The Life And Sol of Manchester United

With an outstretched right boot, Ole Solskjaer wrote his name into Manchester United legend.

Using the poacher’s instinct that has served him so well, he latched on to Teddy Sheringham’s nod down and diverted the ball into the roof of the Bayern Munich net.

“And Solskjaer has won it”. The recording of Clive Tyldesley’s commentary from that night at the Nou Camp still sends a shudder down every United fan’s spine.

Some even wake up to it as the recorded message on Manchester United alarm clocks.

Sheringham had equalised just moments before in injury time as United completed the most remarkable comeback in European Cup history to lift the trophy in 1999.

Few could have been more deserving than Solskjaer of that 2-1 win in Barcelona. But that is not the only reason he was adored by United fans. In an age of football celebrities, Solskjaer has always been a man who exudes humility.

Married with two children, you will rarely see him pictured in Manchester’s nightspots or in glossy magazines. He is simply a footballer and family man.

Once dubbed The Baby-faced Assassin, it seems almost inconceivable that at 34 his career is at an end.

He has undergone intense hard work in the gym, numerous operations, false dawns and heartache.

Now he has finally had to surrender to the knee problems that have blighted him since September 2003. Solskjaer had just scored United’s third goal in a 5-0 win over Panathinaikos in the Champions League when his knee went seven minutes later.

It seemed innocuous enough as he chased on to a Paul Scholes pass.

Solskjaer said: “My thigh bone and shin had knocked together and I got a hole in my cartilage.

“It just goes to show that you have to enjoy what you’re doing because the smallest things can cause the biggest problems.”

Since then, he only played a handful of games until last season when it seemed he had finally shaken off the problem.

In that campaign, Solskjaer made 30 appearances, 14 of them starts, scoring 11 goals. He was the club’s third-top scorer behind Wayne Rooney and Cristiano Ronaldo. But, in June, he reported feeling some discomfort while training in Norway.

Solskjaer needed another minor knee operation — and this time it would be the last.

After much soul-searching with his family and manager Alex Ferguson, he has brought down the curtain on a brilliant career.

During the darkest days of his rehabilitation, Solskjaer gave an insight into what wearing the United No 20 shirt again meant to him.

He said: “It means everything to me to wear this red shirt again. That’s all that matters to me. I have seen myself playing again on many nights — but then I woke up.”

Life will initially be tough for a man who adored playing at Old Trafford and who was loved back in equal measure. One banner at the ground reads ‘2OLEgend’. His name has been sung consistently through his injury problems — something that has kept his spirits up.

He once said: “Obviously, it makes you feel proud.

“I think I now realise even more what that goal in the Nou Camp meant when I listen to the crowd.”

‘You are my Solskjaer’ to the tune of ‘You are My Sunshine’ and ‘Who Put the Ball in the Germans’ Net’, are two of the most popular songs on the Stretford End.

You can also bet the fans will be in full voice again on Saturday when United face Sunderland in the first game since Solskjaer decided to call it a day.

No doubt the club will bring him out on to the pitch for a final bow.

Solskjaer previously said: “There is something special about this place.

“I’ve always been the sort of person that when I feel for something, it sticks to my heart. Here, I felt welcome from the first day I arrived. The gaffer has been great to me.

“The club, the players — I couldn’t ask for any more.

“Every player that leaves here says you don’t know what you’re leaving until you’ve left because this is the place to be.

“This club means so much to me and I just feel totally at home here.”

As a child, Solskjaer trained as a wrestler — his father was a Norwegian national champion.

For someone so slight, he showed incredible determination and that has served him well throughout his years at United.

He was signed from Norwegian side Molde in July 1996 after United missed out on Alan Shearer, who opted for Newcastle.

When Tottenham offered £5.5million for him in 1998, Ferguson left the final decision up to the player. United fans and Ferguson are thankful Solskjaer decided to stick it out.

As well as starring for United for a decade he also made 67 appearances for his country, scoring 23 goals.

Solskjaer appeared for Norway at both the France 98 World Cup and Euro 2000.

His glorious career brought him 10 major medals for United — six Premier League titles, two FA Cups, a League Cup and, of course, the European Cup.

Once when asked why he was so loved at United, Solskjaer’s reply was typically humble.

He said: “I suppose because the fans know I have always given 100 per cent and I have done the best that I could do with the talent that I was given.”

He did much more than that — and Manchester United will never forget him for it.

My Wishlist

Hehz...

Its finally coming out... the Palm Treo 755. For those of you who agonising what to buy me for my birthday that's past, or Christmas that's coming up, you'll be pleased to know that I will find favour with this gift. Grins.

Basically, I've turned my back on the Windows OS. I've decided to sell out to the Palm OS... basically cos the Windows OS usually costs 300 bucks more.

Distance

"I've never found a companion as companionable as solitude." – Henry David Thoreau

Ever heard someone say to you before that "misery loves company"? I think that's a very misleading statement. Don't get me wrong, I know exactly what its getting at, and I agree with the sentiment completely. But it's quite different from what I'm gonna be talking about.

I think... pain was never meant to be something shared. Its too personal, too exclusive to the person involved. My loss will never be understood by you, and your pain will always be seen on the outside by me. The best I'll be able to do is to share the burdens that your loss causes. Just like how you'll never be able to truly understand the depth of my pain, and where I'm coming from.

Happiness is so much easier to share, since its much easier to vicariously bask in someone else's' triumph, and partake of another's glory.

I finished reading the last Harry Potter book... and it just struck me that in a book that basically unraveled all the mysteries of the previous 6 books put together, the disclosures were mostly all about the hurt and pain that were borne alone by the different characters. Dumbledore, Snape and Harry – bound by a common tacit agreement between them that their suffering would not have been met agreeably by society – even those closest to them. Thus, instead of increasing their heavy burdens with the need to justify their hurts, it was the more practical and merciful option that they chose to hide it from everyone else.

There were plenty around them who helped to bear their burdens, especially Harry – for whom many died protecting him... but ultimately there's no denying that aside from Voldemort himself, the 3 loneliest characters in the book remain the 3 most pivotal characters of the entire series – Harry, Snape and Dumbledore.

My point being?

Maybe its that the last book leaves me with a lot of regrets... emotions stirred up by it, feeling sorry that we've more or less seen the last of Hogwarts and that lightning scar of the Boy-Who-Lived. Perhaps its just things that have happened around me that served as a trigger, both consciously as well as subconsciously. Or perhaps its just the weather turning a little dreary.

But anyway, it seems that even so many years after what has happened, and despite all that I've tried to say abt the issue, I've come to personally realize that other people will always be people on the outside looking in, with their own take on matters, devoid of the sort of personal experience that only I have. In fact, each time I mention it now, I become the victim once again, being castigated as one who has failed to move on. Much easier to keep it inside, since its not helping anyone anyway.

Worse thing is, I know that if the roles were reversed, I'd be doing the exact same thing, picking open another's scar, then pouring salt on the wound all over again. I know. I've done that. Rather than doing it to another again, I think I'd prefer sticking to sharing someone joy instead.

The price to pay for sharing one's burdens is just a bit too high, since I'll never know when I'm actually wrenching another person's soul in the name of what I always thought would be good for that person. I don't have that kind of wisdom.

Transformers!!!

Nopes. Nothing abt them amazing boyhood heroes of mine... but its really funny how the lyrics of the song for Henry and Bernice's wedding started and how it ended up...

Its a duet... blue is the male's part, red is the lady's part. Black means sing together.

Version 1:

你从缠绕丝弦中走来，像一把温柔低音，回旋在我心愿中
你从零乱音符里走来，如一首轻盈小调，萦绕在我守候里
终日祈求成韵，思念也成曲

每当我心中飘荡起 点点凌乱愁绪，总会落在你的表情里
每当我眉宇间凝着 一出小小悲剧，总会上演在你心里
但愿忧伤只是人生的小插曲
请你放心（女：我会放心），一生相守才是主旋律

我藏着一辈子的相思，
只为了这一天，我能把一辈子的相思都套在你的无名指；
我留着一辈子的心事，
只为了这一生，我能用一辈子的心事染白你的发丝

愿把袮放在心上如印记...
戴在臂上如戳记...
因爱永不止息

Penned by Weilun, of course... the first draft was so unreadable that even my mom was struggling a little with it... This was unilaterally rejected by all who read it as unfeasible... thus chasing Weilun back to the drawing block to come up with a new draft.

Version 2:

主啊，我感谢袮
袮不愿意看我在世孤单独处
袮创造她做我肉中肉骨中骨
我今把承诺套在她的无名指
从此我的姓氏就是她的名字

虽然未来有风雨
也有失意的小插曲
且让一生赞美袮
且让一世称谢袮
成为我俩人生的主旋律

主啊，我感谢袮
在我人生漫长空白的五线谱
袮让她成为美丽跳跃的音符
每次弹弄琴键是感恩的诗篇
每次拨动琴弦就诉说你恩典

纵然年岁如流沙
任凭这世界常变化
至于我和我的家
至于我和我的她
我们必定要事奉耶和华

This was seen as a much better improvement by those who read it, and so we provisionally acepted this draft. Weilun said he's not too satisfied with it, so he said he'll work on it some more and come up with his final draft.

Version 3:

袮说我独居不好需要个帮手
袮创造她做我骨中骨肉中肉
我今把承诺套在她的无名指
从此我的姓氏就是她的名字

袮牵我手悄然领我到他面前
他的惊喜牵动我初绽的眷恋
从此他把我放在心上如印记
亦如把我戴在臂上如戳记

仿佛凌乱的音符跃然成曲
爱不止息是一生的主旋律
每一次弹弄琴键是一首感恩的诗篇
每一次拨动琴弦是一段委身的誓言

袮深爱我们不离不弃
愿结为一体相随相依
纵然年岁稍纵即逝如流沙
任凭世界沧海桑田多变化

至于我和我的家
至于我和我的她
我们必定要事奉耶和华

So this was the final version that I was given by Weilun, before he left for China on a short trip.

We started writing the song after he's back, we worked on the melody together...and after trying damn hard to squeeze ths lyrics into a melody, we made some revisions here and there and this is the final product that we put up on 30th June 2007...

Final Version:

袮深爱我
袮说我独居不好需要个帮手
袮从我肋骨深处造她做我配偶
我今把承诺套在她无名指
从此我的姓氏就是她的名字

袮牵我手悄然领我到他面前
他的惊喜牵动我初绽的眷恋
从此他把我放心上如印记
亦如把我戴在臂上如戳记

袮深爱我们不离不弃
愿结为一体相随相依
纵然年岁稍纵即逝有如流沙
凭世间沧海桑田多变化

至于我和我的家
至于我和我的他
我们必定要事奉耶和华

仿佛凌乱的音符跃然成曲
爱不止息是一生的主旋律

Talk about Transformers...

Butterfly Brain

I just realized that with my pastor Lijuan's wedding this weekend, the prolonged spate of weddings in my church has finally come to a bit of close...

I always wanted to post abt Henry and Bernice's wedding 2 weeks ago, but never had any inspiration, and decided to postpone it instead of rambling.

But I'm still stuck. So I shall just commit such an event to the memory of this blog, and state that Henry and Bernice were married 2 weeks ago on the 30th of June 2007.

There.

Grins.

Ah well.

So there I was, thinking abt how glad I was that the weddings have finally come to an end... and how everyone can finally take a break and feel like they have more time to themselves over the weekends... and this song popped up into my head.

Butterfly Kisses
Bob Carlisle

There's two things I know for sure
She was sent here from heaven and she's Daddy's Little Girl
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night
She talks to Jesus and I close my eyes
And I thank God for all of the joy in my life
Oh but most of all

For butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer
Sticking little white flowers all up in hair
"Walk beside the pony Daddy
It's my first ride
I know the cake looks funny Daddy
But I sure tried"
Oh with all that I've done wrong I must have done something right
To deserve a hug every morning and butterfly kisses at night

Sweet 16 today
She's looking like her momma a little more every day
One part woman the other part girl
To perfume and make-up ribbons and pearls
Trying her wings out in a great big world
But I remember

Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair
"You know how much I love you Daddy
But if you don't mind
I'm only gonna kiss you on the cheek this time"
With all that I've done wrong I must have done something right
To deserve her love every morning and butterfly kisses at night

All the precious time
Oh like the wind the years go by
Precious butterfly
Spread your wings and fly

She'll change her name today
She'll make a promise and I'll give her away
Standing in the bride room just staring at her
She asks me what I'm thinking and I said "I'm not sure
I just feel like I'm losing my baby girl"
Then she leaned over and gave me

Butterfly kisses with her momma there
Stickin’ little white flowers all up in her hair
"Walk me down the aisle Daddy
It's just about time
Does my wedding gown look pretty Daddy?
Daddy don't cry"
Oh with all that I've done wrong I must have done something right
To deserve her love every morning and butterfly kisses

I couldn't ask God for more than this is what love is
I know I've got to let her go
But I'll always remember every hug in the morning and butterfly kisses

I still can remember the first time I heard this song... Class 95's Morning Express was still hosted by Joe Agustine and the Flying Dutchman. And It was FD, I believe... who introduced this song when it first came out. He kept going on abt this new song he was gonna play later that totally took his breath away and left him in tears... I was in the car on my way to school. (That roughly makes this song 11 yrs old, actually... Hehz...) And so when it was finally played on the radio, it really moved me as well.

Not just because of the lyrics that were penned, but the fact that a father would actually write such a song for his daughter...

See, Bob Carlisle wrote this song for his daughter, to be used at her wedding. Thing is - he wrote this for her after she was born, and kept it until her wedding day to sing it. How many fathers do you know would do this for their daughters??? (I kept telling myself I wanna do something liddat... but looking at the only 2 songs I've ever written in my life so far, I'm guessing I should stay away from song-writing, if nothing else then for my daughter's sake. Hahahahaha...)

Anyway, this post is the result of a few factors... a desperate lack of sleep, my demented and senile father who has again gone ballistics on my poor suffering mom, and the weddings that are taking place. The lack of sleep obviously resulted in my malfunctioning brain drawing a link between the events, and thus lumping it all together.

Ah well.

If nothing else, enjoy this song, guys.

Twists

Every year that passes, I see more and more the significance of praising God for being unchanging. Each passing year, I see just how transient anything can be… For all that I bitch and moan abt my life going nowhere and being stagnant, the amount of change in my life in the past year alone, has been staggering. Looking at the changes around me as well, and I am amazed at how fast everything can change. Some people got together, others broke up, yet even more got married… Britain changed a new PM, my church Second Service changed a new pastor, and Manchester United have bought a whole new team!!!

Hehz…

But seriously… looking back on the past year, I find that the only other time God has been this real to me, was when I lost just about everything I had, and experienced the reality of God being my all in all. This time round, I look back on all the change I see, and I experience as a tiny epiphany, how unchanging God is… how comforting that can be, and how its something I praise Him for. Change can be such a scary thing… uncertainty always brings insecurity… I finally appreciate why I sing that God is my anchor.

How apt too, that at this point in time, my cell group is covering the book of Ecclesiastes, waxing eloquently about how transient life is, and how inconsequential everything in life actually works out to be. Makes me think of the song Henry introduced to me, “When Its All Said And Done.”

I remember one night doing my quiet time and listening to this song…. And breaking down in my room as I prayed for God to take away my desire for such transient things. After my spectacular failure in life, the urge to make up for lost time very naturally translated into the race to hoard the earthly and material possessions that the world uses to benchmark one’s life – money, career, family, accomplishments…

And that night when God took that song and just jammed it down my throat and into my heart, I broke down because I felt His rebuke to me, chastising me for the way my heart had become. I was bitter, and eager to prove all those who wrote me off to be wrong… I wanted to earn back all that I lost, and more, so I can shove it in their faces. God rammed a different message down my face that night.

Looking back now… I am not sure how I am different. But that song continues to remain a favorite with me. It reminds me to watch the things I do, to keep in mind the bigger picture of how my life should be…

A good reminder to have on this birthday, as I again take stock of what lies ahead of my life… as I make plans and as I re-assess the things I want in my life… If what really matters is whether or not I have done my best to live for Truth, then that needs to figure quite prominently…

St. Francis of Assisi once said, “Preach the gospel always… and if necessary, use words.”

My birthday prayer for this year is that I learn to preach the gospel with my life… that everywhere I go, I will love Jesus so much that people around me can see that I am His disciple. (Perhaps then, I can legitimately get away with saying that I’m doing relational evangelism instead. Grins.)

Big wish? Sounds lofty and pompous? It’s the same simple wish that I made as a kid.

Looks like despite all the things around me that are changing, what really needs to change still hasn’t.

*sigh*

I need to grow UP. Not grow OLD.

Help.

(Speaking of growing up, I just watched Transformers. L-O-V-E-D it!!!!)

Dry Cleaner Wins Missing Pants Case

Every now and then, the legal system manages to get it right and avoid embarrassment. I seriously hope the judge who filed the suit gets disbarred, and banned from practicing.

He should also be ordered not only to pay the defendants' attorney fees, but also a compensation amount for distress caused.

************************************************************************
By LUBNA TAKRURI, Associated Press Writer
Mon Jun 25, 11:00 PM ET

WASHINGTON - No pair of pants is worth $54 million. A judge rejected a lawsuit Monday that sought that amount by taking a dry cleaner's promise of "Satisfaction Guaranteed" to its most litigious extreme.

Roy L. Pearson became a worldwide symbol of legal abuse by seeking jackpot justice from a simple complaint — that a neighborhood dry cleaners lost the pants from a suit and tried to give him a pair that were not his.

His claim, reduced from $67 million, was based on a strict interpretation of the city's consumer protection law — which imposes fines of $1,500 per violation — as well as damages for inconvenience, mental anguish and attorney's fees for representing himself.

But District of Columbia Superior Court Judge Judith Bartnoff ruled that the owners of Custom Cleaners did not violate the consumer protection law by failing to live up to Pearson's expectations of the "Satisfaction Guaranteed" sign once displayed in the store.

"A reasonable consumer would not interpret 'Satisfaction Guaranteed' to mean that a merchant is required to satisfy a customer's unreasonable demands," the judge wrote.

Bartnoff wrote that Pearson, an administrative law judge, also failed to prove that the pants the dry cleaner tried to return were not the pants he took in.

Bartnoff ordered Pearson to pay clerical court costs of about $1,000 to defendants Soo Chung, Jin Nam Chung and Ki Y. Chung. A motion to recover the Chungs' tens of thousands of dollars in attorney fees will be considered later.

"Judge Bartnoff has spoken loudly in suggesting that, while consumers should be protected, abusive lawsuits like this will not be tolerated," the Chungs' attorney, Chris Manning, said in a statement. "Judge Bartnoff has chosen common sense and reasonableness over irrationality and unbridled venom."

Speaking to reporters outside their dry cleaners, the Chungs said they held no hard feelings toward Pearson. "If he wants to continue using our services, then, yes, he is welcome," Soo Chung, a Korean immigrant, said through a translator.

Pearson, who came to court during the two-day trial earlier this month carrying the jacket he said went with the missing pants, did not respond to a call and an e-mail seeking comment.

The case began in 2005 when Pearson became a judge and brought several suits for alterations to Custom Cleaners in Washington. A pair of pants from one suit was missing when he requested it two days later.

Pearson asked the cleaners for the full price of the suit: more than $1,000.

But a week later, the Chungs said the pants had been found and refused to pay. Pearson said those were not his pants and decided to sue.

Over the course of the litigation, the Chungs said they made three settlement offers — $3,000, then $4,600, then $12,000 — all rejected.

The case garnered international attention and renewed calls for litigation reform.

"This case was giving American justice a black eye around the world, and it was all the more upsetting because it was a judge and lawyer who was bringing the suit," said Paul Rothstein, a Georgetown University law professor.

Rothstein said Monday's ruling "restores one's confidence in the legal system."

Calls have come from around the world for Pearson to lose his position on the bench and be disbarred. The city's chief administrative law judge is still considering Pearson's 10-year reappointment.

Some Of Football's Dumbest Quotes

Took this off The Sun Online, and thought it was really farny...

"I couldn't settle in Italy — it was like living in a foreign country."

Ian Rush reveals the reason behind his failed spell at Juventus.

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona."

Former Aston Villa playmaker Mark Draper points out where Ian Rush went wrong.

"The important thing was we got the three points."

Silverware clearly means nothing to Chelsea's Wayne Bridge following their Carling Cup final win against Arsenal. What is more worrying is that at no point on the way to the game did he ask anyone why they were playing at the Millennium Stadium that day.

"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing."

Ade Akinbiyi struggles with the concept of live football.

"Germany are a very difficult team to play — they had 11 internationals out there today."

Northern Ireland midfielder Steve Lomas explains why Germany outplayed them

"I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football."

Les Ferdinand always uses that saying, just never heeds it.

"We didn't underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought."

Bobby Robson after England nearly lost to Cameroon in the 1990 World Cup.

"I never make predictions and I never will."

Paul Gascoigne gets it instantly wrong

"If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can expect the same thing again."

Terry Venables states the bleedin' obvious

"This could be a repeat of the final."

Kevin Keegan before England's group stage game against Holland at Euro 96

"England have the best fans in the world and Scotland's fans are second-to-none."

Who else but Keegan?

"They're the second-best team in the world and there's no higher praise than that."

The man famous for his perm continues to struggle.

"And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley — unless somebody knocks us out."

Dave Bassett gets his head around the concept of a knockout system.

"What I said to them at half-time would be unprintable on the radio."

Ex-Spurs boss Gerry Francis

"It took a lot of bottle for Tony (Adams) to own up."

Ian Wright shows his admiration after Tony Adams reveals his drinking problem.

"Luis Figo is totally different to David Beckham, and vice versa."

Keegan makes yet another appearance.

"It's not as good as Adams' challenge, but it's on a par."

Ron Atkinson does his level best to muck this one up.

Waiting For My Real Life To Begin

I love these 2 new postcards from Postsecrets. I always wondered at how life is one big game of waiting for the next thing to happen.

As a kid, my parents told me to wait until I grew up before making my own decisions. Now at 28, they clearly would still love to keep telling me that, if not for how I remind them that doing so makes them look positively ridiculous.

I also learnt that waiting for exams to end is an exercise in futility. There is always one more to prepare for. My failure to grad not withstanding, everyone around me at 30 or even 40 are still going for the Phd.s, their CFAs, and what-nots.

Then I was waiting to finish my NS obligations, only to be faced with a further 14 years of reservist duty. I started waiting for a girlfriend, and after that comes the wait to get married. Then I spend the rest of my life waiting for kids, so that I can wait for them to repeat my own life cycle of waiting.

I wait for the perfect job to appear in my life, where I can find delight in what I'm doing, and to excel in the tasks. Each job I take supposedly takes me one step closer, but it soon became clear that such satisfaction is a privilege that's denied to almost all save for an exceptional few. So I end up waiting for retirement instead.

The sad thing is, my parents are supposedly retired. But they're still working.

I also spend an obscene amount of time waiting for my regrets to turn around, for that moment when my past failures are redeemed, and I keep on waiting, despite knowing how futile the attempt is…

Even in church, we wait for the congregation to get serious about God. We wait for people to rise up and serve. We wait for the lost sheep to return. We wait for the sermons to get better, the worship to help us touch God, the ministries to nurture and revive us. We wait for revival. We wait for personal revival and breakthrough. We even wait for Christ to come again.

Hahaha…

Makes me think of a song by Colin Hay that I heard in Scrubs, called “Waiting For My Real Life To Begin”.

Waiting For My Real Life To Begin
Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
I'll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down down down, on me
And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in
Don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my old footsteps, once again
And you say, just be here now
Forget about the past
Your mask is wearing thin
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
And I'll check my machine, there's sure to be that call
It's gonna happen soon, soon, soon
It's just that times are lean
And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in
Don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

On a clear day I can see
See a very long way

-Colin Hay

So my question for the day to all of you… what are YOU waiting for? Cos as for me, I think I don't know what I'm waiting for anymore. Its just become a way of life. 11 years after doing Samuel Beckett in St. Andrews JC, I've now officially joined the club of those Waiting For Godot.

Honestly Speaking...

My Ego Problem

One of the conversation topics between a man and a woman that inevitably crops up now and then, is talk abt the male ego. Between us males there is no need for such talk, since we all understand the need to properly dignify and treat with sacred regard this aspect of us that is more highly prized than say, our virginity.

Hehz...

But the WOMEN, on the other hand, seem to love to hold it in contempt, and force us to defend that which we will die for. (We mainly die trying to deny that we HAVE one.) As it is, we are forced to dissect it, scrutinize it, and place it under critical analysis, in order to explain to the female species just what is the mystery of the male ego. In short, we are forced to de-sacrelize what we regard to be as sacrosanct as the soccer club we support, in order for the ladies to disregard everything we've said, and carry on living in their own world where egos are granted the equivalent status of pencil shavings.

As I was reflecting on the ego-bashing movement that is always in-fashion with the ladies, I wondered to myself what could be the cause of such blatant hate. After all, our egos are the equivalent of a girl’s emotions, aren’t they? To get at a guy, the girl would attack his ego, knowing that’s where it hurts most, even when compared to a well-directed boot that found its target dead centre right below the belt. And to get back at a girl, a guy knows he has but to hurt her feelings (“God, you’re really fat/ugly/bitchy/short/flat/dull… etc.”).

Personally, I think I like my ego. It’s what keeps me from turning into a bigger slob, since the mental picture of my being on a bus with a much better looking guy sitting next to me keeps me grooming myself feverishly. My ego’s also what keeps my mood up, giving me something to delight in when I go one-up over someone who was supposed to better than me (The marginal utility is doubled when I’m able to do a one-up over a guy, instead of a girl).

So ladies, get off our backs abt our egos. Without our egos, and your emotional capriciousness, this world would be a lot less colorful, and relationships would be so dull that I’d rather read the obituaries.

Now *THIS* Is A Harry Potter Fan...

When Tragedy Strikes

Sometimes when tragedy strikes, it takes a lot of faith to believe that there could have been anything good that comes out of it.

... "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

- Mark 9:24

Mercy Saw Me

Self-righteous or not, I guess the reminder is that we're all made righteous by God.

Learnt this really really beautiful song when I attended Easter Sunday at Covenant Evangelical Free Church.



Mercy Saw Me
by Calvin Hunt

The years had left scars
The scars had left pain
How could He recognize me
I wasn't the same
I knew I should pay
And I knew the price
For justice and law
Demanded my life
But His tender heart heard
My desperate cry
And He saw my past
Through merciful eyes

Beautiful
That's how mercy saw me.
For I was broken and so lost
Mercy looked past all my faults
The justice of God saw what I had done
But mercy saw me through the Son
Not what I was
But what I could be
That's how mercy saw me

Whatever you've done
You can't go too far
That His eyes of mercy
Can't see where you are
He loves you too much
To leave you alone
You're flesh of His flesh
And bone of His bone.

And His heart cries out
For your heart today
See yourself through His eyes
And then you can say

Sin had stolen my dignity
And all my self-esteem,
But I was made brand new again
When mercy looked at me

Beautiful
That's how Jesus saw me...

MANCHESTER UNITED 7 – 1 ROMA

Just when I thought the dream was dead and buried, God once again reminded me of His grace… His kindness and His mercy… and reminded me that He’s a Man Utd fan…

Hehz…

The poetry of Man Utd’s game… tearing apart Roma’s defence at will, and the sort of goals that were scored, each one an absolute gem in itself… for all the hooliganism before the match began, United again reminded us of why this is called the beautiful game.

The perfect blend of experience and youth, that reminds us of past glories and gives us hope of future greatness… the strength of character to believe in themselves and come back spectacularly after so many have written them off… The hunger to win that is the mark of a champion… United had it all.

I woke up cringing at the thought of checking the scores, and I found myself checking the results on three different websites just to confirm that it wasn’t a cruelly distasteful and belated April Fools’ joke. Disbelief gave way to incredulity, which gave way to elation, which gave way to a joy that gave me a lift for the rest of the day…. To after that catch the goals that were scored on Youtube (bless the person who uploaded the clip…), only confirmed the class that this new generation of Man Utd players possess…

The future is bright indeed!!!

The Reds are marching on!!!!!!!!!!

Self-Righteousness

"Am I self-righteous? Why not? Its not like I can count on you to be righteous for me".
- Henry Rollins


I read this and it really cracked me up.

Too often I've been accused of being impossible to argue with, and many have therefore turned into a person who doesn't bother to engage in talking with me, but is only interested in telling me what's wrong with myself. Given some time, these people degenerate into telling OTHER people what's wrong with me (often times, hypocritically maintaining the mask of amiability towards me), lamenting how unrepentant I am.

I used to really detest such people. If you can't be bothered to talk it through with me, then don't hide behind the excuse that you can't win the argument. Its just that you can't be bothered... and I can't be bothered with someone who is only interested in telling me which part of myself offends their sensitivities. The ironic and sad thing is that such people themselves end up looking sort of self-righteous too...

(I've now learnt to ignore them. You can't stop dogs from barking.)

Back to the quote: There's at least a tiny grain of truth to be found in what Henry Rollins said... If nothing you've been saying tells me that you're more interested in protecting me and doing what's really good for me, then why shouldn't I stand up for myself? Who in his right mind faces the firing squard and not shy from it?

In MY (self-righteous) opinion, I think there're at least 2 ways of being so pompous. Either you are defensive when others attack you, or else you're the one who puts himself on a higher moral platform and does the judging.

My only defence? I think I spend most of my self-righteousness defending myself, instead of judging others.

Thought of the day - which side of self-righteousness do you fall on?

(P.S. If you find yourself answering "neither", its time to seek counselling.)

Distance

I used to wonder why is it that when people grow up, they will eventually distance themselves from church, and from friends. I see my parents’ generation, and how they’re all hard-pressed to find a confidante they can go to. And I wonder if its because they’ve not had the kind of childhood I’ve had, or could it have been something else.

“是否成人的世界背后，总有残缺”

I guess after some time, I begin to see why.

I’ve seen friendships sour when one party decides to cut off ties, I’ve seen friendships deteriorate when both parties change their opinions of each other, and I’ve seen partnerships dissolve when one or both parties pick on each other.

The tragedy often lies with how the parties involved have no idea of the damage they’re doing to the relationship, till its too late. After that, what’s left is the sullen silence, followed by the inevitable estrangement.

Often times, I muse to myself that the aftermath of a sullen estrangement is worse off than the indifference of two strangers, esp in a church. So perhaps there is a little wisdom to be found in not being too open with others.

It seems that very few people can take the open-ness of others. Cos when I’m open with you, I will very inevitably impose on you. And sooner rather than later, I will tread on one or several of your sensitivities. That ends up creating the rather awkward situation where you are torn between letting me know how you feel (and look like you’re making a mountain out of a molehill), or slowly storing up inside yourself, a list of pent up frustrations abt my relating to you. Of course, it means that at the same time I’m storing up pent-up frustrations abt you.

And all this while, we’re deluding ourselves abt the glorious friendship that we enjoy, and how lucky we both are to have each other.

And we don’t know that the stage has already been set for the unavoidable fallout.

As the friendship grows, so does the assumptions we have of each other, that we have a decent understanding of the other party. We are comfortable sharing with each other things abt ourselves that we normally would not reveal to others. And sometimes in the course of doing so, again things come out that we can’t really accept abt each other, which we try to write off.

Somewhere along the line, these pent-up emotions find a release in some incident where we blow up at each other, which we afterwards mistakenly treat as “conflicts which are an inevitable part of deepening friendships”. By not correctly identifying what is really going, we only end up papering over the cracks that are showing up in the friendship.

Repeat this process several times, and we have two people with a lot of pent up frustration that releases itself in outburst… and two people who start questioning why the friendship can’t seem to get out of such a rut. Such unresolved questions eventually causes us to grow tired of the relationship, and to stop trying so hard at it. “Don’t try so hard, and avoid the conflicts. It doesn’t seem to get resolved, and I’m tired of it”, we tell ourselves.

So we start giving the other person less and less priority, thinking that the less confrontations would actually help the friendship, as well as preserve the peace you crave. If done tactfully, then with a great deal of luck the friendship gets preserved. All too often, the inevitable outcome is that one party realize she’s been left behind, and reacts to the hurt instead of asking why.

Sullenness ensues.

Followed by estrangement.

As a sixteen year old, I keenly felt the hurt of a friendship that left me hanging. I can only imagine how much more a friendship over the years now would deliver a fatal blow towards my faith in openness and friends. So maybe my sister’s mantra of “let people get close to you, but don’t open up yourself too much to others” is not really a bad thing after all.

Up close, no one can look good. And when so many of us think we can handle openness when we actually can’t, many of us take on more than we can handle. The damage that results often many times more than the good it once generated.

So all you out there who once encouraged openness in friendships, think carefully about what it is you’re asking.

And when even friendships alone are like this, I shudder to imagine the devastation we have amongst us when we think abt the marriages that must be in shambles.

Closure

“I don’t get it. Why would such a person like him have any friends?” So I overheard on the MRT today. The person in question was bitching abt her over-bearing boss, who apparently takes any and everyone to town when he’s in a bad mood, regardless of whether that person is an employee, or just the helpless courier service uncle in his sixties.

I was letting that phrase turn in my head a few times, since it obviously set off a few echoes in my head abt something I said not too long ago.

I guess we all have our own nemesis, someone (or someones) whom we’d dearly love to see amongst the charred remains of an accident we read abt in the papers. That person whom you wish would choke and die on his or her own saliva the very next time you see them talking.

And naturally, we’d all wonder how such a person could retain any friends at all. I remember wondering abt a friend I had, who was with a real bastard guy, and I’d sit down and wonder at how blind love must be, if she could not see that she was dating a louse. (She married him last year, as a matter of fact.) Then also, I had another friend who would make up excuses to defend her boyfriend whenever he beat her up. Love isn’t just blind – its also brainless, so I realized.

I was asked some time this year abt how I’m doing when it came to bearing grudges. I guess there’s no prizes for guessing what springs to mind. People used to groan and tell me its time to move on, and that I shd just stop being so petty. And I used to find it so hard to resolve it within myself, why it still rankles when I think of it. I expected much better of myself.

And so it was that I had a mini-epiphany, and realized what I should do. I was surprised it took me so long to come to it - It rankles me cos I never understood how such a person could still have friends. It was an unfair expectation I had of others that kept me from letting go.

On my part, I only saw the way he treated me, and so I expected everyone to react to him the way I did. After all, if that’s how he truly was, why can’t people see the hypocrisy of his ways? And so each time people seemed to be on good terms with him, it galled me that they still chose to not see the folly of their ways.

On their part, they never did experience his treatment of me for themselves, and had no way of understanding the impact it had on me. So when people starting to talk to me abt letting go, it really pissed me off. I mean, you go and try telling a rape victim that her rapist is actually a pretty decent guy, and 3 years is a long time to bear a grudge…

When I could finally identify for myself what was bothering me, I guess I finally could lay to rest the whole nonsense and put it behind me. All I need to do is to stop having these unfair expectations of others to react to him the way I do. And to stop talking to people abt him, so that I avoid the situation where people piss me off for trying to play counselor to a problem they dun understand.

Haha… Ah well. So… as Lent approaches its end, and as I sit back and reflect on one of the most significant chapters of my life, I guess its time to finally close it.

Next major project is to get myself a discipler, and to find time to have regular bible study. I’ve been pretty slack for a long time now, esp when it comes to reading the bible… need to start getting myself in order again.

My Silence

Been so long since I last came back to this page.

Haha… guess the moon has been really blue of late, that I should be coming back to re-visit my blog.

I guess blogging’s a habit. Once you’re at it, you keen doing it. Stop for a while, and its hard to break free from the inertia to start again.

So often I would think of something and tell myself that I should blog abt it… then I forget it 2 seconds later.

But here I am, back again on the company PC, finding myself with a spot of free time.

Silence is good.

Silence helps people see things from different perspectives.

After being quiet for some time, I’ve had to chance to hear what are the sounds that have filled the silence, and what are the things that are being said.

Ah well. Hopefully, I’ll start the blogging habit again, and actually have something meaningful to say.

Loving Is...

This post was inspired by my row with a friend. So to all my faithful readers/lifeless sods who continue to visit this semi-hibernated page, I wonder what your take on this is....

What does love do?
Some people focus on the fallibility of man. They choose to fixate on the fact that man can and surely will fail you, so they don't ever expect much of you. They're content that you had the best of intentions. For these people, their claim is that they've learnt to compensate for the fallibility of men with lowered expectations... happy to accept the bare minimum because expecting more would be unrealistic, in light of how none of us are God.

For me, I believe that the more I count someone as a friend, and the more I claim to love someone, the more my expectations are of the person. Its not an expectation borne out of selfishness. Don't get me wrong. If you tell me you can't give anything, it won't negate the friendship nor the affections I have of you. But because I love you, I won't fixate on how fallible you are, but on how much more you are capable of. If you ultimately fail me, I will accept it, and still love you. But I won't be able to love you while constantly bearing in mind the fact that you will fail me.

If you're my wife, I expect you to remain faithful to me. If you betray me, I will find it somewhere in my heart to forgive you – if I truly loved you. But I cannot imagine myself living day to day with the understanding that you will betray me one day because you are fallen. I cannot imagine loving you without expecting the highest standards of fidelity, and the expectation that you keep to it.

Likewise if you are a friend, I cannot imagining myself confiding in you my deepest and darkest insecurities without having nothing except the most absolute expectation that it is held in the strictest of confidence. I cannot imagine myself ever sharing anything with anyone if at the back of my mind I am already expecting that person to fail me. Semantics aside, I see no practical difference between such a behavior, and a complete lack of genuine trust in that person. If I trust you, I will believe in you. I.e., I will believe that you won't let me down. So much so that even if people tell me otherwise, I won't take their word for it, but seek to verify it for myself.

I'd hate to think that if one day rumor goes round that I've let someone down, that person shrugs it down as human nature, and doesn't have the faith in me to expect better.


Loving someone
I was getting really sick and tired of the expression “That's just how I am.” Why do people think that they can get away with such an excuse? Imagine standing before God on Judgment Day, and telling Him that!

I believe that when we claim to love someone, we put that other person first. There's no room for “that just how I am”, or “that's just how I relate to others”. Imagine if Jesus had taken such a stand, and decided to come down “just the way He is”!!!

If you insist on your point of view because it is an issue of right or wrong, I absolutely respect that. But if you can't be bothered to accommodate the other person's preference, and instead favor your own system of reaching out, then I guess you can stop pretending to love that person. If you refuse to accommodate someone's expectation (within reason, of course) because it doesn't sit down well with you, then you obviously are just in love with yourself.

Its probably something we're all guilty of, to differing degrees. I guess one of the biggest causes of church conflicts and splits is the result of choosing to see things from no other perspective except one's own. Its so easy to see that as a by-stander. How two deacons who fall out with each other over “a matter of principles” is often no different from two kids who wants to play with different games at the fair – nothing's wrong with either, yet they just want to insist on doing it their way. Yet when we ourselves are embroiled in the midst of such a conflict, we doggedly insist on our own way of doing things, and insist on being validated instead of being loving.


So there you go.

Your take?

Quotable Quotes

"The worst thing about playing Chelsea is having to listen to Mourinho afterwards."
- Edmilson, Barcelona

I Hate Taiwan

'Nuff said.

Passion

Sorry I've been away for so long. A combination of factors such as a PC that has died at home, and the peak period at work has led to me being unable to do anything much on my blog. But a combination of one too many weddings lately and having read a friend's piece on the pursuit of one's dreams, I guess I wanted to put this down to remind myself in days to come when financial responsibilities might cloud my better judgment on how I should be viewing my life.

I guess it's a kiasu syndrome that we've perfected in Singapore, where we've rationalized out why building an economic surplus makes more sense than incurring an economic deficit, that such a philosophy is ingrained in us. People used to dismiss my notions of getting married without the fabled "financial stability" that seems to be everyone else's paramount consideration. Ask any dating couple when they intend to get married, and 9.5 out of ten times, they'll respond "not enough money". (Funny how everyone continues to insist that money is not the most important consideration in a relationship.)

I guess I've stopped voicing out my romantic ideals that as long as both parties can feed themselves, there's no reason why they cannot get married and live a lifestyle that supports them both. What is it abt marriage that is supposed to bankrupt you in a way that dating doesn't? Surely not having financial and career stability isn't the real problem?

Looking at a friend who is considering giving up her very promising career to go into full-time ministry, and how despite being miles away I can almost see her eyes light up when she mentions it, I suddenly realize what could be the reason why people decry her decision.

People who've never known bigger dreams often choose to anchor themselves in the security of their conventional wisdom. People who have never known the passion of a dream will never understand why someone can throw away what they themselves long for... be it a promising career or other material securities. They might be stirred when a dream they used to uphold is offered to them... but they are reluctant to step out of the security of their conventional prudence.

I look at the full-time workers that I know, and I see now how they can do what I cannot – give up material security in exchange for a higher calling. One's pragmatic wisdom needs to be abandoned in the face of an altruistic call to something more. And the key to that is passion.

If you have a passion for God, you'll be able to see beyond the material losses and embrace your ascetic life with delight. There'll be a joy that comes with every day that you live, even if its right in the face of a life of minimal comforts. It is what enabled the apostle Paul to praise God with a genuine joy in the prison cell, so much that it shook the very walls of the place. Without that passion, everyday you live will be a day of repression, where you are more aware of what you gave up than what you now have. And in time such a life would build resentment instead of fulfillment, and it is the reason why failures would get us down and cause us to doubt instead of continuing to rejoice and trust.

And if you shrink that argument down to a miniature scale, you'll get a clue into why couples are reluctant to marry and claim its because they don't have money... if they're living a very comfortable life yet continue to plead "not enough money yet" as the excuse for not getting married, perhaps its because they lack a genuine passion for each other.

Or even more sadly, they've never known the passion that a genuine love brings, that can cause one to abandon prudence and honestly mean it when they say they're willing to lay down their lives for each other.

For me, I've been saying this since ages ago – if I find the love of my life, I can't wait for my life with her to begin. I don't see the point of waiting until I have 5 zeroes in my bank account, plus a house and a car to go along.

And so to you, my friend who is miles way, I dedicate this song to you. Kudos for daring to dream, for having the passion to even think abt going down that line.

As for me, I pray that my passion for a life partner is not only matched, but even superseded by my passion for God.

What Went Wrong?

I had lunch with an old friend who was leaving Reuters after 3 years here, and we started talking abt being unequally yoked.

He started to talk about how it wasn’t a good idea to be unequally yoked, and I pretty much knew all the reasons why. And its not like I disagreed with him… but I guess it made me think abt my take on the issue, and why its different from his.

Most people come from the angle of what’s right and what’s wrong about dating someone who isn’t Christian. And there’s nothing wrong in doing that. I agree that we should always measure ourselves against a benchmark of where to draw the lines, so to not rationalize away everything we do and end up being blameless in our own eyes. Sure – if you get attached to a non-christian, you need to know that when people say you are wrong, they have a point.

You’re not allowed to feel as though you’ve done nothing wrong.

And I think that’s where my friend was coming from.

On the other hand, I was a lot more concerned abt the scenario that led up to the Christian finding companionship outside of the church. Discounting the peripheral Christians who need to be worried abt a lot more than holding the hands of a non-Christian, I wonder abt the lay leaders in the church… people who display a greater maturity in church… and what could have driven them to find understanding outside of church.

And I’d be more concerned abt that instead.

If I hear that a prominent youth leader in my church had hooked up with a NC, I wouldn’t go on a run of recriminations, and embark on the process of ‘counselling’ that person, hoping that he’d repent of his ways. At least, it won’t be first thing I do.

Because I understand.

I understand how hard it is to find someone within the church. As a leader in the church, your r/s would be under the microscope amongst those you’re around… Wanting to retain your rights to privacy gets you branded as not being accountable. Make a mistake and you have the full force and effect of the church community’s judgment taking place behind your back.

There’s so much pressure on the couple to “do what’s right”, that there’s no room for them, to learn from their mistakes. The first mistake is fatal. And like all newbies who are fresh in this game of love, the mistakes they make are usually the most prominent and common ones (read: physical intimacy, exclusivity, imbalance of priorities…). And the price to pay for making the most common mistakes of all is the overwhelming response that is communicated as “concern”, but is experienced as judgment and maybe even condemnation.

Its funny how the church community never turns on itself, to ask where they themselves went wrong. As a body that is supposed to be keeping each other in check, and keeping each other accountable, how have we “loved each other as we love ourselves”? When a member of the body fails, when was the last time we looked at how we may have failed him or her? Instead of only seeing where he or she went wrong, mebbe its time to look in the mirror and ask God how we have been deficient in treating each other as part of ourselves.

I used to wonder why people who are non-Christians keep saying that we Christians like to judge people. I used to wonder abt the ‘misunderstanding’. Now I see that if we judge our own family so harshly, how much more we must be intolerant towards those outside the family.

I think of the verse that says “he who is forgiven little forgives little…”, and I find myself reminded that the next time I have an automatic reaction of judging how someone was right or wrong, I really need to remember the grace and mercy accorded to me, and make every effort to make the offending party feel more accepted and forgiven than condemned.

A Post Just ForYou

He’s certainly brought you down a long long journey to find that elusive love… And I was really so glad for you last night, when I heard abt what happened. Grins.

Things are gonna be pretty exciting from now on… Hahahaha… Don’t worry abt those busybodies who don’t understand what’s going on ya? I don’t need to tell you who will be those rooting for you no matter what happens. As for me… I’ve always loved blondies.

Wuahahahaha…

Am so excited for you!!!

Anyway, just thought that this is a monumentous enough occasion to warrant a post set aside just to celebrate and remember this day. =)

Regrets - I've Had A Few...

Not too long ago, someone repeated to me what I’ve heard and felt a hundred times before already – “You never know what you had until you lose it”.

I heard the song 雨天 by Sun Yanzi, and totally fell in love with it. Anyone who has experienced the chagrin of regret after recognizing what has really been lost, will be able to appreciate the sentiments of this song.

With the haze going around, and the skies looker bleaker as a result, I’ve naturally been drawn back towards the dark side, thinking back to the days past, to what I have wasted and what I have lost.

Ever regretted bitterly your decisions, only to be faced with the hard truth that you have no recourse except to shoulder the weight of your choice? Ever looked back and lamented the wasted opportunities, the things that you could have done had you but tried? Ever bemoaned the problems that would not have existed today had you paid attention to it back then?

If you do, then welcome to the club. But as a dearly loved friend of mine recently found out, grey skies DO part… some dreams have to die so that loftier ones can have the chance to grow.

So if you’re wallowing in the sentiments of this song, and again trapped inside your head with the demons that you made, take heart… The proverbial light at the end of the tunnel is real…

In the meantime, don’t make the same mistakes anymore. Take a good look around you, and stop floundering in the quagmire of your folly… start re-looking at your life, and recognize what is important to you… then learn to cherish it. Whether it be loved ones, or be it where you are right now in your life… take a moment to stop thinking abt the things you want to change… and give thanks for the things right now that you hope will never change.

Yes, this doesn’t sound like the regular me. And no, I’m not dying of cancer.

Grins.

I’m just trying a different form of therapy today at work. Grins. Need to think positive thoughts to stay awake…

Emptiness

The streets now feel hollow and empty without the policemen that have been infesting town, taking up valuable oxygen.

Beware, one and all. The streets in town are no longer safe.

Desdichado

Had lunch with Weilun today, and we talked abt finding acceptance in church.

I think its sad that very often church is the one place where christians find it the hardest to find acceptance. Being held up to a higher standard is in its own right something that isn't wrong - but this "yoke of Christ" has unfortunately gone from easy to being incredibly impossible. I think it was Gordon MacDonald who once said "The church is the only army who shoots its wounded."

He would know.

Having been at the wrong end of an adultrous affair, I shudder to imagine the hurt he felt in return, for the hurt that he caused.

I guess it would be overly harsh to totally put the blame on the church. After all, if your'e guilty of adultery, you'd better be prepared to face the music. Its just that very often the church isn't able to differentiate between discipline and condemnation. More often than not, the discipline that the church administers alienates rather than restores. The one put on the rack is the one who feels like he's less welcome than someone who isn't a brother in Christ. Somewhere along the way, we have lost the ability to love the person who sinned... our acceptance of that person becomes conditional, our fellowship suddenly becomes very awkward, and we seem to suddenly feel justified to impose our standards on that person - adding to the weight he already carries.

I guess its kind of sad when I think abt how many pple leave church each yr after being 'disciplined'.... and how the guilty remain so self-righteously oblivious to it. I know I've been guilty of it before, so I'm in no position to stand on a pedestal and cast the first stone. But I daresay at least I've leant a little more abt how much mercy we all seem to lack, in light of the mercy we all receive from God.

I guess we all need to revisit the notion that he who is forgiven little forgives little... if God can make me feel so forgiven, why is it that when I think I'm being forgiving towards someone, he still continues to feel the weight of my judgment upon him? Why does my forgiveness continue to ring of something that's conditional? Why is it that everytime I think abt it, I always think of what's wrong with him instead of the good that he has in him? Why is it that he feels more bound by the Law in how I treat him, as opposed to having found forgiveness and freedom in Christ?

Mm... ah well.

I wonder how many who left church have done so because of my inability to love...

Losing The Plot

Today I heard 飞越迷雾 being played on the radio. No, not the one written by Weilun, but the one by Emil Chau.

A quick calculation tells me that its about ten years now, since my life was changed so much by that camp we held in ACS. From the spiritual encounters I had there, to the kind of friendships and fellowship that were made there… Back then I got to see how God works when a community is able to be of one heart and in once voice, working together to serve one God… I started to think back to all the people who had worked together in that camp, people that I got to know throughout the six months’ of prep that led up to the event itself… Its hard to imagine just how much has changed since then…

10 yrs on, so many of us have gone our own separate ways. Some went their own ways to pursue their studies and chase after their dreams. Others sought a church that better suited them. Some left, burnt out by church and friends alike. Others just split fellowship due to differences in ideals, unable to accept the differences in each other. I remember thinking to myself that such a community held together by a common love and pursuit of God MUST be one that could last a lifetime. Of course, I’d imagine that there would be some who moved on as time went by, that some of the bonds would lose the intensity it had… but never would I have imagined that in a span of less than 10 yrs, the sort of fellowship and bond that we had enjoyed back then should have come to such a state.

I can’t help but note that the fellowship was not merely diluted over time as other ministries pulled each other away… nor was it simply a case of people naturally moving on in life. So many of the fellowships were forcefully broken, and the friendships either irrevocably broken or else have been reduced and diminished to a kind of wariness and distance between each other that totally cheapened the kind of bond they used to have.

It made me wonder…. Even if every one of us had been guilty of adultery, murder or blasphemy, would it have warranted the kind of state our fellowship with each other has degenerated into? Because whatever the reason might have been for the estrangement or alienation, the big picture of how little acceptance we ultimately have for each other is more than just a little frightening. I think of the kind of fervor we had back then in serving God together… how we’d be watching each other’s backs and carrying each others’ loads…. And I look at how we now subtly hint at each other not doing enough while stabbing them in the back… and I see for myself that as much as fellowship can be such a beautiful thing, a broken fellowship can be so much uglier.

Its such an ugly thing that you’d have thought all of us supposedly mature Christians would have been aware of how blatantly wrong it is… but no… we all somehow manage to justify our broken community using scripture… giving reason for why we choose to alienate ourselves from each other. We argue over a life that fails to meet the standards we set down for each other (in the name of Christ, of course), as if anyone could ever meet them to begin with. We fight over church and ministry strategies and break bonds of partnership we had with each other, as if those strategies bear consequences that are greater than stumbling the brother or sister we so callously discarded.

It always starts out so small… a discontentment with someone that we chose to paper over… the cracks underneath continue to grow, and in time a chasm has sprung up in the friendship. At that point it time, it take so little… anything, in fact… to tear away the paper and expose the gulf that now divides the two brothers and sisters. We then start to blame each other for the distance that has been allowed to grow and fester.

你迷了路觉得人心不古
山高水低看不见来时路
你迷了路爱恨悠悠忽忽
峰回路转逾走不出白云深处

In a different context, I suddenly see what an apt song we chose to be our theme song. Our church seems to have been engulfed in the mist… and we all seem to have lost our way. What’s the point of a booming and successful ministry if I look back and all I can see is a trail of destruction and ruin? At what price would I have then built my success on? Aren’t we all one family?

飞越迷雾把生命看清楚
明明白白掌握你的路
经过跋涉之后你总能够
拨云见日重回到最初

This song was played on the radio as I was on the company bus that ferries us from the MRT to the building… and as these thoughts and memories came to my mind, I was surprised to find myself tearing. I mourned the fact that I am unable to celebrate the euphoria and the experience of that camp, in light of how it proved to be such a transient accomplishment. The scars of broken relationships and shattered fellowship is a legacy that continues to this day, and I guess no one can say he or she hasn’t been guilty of it as well. And I guess until we can fly out of this red mist, all the talk of building a ministry and building a community will always be met by me with a tinge of regret and cynicism… after all, if something that great can be all but swept away to naught in the space of less than a decade, what chance do we now have? Until we somehow rebuild the ruins, what’s the point of trying to build new things from amongst the debris?

I guess part of me really wishes for what the song says… that in light of so much that has gone wrong, we may one day be able to “经过跋涉之后你总能够拨云见日重回到最初”.

Goodbye Agassi...

Agassi lost.

The fans did all they could to will Agassi to one more win, rising with arms aloft to celebrate when he'd break serve or fight off a break point. They applauded after Benjamin Becker's faults, a tennis faux pas. They broke into clap-clap-clap choruses of "Let's go, Andre!" at changeovers.

"It felt amazing. Nothing I've ever experienced before. I was overwhelmed with how they embraced me at the end," Agassi said. "They saw me through my career. They've seen me through this, as well."

But Agassi couldn't conjure up any more magic in his 21st consecutive Open, an event he won in 1994 and 1999. His back -- and Becker -- wouldn't let him. Over and over, Agassi would pull up short, watching a ball fly by instead of chasing it. He winced after serves, clutched his lower back after stretching to reach for shots.

"I wanted to run on the court and pull him off," said Agassi's trainer, Gil Reyes, "because it shouldn't hurt -- it shouldn't hurt that bad."

"The scoreboard said I lost today, but what the scoreboard doesn't say is what it is I've found," Agassi told the crowd, tears streaming down his cheeks, his voice cracking with emotion. "Over the last 21 years, I've found loyalty. You have pulled for me on the court and also in life. I have found inspiration. You have willed me to succeed sometimes even in my lowest moments."

He could have been referring to his losses in his first three major finals, two at the French Open and one at the U.S. Open, setbacks that made him wonder if he'd ever reach the very top. Or, more likely, when, having won Wimbledon and reached No. 1, he sank to 141st in the rankings and resorted to playing in tennis' minor leagues in 1997. Or, most recently, when his back hurt so badly after the first two rounds of this U.S. Open, the tournament he announced this summer would be his last.

That's why, for Agassi himself and the 20,000 or so fans who honored him with a raucous, four-minute standing ovation in Arthur Ashe Stadium after the match, it truly did not matter all that much what Sunday's outcome was. This day and this tournament were all about saying goodbye to an eight-time Grand Slam champion who grew up in front of the world, from cocky kid with the shoulder-length hair and denim shorts to the thoughtful guy with the shaved pate and proper tennis whites.

He leaves the game as an elder statesman, not merely because he was the oldest man in the field, and not merely because of his wins on the court, but also because of his demeanor and extensive charity work off it. Through all the in-the-public-eye parts of his personal life (Barbra Streisand; Brooke Shields; Graf) and ups and downs of his professional life, he's been one of tennis' most dynamic and popular players.

He leaves with 60 singles titles, including a career Grand Slam, one of only five men to have won each of the sport's premier events -- something his great rival, Pete Sampras, never did, Roger Federer hasn't managed, and players such as John McEnroe and Jimmy Connors didn't accomplish, either.

He gets praise, too, from his peers as an off-the-court role model. Federer, for one, talks about hurrying to start his own charitable foundation after learning about Agassi's efforts to raise tens of millions of dollars for at-risk youths in his hometown of Las Vegas.
In return, tennis has given Agassi much, too: money, fame, influence.

With fans surrounding his car -- several yelling, "Thank you, Andre!" -- he climbed into the back, joining his brother, trainer and coach. As they pulled away, Agassi turned to wave goodbye, to his tournament, to his fans, to his career.

Please Do Not Format Me

I’ve been thinking abt the way everyone sees human relationships… and how very often we all try to find a comfort zone to operate under. I was speaking to a friend recently, and I told him that he needs to learn to move out of his paradigm where he has a template in his mind of the way things ought to be in the way pple relate to each other… and he should stop being uncomfortable when he sees someone whose behaviour violates the template that he cherishes.

For example… many of us are so quick to take issues with a Christian whom they perceive to be unequally yoked. Reactions vary from a word of caution to outright chastisement. Even worse are those who says “Don’t worry, I’m still your friend and I’ll be here for you”, yet spend more time than not reminding his friend that he is wrong and living in sin.

Some will know I’m referring to, when I said that I know someone whom many perceived to be in an unequally yoked relationship. Many were the church leaders who would say to him that “What you’re doing is wrong. You’ve got to stop. But I want you to know that no matter what you do, I’ll still be here for you.” After saying that to ease their own conscience, they proceed to carry on making him feel like the most lonely guy in the world, since they would always qualify their support for him with the repeated reminder that they think he was wrong. They would consider removing him from positions of leadership, behave condescendingly towards him, yet all the while maintaining the form of showing support, sans the substance of it.

And I really didn’t get it. As much as you can’t qualify an apology without making it lose its sincerity, neither can you claim to be there for a person when you’re more interested in getting the point across that he’s doing something wrong.

I could name so many cases of people who have been badly burnt by, ironically, the church. Its funny that of all places, the church is the least willing to accept a fellow sinner… instead, each and every one of us is so eager to force each other into the template of “how things ought to be”… and are unable to see that we are actually more interested in eradicating that which makes us uncomfortable, since it jeopardizes our paradigm of what’s right and wrong.

So instead of being more interested in the person, we end up being more fixated by the law…

I wonder at those who in the aftermath of what happens, can sit down to analyze why there are some who leave church after receiving what is perceived to be Godly advice. They then self-righteously conclude that the person must have been really rebellious against God, and that they’ve done all they could to play the role of good and Godly counsel. (Think Job.)

In the meantime they forgot that if their act causes someone to stumble, then they have in effect tied a stone around their own necks, and thrown themselves into the sea.

People – this is a church. It is made up of people, not laws. Even Jesus Himself did not cast a single stone at the adulterous woman, so who are we to go around casting the first stones at each other?

In short – the principle to remember, everyone: Always always always always always…. Be quick to build up, and be slow to tear down. And I don’t mean by mere words, because talk is very very cheap. As difficult (as we who have engaged in discipleship before will all know) as it is to build up a life, the harder it is to learn to really be there for someone, where you actions mirror your words. So if you’re going to claim to be around for someone, then you need to review your actions to see if you’ve really done that, or merely self-righteously satisfied yourself that you’ve done what’s right.

And worse still…. If you wanna tear down someone and tell him what he’s doing is wrong, make sure the way you tell him that is not wrong yourself… lest you yourself be doubly judged.

And yes, this applies above all to myself. The next time I tell any of you that I have ‘concerns’ abt your behaviour, pls remind me of this post.

Pls do.

An Old Era, A New Resolution

An era in my life has come to an end…

It is with great sense of loss and anguish that I stand before you today, and declare that it is official – Music Diary on 933 is coming to an end. No more soppy stories of pple’s lives, paired with cheesy selections of songs that were meant to accompany/compliment/contrast the moods of the letters that are read out.

It represents the single greatest loss to my office daily highlights, as I shall now have to resort other means to carve out something to look forward to, day after day in the office.

Hehz…

But seriously, Music Diary represented a chapter of my life for the whole of 2 yrs, where it became a means for me to live a vicarious existence. And even tho I admit that the timing of its demise is pretty timely, it is still with great sadness and nostalgia, that I bid it goodbye.

On other fronts, I think some pple have been expressing concern at my doom and gloom posts…

Sigh.

Thanks pple.

I’m really fine. This is a whine-and-bitch-and-moan blog. You won’t find a lot of thanks-giving taking place inside here. So don’t just read this and conclude that I’m having a really rough time… I probably am, which explains the amt of bitching I do here… but there’s more to my life ya? I do have highlights… such as the fact that Man Utd is now top of the table after a perfect start to the new season.

God really IS a Man Utd fan after all!!!!

Grins.

My new resolution for the rest of this year is very simple. Whatever I expect of others, I shd expect of myself.

So… I shall try my darnest best to stop pointing out problems I see… unless I’m willing to pay a price and attempt to resolve it.

Most of recent griping posts abt church have been because I realize church is really quite bitchy place… Everyone has a comment abt someone else, and how he/she shd be living, and what changes need to be made to their lives to be right before God… when more often than not their concern is that they be right before themselves.

If you want to point out what’s wrong in someone’s life, people… you only get to do so if you’re willing to pay a personal price to help change things. Otherwise, just shut your trap and stop being so concerned. Your concern doesn’t help to change anything, much less help anyone.

And pls pls pls pls pls pls pls dun get me wrong. I dun refer specifically to anyone or any incident in church. I’ve been hearing quite a lot abt finger-pointing in churches lately, abt pple who are really good at expressing their concern towards other pple… they do so from their own comfort zone, unwilling to lift a finger to take responsibility. “Praying for you” is abt all they are willing to do. I guess if a;ll you can do is pray for the person, then God is really doing all the work. Then HE gets to raise HIS concerns… and you get to shut up.

Grins.

SO… that’ll be my new project till X’mas. To learn to give thanks for the things I see around me, and to learn to “carry each other’s burdens” instead of being too eager to decide for others how they need to be corrected in Christ.

A Silence Breaks...

Wow...

I think I'm finally learning to keep my word...

My blog is finally becoming a place where I drop in once in a blue moon...

What's amazing is that I still can average 12-15 hits a day despite its prolonged period of hibernation...

Hahaha.... Thank you one and all, my faithful readers...

Work has been incredibly busy, since its the financial peak period... Coupled with the many things I've since taken up (Gab & Zhiming, CF, Wedding preps...) that piles on top of my current commitments (church, work, studies, Levite Ministry, cell grp...), I think I'm just about ready for Christ to come back soon. Real soon. Cos its either that, or I go to Him.

Soon.

Real soon.

Grins.

Of course, to the many whom I promised to meet up yet always end up apologizing to for my lack of time, thank you one and all for your understanding... (Gosh, something's the matter with me. I sound like I'm making a speech...) I think I'm a p[erson who is always just a little slow to adapt and adjust. So I'm gonna need some time to sort out my time, before some semblance of order returns back into my life, and I can better arrange my time.

In the meantime, I still try my best to change the songs on my blog for you all to enjoy... Short bits or bytes of my life that takes 30-seconds to post will still make their due appearnce... but there'll pretty much be a lot less of that long drivel I used to always post. I suspect many of you will be secretly pleased.

Gotta go.

Tonight I'm rushing off after work to take Hansheng for CF studies, then visit Simon who's recovering from dengue.

All this while, I carry an incredibly stiff lower back that's causing me to grimace in pain everytime I stand up or sit down. Really tempted to go see a doc and get MC... but too much work to be done in the office already. Don't wanna kill my colleagues.

Hehz...

Take care, guys.

I'll be back!

Promise!!!

Feeling Neglected?

"The next time you feel like no one bothers about you, just delay your credit card bills payment by a couple of months."
- Prof Ikiddyounotosan, Class 95 Morning Express