PRETTY Long Post... Be Warned.

Apparently, there've been those who thought that the kind hearted soul who told me that she would have fallen for me, just to make me feel better, was Weimin. Hahahaha... its not her, people. Wake up!!! I said "kind-hearted", did I not????? Grins

Anyway...

Ever felt the kind of pained helplessness when someone you love is hurting, and there is absolutely nothing you can do? Or the kind of helplessness you feel when someone you love is headed for a lot of hurt, but there’s nothing you can do to stop him or her?

The tendency is to always try to interfere… talk to the ones who is hurting, to spend time with them and be there for them… to speak words of encouragement to them, to help them see things your way so that they won’t take things so bad… Then you also try to talk to the other ones who are headed towards that same street, also trying to get them to see things your way, trying to help them avoid going through the pain which you can see coming their way, or else trying to pre-empt what going to happen by overcompensating with being nice for the present. Whether it be a disease that causes it, or BGR that is responsible for it, we all feel the very strong inclination to “do something about it”.

I guess that’s very normal, and at many levels it reflects a very noble sentiment of active concern. After all, there’s truth in the saying “action speaks louder than words”. But I guess sometimes its wiser to read that again carefully, and focus on the fact that words don’t do much, instead of fixating on how much we can do.

I remember sharing with a couple of people recently how stubborn we all are. Each one of us likes to fixate on the things we desire, and we end up hearing what we want to hear. Be it career paths, theological differences, choice of partners, or even diet preferences… we all think we’ve heard and given due consideration to what others have been trying to tell us… and we like to think we know what we’re doing. Thus the ever-popular expression we hear from just about everyone: “I don’t understand why I never saw it that way till now”. (Those who’ve never said that before are forced to pay the price for their myopia until they finally learn their lesson.)

I used to sit back at laugh at these “myopic” people, and quote my sister’s saying, that “stupidity has no cure”. Recently I realized that I too, have actually been guilty of it. Its humbling to suddenly see things the way your friends see it, and realize what an ass I’ve made of myself, assuming that I knew what I was doing when its so clear to their eyes that I don’t. Knowing that Fiona will never have eyes for me, I persist in holding out hope that she will eventually come round to the idea. I even tell myself that I’m willing to take what I can get, and compromise on everything I’ve told myself and many others, how lofty love should be like.

And for a long long time I used to love this chorus that went –

我可以一杯接着一杯
只为了你想要喝醉
在你迷蒙眼神里彷佛才有我的美
我可以一杯接着一杯
只要你留在我身边
就当做是一时气氛美也足够我
反复的回味

And it was only recently that I recognized how such a sentiment, though romantic, absolutely betrays the kind of standards that love should aspire to. How we never should compromise on what love should really be like. If loving me wholeheartedly for who I am and being able to identify with what I am is what love should be, then there is no room to settle for less, just in order to get what I want. That’s not love, that’s selfish desire.

And that’s foolishness.

Edmund recently told me that its obvious I haven’t been able to move on. And dammit, he’s right. “Taking my time” is just an excuse. I guess its time to stop being a fool, and not obsess anymore on what I desire.

But moving on is not easy, as someone very dearly loved is now finding out.

I was asked this question – In our attempt to love like Christ, we love out of ourselves- independent of the object of our affection to a certain extent (i.e. whether that person is worth it or not). So when that relationship is broken, where does that leave love? The one who truly loved knows that it is not possible to cease loving, so now what?

I used to ask that question too.

I guess its impossible to ever tell someone “so now what”… and be able to put down the next 21 states the person goes through before attaining total healing, and move on completely in a way that satisfies every consideration.

But what I’ve learnt is this – that actions have consequences. When we make a bad decision, we pay the price. Too many skipped lectures and you fail to earn your degree, and you lose your scholarship. Plunge headlong into a relationship against the better wishes and advice of those who really care, and you’ll find yourself dealing with the emotional scars that will last much longer than the 4 years you spent trying to make it work.

I guess the fact is we don’t always move on. Some lesser hurts might be forgotten in due time, only stirring so slight a reaction when reminded that we are able to shrug it off as inconsequential. Some hurts will remain, and we bear scars from it that we can never forget or get over… until heaven.

We’re fragile people… and so is our love. The last thing we need to do is make things ten times harder for ourselves, cheapening it by giving it away too easily and then having to pay the price by bearing the scars it leaves us with.

Maybe that’s why I still love very passionately, but am so afraid of ever committing. The hurt you feel when you see someone you desire ending up with someone else is much lesser than the hurt you will go through when you run headlong into “giving it a shot”, and then run out of the whole saga with your heart being broken yet again, and more inside of you dying a little each time.

I recently suddenly remembered one song that just about perfectly sums up the only question that keeps coming to mind whenever I think of taking another shot at a relationship.

一颗心交给谁
我的一颗心交给谁?
交出去会不会后悔?
爱情的边缘一次又一次徘徊。
我的一颗心交给谁?
交出去能不能收回?
付出了感情只怕换来是伤悲。

过去我为爱流过泪,
现在已锁上我心扉,
孤单和寂寞习惯陪我心沉睡。
是否该抛开是与非,
再爱一次也无所谓,
自从遇见你仿佛已经忘了我
忘了我是谁。

我的心应该交给谁?
交给你会不会心碎?
迷惑的眼睛已分不清对不对。

我的心应该交给谁?
交给你会不会心碎?
一颗心交给谁?

- 伍思凯

I’ve been accused before of having a harmful impact on relationships by my negative comments. And maybe its true that what I say really doesn’t help make things better. But I guess in my defense the worst I can be accused of, is accelerating the process that leads to the inevitable outcome… Because the helplessness that I mentioned at the start of this post proves to me that at the end of the day, we ourselves are responsible for where we end up… no matter what others say, we will never see things their way, until in the deep recesses of our own minds we finally see what others have always been seeing.

I guess at the end of the day, that helplessness is a good thing… because it forces us to be reminded that at the end of the day, there is nothing that we can do except through prayer, and nothing we can’t do with prayer.

Ah well. So much for all the relationship nightmares that are springing out every corner imaginable…

All that drivel about relationships aside... I’m actually happy that PAP won the elections. Tee hee. I know many people like Diana will explode when their read this. But at the end of the day, I vote for who can do the job. And when I survey the opposition, I think I’m ultimately still glad that the ones I think are more capable are the ones running the show.

Ruud Van Nistelrooy is leaving Old Trafford, and good riddance too, I might add. I’ve always been a sucker for loyalty… but for a player who shows an ego that is bigger than the club and spares no consideration for team ethics, I think they deserve to be shipped.

England’s not going to make it into even the quarter finals of the World Cup. Erikssson chose 4 strikers… one with a broken foot, one still recovering from a broken foot… one who only scored 7 goals all season, and the last one who is only 17 and hasn’t played a Premiership game before. I’m tempted to bet on the English goalkeeper scoring more goals than the 4 strikers combined.

Happy Birthday Henry!!!!

Hehz...

To think that I've known him for so many years, but only really started sharing and talking with each other through a common experience of being deeply hurt. I guess being one of the rare few within my inner circle of friends who doesn't read my blog, I really don't tell him enough just how much he's come to mean to me in my life, as a role model of integrity, steadfastness, humility and gentleness.

But anyway, whether he reads this or not, Happy Birthday Henry!!!!

Let's Talk Abt Love... Yet Again. Grins.

I had a conversation today that went something like this –

Her: Well, I guess love is blind then.
Me: Hey, I’m counting on love to be blind, actually. Only way I’ll get a girl to fall for me.
Her: Honestly, if I weren’t attached, I might just end up falling for you.

Hehz… my ego trip of the day. Bless that girl’s heart, willing to risk the wrath of God by telling me a lie like that, just to make me feel better.

Just wanted to have something good to say abt my day.

There’s more. Grins.

I actually had a really good time this evening.

I went back to CK’s cell. I always have this very strong urge to beg off before I drag myself there, but I inevitably end up having a very good time there everytime. So on my way back I started to think abt my other cell group, and how I curiously have exactly the opposite experience. I go there without any need for urging, but I inevitably end up feeling more tired after cell than I do before. And ironically, both cell groups’ bible study has been pretty sterile for some time now.

CK’s cell group’s bible study is so murky and disorganized, I’ve seen spontaneous coffee-shop table talk abt the bible with more intent and purpose. Weiqi’s cell group, on the other hand, tends to fall into the opposite extreme, being so caught up with getting the right answers across, that I feel like I’m attending lessons on menstrual biology and being asked to apply it in my own life as a male specimen of the human race.

So what makes me tick inside CK’s cell?

I remember Henry sharing with me more than once, that the kind of relational giving that is so evident in CK’s cell is the legacy of Wanxian. How she modeled for the whole cell group what it means to give selflessly at the expense of self, to love those around her with the love of Christ. Just talk to Ann about cell group for 15 minutes, and I’ll bet my life that she’ll share with you the testimony of how Wanxian was the one who showed her that Christ’s love is real. I used to sit there and marvel at Ann’s recounting… asking myself (for all the concern that I think I’m exerting myself to show to those I care for) whom do I know who will be able to testify to others that I have similarly been Christ’s ambassador of love to them. And I am humbled by just far off the mark I am, when it comes to loving people the way Christ would have wanted me to.

1 Cor 13:7 – “It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

Love is patient, love is kind... so the passage starts. But if it does not “always hope” nor “always persevere”, then I suppose it might as well not have been kind nor patient to begin with. I dread to think of the people in my life that I have lost my faith in through impatience or repeated disappointments… telling myself how he or she isn’t worth my time and I shd move on and engage my time more efficiently and fruitfully. (After all, we are called to be good stewards of the time God gave us, so I convince myself.) And even though I think in that instance I had a legitimate justification for ignoring him, Jackson actually does come to mind.

If Wanxian had decided to move on and leave Ann to her obstinate refusal to listen to counsel, Ann would not be around in church today. And there would have been no legacy in CK’s cell.

You know, anybody who comes into Weiqi’s cell group with a checklist of what a cell group ought to have and the standard it ought to measure up to, the cell will have no problem passing the review. Yet somehow I suspect that CK’s cell group will win hands-down if both cells were asked to provide testimonies of how their cell group has been a pillar of strength to them in their times of need… emotionally, spiritually, and especially practically.

And the lesson I learnt from this… is a brand new appreciation of how cheap talk really is. All of us at Weiqi’s cell spoke of how we think we want to see more commitment taking place, so that we can grow deeper and share more openly. We all could give very concrete examples of what we think a good cell group should be. Yet when asked to state our commitment, everyone of us gave the most generic answers we could think of, to beg off having to pay the price. Our core group within the cell came up with a lot of good ideas of the things we need to do in order to improve the cell… yet nobody was willing to offer more of his or her own time – we sit there hoping someone else will volunteer their time… and when no one does, we think of arrowing someone outside of the core group to do the dirty work.

I turn to Henry and Bernice, and I see two people who stick to their principles, and walk their talk. They don’t talk big. They delight in the very simple and basic. But they match it up with their full commitment. I’ve never once heard them begrudge someone else for not offering their time, saying something like “If only he’ll be less involved in this and that, he’ll have plenty of time to serve and help out in this.” Instead, they quietly set out to just do the best they can, and model what servanthood should look like. Which is why I am always so humbled whenever I serve beside the two of them.

Identifying what’s wrong and pointing out who or what’s to blame for it is really the cheapest gift Christians have today. I know. I’ve used that ‘gift’ often enough. And maybe that’s why I’m starting to grow a deeper appreciation for people around me who just quietly do the best that they can, and leave the big talk to others.

After all, that’s what servants do, isn’t it?

Let's Talk About Love... Again. Grins.

Ever heard of the question “Can God make a rock so big that He can’t lift it up”? Or something to that effect? I used to get that all the time. And like the fool that was, I was actually seriously troubled by that question. In my understanding of God, He was omnipotent. So surely He could do it. Thus I replied that “He could – just that He chose not to”. I walked away, satisfied that I had defended God sufficiently – only to be called a moron. And now I see why.

As I grew older, and understood who God really was, I began to appreciate that even He has “limits”. There are many things He can’t do. He can’t do evil. He can’t hate what is good. He can’t be unjust. So of course not being able to create a stone that will make a fool of Him will go under that same list of things He can’t do. Not being able to do those things doesn’t limit Him, doesn’t mean He’s not omnipotent. Not being able to do those things are simply the result of Him being who He is.

And when I finally saw that, I was amazed at how I needed to re-think and re-look at my concept of God. I realized that my understanding of God needs to take on a new level of complexity, where I see things from more than just one dimension.

So naturally, when I’m thinking abt the greatest attribute of God, I need to apply that same paradigm shift.

Someone declared to me tonight that “love conquers all”. Although in context it was said in jest, I started wondering abt the truth of that statement. Is it true? Can the greatest attribute of God be counted upon to prevail against the greatest of setbacks and obstacles? So that I can sincerely use that as an apology when conventional wisdom tells me that differences whether in temperament, background, culture, education or even affluence can kill off a relationship? So that I can even justify to myself what the Bible teaches abt being unequally yoked, and hope that in due course love will prevail… that the love between the couple will somehow bring abt a resolution where the greater Love of God will triumph?

I used to be a believer.

Now I’m not so sure.

Examples of love conquering all are few and far between, measured up against the myriad of examples that chronicle the doomed attempt at love between such different parties. It would seem more like a special dispensation of grace from God that allows these extraordinary examples to exist on earth, almost as a reminder that there is a greater love out there than what we mere mortals are capable of. Otherwise, love itself, is also subject to wisdom and reason.

The grounds for expecting that love is capable of failure under certain circumstances is thus not unreasonable, nor does it lessen the power of love. It should not diminish the romance and idealism of it either. It ought to enhance it, knowing that in actuality there really isn’t a clash at all between the heart and the mind. They both have an equally important part to play, so that love can be whole and complete, not lacking in anything.

“Love conquers all”, so often something we like to chant as a mantra, in this sense becomes like the question of God and the rock. It is guilty of a deliberate immaturity that avoids the tough questions that genuine love will have to address. And in that sense, it is also guilty of blaspheming what love really is, a blasphemy against God Himself, who is Love. Love is hard work. It is about being able to put everyone above self. It is about long cold nights spent thinking of what it expects and entails. It is about making the tough decisions and doing what is right. And love needs to be properly dignified with the weighted considerations that allows what we hold the dearest to our hearts to be exposed to the test of scrutiny, to be tried and not found wanting.

Only then can we honestly look at ourselves and be able to love unreservedly and unabashedly.

And guess what – if you ever find someone who can walk beside you and stand up to such a test, treasure him or her. Because such a love is really one-in-a-billion.

So think carefully, the next time you think you have what it takes to love, and to commit to someone.

Expects Of Love

(Hehz... so it was a lame pun. Sue me.)

And so I was musing to myself tonight as I was driving back home…

When does an affection for someone spill over into an overt attraction? And when does liking someone turn into loving someone?

A girl once told me before she rebuffed a guy who declared to her how passionately he loves her. “You don’t even know me that well” was her dismissal. She ain’t the first to do so, just as he ain’t the first guy to have told a girl so, only to be sent packing.

So how?

I was also reminded very very recently that one needs to be very careful when promising a girl the moon, or even just promising her his undying devotion, because girls take that stuff very seriously. When you fail to measure up to what you carelessly pledged in the heat of passion (harmlessly, so you thought), it matters a great deal to her, and has the power to hurt her very deeply when you fail to live up to it.

So how do I go up to a girl and declare the depths of my affection, without ever coming out as a liar? Telling her I “like’ her sounds woefully inadequate, yet it seems that if I tell her how much I “love” her, I would find that soon enough my actions are woefully inadequate to justify the use of such a strong word. As Ravi Zacharias once declared before, the word “love” has become one of the most used and abused epithet.

No wonder they say love is a trap.

Hehz…

I suppose that’s why they also say “love” is a leap of faith. Because persuaded as we might have been in the sincerity and genuineness of our professed love and devotion, we can never know for sure if we really meant it. Conversely, when our partner gives us that same promise, we are left in grave doubts as to whether or not he or she was being at best overly-confident, or at worse merely glib.

The one who truly loves would usually be the one who most acutely feels his or her inability to live up to the ramifications it entails. That would serve as the excuse for some who tell their partners they don’t dare to say they love them. Perhaps that’s the road Grace took, the excuse behind why she would tell me she never could decide if she loved me.

Yet somehow the “nobility” of that sentiment is tainted by the sense that it is a cop-out of what love really is. Our inability to absolutely live up to our avowal of love is no reason to therefore run away from the burden of committing to try. I would say that true love carefully and responsibly considers the implications, makes the promise to love, then spends the rest of its life trying again and again to live up to that promise.

Hard work?

You bet.

That’s why the nature of love is to be self-abasing. To borrow it out of context, love always says “you must increase, and I must decrease”. To run away from the courage one needs to make such a promise ironically ends up hurting the most deeply, the very one whom the person originally intended protect from let down expectations.

I guess if I ever do summon the courage to fall in love again, I would rather risk the disappointment of a love that at times fail to match up to my expectations, rather than to be hurt again by a relationship rendered sterile by the lack of courage to commit.

In other words, I think when I go after a girl, I’d tell her “I love you” instead of “I like you”.

Grins.

Hopefully when I do so, I won’t be sent packing.

Whether its by her, or by… erm… him.

Wuahahahaha…

i carry your heart

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

- e.e.cummings

Only Words

Couldn’t sleep last night. Had the same bad dream over and over again for almost the whole night. Wasn’t a nightmare, per se, but just one of those dreams that disturbs you no end.

Ever heard a song and felt like it was tailored for you? That down to its very last word, it seemed to be talking about you and what’s going on in your life? I’ve loved many songs, and identified with even more… but songs like what I just described comes along only once in too many years… but when it does, you never get sick of listening to it, marveling at how the writer seemed to have brought out just about everything you were unable to properly and succinctly sum up. To add music to the words just gave it an effect that magnified its impact a hundred times more.

I suck with words. People who think I’m glib usually say so based on the impression of confidence that I like to project in order to hide my actual deficiency with them. But at least I have a barely adequate appreciation of it. Or perhaps its really because I’m so bad with them that I get so enthralled by what I perceive to be very beautifully strung together words and phrases, especially in lyrical form.

Whatever the case.

I wish I could write better…

Hehz…

In the meantime, all I can do is marvel at those whom I make out to be good writers, and delight in their works.

Ever Wondered Why?

Why is it that when part of you wants something so badly, its so hard to actually hear and accept what everyone tells you, or to actually do what you know is right and expected of you?

Okie, so I'm actually talking about myself.

One of those nights when I ask myself why is it always my spirit that is willing, but my flesh that is weak? (Would converting my fats into muscles make my flesh any less weak???)

Grins.

Sorry.

Couldn't resist.

To Be Or Not To Be...

"问世间情为何物,直叫人生死相许？"

Watched finish Condor Heroes. Above is just abt the most famous line in practically the whole anthology of Jin Yong’s period novels. In light of what’s been going around the past couple of days, I guess it made what the show questioned doubly poignant.

Someone said to me last night that I’m the kind of guy who wants the girl to tell me that she likes me. And that’s true, I guess. I can see why she said that. But pardon me, that’s not wholly true.

Watching the show made me wonder… I was very struck by the kind of devotion shared by Yang Guo and Xiao Long Nu. Ignoring the opinions of everyone in the world is usually the easiest thing to overcome in a relationship. The courage to believe that the other person genuinely loves you is just abt the hardest thing to do. Anyone who has been hurt before will testify to the almost unbreakable instinct for self-preservation, where one no longer dares to love with the same degree of abandonment as before. The first cut is the deepest, they say. And once its been made and the walls have gone up, they usually stay up.

So it was with those before me, so it is with me, and so it will be with those who come after me.

I guess asking the girl to assure me of her affections is my selfish way to protect myself. I spent 4 years walking down the one-way street, and its not a path that’s easy to walk out of. I told myself I never want to go down there again, but given my amazing inclination to do what’s ridiculous and stupid, I guess this was one way of trying to preserve myself.

16 long years of separation…and they could tide over it. Today we talk abt how overseas studies can kill a relationship. I know its just a story, but as I sat watching the show and thinking to myself abt putting it in context of today’s relationships… what came to mind is the fact that one person’s commitment can sometimes be what surfaces the other person’s. Commitment to each other cannot be renewed by one party alone. I can only be as sure of her as she is sure of me. As your commitment to me wanes, so will mine to you eventually weaken.

Take heed, all you out there in a long-term relationship. Love is hard work. What you get from the relationship will only be as good as you give. Too easily the flutter of a heartbeat is all it takes for us to convince ourselves that we’ve thought things through properly already, and can work things out. Only upon the aftermath of our failures do we own up to our own short-sightedness. The ones who learn their lessons will admit to their fault. Those who never develop that maturity will continue to blame time and chance, and fault the circumstances that led up to the breakdown and inevitable breakup.

Hopefully by the time I find someone in my life, I’d have grown up enough to not only know this, but to actually practice what I preach.

Amazing

I had a pretty morose day, as one by one everyone around me was having a terrible day. Nobody seemed to be having it good... even the weather was terrible. I actually have to dig pretty far back for memories of a time when things seemed to be so bad.

I ended the day by waiting with my dad in this condo, for my mom to finish something, so that we can all go back.

It suddenly started pouring, and it was one of those open-air carparks with just a shelter overhead.

I decided to just get out and soak in the whole atmosphere of the rain. With the strong wind blowing, I pretty much got myself all wet even tho technically speaking there was a roof over my head, but things just suddenly changed.

I opened my mouth, and was about to start griping, when I began to instead notice just how beautiful everything in the rain looked. The trees swaying, the rain pouring down, even the sound of the rain... I started telling God how beautiful everything there looked... and suddenly I lost my urge to complain... so I started singing "How Great Thou Art" instead, and just soaked in the rain and the epiphany in equal proportions.

Gosh... I don't think that has ever happened to me before.

Mary Vs Martha

Was preparing to lead bible study on Saturday night, and one of the passages that I read was on Mary and Martha. I always had made the more direct equation between Mary and Martha as two polemic examples of Christians… one group who sought to please God by doing things… and the other who was able to recognize that the best thing to do is seek God, and not just seek to please Him.

But that night I suddenly realized what Jesus was actually talking abt was more than just the very actions we display, but our very hearts’ inclinations. For example, I realized that my prayer life was exactly like Martha. When I sit down and close my eyes, I can never focus and concentrate on what I am praying abt. My mind inevitably wanders off to something else – an appointment I nearly forgot abt will suddenly be remembered, a promise I made that I have yet to keep will surface, even something that someone said which bothered me more than I cared to admit will abruptly show up in my mind. I realize that I have great difficultly in doing what Mary did – sit at the feet of Jesus, and be still.

And so I like going to the park… somewhere with enough privacy, but not too isolated. I distract myself by walking, forcing myself to at least keep part of my mind on something, to prevent it from wandering in all directions. I realized that’s why I pray better in a group, where the one on my left and right helps me to keep my focus… everytime my thoughts wander and I pay attention to what the ones around me are praying for, I’m reminded of what I’m supposed to be doing straight away, and I can pull my attention back where it belongs.

Lots of things have happened this week, and for me its been a rather emotionally draining week. So much that by Saturday night I decided its time to force myself to take a break, or risk a breakdown. So I cancelled a much looked-forward-to trip to Villa Bali for drinks, two very very good matches taking place at night (Spurs Vs Arsenal, Liverpool Vs Chelsea), and I also gave the 125th Anniversary thing a miss. Turned out to be the best decision I made all week. I sometimes forget to control myself when I drown my pensiveness beneath a whole deluge of activities, and I end up heading for a burnout due to very different reasons. Somehow this time round I had the discipline and awareness to check myself.

I ended up having a really good time today both at the Levites Ministry meeting, and Zhang Mu Shi’s bible study.

I also finally found out who my friendly neighborhood blog-stalker, AnonX, really was. I shd have suspected it was him, given his anti-Microsoft stand which he put down when I talked abt MSN. Hehz… Ah well.

Second piece of good news in a week.

But I think that’s abt it with the good news.

I was praying to God last night that I need to wake up from the fantasy I cling to that a soulmate will cure a lot of my worries, and I will be able to stand a little straighter than I do right now. Because it won’t. My heart will feel lighter if Fiona today accepts my feelings and reciprocates. It’ll last all of 24 hours (36, if I’m lucky) before the burdens of a relationship has me bending over double of what I was doing before I was in one. I want to be able to trust that my shattered dreams are really the best things that could have happened to me, if I can but have the resilience and maturity to face up to it instead of running away.

“Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides You.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is the strength of my
heart
And my portion forever.”
- Psalm 73:25-26

I remember being very deeply moved by this Psalm when I first read it… all too often it is my heart and flesh that fail. A heart that is prone to wander and give itself away to anything except God, and my flesh that never seems to be able to muster up the strength to do good… the Psalmist captures these two weaknesses and says that “God is the strength of my heart”, the One whom I can learn to daily surrender to, and not ever compromise because of my own weakness.

Of course, part of me knows I’m talking nonsense – I’ll continue to compromise and live for lesser dreams, allowing myself to give in to what I know is a temporal relief simply to numb the pain I feel right now. But as I heard say before, the journey of a hundred miles begins with a single step. Hopefully each time I sit down and reflect again on this, and remind myself yet again of this same lesson I first learnt so long ago, I’m taking one small step each time towards completing my journey.

Men Vs Women

I received this on my email, and I thought it was so hilarious I decided to put it up here.



Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend’s house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over… and two claimed that he was still there.

Taking The Plunge

I kept hearing the song “You’re Beautiful” today. First was on the radio as I was driving my parents somewhere. Quickly switched it in a hurry. Then I was walking around the DIY shop at Thomson Plaza, where I heard it again. Next was at Raffles Hotel, in one of the shops we were walking into before my family had dinner there. Then right before I sat down at the PC now to type this out, its playing on the radio again.

*sigh*

I used to think that its pretty dumb to be looking out for signs in everyday life… But FOUR times in one lousy day… If nothing else it speaks of the irony in my life… what with the theme of wistful love that I brought up in my previous post… Hehz…

Don’t think I could have chosen a more apt song to express the sentiment. (Stop grinning, you-who-know-who-you-are…)

Things aren’t going too well for me right now. Man Utd more or less lost the plot over the weekend, and watched their own title chase evaporate. My exam saga doesn’t look too optimistic… and this week I haven’t been sleeping well because I’ve been camped out at Marbella. Not to mention the on-going drama in the lives of a few around me…

A recent article said something that I really liked. “The perils of the future are vivid in my imagination. But because they exist only in the realm of imagination, the only comfort available to me is just as imaginary.”

I think I belong to the category of people Jesus was staring meaningfully at when He taught the crowd “Do not worry, for tomorrow shall have its own worries.” I’m always one of the first to speak up against a new plan or new idea, always the first to shoot holes in every proposal. And sometimes, I think I really can’t help it. I mean, I’m not deliberately out to be a nay-sayer… I honestly see the plans as being unworkable. I’m always amazed at people who have boundless optimism that things will work out, and on more than a few occasions the expression “Just try… you never know, it might work after all…” has left me exasperated. I wonder at how little these people are aware that actions have consequences, and that everytime you try something, there’s a cost to be paid for its failure. Do it too many times and you bankrupt yourself in some way.

No doubt on their part, I’m one of those guys that the optimists hate to the bone. The ones they can’t stand, frustrated at my apparent lack of interest or motivation. Angry at my passive mentality, and my disruptive attitude towards the momentum for change that they are trying to initiate. Someone whom they really can’t understand… “How can he ever be so negative about everything? Why can’t he ever see the good in anything???”

I think I have much to learn from the optimists. Too many years of branding myself a “realist” instead of the grouch that I am, has led me to live a life that tries too hard to be safe. I’ve always delighted in what’s “safe” and “familiar”, and didn’t dare to venture into what is yet unknown or untested. Somehow that has been something that colored my entire perspective of life. I’m reminded of the song “The Rose”, and what it said…

It's the heart, afraid of breaking,
That never learns to dance.
It's the dream, afraid of waking,
That never takes a chance.
It's the one who won't be taken,
Who cannot seem to give.
And the soul, afraid of dyin',
That never learns to live.

Taking risks. Daring to let go and take a plunge. Boldly moving on from where I am right now. Courage to make some extravagant and audacious decisions in life, and throw caution to the wind.

The alternative is to choose my current state of inertia, and embrace the logic that “it could be worse out there if I move on. Safer to stay where I am and lick my wounds.”

My mom again asked me today if I’d consider going overseas to do my degree. I’ve let the chance slip past me once already. I‘m wondering if I’ll be really stupid to give it up again for a dream everyone’s telling me to put down.

Cell group’s thinking of making a few drastic decisions, including a proposed splitting. My instinct was to resist that idea, given our track record for making hasty and irreversible decisions that do permanent damage. Yet a part of me is agreeing that perhaps that really is the way forward.

I’ve been challenged to explore my own calling in ministry. I’ve said it so many times, that I don’t think worship is my primary calling, because it doesn’t seem to be my primary gift. I seem to be better relationally rather than musically. Yet to explore how the relational aspect of my gift might be used in ministry, I need to equip myself more firmly in the Word, and get down to the hard work that I’ve been running away from.

And of course personally, I need to stop running away from the obvious problem in front of me, and dare to take a giant step forward in moving on, and letting go. It seems that the struggle is a daily one, because the decision to do so can be made one night, only to find that the struggle returns the next morning. Daily surrender requires a lot of discipline and courage.

By next week I should know how my exam situation has worked out. I’ll have to explore a few of my options then, and make a few decisions. I don’t want to take the riskier option just for the sake of it, but I need to move on from my state of wary hibernation, to finally moving on with my life.

God give me strength…

Sigh. I Shd Get A Tagboard.

'Nuff said.

11 Words

I always meant this PostSecret postcard to be abt my unrequited affections. Yet all of a sudden its been lent a voice by a few in my life, and their own struggles with relationships. How poignant it must be, therefore, to know that such a struggle is a universal one. While in no way helping to make things better, one can hope that at least it makes one feel better, in the knowledge that it is a feeling that is shared by many out there.

"You will never love me the way that I love you".

11 words, that betray a personal hurt so deep, that, when it finally comes out of one's lips, has the power to injure the person that it was directed at.

I asked myself - would I prefer to be in the shoes of the one who loves more, or in the shoes of the one who is loved more - and I guess there was no doubt abt it... I'd choose to be the one who loves more everytime.

Maybe its cos I'm weak... It can be so much easier to give than to receive... giving puts me in the better light, in the better position... opening up about my struggles and admitting I shd do better would leave me in the more vulnerable position, and put pressure on me to do something about it.

Or maybe it really is the right thing to do... if love is abt putting the other above self, shouldn't both our mindsets be abt trying to out-do each other, to love each other more? Love, in a sense, shd be a competition!! Both parties always on the look-out for a way to go one-up over the other, in expressing their affections, and their self-sacrifice. Naturally, it should arise out of an instinctive desire to benefit the other person, and not out of a competitive streak or the desire to "perform" for the other to see.

But here is where I can understand the struggles of those who are going through the pain that the 11 words express... For all I talk abt wanting to be the one who gives and loves more... I can't do it. Haunted by the scars of a broken relationship that failed because I uttered those 11 words... I find myself paralysed by fear when told to fight for someone whom I love. I hide behind the rationale that love is a two-way thing, and if I need to fight and compete - it shows that it was one-sided to begin with... and I'm too scared to ever go down that path again.

I guess for some of us, relationships will be the cross we bear everyday... everyday a reminder that just as we utter these 11 words while thinking abt the one we love... so God gave His life for us in full knowledge of the same... that we will never love Him the way that He loves us. And it will be His example that compels us, and strengthens us, to love - the way that love is meant to be.

Easter Finally Dawns...

So just what have I learnt this season of lent?

Lots of little lessons here and there, peppered across the different days and different meditation materials that I was using. 2 books that I inadvertently eventually picked up to re-read over the 40 days was “A Tale Of Three Kings” and “Shattered Dreams”. Very apt books to be reading, during a season where we meditate on the brokenness of God, leading up to the very breaking of His body on the cross.

I re-learnt the lesson that God is never where you expect Him to be, but He always shows up at the most unexpected of places. Over these 40 days I’ve had my fair share of struggles, of things I’ve had to deal with and things I’ve been asked to let go of. Naturally, I expected God to be near, and help me through it. Naturally, He seemed nowhere to be found. Don’t get me wrong, I still encountered Him lots during this season. But on the things that mattered the most, He inexplicably remained silent.

Re-reading Shattered Dreams again reminded me that the one who wishes to mature in the Christian walk must go through the darkest of valleys. I used to ask myself whether or not its possible for someone to have gone through the very normal pain and struggles everyone goes through – the loss of loved ones, breakups, disease… (all served in manageable doses, of course. For God never lets us suffer beyond what we can endure…) and yet be able to have an extraordinary walk with God. And no, I don’t think that’s possible. David’s trials and tribulations under Saul is legendary. The weight on Moses’ shoulders as he led his people into 40 years of wandering must have been hard. Say nothing of Jesus’ work on the cross, or Apostle Paul’s persecutions… and I‘m convinced that it really isn’t easy to earn Jesus’ accolade “Well done, my good and faithful servant.”

I remember one day talking to Henry abt the faith some of the Christians in China has, and the scars they bear on their body as testimony to the depth of their belief in God… from people who lost their fingers to those who have been bodily mangled… all for the sake of clinging on to the faith they cherish and treasure above their own lives… and I find myself deeply humbled. Who am I to stand here and even think I am assured of my salvation, when I don’t even have a tenth of the faith they have? How would I stand up under such persecution, I asked myself. Chances are, ten out of ten times I would have been a Peter, and denied Christ.

So I guess that’s one lesson I will be forced to re-learn over and over, again and again, until I finally see why God puts me through the trials in my life. The sooner I let go of my own dreams, and learn to trust and desire God, and His dreams for me, the sooner I will be able to move on, and grow in my walk. Till then, as long as I continue to behave like a child who only wants the good I know about, I will always be a child, and be denied the better that God has in store for me.

And each time I deny His plans for my life, I wonder… if He feels the nails all over again...

Watch The Lamb

Walking on the road to Jerusalem,
The time had come to sacrifice again.
My two small sons,
They walked beside me down the road,
The reason that they came,
Was to watch the lamb.

And they said "Daddy daddy,
What will we see there?
There's so much that we don't understand,"
So I told them of Moses, and Father Abraham,
And I said dear children,
"Watch the lamb.
There will be so many in Jerusalem today,
We must be sure this little lamb doesn't run away,"

And I told them of Moses, and Father Abraham,
And I said "Dear children,
Watch the lamb."

When we reached the city,
I knew something must be wrong,
There were no joyful worshippers there,
No joyful worship songs,
As I stood there with my children,
In the midst of angry men,
Then I heard a crowd cry out,
"Let's Crucify Him!"
We tried to leave the city,
But we could not get away,
Forced to play in this drama,
A part I did not want to play,
Why upon this day were men condemned to die,
Why were we standing right here,
Where soon they would pass by?

I looked and I said,
"Even now they come,"
The first one cried for mercy,
The people gave him none,
The second one was violent,
He was arrogant and loud,
I can still hear his angry voice,
Screaming at the crowd.

Then someone said,
"There's Jesus,"
I scarce believed my eyes,
A man so badly beaten,
He barely looked alive,
Blood poured from His body,
From the thorns on His brow,
Running down the cross,
And falling to the ground.

I watched him as He struggled,
And I watched Him as He fell,
The cross came down upon His back,
The crowd began to yell,
In that moment I felt such agony,
In that moment I felt such loss,
Till the roman soldier grabbed my arm and screamed,
"You! Carry his cross!"

At first I tried to resist him,
But his hand reached for his sword,
So I knelt and I took
The cross from the Lord
I placed it on my shoulders
We started down the street
The blood that He'd been shedding,
Was running down my cheek.

They led us to Golgatha
They drove nails deep in His feet and hands,
Yet upon the cross I heard him pray,
"Father, forgive them..."
Never have I seen such love
In any other eyes
"Into thy hands I commit my spirit,"
He prayed and then He died.

I stood for what seemed like years,
I lost all sense of time,
Then I felt two tiny hands holding tight to mine
My children stood there weeping,
And I heard the oldest say
"Father please forgive us,
The lamb ran away.

Daddy daddy,
What've we seen here,
There's so much that we don't understand,"
So I took them in my arms,
We turned and faced the cross
And I said"Dear children, watch – the Lamb."

- Ray Boltz

Losing And Winning

Watched 2 episodes of The West Wing tonight, and I thought that to a certain extent they balanced things out very well. I don’t think I’ve ever been more emotionally touched in all 7 seasons, as the last 2 which featured Leo McGarry dying on election day. What made it twice as poignant was the knowledge that the death was for real, given that John Spencer died last december. (Again, the theme of loss seems to be springing up at every corner.)

They pretty much balanced things out with the Democratic Party winning the elections, and more or less capturing very well the mixed emotions at having pulled off one of the greatest campaigns ever against the tragedy of losing one of their very dearest and best.

I’ve started reading Shattered Dreams again, and there’s been a paragraph that caught my attention. I don’t know if its because I forgot it already, or I never noticed it. But this time round, this passage really stayed with me.

My real problem with God becomes apparent when long-held and deeply cherished
dreams are shattered and He does nothing. And these are good dreams, not dreams
of riches and fame, but dreams of decent health for those I love and for good relationships among family and friends.

Many of your dreams are good dreams too. You want to enjoy family life. You long for a job you really like, one that gives you opportunity to do what is important to you and to be appreciated for it. You aren’t asking for great health or lots of money. But an accident the day after your car insurance lapsed, then your wife coming down with chronic fatigue syndrome – its just too much. You want to serve God as a missionary, but you can’t raise the support you need to get to the field. Your dreams are good. And you’re trusting God as best you know how. But nothing is happening.

Depending on an unresponsive God in the middle of crumbling dreams can be tough on faith. Relating personally with a God who is less responsive than friends with far fewer resources is difficult.

Exactly what is God doing with all His power? At some point in your Christian life you’ll be forced to admit that Jesus didn’t make it on your list of responsive, valued friends. Live long enough, and dreams important to you will shatter. Some will remain shattered. God will not glue together the pieces of every Humpty Dumpty who takes a great fall in your life.

The divorce will go through, the cancer will claim a loved one’s life, the Alzheimer’s will not be arrested (let alone reversed) by the latest drug. The broken friendship will not be restored despite your best efforts to reconcile. Your marriage will not be satisfying no matter how many counselors you consult or seminars you attend. Your singleness will be an intolerable burden. The budding ministry will never materialize. The lost income will not be replaced by money pouring out of heaven’s window.

You’ll feel low for a long time; the dark tunnel will lengthen with no light visible at its end. Your sense of adventure will yield to dutiful drudgery. You will be miserable. Your dream of feeling alive, captivated by beauty and passionately free, will die.

And God won’t do a thing. For a long time. Maybe till heaven.

That’s my problem with Him. Yet He tells us He is our most responsive friend. He insists that, after giving us His Son, He would never withhold anything good.

Then why doesn’t He cure my mother’s Alzheimer’s? Why didn’t He relieve my wife’s back
pain? Why doesn’t He straighten out your shiftless kid and give him back some direction Wouldn’t those be good things for us? Why didn’t He arrange for you to get the education you wanted or steer you in a direction you’d really enjoy?

When we see things rightly, we’ll write His name in capital letters at the top of our list of friends and, with the angels, bow low before Him in adoration and awe. And hope. I believe that.

- Larry Crabb, Shattered Dreams

Larry Crabb based his book on three principles – Firstly, that God really wants to bless us. Secondly, the deepest pleasure we’re capable of experiencing is a direct encounter with God – but we’re not in touch with that appetite and so don’t crave it as we do the lesser appetites. Thirdly, God therefore uses shattered dreams to awaken us to the real appetite that we have inside us for him.

I think… re-reading such a book some time after the first read gave me a whole different perspective, and I’ve come to appreciate it very differently than from my first read. And maybe when I first read it I did so to get some sort of affirmation, that my struggles and questions abt God in the midst of my broken dreams was a legitimate phase of struggle and doubt, that I was supposed to feel that way, and question God the way I did. Maybe I was looking out for that, found what I was looking for and was satisfied. Yet re-reading it again, I am able to now focus and finally see that it doesn’t end there. It ends with a promise that a day will come when I shall dare hope again.

Just like how Christ’s work didn’t end on Good Friday with Him dying there, I find that I am able to face my valleys with the knowledge that there is an Easter Sunday to look forward to, where in Larry Crabb’s words “Pain will have no purpose then, so it will not be allowed”.

I said last year I couldn’t wait for X’mas to come… now I find myself eagerly anticipating Easter Sunday.

Happy Birthday Mini!!!

Well, one of the dearest people in my life grows up today.

Would that she start acting that way as well.

Grins.

Passion Week

So we enter into Passion Week. Starting with Palm Sunday, and a message on discipline.

3 out of the 4 people who know what’s going on tell me its time I learnt to let go. And today’s message seems to be God’s way of telling me the same. Funny how things work out sometimes. I remember one article I posted a long time ago in this blog, and the one line that always stayed in my mind said “The hardest part of love is letting go”.

How apt therefore, that Passion Week for me shd entail such an act of disciplining myself. As the dowager so succinctly put it, if He is willing, He will one day resurrect for me the dreams He wants me to now offer up.

That aside, its been more than a week since I lost my internet connection. Life finally returns to some semblance of norm now that my parents are finally home and I can stop straddling two houses. I crashed the car on wed night, but manfully faced up to the music with my dad. He had his two words to say to me, naturally… but to his credit he soon shut up abt it.

I went for the blood donation today, and gave 500ml!!! My first donation!!!! Hehz… it turned out to be really good fun, getting everyone to sit down together in the room and give blood, cheering each other on. Poking fun at each other also helped loosen the tension of the room as we stared the giant needle down and allowed it to go through us.

I remember thinking to myself the verse that said “He was pierced for our transgressions…”, then I think of how small that needle looked in comparison to what Jesus must have been looking at that night in Gethsemane when He told God “Not My will but Yours be done.” And I thought of my own apprehension at such a small needle… then was struck yet again by just how different and small my capacity to love is, compared to God’s.

How dare I, therefore, claim to love someone… when again and again I expose my own selfishness and self-concern. How can I ever promise to place someone else above myself, and promise to take care of her forever?

Ahem… again I digress…

Hehz…

Weimin’s 21st birthday party on Saturday. It was fun, and I think she enjoyed herself. I know I did. Grins. Man, she’s really grown up now, that girl. Sniff sniff. Hehz…. It was held at Venezia opp our church, inside the Singapore Arts Museum. Was a really nice and quaint little café to hold the event, and the crew were very helpful indeed. Kudos to the dowager for finding such a good spot.

Grins.

Man Utd thoroughly thrashed this pathetic little red club on sunday, winning comfortably by 2 goals to nothing. Tee hee. One of the most enjoyable nights I’ve ever had in Wineflair. Their latest innovation is employ the use of the karaoke instead of having a singer at the stage. Though I really think it is a better decision to make, we now have to endure the occasional enthusiast whose friends just don’t have the heart to tell them they shd surrender the mic instead.

After that my dear Simon sent me back in his BMW, that is due to be scrapped tmr… after this he will be without a car for a month until his new Nissan Sunny arrives in May.

I guess even after the melancholia sets in at night when I’m again back in my room, with the prospect of a futile struggle ahead of me, at least for now I can see plenty to give thanks for, plenty that I am truly thankful for.

I remember hearing this song at Liquid Kitchen on wed night… one of my all-time favorites… thinking to myself yet again just how cruel and ironic life is sometimes. I always saw it as a very sad break-up song. That night I suddenly saw it as a song abt shattered dreams. (Another theme recently that has surfaced very often in conversations with a few friends, all volunteered by them. Yet another of those not-so-subtle signs that God is now flinging into any path I take…)

I guess its clear enough from today’s sermon that the key word this week for me, is the word “discipline”.

Would that I am able to do it.

My Blues #9877685776785745

Sitting in the SMU library right now, feeling kindda sucky.

Just received an email that my exam regustration ran into some problems, because of some administrative problems. Turns out that I might not be in time to register for my exams after all, because they said they haven't received my application to accept their offer of the Bsc Management course.

I think there's probably some negligence on my part as well, but having to deal with Stansfield, RELC and then UOL all separately is really a little stupid. And when I ask anyone what's happening, they keep pushing me to the other side, saying thyey can't help me from their own side. Am now waiting for UOL's reply on the subject, see what they say.

Slightly tempted to feel relieved if I can't take the exams, given how inadequate I feel. The only problem being time. Not that young anymore, I can't afford to waste another year.

Of course, if I am really able to finally pick myself up and move on from Fiona, then I guess there's no hurry for me anymore, since I'll be more or less settling into a resigned state of bachelorhood.

Hehz...

Last night's Champ's League match was good... but feeling pretty tired out now. Tmr prob meeting Henry for lunch and gym. Have quite a few things to discuss with him abt minstry also. And of course, my dear Eric flies off tmr. Next thing I know, my parents will be back already, and the whole week's over.

Of course, there's Weimin's 21st birthday party to plan also. Sheesh. That brat's suddenly 21 already. Amazing how time flies.

Its not been a good week for a lotta pple, apparently. The few I talk to are all pretty troubled by things around them... work, family, BGR, spiritual struggles... its just one of those weeks, I guess, where everyone's world seems to be crashing down around them. My week is bad enough, I guess. But coupled with how I tend to be affected by those around me, its really taken some effort on my part to not allow myself to again sink into melancholia.

I mean, lots of pple will tell me that things aren't really all that bad. And they're right too... Its just that from where I stand, things look a little more grey right now.

And yes, my dear dear other annonymous, there's really nothing to say. Just one of those things that happen, which you can only react to, and deal with it as it happens. Grins. I thank God for all 4 of you who knows what's going on, actually... for your concern and encouragement as I bitch and moan for all its worth. Grins.

Ah well.

As I'm always so fonf of saying... C'est la vie.

What can't kill you usually makes you stronger.

I'm just looking forward to Easter Sunday now.

Life's Cruel Ironies #1762654237298230

Ironic that today's meditations says "Think of occasions when you have felt as though you could not carry on, and ask God to touch and heal the memories."

Peace Amidst the Storm

I once heard someone in a show say to herself “随口说出来的话，往往都是真心的”, and that’s always been something that stayed with me.

They say that the best way to judge a person’s true state of mind is to gauge it by their reaction to what happens. A man who is by nature violent can’t keep up the pretence of gentility when surprised by an incident that usually provokes his outburst.

And perhaps there’s a lot of truth in that saying.

I found that I was very surprised by myself because of my reaction to something that happened recently. I was surprised by the severity of it, and just how much it affected me in haunting my thoughts for the next few days that came. It’s a worrying sign, actually…

First of all it showed me that I actually didn’t know myself that well, and what I thought was under control was actually a lot more than that. Then the realization and paranoia set in, of perhaps how easy it really has been for some around me to figure out what’s happening… then of course is the worry that I’m actually so much more transparent than I thought I was, that the wall I always assumed was around me has actually long since been demolished. As though I had become the emperor wearing his new clothes.

Saturday was a really busy day for me. After barely sleeping three hours, I had to wake up at 7 to go down to the cell grp chalet at Aloha Changi. It was a slow start to the day, but was followed first by our meeting which was a little tiring, then having to drive down to church to attend the core group meeting. That took another 3 hrs plus, and by the time I drove back to the chalet, it was night-time already. I started barbequing at the pit, and finished cooking all the food that remained. Then I sat down and had a little chat with Eric, who showed up. By then I was just about ready to drop dead, and was having a lot of difficulty keeping my eyes open already.

Then the guys settled down for a time of open sharing, and a lot of things came out into the open. Was probably the most exciting part of the night, actually. Grins. We learnt “who was interested in who before”, “who is after who right now”, and “why is it that so-and-so didn’t consider or start something with so-and-so”… Thank God it never came to my turn. Other than Der Biao, no one really knows abt Fiona, so I guess it was a good thing.

Hehz…

By then I was really living on my reserve energy. But I still dragged myself to the car and drove home to sleep because of a lack of beds. Ended up sleeping at almost 5, and got woken up at 9. Ended up going down to church to help with the worship back-up singing. Did a fair amount of work at the gym in the afternoon, and watched King Kong at Marbella with the jogging gang plus Caleb & co.

Dammit. If even a big fat overweight hairy monkey can snag a babe, I don’t understand why I don’t warrant a consideration by any girl the past 3 yrs.

Hehz… of course, I asked myself why is it that I don’t warrant a consideration by Fiona.

Ah well. To cap it all, my internet connection will be down for about a whole week. That’s how long it takes to do a transition between Pac Net and Singnet.

To those guys who have been talking to me abt you-know-what… thanks for all your concern. I whine a lot more than I should, probably because after finally talking to someone abt it after 2 yrs, I end up overdoing it. After all, its already been so long, I guess I’ve learnt to accept things and live with it. Getting over it will be much more difficult. After all, its not like I haven’t tried. But… *shrug* C’est la vie…

That being said, the flurry of activity lately has taken its toll on me. I find myself being a lot more confused all of a sudden, and unable to think straight. It also affects my thinking in the course of the day, as I find myself drifting off and my thoughts wandering back to it again. That’s not good… so close to my exams.

Dammit.

Otherwise, I’m actually looking forward to this week. Lots of things to do, and I feel like this season of Lent has been really really really good to me. I want to capitalize on the momentum, and start making prayer a habit of my life, as it was so long ago.

I really miss those days. To be able to walk in the park for the better part of an hr, just praying aloud to God, and not feel like I was just talking to myself.

Going Crazee!!!!

Hehz...

I'm really going mad. Between bouts of depression and encounters that send me to the moon...

Wuahahahaha...

My still-broken heart was considerably mended by an encounter with Michelle Chia today at Thomson Plaza, where she walked past me, and smiled back at me. Hehz... I'm making progress!!!! I kenna scolded by a couple of people for being too high after that.

Ah well.

The weather was real hot today, and I was telling God that He really shdn't pile more on my depression. I guess He heard... cos an hour later it was raining cats and dogs... gloomy weather to suit my gloomy state, which considerably lifted my mood.

Grins.

Then when things seemed to get better after that, I ended up spending the night at my aunt's place, while my parents caught up on the latest on-going-but-never-ending business of Taiwan Vs China.

But something my friend messaged me perked me up again after that.

Tee hee.

Oh, did I forget to mention how Enoch was such a hero for the cell? He wanted to book Aloha Loyang for the cell chalet, but he ended up with Aloha Changi instead.

Wuahahahaha... Talk abt depressing.

But also amusing la.

Dammit, I'm really going crazy.

I really really am.

The past week I've been dialing the wrong numbers when calling people, and keying in the wrong numbers too when messaging friends. Keep getting scolded left and right. Sigh.

Why??? Why they want to scold me? Why don't they love me???????????????????????????? Hehz...

I shd check for a tumour.

Essentials

I was just whining to my friend just now abt the lack of ‘opportunities’ in church, and even within the Christian field as I continue to wait and look for that special girl to arrive. And so I told him that there have been days when I would seriously consider a non-Christian. He listened very sympathetically to me… then he basically gave me a real tongue lashing.

Hehz.

Ah well. I was asking for it, I guess. Only just this season of Lent I’ve been learning abt the many compromises that I made with my life, and how I need to move away from that. Yet on one of the most impt decisions in life that I’ll ever make, I can’t seem to ever commit myself to doing what’s right. So there my friend was, lambasting me abt how when we stop honoring God with our decisions, we can’t expect God to honor and bless ours…

Shit.

BGR can be such a mess sometimes. But as my “other anonymous” said before, it also is the one thing that most easily makes you hope… which sort of distorts our decision-making process, causing us to come to a bad decision.

I’ve started re-reading The Mystery of Marriage, because I realize that after so much talk lately abt Fiona, I’m getting very confused all over again abt the boundaries and the expectations that I had set down for myself abt a relationship. And actually, that turned out to be a really good decision. Cos it had a really therapeutic effect on me, helping me to calm down again, and see things from a more clinical perspective. It reminded me of a higher ideal that I had determined to set for myself and my future partner, and how much I wanted God to be a key factor in the relationship. (Actually, Henry and Bernice have really set a pretty high benchmark for me to follow oredi… Grins.)

Hehz… I remember a time when I was a little giddy over Jean, and how I struggled to not justify away the fact that she’s a non-believer. I think there were more than a handful of pple ard me whom while on one hand were teasing me abt her, would have prob scolded me if I had been more serious abt asking her out. But on my part there was a real struggle against the temptation to just give it a try la.

Mm… This season of Lent has been really powerful for me. From my rather apathetic spiritual state at the start of it, till we’re somewhere midway through it, the past few sermons have really resounded pretty deeply in my mind and heart. Today’s meditations is on disappointing God, and what it must have felt to Jesus after Peter denied him 3 times. Right on the heels of a rather bitter disappointment myself, I guess it becomes a very powerful lesson for me. Often times I fancied myself rather like a Peter, always the first to stand up for Christ eagerly, very rashly and brashly declaring an absolute and unwavering faith in him… only to betray and deny Him the very next instance.

Of course, the most difficult part is to keep remembering that, and not slip again.

Jean’s birthday is tmr, by the way.

Grins.

Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrgggghhhhh…

I love this song from Avalon. First stanza talks abt how “I could carry on” in the absence of things that matter, and the second stanza talks abt the opposite situation when I have everything… and they contrast it with a decision in the chorus of how carrying on or indulging in excesses would be absolutely meaningless if God wasn’t in the equation.

Simple enough idea, but profoundly poignant in my heart.

Can’t Live A Day
I could live life alone
And never fill the longings of my heart
The healing warmth of someone's arms
And I could live without dreams
And never know the thrill of what could be
With every star so far and out of reach
I could live without many things
And I could carry on, but...

I couldn't face my life tomorrow
Without Your hope in my heart I know
I can't live a day without You
Lord, there's no night and there's no morning
Without Your loving arms to hold me
You're the heartbeat of all I do
I can't live a day without You

I could travel the world
See all the wonders beautiful and new
They'd only make me think of You
And I could have all life offers
Riches that were far beyond compare
To grant my every wish without a care
Oh, I could do anything, oh yes
But if You weren't in it all...

Oh, Jesus, I live because You live
You're like the air I breathe
Oh, Jesus, I have because You give
You're everything to me

Sold-Out

Recently Pastor Grace spoke at the service, and she spoke abt the 30 pieces of silver for which Jesus was betrayed. I never knew till then that 30 pieces of silver was the equivalent of a mere month’s pay. I also had never seen the significance of the contrast that was meant to be made when placed beside the lavishing on Jesus of the woman with the alabaster jar, whose offering was the equivalent of a year’s wages.

Recently in my conversation with Lijuan, I was sharing with her how jaded I’ve become sometimes, in the way I see the world. Everytime I decide to believe in someone, I get burnt. The one time I allowed myself to love I wasn’t merely hurt – I was scarred. I used to be grieved when hearing of friends who proved a disappointment, yet nowadays I seem to have conditioned myself to see it as something that was coming. And so I retreat into a protective shell, incapable of trusting and loving.

And after hearing it all very sympathetically, she asked me one question “Where do you see God in all this?” And I guess after my instinctive reaction of “Duh… huh???”, I realized that she had asked the right question. I’ve become so good at “coping” with life that I’ve pretty much forgotten how to enjoy it anymore. Somehow God has become a forgotten entity in my troubles. I don’t’ think she noticed it, but for just that brief instance, I had to control myself to stop from crying.

Pastor Grace’s sermon was really powerful on hindsight. Its true that I’ve often betrayed God on so much less. When it comes to the “big things” that are wrong, I am naturally averse to it. Instead, it is the small little things in my life that conspire to rob God of the consideration that he deserves in my life. Little compromises of white lies that I tell, indiscipline that I choose to ignore, or the lack of thoughtfulness and deliberations that are due to those around me… they slowly but steadily rob my life of the kind of dignity that befits someone who is meant to be God’s royal elect.

Instead of taking a good look at the state of my spiritual life, I’ve instead been fixating solely on things like my academic studies, my financial reliance, my unrequited affections, my lack of a career… etc.

Instead of giving a proportionate attention to these things in light of a life supposedly given over to God, I’ve sold Him out for these lesser things instead.

I guess tonight its time to let more than just Michael Card speak to me, but its time to seek God again… Just this morning at breakfast with Eric, I was talking to him abt how the older I get, the harder it seems to be to make scripture a joy in my life. Its so much easier to be edified by Christian songs, Christian books, and even sermon recordings. Its much easier when scripture has already been processed by someone else in the form of a book, a song or a sermon, so that we can turn our intended deliberations about God into a brainless activity, just absorbing what comes our way.

I guess its time for me to again start doing scripture memory…

Feeling So Lonely...

A few conversations with different people threw up this topic again, and even though I maintain my stand, the fact is I am alone in this.

I look to so many around me, and it seems like I'm the only one without...

































MSN.

Wuahahahahahaha...

And nopes, I still don't plan to get it. But thanks for trying, guys.

Like I always said before, I'll only get it if Fiona wants me to. So... until she knows abt my existence, you can get me on my handphone or email.

=)

Goodbye?

OMG. (Oh My Goodness!!! *winks*)

In the space of just one day since I posted the James Blunt song, and made a comment abt another one, I've had 3 comments made... and "Goodbye My Lover" was played during service today for the publicity clip!!! Hahahaha...

I really really really liked this song so much... and I really got the shock of my life in service... I had only just put up the song at night... and there it was, playing during the service today. Mm... mebbe it really is goodbye for me? Goodbye to Fiona? Tee hee.

I think worship went pretty well today, all in all. I was really quite worried, since I haven't felt in the right frame of mind for the longest time now, and was worried that again I'd unsettle myself when up there on the pulpit. But I felt a lot better this time round than the last few times. Didn't really feel so lost, my mind didn't really blank out, and on the whole I think the flow of songs and sermon went pretty well.

After that we had a good session of sharing in the Levites Ministry meeting. I think the book we're doing is really good in the sense that it isn't so deep as to get everyone all bogged down in theology... yet not so shallow as to make the study a waste of time... instead I think we got everyone to contribute a little, and share about their thoughts and feelings. I think Bernice brought out the questions very well!!!

Then we trooped off to Zhang Mu Shi's house for a study on the difference between Reformed Contemporary worship, and Contemporary Reformed worship. I think after almost 3 years together, our worship bible study group has managed to gain a pretty common understanding of each other, and so our discussions have become more and more fruitful, as well as proceed more smoothly. I've always enjoyed the sessions, but I think the current topic on the renewal of worship in our church has really excited me, as well as given me a lot to think abt worship in church... how much more there is to it when you're willing to sit down and consider the things we've always taken for granted abt it.

Ah well. All in all, I think I've really enjoyed today... very very very very tired now. Drank 4 cups of coffee already, nearly fell asleep on the way home. Had to go home myself cos my mom again messed up my plans. Sigh. I always tell myself this will be the last time I plan my time to suit my mom's, since she always messes it up anyway... but I still oblidge her everytime.

Dammit.

Talk abt stupidity and how it has no cure...

As I write this, Man Utd is leading Birmingham 2-0, so barring something really really dramatic, this is gonna more or less be a great day. Of course, I better go sleep now, before anything bad happens to spoil the day.

Grins.

Have a good start to the week, everyone!!!!

The Blunt Truth

I finally listened to the James Blunt CD... and I really liked it!!! Of course, the one song overplayed on the airwaves is "You're Beautiful". I didn't think it was anywhere near as intense as "Goodbye My Lover", which I fell in love with straight away.

But as I sat there wondering what was it that made "You're Beautiful" so popular, I couldn't help but feel that a fair part of it had to do with simply the lines that went:

You're beautiful
It's true

I saw your face
In a crowded place
And I don't know what to do
'Cause I'll never be with you...

But it's time to face the truth
I will never be with you

I think of the many people out there who look at the one they worship, and think how unattainable he or she is... then they hear this song... and how they feel it basically sums up their life... no wonder they dig this song!!!!

I mean, there are way too many songs that speak of the unspeakable beauty of someone or another. Then they usually go on to express the sentiment along the lines of "I wish to spend the rest of my life with you". Its refreshingly honest, and heart-breakingly candid to have a song that expresses what too often turns out to be the reality - that after all that moping and pining, the loser still doesn't get the girl.

Shit.

For all the trash that I sprout on my blog, if I could just write lyrics like this, I'd be the one that's filthy rich. (Then there'd be girls singing this song and thinking abt me... Wuahahahahaha...)

Love Of This World

I met Pastor Lijuan for lunch today. I've really missed my chats with her, both sharing with her the things that are going through my mind, as well as the things that I'm going through. She's been a real pillar in the second service for the past 4 years, seeing us through the really rough moments till what we have today.

I was sharing with her abt how easy it is to become very jaded, in light of the many unhappy things that I always see around me, of the people you trusted who turned out to be such a disappointment, of so much cruelty and banality that humanity seems to be capable of... and how that very often leaves me wondering about why I should trust anything in my life to be able to turn out good. It thus paralyzes me from living, since it leaves me very much afraid that the minute I start to believe in anything again, it will invariably leave me hurt and disappointed.

Then after I shared with her all this, she reminded me of some of the spiritual giants of the past, the "desert forefathers" of the faith. Of how whenever they hear of more evil and more tragedy in the world, it drives them to have an even greater and deeper love for the people and the world. Therefore despite all that they see and hear abt what's going on around them, their response is always one of gentleness, of grief and of sorrow.

And that really got me thinking. Because I remember a time when I would grieve at hearing of bad news. I would react when I see news of poverty, of disaster, of injustice. After that, I would start to tell myself that its too tiring to live life like that. If I were to always allow myself to be overwhelmed with sorrow whenever I hear about injustice in the world, I'd die of exhaustion - both physical and emotional. So I start to harden my heart against it.

I do this by letting myself to first be overwhelmed with anger upon hearing the news. Then I can justify to myself that I need to control my anger, because it is not good to harbor resentment. Thus I force myself to not respond to it in anger, the end result being that I stifle my emotions from having a response at all. In due time, my heart gets hardened and conditioned to what goes on around me, and I find that I'm no longer as tender hearted as when I first started out.

I guess that's why love is always the much harder route to take. It takes a real man after God's heart, as well as a great amount of courage and determination to always respond with more love whenever we witness or hear abt the lack of love shown to those in this world.

To be able to recognize that when Jesus wept over Jerusalem, that was our example of how we need to react to a world that we similarly see as being headed for destruction.

I guess as I am doing my reflections this season of Lent, this has been the most fruitful lesson learnt.
And its no wonder that it came out of a conversation with Lijuan.

Shepherds have a way of leading their sheep to where the grass is.

Updates...

The past couple of weeks I’ve been somehow really really really restless, and have been unable to do much. Anytime I settle down, I feel like I need to walk around. Even when watching my beloved West Wing on the computer, I feel the impulse to surf the net, to reply emails, or just fiddle around a little.

Last week I walked the whole street of Orchard Road for 2 hrs straight, going up and down, down and up, just because I couldn’t stand the thought of sitting down somewhere, sitting still. I’m either really very very stressed out, going mad, or else just plain possessed.

Damn.

As a result, perhaps… I’ve been pretty much walling myself up. Aside from the couple of people that I’ve been emailing since I’m at home all the time, I haven’t really been in touch with the usual gang like I usually do. I instead just isolate myself, writing my journal, reading a book, cramming my notes, or else just pacing the house.

Xiying flies off tmr. Ah well. Managed to meet him twice whilst he was around, and even though I thought we crapped a lot, I did miss his presence. So it’s all good. Grins.

A particular chorus keeps ringing in my head lately, and its actually another in my list of golden oldies. I guess in this context I was thinking more about old friends that have come and gone in my life. People with whom I once shared a history with, who have now all but vanished from sight.

你走你的路
直到我们无法接触
我也许将独自跳舞
也许独自在街头漫步
你走你的路
用我无法追赶的脚步
我也许将独自跳舞
也许独自在街头漫步

Perhaps its my mind’s own way of telling me that as people get older, we all naturally take different paths. Been talking to different people abt different friends lately. With one, it was abt some of our common old friends who have changed. Friends who have moved on, or who don’t offer us the kind of commitment that we offer them, or who basically turned out to be a real disappointment. Then with another person we were talking abt friends in church who all seem to have either moved to another church, or have drifted away altogether from the church scene.

So we theorized abt why they left. We blamed it in differing priorities, and how it meant we ended up veering off in such different directions. We blamed it on a lack of proper support for everyone, causing them to end up finding their won way out of their problems – some good, some bad, but all leading in different ways. We acknowledged that as much as we blame others, we were equally at fault for having let go of some friends ourselves. After that we thought abt ways to remedy the problem, we discussed what solutions there might be to either bring them back or else ensure we don’t lose our current friends.

Yet at the back of my head, there was a part of me that somehow felt it was all an exercise in futility. I’m probably too jaded in saying this, but nevertheless part of me really felt that moving on is part of life. Its inevitable in class gatherings, so why not in church as well, where the social component of it is as relevant as in any secular setting? So even tho there is definitely room to stem an unhealthy outflow, why is it that in our discussions we always seem so reluctant to let go, and accept that moving on is sometimes part and parcel of life?

Ah well.

Shall not let this get too morose.

Just put down the phone only, now need to prep for worship practice tmr.

*gulp*

Also, you know how when you tell people something abt yourself you always feel a little nervous abt how its going to turn out? Well, that’s what I’m going through tonight also.

Need lots of prayer now. Lots and lots of prayer…

Foolish Thoughts

I’m so happy I finally got my internet connection back, I decided it warranted an entry.

And also, a return of the songs that always accompany my blog. I’ve specially chosen this one in honor of those I know out there who are in that stage of indecision of whether or not to go into a relationship with someone they’re crazy about.

Yes, you know I’m talking abt you!!!!

*wink wink*

Muahahahahaha…

I loved this song when I first heard it. It's cute. It's somehow damned real too. It made me wistful. It made me smile. Dammit.

Go ahead, go check out the lyrics!!

I almost ashamed to admit this, but I really really am a closet S.H.E. fan. They can’t really sing, but somehow their songs always pep me right up.

I’ve been having this really really bad neck problem that I dunno how to solve. I can’t really look down cos it really hurts a lot, and I’ve tried just abt everything, from muscle relaxants to changing my sleeping posture, from using Tempur pillows to sleeping early. Nothing seems to work, and it just aches like hell all day long. Its been like this for the past couple of months, by the way. Its like the menstrual cramps that won’t go away, except that its on my neck…

Aaaarrrrgggghhh!!!

Yes, its also the reason why I’m still awake at 430am.

Ah well.

Had a good time today catching up with Xiying and Simon. Xiying’s only back for a week, and it was good to be able to actually talk to him face to face instead of replying to each other’s comments on his blog. Hehz… Of course, that idiot couldn’t stop throwing names in my face, of people that I should think abt dating, pushing me to give someone or another a try. I know he was doing it in jest, but part of me suspects that after he read my blog, he’s trying to fish for info, throwing names at me to see if I had any reaction.

But I’m waaaaaaaaaaaaay smarter than that!!!

Ha!!

Sorry.

Having a rather cranky night.

Hehz.

Anyway, abt my studies – I’m pretty slow now, dunno why. Lost a lot of my momentum. I dunno if I’m giving myself a lotta pressure. I know Paul’s gonna just laugh when he reads this… no way I’m giving myself too much pressure, he’d think. Idiot.

But seriously, I dunno what’s wrong with me. I’m feeling tensed, restless, my brain seems to freeze up whenever to hit my books, and I’m having a lot more trouble than usual trying to maintain my focus on things. Just tonight, while driving home, I twice caught myself letting my mind drift off.

My sister scolded me tonight for being too relational. Her philosophy has always been that there’s absolutely no one you can trust, in a world where even children can’t be trusted to maintain their parents in their twilight years. My philosophy has always been to revolve my life around a close community that I trust and keep faith with, to always be around to be my support, and for me to reciprocate in kind.

Think my sis was right after all? Even today with Xiying and Simon, we also spoke briefly on friends from the past that have all moved on. How we all used to be such a tight bunch, yet strangely enough it also didn’t’ really take much for all of us to just stop talking, and to just drift off. So who’s to say that those around me right now won’t end up doing the same? Why the effort and time invested to build and maintain friendships? Why the extra miles I go to sometimes to do things for friends on the spur of spontaneity?

(Damn, my mood just changed from being whimsical to being depressive. All in the space of the 15mins it took me to type thus far. Talk abt temperamental.)

I carried on reading The Zahir by Paul Coelho after all. Decided I shd at least finish it. I think he’s a really really cheap writer. Paul’s abt right when he describes Coelho as “Chicken Soup For The Soul”. There was nothing particularly fantastic abt his writing, his style, and I don’t really think he had any particular strong or defining feature in his writings. Its basically the equivalent of pop fiction.

But ah well.

The point I wanted to make is that there was one chapter where he wrote abt loneliness, that really hit home with me. Perhaps after my exams I’ll type out that short chapter. Cos it explains why so many of us do the silly things we do in our relationships, and why so many of us insist on carrying on down a path that we know is doomed – because if the alternative is to be alone, then we’d rather be stupid than be alone.

Not tonight, but there have been other nights when I’m up at this hour, wishing there was someone I could call to talk to, just to chase away the sudden onset of an oppressive feeling of loneliness. Someone who has pledged to go through my life experiences with me, one who has promised to be there for me when I need someone around, one whom I have in return pledged my whole person to as well.

So whatever else there was in the book that didn’t impress me, those 6 pages at least made reading the whole volume worth the read. Because it helped me crystallize a few thoughts on why we can be such silly creatures sometimes in the name of love – very often we’re not silly in the name of love. We’re silly in the name of fear.

We’re afraid of being lonely, so we choose to just be silly instead.

A Tale Of 2 Weddings

I got pretty wasted last night at Huiting’s party. It was a pretty fun dinner, spared all the usual frills of video presentations, games they played for the bride and groom, long speeches made by parents and friends of the couple, special items that always drags on for just too long… all that sorta thing. It gave the guests (in this case, me amongst others…) plenty of time to go between tables to catch up with old friends, to just fool around and have fun.

They were serving Shiraz, easily my fav red wine… and it was really pretty good, which would explain why I ended up drinking almost 4 glasses in total. After I finally got home, I had to pop two anti-histamines to ensure I don’t wake up in hives. Hehz… Might post up some pictures once I get hold of them. Grins.

The night before was at my mom’s fren’s daughter’s wedding. Yeah, take your time, read that last line again. Or I could have just said I attended the wedding of the daughter of my mom’s friend.

Anyway, it was full of pilots, since the groom was one… and they all had in tow really good looking girls. But aside from that, I had absolutely no one to talk to aside from my sis and Joseph Sim. Nearly suffocated from boredom. Went out of the ballroom halfway to call Paul, as a matter of fact. I was THAT bored.

That’s 2 wedding dinners in a row. After having drinks with Caleb and Co. on Saturday night as well, I don’t think I’ve ever been so sloshed over a weekend before. Fun as it may be, its time for a little self discipline now, and not over-do things.

Anyway, its back to the real word today. Xiying’s back, so we’ve been catching up in bits and pieces here and there. Yesterday the youth choir came down to do an item in our second service, and I think the only way I can think of to describe their repertoire is to borrow the term, “Shock and Awe”. I mean, they did fine… they did a pretty good job, as a matter of fact. But I felt that they basically exploded onto the stage, and the rest of us were never really properly prepped for what was coming next. But on the whole, I think I liked having them come down. The rest of the worship was led by Renji, followed by an awesome message from Rev Enhui. She used to be my mentor in fellowship, and I always had the greatest respect for her.

She spoke abt how little things we do that are at best marginally dubious can collectively add up to matter a great deal. How each time when we feel our conscience pricked only just a little, we are able to shrug it off and not think too much of how what we did is actually wrong… and how each time it happens, we crank up the heat on ourselves just a little more, until we become the proverbial frog who ends up being unknowingly boiled alive. It was a pretty powerful message, simple as it was.

I’ve been having a pretty mixed period of reflection this season of lent. I just can’t seem to settle myself down into a frame of mind, but am feeling very restless. No sooner than having settled down for a while, I’ll very soon again be feeling edgy and restless. And since nothing major is really going on in my life other than studying for exams, I dunno what’s gotten me all tensed up.

But its not a good state to be in, cos I dun get very much done while I’m like this, and with the exams implacably drawing near, and with still so much more to cover, I really think I’m gonna die…

Help…