Christmas is round the corner. The lights in Orchard Road are up. X"mas songs are playing all over department stores, and the X'mas sales are beginning. With students wrapping up their exams by this week or so, and with the company bash coming up this friday, it seems like everyone is ready to start winding down to the year, and enjoy the festive season.
Yet it is always the season that makes me rather pensive, and more than just a little depressive, I suppose. Maybe its because the whole year has tired me out. Maybe I'm naturally more withdrawn in the seasons where people have more time for each other. Maybe its because there's no one to spend X'mas with. Maybe I'm just plain boring. Hehz....
Whatever the case... yeah...
Time for a sad song once again...
I've been the king, I've been the clown. Now broken wings can't hold me down. I'm free again. The jester with the broken crown, it won't be me this time around to love in vain.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Where's My Next Song Coming From?
The past three days, a line from this show some of us watched on sunday has been haunting me. The show, Touched by An Angel, was recounting a story of a terminally ill kid, very sickly yet very brave. Along comes junior angel, discussing the kid's condition with senior angel. And senior angel said "The kid's very sick. His dreams are all broken, so that the Lord could give him wisdom."
And somehow that line has just stuck in my mind. Larry Crabb says God shatters our dreams that we might be recipients of the dreams that are well and truly God's, instead of our own. Gene Edwards says our dreams are broken and we live through pain that we might learn the kind of humility befitting a Servant King. And now senior angel says that we experienced broken dreams that we might gain wisdom.
Gene Edwards says in another book of his, The Inward Journey, where he talks abt the passage in Hebrews that says Christ was perfected in His suffering. And he goes on to say that Christ had to learn abt suffering in his time on earth, something he had to experience. And so he made a statement to the effect of how there are lessons to be learnt through the process of pain and broken dreams.
Yet I feel the crux of the issue lies in the perseverance through such pain. The one who is unwilling to go through it will emerge bitter and hollow, having picked up nothing from his trip into the valleys. It is only the willing traveller through the valley of death that will emerge all the wiser, and all the more glad. Only willingness will allow the Lord to turn mourning into dancing. Anything else is meaningless pain that we struggle to get out of, albeit in vain. Maybe that explains why so many Christians have great difficulty in trusting God to lead them through pain, and turn away. Because they weren't willing to enter into the pain at all in the first place. The demands that God seems to place on us to trust and obey, even when every fibre within our being is crying out for release, to cut loose and run away from our burdens... it seems almost too cruel to have come from a God who claims to love us.
The past 2 years of blogging has shown me that I'm only 2 yrs into what seems to be my own 40 yrs in the dessert. I keep circling around back to the same issues, dealing with my past failures and my longing to recapture my shattered dreams. Two songs that I treasure has served as sort of like the two pillars that kept my life from crashing everytime I felt the urge to just break away from God and indulge in my desires, to find some release for my heavy and tired heart. The first is a classic oldie, Trust His Heart. I remember the first time I heard it, and how the tears just wouldn't stop flowing at every word of the chorus. It was exactly the words I needed to hear back then.
"So when you don't understand, when you can't see His plan, when you can't trace His hand... Trust His Heart."
Not His promises in the Bible, because it just sounds so hollow. Not anything people can tell me about Him, because it seems that He's never failed anyone except me. Instead, trust His heart. Something intangible, yet the only thing that I can grasp at when it seems that there's no other way to make sense of what I was going through.
The other song is the one I posted up. If You Want me To, by Ginny Owens. I guess after my initial brush with failure and disappointment, and have learnt to handle it, I managed to make sense of it by telling myself it was moulding my character, and shaping my spirituality. I managed to convince myself that there was value in it, and thus not an exercise in futility. All my failures, all my demons, all my loneliness was there because God wants to use these trials in my life to shape me into the man that He wants me to be. Yet after 2 yrs, I look back and I don't think my trials have taught me much. I'm still as bitter, still as lonely, still as weak, still as insecure... and I still feel as far from God as I was for the longest time now...
That was when the song really struck something in me. I learnt not to start looking for agendas in the things I go through, to make excuses for God, that all those things I went through have been turned by God into something that worked for my good. I've learnt to acknowledge that my life is far from ideal. In fact, it is the pits. And realistically, it doesn't look like its going to get better. This world isn't geting any brighter. Its getting darker. And the scars I bear will probably never disappear magically, but will be what I carry with me till the day I die. I guess what the song has taught me is that despite all this... I will go through it - as long as it is what He wants me to. Simple as that.
And when this thought first hit me, it was pretty liberating. It made me understand how there were so many who could so graciously bear up under the most gross of injustices, and with so little in their life to cause envy. I guess it was a lot easier to bear with the pain when I no longer had to look for rhyme and reason of why I go through what I go through. So I no longer need to wonder why I go through each day with a heavy heart, or why my days seem to be characterized more by defeat and surrender rather than victory. I just need to trust His heart, then live through everything that comes my way, as long as it is what He wants me to do.
And a timely reminder it was tonight. I seem to have entered into another cycle of restlessness and melancholia. Christmas is round the corner. I remember posting a while back about how I can't wait for Christmas to be here, that I might have something to stir up hope within me. The last two weeks I felt I was running out of time. That its getting harder and harder to care for people. To reach out to those around me. To look out for them, and to keep up with them. Increasingly I found the temptation to shut myself in to be stronger and stronger. To just about anyone else, I would have seemed to be doing well. I'm getting better and better at hiding the melancholia and depression that is eating away at me inside.
Tonight as I sat down to think a little, I guess these two songs provided some form of comfort to me. It reminded me of a time when what I went through wasn't meaningless, because my meaning was found not my my self-fulfillment, but in fulfilling what He wants and desires.
And I'm left with a longing for yet another song to come my way, to serve as yet another pillar in my life, to keep it from crashing down around me. I once had such a song for 4 yrs, but that one has come and gone for good.
I'm still waiting, and I guess I'll keep on waiting... if He wants me to.
And somehow that line has just stuck in my mind. Larry Crabb says God shatters our dreams that we might be recipients of the dreams that are well and truly God's, instead of our own. Gene Edwards says our dreams are broken and we live through pain that we might learn the kind of humility befitting a Servant King. And now senior angel says that we experienced broken dreams that we might gain wisdom.
Gene Edwards says in another book of his, The Inward Journey, where he talks abt the passage in Hebrews that says Christ was perfected in His suffering. And he goes on to say that Christ had to learn abt suffering in his time on earth, something he had to experience. And so he made a statement to the effect of how there are lessons to be learnt through the process of pain and broken dreams.
Yet I feel the crux of the issue lies in the perseverance through such pain. The one who is unwilling to go through it will emerge bitter and hollow, having picked up nothing from his trip into the valleys. It is only the willing traveller through the valley of death that will emerge all the wiser, and all the more glad. Only willingness will allow the Lord to turn mourning into dancing. Anything else is meaningless pain that we struggle to get out of, albeit in vain. Maybe that explains why so many Christians have great difficulty in trusting God to lead them through pain, and turn away. Because they weren't willing to enter into the pain at all in the first place. The demands that God seems to place on us to trust and obey, even when every fibre within our being is crying out for release, to cut loose and run away from our burdens... it seems almost too cruel to have come from a God who claims to love us.
The past 2 years of blogging has shown me that I'm only 2 yrs into what seems to be my own 40 yrs in the dessert. I keep circling around back to the same issues, dealing with my past failures and my longing to recapture my shattered dreams. Two songs that I treasure has served as sort of like the two pillars that kept my life from crashing everytime I felt the urge to just break away from God and indulge in my desires, to find some release for my heavy and tired heart. The first is a classic oldie, Trust His Heart. I remember the first time I heard it, and how the tears just wouldn't stop flowing at every word of the chorus. It was exactly the words I needed to hear back then.
"So when you don't understand, when you can't see His plan, when you can't trace His hand... Trust His Heart."
Not His promises in the Bible, because it just sounds so hollow. Not anything people can tell me about Him, because it seems that He's never failed anyone except me. Instead, trust His heart. Something intangible, yet the only thing that I can grasp at when it seems that there's no other way to make sense of what I was going through.
The other song is the one I posted up. If You Want me To, by Ginny Owens. I guess after my initial brush with failure and disappointment, and have learnt to handle it, I managed to make sense of it by telling myself it was moulding my character, and shaping my spirituality. I managed to convince myself that there was value in it, and thus not an exercise in futility. All my failures, all my demons, all my loneliness was there because God wants to use these trials in my life to shape me into the man that He wants me to be. Yet after 2 yrs, I look back and I don't think my trials have taught me much. I'm still as bitter, still as lonely, still as weak, still as insecure... and I still feel as far from God as I was for the longest time now...
That was when the song really struck something in me. I learnt not to start looking for agendas in the things I go through, to make excuses for God, that all those things I went through have been turned by God into something that worked for my good. I've learnt to acknowledge that my life is far from ideal. In fact, it is the pits. And realistically, it doesn't look like its going to get better. This world isn't geting any brighter. Its getting darker. And the scars I bear will probably never disappear magically, but will be what I carry with me till the day I die. I guess what the song has taught me is that despite all this... I will go through it - as long as it is what He wants me to. Simple as that.
And when this thought first hit me, it was pretty liberating. It made me understand how there were so many who could so graciously bear up under the most gross of injustices, and with so little in their life to cause envy. I guess it was a lot easier to bear with the pain when I no longer had to look for rhyme and reason of why I go through what I go through. So I no longer need to wonder why I go through each day with a heavy heart, or why my days seem to be characterized more by defeat and surrender rather than victory. I just need to trust His heart, then live through everything that comes my way, as long as it is what He wants me to do.
And a timely reminder it was tonight. I seem to have entered into another cycle of restlessness and melancholia. Christmas is round the corner. I remember posting a while back about how I can't wait for Christmas to be here, that I might have something to stir up hope within me. The last two weeks I felt I was running out of time. That its getting harder and harder to care for people. To reach out to those around me. To look out for them, and to keep up with them. Increasingly I found the temptation to shut myself in to be stronger and stronger. To just about anyone else, I would have seemed to be doing well. I'm getting better and better at hiding the melancholia and depression that is eating away at me inside.
Tonight as I sat down to think a little, I guess these two songs provided some form of comfort to me. It reminded me of a time when what I went through wasn't meaningless, because my meaning was found not my my self-fulfillment, but in fulfilling what He wants and desires.
And I'm left with a longing for yet another song to come my way, to serve as yet another pillar in my life, to keep it from crashing down around me. I once had such a song for 4 yrs, but that one has come and gone for good.
I'm still waiting, and I guess I'll keep on waiting... if He wants me to.
Monday, November 21, 2005
Its Monday AGAIN...
2nd post in 2 days... those guys who complained that I dun write as much anymore are gonna regret they ever said so.
Hehz...
Anyway, I really liked today's message at chapel. I wasn't really myself when leading worship. I dunno why. Mebbe its cos I really didn't have the time to prepare... It was the first time I prepared a worship without knowing what the verse was going to be. I just had a sketchy grasp of the content of the sermon. So I told God I was really gonna throw the worship into His lap, and that He was going to have to lookout for me. So for once I kept my eyes closed for most of the time, instead of trying so hard to pay attention to everything around me... and I for once I decided to just really let myself worship, and let God be the one leading it. And maybe somehow in the midst of that, God prepared my heart for the message that followed.
Zhang Mu Shi spoke about love, and how the essence of love is one that is a response to the love we have received. And I guess it was always a topic that weighs heavily on my mind. All my brushes with authoritarian figures in church and Crusade have always left me wondering how can someone who on the surface seem to be doing what is biblically right - inflict more pain, and do more damage, than sitting by and apparently "letting the sinner get away with his sin"? Why is it that these people who seem to be on such an intimate walk with God be so blatantly guilty of trampling on people's dignity and the worth that God has placed on every person, and still feel so self-righteous about how they have been doing the will of God? Isn't it an act as blind as those who proclaim the grace of God right alongside the prosperity gospel?
So how does a spiritual dictator measure up against a spiritual shepherd?
I think of the one person above all who stands out in Campus Crusade - Anthony, and if I were to write down the first 5 words to come to mind, its would be Godly, Meek, Humble, Kind, Gentle. Anthony's no push-over. Those who know him better can tell you that. Yet unlike quite a few other staff members who always had the tendency to assert biblical authority to keep things under control, I always had the deepest respect for Anthony, for how he showed me what its like for a man to be able to trust God to be in control. I was never under any pressure from him to live up to any standards set. He was the first discipler I had who showed me what an unconditional acceptance was like.
Without meaning to let it serve as a finger-pointing session, I've also worked with some others who loved God so much that they forgot to love man. Their actions were always couched in biblical origins, with some very very good rationales for what they did. Yet the end result more often than not is that their acts of "living righteous lives that serves and pleases God", is that people leave the ministry. I've seen many who left Crusade, after having been stung by some very harsh words spoken with a lot of spiritual knowledge, yet devoid of any spiritual wisdom and love. And I've seen a lot of that in church as well. Of course, I don't put the blame solely on those people in places of authority. Leadership is a tough role, and there are many who leave a place where they dun get the affirmation they crave, to search for some place else that would feed their ego.
I guess it was always a tough call to make. But there were so many things that were said today in the sermon that touched a chord in me. About the need to identify and put oneself into others' shoes... the need to love because we ourselves have been the recipients - and God has promised that anything we invested in love will always reap a plentiful harvest... the need to step out of my myopia, and embrace a larger world than the one that I have marked out for my own comfort.
And everyday I am challenged to do that. From friends around me that disappoint, where I have to learn to see things from their point of view and so be more understanding than condemning... to colleagues that spook me out with some really weird inclinations, where I have to learn to always keep in mind that they too have a dignity and humanity that God has ascribed to them, which I have learn to respect... to even all those times where my efforts to reach out to a brother or sister continues to hit a brick wall after so many years, and I feel like giving up...
Just two weeks ago I was speaking to Stefan, Simon's friend from Germany. we were talking abt Europe, and how even tho 90% are professing Christians or Catholics, less than 10% go to church. In Asia, almost 70% of professing believers attend church, even tho the percentage of believers are a lot less. So while we look at them and wonder what sort of hypocritical faith they havem they too have issues with our faith. To them, they find it meaningless when they see so many who attend church, who walks out and continues to behave as though God only loves those who merit His love... more eager to trample on others' humanity to embrace God's divinity. Yet to us, we wonder what sort of blind belief could it be, that allows a person to claim to be a believer, yet be so all-inclusive of the things they believe in, until they might as well not have believed in anything at all.
And in my conversation with him, the one word we all agreed upon, which had repeatedly come up in our interractions, was the word "acceptance". And perhaps such really is the most important ingredient of love. If love truly covers all, then it would be more interested to build up people and bridge people, instead of tearing them down and dividing them. It does not mean a blatant indifference nor an absolute ignorance on what is right and wrong... but it means a willingness to overlook it on behalf of Christ, for the purpose of His family and His house.
I guess I'll have plenty of opportunities to learn these lessons in the weeks ahead. All these years have taught me that God's irony and timing is impeccable. The minute I claim to have learnt a lesson, He requires me to prove it.
Hehz... Ah well.
I guess that's also part of learning.
Can't believe its back to work again.
SIGH.
Hehz...
Anyway, I really liked today's message at chapel. I wasn't really myself when leading worship. I dunno why. Mebbe its cos I really didn't have the time to prepare... It was the first time I prepared a worship without knowing what the verse was going to be. I just had a sketchy grasp of the content of the sermon. So I told God I was really gonna throw the worship into His lap, and that He was going to have to lookout for me. So for once I kept my eyes closed for most of the time, instead of trying so hard to pay attention to everything around me... and I for once I decided to just really let myself worship, and let God be the one leading it. And maybe somehow in the midst of that, God prepared my heart for the message that followed.
Zhang Mu Shi spoke about love, and how the essence of love is one that is a response to the love we have received. And I guess it was always a topic that weighs heavily on my mind. All my brushes with authoritarian figures in church and Crusade have always left me wondering how can someone who on the surface seem to be doing what is biblically right - inflict more pain, and do more damage, than sitting by and apparently "letting the sinner get away with his sin"? Why is it that these people who seem to be on such an intimate walk with God be so blatantly guilty of trampling on people's dignity and the worth that God has placed on every person, and still feel so self-righteous about how they have been doing the will of God? Isn't it an act as blind as those who proclaim the grace of God right alongside the prosperity gospel?
So how does a spiritual dictator measure up against a spiritual shepherd?
I think of the one person above all who stands out in Campus Crusade - Anthony, and if I were to write down the first 5 words to come to mind, its would be Godly, Meek, Humble, Kind, Gentle. Anthony's no push-over. Those who know him better can tell you that. Yet unlike quite a few other staff members who always had the tendency to assert biblical authority to keep things under control, I always had the deepest respect for Anthony, for how he showed me what its like for a man to be able to trust God to be in control. I was never under any pressure from him to live up to any standards set. He was the first discipler I had who showed me what an unconditional acceptance was like.
Without meaning to let it serve as a finger-pointing session, I've also worked with some others who loved God so much that they forgot to love man. Their actions were always couched in biblical origins, with some very very good rationales for what they did. Yet the end result more often than not is that their acts of "living righteous lives that serves and pleases God", is that people leave the ministry. I've seen many who left Crusade, after having been stung by some very harsh words spoken with a lot of spiritual knowledge, yet devoid of any spiritual wisdom and love. And I've seen a lot of that in church as well. Of course, I don't put the blame solely on those people in places of authority. Leadership is a tough role, and there are many who leave a place where they dun get the affirmation they crave, to search for some place else that would feed their ego.
I guess it was always a tough call to make. But there were so many things that were said today in the sermon that touched a chord in me. About the need to identify and put oneself into others' shoes... the need to love because we ourselves have been the recipients - and God has promised that anything we invested in love will always reap a plentiful harvest... the need to step out of my myopia, and embrace a larger world than the one that I have marked out for my own comfort.
And everyday I am challenged to do that. From friends around me that disappoint, where I have to learn to see things from their point of view and so be more understanding than condemning... to colleagues that spook me out with some really weird inclinations, where I have to learn to always keep in mind that they too have a dignity and humanity that God has ascribed to them, which I have learn to respect... to even all those times where my efforts to reach out to a brother or sister continues to hit a brick wall after so many years, and I feel like giving up...
Just two weeks ago I was speaking to Stefan, Simon's friend from Germany. we were talking abt Europe, and how even tho 90% are professing Christians or Catholics, less than 10% go to church. In Asia, almost 70% of professing believers attend church, even tho the percentage of believers are a lot less. So while we look at them and wonder what sort of hypocritical faith they havem they too have issues with our faith. To them, they find it meaningless when they see so many who attend church, who walks out and continues to behave as though God only loves those who merit His love... more eager to trample on others' humanity to embrace God's divinity. Yet to us, we wonder what sort of blind belief could it be, that allows a person to claim to be a believer, yet be so all-inclusive of the things they believe in, until they might as well not have believed in anything at all.
And in my conversation with him, the one word we all agreed upon, which had repeatedly come up in our interractions, was the word "acceptance". And perhaps such really is the most important ingredient of love. If love truly covers all, then it would be more interested to build up people and bridge people, instead of tearing them down and dividing them. It does not mean a blatant indifference nor an absolute ignorance on what is right and wrong... but it means a willingness to overlook it on behalf of Christ, for the purpose of His family and His house.
I guess I'll have plenty of opportunities to learn these lessons in the weeks ahead. All these years have taught me that God's irony and timing is impeccable. The minute I claim to have learnt a lesson, He requires me to prove it.
Hehz... Ah well.
I guess that's also part of learning.
Can't believe its back to work again.
SIGH.
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Once In A Blue Moon, I DO Write
People have been asking why I don't write as much anymore.
I don't know. Maybe its because I'm tired of always writing about the same old thing. Maybe its because I'm too tired out by work and studies. Maybe I've just been too busy. Or maybe I'm just trying to not let the melancholia get the better of me.
Today I attended Aaron's wedding. And even as there is part of me who is really happy for him that he's finally settled down with a good girl, I've had more than a few questions over Aaron's choice. There are some guys out there who "just need to have someone in my life". And so these guys would rather settle for a life with someone that has managed to cross the minimum standard, and who has said yes. And I used to think Aaron's like that. I'm not so sure now, but the question is still somewhat nagging at the back of my head.
Lately, there have bene a couple of guys who came up to me, telling me how much they miss their ex boyfriend/girlfriend. And they really do. One started crying when she dug up some old stuff that represented the remnants of a broken promise to spend the rest of their lives together, while another is unable to muster up any sense of joy in the light of his longings for what he's always wanted so badly, but which seems destined to be denied him.
And not too long ago I've been asked what I would feel if Grace were to get attached again. Honestly, I really don't have a clue. All I know is that even till this day, there have been moments when I catch myself still letting thoughts stray to her. No longer the angry thoughts of the betrayal that hurt so much, no longer the longing to regain back the sweet moments we once shared... but perhaps just the nostalgia of what it was like to have someone share your life with you. Of those times when there was at least one person out there who would know you like no one else ever did. The one person over others where you had no need to maintain a facade, simply because she's spent so much time with you that any pretence would have been unbearably tiring. And so there is a nostalgic kind of longing, that is tinged with the regret that it is impossible to go back again. And since looking forward is too tiring, and too uncertain, I guess that explains why I let my thoughts remain in the past...
Why is it so hard for me to move on in a relationship, when for others it is so easy? More than two years on, I still find it hard to convince myself I'll be able to love the girl as much as I loved Grace. Not to mention the scars of that r/s still leaves me with a deep sense of insecurity that she won't do to me what Grace did. Maybe that's why I'm still waiting for the girl to make the first move, so that it gives me a measure of security that she really wants to be in such a r/s. I'm done with being a tryout for someone else.
Not too long ago, I told myself I'll spend my bus trips back hom praying to God... and make it a discipline. I used to love praying... I used to feel so close to God when I prayed. Yet now, I feel like Susan in Chronicles of Narnia, who grew up and out-grew the wonder of it all. For a couple of weeks, I really did pray. Then this week I started to find that everytime I prayed, my thoughts would wander to three things - My studies, work at Reuters, and a r/s. My longing to make right both my studies and r/s this time round, and also always at the back of my head the question of whether or not I'll still be a Reuters next year. And no matter how hard I try to pray, it always comes back to these three things.
Yet the funny thing is, I really don't know what I want in all these three things. My choice of studies is increasingly looking like a bad idea. I'm thinking of switching course for my second year onwards, from a degree in general management, to business management. I dunno if extending my contract is a good idea, since I DO need to make time to study. I dunno if I'm ready to enter into another r/s. Of course, the irony is that from the moment I'm ready to enter one, it might still be another ten yrs before someone right comes along.
SIGH.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this isn't a crazy world.
Maybe its just me.
Hehz...
Of course, not to be so locked up in my little world, its also time to finally put down on this blog, my hearty congratulations to a very dear friend for having finally taken a plunge to step into a r/s. I guess by now she shd have told all those around her who read my blog, so its safe to put it down now.
As much as I'm happy for her, I'm running out of 'scapegoats' whom I can divert attention to the next time someone asks me abt dating. That's gonna be something sorrying.
Hehz...
I don't know. Maybe its because I'm tired of always writing about the same old thing. Maybe its because I'm too tired out by work and studies. Maybe I've just been too busy. Or maybe I'm just trying to not let the melancholia get the better of me.
Today I attended Aaron's wedding. And even as there is part of me who is really happy for him that he's finally settled down with a good girl, I've had more than a few questions over Aaron's choice. There are some guys out there who "just need to have someone in my life". And so these guys would rather settle for a life with someone that has managed to cross the minimum standard, and who has said yes. And I used to think Aaron's like that. I'm not so sure now, but the question is still somewhat nagging at the back of my head.
Lately, there have bene a couple of guys who came up to me, telling me how much they miss their ex boyfriend/girlfriend. And they really do. One started crying when she dug up some old stuff that represented the remnants of a broken promise to spend the rest of their lives together, while another is unable to muster up any sense of joy in the light of his longings for what he's always wanted so badly, but which seems destined to be denied him.
And not too long ago I've been asked what I would feel if Grace were to get attached again. Honestly, I really don't have a clue. All I know is that even till this day, there have been moments when I catch myself still letting thoughts stray to her. No longer the angry thoughts of the betrayal that hurt so much, no longer the longing to regain back the sweet moments we once shared... but perhaps just the nostalgia of what it was like to have someone share your life with you. Of those times when there was at least one person out there who would know you like no one else ever did. The one person over others where you had no need to maintain a facade, simply because she's spent so much time with you that any pretence would have been unbearably tiring. And so there is a nostalgic kind of longing, that is tinged with the regret that it is impossible to go back again. And since looking forward is too tiring, and too uncertain, I guess that explains why I let my thoughts remain in the past...
Why is it so hard for me to move on in a relationship, when for others it is so easy? More than two years on, I still find it hard to convince myself I'll be able to love the girl as much as I loved Grace. Not to mention the scars of that r/s still leaves me with a deep sense of insecurity that she won't do to me what Grace did. Maybe that's why I'm still waiting for the girl to make the first move, so that it gives me a measure of security that she really wants to be in such a r/s. I'm done with being a tryout for someone else.
Not too long ago, I told myself I'll spend my bus trips back hom praying to God... and make it a discipline. I used to love praying... I used to feel so close to God when I prayed. Yet now, I feel like Susan in Chronicles of Narnia, who grew up and out-grew the wonder of it all. For a couple of weeks, I really did pray. Then this week I started to find that everytime I prayed, my thoughts would wander to three things - My studies, work at Reuters, and a r/s. My longing to make right both my studies and r/s this time round, and also always at the back of my head the question of whether or not I'll still be a Reuters next year. And no matter how hard I try to pray, it always comes back to these three things.
Yet the funny thing is, I really don't know what I want in all these three things. My choice of studies is increasingly looking like a bad idea. I'm thinking of switching course for my second year onwards, from a degree in general management, to business management. I dunno if extending my contract is a good idea, since I DO need to make time to study. I dunno if I'm ready to enter into another r/s. Of course, the irony is that from the moment I'm ready to enter one, it might still be another ten yrs before someone right comes along.
SIGH.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this isn't a crazy world.
Maybe its just me.
Hehz...
Of course, not to be so locked up in my little world, its also time to finally put down on this blog, my hearty congratulations to a very dear friend for having finally taken a plunge to step into a r/s. I guess by now she shd have told all those around her who read my blog, so its safe to put it down now.
As much as I'm happy for her, I'm running out of 'scapegoats' whom I can divert attention to the next time someone asks me abt dating. That's gonna be something sorrying.
Hehz...
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Worship Leader Insecurities at 2am
As I sit here at 2 in the morning, having finally finished preparing for worship practice later, I realise that my choice of songs is inevitably influenced by my present mood…. When I’m in a state of confusion, or when I’m feeling rather lost, my choice of songs reflect a really poor flow of theme and music. Disorganized and all jumbled up, I very quickly forget my purpose for putting it there in the first place. Making up reasons becomes the instinctive next step, giving little thought to the flow as a whole. The process repeats itself at the next song, and the whole worship becomes a shamble.
Tonight wasn’t one of those nights. But as I sat and thought about it, I realize that my rather pensive mood did show itself through my choice of songs. These past few days have been hectic and stretching, yet somehow I don’t find myself feeling particularly overwhelmed by tiredness, or emotionally drained by the things ahead of and around me. Thus I’ve stopped picking songs about tiredness, and finding rest in God. I remember times in the past where every week that I led was very much held together by the over-arching theme of finding rest in God…
And I guess even though it should have been common sense, it did strike me in a way, just how much of worship is still led by my self, instead of something supernaturally put together by the hand of God. And yet somehow if my heart was right before God, then no matter how scatter-brained I was, no matter how much my preparations were affected by my state of mind, then God could use the preparations to make a difference at the service, and turn something worthless into something priceless.
I guess I needed to know that now, because my worship prep still feels really sketchy and ill-prepared. My thoughts kept wandering back to some things that have been bothering me for some time now… and so even though by and large the preparations are done, I keep having the nagging doubt that its gonna turn out right. Worse part is, I can’t decide if the feeling stems from a genuine lack of proper preparations, or due to my current state of mind.
Aaarrrrgggh. Nevertheless, I shall put it aside and strive to catch some shut-eye, and take comfort in what I’ve just learnt.
Tonight wasn’t one of those nights. But as I sat and thought about it, I realize that my rather pensive mood did show itself through my choice of songs. These past few days have been hectic and stretching, yet somehow I don’t find myself feeling particularly overwhelmed by tiredness, or emotionally drained by the things ahead of and around me. Thus I’ve stopped picking songs about tiredness, and finding rest in God. I remember times in the past where every week that I led was very much held together by the over-arching theme of finding rest in God…
And I guess even though it should have been common sense, it did strike me in a way, just how much of worship is still led by my self, instead of something supernaturally put together by the hand of God. And yet somehow if my heart was right before God, then no matter how scatter-brained I was, no matter how much my preparations were affected by my state of mind, then God could use the preparations to make a difference at the service, and turn something worthless into something priceless.
I guess I needed to know that now, because my worship prep still feels really sketchy and ill-prepared. My thoughts kept wandering back to some things that have been bothering me for some time now… and so even though by and large the preparations are done, I keep having the nagging doubt that its gonna turn out right. Worse part is, I can’t decide if the feeling stems from a genuine lack of proper preparations, or due to my current state of mind.
Aaarrrrgggh. Nevertheless, I shall put it aside and strive to catch some shut-eye, and take comfort in what I’ve just learnt.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Safe In A Crazy World
Its funny how clichéd it sounds when I speak again of how God seems to keep me safe in this crazy world. Yes, not sane in a crazy world, but safe in a world that seems to have driven itself mad. I was just musing to myself that this whole world seems to be moving on so fast that I can’t catch up. Everyone’s all moving on with their lives, getting married and getting their careers slowly settled in order… they’re all slowly entering the adult phase of their lives, saving up as they work. And the fear inevitably arises, that I’ll be forgotten in the wake of the distance that has come between me and the world, and all those whom I hold dear to my heart.
I always fancied myself as a man with a small heart. One with little faith in others, and even less in myself. And along with that comes the inevitable barrage of questions that I ask in the silences of my mind, about how important those around me are to me, and how important I will be to them. How do I actually view them in all those times when they aren’t aware of my take on them, and how they likewise view me apart from the times they let me know. Then I after answering those questions myself, I question if I was right in my judgment, and if I was being either incredibly naive or unbelievably cynical. And each time I find myself in a position to love someone and be genuine, these questions surfaces to haunt me, and stop me from opening up more than I really should. And since these questions don’t really ever come to an end, my subtle paranoia never ceases. In short, as I question others, and question myself for questioning others, I lock myself into this senselessly mind-numbing experience that paralyses me from being able to function normally. I therefore spend almost equal amounts of time trying to give as much as I can to all those around me, as well as totally withdrawing from everyone back into my own shell.
Enter God, into the equation. I don’t become any more sane. I still question, I still worry, and I’m pretty sure I’m still as paranoid as ever. But somehow there’s a part of me that dares to every now and then venture to open up with reckless abandon, within that small window of grace, where I somehow feel the safety and security in something bigger than me, to reach outside of me and connect with someone. Somehow as the song goes, as long as there was someone out there who understood me, and embraced my fragilty, I could feel safe, and rest in the comfort of that knowledge.
So as Sarah Mclachlan sung, its time to stop weeping for the memories. I used to love the song for its second stanza, yet strangely revisiting this song tonight, the chorus jumps out at me, to learn to leave and let go of the past. And I really do cling an awful lot to the past. To all those whom I’ve once shared bits and pieces of my heart and my life with, who has now seemingly faded out of my life. Now when we meet up, it seems that all we do is reminisce, and don’t really make any effort to catch up anymore. I think back to the days of my fellowship and cell group, and the original gang that did so much together - and after a while, my social circle in church runs the risk of being made up of absent friends more than the ones present who really deserve more from me. In ministry I keep looking back to the times when the Lord was gracious in blessing the things we did, and the church seemed to be on fire for God - now that there remains the need for us to be faithful stewards who persevere at what we do, I catch myself living in the past, on the excuse of trying to draw strength from the times when God’s been good to us, forgetting that God is still as good to us as He was then. In love, I find myself questioning if any girl would ever love me like Grace did, and if things would ever work out. For two years, my search was for a replacement. Mebbe that’s why I never did find anyone - even now I'm still reminding myself whenever I feel the urge to start a r/s, that it must not be an exercise in seeking back that which I lost, but the discovery of something brand new.
Then of course, there are those people whom I’ve even given up trying to reminisce with, or bother to remember, despite us having once been so close. My JC class is slowly becoming like that. And even as I mourn the loss of some very dear friends whom I once held so very close to my heart, part of me is acknowledging that its time to move on. That even as there’s no need to cut off contact, there also needs to be the decision to recognize the end of a segment of my life. “Don’t let your life pass you by, weep not for the memories”
Lastly, there are those whom I feel I’ve gradually lost touch with, that I’ve always been reluctant to do so. Like some of those in Crusade, whom I valued very much. Yet graduation, work and ministry inevitably takes its toll on a friendship that has lost much of its context and reason for meeting up. The rest just depends on pure effort, which very easily gets brushed aside in the light of busy schedules and all.
And as life around me seems to be getting crazier everyday, and its harder and harder to make any sor of sense of all that goes on around me, I find myself going back again to one thing I realized about myself – the answer for me isn’t to have a solution to this world I live in, an answer for all the ironies and all the cruelties that this life extracts from me. Making sense of it won’t make any difference. Feeling safe in spite of it all would. And that’s what God has somehow done for me. Somehow, in these two weeks, one of the busiest that I’ve ever experienced, He's done that for me.
Somehow, He found the time to subtly let me know He’s around, so that even though I missed it when he told me, I felt His presence after that for the rest of the week.
P.S., Man Utd ended Chelsea's 40-match unbeaten streak last night with a 1-0 win at Old Trafford, posting for themselves their first win in 13 games. I guess not only did He make sure I felt His presence this week, but He made sure to let me know He's a Man Utd fan. Grins.
I always fancied myself as a man with a small heart. One with little faith in others, and even less in myself. And along with that comes the inevitable barrage of questions that I ask in the silences of my mind, about how important those around me are to me, and how important I will be to them. How do I actually view them in all those times when they aren’t aware of my take on them, and how they likewise view me apart from the times they let me know. Then I after answering those questions myself, I question if I was right in my judgment, and if I was being either incredibly naive or unbelievably cynical. And each time I find myself in a position to love someone and be genuine, these questions surfaces to haunt me, and stop me from opening up more than I really should. And since these questions don’t really ever come to an end, my subtle paranoia never ceases. In short, as I question others, and question myself for questioning others, I lock myself into this senselessly mind-numbing experience that paralyses me from being able to function normally. I therefore spend almost equal amounts of time trying to give as much as I can to all those around me, as well as totally withdrawing from everyone back into my own shell.
Enter God, into the equation. I don’t become any more sane. I still question, I still worry, and I’m pretty sure I’m still as paranoid as ever. But somehow there’s a part of me that dares to every now and then venture to open up with reckless abandon, within that small window of grace, where I somehow feel the safety and security in something bigger than me, to reach outside of me and connect with someone. Somehow as the song goes, as long as there was someone out there who understood me, and embraced my fragilty, I could feel safe, and rest in the comfort of that knowledge.
So as Sarah Mclachlan sung, its time to stop weeping for the memories. I used to love the song for its second stanza, yet strangely revisiting this song tonight, the chorus jumps out at me, to learn to leave and let go of the past. And I really do cling an awful lot to the past. To all those whom I’ve once shared bits and pieces of my heart and my life with, who has now seemingly faded out of my life. Now when we meet up, it seems that all we do is reminisce, and don’t really make any effort to catch up anymore. I think back to the days of my fellowship and cell group, and the original gang that did so much together - and after a while, my social circle in church runs the risk of being made up of absent friends more than the ones present who really deserve more from me. In ministry I keep looking back to the times when the Lord was gracious in blessing the things we did, and the church seemed to be on fire for God - now that there remains the need for us to be faithful stewards who persevere at what we do, I catch myself living in the past, on the excuse of trying to draw strength from the times when God’s been good to us, forgetting that God is still as good to us as He was then. In love, I find myself questioning if any girl would ever love me like Grace did, and if things would ever work out. For two years, my search was for a replacement. Mebbe that’s why I never did find anyone - even now I'm still reminding myself whenever I feel the urge to start a r/s, that it must not be an exercise in seeking back that which I lost, but the discovery of something brand new.
Then of course, there are those people whom I’ve even given up trying to reminisce with, or bother to remember, despite us having once been so close. My JC class is slowly becoming like that. And even as I mourn the loss of some very dear friends whom I once held so very close to my heart, part of me is acknowledging that its time to move on. That even as there’s no need to cut off contact, there also needs to be the decision to recognize the end of a segment of my life. “Don’t let your life pass you by, weep not for the memories”
Lastly, there are those whom I feel I’ve gradually lost touch with, that I’ve always been reluctant to do so. Like some of those in Crusade, whom I valued very much. Yet graduation, work and ministry inevitably takes its toll on a friendship that has lost much of its context and reason for meeting up. The rest just depends on pure effort, which very easily gets brushed aside in the light of busy schedules and all.
And as life around me seems to be getting crazier everyday, and its harder and harder to make any sor of sense of all that goes on around me, I find myself going back again to one thing I realized about myself – the answer for me isn’t to have a solution to this world I live in, an answer for all the ironies and all the cruelties that this life extracts from me. Making sense of it won’t make any difference. Feeling safe in spite of it all would. And that’s what God has somehow done for me. Somehow, in these two weeks, one of the busiest that I’ve ever experienced, He's done that for me.
Somehow, He found the time to subtly let me know He’s around, so that even though I missed it when he told me, I felt His presence after that for the rest of the week.
P.S., Man Utd ended Chelsea's 40-match unbeaten streak last night with a 1-0 win at Old Trafford, posting for themselves their first win in 13 games. I guess not only did He make sure I felt His presence this week, but He made sure to let me know He's a Man Utd fan. Grins.
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Dear Lord...
Lord, the past week has been nothing short of overwhelming. I was looking forward to this past week as a welcome rest after all the hassle of the wedding. Yet by wednesday I had found myself wishing I was back at one week before the wedding, so much less I had seemed to have on my plate.
I imagined having time to take stock of myself, and to just think of all that had happened, coming to terms with the reality of my sister's marriage to Joseph. I thought I'd be able to slowly ease myself back into the studying frame of mind. I had pictured myself doing so many things. Yet maybe they're right when they say that you love to make a man eat his words and swallow his plans. They say you love to watch a man struggle to keep his head above the water, delighting in the instance that he will finally see beyond himself and call out to you for help.
Lots of things they say about you, Lord. And many a times like this, I'm tempted to believe them. I was told just last night that I have a gift of opening pple up, that somehow I'm able to be a comfort to them in the midst of their pain and troubles. I was told before many times that I'm one of the happiest persons they know, always able to smile and put on a brave face no matter what had come my way. Some have even been kind enough to tell me that they think I'm pretty mature in my thoughts, while others pay me compliments of being nice, generous and patient just to name a few.
Yet if I were ever asked to say something about you that the pulpit does not usually say, I'd tell them you were the God of Ironies. How else do I explain why I know of people who somehow appreciate my company enough to confide in me, and tell me my presence and my words have helped, when there are so many times alone in my room when I feel so desperately lonely, finding it unbearable to be with myself?
How else do I explain why I’m never short of female companionship, yet always missing out on the best friend of my life?
Why else would there be so many who see me as cheerful and positive, when aside from my facades that I assume in the company of others, there've also been plenty of my melancholia I no longer hide, which people don't recognize as being part of who I really am?
How else do I explain how I can encourage most around me and sort out their problems for them, when my life remains such an unmitigated mess?
Lord, sometimes I feel like my life is nothing short of an unending chain of ironies. Maybe that explains my brand of humour, and my take on life – always tinged with a slight trace of cynicism. Yet beneath the surface of that bravado, I somehow still carry deep within me the optimism and hope that I’m wrong, that somehow you’ll still make sense for me, of all the crazy things that seem to happen around me.
This world somehow seems bent on telling you that this is a great place to be in, with the seemingly endless varieties and potential it promises, only to take each dream you’ve built up along the way, and shatter it into an unrecognizable state. And Lord, after a few such experiences, its so easy to give up on my dreams already. Go through the machinery of life and see it through to the end seems to become the motto. Follow through on the conveyor belt like everyone else, and try not to end up as a defective product. That seems to have become the new ideal, the new dream. And so many of us have learnt to couch it in more spiritual terms, assuming a pseudo-heart of thanksgiving and contentment. So much so that we don’t recognize the value of dreaming and reaching for the fullness of life you’ve promised.
On my worst days, I start thinking that I’m falling into that trap. Getting a little too engrossed in my work, I begin to value my rest time above the level of commitment I gave – not in terms of the time I put in, but in terms of the willingness to participate. And as I start berating myself for the blurring of my priorities, my internal debate begins again, justifying to myself my course of actions and at the same time refusing to believe its legitimacy. At the end of the day, I just end up being more and more disappointed in myself.
Maybe that’s why tonight and for the past few days, this song has persistently haunted me. Cos in the midst of all that goes on inside my head, of the demons I’ve made for myself in my life, there are always those brief moments of respite that you offer… a slight glimpse of yourself here and there, an inexplicable change in attitude out of the blue that chases the clouds away for that one day, that somehow keeps me sane and safe in this crazy world.
Maybe this is a little of how Job felt after you showed yourself, yet refused to answer a single one of his questions. Somehow just your very presence offered the comfort that made all words superfluous.
I’ll need more of that in the upcoming weeks, Lord. All the way till I celebrate your birth here in this crazy world you made, that we’ve messed up. Until then, this song serves as a prayer to you, for your elusive love that never fails to find me every time I stop searching and wait to be found. A prayer of thanksgiving, and of gratitude… for how you’ve always been so near even when I’m the one who has kept you so far… and I guess even for understanding me in the midst of my incoherent prayers to you…
It’s a new week again, Lord.
I imagined having time to take stock of myself, and to just think of all that had happened, coming to terms with the reality of my sister's marriage to Joseph. I thought I'd be able to slowly ease myself back into the studying frame of mind. I had pictured myself doing so many things. Yet maybe they're right when they say that you love to make a man eat his words and swallow his plans. They say you love to watch a man struggle to keep his head above the water, delighting in the instance that he will finally see beyond himself and call out to you for help.
Lots of things they say about you, Lord. And many a times like this, I'm tempted to believe them. I was told just last night that I have a gift of opening pple up, that somehow I'm able to be a comfort to them in the midst of their pain and troubles. I was told before many times that I'm one of the happiest persons they know, always able to smile and put on a brave face no matter what had come my way. Some have even been kind enough to tell me that they think I'm pretty mature in my thoughts, while others pay me compliments of being nice, generous and patient just to name a few.
Yet if I were ever asked to say something about you that the pulpit does not usually say, I'd tell them you were the God of Ironies. How else do I explain why I know of people who somehow appreciate my company enough to confide in me, and tell me my presence and my words have helped, when there are so many times alone in my room when I feel so desperately lonely, finding it unbearable to be with myself?
How else do I explain why I’m never short of female companionship, yet always missing out on the best friend of my life?
Why else would there be so many who see me as cheerful and positive, when aside from my facades that I assume in the company of others, there've also been plenty of my melancholia I no longer hide, which people don't recognize as being part of who I really am?
How else do I explain how I can encourage most around me and sort out their problems for them, when my life remains such an unmitigated mess?
Lord, sometimes I feel like my life is nothing short of an unending chain of ironies. Maybe that explains my brand of humour, and my take on life – always tinged with a slight trace of cynicism. Yet beneath the surface of that bravado, I somehow still carry deep within me the optimism and hope that I’m wrong, that somehow you’ll still make sense for me, of all the crazy things that seem to happen around me.
This world somehow seems bent on telling you that this is a great place to be in, with the seemingly endless varieties and potential it promises, only to take each dream you’ve built up along the way, and shatter it into an unrecognizable state. And Lord, after a few such experiences, its so easy to give up on my dreams already. Go through the machinery of life and see it through to the end seems to become the motto. Follow through on the conveyor belt like everyone else, and try not to end up as a defective product. That seems to have become the new ideal, the new dream. And so many of us have learnt to couch it in more spiritual terms, assuming a pseudo-heart of thanksgiving and contentment. So much so that we don’t recognize the value of dreaming and reaching for the fullness of life you’ve promised.
On my worst days, I start thinking that I’m falling into that trap. Getting a little too engrossed in my work, I begin to value my rest time above the level of commitment I gave – not in terms of the time I put in, but in terms of the willingness to participate. And as I start berating myself for the blurring of my priorities, my internal debate begins again, justifying to myself my course of actions and at the same time refusing to believe its legitimacy. At the end of the day, I just end up being more and more disappointed in myself.
Maybe that’s why tonight and for the past few days, this song has persistently haunted me. Cos in the midst of all that goes on inside my head, of the demons I’ve made for myself in my life, there are always those brief moments of respite that you offer… a slight glimpse of yourself here and there, an inexplicable change in attitude out of the blue that chases the clouds away for that one day, that somehow keeps me sane and safe in this crazy world.
Maybe this is a little of how Job felt after you showed yourself, yet refused to answer a single one of his questions. Somehow just your very presence offered the comfort that made all words superfluous.
I’ll need more of that in the upcoming weeks, Lord. All the way till I celebrate your birth here in this crazy world you made, that we’ve messed up. Until then, this song serves as a prayer to you, for your elusive love that never fails to find me every time I stop searching and wait to be found. A prayer of thanksgiving, and of gratitude… for how you’ve always been so near even when I’m the one who has kept you so far… and I guess even for understanding me in the midst of my incoherent prayers to you…
It’s a new week again, Lord.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Office Musings
I once heard this story somewhere, possibly as an illustration in a Ravi Zacharias sermon, where there was a man who stood in a marketplace to tell the people the truth. Day and night, rain and shine, he would be there, shouting at the top of his voice, the truth he believes in.
At first, he was a novelty and a curios. Then he was a bore. He finally became an irritant, and a liability to the marketplace. They hurled their insults at him, their rotten vegetables and meat, and ridiculed the things he was saying. They threw him out of the marketplace, and chastised all those who would pause to listen to what he had to hear.
“Have nothing to do with his nonsense, unless you are as mad as he is”, they would say.
Yet the man persisted in his task.
Finally, a little boy walked over to ask him why he does what he’s been doing. Wouldn’t it have been easier to just walk amongst the crowd, and whisper to a few at a time, or just keep it to himself? Why does he want to incur the wrath of everyone by shouting at the top of his voice, the things that he proclaims?
The man replies, “I used to shout at the marketplace place because I hope for as many people as possible to hear what I have to say. Now, I keep on shouting at the top of my voice to keep myself from forgetting what I wanted others to hear.”
*****************************************************
I learn a little more about myself everyday. This story really struck a chord in me. I realized that sometimes, I’m pretty much doing the same thing. I say the same thing over and over again, and I bore everyone out with basically the same words on my blog. A little bit abt my church life, and a lot more abt my lack of a love life. Of my ideals in a r/s that I’m struggling to keep from compromising, and the little things in the ministry that I always am amazed at, and give thanks for.
For the ways in which Henry and Bernice always provide such a model of servanthood that never fails to humble me everytime I like to entertain the thought that I’m doing more than a lotta pple I see…
For how they’ve also been such ceaseless servants in the ministry that I’ve never hard them whine abt needing to take a break from serving… and how tiring as the ministry may be, somehow we continue to serve with thankful and joyful hearts. And its such a rare trait to find in churches nowadays… pple who dun whine abt how tired they are, but are able to exhibit joy in their selfless service.
I think the day I stop repeating these things to myself, is the day I’ve totally forgotten that which I shd have kept close to my heart. The things that the world is constantly seeking to drown out, but that which I need to always remind myself in order to keep my heart tender enough for His word and His Truth to saturate into my soul.
At first, he was a novelty and a curios. Then he was a bore. He finally became an irritant, and a liability to the marketplace. They hurled their insults at him, their rotten vegetables and meat, and ridiculed the things he was saying. They threw him out of the marketplace, and chastised all those who would pause to listen to what he had to hear.
“Have nothing to do with his nonsense, unless you are as mad as he is”, they would say.
Yet the man persisted in his task.
Finally, a little boy walked over to ask him why he does what he’s been doing. Wouldn’t it have been easier to just walk amongst the crowd, and whisper to a few at a time, or just keep it to himself? Why does he want to incur the wrath of everyone by shouting at the top of his voice, the things that he proclaims?
The man replies, “I used to shout at the marketplace place because I hope for as many people as possible to hear what I have to say. Now, I keep on shouting at the top of my voice to keep myself from forgetting what I wanted others to hear.”
*****************************************************
I learn a little more about myself everyday. This story really struck a chord in me. I realized that sometimes, I’m pretty much doing the same thing. I say the same thing over and over again, and I bore everyone out with basically the same words on my blog. A little bit abt my church life, and a lot more abt my lack of a love life. Of my ideals in a r/s that I’m struggling to keep from compromising, and the little things in the ministry that I always am amazed at, and give thanks for.
For the ways in which Henry and Bernice always provide such a model of servanthood that never fails to humble me everytime I like to entertain the thought that I’m doing more than a lotta pple I see…
For how they’ve also been such ceaseless servants in the ministry that I’ve never hard them whine abt needing to take a break from serving… and how tiring as the ministry may be, somehow we continue to serve with thankful and joyful hearts. And its such a rare trait to find in churches nowadays… pple who dun whine abt how tired they are, but are able to exhibit joy in their selfless service.
I think the day I stop repeating these things to myself, is the day I’ve totally forgotten that which I shd have kept close to my heart. The things that the world is constantly seeking to drown out, but that which I need to always remind myself in order to keep my heart tender enough for His word and His Truth to saturate into my soul.
So I Now Have A Brother In Law...
Yes, its been a really really mad week of activities... and now that my sis has finally been married off, and is now happily on her way to Germany for her honeymoon, I finally have time to take stock of all that has passed.
The week started with my frantic last-minute attempts to write a song for her. The first draft was naturally an unmitigated disaster, absolutely exacerbated by my desire to write it in chinese, since it will be sung in a chinese wedding service. I'm glad to say that I have trashed every copy of the first draft I could get my hands on, and hopefully no copies of it exists anymore on the face of this earth. Yet I stubbornly chose to meet Henry on tue night with that draft, and try to come up with a melody. Naturally, it was an utter and abject failure. We ended up singing lots of other love songs that popped to mind, and had a lotta fun jamming away. But nothing much came out that night. So we were left with thus night as our only alternative practice slot. So on wed night I decided that it was time for me to rise to the occasion and come up with something decent, as a small measure of reciprocation for all the years my sis had been so gracious and loving towards me.
Stopping short of going down on my knees, (tho that would have been my next resort), I was asking God to give me something that I could take to my sister. And how the big guy answered my prayers! 2 hrs that night as I hammered away at the keyboard and finally came up with the lyrics, followed by a whole day of arduous torture at work as I struggled to stay awake, followed by 2 hrs of intense composing, and the song was finally complete. I was so happy then. So the most natural thing to have happened in that moment of euphoria, which was what I did - was to forget to thank God. But nevertheless, somehow if any credit could be taken from me for this song, it would have been that brief prayer I made that night before God, because it certainly couldn't have come from me.
The drama continues tho. Not being all too sure of the song, I decided to go down to Bernice's house to prac it again with Henry on fri, where the worship team were gathering for their practice. That's when we came up with the brilliant idea that we shd turn it into a duet. Actually Henry had already mentioned on thus night after we completed it, that it sounds like a duet song. I concurred - but dismissed the idea since I figured it was too late to find someone on such short notice. Up stepped Sylvia to take up the responsibility. She bravely shouldered the task, praticed it really diligently, and did a lot better than she gave herself credit for. So when saturday came, and we did the song on stage, it is with really minimal humility when I say that of all the many positive feedbacks that I came across of the song, there was very little I dared to even consider attributing to myself. But I guess that's how God always intended His gifts to be.
Interesting, to consider the song as sort of God's wedding gift to the couple...
Hehz...
Friday night marked the beginning of a mad rush to prep the house for the next day's activities. Early in the morning, the sisters all trooped in and took over the house, plotting their devious little 'sabo's for the brothers, and for Joseph. Thinking of how I'm gonna be in the brothers's team soon enough for Xianghui's wedding, I shuddered a little when I overheard all the plans the sisters had in mind. And sure enough, when the brothers and Joseph came, they had do some really disgusting stuff. I managed to dodge the bullet on account of being the bride's brother. Grins.
It was a really hot day, but we gamely trooped over to church after all that for the wedding ceremony. The whole ceremony proceeded really smoothly, and there were many who came up to extend their congratulations. Many relatives, whom I don't even recognize, all called my name and grabbed my hand to speak to me. Was a really really embarrassing time for me man... Hehz... Was thinking to myself just how dead am I gonna be at my own wedding (if I ever manage to con a girl into marrying me, I mean), when it comes to inviting relatives, and greeting them when they show up. Worse was to follow at the tea ceremony, when Jo and my sis had to serve tea and call each relative by their exact 'title'. I think I would have just chosen to jump out of the window.
Then when it was all over, I stayed out with Paul and Stanley to have dinner and a drink while watching Man Utd screw up a match against Spurs. Went home late, tried working on my MC script for the dinner, and realised I was too drunk to think clearly. So slept instead and woke up with a terrific hangover. Went for service, after which we celebrated Enoch and Huilin's birthday. Rushed down to the hotel (thank God for the Lancer. Hehz...) to meet the co-ordinators to finalize plans for the dinner, then had to spend an hour frantically trying to prepare something to say at the dinner. Bathed, then rushed down for all the sound checks and stuff, and never looked back since then.
I thought the dinner was really sweet, I had my fair share of banter with Joseph on stage, and there was enough mush to go around by the various speeches to qualify it as a heart-warming dinner. All in all, I really felt the whole thing went off really well. I had my share of pretty major screw-ups on stage, but I doubt many caught it. I was a little raw, naturally, since it was my first time being an MC... but I think I would have been a tad too harsh with myself if I said I sucked.
*deep breathe*
Here's the song I wrote, for anyone interested in reading it. Yes, Mei, feel free to mock this work of love that is God's gift to the couple...
从今以后
Verse 1:
现在起
你我要学习
从今以后
彼此地相依
不顾前路有多么艰苦
两颗心
永远不分离
Verse 2:
在此刻
只想对你说
从今以后
将与你合一
生命不再
只属于自己
我愿把
一生交给你
Chorus:
从今以后
要学习爱戴与珍惜
从今以后
风雨路陪你走过
天父祂慈爱的看顾
成全我与你
在祂爱里
你我建立
我们的家庭
Bridge:
一生一世在祂爱里
一同经历祂丰盛的慈爱
Last Line:
在祂爱里
你我约定
终生不分离
I've put up the song 我愿意为你 because throughout the whole process of composing the song, we couldn't stop bemoaning the fact that this was such a beautiful song to sing at a wedding. Unfortunately Faye Wong has really made it her own, and made it almost impossible to do a better job of it. As such, any attempts to use it at a wedding would really be awful. But its always a personal favorite. Everytime I read the lyrics, I find myself almost soulishly reaching to every emotion that the lyrics convey....
Weddings always stirs up the same feelings of desire that I have to find someone to share my life with, someone whom I could run to at a moments notice, just because I had a spontaneous urge to tell her I love her. Seeing those couples walking in to the dinner and at the wedding... sometimes I had to remind myself to focus on the things I had to do, and not get caught up in my wistful musings.
But I guess I've said enough abt that, so I shall not prolong this post anymore.
Except to say this...
I'm SO gonna miss my sis.
The week started with my frantic last-minute attempts to write a song for her. The first draft was naturally an unmitigated disaster, absolutely exacerbated by my desire to write it in chinese, since it will be sung in a chinese wedding service. I'm glad to say that I have trashed every copy of the first draft I could get my hands on, and hopefully no copies of it exists anymore on the face of this earth. Yet I stubbornly chose to meet Henry on tue night with that draft, and try to come up with a melody. Naturally, it was an utter and abject failure. We ended up singing lots of other love songs that popped to mind, and had a lotta fun jamming away. But nothing much came out that night. So we were left with thus night as our only alternative practice slot. So on wed night I decided that it was time for me to rise to the occasion and come up with something decent, as a small measure of reciprocation for all the years my sis had been so gracious and loving towards me.
Stopping short of going down on my knees, (tho that would have been my next resort), I was asking God to give me something that I could take to my sister. And how the big guy answered my prayers! 2 hrs that night as I hammered away at the keyboard and finally came up with the lyrics, followed by a whole day of arduous torture at work as I struggled to stay awake, followed by 2 hrs of intense composing, and the song was finally complete. I was so happy then. So the most natural thing to have happened in that moment of euphoria, which was what I did - was to forget to thank God. But nevertheless, somehow if any credit could be taken from me for this song, it would have been that brief prayer I made that night before God, because it certainly couldn't have come from me.
The drama continues tho. Not being all too sure of the song, I decided to go down to Bernice's house to prac it again with Henry on fri, where the worship team were gathering for their practice. That's when we came up with the brilliant idea that we shd turn it into a duet. Actually Henry had already mentioned on thus night after we completed it, that it sounds like a duet song. I concurred - but dismissed the idea since I figured it was too late to find someone on such short notice. Up stepped Sylvia to take up the responsibility. She bravely shouldered the task, praticed it really diligently, and did a lot better than she gave herself credit for. So when saturday came, and we did the song on stage, it is with really minimal humility when I say that of all the many positive feedbacks that I came across of the song, there was very little I dared to even consider attributing to myself. But I guess that's how God always intended His gifts to be.
Interesting, to consider the song as sort of God's wedding gift to the couple...
Hehz...
Friday night marked the beginning of a mad rush to prep the house for the next day's activities. Early in the morning, the sisters all trooped in and took over the house, plotting their devious little 'sabo's for the brothers, and for Joseph. Thinking of how I'm gonna be in the brothers's team soon enough for Xianghui's wedding, I shuddered a little when I overheard all the plans the sisters had in mind. And sure enough, when the brothers and Joseph came, they had do some really disgusting stuff. I managed to dodge the bullet on account of being the bride's brother. Grins.
It was a really hot day, but we gamely trooped over to church after all that for the wedding ceremony. The whole ceremony proceeded really smoothly, and there were many who came up to extend their congratulations. Many relatives, whom I don't even recognize, all called my name and grabbed my hand to speak to me. Was a really really embarrassing time for me man... Hehz... Was thinking to myself just how dead am I gonna be at my own wedding (if I ever manage to con a girl into marrying me, I mean), when it comes to inviting relatives, and greeting them when they show up. Worse was to follow at the tea ceremony, when Jo and my sis had to serve tea and call each relative by their exact 'title'. I think I would have just chosen to jump out of the window.
Then when it was all over, I stayed out with Paul and Stanley to have dinner and a drink while watching Man Utd screw up a match against Spurs. Went home late, tried working on my MC script for the dinner, and realised I was too drunk to think clearly. So slept instead and woke up with a terrific hangover. Went for service, after which we celebrated Enoch and Huilin's birthday. Rushed down to the hotel (thank God for the Lancer. Hehz...) to meet the co-ordinators to finalize plans for the dinner, then had to spend an hour frantically trying to prepare something to say at the dinner. Bathed, then rushed down for all the sound checks and stuff, and never looked back since then.
I thought the dinner was really sweet, I had my fair share of banter with Joseph on stage, and there was enough mush to go around by the various speeches to qualify it as a heart-warming dinner. All in all, I really felt the whole thing went off really well. I had my share of pretty major screw-ups on stage, but I doubt many caught it. I was a little raw, naturally, since it was my first time being an MC... but I think I would have been a tad too harsh with myself if I said I sucked.
*deep breathe*
Here's the song I wrote, for anyone interested in reading it. Yes, Mei, feel free to mock this work of love that is God's gift to the couple...
从今以后
Verse 1:
现在起
你我要学习
从今以后
彼此地相依
不顾前路有多么艰苦
两颗心
永远不分离
Verse 2:
在此刻
只想对你说
从今以后
将与你合一
生命不再
只属于自己
我愿把
一生交给你
Chorus:
从今以后
要学习爱戴与珍惜
从今以后
风雨路陪你走过
天父祂慈爱的看顾
成全我与你
在祂爱里
你我建立
我们的家庭
Bridge:
一生一世在祂爱里
一同经历祂丰盛的慈爱
Last Line:
在祂爱里
你我约定
终生不分离
I've put up the song 我愿意为你 because throughout the whole process of composing the song, we couldn't stop bemoaning the fact that this was such a beautiful song to sing at a wedding. Unfortunately Faye Wong has really made it her own, and made it almost impossible to do a better job of it. As such, any attempts to use it at a wedding would really be awful. But its always a personal favorite. Everytime I read the lyrics, I find myself almost soulishly reaching to every emotion that the lyrics convey....
Weddings always stirs up the same feelings of desire that I have to find someone to share my life with, someone whom I could run to at a moments notice, just because I had a spontaneous urge to tell her I love her. Seeing those couples walking in to the dinner and at the wedding... sometimes I had to remind myself to focus on the things I had to do, and not get caught up in my wistful musings.
But I guess I've said enough abt that, so I shall not prolong this post anymore.
Except to say this...
I'm SO gonna miss my sis.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
God's Own Fool
Funny that over dinner I shd with Paul yesterday I shd have just mentioned that the most sensible woman in the world can be an absolute wreck of nerves and senses when it comes to affairs of the heart. And perhaps himself being a pretty good benchmark, lemme expand that to include all people on planet earth. Every bystander can see in the most crystal clear manner possible, just why the relationship is an absolute diasaster - yet the party involved will somehow cling on to the "hope against hope" that time and stubborn resolve would prove its critics wrong. And how we celebrate the odd story in a million where indeed the critics have been confounded, where love in all its grit has triumphed over all.
All that is a prelude to what I just learnt tonight. a friend of mine, inadvertently at first, perhaps... let slip that she had driven all the way to her ex's house, so as to somehow allow the proximity to him (in this case, his car) temper the grief of the broken relationship. Of course, my first reaction was one of astonishment at the desperation the gesture more or less signified. Yet the secondary reaction was one of a sheepish recognition, since I myself have many times been guilty of the same tendency, if not the exact same act.
The many times I would find an excuse for myself to pace Holland Village and Jelita Cold Storage, hoping for a glance of her, an opportunity to 'accidentally' bump into her. How it took me the whole of 2 years to wean myself off the habit of instinctively scanning every room in church that I walk into, hoping to find her there. The times back home when I'd imagine the conversations I'd have if I did bump into her... I guess we all have our indulgences as we try to let go, little by little...
I guess God made love to always be the most illogical thing in the world. When the bible talks abt how the foolishness of God is the wisdom of man, I can think of no better example than the love God displayed. How else could we ever explain a God dying for the sake of us? Sometimes we've heard the message so much that we've become numbed to the sheer ludicrity of such an act.
Somehow God dying for us has become quite a logical thing to do.
And I guess its right about that time that we stop being captivated by the magnitude of God's love, measured against the sheer inanity of His sacrifice. Tonight I find myself very much humbled by the timeless truth of God's love showed in how He sent His Son to die on a cross for my sins. Because when we appreciate the beauty of the act, and not be so quick to apply theology to it, the absurdity of God's gesture would be many times more foolish than the most ridiculous act you could imagine a lover to be capable of. Much more stupid than what my friend did tonight, or that I ever did in the past.
I find myself very much in the mood to celebrate love, suddenly. I spent my dinner trying to wrack my brains with Paul, for a song to sing at my sister's wedding. I've lamented about how my lack of a love life seemed to have stifled my ability to write lyrics that exalts love. I wasn't half as keen as Henry & Bernice were to find a christian song, figuring that a secular one would do just as well. Yet right now, there is a much different picture in my mind, of how the love of a man and woman will always look cheap if it exists in and of itself, measured against the incomparable love of Christ. To thus celebrate a marriage without that Sovereign Love as the backdrop of it all would very much cheapen any love story, no matter how much the couple in question feel like they're fulfilled.
Michael Card always writes songs like no one else I know. His lyrics paint pictures in your head that would have put to shame anyone who believed that "a picture paints a thousand words". Tonight this song somehow surprised me by touching off something inside of me.
God really makes all things beautiful in His own time.
All that is a prelude to what I just learnt tonight. a friend of mine, inadvertently at first, perhaps... let slip that she had driven all the way to her ex's house, so as to somehow allow the proximity to him (in this case, his car) temper the grief of the broken relationship. Of course, my first reaction was one of astonishment at the desperation the gesture more or less signified. Yet the secondary reaction was one of a sheepish recognition, since I myself have many times been guilty of the same tendency, if not the exact same act.
The many times I would find an excuse for myself to pace Holland Village and Jelita Cold Storage, hoping for a glance of her, an opportunity to 'accidentally' bump into her. How it took me the whole of 2 years to wean myself off the habit of instinctively scanning every room in church that I walk into, hoping to find her there. The times back home when I'd imagine the conversations I'd have if I did bump into her... I guess we all have our indulgences as we try to let go, little by little...
I guess God made love to always be the most illogical thing in the world. When the bible talks abt how the foolishness of God is the wisdom of man, I can think of no better example than the love God displayed. How else could we ever explain a God dying for the sake of us? Sometimes we've heard the message so much that we've become numbed to the sheer ludicrity of such an act.
Somehow God dying for us has become quite a logical thing to do.
And I guess its right about that time that we stop being captivated by the magnitude of God's love, measured against the sheer inanity of His sacrifice. Tonight I find myself very much humbled by the timeless truth of God's love showed in how He sent His Son to die on a cross for my sins. Because when we appreciate the beauty of the act, and not be so quick to apply theology to it, the absurdity of God's gesture would be many times more foolish than the most ridiculous act you could imagine a lover to be capable of. Much more stupid than what my friend did tonight, or that I ever did in the past.
I find myself very much in the mood to celebrate love, suddenly. I spent my dinner trying to wrack my brains with Paul, for a song to sing at my sister's wedding. I've lamented about how my lack of a love life seemed to have stifled my ability to write lyrics that exalts love. I wasn't half as keen as Henry & Bernice were to find a christian song, figuring that a secular one would do just as well. Yet right now, there is a much different picture in my mind, of how the love of a man and woman will always look cheap if it exists in and of itself, measured against the incomparable love of Christ. To thus celebrate a marriage without that Sovereign Love as the backdrop of it all would very much cheapen any love story, no matter how much the couple in question feel like they're fulfilled.
Michael Card always writes songs like no one else I know. His lyrics paint pictures in your head that would have put to shame anyone who believed that "a picture paints a thousand words". Tonight this song somehow surprised me by touching off something inside of me.
God really makes all things beautiful in His own time.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Life's Ironies
Slow day at work.
Slow meaning I need to slow down cos I'm spoiling market by producing too many too fast. So unless I slow down now, I'm gonna have 2 pairs of eyes glaring... no, make that staring - at me.
Grins.
Anyway, I just thought that it was really funny this morning that the news reported Wayne Rooney was passed fit to play for England in the match against Poland. What tickled me was learning he had a late injury scare in training, when - get this - his ankle was clipped... by Peter Crouch.
Muahahaha... for the football unsavvy, Rooney is just back from serving his suspension, and was poised to take back his position in the team... currently occupied by Crouch.
Hehz...
Slow meaning I need to slow down cos I'm spoiling market by producing too many too fast. So unless I slow down now, I'm gonna have 2 pairs of eyes glaring... no, make that staring - at me.
Grins.
Anyway, I just thought that it was really funny this morning that the news reported Wayne Rooney was passed fit to play for England in the match against Poland. What tickled me was learning he had a late injury scare in training, when - get this - his ankle was clipped... by Peter Crouch.
Muahahaha... for the football unsavvy, Rooney is just back from serving his suspension, and was poised to take back his position in the team... currently occupied by Crouch.
Hehz...
Sunday, October 09, 2005
My week
England just posted a 1-0 win against Austria, with my dear Beckham again being sent off. No doubt he'll be crying to the media once again about how he's been the victim of a harsh decision, after which will follow stories of huge conspiracies against him.
The whole week has sped past me so fast. Its scary to think that the wedding is just 2 weeks away from now. So many things are still so unsettled. I still dunno what song to sing (the rehearsal is on thursday), I still haven't worked out with anyone the sequence for the dinner (I'm the emcee), I need to cut my hair, decide on what to wear so I can borrow the appropriate ties from Paul (yes darling, I'm gonna need to borrow them, by the way...), just to list some of the more major things I have yet to do for the wedding.
Its really scary. I can't even begin to imagine how my sis must be feeling.
Married.
As much as we all mull so much over whether or not this is the right one for me, we acknowledge the uncertainty of it all evne within a r/s... how much more scary it is to step into such an uncertain and irrevocable position as to be married to that someone? Some people fear death because of the uncertainty ahead - no one knows what's gonna happen whe you cross over to the other side. And as much as there is an irony here about using death as the analogy, I guess that's really the greatest doubt that crosses everyone's mind.
Man...
Weixiu's already making such a big meal out of just getting attached. I think I shd tell her boyfriend to propose on their first date out, cos it'll prob take her the next 20 yrs to decide to say yes.
Grins.
My manager's returning next week, so there goes my goofing off in the office. Sigh. Things just always seem to be getting tougher and tougher eveywhere. I'm just gonna be glad once the month is over, cos it'll mean the wedding's over and done with - and that I'll have gotten my first full paycheck. Hehz... Yes, I owe Weixiu a treat. Hmm... thinking MacDonald's or KFC...
Wuahahahahaha...
This week of talking to so many pple, and the topic mainly abt r/s, I guess its sort of stirred up in me again longings that I thought I had put down pretty well already. I told myself that I'd wait till I graduated before I considered dating, but with a lot of the cobversations lately centering about how timing is so important in getting hitched to the right person, I'm wondering if I shd let my 3-yr window be a determining factor in deciding whether or not its bad timing... So that if opportunity comes up, I'd actually go for it instead of sticking by my decision to wait it out.
Cos its a really lonely path to tread alone. I've always wanted to bring my own girlfriend to my sis's wedding. Or at least I had always pictured bringing Grace. To somehow now be going there alone suddenly made me again think abt how the future we had envisioned together, and the dreams we had built up over 4 yrs, has all come to naught now. As much as that somehow makes me very cautious abt getting into another r/s again, there's at the same time the desire to build new dreams with someone else, and to try again to make it work this time round.
Its the same sort of impulse as what you get when you play a game and lose... you wanna straight away give it a second try, and hopefully get it right this time round.
But it just sounds so silly when I equate it to a game.
Sigh.
But ah well.
Tmr will be the last time I run... before the wedding, at least. Its been a good 5 months' worth of work, and I think I do feel a lot healthier, if not for that knee of mine which I suspect will soon have to go. It hurts pretty badly nowadays, even when I'm just walking up the stairs. Not sure what I shd do about it, actually. But tmr I'm sure gonna just give it the run of my life... and hope the knee holds up. It'll be so ironic now if I end up going to the wedding with crutches.
Grins.
Its been a pretty emotinally trying few weeks for everyone, and I've noticed a few people breaking down on various occaions... some very subtle and unnoticeable unless you were aware of what to look out for. Yet such heavy-heartedness has been a very tangible presence, and in many ways contributed to the very low-energy feeling in ministry lately. Tonight at worship prac, Bernice was again sharing so many things that were pressing on her, many of which I can really empathize with.
I know I say it very often.... and don't do it half as much.. I really feel the very heavy burden to be praying more. There's this mental picture that comes to mind where I imagine God just hovering around, waiting for us to really start praying, upon which He will step in to do his work... yet it seems that even though its so simple, we just seem to busy ourselves with everything except pray.
We can really be such silly creature sometimes.
Anyway, I've put up another old song that I've found. Pity I can't do it for my sis's wedding. I gebuinely think its a really sweet song, and so cute.
Ah well.
Mebbe I'll use it for mine.
Wuahahahahahaha...
The whole week has sped past me so fast. Its scary to think that the wedding is just 2 weeks away from now. So many things are still so unsettled. I still dunno what song to sing (the rehearsal is on thursday), I still haven't worked out with anyone the sequence for the dinner (I'm the emcee), I need to cut my hair, decide on what to wear so I can borrow the appropriate ties from Paul (yes darling, I'm gonna need to borrow them, by the way...), just to list some of the more major things I have yet to do for the wedding.
Its really scary. I can't even begin to imagine how my sis must be feeling.
Married.
As much as we all mull so much over whether or not this is the right one for me, we acknowledge the uncertainty of it all evne within a r/s... how much more scary it is to step into such an uncertain and irrevocable position as to be married to that someone? Some people fear death because of the uncertainty ahead - no one knows what's gonna happen whe you cross over to the other side. And as much as there is an irony here about using death as the analogy, I guess that's really the greatest doubt that crosses everyone's mind.
Man...
Weixiu's already making such a big meal out of just getting attached. I think I shd tell her boyfriend to propose on their first date out, cos it'll prob take her the next 20 yrs to decide to say yes.
Grins.
My manager's returning next week, so there goes my goofing off in the office. Sigh. Things just always seem to be getting tougher and tougher eveywhere. I'm just gonna be glad once the month is over, cos it'll mean the wedding's over and done with - and that I'll have gotten my first full paycheck. Hehz... Yes, I owe Weixiu a treat. Hmm... thinking MacDonald's or KFC...
Wuahahahahaha...
This week of talking to so many pple, and the topic mainly abt r/s, I guess its sort of stirred up in me again longings that I thought I had put down pretty well already. I told myself that I'd wait till I graduated before I considered dating, but with a lot of the cobversations lately centering about how timing is so important in getting hitched to the right person, I'm wondering if I shd let my 3-yr window be a determining factor in deciding whether or not its bad timing... So that if opportunity comes up, I'd actually go for it instead of sticking by my decision to wait it out.
Cos its a really lonely path to tread alone. I've always wanted to bring my own girlfriend to my sis's wedding. Or at least I had always pictured bringing Grace. To somehow now be going there alone suddenly made me again think abt how the future we had envisioned together, and the dreams we had built up over 4 yrs, has all come to naught now. As much as that somehow makes me very cautious abt getting into another r/s again, there's at the same time the desire to build new dreams with someone else, and to try again to make it work this time round.
Its the same sort of impulse as what you get when you play a game and lose... you wanna straight away give it a second try, and hopefully get it right this time round.
But it just sounds so silly when I equate it to a game.
Sigh.
But ah well.
Tmr will be the last time I run... before the wedding, at least. Its been a good 5 months' worth of work, and I think I do feel a lot healthier, if not for that knee of mine which I suspect will soon have to go. It hurts pretty badly nowadays, even when I'm just walking up the stairs. Not sure what I shd do about it, actually. But tmr I'm sure gonna just give it the run of my life... and hope the knee holds up. It'll be so ironic now if I end up going to the wedding with crutches.
Grins.
Its been a pretty emotinally trying few weeks for everyone, and I've noticed a few people breaking down on various occaions... some very subtle and unnoticeable unless you were aware of what to look out for. Yet such heavy-heartedness has been a very tangible presence, and in many ways contributed to the very low-energy feeling in ministry lately. Tonight at worship prac, Bernice was again sharing so many things that were pressing on her, many of which I can really empathize with.
I know I say it very often.... and don't do it half as much.. I really feel the very heavy burden to be praying more. There's this mental picture that comes to mind where I imagine God just hovering around, waiting for us to really start praying, upon which He will step in to do his work... yet it seems that even though its so simple, we just seem to busy ourselves with everything except pray.
We can really be such silly creature sometimes.
Anyway, I've put up another old song that I've found. Pity I can't do it for my sis's wedding. I gebuinely think its a really sweet song, and so cute.
Ah well.
Mebbe I'll use it for mine.
Wuahahahahahaha...
Friday, October 07, 2005
Fridays I'm In Love
Hehz... no, nothing abt love... just thinking abt the song... since its friday... Mebbe I'll put it up tonight. =)
Here I am, in the office on a friday morning, more than an hour early. But I do enjoy the peace and quiet it offers me... esp after yesterday's trauma of working the whole day alone cos everyone else is on off, MC, or in training.
Its been a pretty fast week... starting with some guys going off on training, but a newcomer coming in. Yesterday was Weixiu's birthday, and I was helping Kevin co-ordinate her birthday surprise in the office. So there've been my fair share of things to keep me occupied...
I've been feeling so exhausted lately from the flurry of things. Was supposed to have a rehearsal last night for Wendy's function next wk, but turned out that the actual thing falls on the same day as my sis's wedding rehearsal, so I had to cancel. Felt pretty bad... Speaking of which, I have yet to pick a song to sing. Shit man. I only seem to be able to think of goofy funny songs. And if I ever do something like that, I'll never be able to go home again after that.
My knee's really bad also, for some reason. Didn't run on sunday, feeling really lethargic now... I think this week die die als must run already... I need to work out a little, just to limber up a little man.. feeling like a slug now.
A really big slug.
A really really large slug.
A really really really large slug that isn't moving much...
Erm, you get the picture...
Of course, my buddy ain't having the best of times in his life. (Then again, I can't remember the last time he wasn't in the midst of one crisis, moving into another one. At least this time round I'm happy for him. Grins.) Between work and lessons, I guess its easy to drown out our thoughts with things that tire us out... And even as he struggles to cope with his... loss (was tempted to putdown 'gain' instead), I'm also trying my best to muster the strength to adjust myself to the rigours of having to study after working hours. Its pretty tortuous.
Found out a lotta things lately what's going on in a few pple's r/s, crushes on pple... budding romances... lost oportunities... tough decisions... I guess its the only thing left that's keeping me alive. Not that I'm gloating and feeding off other pple's misery, or that I'm so mean as to find joy in what they're going through, but there's a part of me that looks at all that's going on with a great deal of amusement.
We're all such strange creatures, living in such a paradoxical existence. We want to use our heads to make decisions about the heart, then wonder why we don't feel anything. We enjoy the ambiguity of a friendship, yet demand (at least to ourselves) that lines be so clearly drawn that the friendship itself is no longer alive. And for me, sometimes its so tempting to draw away when getting close to someone, yet the yearning at the same time to get even close than I've already come.
Whatever the case, its fri... another week has come and gone. I think I'm playing for Bernice this week... Hope I do better than I did last week. Hehz... Stupid Mingyang actually taped the worship, so I'm gonna have to endure hearing myself play.... Help.
Here I am, in the office on a friday morning, more than an hour early. But I do enjoy the peace and quiet it offers me... esp after yesterday's trauma of working the whole day alone cos everyone else is on off, MC, or in training.
Its been a pretty fast week... starting with some guys going off on training, but a newcomer coming in. Yesterday was Weixiu's birthday, and I was helping Kevin co-ordinate her birthday surprise in the office. So there've been my fair share of things to keep me occupied...
I've been feeling so exhausted lately from the flurry of things. Was supposed to have a rehearsal last night for Wendy's function next wk, but turned out that the actual thing falls on the same day as my sis's wedding rehearsal, so I had to cancel. Felt pretty bad... Speaking of which, I have yet to pick a song to sing. Shit man. I only seem to be able to think of goofy funny songs. And if I ever do something like that, I'll never be able to go home again after that.
My knee's really bad also, for some reason. Didn't run on sunday, feeling really lethargic now... I think this week die die als must run already... I need to work out a little, just to limber up a little man.. feeling like a slug now.
A really big slug.
A really really large slug.
A really really really large slug that isn't moving much...
Erm, you get the picture...
Of course, my buddy ain't having the best of times in his life. (Then again, I can't remember the last time he wasn't in the midst of one crisis, moving into another one. At least this time round I'm happy for him. Grins.) Between work and lessons, I guess its easy to drown out our thoughts with things that tire us out... And even as he struggles to cope with his... loss (was tempted to putdown 'gain' instead), I'm also trying my best to muster the strength to adjust myself to the rigours of having to study after working hours. Its pretty tortuous.
Found out a lotta things lately what's going on in a few pple's r/s, crushes on pple... budding romances... lost oportunities... tough decisions... I guess its the only thing left that's keeping me alive. Not that I'm gloating and feeding off other pple's misery, or that I'm so mean as to find joy in what they're going through, but there's a part of me that looks at all that's going on with a great deal of amusement.
We're all such strange creatures, living in such a paradoxical existence. We want to use our heads to make decisions about the heart, then wonder why we don't feel anything. We enjoy the ambiguity of a friendship, yet demand (at least to ourselves) that lines be so clearly drawn that the friendship itself is no longer alive. And for me, sometimes its so tempting to draw away when getting close to someone, yet the yearning at the same time to get even close than I've already come.
Whatever the case, its fri... another week has come and gone. I think I'm playing for Bernice this week... Hope I do better than I did last week. Hehz... Stupid Mingyang actually taped the worship, so I'm gonna have to endure hearing myself play.... Help.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Had a lot to say, but decided I'm not having a coherent night.
Just to say that this song goes out to someone, as an encouragment to her. Kudos for having made a tough decision, albeit after mulling over the matter longer than a turtle takes to complete a marathon.
Grins.
Its been a bad week, actually. So much has been happening to those dear to me, its actually weighing me down. Everyone's energy level seems so low...
Must... pray... more...
Just to say that this song goes out to someone, as an encouragment to her. Kudos for having made a tough decision, albeit after mulling over the matter longer than a turtle takes to complete a marathon.
Grins.
Its been a bad week, actually. So much has been happening to those dear to me, its actually weighing me down. Everyone's energy level seems so low...
Must... pray... more...
Monday, October 03, 2005
Life & Handphones...
Tonight for the first time I saw the Nokia 8800 handphone outside of the shops. Quite a rare sight, given its $1.4k price tag. It kindda stayed in my mind, after which I was observing the myriads of handphone models on display on the bus ride home… Each displaying to a different degree the kind of choices it owners made, some due to choice of features, most due to budgetary constraints, and some even due to a lack of proper consideration.
Lame as it might seem to some, I guess it suddenly struck me that life is pretty much like that sometimes. We have the few amongst us whose life seem to be the perfect example of what we want – the Nokia 8800. The epitome of success, with its all encompassing features squeezed into a very compact and aesthetically pleasing shape. Class, elegance and sophistication all rolled up into one. And every common man (well, almost every la…) aspires to that, forgetting that given its rarity, it actually is what’s unreal, as compared to what the rest of the real world actually carries around. (After all, real people carry cheap handphones that are scratched in one corner and cracked in another, just as real people life lives of insufficiencies and inadequacies...)
Ain’t that what we all are like in life? With the measure that been dealt us in life, we each are allotted our own ‘handphones’ – some are flashy, some are plain. So often we won’t really use a feature in the handphone, but we’d much rather have it in the phone if possible, thank you. After all, we all want our phones to be as close to the Nokia 8800 as possible, don't we?
So it is with our lives.
We are so eager to equip ourselves materially and technically (piano... ballet... third, fourth and fifth language… courses on everything under the sun…), that we seldom pause to think abt what we really want to do with it, except that we don’t want to lose out to others. So if the package deal offers me a Bluetooth headset that comes with the phone, I’ll gladly choose that over the other phone at the same price which doesn’t have the same feature – even tho chances are I’ll use the headset once and never touch it again cos I can’t figure it out.
We’re such funny beings… by nature so keen to avoid losing out that we end up being dictated by what others have – we’ve gotta make sure we don’t end up disadvantaged by them. Whatever happened to living life being true to ourselves, and being who we want to be? I’ll tell you – we’ve ended up just wanting to be better than others.
So my choice of handphones in many way reflects the way I choose to live my life. My own paper chase today is the result of the same mentality. What the heck am I doing with a degree in management, I don’t know. Just that I’m told in today’s society, you’ll lose out if you don’t get one. I got myself a driving license only to end up with a self-imposed ban on driving. I’m always told to go take up courses in IT, in another language, cos it helps improve and upgrade me…
I’m left wondering – improve me from what to what? Am I a worser person for not having a cert in another language, or not having a mind of my own (or a life of my own, for that matter)?
So why the paper chase, to be brighter and more successful than others? My Motorola v3 phone works basically the same way as my old Nokia 6100 (which cost a fraction of the price), so after the initial hype of it wears off, I’m wondering how its really “improved” my life. I get the odd perks from girls who ogle at the phone (instead of me, ironically), but not much else.
Working and studying has proved more hectic than I imagined myself to be coping with. News that Gabriel has already quit studying really isn’t the kind of motivation I needed. So the temptation is great to just get a job, and try to be like one of those stories that always get thrown at you, of someone who had nothing, and worked his way from the bottom to a management position through hard work.
So as I think abt it, the only reasons that keep me in my degree would be
1. So that my future girlfriend’s mom won’t harp about how her daughter’s apparently marrying down.
2. Did I mention how its probably easier to get a girl if you have a degree?
3. So that its an option if I really do consider going into seminary next time.
4. So that I possess a bit more credibility when I speak, in a very materialistic world that judges a man by his worldly achievements.
5. Because it actually does help me to think… and I’m learning some stuff that I’m interested in knowing more about.
6. Just to appease my whole family who’s so hung up about the fact that a member of the family actually failed to secure a degree.
7. Still trying to prove a point to myself. I’ll tell you again when I’ve figured out what point I’m trying to prove. Something abt how I’m not an abject failure.
Well there you go.
One small qualifier… I’m not against personal upgrading. Henry wouldn’t have been where he is today if his parents hadn’t forced him to cultivate a skill that would eventually become his passion. None of us got to where we are without hard work in something that we’ve all come to be adept in, that we’ve come to enjoy.
But surely everything needs to possess a degree (pardon the pun there,) beyond which it just becomes a mindless chasing after useless things. “A chasing after the wind”, as the Bible likes to call it. I hear of kids going for financial planning courses, etiquette lessons, drama and singing classes, on top of the traditional and customary ballet and piano lessons… all this on top of tuition for any and every lesson in the curriculum in school… and I’m wondering if we only have ourselves to blame when we see our kids turning worldly wise way before their time, when their innocent childhood is snuffed out by the age of three with the worldly wisdom that says we need to prepare our children to be the best next time, so that they can make something of their lives.
Kindda like forcing all the features into a handphone, paying $1.4k for it, and getting a phone that we end up pretty much using just like any other – only that its a lot more brittle.
I wonder if I’d grow up to be half as jovial as I am today (or at least when I try to be)… if I was born in the past 5 years…
Lame as it might seem to some, I guess it suddenly struck me that life is pretty much like that sometimes. We have the few amongst us whose life seem to be the perfect example of what we want – the Nokia 8800. The epitome of success, with its all encompassing features squeezed into a very compact and aesthetically pleasing shape. Class, elegance and sophistication all rolled up into one. And every common man (well, almost every la…) aspires to that, forgetting that given its rarity, it actually is what’s unreal, as compared to what the rest of the real world actually carries around. (After all, real people carry cheap handphones that are scratched in one corner and cracked in another, just as real people life lives of insufficiencies and inadequacies...)
Ain’t that what we all are like in life? With the measure that been dealt us in life, we each are allotted our own ‘handphones’ – some are flashy, some are plain. So often we won’t really use a feature in the handphone, but we’d much rather have it in the phone if possible, thank you. After all, we all want our phones to be as close to the Nokia 8800 as possible, don't we?
So it is with our lives.
We are so eager to equip ourselves materially and technically (piano... ballet... third, fourth and fifth language… courses on everything under the sun…), that we seldom pause to think abt what we really want to do with it, except that we don’t want to lose out to others. So if the package deal offers me a Bluetooth headset that comes with the phone, I’ll gladly choose that over the other phone at the same price which doesn’t have the same feature – even tho chances are I’ll use the headset once and never touch it again cos I can’t figure it out.
We’re such funny beings… by nature so keen to avoid losing out that we end up being dictated by what others have – we’ve gotta make sure we don’t end up disadvantaged by them. Whatever happened to living life being true to ourselves, and being who we want to be? I’ll tell you – we’ve ended up just wanting to be better than others.
So my choice of handphones in many way reflects the way I choose to live my life. My own paper chase today is the result of the same mentality. What the heck am I doing with a degree in management, I don’t know. Just that I’m told in today’s society, you’ll lose out if you don’t get one. I got myself a driving license only to end up with a self-imposed ban on driving. I’m always told to go take up courses in IT, in another language, cos it helps improve and upgrade me…
I’m left wondering – improve me from what to what? Am I a worser person for not having a cert in another language, or not having a mind of my own (or a life of my own, for that matter)?
So why the paper chase, to be brighter and more successful than others? My Motorola v3 phone works basically the same way as my old Nokia 6100 (which cost a fraction of the price), so after the initial hype of it wears off, I’m wondering how its really “improved” my life. I get the odd perks from girls who ogle at the phone (instead of me, ironically), but not much else.
Working and studying has proved more hectic than I imagined myself to be coping with. News that Gabriel has already quit studying really isn’t the kind of motivation I needed. So the temptation is great to just get a job, and try to be like one of those stories that always get thrown at you, of someone who had nothing, and worked his way from the bottom to a management position through hard work.
So as I think abt it, the only reasons that keep me in my degree would be
1. So that my future girlfriend’s mom won’t harp about how her daughter’s apparently marrying down.
2. Did I mention how its probably easier to get a girl if you have a degree?
3. So that its an option if I really do consider going into seminary next time.
4. So that I possess a bit more credibility when I speak, in a very materialistic world that judges a man by his worldly achievements.
5. Because it actually does help me to think… and I’m learning some stuff that I’m interested in knowing more about.
6. Just to appease my whole family who’s so hung up about the fact that a member of the family actually failed to secure a degree.
7. Still trying to prove a point to myself. I’ll tell you again when I’ve figured out what point I’m trying to prove. Something abt how I’m not an abject failure.
Well there you go.
One small qualifier… I’m not against personal upgrading. Henry wouldn’t have been where he is today if his parents hadn’t forced him to cultivate a skill that would eventually become his passion. None of us got to where we are without hard work in something that we’ve all come to be adept in, that we’ve come to enjoy.
But surely everything needs to possess a degree (pardon the pun there,) beyond which it just becomes a mindless chasing after useless things. “A chasing after the wind”, as the Bible likes to call it. I hear of kids going for financial planning courses, etiquette lessons, drama and singing classes, on top of the traditional and customary ballet and piano lessons… all this on top of tuition for any and every lesson in the curriculum in school… and I’m wondering if we only have ourselves to blame when we see our kids turning worldly wise way before their time, when their innocent childhood is snuffed out by the age of three with the worldly wisdom that says we need to prepare our children to be the best next time, so that they can make something of their lives.
Kindda like forcing all the features into a handphone, paying $1.4k for it, and getting a phone that we end up pretty much using just like any other – only that its a lot more brittle.
I wonder if I’d grow up to be half as jovial as I am today (or at least when I try to be)… if I was born in the past 5 years…
Saturday, October 01, 2005
Everything In Its Time
Do I really sound very sad lately? So much has been made of my recent posts than usual, that I wonder if its just a wierd confluence of coincidence that everyone is at the same time reading my most recent posts and wondering if I'm teetering on the brink of a nervous breakdown, or if I'm genuinely sadder lately, so much so that I don't even realise it.
Well first of all, I guess you'll never ever hear me blog when I'm happy. I'm too busy enjoying myself to care abt this ugly one-eyed monster on my table, to reproduce on it my ecstasy and exhilaration. (Of course, if Fiona shows up and kisses me, it'll definitely go into my blog, don't get me wrong. But even then it'll be only the following week, after I wake up from my semi-comatose euphoria.) So most of the time, my blog won't be made up of my happy thoughts.
Secondly, I share my happy thoughts with friends, since its more readily something they can identify with, and celebrate with me. Its harder to find a friend who will empathize and commiserate with your misery and insecurities. (Don't get me wrong, friends do try, they really do. But 9 out of 10 times, their attempts either fall flat, or else their patience very quickly gives way to their chicken-soup-for-the-soul advice which they expect you to act upon immediately.) Thus the modus operandi where depressing thoughts end up on my blog, where actually much closer friends still get a look into what goes on behind the facade of joy I show everyone else, while the rest gets to share in my joy, and be the recipients of my attempts to keep them from ever becoming what I really am inside.
Much has also been made about my seemingly endless drivel over relationships, and my seeming obsession with finding myself someone whom I can call my own. Well... I can't really change who I am, and the thoughts that involuntarily occupy my mind the minute I give it free play when I'm tired of purpose-driving/directing all my thoughts. So rather than having friends put up with my endless gushings abt the virtues of having a soulmate in my conversations with them, I leave thoughts as such on the web, where you can choose to read them, or pass them over when you are tired of hearing of it.
As for something else a few have been asking me lately, I guess all I can say is that I won't really ever give a straight answer when anyone ever asks me if I really do have someone on my mind, someone whom I'm currently privately pinning for. The reaons are manifold, but the more salient ones are firstly because I need time to think and consider if its just some silly thoughts I'm entertaining, or if its something worth pursuing further. Having the opinions and the potential encouragement/discouragement from well-meaning friends only serves to muddy up the waters more, leaving me with even less than the rat's ass of a chance I originally had of thinking through things clearly.
Secondly, I always felt that telling someone else who you are interested in, leaves a very binding obligation on you somehow, making it necessary to justify later on why you've moved on, something I'd rather not have to do. And once I've confided in that person of the second or third girl that comes into my considerations later on, the whole process makes me at once feel like I'm too easy with liking a girl (I'm not), then also like I'm too picky and fickle minded (I hope I'm not). The act of confiding in that person is also soon cheapened to talking abt the latest crush I have, an act that in the future might serve to undermine any genuine relationships that might have developed had I been less cavalier in my approach.
Thirdly, I think its unfair to the girl. I think I receive waaaaay too much of the spotlight (my fault, I'll readily admit) when it comes to speculation as to whom I'll end up dating next. If I ever make it known who I'm interested in, I think it puts a lot of undeserved pressure and attention on her, something I'd never ever dream of wanting to inflict on her, esp if I claimed to love her. To the one whom I've confided my secret affections in, that person will never be able to look at the girl in the same light again, and it might even in some way affect their own friendship.
So, forgive me if I never ever come right out to admit if I like someone, or who it is. Quite a number have read my past few posts, and speculated that my tone and voice would indicate that I currently carry a torch for someone. One has even speculated that my recent 'depression', which was presumably picked up from my blog's tone, was due to my unrequited affections, which I in turn blogged about.
Be that as it may. Naturally, I won't admit to anything, be it true or false. But I guess the facts remain the same - between work and ministry, not to mention school and family, its gotta be a girl who wants me really bad in return, to even consider starting a relationship, much less an affection that's just one-sided. So whether or not there's someone on my mind, I don't see myself getting attached for the next three yrs.
Hehz.. so there you go.
Maybe that explains my melancholia.
After all, after a hard day's work and study, you kindda all the more wish there was someone to go home to. To have a voice on the phone to look forward to, and a person behind that voice that provides me with a point of focus so I don't get lost in the flurry of my activities. To somehow stare in the face the fact that it will be denied me till I've passed through this valley on my own, can be a pretty daunting task. No one says I have to go through it with an affected smile and positivism.
Perhaps next month some things will improve, or even if it doesn't, maybe my mood will somehow perk up.
*shrug*
I shall bide my time.
And for all those who visit this site, thanks for your concern and questions. Do bide my time with me.
Well first of all, I guess you'll never ever hear me blog when I'm happy. I'm too busy enjoying myself to care abt this ugly one-eyed monster on my table, to reproduce on it my ecstasy and exhilaration. (Of course, if Fiona shows up and kisses me, it'll definitely go into my blog, don't get me wrong. But even then it'll be only the following week, after I wake up from my semi-comatose euphoria.) So most of the time, my blog won't be made up of my happy thoughts.
Secondly, I share my happy thoughts with friends, since its more readily something they can identify with, and celebrate with me. Its harder to find a friend who will empathize and commiserate with your misery and insecurities. (Don't get me wrong, friends do try, they really do. But 9 out of 10 times, their attempts either fall flat, or else their patience very quickly gives way to their chicken-soup-for-the-soul advice which they expect you to act upon immediately.) Thus the modus operandi where depressing thoughts end up on my blog, where actually much closer friends still get a look into what goes on behind the facade of joy I show everyone else, while the rest gets to share in my joy, and be the recipients of my attempts to keep them from ever becoming what I really am inside.
Much has also been made about my seemingly endless drivel over relationships, and my seeming obsession with finding myself someone whom I can call my own. Well... I can't really change who I am, and the thoughts that involuntarily occupy my mind the minute I give it free play when I'm tired of purpose-driving/directing all my thoughts. So rather than having friends put up with my endless gushings abt the virtues of having a soulmate in my conversations with them, I leave thoughts as such on the web, where you can choose to read them, or pass them over when you are tired of hearing of it.
As for something else a few have been asking me lately, I guess all I can say is that I won't really ever give a straight answer when anyone ever asks me if I really do have someone on my mind, someone whom I'm currently privately pinning for. The reaons are manifold, but the more salient ones are firstly because I need time to think and consider if its just some silly thoughts I'm entertaining, or if its something worth pursuing further. Having the opinions and the potential encouragement/discouragement from well-meaning friends only serves to muddy up the waters more, leaving me with even less than the rat's ass of a chance I originally had of thinking through things clearly.
Secondly, I always felt that telling someone else who you are interested in, leaves a very binding obligation on you somehow, making it necessary to justify later on why you've moved on, something I'd rather not have to do. And once I've confided in that person of the second or third girl that comes into my considerations later on, the whole process makes me at once feel like I'm too easy with liking a girl (I'm not), then also like I'm too picky and fickle minded (I hope I'm not). The act of confiding in that person is also soon cheapened to talking abt the latest crush I have, an act that in the future might serve to undermine any genuine relationships that might have developed had I been less cavalier in my approach.
Thirdly, I think its unfair to the girl. I think I receive waaaaay too much of the spotlight (my fault, I'll readily admit) when it comes to speculation as to whom I'll end up dating next. If I ever make it known who I'm interested in, I think it puts a lot of undeserved pressure and attention on her, something I'd never ever dream of wanting to inflict on her, esp if I claimed to love her. To the one whom I've confided my secret affections in, that person will never be able to look at the girl in the same light again, and it might even in some way affect their own friendship.
So, forgive me if I never ever come right out to admit if I like someone, or who it is. Quite a number have read my past few posts, and speculated that my tone and voice would indicate that I currently carry a torch for someone. One has even speculated that my recent 'depression', which was presumably picked up from my blog's tone, was due to my unrequited affections, which I in turn blogged about.
Be that as it may. Naturally, I won't admit to anything, be it true or false. But I guess the facts remain the same - between work and ministry, not to mention school and family, its gotta be a girl who wants me really bad in return, to even consider starting a relationship, much less an affection that's just one-sided. So whether or not there's someone on my mind, I don't see myself getting attached for the next three yrs.
Hehz.. so there you go.
Maybe that explains my melancholia.
After all, after a hard day's work and study, you kindda all the more wish there was someone to go home to. To have a voice on the phone to look forward to, and a person behind that voice that provides me with a point of focus so I don't get lost in the flurry of my activities. To somehow stare in the face the fact that it will be denied me till I've passed through this valley on my own, can be a pretty daunting task. No one says I have to go through it with an affected smile and positivism.
Perhaps next month some things will improve, or even if it doesn't, maybe my mood will somehow perk up.
*shrug*
I shall bide my time.
And for all those who visit this site, thanks for your concern and questions. Do bide my time with me.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Where Is The Love?
I've been gently chided for quite a few times now, for overly fixating on relationships. Yet they seem to find me, every corner I turn. Just this day alone, one of the girls in the office told me she was so upset with something she found out abt her recent ex that she couldn't eat her dinner and breakfast. The same day *someone* told me he's just been dumped again for the hundredth time. Hopefully it for the last time. *keeps fingers crossed* Grins. And *someone* moped a little about the futility of liking someone when the feeling isn't reciprocated, voicing the tears and frustrations of a billion lonely people oue there in the planet, with me right up there on the same list.
It seems that everywhere I go, the issue comes up. Mebbe its like what I told Henry - lonely hearts know what its like to 'grieve with those who grieve', when the intense feelings of desire are trapped somewhere in between the compulsion to confess the feelings and hope it will be reciprocated, and the resignation that one would rather remain friends than run the risk of losing even the friendship of the apple of one's eye. Thus the guessing game goes on, everyone assuming that theirs is the unreciprocated feelings. I know. I've been there. The compulsion to hold back all my own emotions, and unload it to my dog/blog, while on the outside never ever showing a trace of how I really felt towards the girl. Drives you crazy. I guess in a way those were fond memories, cos a lot of the romance lies in the ambiguity. Without condoning their act, mebbe that's why men often lose their initiative once they've gotten the girl.
Spekaing of grieving with those with grieve, Joseph's grandmother passed away rather suddenly on early wed morning, abt 1am. In a way it was very abrupt, despite the fact that she lived to a grand 99 yrs old, since she was actually perfectly healthy, with no medical history or indication prior to her massive heart attack on sunday. With the wedding less than a month away, it came as double to blow to Jo who is very very very attached to his grandma, since she's always voiced that watching him walk down the aisle was her greatest desire.
I've been to funerals where old friends meet up and catch up, with a lot of laughter in between. Mebbe its cos the family tries to lighten up the atmosphere out of courtesy. Or perhaps for them, the worst has already passed, and the funeral always takes place during the window when they're more numb to their loss. But of all pple, Joseph Sim who hardly ever displays a weak moment (except, perhaps in DotA, where he can't really help it... hehz...), his grief was written all over his face, as well as over the faces of his two sisters. It was hard to watch him struggle to keep his emotions in check as he related to us what happened, and the sorrow he tried to mask were written all over his face. It was hard not to tear a little inside, seeing him struggle to come to terms with the loss, and struggle to get a grip on himself.
I guess as I left the wake, on my way back, it finally struck me that that was really how one grieves with those who grieves. To somehow at one level be able to feel one's loss as if it were one's own, and by doing so, be able to bridge the gap between one person and another, and stand side by side to each other.
Diana even tried calling me, after which she messaged to ask how I am. Was pretty sweet of her. Perhaps I've really been sounding a little too morose lately. Quite a few have asked. I always reply that it might just be my tiredness making me more sorry for myself than usual... and yes, I really do think so. I'm actually really alright in many ways. Yet on the other hand, with everything that's going around me, not even counting what's going on inside me... perhaps I really am right to withdraw and take time out to sort myself out. if I had maniacally gone on as I always did, this week would really have killed me. My time inside my shell now puts me in the right place to reach out to those around me.
Work's been pretty goos to me so far. Am having fun somehow, despipte the rather dry and repetitive task. Made a good fren, and we help each other stay awake and chat away our time. Too tired to say more abt the job already.
Another time perhaps.
It seems that everywhere I go, the issue comes up. Mebbe its like what I told Henry - lonely hearts know what its like to 'grieve with those who grieve', when the intense feelings of desire are trapped somewhere in between the compulsion to confess the feelings and hope it will be reciprocated, and the resignation that one would rather remain friends than run the risk of losing even the friendship of the apple of one's eye. Thus the guessing game goes on, everyone assuming that theirs is the unreciprocated feelings. I know. I've been there. The compulsion to hold back all my own emotions, and unload it to my dog/blog, while on the outside never ever showing a trace of how I really felt towards the girl. Drives you crazy. I guess in a way those were fond memories, cos a lot of the romance lies in the ambiguity. Without condoning their act, mebbe that's why men often lose their initiative once they've gotten the girl.
Spekaing of grieving with those with grieve, Joseph's grandmother passed away rather suddenly on early wed morning, abt 1am. In a way it was very abrupt, despite the fact that she lived to a grand 99 yrs old, since she was actually perfectly healthy, with no medical history or indication prior to her massive heart attack on sunday. With the wedding less than a month away, it came as double to blow to Jo who is very very very attached to his grandma, since she's always voiced that watching him walk down the aisle was her greatest desire.
I've been to funerals where old friends meet up and catch up, with a lot of laughter in between. Mebbe its cos the family tries to lighten up the atmosphere out of courtesy. Or perhaps for them, the worst has already passed, and the funeral always takes place during the window when they're more numb to their loss. But of all pple, Joseph Sim who hardly ever displays a weak moment (except, perhaps in DotA, where he can't really help it... hehz...), his grief was written all over his face, as well as over the faces of his two sisters. It was hard to watch him struggle to keep his emotions in check as he related to us what happened, and the sorrow he tried to mask were written all over his face. It was hard not to tear a little inside, seeing him struggle to come to terms with the loss, and struggle to get a grip on himself.
I guess as I left the wake, on my way back, it finally struck me that that was really how one grieves with those who grieves. To somehow at one level be able to feel one's loss as if it were one's own, and by doing so, be able to bridge the gap between one person and another, and stand side by side to each other.
Diana even tried calling me, after which she messaged to ask how I am. Was pretty sweet of her. Perhaps I've really been sounding a little too morose lately. Quite a few have asked. I always reply that it might just be my tiredness making me more sorry for myself than usual... and yes, I really do think so. I'm actually really alright in many ways. Yet on the other hand, with everything that's going around me, not even counting what's going on inside me... perhaps I really am right to withdraw and take time out to sort myself out. if I had maniacally gone on as I always did, this week would really have killed me. My time inside my shell now puts me in the right place to reach out to those around me.
Work's been pretty goos to me so far. Am having fun somehow, despipte the rather dry and repetitive task. Made a good fren, and we help each other stay awake and chat away our time. Too tired to say more abt the job already.
Another time perhaps.
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Aww...
I swear that all this wedding talk day in day out amongst the twenty-thousand-except-me who are getting married is all getting to me. Today Joseph was singing love songs to my sis at the dinner table in front of both our sets of parents, and even his own elder sister. *cringe*
Forever Valentines’
Red roses were her favorites, her name was also Rose.
And every year her husband sent them, tied with pretty bows.
The year he died, the roses were delivered to her door.
The card said, "Be my Valentine," like all the years before.
Each year he sent her roses, and the note would always say,
"I love you even more this year, than last year on this day."
"My love for you will always grow, with every passing year."
She knew this was the last time that the roses would appear.
She thought, he ordered roses in advance before this day.
Her loving husband did not know, that he would pass away.
He always liked to do things early, way before the time.
Then, if he got too busy, everything would work out fine.
She trimmed the stems, and placed them in a very special vase.
Then, sat the vase beside the portrait of his smiling face.
She would sit for hours, in her husband's favorite chair.
While staring at his picture, and the roses sitting there.
A year went by, and it was hard to live without her mate.
With loneliness and solitude, that had become her fate.
Then, the very hour, as on Valentines before,
The doorbell rang, and there were roses, sitting by her door.
She brought the roses in, and then just looked at them in shock.
Then, went to get the telephone, to call the florist shop.
The owner answered, and she asked him, if he would explain,
Why would someone do this to her, causing her such pain?
"I know your husband passed away, more than a year ago," The owner said,
"I knew you'd call, and you would want to know."
"The flowers you received today, were paid for in advance."
"Your husband always planned ahead, he left nothing to chance."
"There is a standing order, that I have on file down here,
And he has paid, well in advance, you'll get them every year.
There also is another thing, that I think you should know,
He wrote a special little card...he did this years ago."
"Then, should ever, I find out that he's no longer here,
That's the card...that should be sent, to you the following year."
She thanked him and hung up the phone, her tears now flowing hard.
Her fingers shaking, as she slowly reached to get the card.
Inside the card, she saw that he had written her a note.
Then, as she stared in total silence, this is what he wrote...
"Hello my love, I know it's been a year since I've been gone,
I hope it hasn't been too hard for you to overcome."
"I know it must be lonely, and the pain is very real.
For if it was the other way, I know how I would feel.
The love we shared made everything so beautiful in life.
I loved you more than words can say, you were the perfect wife."
"You were my friend and lover, you fulfilled my every need.
I know it's only been a year, but please try not to grieve.
I want you to be happy, even when you shed your tears.
That is why the roses will be sent to you for years."
"When you get these roses, think of all the happiness,
That we had together, and how both of us were blessed.
I have always loved you and I know I always will.
But, my love, you must go on, you have some living still."
"Please...try to find happiness, while living out your days.
I know it is not easy, but I hope you find some ways.
The roses will come every year, and they will only stop,
When your door's not answered, when the florist stops to knock."
"He will come five times that day, in case you have gone out.
But after his last visit, he will know without a doubt,
To take the roses to the place, where I've instructed him,
And place the roses where we are, together once again."
Red roses were her favorites, her name was also Rose.
And every year her husband sent them, tied with pretty bows.
The year he died, the roses were delivered to her door.
The card said, "Be my Valentine," like all the years before.
Each year he sent her roses, and the note would always say,
"I love you even more this year, than last year on this day."
"My love for you will always grow, with every passing year."
She knew this was the last time that the roses would appear.
She thought, he ordered roses in advance before this day.
Her loving husband did not know, that he would pass away.
He always liked to do things early, way before the time.
Then, if he got too busy, everything would work out fine.
She trimmed the stems, and placed them in a very special vase.
Then, sat the vase beside the portrait of his smiling face.
She would sit for hours, in her husband's favorite chair.
While staring at his picture, and the roses sitting there.
A year went by, and it was hard to live without her mate.
With loneliness and solitude, that had become her fate.
Then, the very hour, as on Valentines before,
The doorbell rang, and there were roses, sitting by her door.
She brought the roses in, and then just looked at them in shock.
Then, went to get the telephone, to call the florist shop.
The owner answered, and she asked him, if he would explain,
Why would someone do this to her, causing her such pain?
"I know your husband passed away, more than a year ago," The owner said,
"I knew you'd call, and you would want to know."
"The flowers you received today, were paid for in advance."
"Your husband always planned ahead, he left nothing to chance."
"There is a standing order, that I have on file down here,
And he has paid, well in advance, you'll get them every year.
There also is another thing, that I think you should know,
He wrote a special little card...he did this years ago."
"Then, should ever, I find out that he's no longer here,
That's the card...that should be sent, to you the following year."
She thanked him and hung up the phone, her tears now flowing hard.
Her fingers shaking, as she slowly reached to get the card.
Inside the card, she saw that he had written her a note.
Then, as she stared in total silence, this is what he wrote...
"Hello my love, I know it's been a year since I've been gone,
I hope it hasn't been too hard for you to overcome."
"I know it must be lonely, and the pain is very real.
For if it was the other way, I know how I would feel.
The love we shared made everything so beautiful in life.
I loved you more than words can say, you were the perfect wife."
"You were my friend and lover, you fulfilled my every need.
I know it's only been a year, but please try not to grieve.
I want you to be happy, even when you shed your tears.
That is why the roses will be sent to you for years."
"When you get these roses, think of all the happiness,
That we had together, and how both of us were blessed.
I have always loved you and I know I always will.
But, my love, you must go on, you have some living still."
"Please...try to find happiness, while living out your days.
I know it is not easy, but I hope you find some ways.
The roses will come every year, and they will only stop,
When your door's not answered, when the florist stops to knock."
"He will come five times that day, in case you have gone out.
But after his last visit, he will know without a doubt,
To take the roses to the place, where I've instructed him,
And place the roses where we are, together once again."
Monday, September 26, 2005
History Lessons
Couple of lines from a very very old song is sticking in my head.
"I took the sweet life, I never knew I would be bitter from the sweet,
I've spent my life exploring the subtle whoring that costs too much to be free."
Past few weeks have seen me slowly withdrawing more and more into a shell, and take time out to again find myself. Been again asking myself how much of my life would have diffferent if I had taken another road. The things that I thought would bring me closer to what I wanted, and the subsequent consequences that only leaves me three steps behind where I started... (this alluding to a lot more than my r/s, by the way. I've my share of regrets in this life, and then some.)
And how I compensate by trivialising my life, with my hollow smiles and wise-cracks, willing myself to believe that if I make light of my losses, then light will be the price I paid for all my regrets. The brash and reckless manner I many times chose to blunder into a mistake and then bullishly try to stay the course, somehow cruelly deceiving myself into believing that two wrongs make a right, that if I but stay with my mistake all the way, things will turn out well in the end.
No matter how many fresh starts I make, I guess it never changes the past. All it can change is the future, that I remind myself of my misspent youth, and the heavy cost of it has exacted upon me. Someone once said that until we learn from history's mistakes, we will be forced to repeat it. The cycles of my life thus far have been nothing short of the fulfillment of such a prophecy. And the temptation remains strong in me to retain this almost habitual self-destructive tendency. Thoughts of throwing away the lessons I learnt, to with reckless abandon give in to the desires of my heart, to throw caution to the wind and gamble using my life as the stakes, and to continue to live in the fantasy that more wrongs will create more rights.
I always did suck at history.
"I took the sweet life, I never knew I would be bitter from the sweet,
I've spent my life exploring the subtle whoring that costs too much to be free."
Past few weeks have seen me slowly withdrawing more and more into a shell, and take time out to again find myself. Been again asking myself how much of my life would have diffferent if I had taken another road. The things that I thought would bring me closer to what I wanted, and the subsequent consequences that only leaves me three steps behind where I started... (this alluding to a lot more than my r/s, by the way. I've my share of regrets in this life, and then some.)
And how I compensate by trivialising my life, with my hollow smiles and wise-cracks, willing myself to believe that if I make light of my losses, then light will be the price I paid for all my regrets. The brash and reckless manner I many times chose to blunder into a mistake and then bullishly try to stay the course, somehow cruelly deceiving myself into believing that two wrongs make a right, that if I but stay with my mistake all the way, things will turn out well in the end.
No matter how many fresh starts I make, I guess it never changes the past. All it can change is the future, that I remind myself of my misspent youth, and the heavy cost of it has exacted upon me. Someone once said that until we learn from history's mistakes, we will be forced to repeat it. The cycles of my life thus far have been nothing short of the fulfillment of such a prophecy. And the temptation remains strong in me to retain this almost habitual self-destructive tendency. Thoughts of throwing away the lessons I learnt, to with reckless abandon give in to the desires of my heart, to throw caution to the wind and gamble using my life as the stakes, and to continue to live in the fantasy that more wrongs will create more rights.
I always did suck at history.
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Of Trials And Of Thanksgivings
Discovered belatedly someone called Janice, who has been writing columns for the now defunct STREATS for a few years, and had collected some of her writings into a book that's just been released, called "SPG - Single Picky Girl". And I've been utterly smitten with some of the stuff written in it. Naturally, its a book dedicated to musings on love and life, waxing eloquently on a lot of the issues that dating and single people face, both publicly and privately.
You can go read a sampling here - www.janice-wong.com
Anyway, these few days have been really morose times. Everyone around me seems to be pretty much down in the dumps, depressed, dejected, tired out from work, worn out from their relationships, generally depressed as always... you get the picture. And instead of the usual group huddle where we lament and pour out stories of our own martyrdom to each other, we've somehow more or less all been strangely keeping from each other. Or mebbe its just been me. Been shutting down and shutting out a little more than I do lately. (Oh by the way, the song "Jian Ai" is for JL, as promised. You'll get to hear it if I finally managed to load the blasted thing into angelfire, which apparently is down again. *fingers crossed*)
Even Xiying's blog is on the topic of worrying and fretting over much in life.
Makes me wonder if there are seasons to this kindda stuff. Some form of global karma that determines the emotional mood that we all experience. Or mebbe there really is meant to be some balance in the 'force'. So in some corner of the world someone now is unbearably happy and jubilant, so we all have to cut back on our own dosage of joy and geniality.
Or we could continue to blame it on the weather. Or flog our spiritual self for being so untrusting towards God, forsaking our hope in Him that ought to have made us glad and lifted us out of our gloom/doom. Or blame it on our lack of a fulfilling love life, that ought to have completed us and made us whole.
There's this one line in Janice's writing that really struck me. She wrote abt the how our partners are never meant to complete us - but just complement us. Our lives ought to find completion within our selves, and be independent of another human being in that aspect. What our partners shd be doing is to complement us, to walk beside us to the effect of making us better people.
Or mebbe its as someone told me today, that she's just going through a phase where she passes through a valley in her emotional life, and she's just biding her time till she sees sun again.
Or whatever else reasons there might be.
I'm just gonna take tonight, irregardless of what's been going on around me, within me and to me, and just take this night to count my blessings. For the things that I ought to have sat down to give thanks for but failed to, for the things that I believe if I give it due considerations I'd learn to appreciate what really transpired and be grateful for it, and for the things that I should note so that whether it be in the near or distant future, I'd learn to be thankful when I see how the gloom has resolved itself into something beautiful.
And after that, hang on tight and continue to bide my own time in my own seemingly endless valley of emotions, till the day I see the light again.
You can go read a sampling here - www.janice-wong.com
Anyway, these few days have been really morose times. Everyone around me seems to be pretty much down in the dumps, depressed, dejected, tired out from work, worn out from their relationships, generally depressed as always... you get the picture. And instead of the usual group huddle where we lament and pour out stories of our own martyrdom to each other, we've somehow more or less all been strangely keeping from each other. Or mebbe its just been me. Been shutting down and shutting out a little more than I do lately. (Oh by the way, the song "Jian Ai" is for JL, as promised. You'll get to hear it if I finally managed to load the blasted thing into angelfire, which apparently is down again. *fingers crossed*)
Even Xiying's blog is on the topic of worrying and fretting over much in life.
Makes me wonder if there are seasons to this kindda stuff. Some form of global karma that determines the emotional mood that we all experience. Or mebbe there really is meant to be some balance in the 'force'. So in some corner of the world someone now is unbearably happy and jubilant, so we all have to cut back on our own dosage of joy and geniality.
Or we could continue to blame it on the weather. Or flog our spiritual self for being so untrusting towards God, forsaking our hope in Him that ought to have made us glad and lifted us out of our gloom/doom. Or blame it on our lack of a fulfilling love life, that ought to have completed us and made us whole.
There's this one line in Janice's writing that really struck me. She wrote abt the how our partners are never meant to complete us - but just complement us. Our lives ought to find completion within our selves, and be independent of another human being in that aspect. What our partners shd be doing is to complement us, to walk beside us to the effect of making us better people.
Or mebbe its as someone told me today, that she's just going through a phase where she passes through a valley in her emotional life, and she's just biding her time till she sees sun again.
Or whatever else reasons there might be.
I'm just gonna take tonight, irregardless of what's been going on around me, within me and to me, and just take this night to count my blessings. For the things that I ought to have sat down to give thanks for but failed to, for the things that I believe if I give it due considerations I'd learn to appreciate what really transpired and be grateful for it, and for the things that I should note so that whether it be in the near or distant future, I'd learn to be thankful when I see how the gloom has resolved itself into something beautiful.
And after that, hang on tight and continue to bide my own time in my own seemingly endless valley of emotions, till the day I see the light again.
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