Office Musings

I once heard this story somewhere, possibly as an illustration in a Ravi Zacharias sermon, where there was a man who stood in a marketplace to tell the people the truth. Day and night, rain and shine, he would be there, shouting at the top of his voice, the truth he believes in.

At first, he was a novelty and a curios. Then he was a bore. He finally became an irritant, and a liability to the marketplace. They hurled their insults at him, their rotten vegetables and meat, and ridiculed the things he was saying. They threw him out of the marketplace, and chastised all those who would pause to listen to what he had to hear.

“Have nothing to do with his nonsense, unless you are as mad as he is”, they would say.

Yet the man persisted in his task.

Finally, a little boy walked over to ask him why he does what he’s been doing. Wouldn’t it have been easier to just walk amongst the crowd, and whisper to a few at a time, or just keep it to himself? Why does he want to incur the wrath of everyone by shouting at the top of his voice, the things that he proclaims?

The man replies, “I used to shout at the marketplace place because I hope for as many people as possible to hear what I have to say. Now, I keep on shouting at the top of my voice to keep myself from forgetting what I wanted others to hear.”

*****************************************************

I learn a little more about myself everyday. This story really struck a chord in me. I realized that sometimes, I’m pretty much doing the same thing. I say the same thing over and over again, and I bore everyone out with basically the same words on my blog. A little bit abt my church life, and a lot more abt my lack of a love life. Of my ideals in a r/s that I’m struggling to keep from compromising, and the little things in the ministry that I always am amazed at, and give thanks for.

For the ways in which Henry and Bernice always provide such a model of servanthood that never fails to humble me everytime I like to entertain the thought that I’m doing more than a lotta pple I see…

For how they’ve also been such ceaseless servants in the ministry that I’ve never hard them whine abt needing to take a break from serving… and how tiring as the ministry may be, somehow we continue to serve with thankful and joyful hearts. And its such a rare trait to find in churches nowadays… pple who dun whine abt how tired they are, but are able to exhibit joy in their selfless service.

I think the day I stop repeating these things to myself, is the day I’ve totally forgotten that which I shd have kept close to my heart. The things that the world is constantly seeking to drown out, but that which I need to always remind myself in order to keep my heart tender enough for His word and His Truth to saturate into my soul.

So I Now Have A Brother In Law...

Yes, its been a really really mad week of activities... and now that my sis has finally been married off, and is now happily on her way to Germany for her honeymoon, I finally have time to take stock of all that has passed.

The week started with my frantic last-minute attempts to write a song for her. The first draft was naturally an unmitigated disaster, absolutely exacerbated by my desire to write it in chinese, since it will be sung in a chinese wedding service. I'm glad to say that I have trashed every copy of the first draft I could get my hands on, and hopefully no copies of it exists anymore on the face of this earth. Yet I stubbornly chose to meet Henry on tue night with that draft, and try to come up with a melody. Naturally, it was an utter and abject failure. We ended up singing lots of other love songs that popped to mind, and had a lotta fun jamming away. But nothing much came out that night. So we were left with thus night as our only alternative practice slot. So on wed night I decided that it was time for me to rise to the occasion and come up with something decent, as a small measure of reciprocation for all the years my sis had been so gracious and loving towards me.

Stopping short of going down on my knees, (tho that would have been my next resort), I was asking God to give me something that I could take to my sister. And how the big guy answered my prayers! 2 hrs that night as I hammered away at the keyboard and finally came up with the lyrics, followed by a whole day of arduous torture at work as I struggled to stay awake, followed by 2 hrs of intense composing, and the song was finally complete. I was so happy then. So the most natural thing to have happened in that moment of euphoria, which was what I did - was to forget to thank God. But nevertheless, somehow if any credit could be taken from me for this song, it would have been that brief prayer I made that night before God, because it certainly couldn't have come from me.

The drama continues tho. Not being all too sure of the song, I decided to go down to Bernice's house to prac it again with Henry on fri, where the worship team were gathering for their practice. That's when we came up with the brilliant idea that we shd turn it into a duet. Actually Henry had already mentioned on thus night after we completed it, that it sounds like a duet song. I concurred - but dismissed the idea since I figured it was too late to find someone on such short notice. Up stepped Sylvia to take up the responsibility. She bravely shouldered the task, praticed it really diligently, and did a lot better than she gave herself credit for. So when saturday came, and we did the song on stage, it is with really minimal humility when I say that of all the many positive feedbacks that I came across of the song, there was very little I dared to even consider attributing to myself. But I guess that's how God always intended His gifts to be.

Interesting, to consider the song as sort of God's wedding gift to the couple...

Hehz...

Friday night marked the beginning of a mad rush to prep the house for the next day's activities. Early in the morning, the sisters all trooped in and took over the house, plotting their devious little 'sabo's for the brothers, and for Joseph. Thinking of how I'm gonna be in the brothers's team soon enough for Xianghui's wedding, I shuddered a little when I overheard all the plans the sisters had in mind. And sure enough, when the brothers and Joseph came, they had do some really disgusting stuff. I managed to dodge the bullet on account of being the bride's brother. Grins.

It was a really hot day, but we gamely trooped over to church after all that for the wedding ceremony. The whole ceremony proceeded really smoothly, and there were many who came up to extend their congratulations. Many relatives, whom I don't even recognize, all called my name and grabbed my hand to speak to me. Was a really really embarrassing time for me man... Hehz... Was thinking to myself just how dead am I gonna be at my own wedding (if I ever manage to con a girl into marrying me, I mean), when it comes to inviting relatives, and greeting them when they show up. Worse was to follow at the tea ceremony, when Jo and my sis had to serve tea and call each relative by their exact 'title'. I think I would have just chosen to jump out of the window.

Then when it was all over, I stayed out with Paul and Stanley to have dinner and a drink while watching Man Utd screw up a match against Spurs. Went home late, tried working on my MC script for the dinner, and realised I was too drunk to think clearly. So slept instead and woke up with a terrific hangover. Went for service, after which we celebrated Enoch and Huilin's birthday. Rushed down to the hotel (thank God for the Lancer. Hehz...) to meet the co-ordinators to finalize plans for the dinner, then had to spend an hour frantically trying to prepare something to say at the dinner. Bathed, then rushed down for all the sound checks and stuff, and never looked back since then.

I thought the dinner was really sweet, I had my fair share of banter with Joseph on stage, and there was enough mush to go around by the various speeches to qualify it as a heart-warming dinner. All in all, I really felt the whole thing went off really well. I had my share of pretty major screw-ups on stage, but I doubt many caught it. I was a little raw, naturally, since it was my first time being an MC... but I think I would have been a tad too harsh with myself if I said I sucked.

*deep breathe*

Here's the song I wrote, for anyone interested in reading it. Yes, Mei, feel free to mock this work of love that is God's gift to the couple...

从今以后

Verse 1:
现在起
你我要学习
从今以后
彼此地相依
不顾前路有多么艰苦
两颗心
永远不分离

Verse 2:
在此刻
只想对你说
从今以后
将与你合一
生命不再
只属于自己
我愿把
一生交给你

Chorus:
从今以后
要学习爱戴与珍惜
从今以后
风雨路陪你走过
天父祂慈爱的看顾
成全我与你
在祂爱里
你我建立
我们的家庭

Bridge:
一生一世在祂爱里
一同经历祂丰盛的慈爱

Last Line:
在祂爱里
你我约定
终生不分离

I've put up the song 我愿意为你 because throughout the whole process of composing the song, we couldn't stop bemoaning the fact that this was such a beautiful song to sing at a wedding. Unfortunately Faye Wong has really made it her own, and made it almost impossible to do a better job of it. As such, any attempts to use it at a wedding would really be awful. But its always a personal favorite. Everytime I read the lyrics, I find myself almost soulishly reaching to every emotion that the lyrics convey....

Weddings always stirs up the same feelings of desire that I have to find someone to share my life with, someone whom I could run to at a moments notice, just because I had a spontaneous urge to tell her I love her. Seeing those couples walking in to the dinner and at the wedding... sometimes I had to remind myself to focus on the things I had to do, and not get caught up in my wistful musings.

But I guess I've said enough abt that, so I shall not prolong this post anymore.

Except to say this...

I'm SO gonna miss my sis.

God's Own Fool

Funny that over dinner I shd with Paul yesterday I shd have just mentioned that the most sensible woman in the world can be an absolute wreck of nerves and senses when it comes to affairs of the heart. And perhaps himself being a pretty good benchmark, lemme expand that to include all people on planet earth. Every bystander can see in the most crystal clear manner possible, just why the relationship is an absolute diasaster - yet the party involved will somehow cling on to the "hope against hope" that time and stubborn resolve would prove its critics wrong. And how we celebrate the odd story in a million where indeed the critics have been confounded, where love in all its grit has triumphed over all.

All that is a prelude to what I just learnt tonight. a friend of mine, inadvertently at first, perhaps... let slip that she had driven all the way to her ex's house, so as to somehow allow the proximity to him (in this case, his car) temper the grief of the broken relationship. Of course, my first reaction was one of astonishment at the desperation the gesture more or less signified. Yet the secondary reaction was one of a sheepish recognition, since I myself have many times been guilty of the same tendency, if not the exact same act.

The many times I would find an excuse for myself to pace Holland Village and Jelita Cold Storage, hoping for a glance of her, an opportunity to 'accidentally' bump into her. How it took me the whole of 2 years to wean myself off the habit of instinctively scanning every room in church that I walk into, hoping to find her there. The times back home when I'd imagine the conversations I'd have if I did bump into her... I guess we all have our indulgences as we try to let go, little by little...

I guess God made love to always be the most illogical thing in the world. When the bible talks abt how the foolishness of God is the wisdom of man, I can think of no better example than the love God displayed. How else could we ever explain a God dying for the sake of us? Sometimes we've heard the message so much that we've become numbed to the sheer ludicrity of such an act.

Somehow God dying for us has become quite a logical thing to do.

And I guess its right about that time that we stop being captivated by the magnitude of God's love, measured against the sheer inanity of His sacrifice. Tonight I find myself very much humbled by the timeless truth of God's love showed in how He sent His Son to die on a cross for my sins. Because when we appreciate the beauty of the act, and not be so quick to apply theology to it, the absurdity of God's gesture would be many times more foolish than the most ridiculous act you could imagine a lover to be capable of. Much more stupid than what my friend did tonight, or that I ever did in the past.

I find myself very much in the mood to celebrate love, suddenly. I spent my dinner trying to wrack my brains with Paul, for a song to sing at my sister's wedding. I've lamented about how my lack of a love life seemed to have stifled my ability to write lyrics that exalts love. I wasn't half as keen as Henry & Bernice were to find a christian song, figuring that a secular one would do just as well. Yet right now, there is a much different picture in my mind, of how the love of a man and woman will always look cheap if it exists in and of itself, measured against the incomparable love of Christ. To thus celebrate a marriage without that Sovereign Love as the backdrop of it all would very much cheapen any love story, no matter how much the couple in question feel like they're fulfilled.

Michael Card always writes songs like no one else I know. His lyrics paint pictures in your head that would have put to shame anyone who believed that "a picture paints a thousand words". Tonight this song somehow surprised me by touching off something inside of me.

God really makes all things beautiful in His own time.

Life's Ironies

Slow day at work.

Slow meaning I need to slow down cos I'm spoiling market by producing too many too fast. So unless I slow down now, I'm gonna have 2 pairs of eyes glaring... no, make that staring - at me.

Grins.

Anyway, I just thought that it was really funny this morning that the news reported Wayne Rooney was passed fit to play for England in the match against Poland. What tickled me was learning he had a late injury scare in training, when - get this - his ankle was clipped... by Peter Crouch.

Muahahaha... for the football unsavvy, Rooney is just back from serving his suspension, and was poised to take back his position in the team... currently occupied by Crouch.

Hehz...

My week

England just posted a 1-0 win against Austria, with my dear Beckham again being sent off. No doubt he'll be crying to the media once again about how he's been the victim of a harsh decision, after which will follow stories of huge conspiracies against him.

The whole week has sped past me so fast. Its scary to think that the wedding is just 2 weeks away from now. So many things are still so unsettled. I still dunno what song to sing (the rehearsal is on thursday), I still haven't worked out with anyone the sequence for the dinner (I'm the emcee), I need to cut my hair, decide on what to wear so I can borrow the appropriate ties from Paul (yes darling, I'm gonna need to borrow them, by the way...), just to list some of the more major things I have yet to do for the wedding.

Its really scary. I can't even begin to imagine how my sis must be feeling.

Married.

As much as we all mull so much over whether or not this is the right one for me, we acknowledge the uncertainty of it all evne within a r/s... how much more scary it is to step into such an uncertain and irrevocable position as to be married to that someone? Some people fear death because of the uncertainty ahead - no one knows what's gonna happen whe you cross over to the other side. And as much as there is an irony here about using death as the analogy, I guess that's really the greatest doubt that crosses everyone's mind.

Man...

Weixiu's already making such a big meal out of just getting attached. I think I shd tell her boyfriend to propose on their first date out, cos it'll prob take her the next 20 yrs to decide to say yes.

Grins.

My manager's returning next week, so there goes my goofing off in the office. Sigh. Things just always seem to be getting tougher and tougher eveywhere. I'm just gonna be glad once the month is over, cos it'll mean the wedding's over and done with - and that I'll have gotten my first full paycheck. Hehz... Yes, I owe Weixiu a treat. Hmm... thinking MacDonald's or KFC...

Wuahahahahaha...

This week of talking to so many pple, and the topic mainly abt r/s, I guess its sort of stirred up in me again longings that I thought I had put down pretty well already. I told myself that I'd wait till I graduated before I considered dating, but with a lot of the cobversations lately centering about how timing is so important in getting hitched to the right person, I'm wondering if I shd let my 3-yr window be a determining factor in deciding whether or not its bad timing... So that if opportunity comes up, I'd actually go for it instead of sticking by my decision to wait it out.

Cos its a really lonely path to tread alone. I've always wanted to bring my own girlfriend to my sis's wedding. Or at least I had always pictured bringing Grace. To somehow now be going there alone suddenly made me again think abt how the future we had envisioned together, and the dreams we had built up over 4 yrs, has all come to naught now. As much as that somehow makes me very cautious abt getting into another r/s again, there's at the same time the desire to build new dreams with someone else, and to try again to make it work this time round.

Its the same sort of impulse as what you get when you play a game and lose... you wanna straight away give it a second try, and hopefully get it right this time round.

But it just sounds so silly when I equate it to a game.

Sigh.

But ah well.

Tmr will be the last time I run... before the wedding, at least. Its been a good 5 months' worth of work, and I think I do feel a lot healthier, if not for that knee of mine which I suspect will soon have to go. It hurts pretty badly nowadays, even when I'm just walking up the stairs. Not sure what I shd do about it, actually. But tmr I'm sure gonna just give it the run of my life... and hope the knee holds up. It'll be so ironic now if I end up going to the wedding with crutches.

Grins.

Its been a pretty emotinally trying few weeks for everyone, and I've noticed a few people breaking down on various occaions... some very subtle and unnoticeable unless you were aware of what to look out for. Yet such heavy-heartedness has been a very tangible presence, and in many ways contributed to the very low-energy feeling in ministry lately. Tonight at worship prac, Bernice was again sharing so many things that were pressing on her, many of which I can really empathize with.

I know I say it very often.... and don't do it half as much.. I really feel the very heavy burden to be praying more. There's this mental picture that comes to mind where I imagine God just hovering around, waiting for us to really start praying, upon which He will step in to do his work... yet it seems that even though its so simple, we just seem to busy ourselves with everything except pray.

We can really be such silly creature sometimes.

Anyway, I've put up another old song that I've found. Pity I can't do it for my sis's wedding. I gebuinely think its a really sweet song, and so cute.

Ah well.

Mebbe I'll use it for mine.

Wuahahahahahaha...

Fridays I'm In Love

Hehz... no, nothing abt love... just thinking abt the song... since its friday... Mebbe I'll put it up tonight. =)

Here I am, in the office on a friday morning, more than an hour early. But I do enjoy the peace and quiet it offers me... esp after yesterday's trauma of working the whole day alone cos everyone else is on off, MC, or in training.

Its been a pretty fast week... starting with some guys going off on training, but a newcomer coming in. Yesterday was Weixiu's birthday, and I was helping Kevin co-ordinate her birthday surprise in the office. So there've been my fair share of things to keep me occupied...

I've been feeling so exhausted lately from the flurry of things. Was supposed to have a rehearsal last night for Wendy's function next wk, but turned out that the actual thing falls on the same day as my sis's wedding rehearsal, so I had to cancel. Felt pretty bad... Speaking of which, I have yet to pick a song to sing. Shit man. I only seem to be able to think of goofy funny songs. And if I ever do something like that, I'll never be able to go home again after that.

My knee's really bad also, for some reason. Didn't run on sunday, feeling really lethargic now... I think this week die die als must run already... I need to work out a little, just to limber up a little man.. feeling like a slug now.

A really big slug.

A really really large slug.

A really really really large slug that isn't moving much...

Erm, you get the picture...

Of course, my buddy ain't having the best of times in his life. (Then again, I can't remember the last time he wasn't in the midst of one crisis, moving into another one. At least this time round I'm happy for him. Grins.) Between work and lessons, I guess its easy to drown out our thoughts with things that tire us out... And even as he struggles to cope with his... loss (was tempted to putdown 'gain' instead), I'm also trying my best to muster the strength to adjust myself to the rigours of having to study after working hours. Its pretty tortuous.

Found out a lotta things lately what's going on in a few pple's r/s, crushes on pple... budding romances... lost oportunities... tough decisions... I guess its the only thing left that's keeping me alive. Not that I'm gloating and feeding off other pple's misery, or that I'm so mean as to find joy in what they're going through, but there's a part of me that looks at all that's going on with a great deal of amusement.

We're all such strange creatures, living in such a paradoxical existence. We want to use our heads to make decisions about the heart, then wonder why we don't feel anything. We enjoy the ambiguity of a friendship, yet demand (at least to ourselves) that lines be so clearly drawn that the friendship itself is no longer alive. And for me, sometimes its so tempting to draw away when getting close to someone, yet the yearning at the same time to get even close than I've already come.

Whatever the case, its fri... another week has come and gone. I think I'm playing for Bernice this week... Hope I do better than I did last week. Hehz... Stupid Mingyang actually taped the worship, so I'm gonna have to endure hearing myself play.... Help.

Had a lot to say, but decided I'm not having a coherent night.

Just to say that this song goes out to someone, as an encouragment to her. Kudos for having made a tough decision, albeit after mulling over the matter longer than a turtle takes to complete a marathon.

Grins.

Its been a bad week, actually. So much has been happening to those dear to me, its actually weighing me down. Everyone's energy level seems so low...

Must... pray... more...

Life & Handphones...

Tonight for the first time I saw the Nokia 8800 handphone outside of the shops. Quite a rare sight, given its $1.4k price tag. It kindda stayed in my mind, after which I was observing the myriads of handphone models on display on the bus ride home… Each displaying to a different degree the kind of choices it owners made, some due to choice of features, most due to budgetary constraints, and some even due to a lack of proper consideration.

Lame as it might seem to some, I guess it suddenly struck me that life is pretty much like that sometimes. We have the few amongst us whose life seem to be the perfect example of what we want – the Nokia 8800. The epitome of success, with its all encompassing features squeezed into a very compact and aesthetically pleasing shape. Class, elegance and sophistication all rolled up into one. And every common man (well, almost every la…) aspires to that, forgetting that given its rarity, it actually is what’s unreal, as compared to what the rest of the real world actually carries around. (After all, real people carry cheap handphones that are scratched in one corner and cracked in another, just as real people life lives of insufficiencies and inadequacies...)

Ain’t that what we all are like in life? With the measure that been dealt us in life, we each are allotted our own ‘handphones’ – some are flashy, some are plain. So often we won’t really use a feature in the handphone, but we’d much rather have it in the phone if possible, thank you. After all, we all want our phones to be as close to the Nokia 8800 as possible, don't we?

So it is with our lives.

We are so eager to equip ourselves materially and technically (piano... ballet... third, fourth and fifth language… courses on everything under the sun…), that we seldom pause to think abt what we really want to do with it, except that we don’t want to lose out to others. So if the package deal offers me a Bluetooth headset that comes with the phone, I’ll gladly choose that over the other phone at the same price which doesn’t have the same feature – even tho chances are I’ll use the headset once and never touch it again cos I can’t figure it out.

We’re such funny beings… by nature so keen to avoid losing out that we end up being dictated by what others have – we’ve gotta make sure we don’t end up disadvantaged by them. Whatever happened to living life being true to ourselves, and being who we want to be? I’ll tell you – we’ve ended up just wanting to be better than others.

So my choice of handphones in many way reflects the way I choose to live my life. My own paper chase today is the result of the same mentality. What the heck am I doing with a degree in management, I don’t know. Just that I’m told in today’s society, you’ll lose out if you don’t get one. I got myself a driving license only to end up with a self-imposed ban on driving. I’m always told to go take up courses in IT, in another language, cos it helps improve and upgrade me…

I’m left wondering – improve me from what to what? Am I a worser person for not having a cert in another language, or not having a mind of my own (or a life of my own, for that matter)?

So why the paper chase, to be brighter and more successful than others? My Motorola v3 phone works basically the same way as my old Nokia 6100 (which cost a fraction of the price), so after the initial hype of it wears off, I’m wondering how its really “improved” my life. I get the odd perks from girls who ogle at the phone (instead of me, ironically), but not much else.

Working and studying has proved more hectic than I imagined myself to be coping with. News that Gabriel has already quit studying really isn’t the kind of motivation I needed. So the temptation is great to just get a job, and try to be like one of those stories that always get thrown at you, of someone who had nothing, and worked his way from the bottom to a management position through hard work.

So as I think abt it, the only reasons that keep me in my degree would be

1. So that my future girlfriend’s mom won’t harp about how her daughter’s apparently marrying down.
2. Did I mention how its probably easier to get a girl if you have a degree?
3. So that its an option if I really do consider going into seminary next time.
4. So that I possess a bit more credibility when I speak, in a very materialistic world that judges a man by his worldly achievements.
5. Because it actually does help me to think… and I’m learning some stuff that I’m interested in knowing more about.
6. Just to appease my whole family who’s so hung up about the fact that a member of the family actually failed to secure a degree.
7. Still trying to prove a point to myself. I’ll tell you again when I’ve figured out what point I’m trying to prove. Something abt how I’m not an abject failure.

Well there you go.

One small qualifier… I’m not against personal upgrading. Henry wouldn’t have been where he is today if his parents hadn’t forced him to cultivate a skill that would eventually become his passion. None of us got to where we are without hard work in something that we’ve all come to be adept in, that we’ve come to enjoy.

But surely everything needs to possess a degree (pardon the pun there,) beyond which it just becomes a mindless chasing after useless things. “A chasing after the wind”, as the Bible likes to call it. I hear of kids going for financial planning courses, etiquette lessons, drama and singing classes, on top of the traditional and customary ballet and piano lessons… all this on top of tuition for any and every lesson in the curriculum in school… and I’m wondering if we only have ourselves to blame when we see our kids turning worldly wise way before their time, when their innocent childhood is snuffed out by the age of three with the worldly wisdom that says we need to prepare our children to be the best next time, so that they can make something of their lives.

Kindda like forcing all the features into a handphone, paying $1.4k for it, and getting a phone that we end up pretty much using just like any other – only that its a lot more brittle.

I wonder if I’d grow up to be half as jovial as I am today (or at least when I try to be)… if I was born in the past 5 years…

Everything In Its Time

Do I really sound very sad lately? So much has been made of my recent posts than usual, that I wonder if its just a wierd confluence of coincidence that everyone is at the same time reading my most recent posts and wondering if I'm teetering on the brink of a nervous breakdown, or if I'm genuinely sadder lately, so much so that I don't even realise it.

Well first of all, I guess you'll never ever hear me blog when I'm happy. I'm too busy enjoying myself to care abt this ugly one-eyed monster on my table, to reproduce on it my ecstasy and exhilaration. (Of course, if Fiona shows up and kisses me, it'll definitely go into my blog, don't get me wrong. But even then it'll be only the following week, after I wake up from my semi-comatose euphoria.) So most of the time, my blog won't be made up of my happy thoughts.

Secondly, I share my happy thoughts with friends, since its more readily something they can identify with, and celebrate with me. Its harder to find a friend who will empathize and commiserate with your misery and insecurities. (Don't get me wrong, friends do try, they really do. But 9 out of 10 times, their attempts either fall flat, or else their patience very quickly gives way to their chicken-soup-for-the-soul advice which they expect you to act upon immediately.) Thus the modus operandi where depressing thoughts end up on my blog, where actually much closer friends still get a look into what goes on behind the facade of joy I show everyone else, while the rest gets to share in my joy, and be the recipients of my attempts to keep them from ever becoming what I really am inside.

Much has also been made about my seemingly endless drivel over relationships, and my seeming obsession with finding myself someone whom I can call my own. Well... I can't really change who I am, and the thoughts that involuntarily occupy my mind the minute I give it free play when I'm tired of purpose-driving/directing all my thoughts. So rather than having friends put up with my endless gushings abt the virtues of having a soulmate in my conversations with them, I leave thoughts as such on the web, where you can choose to read them, or pass them over when you are tired of hearing of it.

As for something else a few have been asking me lately, I guess all I can say is that I won't really ever give a straight answer when anyone ever asks me if I really do have someone on my mind, someone whom I'm currently privately pinning for. The reaons are manifold, but the more salient ones are firstly because I need time to think and consider if its just some silly thoughts I'm entertaining, or if its something worth pursuing further. Having the opinions and the potential encouragement/discouragement from well-meaning friends only serves to muddy up the waters more, leaving me with even less than the rat's ass of a chance I originally had of thinking through things clearly.

Secondly, I always felt that telling someone else who you are interested in, leaves a very binding obligation on you somehow, making it necessary to justify later on why you've moved on, something I'd rather not have to do. And once I've confided in that person of the second or third girl that comes into my considerations later on, the whole process makes me at once feel like I'm too easy with liking a girl (I'm not), then also like I'm too picky and fickle minded (I hope I'm not). The act of confiding in that person is also soon cheapened to talking abt the latest crush I have, an act that in the future might serve to undermine any genuine relationships that might have developed had I been less cavalier in my approach.

Thirdly, I think its unfair to the girl. I think I receive waaaaay too much of the spotlight (my fault, I'll readily admit) when it comes to speculation as to whom I'll end up dating next. If I ever make it known who I'm interested in, I think it puts a lot of undeserved pressure and attention on her, something I'd never ever dream of wanting to inflict on her, esp if I claimed to love her. To the one whom I've confided my secret affections in, that person will never be able to look at the girl in the same light again, and it might even in some way affect their own friendship.

So, forgive me if I never ever come right out to admit if I like someone, or who it is. Quite a number have read my past few posts, and speculated that my tone and voice would indicate that I currently carry a torch for someone. One has even speculated that my recent 'depression', which was presumably picked up from my blog's tone, was due to my unrequited affections, which I in turn blogged about.

Be that as it may. Naturally, I won't admit to anything, be it true or false. But I guess the facts remain the same - between work and ministry, not to mention school and family, its gotta be a girl who wants me really bad in return, to even consider starting a relationship, much less an affection that's just one-sided. So whether or not there's someone on my mind, I don't see myself getting attached for the next three yrs.

Hehz.. so there you go.

Maybe that explains my melancholia.

After all, after a hard day's work and study, you kindda all the more wish there was someone to go home to. To have a voice on the phone to look forward to, and a person behind that voice that provides me with a point of focus so I don't get lost in the flurry of my activities. To somehow stare in the face the fact that it will be denied me till I've passed through this valley on my own, can be a pretty daunting task. No one says I have to go through it with an affected smile and positivism.

Perhaps next month some things will improve, or even if it doesn't, maybe my mood will somehow perk up.

*shrug*

I shall bide my time.

And for all those who visit this site, thanks for your concern and questions. Do bide my time with me.

Where Is The Love?

I've been gently chided for quite a few times now, for overly fixating on relationships. Yet they seem to find me, every corner I turn. Just this day alone, one of the girls in the office told me she was so upset with something she found out abt her recent ex that she couldn't eat her dinner and breakfast. The same day *someone* told me he's just been dumped again for the hundredth time. Hopefully it for the last time. *keeps fingers crossed* Grins. And *someone* moped a little about the futility of liking someone when the feeling isn't reciprocated, voicing the tears and frustrations of a billion lonely people oue there in the planet, with me right up there on the same list.

It seems that everywhere I go, the issue comes up. Mebbe its like what I told Henry - lonely hearts know what its like to 'grieve with those who grieve', when the intense feelings of desire are trapped somewhere in between the compulsion to confess the feelings and hope it will be reciprocated, and the resignation that one would rather remain friends than run the risk of losing even the friendship of the apple of one's eye. Thus the guessing game goes on, everyone assuming that theirs is the unreciprocated feelings. I know. I've been there. The compulsion to hold back all my own emotions, and unload it to my dog/blog, while on the outside never ever showing a trace of how I really felt towards the girl. Drives you crazy. I guess in a way those were fond memories, cos a lot of the romance lies in the ambiguity. Without condoning their act, mebbe that's why men often lose their initiative once they've gotten the girl.

Spekaing of grieving with those with grieve, Joseph's grandmother passed away rather suddenly on early wed morning, abt 1am. In a way it was very abrupt, despite the fact that she lived to a grand 99 yrs old, since she was actually perfectly healthy, with no medical history or indication prior to her massive heart attack on sunday. With the wedding less than a month away, it came as double to blow to Jo who is very very very attached to his grandma, since she's always voiced that watching him walk down the aisle was her greatest desire.

I've been to funerals where old friends meet up and catch up, with a lot of laughter in between. Mebbe its cos the family tries to lighten up the atmosphere out of courtesy. Or perhaps for them, the worst has already passed, and the funeral always takes place during the window when they're more numb to their loss. But of all pple, Joseph Sim who hardly ever displays a weak moment (except, perhaps in DotA, where he can't really help it... hehz...), his grief was written all over his face, as well as over the faces of his two sisters. It was hard to watch him struggle to keep his emotions in check as he related to us what happened, and the sorrow he tried to mask were written all over his face. It was hard not to tear a little inside, seeing him struggle to come to terms with the loss, and struggle to get a grip on himself.

I guess as I left the wake, on my way back, it finally struck me that that was really how one grieves with those who grieves. To somehow at one level be able to feel one's loss as if it were one's own, and by doing so, be able to bridge the gap between one person and another, and stand side by side to each other.

Diana even tried calling me, after which she messaged to ask how I am. Was pretty sweet of her. Perhaps I've really been sounding a little too morose lately. Quite a few have asked. I always reply that it might just be my tiredness making me more sorry for myself than usual... and yes, I really do think so. I'm actually really alright in many ways. Yet on the other hand, with everything that's going around me, not even counting what's going on inside me... perhaps I really am right to withdraw and take time out to sort myself out. if I had maniacally gone on as I always did, this week would really have killed me. My time inside my shell now puts me in the right place to reach out to those around me.

Work's been pretty goos to me so far. Am having fun somehow, despipte the rather dry and repetitive task. Made a good fren, and we help each other stay awake and chat away our time. Too tired to say more abt the job already.

Another time perhaps.

Aww...

I swear that all this wedding talk day in day out amongst the twenty-thousand-except-me who are getting married is all getting to me. Today Joseph was singing love songs to my sis at the dinner table in front of both our sets of parents, and even his own elder sister. *cringe*

Forever Valentines’

Red roses were her favorites, her name was also Rose.
And every year her husband sent them, tied with pretty bows.
The year he died, the roses were delivered to her door.
The card said, "Be my Valentine," like all the years before.

Each year he sent her roses, and the note would always say,
"I love you even more this year, than last year on this day."
"My love for you will always grow, with every passing year."
She knew this was the last time that the roses would appear.

She thought, he ordered roses in advance before this day.
Her loving husband did not know, that he would pass away.
He always liked to do things early, way before the time.
Then, if he got too busy, everything would work out fine.

She trimmed the stems, and placed them in a very special vase.
Then, sat the vase beside the portrait of his smiling face.
She would sit for hours, in her husband's favorite chair.
While staring at his picture, and the roses sitting there.

A year went by, and it was hard to live without her mate.
With loneliness and solitude, that had become her fate.
Then, the very hour, as on Valentines before,
The doorbell rang, and there were roses, sitting by her door.

She brought the roses in, and then just looked at them in shock.
Then, went to get the telephone, to call the florist shop.
The owner answered, and she asked him, if he would explain,
Why would someone do this to her, causing her such pain?

"I know your husband passed away, more than a year ago," The owner said,
"I knew you'd call, and you would want to know."
"The flowers you received today, were paid for in advance."
"Your husband always planned ahead, he left nothing to chance."

"There is a standing order, that I have on file down here,
And he has paid, well in advance, you'll get them every year.
There also is another thing, that I think you should know,
He wrote a special little card...he did this years ago."

"Then, should ever, I find out that he's no longer here,
That's the card...that should be sent, to you the following year."
She thanked him and hung up the phone, her tears now flowing hard.
Her fingers shaking, as she slowly reached to get the card.

Inside the card, she saw that he had written her a note.
Then, as she stared in total silence, this is what he wrote...
"Hello my love, I know it's been a year since I've been gone,
I hope it hasn't been too hard for you to overcome."

"I know it must be lonely, and the pain is very real.
For if it was the other way, I know how I would feel.
The love we shared made everything so beautiful in life.
I loved you more than words can say, you were the perfect wife."

"You were my friend and lover, you fulfilled my every need.
I know it's only been a year, but please try not to grieve.
I want you to be happy, even when you shed your tears.
That is why the roses will be sent to you for years."

"When you get these roses, think of all the happiness,
That we had together, and how both of us were blessed.
I have always loved you and I know I always will.
But, my love, you must go on, you have some living still."

"Please...try to find happiness, while living out your days.
I know it is not easy, but I hope you find some ways.
The roses will come every year, and they will only stop,
When your door's not answered, when the florist stops to knock."

"He will come five times that day, in case you have gone out.
But after his last visit, he will know without a doubt,
To take the roses to the place, where I've instructed him,
And place the roses where we are, together once again."

History Lessons

Couple of lines from a very very old song is sticking in my head.

"I took the sweet life, I never knew I would be bitter from the sweet,
I've spent my life exploring the subtle whoring that costs too much to be free."

Past few weeks have seen me slowly withdrawing more and more into a shell, and take time out to again find myself. Been again asking myself how much of my life would have diffferent if I had taken another road. The things that I thought would bring me closer to what I wanted, and the subsequent consequences that only leaves me three steps behind where I started... (this alluding to a lot more than my r/s, by the way. I've my share of regrets in this life, and then some.)

And how I compensate by trivialising my life, with my hollow smiles and wise-cracks, willing myself to believe that if I make light of my losses, then light will be the price I paid for all my regrets. The brash and reckless manner I many times chose to blunder into a mistake and then bullishly try to stay the course, somehow cruelly deceiving myself into believing that two wrongs make a right, that if I but stay with my mistake all the way, things will turn out well in the end.

No matter how many fresh starts I make, I guess it never changes the past. All it can change is the future, that I remind myself of my misspent youth, and the heavy cost of it has exacted upon me. Someone once said that until we learn from history's mistakes, we will be forced to repeat it. The cycles of my life thus far have been nothing short of the fulfillment of such a prophecy. And the temptation remains strong in me to retain this almost habitual self-destructive tendency. Thoughts of throwing away the lessons I learnt, to with reckless abandon give in to the desires of my heart, to throw caution to the wind and gamble using my life as the stakes, and to continue to live in the fantasy that more wrongs will create more rights.

I always did suck at history.

Of Trials And Of Thanksgivings

Discovered belatedly someone called Janice, who has been writing columns for the now defunct STREATS for a few years, and had collected some of her writings into a book that's just been released, called "SPG - Single Picky Girl". And I've been utterly smitten with some of the stuff written in it. Naturally, its a book dedicated to musings on love and life, waxing eloquently on a lot of the issues that dating and single people face, both publicly and privately.

You can go read a sampling here - www.janice-wong.com

Anyway, these few days have been really morose times. Everyone around me seems to be pretty much down in the dumps, depressed, dejected, tired out from work, worn out from their relationships, generally depressed as always... you get the picture. And instead of the usual group huddle where we lament and pour out stories of our own martyrdom to each other, we've somehow more or less all been strangely keeping from each other. Or mebbe its just been me. Been shutting down and shutting out a little more than I do lately. (Oh by the way, the song "Jian Ai" is for JL, as promised. You'll get to hear it if I finally managed to load the blasted thing into angelfire, which apparently is down again. *fingers crossed*)

Even Xiying's blog is on the topic of worrying and fretting over much in life.

Makes me wonder if there are seasons to this kindda stuff. Some form of global karma that determines the emotional mood that we all experience. Or mebbe there really is meant to be some balance in the 'force'. So in some corner of the world someone now is unbearably happy and jubilant, so we all have to cut back on our own dosage of joy and geniality.

Or we could continue to blame it on the weather. Or flog our spiritual self for being so untrusting towards God, forsaking our hope in Him that ought to have made us glad and lifted us out of our gloom/doom. Or blame it on our lack of a fulfilling love life, that ought to have completed us and made us whole.

There's this one line in Janice's writing that really struck me. She wrote abt the how our partners are never meant to complete us - but just complement us. Our lives ought to find completion within our selves, and be independent of another human being in that aspect. What our partners shd be doing is to complement us, to walk beside us to the effect of making us better people.

Or mebbe its as someone told me today, that she's just going through a phase where she passes through a valley in her emotional life, and she's just biding her time till she sees sun again.

Or whatever else reasons there might be.

I'm just gonna take tonight, irregardless of what's been going on around me, within me and to me, and just take this night to count my blessings. For the things that I ought to have sat down to give thanks for but failed to, for the things that I believe if I give it due considerations I'd learn to appreciate what really transpired and be grateful for it, and for the things that I should note so that whether it be in the near or distant future, I'd learn to be thankful when I see how the gloom has resolved itself into something beautiful.

And after that, hang on tight and continue to bide my own time in my own seemingly endless valley of emotions, till the day I see the light again.

Shit!!! I'm So Dead!!! I'm Like So Dead Can???

Grins.

Couple of people are now chuckling at my title.

Another attempt to hit the sack before 3am is aborted, and again I sit in front of the PC, tying to turn the turmoil up in my head into something more productive, and perhaps in the hope that if I can somehow materialise my jumbled reveries, I can lay them to rest up in my head, and have a literal peace of mind to drift off into slumber.

So many things in my head that I don't even know what to put down, or muse over.

• I turned down the offer from Singapre Power.
• Today I celebrated Gerald's birthday.
• Ate at Peach Garden. Good stuff.
• Watched As It Is In Heaven. Good enough for me. Some thoughts about it here and there.
• Gotta lead worship this sunday. Better prepare soon.
• Been feeling a little listless and lost lately. A handful have been asking if I'm alright. Dunno if I am, actually...
• Still waiting for offer from Reuters, YMCA, otherwise considering working or Joseph again.
• Still somehow hoping money will drop from the sky so I can be done with the financial cloud over my head.
• Need to register soon for UOL Exams. Need to send in my certs.
• Wonder how Weixiu and Kevin are gonna end up. (Grins)
• This sunday gonna be at Zhang Mu Shi's place again, so no run again. Better eat less this wk.
• Yet to pick songs for sister's wedding. Still attempting to write them. Failing miserably. Without a hint of a love life myself, mebbe I'm not really in the right frame of mind to write such songs. Everything comes out more lovelorn and depressed than celebrating love.
• Yes, a couple of conversations recently between close friends that we are indeed all lonely people, feeling it acutely, yet trying our best not to show it.
• We've yet to start anything for Levite Ministry. Still need to train Gabriel, and learn the new software.
• Must watch the Vatican exhibition man. Supposed to organise Levite Ministry.
• We need a new laptop. Mine's really not gonna make it much longer.
• Need to figure out what to do with my laptop.
• Think I really lost my portable harddisk. Drats. May the thief break both his arms carrying it ard.
• Need to borrow my reference books from NUS soon, and get them zapped.
• Library books. Reminds me. Need to ask Paul to settle the missing book. Eventually.
• Think I'm really struggling with my Econs. Did I make the right decision to do Management after all?
• Mom's retiring soon. She's serious abt the shop. But how to juggle work, studies and shop?
• After all these years, I still miss my dog. Want to get one, but scared to do so. Losing Brutus was too painful.
• My watch strap needs to be changed. But its so ex. Yet leaving it unchanged basically means I'm as good as throwing the watch away. So stupid.
• Sis is in France. Hope she's having fun. Wonder if she's found me a nice shirt for the wedding. =)
• Two new credit cards came in today. Amex Platinum and my OCBC renewal card. Damn. Need to curb spending instinct. Must... control... self...
• Noticed how the staff at Spinelli's today treated me so different from usual cos I was in very formal attire.
• Remembering a lotta comments made this morning on the Morning Express abt the proposed regulations to punsh those who cheat the public transport system. Singaporeans sometimes really amaze me.
• Man Utd has been playing real badly. Damn.
• My body still aches. Wonder how much worse my fitness is gonna get once I start work.
• Mom reminded me today abt NS. Dammit. Yes, I'm activated from the holding list for reservist duty anytime already. (Double damn)
• Need to pack my wardrobe very very very very soon. Dreading the task.
• Am finding it easier and easier to ignore my dad already. Not a good sign. Very soon we'll just end up very estranged. But he pisses me off everytime I talk to him. Sigh.
• Finally finished Larry Crabb's book. Very interesting. Am quite happy with it. Am thinking of a lot of pple that wanna recommend the book to.
• Need to check up on Marbella stuff for sis.
• God is good! Was actually pretty broke, but out of nowhere a few pple started returning me money. Grins.

How's that for a sample of thoughts on my mind? Not to mention replaying the many conversations I've had with people throughout the day... from ten second sound bytes to the longer conversations, from frivolous topics to the heavier and more depressing ruminations. Throw some of the more private conversations and confidences a few have shared with me, and that I've also shared back, and its easy to see why I can't go to sleep.

If only I could surgically implant a switch to switch my brainwaves to 'sleep' mode, and get someone to switch it back in the morning.

Mebbe this is exactly what the Bible's talking abt when we're told to not worry abt tomorrow, since it is of absolutely no help. But dammit, I just dunno how to snap out of it.

The evening has been nice and cool. Been indulging in my Valen Hsu songs, feeding my lonely depression. Yet despite all the gloom that ought to have slowed me down, I find myself ironically free associating thoughts, and at an increasing pace.

&%%^%$##*&*(&^!!!!!!!!

人在江湖，身不由己

今天终于把 “天龙 八部” 和 “射鸼英雄传” 给看完了。心中不禁再次发出了一些的感叹。就如歌中里所描述的心情，每当我在看着一般的戏时，心头总是在问自己，与我思守一生的伴侣到底在哪儿。恨不得自己就是戏中里的男主角，就算再是受尽多少的艰苦，若能换得一位知己，也算是熬了过来，是值得的。

每次看到戏中的英雄好汉，各各都是死的死，伤的伤，也大概就只有男女主角两位能够终成眷属， 何等地异味着真情的可贵和难得啊！咳。而看着一部一部的戏里，他们能有一个圆满的结局，总是自叹不如，在问自己若找到一位那么值得我去执著的女子时，我是否会那么的全心全意付出我的一切去争取。

我向来做事的一个大毛病，就是我处事优柔寡断，总是不能肯定自己的决定，常常喜欢为自己布置一条后路。而感情这种事上，却更加是不能三心两意的了。一个值得去追的好女子，自然是有许多人在抢，又怎能轮到一个犹豫不决的人得到呢？但自己却从没勇气向她人示情，也就只能眼睁睁地预备自己这一生一个人过活了吧。

在这种无奈之下，才真正能够体会出歌中的心情。在生活里所得不到的欲望，却能够在戏里得到一时的解脱，一个暂时性的成全。“在别人的剧本演自己的缘份”，这句话还真有意思。不管是在戏里的剧本，或是将来看着自己心上人跟另一个男子的剧本，至少能够在自己的脑海里活出自己的缘分来。看着戏里有情人终成眷属时，还真为他们高兴。想必将来若不能与心上人在一起时，能看着她快乐，也应该就满足了。

而至于我呢... 我宁愿学习自足常乐，也不要因寂寞而随便找个伴。以此看来，我看我还是养狗算了吧...

Closer

So much has happened lately in my life that I haven't blogged down. Been pretty much occupied with my thoughts even as I run around town for various errands and reasons for the past few weeks. From the cell grp MAF bbq, to my job interview, so much has actually happened. Yet I've somehow been very much lost in my own thoughts, and hazy ones they have been as best.

As they always have been.

Somehow I always seem to think better when I'm on the bus home. Once I sit in front of the PC, all my thoughts seem to either be running too quickly past me to be able to note them down and process them here on the blog, or else just don't seem to come at all. So what results is my streams-of-consciousness-esque blabbering that seldom appear even coherent, much less makes sense.

One song has really caught my attention these past 2 days tho. Its a new CD I bought, together with an excellent book I bought at the same time, which I'm very much engrossed in. The CD is called "Lifesong", by Casting Crowns. The song is the one playing right now, "Stained Glass Masquerade". Much has been made of Nichole Nordeman's song and lyrics, and it comes as no surprise therefore, to realise that this is a song co-written by her. The whole CD in general is pretty unique in that it speaks very much to the church, on issues within, instead of a praise/proclamation/worship CD. The object of attention seems to be as much directed at the body of Christ, as on Christ Himself. And somehow this song just struck such a chord with everything else I've always felt abt myself in church, as I'm sure is something many have felt, and still feel.

The book is another gem by Larry Crabb, simply titled "Connecting". Only at the first 2 chapters, but he's managed to keep me riveted. He assumes that many, if not all, in church are people hurting inside. And that the answer lies not in trying to manage one's spiritual life in the dogmatic way we all end up doing while at the same time verbally rejecting, but in the inter-personal relationships we all have. That fellowship is God's gift for us to one another. To quote one passage from him -

"Groups tend to emphasize accountability when they don't know how to relate. Better behavior through exhortation isn't the solution, though it sometimes is part of it. Rather than fixing psyches or scolding sinners, we must provide nourishment for the disconnected soul that only a community of connected people can offer."

That paragraph really swept me away, since it so succinctly put into words all my gripes so far with the way the church has always tried to 'treat' what it has viewed as 'deviant' behavior. Is someone behaving unacceptably? Well... since no one is close to him and can therefore talk to him, let's just point out stuff in the bible and let God speak to him instead. And so we start pointing out things in the bible to each other, thinking naively that since the word of God is alive, it would start changing those who obey - and so go on to label as rebellious those who don't seem to show a change in their lives. Throughout this whole process we forget that whether or not a person changes, he or she remains an alienated member of the community, since no one took the trouble to befriend and connect with the person.

The church lately has been emphasizing a lot on community living. On forgiving each other, and on showing grace towards one another. I'm really glad about that. For far too long our church has been such a divided body. I guess I myself am guilty of that in so many ways. But maybe part of growing up is the realisation that it very seldom is about what I think is right or wrong, but about what is best for everyone, and what would build each other up. So that I would show grace and tolerance towards someone who in my impression is sinning, rather than exercise discipline in full knowledge that it would instead stumble that person. If in no other way have I grown spiritually, at least this is one lesson I've learnt.

And that's something I really love about the song, and how ably the words reflect just how broken we all are inside, if we just be honest with each other and ourselves. Each on of us masking our desperation, and our insecurities. Everyone of us building walls around ourselves in order to look good enough for others to accept. And reading the book at the same time really does tie it all together for me, that the shame keeps us away from relating to others, which leaves us as disconnected souls that in turn breeds even more loneliness and self-loathing.

Its actually been more than 2 weeks since I've done proper quiet time already. Yet I've spent much time reflecting, and a little time in prayer. And like Bernice, I'm starting to want to see myself praying more, so that even when disconnected to people, I will at least start with a connection to God, then move on from there.

Am very interested to read the book through to the end...

Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow

I've always been fascinated by partings. When we bid someone farewell forever, be it in life or in death, its always with such paradoxical emotions. The joy at knowing that a friend has closed a chapter in his/he life, and is starting a new one, yet a joy tainted by the sorrow and regret at the closure of something so good that we once had. Even being happy for one who has departed, trusting in the promise that we shall meet again in a higher place, mixed with the pain of the permanence of the parting for now.

I've had opportunities galore to bid people farewell, from friends going overseas, never to be heard from above, to those who've left and com eback, only to leave again... I've had relatives who have passed away, friends and peers who are likewised deceased already... I've had friends in my past whom we've agreed not to meet again due to altercations, and close friends who have simply moved on with their lives and gradually grown distant... and of course I've had love spurned and parted for good.

Yet even as each occasions calls for such such different emotions, and different deliberations, it always results in the same... remembrance and nostalgia.

I find myself strangedly enchanted by the glances in parting scenes everytime I watch a show... it bears an irresistable fascination for me, and evokes in me a peculiar pathos... the impression of a desperation to store away forever as much memories as one can manage... every sight, every gesture, every detail of the person... and also the regret that it has to come to a parting such as this... So much emotions can be made out of that one little shot of a parting look.

Reminds me of the song by ABBA, in the musical Mamma Mia. "Slipping Through My Fingers". The desperate regrets, the feeling of letting go, and the recognition that from now on it won't ever be the same again, but that its time to move on.

The first time I heard abt one of my peers dying, it struck me just how much I was affected by it. Wasn't particularly close to begin with, but we were after all once friends, and had spent a considerable amount of time together. And like all funerals, when walking round the coffin, and looking at the body inside, all the memories of conversations we've had before comes to mind, and the things we've done together. Within that split second, a collage is painted of all our shared exstence, which would have taken days to be described and narrated. And any disagreements we once had suddenly seemed so petty in light of the finality of parting.

Have been sending off lots of friends for studies in the past few years, some of them very very dear to me. Naturally, the pain at losing them is something very tangible. The regret is even more so, at the lost opportunities to cherish each other better in the years we've had together... And its those times at the airport that I desperately try to store up as much of them as I can, taking in their every gesture, their parting words, the things that were said in our last few moments together before we'd be parted, sometimes for good. And after that comes the many many times when I'd sit in church, or wander around in town, and the memories would resurface of the things we've done together while they were still in Singapore. The movies we've watched, the suppers we've had, the programs we've organised and led in church, the places we've studied together...

Suddenly letting go becomes impossible to do. And I soon start to wonder if letting go means I have to forget. Does being able to remember with fondness and also a tinge of regret imply that I have yet to let go? Where does sentimentalism cross the boundaries into the trap of living in the past?

In the meantime, I continue to be absolutely fascinated by just how much a parting look can evoke so much emotions inside of me, stirring up so much that I can't even begin to understand.

Desperately Seeking Christmas

Here I am, with a pretty important interview coming up tmr morning, yet I can't sleep. As a matter of fact, my agent called to tell me the appointment is at 0845 in the morning today, but her email to me states that its at 1510 on thursday. Having sent me the information only tonight, I didn't even have the chance to verify, but am left with no choice but to wake up early and show up tmr, hoping I haven't made a wasted trip.

Just bawled my eyes out watching the last episode of Tian Long Ba Bu. Its always gone down as one of my fav storis by Louis Cha, even tho its actually one of the messiest of his stories... cos its also the story with the greatest tragic hero he's ever written of. I guess I've always believed that fate makes the cruelest jokes of us all. The stories with the most happily-ever-afters naturally seem to be the most fictitious and unrealistic.

I dunno when was it that I started having such a view of life. The optimists see me as pessimistic. I naturally see myself as pragmatic. Having seen so much of the lives of those around me wrecked by the merciless twists of life, and left to pick up the pieces and make the best of their shattered dreams, I guess somewhere along the way I've become convinced that this is an unfeeling and unforgiving world we live in indeed. So much so that even we ourselves don't easily allow anything or anyone else a second chance to hurt us after the first cut, but choose to cleave away from the source of hurt, in the process negating all the good there previously was.

A part of me wants to hold on to what precious little remains of the the shreds of my dreams and ideals, thus forcing me to withdraw them deeper and deeper into myself, and protect it with a veil of cynicism that pre-empts any disappointments that might follow. Thus might the hurt never again touch my aspirations and hope of a better world than what I see around me.

For everywhere I turn, I see broken marriages, broken families, broken friendships and relationships, broken lives, broken churches... the list is endless. The never-ending cycle of the mockery that life makes of most of us, of our unfulfilled ambitions and our unrequited sentiments.

Ironic that I shd be marginally involved in the Christmas Play that Paul's writing for his church. I guess it reminded me not to drive my ideals too far within myself lest I suffocate it, but jostle my memory again to the fact that in spite of how God saw all that I saw, and then some, He still something saw something beautiful, so much that He was willing to stake His own Son, in order to redeem it.

Right now, I'm really wishing Christmas comes quickly.

Melancholia

So another week has passed me by, with a lot of things on my mind. Whether its job offers, the cell group, taking time out for myself, worship ministry matters, or just running errands all over S'pore, its been a pretty good week, where for once I haven't had much time to mull over my usual pet topic.

Even Serene and Derek's wedding on saturday didn't really seem to give me impetus to reflect on much. Maybe its cos I wasn't particularly close to them. Maybe its cos I had a lot of other things on my mind, such as Paul's Christmas Play. Or maybe I was just too busy socialising with all the old friends in Crusade, and more or less catching up a little with some of them.

Well all that changed this morning. Henry mentioned awhile ago that ever since his parents both retired, their marriage had improved a lot, and things were looking a lot better. Well I was never very hopeful of that happening for my parents, but at least I hoped that things won't really be as bad as when they both had a lot to stress over at work.

So this morning in the car when they started bickering over which side of their relatives to invite for my sis's wedding, I really was just so tired of it all that I had half a mind to get out of the car and just walk. I mean, this really takes the cake man. My dad sometimes seems to be entering his senile dotage already. Nit-picking over the fact that two of his relatives' children weren't invited while on my mothers' side they were, he decided to just declare he's washing himself of all affairs of the wedding, and not decide anything else from now on. And thus "Home Wars" runs into its 32,156,789th episode, way beating "Days Of Our Lives" as the longest running soap opera.

*BIG SIGH*

You know, when you've been married to someone for more than 30 year already, and you can still find it in you to nit-pick over something as trivial as that, and make it a "my side of things versus your side", its really a sad mockery of the marriage I had envisioned and perhaps idealized. Something in me at least tonight belives that perhaps I'm better off staying single.

The overwhelming voice in me that keeps telling me I'll never be worthy of the girl I worship and that she probably doesn't see me as being worth it, is also the same voice that therefore reasons with me that I'll have to end up settling for someone less. And if I ever do that, I guess I'll just be re-visiting the sins of my parents.

Sucks, doesn't it? I lay most of the blame for the state of my parents' marriage on my dad. Scary thing is, I see so much of him in myself that a part of me thinks I shd never ever inflict myself on anyone. Bad enough that I'll have to live with myself. Why bring some poor girl down with me?

Grins.

Sigh.

The whole week I've been feeling very low-energy and rather depressed. Yes, again. And again. And again. Hearing of New Orleans really doesn't do much to make me brighten up and believe that a new day might bring something good back into my life, and into the world. I've tried my share of perky thoughts, perky songs, and spedning time with people. And I guess once the effects of them wear out, or I'm alone again, the tiredness just sets in even deeper than before. Just a few days ago on the bus, I find myself suddenly stuck with the thought that I'm now ready to die. That very calm and collected feeling, that I'm not seeking death, but feel like I'm tired enough, and am ready to call an end to this life and this world.

Its very scary on hindsight, since I've always in a way struggled with death, and the many regrets at the many things I always wanted to achieve. More time spent with some friends, things I always wanted to do, learn or try that I still haven't, or that classic romance love-of-a-lifetime that I'm eternally searching for... So many things I always knew would float to my mind were I to suddenly find myself in a plane that is going down. Yet that day on the bus back home, I had none of the impulse to regret, but just the readiness and even longing to call an end to my time here on earth.

And its doubly ironic in that this has been a week where three guys have separately decided to pour their hearts out to me, and I had the unenviable task of getting them to believe that things will be better in a while. On hindsight I wondered how much of a hypocrite was I being, and how much were the words I said to them actually things I needed to tell myself.

Ah well. Its 3:30am, my thoughts are getting more and more jumbled. Think I shd stop this now.

Sleepless In Singapore

Yes, another sleepless night for me.

My dreams of late have been pretty tense. Apart from that dream-which-would-get-me-scolded-by-someone-if-I-put-it-down-here, I also dreamt that I was stranded in France, frantically trying to get to somewhere to meet a deadline, but couldn't communicate to anyone what I was trying to do... I always wake up from my dreams even more tired than when I start out. And recently, I find that I can't really fall back to sleep again after I wake up. I'm too tense.

Sigh.

Watched The Perfect Catch. I think its been one of Drew Barrymore's better romantic comedies. At least, much better than 50 First Dates. Ironic, since in this movie she was absolutely trumped by the male lead, who did a fantastic job of playing out his character. The show was funny. Real funny. I guess Hollywood's moving from those saccharine-sweet romantic comedies where everything is just too perfect, to those with a slightly greater dose of reality, where there really isn't a Mister Right for a Miss Right, but basically showing how its all about accommodating each other, and therein lies the perfect relationship.

Ah well. Enough abt that.

Been trying lately to ask myself how have I grown spiritually over the past 9 months. The year's gonna be over before I know it, and it seems that lots of stuff have happened. In church, in cell, in the Levites Ministry... but in the midst of the hustle and bustle, I was just wondering how much have I grown in the Lord. Not in my understanding of the Bible, not in my service to Him, nor in service to one another, but just plainly how much I've grown in my relationship with God.

It seems that more often than not God remains elusive. I guess on a very generic level I can say "I feel closer to God than 3 yrs ago". Ask me what I base it on, and I could probably name a few reasons (I'm serving more, reading the bible more, I've finally moved on in my life...) but none of the reasons would suffice to be a legitimate means of causing me to draw closer to God. I just somehow seem to be better able to understand His heart, His purpose for my life, or what I think He intended by the things He put down in His Word.

Or at least, I think I know it better now.

And I think for me, that's a big thing. Not so much being anal abt my grasp of the scriptures, or being able to know at the tip of my tongue all the chapters and verses of the Bible, but more my ability to be able to bring the pathos of His Word into my everyday life. What some might call "obeying the spirit of the law, not the letter of the law". All my previous trainings have created in me the instinct to be dilligent in my scripture knowledge. To know very well the exactly source of the exact verses. And I still believe that's vital... in the long run. But if there's one thing I could change abt my own spiritual life during the formative years, I would not have emphasized so much on "scriptural academia". I feel that would be putting the cart before the horse.

Cos for all my grasp of the Word, it remained something firmly lodged in my head, something to be trumped out to tell someone. Very seldom did it ever become something to tell myself. I guess I'd liken it to how I've so often been put to shame by some christians with such a shallow grasp of theology or scripture, but who seem to live out a life that's ten times more congruent with MY grasp of theology, than my own life has.

And mebbe that's the lesson I've learnt the most this year... That the reason we all it "quiet time" is so that we remind ourselves very poignantly that its between me and God, and only between me and God. That I need to first and foremost direct my thoughts or insights abt His teachings into my own life, instead of the instinct to store it away somewhere, to be used in exposition or conversation in the future.

Dug out another old song, that used to be one of my favorites. "If I Stand", by Jars Of Clay. One of those songs that took my breath away the first time I heard it.

Now, if only I could dream of songs like this in my sleep, I might actually finally get some much-needed rest.