
(Hmm... if you suspect I'm talking abt you, then even if it wasn't originally meant for you, you can still do some self-reflection eh? Of course, that doesn't apply to the comments made to Fiona or my parents!!! Grins.)

As Weixiu so succintly put it... Let's all play Whose Line Is It Anyway!!!

The last time I generated so much response from a blog entry was when I talked abt losing weight. Never imagined this would draw such a high response. And I'm guessing its because you guys wanted to know how I felt abt you!!!

Ha!

Who Says I Talk Too Much?????

So I sat down today to study at SMU, as I have for the past few days. I was just appreciating the silence of the library today, which for some strange reason was very quiet. So I had a really good time there. But as luck would have it, the minute I tell myself its gotta be my lucky day, along comes a group of hyenas (read: girls), who felt the need for the whole universe to hear what they were talking about.

Right there and then the thought came into my head rather indignantly “And them buffoons have the cheek to say I talk to much. Wait till they meet these geniuses.”

And in honor of that, I have compiled a list of things that I perhaps should have said, but didn’t. (Well technically, after putting it down here its been said… But of course, each comment is for someone particular, and I’m not naming names here. So… Grins.) Of course, the list contains plenty that I didn’t say, which turned out to be the right decision to make too. In other words, I actually either didn’t have the guts to say it, or else was lucky to not have blabbed out something that would get me in a lot of trouble.

To People In Church:
· Everytime I see you in church, I rehearse carefully what to say to you, then walk over. But by the time I get to you, its been more or less reduced to a smile and a wave.
· I wanted to ask for your name and apologize for having taken so long to do so, I found it too embarrassing and so continued to ignore you.
· I noticed you for a long long time already, and always thought we could have been good friends. But it would feel really awkward to just go up to you and ask to be friends without the right context to do so.
· What you’re wearing to church is a little inappropriate, don’t you think?
· Is it too much to ask that you show up ten minutes before service starts? In more than one year since I started counting, you’ve never been on time.
· You know, when you appear so laid back during sermon and look so disinterested during worship, its hard for me to get into the right frame to worship when I sit beside you.
· I think we’ve worshipped in this church together for more than 5 yrs already, but there still seems to be a ten foot wall between us.
· I see you every week in service. We laughed, we joked, we even served together. Yet until now all I really know about you is your name and your gender.
· Thanks for always being so responsive when I lead worship. Its not an ego thing, but looking at you gives me confidence, and settles me down for the rest of the time I’m up there.
· I know this sounds really dumb and thick skinned, but I never did dare to talk to you more because you’re female and I was afraid you might get the wrong idea.
· Not that I mind, but I never did know where you got the idea that you and I are really good friends, and know each other really well. At least, I don’t think I know you that well.
· Oops. I never knew he was your brother.
· Go away!!!
· Prayer requests? Pls pray for me, cos right now I’m having a really hard time believing that God loves me, or that He’s even real.
· I really don’t like him. I just couldn’t tell you at first because it would be wrong to speak derogatorily of others, esp in church.
· I actually really don’t feel like going for your wedding, but was afraid you’d take it the wrong way.
· I actually would love to be friends with you. But right now I really don’t know what else to say to you to keep the conversation going.

Friends Closer To Me:
· Sometimes it seems we have an almost telepathic understanding of each other. But right now you’re like someone I don’t recognize, and wouldn’t even want to know.
· I once cried when I dreamt that you died.
· Its very hard for me sometimes, when our familiarity causes you to assume that we share the same opinion on some issues. I wish you’d check with me.
· I suddenly feel very lonely when I’m with you, when you keep talking abt your new friends.
· Hey, I’d give you my kidney too, if the Govt allowed it!!!
· I know that always tell me you value me as a friend. But I think we both realize that deep down inside, both myself and my opinions are not held in high regard or esteem. And I guess to me it makes the friendship hypocritical at worse, superficial at best. I mean, its hard to really be friends with someone whom you don’t respect and hold in regard.
· You know how you’re keeping something from me and pretending nothing’s going on? Its actually very obvious. I know. Because I can tell that you know when I do the same thing to you.
· One thing I’ve never learnt to say properly is “I’m sorry”, and “Thank You”. But I really am, and I really do.
· Its embarrassing to let you know just how much your opinion matters to me.
· You know, we used to have our silly and temperamental arguments. It sounds stupid, but I wonder if its really a good sign that we don’t do that anymore.
· It disturbs me when you hang out with people I don’t like, and it upsets me when you don’t like the people I hang out with.
· You know, between you and that other close friend of mine, I’m afraid I rank you lower in terms of priority. And I’m sorry. But someone’s gotta be second.
· I once fancied us together. But when we were talking and the topic came up, you totally trashed the idea while I just held my peace. The rest is history.
· I feel like letting us drift apart a little for just a while. I feel like I need some space.
· You know, I’m always the one who’s calling or messaging you. Otherwise I just don’t hear from you all week. What’s up man? Are we still friends?
· I actually don’t think your relationship is going to work out, but you’re probably not going to listen anyway. My sis was right!!!
· You wanna just one day go with me to play in the rain and get soaking wet? I miss the days when we did that.
· I actually know already, but if you keep pretending like nothing’s going on, then I guess we can just keep talking superficialities.
· I can’t remember the last time I caught a movie with you.
· Erm, you still owe me some money, actually.
· I was kindda hoping you’d insist. I like to make a friend insist just so that I don’t feel like I’m imposing, or placing an unwanted obligation on someone.
· Just shut up, damn it.
· You know, this seems to be one of those days when our signals just don’t seem to cross, and we don’t get each other. It feels damn silly to pretend to be chummy when we obviously don’t seem to be connecting.

My Fiona:
· I secretly love it when people mention you and me, no matter how much I make a joke of it.
· I actually wrote you a hundred cards telling you how I felt towards you, then tore them all up and wrote another one saying “Praying For You”.
· I resolved many times to move on from you, esp if I don’t plan to do anything about it. But one look at you and my resolve disappears,
· I did a google on you before, just to see if anything shows up.
· Ever noticed that I hardly ever say no to you?
· I don’t get it. Why you?????
· I’ve pictured so many scenarios till I lost count, of how I could tell you how I felt. But every one of them starts with you being the first to say you feel the same.
· Pls tell me you don’t know anything.
· Pls tell me you actually know.
· My biggest fear? You coming up to tell me you fell for someone… and it isn’t me.
· Sometimes, I can’t stand you.
· You know how I was having a really down-in-the-dumps day back then? I was on cloud nine after you called me, out of the blue.

My Parents:
· Eventually, you’re gonna have to make up your mind whether or not I’m grown up already.
· You do realize that most of the things I do such as keeping things from you, I actually picked up from you?
· Thanks guys. Now I know why I think getting married takes either incredible guts or unbelievable stupidity.
· I don’t mind doing things for you guys. But I plan my schedule for the day, so you gotta tell me these things in advance!!!!!
· Someday I swear I’m either sending you to the Old Folks’ Home, or checking in to stay there myself. Ugh!!
· Thanks for being so sweet. I know its weird to tell you guys that, but… erm… yeah.
· Not a single day has gone by in 27 years when I don’t hear you complaining about something. You know how hard it is to overcome such brainwashing and start being a person who gives thanks? (I mean, just check out the rest of this blog man!!!)
· I know you didn’t really approve of Grace. But if I ever find another girl, I don’t really trust you guys to be honest abt it this time. And that sucks.
· You know, I see other parents who are friends with the friends of their kids. I’ve never heard you bother abt any of my friends, or at least think well of them.

Okie, that’s more than enough stuff for tonight. Just a sample of the many many many many many things that I’ve kept my mouth shut on. So don’t you ever dare say again that I’m a big mouth who talks too much!!!

For Better Or Worse

I watched The Contsant Gardener tonight. After that I took a drive down to Sembawang Park, with a few things running through my mind. I had a really peaceful hour to myself, before some people fishing there turned rowdy and a fight erupted right before my eyes. Right there, less than 10 metres away from where I sat. So much for peace and tranquility.

The movie was great. With all the recent attention given to pharmaceutical companies and their drugs, its little wonder someone made a film abt these drug companies. I still remember way back in an episode of The West Wing, they also raised an issue such as this. Aside from the obvious issues of exploitation, of how needy the third-world countries are, of the realities of politics in reaching out to them, I was left wondering abt the couple who were central to the story. The husband suspected his wife was committing adultery, and what started out as a journey of discovery ended as a quest for redemption, as he sought to redeem himself for having failed his wife in doubting her.

I started thinking back to the many many families I hear abt, of husbands and wives who committed adultery, some even serial adultery. And I wonder if its ever possible to forgive. In my last post, I mentioned how I would find it almost impossible to forgive someone who turned out to have violated a core principle/value in my life. At best I would be able to repair the friendship to a point that we could even be chummy. But a chasm would have developed, that would not close up. More than one have said to me before that they would not be able to tolerate it if their partner ever fails them.

And yet, that is the one thing a marriage can’t afford to do. A friend, no matter how close, remains an outsider. That’s why there is a distinction between “family” and “friends”. Up to the point that you start your own family, they remain the most fundamental element in your life. When you do marry, that family is said to have expanded. You don’t switch allegiance. And so what happens when a family member has betrayed you?

“For better or for worse”, so the vows claim. So every couple vow. And yet it seems like too much to ask of anyone to be able to stare a stab to the heart right in the face, and absolutely forgive such a blatant betrayal. And maybe that’s why Christ often compares the relationship between Him and the Church as that of a marriage. Why God would use Hosea to tell Israel that they have been an adulterous people. To a world full of hurting people, of people who have been betrayed and let down, who have been disappointed by someone they once trusted… these people who’ve been through the valley of pain would come to see the magnitude of love that God shows to them.

I suppose so much more is expected from a marriage than a friendship, and so what is unforgivable between friends must always be forgiven in a marriage.

Perhaps that’s one more in a long line of reasons why I don’t dare to love again. Because much would again be asked of me, that I’m scared to give again. Because it costs too much to not play it safe.

Each time I give a little more of my heart only to have it shattered, the emptiness that remains grows a little bigger. And so like the wuss that I’ve long become, I reversed the roles and continue to wait to be rescued from my captivity by the girl.

She.

Catching Up

Last night I was catching up with a very very old friend of mine, who’s getting married this October. She was asking me to be the overall co-ordinator for her wedding, and so bought me dinner. Grins. And as I sat there, I kept telling her I can’t believe she’s really gonna get married. She’s the oldest friend that I have, that I still keep in touch with, and we grew up together in church. So our history really stretches back a long long way.

We sat around the dinner table, just catching up and discussing abt some of the preliminary details for her wedding, and then our conversations turned more serious. She’s had her fair share of problems in the family, and also her pretty complicated history of a bad relationship that dragged on for 8 yrs. I told her I’ve never seen her so happy when she mentioned Joseph in the past, as she does when she talks about Douglas.

Then the topic turned to friends. We talked abt how many friends do we still keep from so long ago. About the friends who have drifted away, and the friends who have always just been around. The ones who have totally disappeared from sight, and those who let us down. One thing that’s very different about me is that I’m very needy towards friends. I built a community around me that I very much cherish and so give of myself to. In return, I ask for the same degree of honesty, openness and care. She doesn’t really have too close a community to call her own, and so after all these years, she’s had a much smaller handful of people whom she could really relate to and talk to.

So I started telling her abt my take on community, esp in church. I shared with her what Henry told Zhang Mu Shi on Sunday, something that really struck me very deeply. He was addressing the 2nd Service in church, and he said that when we all started pioneering the 2nd Service, the one thing we had in common was that we all had been hurt very deeply. By one reason or another, we all carried very deep wounds in our hearts, and so everyone was very fragmented, being very much unable to even take care of ourselves. What helped us to overcome it was the fact that out of this broken community, we had a group of people who had a very pastoral attitude, who reached out to each other despite their own hurts. It went a long way towards healing each other, and helping more and more people to stand up once again. It used to be that the 2nd Service was as cold as that of the Main Service, and no one really bothered much with each other. And we firmly believed it was because there were those who took the trouble to care of each other, which helped to rebuild the community. No amount of planning, dynamic sermons or inspirational music could have achieved that.

Then we started to talk abt the friends who had disappeared, and those whom we never wanted to see again. We both had our share of friends who turned out to be major disappointments. I used to ask myself if I shd be so judgmental towards people. After all, we all err from time to time. But I guess there are some things in a person that violates a very core principle in your own life, that makes you unable to ever face that person and look him or her in the eye the same way ever again. I always said that the one thing I resent the most is to be have been deceived or betrayed.

I remember the feeling once when I was crazy over a girl, only to be devastated when I realized that all the while she was crazy over someone else. After that I had a really torrid time talking to her, for fear that I might not get over her, and dreading the day she falls for someone else, but never me. I guess that’s a normal reaction, to want to avoid being hurt again. So maybe I really am not being too harsh if there are people whom I slowly let go of, knowing that they’re people who would turn out to be a disappointment in the end.

Of course, not everything was so heavy hearted. We still teased each other abt the past, when the whole church would assume we would end up together, we still laughed and joked abt the crazy things we did around the church together, and the friends in common that we turned out to have way after we’ve each gone on to different things in life and hardly caught up with each other anymore.

And just like that, 4 hrs sped past us, and we had to go home.

There’s something abt friends you grew up with, that nothing can ever replace. There’s nothing to pretend, and nothing to hide from each other, and on the whole I think I really enjoyed myself last night.

Grins.

Of course, the fact that dinner was free certainly helped. Tee hee.

Oh, the song now playing is one of my all-time favorites. A song that I listened to non-stop after I first heard it. The lyrics are beautiful, as is the melody. The fact that its from my fav Hugh Grant movie, Notting Hill, also helps.

Grins.

Enjoy!

Pictures Always Say it Better

"You see, I think you have forgotten what an unusual
situation you two have. To find somebody you actually love, and who’ll love you…
I mean, the chances are always… miniscule." - Notting Hill

For You, Smudge

Man Utd 4-0 Wigan

The scoreline didn’t really do justice to a scrappy match that United in fact did dominate. All in all it wasn’t a classic match. Pretty boring in fact, if not for the goals.

But I guess I really appreciated the whole game for the sentiments that it embodied. First of all for Ronaldo, who had vowed to play his best in remembrance of his father who passed away a couple of months ago. The raw emotions he displayed when he finally did score spoke volumes of how much it meant to him.

Even better was when the team all trooped off immediately after the match to the dressing room, and only emerged to celebrate moments later, all wearing t-shirts that said “For you, Smudge”, for Alan Smith who had broken his leg a fortnight ago. It was a really sweet gesture, and it indicated just how much the Yorkshireman was well-liked by everyone.

I had gone up to Wineflair at the start of the match, and was bewildered to find it almost empty. The reason soon became obvious enough, with a man soon going up to the stage who really would have been a joke if not for the fact that he really looked like a nice guy who just wasn’t good enough. He tinkered with the instruments on stage for a whole hour, but couldn’t play a single song. He either stopped halfway through a song, apologizing for wrong chords or else wrong pitch, otherwise he’d just forget the lyrics and let the song fizzle out. The ones who had stayed at Wineflair were nice enough to applaud his every effort tho. That’s nice, I guess.

But ah well. I’m just glad that Man Utd finally won something.

Grins.

Mark 8:34

Its been an exciting day all in all. So much so that even though I only slept 3 hrs the night before, I can’t sleep. Or mebbe it’s the 5 cups of coffee I’ve had.

Through a weird confluence of events, I ended up driving Simon’s car back from church to his place, and it was just abt the most nerve-wrecking experience ever. It’s a BMW, for goodness sake. I even had a send a common friend back in his car, all the way in unfamiliar-territory-for-me Serangoon. Thank God the car came back in good shape.

Grins.

Arsenal lost tonight, and is now behind Blackburn. So my comment abt a certain pathetic red club is again proven to be spot-on. Tonight’s the League Cup Final between Wigan and Man Utd. Tee hee. Can’t wait.

Anyway, today at DM, Weixiu invited a friend called Ivan down, to give us BS on the book of Mark. Mebbe cos the topic touches at the core of something that’s personally very relevant to me, but I started from being very lost at the start of the BS, to being perhaps just a tad too eager to push home my own point. He was talking abt dying to the self as being something very central to the gospel, since the crown jewel of the gospel is the Cross, whilst we all are called to die to self so we can follow Christ.

The topic veered off from there into a discussion of how much we sugar-coat Christianity to make it palatable to others. So we always emphasize the God who heals, who delivers, who saves, who blesses, who loves… etc. Seldom, if ever, do we hear messages that tells us being a Christian involves sufferings and hardships of all sorts. Somehow we don’t really need Jesus’ assurance anymore to “Take heart, for I have overcome the world.” Somehow we seem to have overcome the world on our own already.

I think since almost 2 yrs ago I’ve felt that we’ve been too eager to emphasize what’s beneficial to ourselves abt Christianity (salvation of our souls, fellowship of believers, a Tower of refuge, a Friend who’s always there), and we’ve very conveniently shunted out the many times the Bible says “In this life you will have tribulation”, or the times Jesus time and again reminded the disciples that “WHEN you are persecuted for My name’s sake…” We quote successful examples of Christians who’ve climbed really high on the social ladder and exhort them as role models of testimony for God, whilst neglecting the obvious fact that practically all of the characters in the bible went against the grain of the social hierarchical system to be a giant for Christ.

And so even as I feel that to turn around and trumpet suffering as the ultimate calling for a Christian might be throwing the baby out with the bath water, I think its safe to say that our tendencies make it very hard to overstate the case whenever we make suffering a key component of our Christian education. The understanding that we have many things to give up indeed, if we are to ever claim to be denying ourselves and following Him. The appreciation of the fact that Success and Prosperity theology goes against every grain of the biblical principle that we’re not called to hoard possessions on earth. The realization that ‘excellence’ and ‘efficiency’ are words that belongs in the corporate world – while ‘grace’ and ‘forbearance’ are the words that need to take centre stage in any ministry.

I could go on.

I realize that even I myself am not immune to these expectations. When my life started to unravel and fall apart I was like the man in “The Parable” of Larry Crabb’s “Shattered Dreams”. I started with a self-righteous faith in God that He really has a plan for me. Then the self-pitying appreciation of myself, for my decision to stick with God despite my circumstances. And finally, without realizing when or how it happened, it all turned into a bitter outburst at God for abandoning me to my fate.

Yet the journey back from such a road as this has helped me value these valleys in every person’s life. Because a in a sugar-coated gospel, you will only ever find yourself and your met expectations. But a walk in the valley is the only time you will ever meet with God.

For the moment now, at least, I understand a little bit more abt why Larry Crabb says God shatters all our dreams in order to give us His. That’s what Jesus meant when He told us to deny ourselves, take up His cross and follow Him. Our dreams lead to prosperity, good life and happiness. His dreams led Him to the cross, to pain and to suffering.

We need to trade our comfortable and even our very justifiable dreams for the symbol of a lost cause.

Talk abt becoming God’s own fool…

This Really Takes The Cake

First of all, it was amazing how many pple called to ask how I'm doing after my last post. I'm bewildered, touched, overwhelmed and gratified. I'm doing well enough I guess. As long as I keep letting it out somewhere such as in this blog, I guess I'm holding up pretty well. Really. But thanks a bunch, pple. Appreciate it.

Secondly, I really really am serious abt the dog. I want to get a dog. Again, I emphasize big dog. Not a poodle. Big-ass dog.

Thirdly, the reason I'm blogging at this hr is because I'm giving up sleep. I just woke up from another series of dreams... the last one really needs to go top of my list of absurd dreams. I dreamt that I was in a game of DotA. As in, I'm inside. And I'm running from cover to cover and tree to tree, to hide from the war that's going on.

Trust me, I'm laughing at myself now even as I type this. But a moment ago it was a bloody scary experience. Imagine yourself inside a familiar forest with all kinds of weird creatures running all over, wrecking absolute devastation... coupled with the sense of bewilderment at why you're in that picture and also the panic that you won't be able to get out... It was a damned scary experience man.

I finished reading Paul's Norwegian Wood, and I begin to understand a little why he likes Murakami so much. He really is an enjoyable read. And of course, Norwegian Wood is easily Murakami's most popular book, which speaks for itself what an easy read it is. Nevertheless, it did provoke a lot of thought for me, with a couple of fresh perspectives to consider. Yeah, I enjoyed the book pretty much. Except that it really is yet another book I recently read that waxes at length on the theme of depression and suicide. I would seriously wonder how much did Murakami use The Bell Jar as a reference in writing this book, if he did at all.

Gonna go read my notes now. Hopefully sleep will be a little kinder to me after this.

Lucid Moments

Its been a weird sort of day. I spent the whole day in a rather out-of-the-body experience, being more or less unable to muster much gusto in what I do. Perhaps its the lack of sleep, perhaps its just my mood swings. Perhaps its just my body still aching from the run on sunday... At night I decided to drive out to study, and settled on Plaza Sing. Managed 2 chapters there, then bumped into Gabriel's twinkle group. Erin got a new job so she was treating them to ice-cream. So naturally I had a share of the ice-cream too. Tee hee.

I then had dinner with Paul, then decided to drive down to Sembawang Park to sit by the waters. I felt I really needed to sit down somewhere quiet, and the air was a little still to be at the Thomson Park. Turned out to be a really great idea. There was a nice little breeze going on, with very gentle ripples on the water surface. There was a family some distance away from me, with a kid’s laughter every now and then drifting to where I sat. The sea and the rhythm of its waves always had a soothing effect on me, and I found that my usual very rapid and random thoughts slowed down a little, and I could think better.

Weixiu emailed me just now to say that she thinks my neurosis has gotten worse over the past few blog entries… and perhaps she’s right. Tho personally, I’d say its just that I’ve been a little more open on my blog abt the things that I put up with. I don’t think I’ve said anything recently, that had only lately come to mind. But I really have lately been a little bit more out of sorts than usual. So much so that I completely made a hash out of the worship on Sunday, when I went up there and didn’t know what I was saying. There was a point in time up there where I really didn’t even register what was coming out of my mouth, but the words came out almost subconsciously.

Thus the decision that I really needed to take time out to get myself together.

I sorted out a couple thing things in my head that I’ve been struggling with for some time…

You know how there are things that deep inside you know you need to let go of, but you keep struggling to rationalize why you should hang on to it, and then obstinately cling on to it against your inner conscience? There’s actually a whole series of steps to take… the first and most difficult step is to acknowledge that you know what you desperately want is actually fundamentally wrong despite all your inclinations. Once you get past the self-denial and can acknowledge that its wrong, there’s still a long way to go until you finally decide to stop rebelling against your conscience and plan to let go. Then there’s the long painful journey where you struggle against the decision you made to concede that its wrong and you shd let go. If you ever get this far, the next step is to start letting go a little at a time. You will let go of a little bit, get scared, and then go back to step one again… then the long painful process of retracing those steps all over again will commence, letting go of a little bit more each time. And hopefully, by the grace of God, you will perhaps one day find that you have conquered one of the demons in your life.

Just one.

Which leaves you with another 999 more to go.

They sure weren’t kidding when they said life is difficult… and painful.

And that’s probably why so many of us choose to just take the easy road and drown out our consciences by forcing ourselves to wallow in what we want, thereby convincing ourselves that since we feel so good, its probably the right decision anyway.

I’ve always had very little tolerance for people who live in denial of what I think is so painfully obvious. Like people in MLM who insist to me that its all about helping people, and never abt profit. Like church-goers who totally swear by the prosperity gospel and insist that God has told them He plans to make them rich. Like couples I know who held hands, spent every waking moment together and exchanged terms of endearment all the time yet still insisted that they’re just really good friends and not together. (I once had a champion who bamboozled me by saying "We haven't really broken up. We're just in the together-but-not-together phase." I mean, to me that sounded as good as saying "I'm in the I-love-God-and-I-love-breaking-His-laws phase". Read: ridiculous.) Like pastors and church leaders I encountered who insist that theirs was a well thought-through and well-informed executive decision when its plain they know nothing at all about what they’re saying, but is simply making a conclusion based on bias and preference. Like hypocrites I've befriended who talk a lot about how much they care and cherish their friends above themselves, but never seem to be able to spare any time at all when called upon to give of themselves. Heck, I hardly ever had any patience with many parents who always practice double standards, giving their children the line “I can do it and you can’t because I know better, and you don’t.”

Hehz… you get the picture…

But here tonight, I find myself in the same category as them. I too, have my own dreams, my own fantasies that I cling on to. Even though this year the more I pray abt it the more God has shown me the reality of the situation, I keep clinging on to it and insisting that I want it my way. I insist that if He’s God, He can make it happen my way. I cry out against Him, asking Him why would He want to ruin such a beautiful dream, esp when it doesn’t hurt anyone. I plead with him, arguing that I’m sure He would want to see me happy. I turn my back on Him, hoping that my petulance might exasperate Him into granting my wishes.

And of course, against all this… God stands like a rock against the tide – absolutely immovable, totally unmoved. And finally, this week, exhausted as I am about the whole struggle, I finally have no choice but to acknowledge that I’m wrong.

Grudgingly, unwillingly, and very ungraciously.

A very small step towards rehab, I suppose.

Of course, my reflections were interrupted by disturbing news that reached me at the park, but that’s another story for another day. My day’s work at the park was done, and I had at least reached a resolution for the struggles that I’ve had for a long time. At least for tonight, I can see things a lot more clearly now, of what I need to do, and how I shd get there. Tomorrow when I wake up, it’ll be a fresh struggle to maintain my resolution to not go back to the past, and repeat the same cycle that I’ve been treading.

I just thought I shd put it down here tonight to remind myself, after I wake up.

I Feel Fat

Woke up this morning realizing I sent a msg wrongly last night, asking someone else to wake me up. Quite an embarrassing way to wake up, actually. Hehz… Then went to wash up and had a rude shock – my whole lip was covered in dry blood. Apparently it had split in the middle of the night. Ran out of lip balm. Either that or I ended up chewing my lips because of all the nightmares I’ve been having.

Yes, I’m back to my disturbed sleep phase again. Hehz… I wake up every half an hr or so, based on how long each nightmare lasts. Thus I wake up groggy, I wake up with a slow reaction, and I wake up feeling like 80 yrs old.

My dreams?

Very wide-ranging… from worships in the chapel that screwed up big time, to ardent declarations of affections that end up with me being violently rejected, to enlisting in NS all over again, to me walking the halls of NUH and getting lost.

Yes, no correlations whatsoever, just very random situations that haunt my sleep. Of course, the classic one I keep having that keeps making me jump up awake is the one where I suddenly think I overslept for my exam already. I wake up and find that its still February, 0645 in the morning at that too.

Sigh. Mebbe I need therapy after all. I can think of a few. My Fiona coming to tell me she likes me, Man Utd winning the League and Carling Cup, getting straight As for my papers, winning a Mini Cooper in some competition, striking lottery big time, waking up to realize I’m actually really really smart… that kindda thing.

Hehz…

Weather in S’pore is now back to that unbearable state that leaves me aircon hunting all the time. Not exactly the most conducive environment to be mugging. Real Madrid last night lost to Arsenal, while Liverpool lost to Benfica. So the club everyone thought would win ends up losing, while the pathetic little red club actually trumps the big bullies from Spain. Life’s like that all the time, I guess. Gives me hope. I just keep plugging away, and my breaks will come sooner or later.

Morning Reflections

This morning I took time out for QT and for some personal reflection. And I started asking myself what sort of person I am, and how consistent am I with what I believe. So I started looking to my values, and to what I always profess. Then I look at my actions, my lifestyle, and I start comparing it with what I had professed.

It wasn’t a good report card…

There really are some out there whom I believe to live a life of integrity, who don’t go out of the way to hide what they really are like, so that their thoughts, their words and their life all correspond accordingly. Bernice and Henry come to mind. So does Weixiu. And Anthony. All the rest of us tends to be pretty good with our façades, only letting in on the very best parts of our lives to others.

I always said before that one thing I hate the most is to have been lied to, and to have been cheated. If there’s one thing I find it very hard to forgive in a friend, it is to find out that they have been dishonest with me. By the same measure, friends who have showed themselves to have misrepresented themselves to me for their own benefit likewise causes me to lose a lot of my regard for them, and I find myself unable to look at them in the same light again. I’ve had occasions where long after I knew what was going on, some friends of mine kept denying the situation until it was impossible to deny it any longer. They then apologized, they tried to make it up… but on my part I had already let go of the friendship. We still talk, but I guess I no longer bother much with them anymore.

Next to that, I guess the one thing I really appreciate the best in friends is integrity. People who always can tell me how they feel. Even if their opinions are the direct contrast of mine, I value it for the sentiment of candor and openness that it conveys. It also reflects a person who isn’t out to please, but is able to be genuine and real to me, for who he/she really is. Some of the best moments of my friendships with people I got close to over the years have been built upon the basis of differing values.

Josh MacDowell once said that we all need to be careful of the things we abhor, because it is invariably because we see it in ourselves. We likewise usually value the things that we hope to cultivate in ourselves. And so I guess therein lies the clue to myself, and the kind of person I’ve been.

I’ve been a people-pleaser all my life. Never one to stamp my own opinion except pugnaciously, I’ve always been quick to give deference to what those around me actually think, and to suppress my own thoughts. It makes me to be a very easy-going friend, thus perpetuating the myth that I’m a person who readily makes friends. But such a way of relating to people tires me out. And perhaps what started out as courtesy on first acquaintance soon turns into insincerity and hypocrisy on subsequent associations.

So that’s something for me to work on myself for this year. It might be a little late for New Year resolutions, but I guess there’s no point making any back then, and no point in not making any now. Hehz…

Then I looked at the values I profess. I talk abt loving God... but He hardly ever gets a mention here. I talk abt how much I value my family, but I always let what I want take priority over my family member’s consideration. I talk abt honesty and openness amongst friends yet their common complaint of me is that I’m almost impossible to get to know cos I always close up. I talk abt serving in church yet until now the fact is I still don’t think I’m serving in a ministry where my primary gifting is in, but I’m too lazy to explore the alternatives.

I don’t know if anyone else out there suffers from these same sentiments or struggles as I do. I just know that this probably goes a long way to explaining why I always feel so lousy, so tired, and why I hate myself so much at times.

Honestly, I think I’ve tried.

What’s left now?

Try harder?

I Wonder...

Something about it really drew me to the song when I first heard "Because Of You". I guess when someone sings from a real experience, or wrote the song on a first-hand basis, its just that little bit more different.

I wonder how Kelly Clarkson's parents felt when they first learnt abt this song, and what inspired it. Too often in the family we take each other for granted, and indulge in our immediate passions. We only live to regret our acts years later, when its usually too late already.

(Yeah, my parents fought again.)

Sigh.

***************************

"Because Of You" was co-written by Clarkson, Ben Moody, and David Hodges, and produced by Moody and Hodges. The song is one of Clarkson's most personal as she originally wrote the lyrics when she was only sixteen years old to deal with her emotional pain at the time. Clarkson has stated that although she has grown to overcome her pain through God, she can still relate to the pain of "Because of You". This song has proved to be a world-wide hit.

Years later when she met Moody and Hodges, Clarkson asked if they could write songs with her. She asked them to help her polish "Because of You" for the Breakaway album, but said that she would understand if they disliked the song and wanted to write a new song with her. Instead, both Moody and Hodges were impressed with the song, and along with Clarkson, they polished it into its final form. In this emotional autobiographical anthem, Clarkson laments her troubled family life as she sings: "Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk, because of you, I learn to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt. Because of you, I find it hard to trust, not only me, but everyone around me, because of you I am afraid. Because of you".

As she had with "Behind These Hazel Eyes", Clarkson wrote the video's treatment herself; it was directed by Vadim Perelman. The video is based on a true story of Clarkson's troubled childhood (due to the nature of the video, she asked her parents for permission before it was created). The young Clarkson is played by the seven year old daughter of band member Jason Halbert.

The video starts off one afternoon at the Clarkson household. There, Clarkson and her husband are engaged in a heated argument, and at one point he takes a picture of the family and threatens to smash it. However, he never gets the chance to, as time freezes still and her husband becomes immobile; Clarkson, however, is immune to this. Looking around the corners of her house, she sees a sight that suprises her: her younger self.
Hand in hand, the younger and older Clarkson relive Clarkson's troubled childhood as various painful memories are seen such as the younger Clarkson making a picture for her father to admire, which is then tossed into the sink, and Clarkson's mother making an unappreciated dinner for her father. These events drive her mother to the point of taking pills and crying publicly in front of the younger Clarkson.

The breaking point is finally seen when Clarkson's parents have a physical fight and throw objects at each other. Soon after, Clarkson's father packs his bags, as he is leaving the family; although the younger Clarkson tries to get him to stay, he pulls away. Filled with the memories of her past, the older Clarkson has seen enough and runs back in time to the present. There, time unfreezes and instead of fighting with her husband, they make up. Clarkson's own daughter can be seen walking around the corner.

A Clean Slate

Are there ever things that you never ever recover from? Whether it’s a hurt that ran too deep, painful realizations of an inevitability despite your hope, experiences of life that can never be blotted from your mind, the truth of how all your friends really see you, even the shame that you’ve caused or felt in the course of growing up?

Cos I think I’ve been feeling a little of everything over the past week. Small doses, just enough to remind me that its still around, that it has yet to, and in fact never, been banished from my life. I recall quoting Frodo Baggins before, something he said right at the end before he leaves the Shire for good, “There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold.”

This would have been a week summarized by these words. So that while everything’s more or less fine now, and I’m more or less coping (I’m actually feeling generally happier!!!), I’ve also finally come round to reconciling myself with the fact that things will never ever go back to the way it was. And maybe like Frodo, its time for me to leave the Shire. Because the one place that I always desire to go back to will always be the one place I need to get away from to exorcise my demons.

Its times like this where I wish I had taken up the offer to Monash.

Maybe before I can have a new life again, I really need to die to my old one. Old frens, familiar places, habitual routines… A clean break for a clean slate.

I’d give anything now for $300K and a place in an overseas university.

Hello!!!!!

Sleepless In Singapore

Someone today told me she was asked by a very old friend of hers to be his girlfriend. She kindda freaked out. Hehz… The setting was great… great music, great atmosphere, just the two of them, Valentines’ Day… somehow she had no idea that romance was on his mind… she genuinely thought he was just a very old friend of hers, asking her out for a drink.

I couldn’t help but have this chill run down my spine when I read her sms. Cos that guy’s mistake… could have been mine. Somehow, girls never seem to get it when the guy they’re not interested in is actually crazy over them. God knows I’ve seen enough guys try to come on to Grace. Grins. Hell, I’ve seen enough guys try to come on to so many girls, to actually start thinking guys really shd just leave it to the girls to profess their interest.

Guys, listen up – until you have received word from one of her close friends or otherwise, that she is likewise keen on you, DON’T even THINK abt venturing there man. You set yourself up for just abt the most awkward end of a great friendship.

The Guru has spoken.

Grins.

**************

Anyway, I was driving home tonight when I suddenly nearly crashed the car cos I was so stupid as to look up. Yes, I looked up. And I saw the really really round moon, looking very very big all of a sudden. And I was kindda caught up in it, and my car started veering off the lane. The car on my right started honking me, which was what brought me back to my attention.

Hehz…

So much for not being a P-plate driver anymore…

***************

So many people have told me what a pity it was that I missed Corrine May’s concert. Darn. I wanted to go so badly. Stupid CNY. Stupid Monday Night classes.

Sigh.

**************

I finished "Pride & Prejudice". Finally.

**************

Yes, I can’t sleep. Dreamt last night of my dog… wasn’t a nice dream… dreamt that he was fighting with 6 other dogs, and I had to try to break up the fight. Then the dream shifted and I was walking around my neighborhood, riding my bike. Haven’t done that since I was 14… Then before I woke up, I dreamt I was I was just taking a walk around a private estate neighborhood, and talking to someone. Someone familiar. But I just can’t make out the person’s face.

Yes, right there and then my alarm clock rang and had to be up. Had a long day ahead of me.

Perhaps I overdid the coffee part.

Really can’t sleep.

Supposed to be studying in NUS tmr.

Dammit.