Brokenness

Yes, I confess I have all of a sudden disappeared. And yes, it was partly deliberate. I needed some space and time to myself, and what with all the travelling I had to do in the last month, it seemed like the perfect excuse to take time out for myself, to finally take on some long-standing issues that I've left untouched for way too long. My absence was also enforced by work, and the fatigue that it inevitably brings on.

So... here I am, back again... I doubt I will be posting with the same degreee of ferocity as before... and I will prety much be reverting back to the true nature of the blog, to the state that it was always intended to be.

Lots of things around me seem to be falling apart. And it seems that when things don't work out well, people get angry. They get frustrated. So they start looking for fault, for something or someone to blame. And when they realise they can't really blame anyone or anything other than themselves, they start to pick at the fault of others, so as to get past themselves.

I've been at the receiving end of some of that myself lately. And I find myself curiously angry... not at the person who did me wrong... but at the state of affairs that led to this.

I guess I'm disappointed.

For some time now, I've been very pro-mercy instead of pro-justice. I mentioned something like this for some time already. For example... when someone in church has been guilty of something big... and everyone has something to say abt what's happening... the worse you can hear would be the plain bitching abt how that person always had it coming and so totally deserved all that was meted out to him. The less-vicious ones would discuss how he has sinned... using both the bible as well as their human 'wisdom' to analyze and dissect "where he went wrong". And I guess these two categories would make up abt 95% of all the reactions from church. I guess if I had my way with things, there would still have been those who would point out the right from the wrong... but there would have been a lot more people who woulod be concerned with "I wonder how he must be feeling now. Someone should be caring for him."

I mean, God said "I desire mercy, not sacrifice." Too often we are so eager to point out right and wrong that we forget to show mercy...

Galatians 6:1-2 says "Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Taken in context, it means that none of us are in a position to restore a brother caught in sin, till we've walked alongside him and carried his burden.

I used to be a Saul to those who have stumbled on the path before... quick to rebuke and be righteously concerned at an apparent wrong that someone is doing... and I've also been on the receiving end of such treatment when I myself have been caught in a position of vulnerability. And one lesson I've learnt through it all is that God desires mercy... "He who forgives little wil be forgiven little."

If justice is truly His, why are we so eager to enforce justice and demand that one's sins be met with rebuke and corporal punishment? Where's the mercy?

Don't get me wrong... I'm not saying we therefore condone the wrongs we see around us. But our call is not to address and seek out wrong... our call is to carry each other's burdens. Too often the church has excelled in witch-hunting, and chosen to be uncomfortable with seeing the sins of others... too eager to cast the first stone, not realising that they themselves have much to be similarly stoned for when measured under the same standards.

No wonder therefore that everyone in church ends up drawing away from each other. We're afraid of the witch-hunt... be too transparent and at the first sign of weakness you'll find stones hurtling towards you instead of merciful words of love... how will we ever dare to open up to others, when we ourselves have been equally guilty of the mob mentality? We're afraid of showing our true selves, out of fear that we'll receive the treatment we're so adept at dishing out.

And so I'm angry. Angry at myself, angry at the way things are. Its such a simple solution... yet we all seem to fall short of being able to do it. So much easier to be in a position of authority, and bring out the adulterous woman... So much easier on our delicate conscience as Christians, that we see sin and we stamp it out... not realising we're also stamping in the sinner in the process.

So Christians go around throwing out the baby with the bath water, and wonder why nobody in the world believes in their message of a God who came to show love and compassion to those who have sinned.

I guess one lesson I've learnt in my month away from everyone, is that love does not condemn. It always perseveres, and always hopes. Love carries the burdens of the one who sins, and does not pile on the load of guilt to the one who is already heavy-laden. I used to be very good at pointing out the faults of this and that person, and phrase it in such a manner that it falls just nicely on the side of righteous concern instead of self-righteous indulgence.... The new lesson I'm learning now is to show mercy, and carry that person's burdens.

Unless I can bother to do that, I myself am guilty of not fulfilling the law of Christ... what right do I then have, to ignore the plank in my own eye and pick at the speck in the other person's eye?

I guess that's why ultimately I realise that as angry as I might be at whomever has done me wrong, I have no right to be angry at him until I have stood alongside him and carried his burdens.

And maybe that's what Christ meant by turning the other cheek.

Back From Macau...

Macau has been an experience in humility… in recognizing that there is much out there greater than myself…

2600 delegates from more than 50 countries, all with one purpose in mind… How to take the gospel to the nations. And the thing is, these weren’t no-life religious fanatics who let their who purpose in life revolve around missions because they had nowhere better to invest their time. Many used to be rich executives who had given up all they had to respond to the call. Very very successful and capable businessmen who were leaders on an international stage. One of my workshops was taught was 2 guys – one was the former director of Prudential Asia Pacific who is now the pastor of Grace Baptist Church… and the other is a former pastor who left to start up an airline to evangelize out to the corporate world… both its leaders as well as his employees. Yet to hear their humility in speech as well as when they talk abt the love of the gospel they have… man.

It was a breath-taking glance at what C.S Lewis spoke of in Screwtape Letters, when he talked of how the Christian will be forever lost as long as it is “abt the gospel plus something else”. I went home thinking abt how easily we all fall into the trap. Emphasize on tithing too much and very soon the church becomes run no different from profit organizations, where a lot of its ministry invariably becomes hampered by people who tithe a lot, but who also end up controlling how the money is spent. Focus too much on organizational efficiency and stream-lining, and very soon the very people being ministered to become mere pawns where the aim is to grow numbers and boast cosmeticized results instead of people. Stress too much on unity and very soon we all become so inward looking that we selfishly squabble and resent each other over “our own resources”, as if we were right to believe that we – instead of God – own them.

Each lunch we had at any table was always with some Reverend or Missionary who would beam at us and tell us how happy they were to see young faces. And I was so struck by their words on retrospect. Here in the second service we complain and we talk so much abt the lack of sucession... and how we don’t expect ourselves to be doing the things we do right now in 20 yrs’ time. Yet here they all are, sitting in front of me… 60 yrs old, and still going out there to preach the gospel and share Christ… and when they shared how happy they were to finally see young faces, I can only shudder to imagine their loneliness in ministry as they labor on, asking God to raise up new leaders with none in sight.

I’ve cried at many a Christian camp before. I’ve cried at many a Christian rally before. Usually it happens during worship, where God’s presence and voice seems to always bring out my emotions the most. Or else its during a very moving testimony, where the story of God working in our midst would bring me much comfort and encouragement. At times it happens during an altar call, where the speaker invokes the name of God to call to either repentance or commitment. But at this conference, I think I was moved to tears each time I just look around me to catch a small small glimpse of what heaven must feel like… surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses. “Humbling” doesn’t even come close to describing what it felt like.

The lessons learnt were very personal ones. Lessons like the call to no compromise. Being reminded again and again of Abraham and Issac, and God's call to offer up to Him what I claim to be my most precious. No big meta-narrative to give here. I really think God spoke to me very very personally in this conference. It wasn’t the typical Crusade-style evangelistic meeting where the theme was always “Christ died for you – what would your response be?”. Nothing wrong with that style, mind you. Just that this conference was… different. There was no eagerness to impose and elicit a response from the people around. There was no need to. Every life to my left and right was a testimony to what a life surrendered to God might look like. Everyone had a story to share abt being hurt by church and by people. And they all had a story to share of how God not only saved them from their spiritual death, but He brought them back from their emotional crucifixion as well.

Been a whirlwind of activity since I returned home… the air was really bad in Macau and Hong Kong, and I returned home with a pretty bad flu, cough and asthma. The fact that I start work the day after I reached home didn’t help…

So I guess I shall stop here….

Lots of pics to come next… very soon, I promise. Tho I broke my camera on the first night I was in Hong Kong, so unfortunately nothing to show from there.

But I think I took plenty enough otherwise.

By the way, don’t bother with the Portugese egg tarts of Macau. They’re an absolute lie. We walked for hours without seeing any. And the supposedly “best” ones were very ordinary. They weren’t bad, per se. Just very ordinary.

Ah well.

I know the dowager is having the time of her life in Beijing, with a lot of pics showcasing what she’s been eating over there. *envious*

Sigh.

Ah well. At least I know its not building up around MY waist.

WUAHAHAHAHAHA…

Post Birthday Entry...

I guess I’m due for a belated birthday entry.

Scandinavia has come and gone… so much has been going on in my life that has left me with so little time to think and act. I‘ve been spending the past 2 weeks since returning… reacting to everything going on around me. Been so tired out also, that I really haven’t had much impulse to indulge in my whoring for public attention via this blog.

Thus the radio silence.

I was told yesterday that my belief in communities always forces me to walk a very thin line. I don’t give myself space to make mistakes, since the consequences are ten times more severe in the context of community. By keeping every friend of mine separate from one another, I can jeopardize one friendship and still find solace in the others.

I guess that’s true.

The tricky thing abt community is that when things are going fine, the synergy can really be a force used for good… everyone is very encouraged and built up. Its like a rainforest that becomes an eco-system in itself, each one playing an active role in sustaining one another. But it only takes one spark within that system during a dry spell, to spark a raging fire that can clean out the whole rainforest overnight.

But I guess I wouldn’t have done it any other way. The tacky side of me will always decide that I’d much rather have lived and died, instead of never having truly lived before.

Speaking of living… I’ve now a total of 27 years to account for, yet somehow nothing much seems to have changed. I’m beginning to ask myself if I should only check back here again when I’m 40, and the wandering is supposed to have ceased. Hehz…

It’s been a quiet birthday, the kind that I like. It had its moments, such as the party that Weixiu put a lotta effort into throwing, yet also the element of minimal fanfare in that very few wished me a happy birthday this yr as compared to the previous years. And for that, I’m truly grateful. Being able to spend my entire birthday this year doing only what I wanna do, without having to oblige anyone at all felt really great.

I was told that I seem to have withdrawn myself a lot from pple over the past half a year. I’ve stopped bothering to maintain a lot of the peripheral relationships that I used to bother about. I guess I just got too tired of caring. When you’re approaching 30, you’re supposed to be slowly phasing out the friends that you know will never really be there for you, and learn to reserve your time only for those that by now you know truly matters.

I guess its fine when you’re the one doing the phasing out. The shock comes when you realize that you who live by the sword also dies by it. The gradual realization did hit me that amongst my friends, I too, am slowly being phased out of some of their lives.

Ah well. C’est la vie…

The aftermath of Zidane’s sending off still seems to reverberate and taint Italy’s triumph at the World Cup. Calls for investigation, ugly speculations as to what must have been said to have elicited such a response from a footballing gentleman, verbal exchanges of slurs and lies in the papers… coupled with the match-fixing scandal that is already rocking Serie A, I think the Italians deserve a little bit of compassion.

Honestly, I think aside from the penalty they won against Australia that was undeserved, they have generally performed well and won the World Cup on their merits. Yet to never be able to enjoy the fruits of their success because of the complications that surround it.. it sucks. It seems to have taken the shine off the victory, and it seems to have therefore diminished the respect and credit that they deserve.

Ah well.

On my part. I’m just glad its over and we can all go back to adjusting our bio clocks to sleep.

Sleeping of sleep…

Time for me to sign off.

Will be back after my Macau trip. Back on 25th July.

I start work on the 26th!!

"The world is no longer a romantic place. Some of its people still are, however. And therein lies the promise. Don’t let the world win…"

- John Cage, Ally McBeal

Must Love Dogs

These pictures represent the happiest 20 minutes of my time in Scandinavia. Being able to roll around with these 2 Malmuts... I knew my day was complete. They were warm, gentle, friendly... everything I was looking for in a dog...

And they cost 700 euros each.

I was asked for a birthday wishlist. How abt just this - a pair of Malmuts.

Grins.

Scandinavia Snippets

So much to say abt my Scandinavian trip, but I really have no idea where to start. Decided I'd just drop snippets of things that I had jotted down here and there, and let them come out here on this blog as and when the occasion arises.

And since this is sunday, I'll mention how my two sundays went.

I really missed the service back in my church. From the people, to the building, to the fact that it felt odd to be travelling arouhnd the different parts of Europe to be visiting churches instead of going to one to worship.

The churches were all exquisite...

And so there I was admiring all the details paid to the architecture... to the details... and just how much effort was evidently put into the whole design and building of the place... and I was very much saddened to think that at the end of the day, the church building is nothing more than an ornate structure that attracts the tourists to converge on. Because it was on a sunday that I visited some of the churches, and there was no worshipping taking place. Only eager groups of people in all shapes and sizes, snapping away at their cameras, getting their dollar's worth of shots.

It struck me that sometimes that's what my own church can be like... people who throng in droves into the building, eager to fulfill their expectations, hardly ever pausing to consider the intent of their having stepped into a place once set apart for sanctuary and meditation.

Its a reminder to me that my life and my body, as the temple of the living God, needs to avoid becoming a mere relic that once was set apart for His use.

Read This Only If You're Waaaaaay Too Free. Serious.

Mebbe it’s the jet lag, mebbe I’m still adjusting to the time difference. But I can’t sleep.

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I gave your question a little more thought, and this might seem overly simplistic… but its what I really think. If you love her more than life, then the pain of not seeing her will be unbearable. Much better to still let her be part of your life. If you’re willing to let her go because it hurts too much, mebbe at the end of the day you really love yourself more.

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Father’s Day in Norway was cool. But it suddenly surfaced a lot of things abt my father that I couldn’t chase away while I was on the bus. I love him dearly, but if I can’t be a much better father than he was, I’d rather be single and never have a child. Cos I’ve seen the kind of damage it does to a child, when you can’t be the sort of parent that you should be.

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The World Cup is a travesty, what with the number of bad referring decisions that’s rapidly turning the whole competition into a lottery – if you’re lucky you win a penalty. If you’re not, you win a red card.

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I’ve missed the piano so much when I was over in Scandinavia in 14 days. I still suck at playing, mind you… but the piano was always an outlet for my emotions when no one’s around… and I’ve had a lot to think abt when I was there, and there was a lot going on inside of me that I couldn’t express or vent.

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I might be getting a job real soon!!!! Whoo hoo!!! Now I can finally pay my bills. Grins.

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So much was going on when I was away, that I’m really a little overwhelmed right now, and have no idea where to start. And I don’t just mean the World Cup. So much happening to those around me, and even more to myself that I think I’m gonna need another holiday to run from the problems that this vacation seems to have created.

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I’ve come full circle to realize who selfish I really am, and how I really don’t know anything at all abt loving pple.

Am more than just a little disappointed with myself.

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Still need to sort out my Stansfield College saga.

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So much to write on the blog, yet everytime I start I think its either gonna bore pple cos they’ve read those sentiments before or else its too long. So I don’t write anything at all which I thought would be substantial, but opt for this kind of crap instead.

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I’ve mentioned this ad nauseum, but I really love Mike Gayle’s books. Sorry man. Its so terrible, my liking it. But at the same time I can’t help but be drawn to it. Paul says its cos I’m a helpless romantic. And I am. But its such an uncool thing to be!!!

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Yes, I’m officially u-n-c-o-o-l.

Sad, no?

Sunset Boulevard

Well, not exactly a boulevard. But its the land of the midnight sun, where the sun never sets. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you Romaniemi, where I caught the Midnight Sun... a phenomena where the sun reaches the water horizon when setting, then rises again without ever setting.

Hopefully more pictures will follow.

Tee hee!!

Leaving On A Jet Plane (Part 2)

Shit. Leaving in 30 mins.

Just realise that it can suck to suddenly think "there's no one's photo that I can bring with me on the trip, to put in my wallet."

I'm Leaving On A Jet Plane

So I'm gonna be gone till the 28th. Blog's been kindda quiet lately, cos I've been a little preoccupied, and also taking time out for myself. Anyway, I'll leave you with this new gem I picked up from PostSecret, and the song that goes with it. Ravi Zacharias once said "Preach to broken hearts, and you will never lack for an audience." Mebbe that's why the expression of longing always gets pple nodding their heads along. At some level we all want what we cannot have, or do not have. And that's why PostSecret is making so much money...



I was asked - which is more painful, to see someone you love with someone else, or to not see that someone at all. Hmm... I think I answered your question pretty badly, gimme some time to think through it on the trip and I'll try to give a better answer to you when I'm back.

Bye guys... Will be back from my trip with more thoughts, and perhaps a picture or two even!!! Scandinavia, here I come...

Goodbye To Romance

On some days, I think this is how I really am, that trying to be otherwise would basically be selling myself out.

On other days like this, I tell myself I really need to stop living my life by the songs that I listen to. That romanticism is a lie, and leaves you with absolutely nothing to show for it.

Hard to imagine, that a God who loves you will always take away before your very eyes all that you desire to have even more than your life itself. Maybe He only allows you to keep that which you don’t love but simply possess. So that the trick is to stop believing you can possess true love. You either love, or you possess. Take your pick.

And maybe that’s the way to go.

Maybe goodbye isn't as difficult as I always made it out to be. After all, we'll get to meet in the end, isn't it?



Goodbye To Romance
Yesterday has been and gone
Tomorrow will I find the sun or will it rain
Everybody's having fun except me
I'm the lonely one
I live in shame

I said hey, goodbye to romance
Goodbye to friends,
I tell you, goodbye to all the past
I guess that we'll meet,
We'll meet in the end

I've been the king, I've been the clown
Now broken wings can't hold me down
I'm free again
The jester with the broken crown
It won't be me this time around
To love in vain

And I feel the time is right although
I know that you just might say to me
What you gonna do
What you gonna do
But I have to take this chance
Goodbye to friends and to romance
And to all of you
And to all of you

And the winter is looking fine
And I think the sun will shine again
And I feel I've cleared my mind
All the past is left behind again

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Just For You

More times than not I don't know what to say, much less what to do. There are times when we go through some of the darkest moments in our lives, daring to even be angry at God. Yet I pray that in spite of the despair in your heart, you will come to a subtle realization of God's ever-faithful presence, and the love that He always has for you. You're constantly in my thougts and prayers...

Wounded Soldier
Wounded Soldier, on the ground. Broken, bleeding, beaten down.
Feeling defeated, feeling not needed. Alone, abandoned, on the battleground.
Wounded Soldier, faithful friend. Beaten down by those you defend.
Your heart once open, now pierced and broken… needing hope, to rise again…

Let Me bind up every wound, let Me comfort every pain
Let Me carry you to a place of rest, shelter from pouring rain
Let Me hold you, I can be right where you are!
Let Me hold you, in the shelter of my heart!
When you’re weary from the battles and all hope just seems so far,
Just remember I am with you, faithfully guarding your heart…

While the battle rages on, I will hold you through the night.
In the shadow of the cross, I’ll be your champion, fight your fight!
Let me hold you, I can be right where you are!
Let me hold you, in the shelter of my heart!

Wounded Soldier, you’ll rise again! You can trust Me, I always win!
When you face harshness, or total darkness,
I’m ever watching, faithful to defend.
Wounded Soldier, faithful one. When you’re fallen, I’ll help you run.
With every testing, I’ll bring you resting, and say to you:
“My child, well done!”

Let Me bind up every wound, let Me comfort every pain
Let Me carry you to a place of rest, shelter from pouring rain
Let Me hold you, I can be right where you are!
Let Me hold you, in the shelter of my heart!
When you’re weary from the battle and all hope just seems so far,
Just remember I am with you, faithfully guarding your heart…

When you feel you can’t go on, you’ll be weak, and I’ll be strong.
With the power of my strongest love, from my heart’s deepest song!
Let me hold you! I can be right where you are!
Let me hold you! In the shelter of my heart!

Set Apart For God (Part 2)

I repent of ever having recorded one single song, and ever having performed one concert, if my music, and more importantly, my life has not provoked you into Godly jealousy or to sell out more completely to Jesus! — Keith Green

Keith Green was 15 the first time he ran away from home. He started a journal that ran for years as he looked for musical adventure and spiritual truth. Keith had a Jewish background, but he grew up reading the New Testament. He called it "an odd combination" that left him open minded, but deeply unsatisfied. His journey led him to drugs, eastern mysticism, and free-love.

When Keith was 19 he met a fellow seeker/musician named Melody. They were married a year later -- but his spiritual quest continued. Then when he had nearly given up hope, Keith found the truth he was looking for. He was 21 and he never looked back.

What once confused him now made sense as he proudly told the world, “I'm a Jewish Christian." As soon as Keith opened his heart to Jesus, he and Melody opened their home. Anyone with a need, or who wanted to kick drugs, or get off the street, was welcome. Of course, they always heard plently about Jesus.

Not only did Keith's life take a radical turn, but as an accomplished musician and songwriter, so did his music. His quest for stardom ended. His songs now reflected the absolute thrill of finding Jesus and seeing his own life radically changed. Keith's spiritual intensity not only took him beyond most people's comfort zones, but it constantly drove him even beyond himself.

Somewhat reluctantly, Keith was thrust into a "John the Baptist" type ministry—calling believers to wake up, repent, and live a life that looked like what they said they believed. Keith felt he would have met Jesus sooner if not for Christians who led double lives. He made audiences squirm by saying, “If you praise and worship Jesus with your mouth and your life does not praise and worship him, there's something wrong!"

The radical commitment Keith preached was also a desire of his own heart. He said, “Loving Him is to be our cause. He can take care of a lot of other causes without us, but He can’t make us love Him with all our heart. That’s the work we must do... Anything else is an imitation.”

Keith's songs were often birthed during his own spiritual struggles. He pointed the finger at himself, penning honest and vulnerable lyrics—but he left room for God to convict the rest of us too. He knew the journey to heaven often winds through muddy valleys, and saw no value in portraying things as otherwise.

With Keith's honesty, he would have chafed against a glossed-over reading of his own life. After all, Keith was in the spotlight as he grew in Jesus. He made mistakes. We miss something essential when we overlook the frailty and humanity of those who've gone before us. Keith was far from perfect, but he honestly hungered after righteousness—constantly asking the Holy Spirit to, "change my heart, convict me of my sin." And when he was convicted, he took action. If he needed to repent, he repented. If he needed to phone someone to ask forgiveness, he did.

For Keith, meeting Jesus was one thing. Becoming more like Him was another. After striving for years to measure up to God's holiness, at times questioning his own salvation, Keith came into a deeper understanding of the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross—both to forgive his sins, and to clothe him in His own righteousness. It wasn't that Keith became less concerned with purity and holiness. But he was now motivated more by love and less by fear in His pursuit of Jesus.

While on earth, Keith struggled with the same things we do—discipline, deadlines, problems crying for attention. He had music to write and a growing family. And he was also discipling the 70 believers who had come to be part of Last Days Ministries—the ministry he and Melody expanded from the outreach that began in their home. But he learned, in the midst of it all, the importance of pausing simply to behold the glory of God and to enjoy His presence. That is perhaps, more than anything, the legacy Keith would have wanted us to remember.

In seven short years of knowing Jesus, the Lord took Keith from concert crowds of 20 or less—to stadiums of 12,000 people who came to hear only him. His recordings were chart topping—and when he began to give his recordings away for whatever people could afford, some misunderstood. His views were often controversial but never boring. Television and radio appearances became the norm. Still, Keith's heart was to please the Lord and build His kingdom, not his own.

And in the last few months of his life, the Lord turned Keith's heart once again toward the lost. He wanted to go back out into the streets, the prisons, and the nations to reach those without God. He wanted to sing to them. He wanted to tell them how much Jesus loved them. However, it was not to be.

On July 28, 1982, there was a small plane crash and Keith went home to be with Jesus. The crash also took the life of his three year old son Josiah, and his two year old daughter, Bethany. Melody was home with their one year old, Rebekah, and was also six weeks pregnant with their fourth child, Rachel. Keith was only 28 years old.

Although Keith is now with Jesus, his life and ministry is still making a huge impact around the world. His songs and passionate delivery are still changing lives. His writings are translated into many languages. Keith once said, "When I die I just want to be remembered as a Christian." It's safe to say he reached his goal, and perhaps, a bit more.

Keith Green was simply a man of conviction. When his convictions led him to an eternally worthy object in the person of Jesus he sold all that he had—ambitions, possessions, and dreams—to possess His love. In so doing he became a man of devotion. He also became a man remembered, and still missed, by millions around the world.

The only music minister to whom the Lord will say, "Well done, thy good and faithful servant," is the one whose life proves what their lyrics are saying, and to whom music is the least important part of their life. Glorifying the only worthy One has to be a minister's most important goal! — Keith Green

The New Man In My Life

On the journey over to Levenshulme they talked about the New Year and what they hoped to get out of it. Neil told Jo that he was planning to take a career break and travel for a while because he was afraid that he was missing out on life by working all the time. Jo told him about her hopes for her novel, and that if no one was interested in it, she’d write something new: Rob’s praise had inspired her.

“Well,” she said, as Neil pulled up outside her house, “this is me.”

He leaned across and kissed her cheek. “It was great to meet you.”

“You too.” Jo opened the car door. “Have a great New Year.”

She stepped out of the car and was about to close the door when Neil spoke again: “May I say something to you? Its more advice than anything else.”

“Of course,” said Jo. “What is it?”

“I just wanted to say to you that I know it must be hard for you.”

“What’s hard for me?”

“And I know too that, right now, your heart must feel like its being broken apart… but it will heal… You will get over it. Time will help you to accept that in life there are things you can have and things you can’t, and that’s just the way it is.”

Jo was stunned. “How did you –”

“It takes one to know one,” he replied. “Just make sure you look after yourself.”

Jo closed the car door and watched as he drove away. Then she turned to her house and rooted in her bag for her keys. She opened the door, closed it behind her and cried as if she would never stop.

- Brand New Friend, Mike Gayle

Set Apart For God (Part 1)

I was out with Paul a while ago, and we got down to discussing the book I lent him, “The Mystery Of Marriage”. He obviously didn’t enjoy it as much as I did, and his general protest was at the “idealism” that the book espoused. He likened it to books like “Passion and Purity”, or “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”, books where they described the theoretical epitome of what love should be like, while at the same time not making enough room to acknowledge just how impossible it is to ever get there.

As much as I agreed at the impossibly high standards that the book sets, I guess for me… the problem was always with the impossibly low standards we set for ourselves as we protest against the lofty standards that Mason, Harris and George have placed before us. And I told him that seeing a couple like Henry and Bernice demonstrate what it is like to have a Christ-centered relationship, I can see how the lofty standards were reached for, while at the same time conceding the fact that we are prone to fail.

What every couple does, including what I did with Grace, was to get into a relationship based on the mutual attraction we had for each other… only after that, did we try to work the “God element" into it, so as to try and steer it towards a God-centered direction. I would be hard-pressed to find fault with that approach, actually… but its safe to say that most of the time, it was the horizontal aspect of the relationship that got built, instead of the vertical. And so love becomes such hard work, where we plead the impossibility of the standards that are established in these books.

What we forget is that in something as grand and as sacred as love, it was always going to be something impossible for fallen humans to achieve. Just like how it was always going to be impossible for fallen beings like us to behold the full glory of God. Yet it also therefore becomes the one thing above anything else, that we cannot afford to compromise, and settle for less in.

So we lean on the providence of God’s grace, to help us love like only He can.

I look to Henry and Bernice, and I am more than just a little awed by the kind of relationship they have. I don’t just see each other when I look into their eyes, I really see a common worship that they share. I can see that how close they are wasn’t built by a lot of personal time together, but by the kind of worship that they have in common, of God. Their relationship has such a great capacity to accommodate others, be it cell group, the worship team, other needy people, ministry time and family obligations... not to mention work. And I believe their relationship could stand up to such intrusions because it was never about the two of them, but about the common love they have in Christ. As much as I whine abt the lack of personal space I’d want after getting attached, I know I’m the sort who would jealously want a lot of personal time with my partner. And to see how Henry and Bernice always selflessly give up their own time together to fellowship with those around them… well, its always a lesson that I learn, and that makes me appreciate them.

I don’t think there’s any way to “work at it”. Any other couple who imitates the very activities they engage in could not reproduce the kind of “holiness” that their love seems to emanate. Whatever chemistry and understanding they have of each other is always something you can feel is found in the source of their love for Christ. Its not about how sweet one party can be to another. Its not about how self-sacrificing or how nice one is to the other. Its about how when they come together, what anyone can see is that their attachment to each other is the result of their common fixation with God.

I remember the line in the song “I Will Be Here”, that goes “I will be true to the promise I have made… to you and to the One who gave you to me”, and I suddenly appreciate the sentiment of that line ten times over. All the promises made to each other in the song is worth nothing, without the ever-present acknowledgement that it’s also a promise kept to the One who brought the two of them together. I don't think I've ever seen that line before in this context, but when I did, it really blew my mind away. The bridge of a song, usually used to summarize the whole song and to lend emphasis to a chorus, was certainly used by Chapman so powerfully here.

Someone told me tonight that she’s just about ready to stop believing in relationships already. And many have been the times that I’ve felt that way. But the grandness of the love that Henry and Bernice share have shown me that good things like this are so precious that its worth waiting for, and that it’ll be worth the wait.

Its interesting how couples who are on the verge of breaking up usually all weigh their considerations on everything except “I wonder if God really is pleased with the relationship I’m currently in, and I wonder just how much my relationship is glorifying Him.” I suspect most couples are afraid to ask that question, because of the ramifications that follow. Yet often it seems that until that question is answered, all other questions abt compatibility, commitment and affections are somewhat invalid.

Its also interesting how couples who are thinking of getting together always talk abt praying over that decision, but their deliberations always seem to hover over “human factors” such as compatibility and attraction… at best they think they can see themselves serving God together, a hypothetical understanding usually borne out of a bias towards wanting to end up together. They protest over how God seems to stay silent when they ask Him for an answer, not ever considering that perhaps God’s silence is in itself an answer.

And even couples who might be doing pretty well right now often avoid the question of “Where is God in the relationship”, preferring not to rock the boat, hoping that in the future the problem would go away by itself.

Of course, having said all this, it seems that every couple in church ought to break up now. Hehz… but that’s not my point. I think it’s a decision we all have to make for ourselves, just how much do we intend to set ourselves apart to be used by God. I think after witnessing Henry and Bernice at work, I have caught a glimpse of something that I want very badly… and I would rather stay single than settle for a relationship that would make a mockery of all that I think love should be, and make a hypocrite of myself.

So… yes. I think I need to get used to the idea of singlehood for life.

Grins.

Potluck At BK's!!!!

Nowadays when you go BK, instead of ordering their fries and drinks, you're encouraged to come with your own coffee and hashbrowns.

Grins.

Uncertainty

"You find it so easy to be dissatisfied with God because you do not understand His ways in you. You, who have even entertained the thought of displeasure at a God who doesn't explain His ways. Listen now, mortal, and understand... even the Son of God is not spared from the abandonment of God. Shall you then be?

A moment ago, your Saviour died. He died the incarnation of sin, swallowed up in the iniquity of all mankind. In the final madness of that flood, even He asked 'Why?' and received no answer. The cross always has an unanswered 'Why?'.

Without uncertainty, without unanswered questions, there is no such thing as the cross."

The Inward Journey, Gene Edwards

Bewildering

The past few weeks I seem to have turned a corner. A bad corner.

Maybe its just me, but I seem to always go through a cycle where things are happening around me and to me that I’m not aware of. I just blunder from one thing into another, and I never really seem to catch on to what’s really going on and what people are seeing.

Slowly I begin to be aware of all that I had missed, and I scramble to make up for my earlier remiss. Usually this involves a lot of thought that I hastily throw into it, hasty conclusions that I arrive at, then the expending of a lot of effort to throw myself against a wall, trying to stick up to the conclusions that I’m so sure of.

Its only after yet more time has passed that I realize I actually am no longer sure of all that I once assumed… I begin to think to myself that maybe I too, have only been seeing what I want to see. Then the doubts set in, until I sit here in front of my PC once again, only this time utterly at a loss of what to do or think.

I really love this song by Lisa Loeb. This blog has been steadily featuring a stream of all my favs from her collection. This has to easily be my favorite one from all her songs. I used to put it on repeat, and play it over and over again everytime I walk away from a close friend that I thought I knew, but ended up having totally misread. And yes, I also used to play this song whenever I thought of all that went wrong between me and Grace.

Maybe I am
Hiding in my own confusion
Maybe we're just
A picture in my head
Maybe what if it could be
The way I wish it really was
Maybe I don't wanna see it
The way it really is

Ever had the sense that the few close to you can sometimes be the very ones who are a million miles away? The experience whereby the grasp of a situation you thought you had could turn out with a totally unforeseen twist, that leaves you utterly helpless?

I used to spin the chorus inside my head again and again non-stop, and ask myself if it really was me. I would wonder if it really was just a case of how I refused to see things for the way it really was, but always just stuck a picture inside my head and convinced myself that it was a good reflection of reality. Everytime I think I’m losing control of a situation, I just retreat into a corner, and this chorus would start spinning again.

Just when I think I know myself, and I know what I want, I surprise myself with my ability to realize I’m just as messed up and confused as everyone else around me. My inclinations change, I start questioning my priorities, my circle of friends whom I spend more time with shifts, and I again have to re-evaluate what is it that I want to do with my life. Naturally, I needed to ask myself why I changed (be it my mind, my preferences, or even my understanding of who I am), and what caused the change.

Sounds vague?

Yeah, that’s how my mind has been for the past couple of weeks.

Damn hazy.

Can’t think straight.

And I hate that.

Someone Should Turn This Into A Song

Forever Valentines’

Red roses were her favorites, her name was also Rose.
And every year her husband sent them, tied with pretty bows.
The year he died, the roses were delivered to her door.
The card said, "Be my Valentine," like all the years before.

Each year he sent her roses, and the note would always say,
"I love you even more this year, than last year on this day."
"My love for you will always grow, with every passing year."
She knew this was the last time that the roses would appear.

She thought, he ordered roses in advance before this day.
Her loving husband did not know, that he would pass away.
He always liked to do things early, way before the time.
Then, if he got too busy, everything would work out fine.

She trimmed the stems, and placed them in a very special vase.
Then, sat the vase beside the portrait of his smiling face.
She would sit for hours, in her husband's favorite chair.
While staring at his picture, and the roses sitting there.

A year went by, and it was hard to live without her mate.
With loneliness and solitude, that had become her fate.
Then, the very hour, as on Valentines before,
The doorbell rang, and there were roses, sitting by her door.

She brought the roses in, and then just looked at them in shock.
Then, went to get the telephone, to call the florist shop.
The owner answered, and she asked him, if he would explain,
Why would someone do this to her, causing her such pain?

"I know your husband passed away, more than a year ago," The owner said,
"I knew you'd call, and you would want to know."
"The flowers you received today, were paid for in advance."
"Your husband always planned ahead, he left nothing to chance."

"There is a standing order, that I have on file down here,
And he has paid, well in advance, you'll get them every year.
There also is another thing, that I think you should know,
He wrote a special little card...he did this years ago."

"Then, should ever, I find out that he's no longer here,
That's the card...that should be sent, to you the following year."
She thanked him and hung up the phone, her tears now flowing hard.
Her fingers shaking, as she slowly reached to get the card.

Inside the card, she saw that he had written her a note.
Then, as she stared in total silence, this is what he wrote...
"Hello my love, I know it's been a year since I've been gone,
I hope it hasn't been too hard for you to overcome."

"I know it must be lonely, and the pain is very real.
For if it was the other way, I know how I would feel.
The love we shared made everything so beautiful in life.
I loved you more than words can say, you were the perfect wife."

"You were my friend and lover, you fulfilled my every need.
I know it's only been a year, but please try not to grieve.
I want you to be happy, even when you shed your tears.
That is why the roses will be sent to you for years."

"When you get these roses, think of all the happiness,
That we had together, and how both of us were blessed.
I have always loved you and I know I always will.
But, my love, you must go on, you have some living still."

"Please...try to find happiness, while living out your days.
I know it is not easy, but I hope you find some ways.
The roses will come every year, and they will only stop,
When your door's not answered, when the florist stops to knock."

"He will come five times that day, in case you have gone out.
But after his last visit, he will know without a doubt,
To take the roses to the place, where I've instructed him,
And place the roses where we are, together once again."

The Parasite's Creed

I live - simply so that other might live simply.

Grins.

Inspired by a message in church today, on World Missions.

Wuahahahaha...

Dream A Little Dream...

Ever had one of those nights where you dreamt of someone, and afterwards you could never ever look them in the eye again without thinking abt that dream?

I've been having pretty restless nights for a couple of months now. And I find that my dreams get more and more vivid. Most of them I make a point to remember right after I wake up, and I continue to think abt it while brushing my teeth. But usually 2 hrs later, I forget abt them already.

I sometimes wonder if the ones I remember are the ones that really matter. The ones that even days after dreaming it I can't shake out of my head. Some of them are pretty absurd, involving me back in BMT again, but this time doing really absurd things like being part of a debate on National security. Of course I have a few classic morbid dreams that seems to show up in my dreams on a pretty regular basis... its always the same dream, and it always follows the exact same sequence, involving me being trapped in a building with no exits. Then of course there's the dream where I see myself walking with someone whose presence is strikingly familiar, but whose face I can't catch... and each time we're always walking along different places ranging from the usual spots like Bishan or Thomson Park, to the ludicrous like my abandoned primary school building.

All I know is that the dreams tend to get really vivid, and part of me is awake enough to recognize I'm dreaming, and even be able to marvel at the details that exist within the "visions".

And as much as I'm strangely attracted by it enough to have part of me not want to lose it, there's also a part of me that hates it.

I read this phrase somewhere, and was pretty struck by the irony: "I looked back and thought to myself how different things would have been had I enough hindsight." Don't ask me why I mentioned it here.

Random thought.

Somewhat like my dreams.

Somewhat like this blog.

Falling In Love (With The Language)

The time between meeting and finally leaving is sometimes called falling in love.

I just really really like that turn of phrase. Its such a nifty expression that says so much.

Ever met up and spent time with a person, and after leaving her, realize that you’ve fallen in love with her?

Isn’t it true that between the time you met the love of your life and the moment you call off the relationship, you knew you’ve learnt what it was like to fall in love?

Ever had this sure feeling from the time you meet and fall in love, that there will come a time for you or her to leave?

I love it when a little phrase like that can say so much!!!

True Love

Paul asked me last night what I would say if I had to choose between God's justness, or God's mercy.

I told him I would pick God's mercy any time. Not because it goes down more easy on myself... but because God would still have been just without His mercy, but He chose to be merciful as well.

I guess that's what love is. He didn't have to, but He did.

The next time one of us starts to think of our boyfriends or girlfriends "Well, its nothing really special that he did. After all, he's the boyfriend", we would do well to remember that he didn't need to... but he did.

And we can learn to appreciate it, instead of brushing off the person's gesture of love.

Narnian Legacies

Last night I finished reading “The Final Battle”, the last book in C.S. Lewis’ “The Chronicles of Narnia”. I don’t know what is it about this book particularly, but just exactly as it happened the last time round, after I finished reading the book, I put it down and started sobbing uncontrollably. Somehow between the emotions the book stirred up in me, of longing, of beauty, of hope and of even fear… somehow my reaction was to finally give vent to everything that was going on inside of me with 15 mins of violent sobs.

Inside of me I was absolutely bewildered at my reaction also, but I just couldn’t help the tears that came out. But after I managed to calm down, I had a bit of time to sort through all that was going on in my head when reading that book.

I think… of all the Christian analogies and allusions that could be found within the series, the most obvious ones were all found inside “The Last Battle”. From the despair and hopelessness of the situation that Prince Tirian found himself in – which mirrors the situation so many of us feel when dealing with the odds we’re up against in life, to the helplessness of even Aslan Himself to make the dwarves see Him for who He is – which so often mirrors our own obstinacy to acknowledge God when He moves to speak to us in our lives… there were so many things to be picked out from the book, and to marvel at how cleverly Lewis had inserted all the elements of Christian Theology into a book that spoke to children.

I looked at my illustrated copy of the book, and the picture of the 7 children who were the kings and queens of Narnia, and I couldn’t help but think of the verse where Jesus said “Let the little children come to me, for theirs is the kingdom of God.” There was even a reminder within that, where Susan did not return to Narnia as High Queen because she had turned too worldly grown-up, and rejected Narnia as a fairy-tale.

So many thoughts were running through my head today as I spent the whole morning and half the afternoon talking to a very old friend of mine. At one point in time our discussions became very heated as he accused me of wanting to stop him from realising his dreams, not having faith in him to be able to do what he wanted, and not trusting him to know his own limits.

I was very hurt by the conversation, to be honest. To have someone whom I’ve spent so much time and effort nurturing a friendship that dates easily over ten years turn around and basically push me away because he thought I was in the way of him realizing his dreams isn’t something easy to swallow. And even though he apologized afterwards and we basically ended the whole day on an amicable note, I couldn’t stop thinking about it for the rest of the day. It drained me enough to can my plans to go to the gym, and I ended up sleeping for 4 straight hours.

The gist of our argument had revolved around my hesitance to endorse him on the career track he wanted to pursue. So I had started out by warning him of the consequences of his choice… and that I needed to point out to him how as difficult as it may be to do in real life, we have a duty to God even before we have a duty to our family. That when we compromise our Christian principles, or even embark on that slippery slope, the price we end up paying at the end of the day is so much higher than we thought it would be.

His reply to me was “At this point in time, I need to choose between the two. It is impossible for me to be both a Christian, and to pursue my career. And if it is what it takes, I’ll choose my career… for now.”

I never knew how much it hurts to see a brother of more than 10 years in church say that to my face. Until today. And yet I guess now that I’ve had more tie to think about it, he only articulated what so many have actually done… including my sister and her husband. Yet both of them would not see themselves as having separated their faith from their work… they only will say justify it as a temporal phase which does not count as compromise.

“The Last Battle” painted the beautiful idea of the Shadowlands… where the Narnia we read about in the first 6 books is but a shadow of the real Narnia that is revealed only at the end. A Narnia within a Narnia!! So that even when the end seemed to have come for Narnia at the last battle, Aslan actually had something better in mind…

At this point in my life it was a poignant reminder that even as so many around me are seemingly overwhelmed with the events in their life that threatens to break them beyond what they can bear, what happened to Narnia and to Prince Tirian brought to mind what Paul says in Romans, that “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.” The question “Doesn’t God care that what is happening to me now is probably going to kill me?” suddenly has an answer that makes sense.

I think it was the sum of so many biblical principles that I was reminded of just by reading that last book, that made it feel like almost a personal rebuke from God of how much I myself have lost the plot in my own walk with God, and forgotten so many of these principles that I cherished so much when I was 17…. In my bedroom and on my bed, when I was sobbing uncontrollably, it felt as if Aslan Himself was in the room and I was so afraid to meet Him because I knew I wouldn’t be able to give up a good account of myself.

I guess after spending so much of my time moping over the apparent under-achievements of my life, be it academically, financially or career-wise, just for last night and tonight, I am ashamed of myself for having not stopped to ask why I don’t feel any sense of regret at my under-achievements for God. Henry wanted us on Sunday to spend time this week before Missions Sunday, to really think abt God’s calling in our own lives, and how we are all to become the living sacrifices that is expected of us. I guess that given my inertia to do so, God decided to give me the shove I needed…

VERY Random Sleep-Deprived Thoughts

Can’t sleep. Haven’t really slept for quite a while already, actually…

So I was thinking to myself…

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Lots of people have said that I have this tendency to repeat myself. Lots of people have said that I have this tendency to repeat myself.

Hehz…

But I guess those who say it are just the people who have spent way too much time with me, much more than they should, so that basically whatever I have made of my 27 years of life has already been shared with them already. I mean, after a while I run out of new things to say because there’s only so much that I know, and so much that I actually do believe in.

I remember this line that came up in “Scrubs”, where J.D. was commenting that “Sometimes, when all you have are old words, you can only string them together and hope they say something new.”

Ever felt that way before? When you try to tell someone something that they’ve heard a million times before, yet you know of no other things to say to that person except the same old thing? And how you somehow decide in persist in telling that person one more time, in the hope that what you’ve been trying to say will finally sink in?

*******************************************
I really feel like I’m the odd one out in my family. No one in the family really seems to get me at all.

Tonight as I sit here and I blog, I have the very strong desire to actually just take the car out for a drive down to Sembawang Park. I just want some space, in a comfortable environment, so that I can take time out to be by myself… just to recharge my batteries.

But I can’t. My parents would genuinely think that I’m being nonsensical, and that its something totally unnecessary. At best they would allow me to do so, but they’d never understand why I’d want to do something like that, and they’d make their disapproval known.

It also appears that I’m the only one in my family who just isn’t smart enough, and not much of an over-achiever like all the rest of my extended family. The things I want to make of my life, no one even within my extended family would appreciate or understand.

Its nights like these that I harbor serious questions of whether or not I’m adopted…

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I wonder to myself what goes through the mind of a non-Christian who comes to church. Today our pastor was talking abt Community Service, abt Social Justice, and abt the responsibility we as Christian have, to be the salt and the light of the world by serving the needy, and reaching out to them the way Christ did. But he repeatedly raised the consideration that we need to watch what we do, lest the non-Christians should think that we only serve with an agenda of evangelism, or lest the non-Christians feel that we in the church tend to gather in a “holy huddle”, never venturing out of the walls of our sanctuary into the real world.

I knew there was at least one non-Christian sitting right behind me, who had been attending service on a regular basis recently… and I was musing to myself what must be going through his head.

I mean, if I step into a Hindu or Bhuddist temple, and I observe the elaborate teachings and rituals that they engage in within their walls, I know for sure I’d wonder at the lengths they go to, just to express their devotions to a being that I don’t believe even exists. Yet surely for a non-Christian who insists he doesn’t believe in God, what must be running through his mind everytime he comes to service, to observe our worship, our prayers, our offerings and our teachings… all in honor of a God that he doesn’t think is real!!!

Hehz… I know its disrepectful and not right, but I know inside the Hindu and Bhuddist temple, part of me would marvel at the lengths we are able to fool ourselves into seeing what isn’t real, and believe in what doesn’t exist. And I’d look at the believers with an internal incredulity, wondering just what it would take for them to open their eyes to the folly of their ways…

And so I can’t help wondering if the guy sitting right behind me is thinking that of me!!!!

Sad huh? But it was something that actually bugged me, that someone right behind me might be thinking I’m a deluded and pitiful lunatic, giving my life to a cause that he sees as being nonsensical.

Sigh.

My ego is such a nightmare sometimes.

Grins.

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I again went back to the thought that came over me a few days ago, wondering how to refine it. It’s a pretty rough idea, and obviously in its current form its so simplistic and over-generalized to the extent that its pretty nonsensical…

But I was toying with the idea of how our human nature is always inclined to firstly see the things we want to see (i.e., be biased towards any and every situation), and secondly to always have an instinctive tendency to protect ourselves from hurt.

So when it comes to hard decisions we have to make, where one of the options invariably sets us up for a lot of pain, or that needs to be made at great cost to ourselves, we usually always see a reason to decide against paying the price. So much so that I’m tempted to tell myself that everytime I know I have a strong inclination to not make a decision because of the situation I’m in, the choice that is harder to make is probably the right choice to make.

Of course, many around me would protest at the fatalism that I speak of, and accuse me of spouting nonsense.

At this point in time I’m even inclined to agree.

But I want to spin this idea around in my head longer, and see if I can polish it more.

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Ah well.

I should just go sleep, I guess.

With any luck when I wake up tomorrow, Man Utd would have pulled off the sensational signing of Steven Gerard and Fernando Torres for a combined fee of ₤25 million, while having sold off Van Nistelrooy for ₤15 million.

With even more luck, I’d wake up and find that the past 4 years I’ve actually been in a deep coma from a serious accident, and I’m really the only son of a multi billionaire and I look like Brad Pitt.

Grins.

TMD

I happened to walk into a section of Cold Storage where a promoter was selling organic health products… you know, the kind where they mix a lot of stuff you want to have nothing to do with together, and try to convince you that if you but have faith, it shall do wonder to your health… The woman promoter sensed my curiosity in her wares, and struck up a lively conversation with me.

“Sir,”, the woman began “would you like to get some products for yourself? We have over thirty types of grain, each with different properties that will help you to improve your health. In fact, we have 5 different mixes that are each specifically tailored to suit your every need. Just for you, I would like to recommend the DIET mix, that will help you to shed your extra pounds and give you back your health…”

I didn’t hear anything after that, since I was too bothered by an eye condition that suddenly afflicted me. I was seeing everything through a red haze, and I could feel hot air being pumped out at high velocity through my nostrils, as I strove to stave off what I can only assume to be my panic, since I had a sudden impulse to reach out and throttle the neck of that woman in front of me.

To my credit, I politely smiled and “no thanks”.

Later on in the evening, my pastor’s wife, one of the most benevolent women I have ever met, and whom I absolutely adore, came up to me and innocently inquired how is it that our jogging team has been too busy to make it a regular event… I asked how she realized we hadn’t been jogging regularly anymore, highly impressed with the level of interest she showed in us youths, to the extent that she is even aware of our little jogging clique’s activities. And right at this point in time she raised her eyebrow, looked me over with her eyes and said “Well, it shows”.

TMD.

Everyday...

Maybe I’m just in that state of mind again to think back to the past. Maybe it’s a combination of so many things that have happened to me lately… from things I watched, to books I read, to songs I’ve heard, or people I’ve spoken to…

I really liked so much of what Lisa Loeb wrote. The way she is able to draw pictures through her lyrics, or use her songs to paint a mood… Back in my JC days when she used to be quite popular, I used to listen to the few that I knew again and again… And as I grew up and my collection expanded, she inevitably had a song for just about any mood I was in.

I remember how this was one of three songs that I kept going back to every time I thought of Grace in the first 2 years of my break-up with her. I used to wonder what Lisa Loeb meant when she said “Love turned its back just to stand in my way”… after the break-up I couldn’t understand why I didn’t get it at first.

Love turned its back on me three years ago, and even until this day that relationship continues to be what haunts me… the things that I’m now so scared of that I don’t think its possible for me to ever plunge into it again.

“How appropriate that the song is called ‘Everyday’”, I used to muse… since it literally was a thought that I obsessed over, every single day. My prayer back then was to ask God for just a 24 hr window where I could stop thinking abt it… I was so tired… and God knows how much more everyone around me was tired of hearing me on that same topic over and over again.

I sat down listening to a Ravi Zacharias sermon today, on the topic “Leadership Without Compromise”. Unexpectedly, he swerved into a testimony of how God allowed every single dream of his youth to crumble and disappear, at great personal cost and embarrassment to himself, only for him to look back in hindsight to see God’s guiding hand always keeping watch over him. He ends up with an encouragement to “all who are broken hearted, all who are hurting, and all who carry within themselves pain so deep they can never share”, saying that he now realizes “When God stops you dead in your tracks, and denies you whatever you have worked so hard at achieving, it means that He is not through with you.”

And this is what I hate about MRTs, because you sit facing each other. When you find a rush of tears threatening to come out, there’s no place to turn your face away, unlike on a bus. And I guess I was also very surprised by my own reaction. I thought I was over my recent spate of feeling sorry for myself. Apparently still waters run deep, albeit in the negative sense here. All my efforts to tell myself I have finally moved on sufficiently to cope with the reality of what my life has turned into has obviously backfired. Or at least, failed abjectly.

I guess sometimes the road to recovery takes a lot longer than what we ourselves project… and often times, recovery can only happen progressively, as the latent emotions we suppress are finally allowed to slowly rise back to the surface.

Either that, or I’m just feeling sorry again for myself. Simply ignore this post then.

Hehz…

Eternity In Our Hearts

Saw this memorial plaque at Tecman when I was down today, and the writing on it just somehow really captured me. Some of you have probably seen it before, but it was the first time for me.


The Broken Chain
We little knew that morning that
God was going to call your name.
In life we loved you dearly.
In death we do the same.

It broke our hearts to lose you.
You did not go alone,
For part of us went with you
The day God called you home.

You left us peaceful memories.
Your love is still our guide.
And though we cannot see you,
You are always at our side.

Our family chain is broken
And nothing seems the same,
But as God calls us one by one,
The Chain will link again.


I stood there for quite a while… thinking… of what someone very dear shared with me recently just how much she dreaded the day her grandmother would depart from this earth, and how much she wishes she would receive Christ so that there’s a reunion in store for them. I thought of how that day by the sea at Sembawang Park I was thinking to myself how I would have reacted to the sudden loss of anyone so very dear to myself, and if I would be able to see past the grief to the reunion awaiting. And in those few seconds that felt like minutes as I stood there just soaking in the words on the plaque, I could picture in my head the different people whom I don’t think I could stand to lose… whom I would rather it had been me who had departed instead.

To makes things worse, the very recent passing of John Spencer of The West Wing, and the way they wrote that into the script itself again surfaced in my mind. I wondered abt Bartlett and the way they captured the grief of a president who lost his best friend… and then I asked myself just how much more the grief must be to have walked the greater part of my life with a few dear to me, and to suddenly feel the vacuum of their loss. Just leaving the country to study overseas proved to be Mission Impossible to me. What more the farewell that is for a lifetime.

Maybe its the fact that The West Wing has just screened its last episode ever that’s gotten me this way also… I’m just really sorry to see it go. Seven full seasons. And I really loved every single one of them.

I guess I was really very much captured by the plaque because it again reminded me that there is an eternal perspective to consider. That the chain now being slowly broken is being linked back together again on the other side of the world. And the work of the Christian is but to try and make sure as many people make it back again into that chain over there.

Weimin told me last night that "all things will work out in His time" to encourage me, when I was again back at my park. Unknown to her, its one of my favorite verses, from one of my favorite books. The full verse itself, coupled with what I read today on the plaque made the whole moment doubly poignant.

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”
-Ecclesiates 3:11

Eternity in our hearts. Everytime I can’t fathom what God’s doing in my life, I’m thankful for my restlessness with this life, because I know that deep inside my heart there is a longing for an eternity in store for me, far beyond my reach, and farther beyond my understanding.

Good Morning!!!! (Check The Posting Time)

It’s a really funny trait I have… that after every episode of euphoria that I experience, I inevitably sink into a state of melancholia. Maybe its because I realize I don’t have that special someone to share that joy with. Maybe its because I don’t think I deserve to be that happy. Maybe its because my instinct is to always prefer misery over joy. Or perhaps its simply because I quickly find that euphoria to be meaningless, and I realize I’m again back where I started in my quest to find a joy with substance.

And so it was for me tonight again, after watching Barcelona claw back from a goal down to finally claim the Champions League trophy, and after all the excitement from watching it at a friend’s place, I find myself soon enough driving away from there with all the excitement evaporating away fast. The emotional vacuum left behind by that really somehow got to me, and I somehow steered my way to Sembawang Park, by the sea… just to take a moment. I just didn’t feel like going home.

I always wonder that when Sinatra sang “My Way”, was it honesty, showmanship or bravado that made him declare “Regrets – I’ve had a few. But oh, too few to mention”. I was just reminded during the match that at the end of the day, it’s the winner who takes it all. The nice guy still finishes last. I walk off the face of the earth as a really good guy, but I still walked off it the way I came into it – by myself. All my ideals and the standards I set down for myself mean nothing at all if my life remains as inconsequential as it does now. In short, if I had lived a life as a cheap bastard who took to petty gains and indulged in selfish intents, there might have been a lot more to write of my life experience than what are on the pages of my life so far.

Maybe too many things around me recently made me again remember what I had lost, and made me wonder if it can ever be recovered. Maybe watching the last episode EVER of The West Wing has made me a tad too emotional and nostalgic tonight. Maybe I’m feeling really sad.

Or maybe I’m just really sad.

Grins.

Ah well.

I guess the most important thing to know is that Barcelona beat Arsenal 2-1.

Hehz…

Self-Scrutiny

******************************************
To answer your question from this afternoon:

Yes, I believe in the exclusivity of choice in finding one’s love. I believe that if I met a girl that I set my heart on, I would never be able to look another girl in the eye and tell her I love her… I would rather be alone without her. And I expect the same of the girl. She must also show that same inclination towards an exclusive commitment. So yes, I think my friend made the right decision when he decided not to pursue his relationship with that girl who was attached. Its become increasingly clear that she still doesn’t know what she wants, even though she is approaching marriage in less than half a year. I imagine him being in the shoes of the groom-to-be, and I shudder at how painful that marriage is going to turn out.

And yes, I know you keep telling me you believe in going after what we want in life… but I feel that if it’s a decision that has to be made by two, it isn’t as simple as that. Thus my consistently single status, and your… fluctuations. Grins.

Get over it la. I honestly think I’m better off than you.

At least, just tonight I do.

******************************************

I read finished “Out Of The Storm”, a book on Job. Yes, “Job” in the bible. I’m not getting desperate for a job. Hahahaha…

I think I really liked some of the things the author said… and how he managed to distill the poetry out of all 42 chapters, and put it into prose form inside the book… so that people like me who actually really loathe poetry can also appreciate the Book of Job.

I guess any writer would be hard-pressed to say anything good abt three of Job’s friends, who started with the good intentions of comforting Job, yet ended up dishing out their brand of theology against their perception of the self-righteousness of Job. The writer talked abt many Christians having a simplistic notion of how a just God will inevitably reward those who please him, and punish those who sin… and how there are those who extrapolate that, transforming it into the Prosperity Theology.

I sat there and started asking myself abt the other group of Christians that I’ve met in my life. They don’t have the expectation of God’s blessing and riches being poured out for obedience, but they expect our spiritual disciplines to inevitably reap tangible fruit. Thus, I’ve heard them claim before that they believe a blameless life is achievable in this lifetime, if they jealously guard their walk with God. My obvious discomfort stems from the confidence that even though they would protest how such a discipline is done by the strength of God, such a claim inevitably puts stock by how we are able to achieve what we set out to do, if we but try.

I personally tend to put a lot more stock by the habit of living under the grace and mercy of God.

However, these are Christians that I respect, that have a pretty well-balanced theology and wholistic approach to their faith. Yet such a spiritual severity leaves very little room for weaknesses, since the implicit rationale is that if you stumble, you do so because you are weak. (In fact, that was what the three friends had to say abt Job… that he was weak…)

There was a small part of Sunday’s sermon that comes to mind… where my pastor was talking abt how there is a tendency for people who set standards to ascertain spirituality, to end up with “spiritual pride”. This is when someone who sees himself on an elevated platform of spirituality, starts (consciously or otherwise) seeing how others are lacking in their approach to their faith. Such people tend to give one the feeling of inadequacy, that they are constantly being measured up on their “current state of spirituality”… thus I find myself watching what I say in front of them (for my proud person hates to be judged and found wanting), and becoming more and more unreal in front of them. Eventually I find that I’d rather cut away from them rather than feel like a hypocrite, which in a sense fulfils their projection of me as a person who never was interested in growth and so chose to avoid them.

Again I stress that these aren’t your pompous-assed Christians who trumpet how spiritual they are. These are leaders you find in every ministry, and this is a trait we’ll prob find to a certain degree in every one of us. Those who make such claims are also always quick to stress their own fallibility and sinfulness… yet its puzzling how their words and attitude continue to project the sense that they keep on remaining on their pedestals as they relate to others… So much so that I fancy they must distinguish themselves to be better than me, just lesser than God.

Ever met your fair share of such people? Bet you have.

I like what someone once said to me – true humility never speaks out against what they see… they let their quietly faithful acts of love speak for themselves.

I guess as more and more plans start to form for the Second Service, and my tendency to be a nay-sayer surfaces more and more, God has given up on subtlety when He put that book in my hands. It’s a clear enough reminder that I need to continue to offer solutions instead of offer up more problems… and to always “consider others better than self”…

My Mei Is ZE BEST!!!!!

Those wishing to apply, drop me an email with your name, number, and bank account balance!!!

Bring Me To Life

So much has been happening around me lately… everyone around me is either heart-broken, having a lot on their minds, finally allowing the hurts they’ve held back to surface, or else just plain exhausted. Me? I’m a little of everything, and also pretty much none of the above.

Seeing someone go through the first break-up in her life was… I dunno, in a way… cathartic. Watching and hearing her go through the same set of questions I asked myself repeatedly during my own break-up, it was like going through an epiphany, realizing that these really were the kind of questions people asked… that I wasn’t over-doing things when I took it so hard. So I guess it was cathartic in that seeing her go through the same struggle that I was asking myself every night, I could finally detach myself from that experience, and perhaps in doing so, peel off yet another layer of what still remains of my emotions and reactions towards Grace.

I think I like being around hurting people… I’ve always had a problem opening up abt what’s going on inside myself. Everytime I wanted to, I find that I either find it so trivial that I’m embarrassed to confess how it stirred such a strong emotion inside of me… otherwise I’m still very confused abt what exactly I’m feeling apart from just the fact that I know I’m hurting inside. Its also like this blog, where there’s so much more inside that I wanted to put down… but to do so would be like pulling oxygen molecules out of the air. I know they’re there, but I dunno how to extract it, and materialize it in a tangible form.

So as an alternative, being around hurting people teaches me to channel my hurts into something more useful, as I attempt to transform the hurt into an ability to empathize with what they go through, and to be able to let them know they are in the presence of someone who also grieves deep inside. Its prob one of the only times when I feel like I'm any good to anyone at all. Being around them also helps me to sort out for myself why there’s so much going on inside of me that I don’t understand. As they share abt what the feel, and they share abt their own struggles, it sometimes helps me to put a finger on what it is that I’m bothered with.

Remember how Solomon asked for wisdom when asked what is the one wish he had? He asked for wisdom… and I guess for me the next best thing would be to ask that I know better what it is that I really want. I seem to always vacillate between the things I want… and then remain utterly clueless the rest of the time, unable to figure out why I don’t seem to want anything else. I used to be so sure abt everything… from the school I wanted to attend, to the opinions I had on issues and people, even the girl I loved and wanted to marry. Ten years later I find myself in such a mess inside, increasingly unable to answer any question at all, be it what I want to do with my life, with ministry, and with my heart.

Sp I resort to letting life drift on day by day…

I tell myself somehow my job opportunities will surface and I will be employed. I end up doing very little, always unable to decide to do something since I can never be sure that such a job is something I’d want to do.

I tell myself my studies will eventually be over and done with, and get my degree. I then sit back and refuse to allow myself to think abt the path ahead of me, waiting for things to sort itself out eventually.

I tell myself I need to go easy on myself and not keep pandering so hard after a relationship… “if the right one comes along, then God-willing something will happen”, I tell myself. I therefore keep putting brakes on myself, in order to ensure that I don’t try to play God in picking a girl… and I end up just waiting and waiting, running away from any possibilities that might show up in front of me.

I tell myself my spiritual life is just going through a dry spell and that God has a reason for letting so much go on to, around and inside of me… So I sit back and will myself to bullishly refuse to think if its really a spiritual dryness I’m going through, or the result of the walls I’ve built that effectively shut God out of my life.

I tell myself that with all the troubles I’m going through, I will come out a better person if I but keep it together and not lose faith in God… not till lately have I started to question what that faith ought to look like, and how it should look so different from any misconceptions or pressumptions I might have had.

Its very tiring to face up to questions I’ve become conditioned to avoid, and even harder to even find back the questions I should be asking myself. In the meantime, the past few nights I’ve had reason to stay up in the dead of the night, and just take stock of things that’s going on inside of me… and sorting out the things I should learn to tell people instead of bottling it up, and the things that I think should remain unsaid. Nights like these are the things I missed the most when I was working… how it forced me to switch off a part of my life that takes place between 12 and 6 in the morning, where I try to get in touch or stay in touch with myself.

Ah well. I’m now taking a break after my intensive study period… but I need to break out of my shell and again face up to the world.

Its moments like these where I suddenly appreciate why death would be such a sweet release… and why it would be the highest form of cowardice.

How???

I was asked last night why is it that I don’t ever cry in front of people. And I guess except for the rare worship session or prayer session where I break down in tears, its true that no one has ever seen me cry… if Grace ever did, she can definitely count the number of times with just one hand.

I think its hard to answer that question… I have no problems crying when I’m alone… usually its in my room at abt 3 in the morning… couple of times I did it at the swing in my park… always when no one’s around, of course. Lots of things actually move me to tears when I’m alone, actually. I bawled all three times when I watched Les Miserables, and both times I caught Miss Saigon. And I also teared quite a bit when watching the Passion of Christ. I guess that’s abt as far as I’m willing to go, when it comes to crying in front of people – when people aren’t/can’t directly looking at me…

I’ve never been one to go open with my emotions, and what is it that I’m really struggling with… the things that I’m bitching abt are usually the superficial ones… not that they aren’t valid concerns that trouble me… (sometimes, they’re actually more valid than the things that bug me more, that are bothering me deep inside… Hehz..) The only time I really tell people what’s bugging me is if they spot it, and then ask me… In other words, I dun tell people things… I confess things.
Hahahahaha…

Ah well…

I was also asked how I react when I sense that a girl is coming on to me… Well, to be honest, I dun get that very often if at all la. Blame it on a low self-esteem (or mebbe a pretty accurate self-assessment), I think I’ve had less than 3 girls in my life who would have at some time in our friendship considered me as anything other than just a good friend. The other occasions were a lot more direct than that… the girls just came up straight to me and told me how they felt abt me. And every time it happened, I just lost my head and handled the whole thing very badly… In my defence, I think I hardly know them… so their sudden declaration really freaked me out… Hehz…

But I guess I really do have a problem. After my previous relationship, I told myself I’m not going go end up with someone I haven’t known very long, because its very easy to get into a relationship when you feel its right, but very hard to get out of one after realizing its wrong. In something so important, I’m not going to engage in an activity that is tantamount to gambling, with my heart and my feelings as stake.

BUT… I’m always reluctant to jeopardize a good friendship. After having crossed over into the realm of a commitment, it is impossible to rescind all that, and revert back to the state of being good friends… in other words, I’m equally unwilling to gamble when what’s at stake is a friendship I cherish

SO… I think I’m pretty screwed. The more I think she’s worth chasing as a life partner, the more I’m unwilling to risk losing her in my life altogether… Accepting it as “that’s the way it is” somehow just isn’t good enough for me. So until I figure out how to resolve this dichotomy, I guess a dog still remains my most viable alternative…

Of course, in my current state of inconsequential existence, without a job and without a degree, I would be the one reaping all the benefits whilst she’d be the one drawing all the short straws. It’s a bit hard to tell a girl how much I love her, whilst at the same time inflicting that on her. Grins.

Am I being too hard on myself? After all, I see people who just plunge into one and it seems to turn out alright. I mean, I don’t think I want to be in their shoes, but they seem to have stuck together all these years, and they seem to be able to live with the issues they have to deal with. Maybe its like what I said, we all choose to see what we want to see, and ignore what we don’t want to see, so that we get what we want.

And maybe that’ll be what happens to me also when I finally commit. Maybe all this rhetoric abt not compromising will soon enough be forgotten when I’m in a relationship. Hehz…

If that happens… someone stab me.

Please?