6 Months Have Passed...

Almost six months have passed since my life unravelled in such a spectacular fashion.

Been spending this time re-looking at my life, and re-thinking everything that I have gone through. And a few things stick out:

Relationships:

The closest people that I have been around and who have been around me are those from church. If I were to count 20 of my closest friends, easily 19 of them would be from church. Yet in the aftermath of what happened, I found that I’ve lost almost all of them. Now, of course in that list there will be those I’ve hurt and betrayed. Naturally the instinctive understanding of them is that I should not expect them to care for me anymore. And I understand that. But I beg to differ.

There are 2 basic ways to respond to what has happened. People are free to think “WTF! He’s such a jerk! To think all this while I’ve treated him as a friend, and he turned out to be this vile pervert. I no longer wish to see him. I’m done with him.” They would be perfectly within their rights to think so. However, I also know that there are friends who react differently. They say “WTF! He actually did that? What an asshole. But hang on, that’s not the same Peng I know. I dun deny that he did all that, but there’s definitely a very big gap between the person I know and what he did. And since I care for him, I want to know what happened to him.”

Am I being idealistic? Maybe so. But if my sister had wronged me heinously, I would still want to meet her, and talk to her directly. She’s family, and I want to find out for myself what happened. I wouldn’t settle for just what I heard. And so I guess the first disappointment I have is that it seems like the church wasn’t family at all, after all. My pastor asked to meet, then cancelled on me, never to arrange another meet up. My church elder met up with me, only to be surprised to hear me say that over the years, I had tried many times to repent and stop doing what I did. It made me wonder how big a jerk he thought I was, and how long he’d been thinking so. My other church elder met me once, and then never again got in touch. Now there’s only 3 persons left in this church I’ve devoted my life to, who still keep in touch. Nobody else in my “close circle” has even bothered to directly ask me what happened, or to find out what happened.

Now, I know I sound incredibly self-centred. But I don’t think that just because I feel remorse towards the community for the way I’ve let them down, I no longer have the right to feel disappointed at them for the way they have responded to the situation. Before, I always worry that I was too jaded, that the church community I devoted myself to has many qualities, and we had genuine relationships. Yet on hindsight, I find myself vindicated in my opinion that I was never really very highly valued as a friend (let’s not even talk about being a brother). I was good for all the operational requirements that the church needed, and so it was only right that there was some reciprocation for all I had done. Yet none of that mattered once they felt offended by what I did. All of a sudden, the only thing left was anger and disappointment – followed by estrangement.

Michael Card once wrote “Only a friend can betray a friend”. And I find myself wondering – how much of a friend was I? If nobody questioned the gap between the person they know and what they heard, how well did they really know or care for me? And if I wasn’t that much of a friend, wherefore comes the hurt and disappointment? There should only be anger.

And therein lies the dreaded conclusion: there is only anger towards me. And so I guess there wasn’t ever a genuine relationship.

Me & God:

A very natural result of my estrangement with the church community would be my estrangement with God. There have been those who tried to urge me to return to God. And I know there’s also a part of me that’s asking myself how long more do I wish to avoid God. But at the moment, God remains too distant for me.

A brother from the Men’s Ministry tried to get in touch with me, and showed his concern for me. Throughout the dinner he empathized with me, showed concern, and urged me to return to God. He invited me to one of his meetings, sharing that there are godly brothers who would like to pray for me.  I declined, and told him it was too soon. Another invitation came along, followed by another. After a month, the invitations stopped. As did the concern.

I find myself wondering how the story would end if Jesus had invited the woman at the well to come to the temple and be prayed for. If he hadn’t stayed and talked to her, and showed a concern for her personal life. And yet many times the church only seems capable of agenda driven concern (Or maybe I should use “Purpose Driven” Concern. It seems more trendy in the church context.).

The truth is, the church is the physical manifestation of Christ. When the church has professed such an extreme estrangement towards me, I am unable to detach it from my relationship with God. And even if I tried to restore my relationship with God, there would be no context for me, since there is no longer a community I can serve.

In Short:

In the last 6 months, it feels like a very heavy burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I no longer busy myself incessantly with ministry, with church. I now spend my weekends resting with the wife, recharging and restoring our relationship. And the more I detach myself from the church community and context, the more understand why the world feels it doesn’t need God.

The problem isn’t God. I know that. He is still the same God as before my world collapsed. I still believe He is real. And He is there, watching me as I type this.

But right now I find it close to impossible to go back to Him, because I still feel my life might be in a lesser mess if I had never known him. Maybe the disappointments and burdens of my baggage with Grace, Andrew, Zhang Mushi, tuanqi, youth service, and even PPCFC… maybe if all these had been removed from my life, I would not have fallen into the sort of pseudo depression that contributed to my deviant behaviour.

Maybe.

Demons In the Closet

As my world suddenly shrinks into a very small confinement, there is a palpable sense of relief that the demons I've been battling for so long have finally come out, that I can finally shed the burden of having led a double life for so long. There is also the equally palpable sense that my world has shrunk significantly, and soon enough will shrink into the size of a cell.

Nonetheless, in the midst of this time of crisis, where I am forced to confront the reality that my safe haven, that make-believe world which I had retreated to for escape - I have to face up to the fact that this fantasy world has had real-world consequences. Not only have I betrayed the love of all those around me, I also have all the time in the world to now indulge in self-loathing and despair. 

Its been such a whirlwind couple of weeks, as everything had to grind to a sudden halt. I've been forced to face up to the fact that I really need help to re-look at what is real and what is not. For example, in one of the few conversations I've had with a friend recently, I was amazed to realise that it really isn't normal to spend all day having suicidal thoughts. I've had them for over 12 years, and always thought it was the most normal thing to do. After all, do people not really live in constant pain as I do? Do people really feel that life is worth living? Are they not simply doing what I do, putting up a show everyday for the sake of those around us?

Some people have been quick to point out to me that the world hasn't ended. That this will pass. They profess a commitment to stick by me. They remind me to repent and seek God. And I am left with no words to say. Not because I am overwhelmed by their posture of concern for me. Conversely, I don't know how to react to such grace with gratitude while telling them that they have no clue what I'm going through. 

What I did was vile. It was fully deserving of what I have now coming to me. For what I did, I paid the price of a life ruined. For all the lost years I sought to redeem, I find myself even further behind the starting line now. And I will have plenty left to answer for, and plenty more to pay when sentencing comes. And so the reality is, trivialising what has happened by saying it shall pass actually sounds deeply offensive to me. My world deserves to end, and so does my life. If it doesn't, that just shows that God is not done punishing and toying with me yet. 

Which brings me to my second point. My wife asks me how I could summon up the nerve to rail at God when I invited all this upon myself. Well, the point is, He could have stopped me from doing all this. The same way He could have prevented any of the victims from being inflicted with this offence. In the days since this has happened, I find myself struggling to answer questions. 

The most commonly asked is "Why did you do such a thing? Didn't you consider the people you would hurt?" And the honest truth is, what I did was borne out of emotion, rather than thought. To say that I was not in control of myself when I did it sounds like an easy escape for me, as though I am shirking responsibility. So I find myself trapped and unable to answer without sounding like a dick. But in all my reflections, I am confronted with the scary thought that in the same way an alcoholic could not control himself, I doubt I could have stopped myself even if I had "stopped to think". On hindsight, if I had sought therapy earlier to deal with the pain and self-defeating demons in my head, that could have prevented all this from happening. But hindsight is always too late.

So at the end of the day, I conclude that I have no one but myself to blame. It was my actions that hurt and damaged the lives of so many that cared for me and whom I cared for. Even if they shut me out of their lives, I would not be able to shut the self loathing out of my head. So on top of the demons that still battle everyday in my head, a new one has joined the fray.

So remind me again - how will things get better? How has life become much more worth living?

Someone said I need to be strong and brave - face life and move on. I find myself thinking in my head... perhaps it is cowardice that is preventing me from taking my life. One day if I ever find the courage that I have been encouraged to find, then maybe tomorrow will stop coming, and the pain will cease.

Maybe.

Thanks For Everything...

This week has seen Singaporeans united in a way that has not been seen in a long time. The pervasive air of grief is almost tangible, especially on Monday morning as most Singaporeans woke up to the inevitable news that Lee Kuan Yew had finally succumbed to his illness and passed away. It was as if all Singaporeans had been orphaned in one fell stroke, and nearly everybody found solidarity in a common sense of loss. 

Here was a giant of a man, who carved the first generation of Singaporeans into his very likeness – pragmatic and determined, allowing nothing to distract from the goal of establishing the long term future of this young nation. The older generation who witnessed the transformation of Singapore would be quick to recognize the leadership he provided, even as some might argue that the ideas and contributions were not his but in fact of his team. The bottom line is, any football club would tell you that talented individuals are meaningless without the direction of a strong leader. The debate on who deserves the credit for policies and effort is almost a moot point in this respect. No one doubts the fact that he ran his party with the same iron fist that he used to run the nation. Nothing was done without his overview and consent. 

There will always be a lot of debate regarding the man, who was vilified in his life as much as he was venerated. Perhaps the merits of both arguments had to do with which end of his policies each fell under. He had always insisted that nation building required the sacrifice of the individual for the good of the many. Even as western nations castigated him for his human rights record, it is remarkable during a time like this to witness the genuine outpouring of grief and affection for him. (As I write this, the latest recommendation from the authorities is to stop showing up to pay our respects at the Parliament House, as the waiting time is already approximately 8 hours.) A harsh and demanding parent he might have been, but his children recognized ultimately that everything he did, he did for the sake of their future. As one writer so succinctly said, it is hard for anyone who loves Singapore to feel anything except a profound sorrow at the death of a man who more than anything else epitomized a love for Singapore.

It is a brave new world that we now step into as Singaporeans, as the chapter finally closes on the greatest son that Singapore had ever produced. We will need to look ahead to establish our own future. But I count myself lucky that I lived during his lifetime, and was able to witness a little of how he transformed Singapore. It is time now once again, for the Next Lap.

Some Things I Learnt About Myself

Working on Projects Alone – I don’t do well in groups, I either end up doing all of it, or get totally ignored.  

Autonomy – I hate being constantly directed, I want to see what needs to be done and do it in my own way in my own order  

Projects not Hours – I hate stopping when I’m in the flow, and I hate having to hang around when there’s nothing to do. I’ll put in a lot of extra work if you let me, but don’t make me waste my time pretending to look busy just because you want a body there during ‘work hours’.  

Free Schedule – I need to be respected to have my own life and priorities. I will do the work – but does it really matter when? I hate having to eat when I’m not hungry, or not be able to take a break at an opportune stopping point.  

Creativity & Intelligence – I need to be allowed to come up with creative solutions and ideas and have them listened to and appreciated. I hate being treated like an idiot just because I don’t have a big pay-check.  

Personal – not Impersonal – I hate the impersonal ‘business’ attitude  

My Own Space - I need to have a pleasing personal environment, some place I can feel comfortable in order to be able to feel positive and stay energized and focused. Working in drab, company standard environments, or having to listen to popular music all day makes me angry and depressed and distracted and….I just break down very fast.  

Ideals & Values – I can’t invest in or promote things I don’t believe in, I can’t be asked to go against my values  

Positive People – A negative critical atmosphere really takes the life out of me, strained feelings in the air make me physically ill. I need to know that I am appreciated.  

Security - stress over money is not something I do well with, being afriad of not being able to pay my bills tends to immobilize me and distract me from creative inspiration.

The End of a Dynasty

Guess all good things come to an end. Thanks for the memories, Sir Alex. Success may not last, but long may the memories of what you have given.

A Prayer

Lord, so much has been said about Kong Hee and the use/misuse of church funds. So much outrage, condemnations and comments on the internet of the most vitriolic kind have been seen and heard in all quarters. Non-Christians have gleefully attacked your church. Your own people are once again divided amongst themselves, many choosing to cast stones whilst others cast them back. Whether its in Singapore or out of Singapore, the sense of indignation is extreme.

Lord, what exactly breaks your heart in this whole incident?

Are you pleased when you see your people choosing not to condone wrong-doing by speaking out so publicly against him? Are you glad that we are mindful of right and wrong, and carry a righteous indignation when we see your church being smeared because of the sins of a few individuals?

Are you truly pleased when you see this?

Or does it break your heart when you see us trampling under our feet the kind of grace and forgiveness that you modeled for us when the adulteress was brought before you? Does it pain you when you see your church killing its wounded instead of healing and restoring? Does it hurt more than the pain of seeing someone you raised up let you down so spectacularly?

Lord, what breaks your heart when you look down on us?

Forgive us Lord, for still not understanding your love. Forgive us because we still don’t understand that we are fellow sinners in need of the grace that you so freely gave. Forgive us for our pride, in thinking that we are in a position to nail someone else to the cross just like how we nailed you there. Forgive us for presuming that the offence was against us instead of you, and forgetting that the money he might have misused was never ours in the first place.

O Lord, we are indeed so undeserving of your loving kindness. How quickly we forget, how quickly do we turn our eyes away from you, and quickly embrace once more the ways of the world. You want us to act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with you, yet we so often do the opposite. We excuse our own sins as “faults”, then accuse others of “sins”, carrying around us the pride that thinks we are in a position to judge.  

Lord, help us to see through your eyes. Break us of our pride that we might be transformed into a different person, into that certain kind which you so desire for us to become. Perhaps, when we can achieve that breakthrough, the world will recognize you when they look at us.

Faith and Prayer

Faith is such an abused word. We throw that word around with seeming conviction, yet it more often than not only leads to confusion. More often than not, we confuse “faith” with a “positive attitude”. Instead of praying that God’s will be done, we muster up all the mental prowess at our disposal, and try to will our prayer requests into effect instead.

So what exactly is prayer? When we are taught to pray in faith, what does that mean? How does it actually work?

I believe that at the core of all this confusion is a fundamentally flawed assumption that to have faith means to believe God will answer according to our requests. If that were true, you’d find me fasting 40 days and 40 nights, asking God for Fiona Xie and a hundred million bucks! Of course we all know that to be a ridiculous request that God won’t answer. (sob sob…)

But the principle behind why God won’t answer such a prayer isn’t because its ridiculous. Its because its not in line with His Kingdom plan. If my marrying Fiona Xie was part of His plan to bring millions to Christ, you can bet my bottom (100 million) dollars that He would have answered my prayers before I even asked! And I firmly believe that this is the fundamental principle behind prayer. That’s why we were taught to pray “according to God’s will”, and Jesus’ prayers said “Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven” and “Not my will but yours be done”.

I could go on. The Bible is littered with examples of the sort of prayers we should be making, all in the same line of thought. This might sound harsh, but as with all things we slowly realize in our spiritual journey, life is really all about being God-centric instead of being self-centric. In other words, the things we should pray about if we want to pray according to God’s will, should all be about God’s Kingdom.

What about my bad day at work, my injured elbow or my poor aging grandmother in the hospital with pneumonia? Does this mean God doesn’t give a crap, and I shouldn’t bother? Of course not! The bible also says “cast all your cares upon Him because He cares for you.” We should be free to come to God with EVERYTHING that’s in our heart. (Yes, even the lustful thoughts I’m having about Fiona Xie as I type out this blog entry on prayer.)

We should and we must, go to God and be open. After all, it's a dangerous thing to think that we can hide anything from Him. If its legitimate, tell Him. If its not legitimate, confess to Him. But one of the most important exercises in our personal prayer life is to be able to go to God and expose ourselves without any reserve. Doing so doesn’t change a thing as far as God is concerned since He already knows everything, but it sure helps hone our awareness that any pretenses we have all fall away in His presence.

I should stop rambling.
Yes, we need to go to God for everything. There’s nothing wrong there. But we need to do so with the acute awareness of what requests are kingdom-centric, and what requests are self-centric. So what about faith? Does this mean therefore that we can be confident of prayers for kingdom-centric matters to be answered, even if self-centric requests might not? So we can be sure that our prayers for the mission trip ensures everything goes smoothly even if I might not get that promotion I was hoping for?

Wrong again.

We should never ever place our faith in the requests we make, nor place our faith in the belief that God will answer. I might be wrong to be so definitively exclusive here, but I firmly believe that the ONLY faith you should have when you pray, is that GOD IS A GOOD GOD. Here’s how it will look like:

I go to God everyday, praying with all sorts of prayer and petitions, reminding myself that being God-centric is a spiritual discipline. I pray for things that as a self-centric person I normally wouldn’t, and also bring before Him the things on my mind and the desires of my heart. I unload and unleash all of my cares and burdens on Him, sharing with Him like I would with a best friend. Then when its all said and done, I walk away feeling lighter. Do I still have cares and concerns? Of course! Does the tightness on my shoulders remain? Definitely! Has all my problems I prayed about been magically solved? Of course… not!! So what has changed?

I have.

I have spent time with the Almighty God, and counted it a privilege that He allows me to approach Him like this. I count it a blessing that He would care about things with practically zero cosmic consequences, but it matters to Him simply because it matters to me. And even though everything seems to have remained the same from ten minutes ago when I started praying, I have changed. I am reminded that God is a Good God. He is good regardless of whether or not He answers any of the requests I had just put before Him. He is good not because of what He will be doing for me. He is good even if NOTHING I pray for from now on gets answered.

He is good because of what He did for me in the past – He went on the cross to show how much He loves me. I need no further proof of that. And so even if He doesn’t answer my prayers, my faith isn’t shaken. I don’t need my prayers to be answered to decide if He is still a good God. I already know He is. And knowing how good He is, spurs me on towards being even more God-centric, both in my life and in my prayers.

And THAT, I believe, is what faith really should be.

Why train Disruptions Are A Big Deal

Singaporeans
Two stereotypes attributed to Singaporeans, are that of being too pampered/sheltered, and that of being overly fond of complaining. And even though that is tragically true way too often for my liking, I do feel that the uproar over the train disruptions are actually well justified, and not another just another instance of “Singaporeans being Singaporeans once more”. And this is why I think so:

Comparisons
One of the most commonly heard arguments against the uproar is that it is actually very common in other countries. If Tokyo and New York suffer constant train disruptions and don’t make a big deal, why are we complaining? Well, the fact is, I’m not just comparing with countries with a poorer track record. I’m not even comparing it with countries out there that might have a better track record than us (Germany and Switzerland come to mind). The fact is, every country’s transport system has its strengths. Some come on time and run like clockwork, some have a very efficient system, and others run for years without ever breaking down. And I understand that in return for such strengths, there are tradeoffs in other areas. No system is so spectacular that is trumps everyone else. So let’s not compare with others. I’m only asking that we compare with ourselves, and our past history. A downward spiral over the years surely points to poor management and ineptitude. Copious complaints of an overloaded system that have been ignored for years resulted in a massive breakdown that wasn’t a one-off incident, but actually repeated incidents over numerous days and on numerous service tracks. I believe the resulting public backlash has been pretty much a product of the proverbial ticking time bomb.

It’s a Long Story
I also believe that the public outcry is symptomatic of a population that has been driven to the brink of frustration by the leaders of the country. In other words, we need to look at the outcry from a bigger angle.

There is an unspoken recognition that Singapore is an extremely small hub, where almost all of its private and public leaders originate from a pro-PAP camp. You would hardly ever find anyone with an opposing political ideology occupying any position of significant influence, be it in the public sector or even in the pseudo-private enterprises. So after our senses become numbed to the reeling shocks of our recent failures, from Mas Selamat’s escape to the repeated floodings around our island, outrage has been brewing in the hearts of Singaporeans, flabbergasted at how we can be paying our leaders so much only to hear excuses in return for their repeated flops.

When the Government went against their mandate and built the casinos despite significant public opposition, they not only surrendered their credibility further, they effectively carved up a rift that alienated themselves from the people they promised to serve. When no one in the Government stood up to take responsibility for failings whenever they cropped up, choosing instead to all hide behind the same sorry excuse that “these things happen”, the public soon understood that these people weren’t leaders, they were career politicians.

Perhaps its unfortunate that the SMRT CEO has become the scapegoat for such pent up frustrations. I personally think she came across as being absolutely clueless in her handling of the crisis, and my grouse would more likely be with the committee that hired her. But the fact remains that a disruption of such a scale proved to the straw that broke the camel’s back, and culminated in such a severe uproar that it even prompted the PM to cancel his leave to personally take charge of limiting the damage (further highlighting the incompetence of the CEO at defusing the situation).

In Short
I believe it is too naïve and simplistic to simply chalk this up to a population “pampered by an efficient society who have grown intolerant”. It is the culmination of the growing worry and anger that the country is on a steady decline due to the lack of leadership in the country.

If I were to borrow from Hamlet, I would say many strongly feel that “something is rotten in the state of Singapore”.

R.I.P Steve Jobs

Damn You Auto Correct

I don't think I've laughed this hard at ANYTHING in such a long while...

A Poignant Weekend

So my birthday came and passed… with each passing year, I increasingly know who are my TRUE friends who still remember to wish me happy birthday, and idiots like Frodo who will prob one day 20 years from now read this and go “Wait a minute…. His birthday is in JULY???”

Anyways, it was a good weekend that just passed, where I visited CEFC again, and was once more struck by just how much this is a church that I would absolutely envision myself going. Once more, I felt that tug in my heart that called me to join the church, and finally stop feeling I’m putting on the Armor of God on Sundays because going to church is like going to war.

Trying hard not to sound like self-aggrandizement here, but the image that God put in me immediately when I again pondered on that temptation, was the story of the Transfiguration. It’s a familiar passage in the Bible, but one I fell in love with after reading Hind’s Feet on High Places. I felt like God was reminding me that the reason why He showed me something better on the mountaintop, was so that I could then once more go back down the valleys to tell the people. Maybe that’s the work He has for me in church.

Or maybe He just wants me to shut up and pray more. I’m sure that won’t hurt anyone.

Grins.

Anyways, it was an AWESOME service. From the powerful testimony by a domestic helper to Edmund Chan’s impassioned plea for the church to once again go back to basics and rediscover a love for God and his Word, and thereby rekindling the passion to tell the Good News, I can only say that it has been a long time since I felt God so powerfully connecting with me. I felt like Job, where after the silence I was hit by God with so many questions about the condition of my own spirit, and the condition of my own walk with Him. Even as the sermon was going on, and even as Edmund Chan was giving the altar call, I felt so much of my life surfacing once more, as if God was calling into account all the things He had shown me before, and asking what had I done with all the talents He had entrusted with me.

I felt myself broken, and crying not because I was touched by the sermon or the service. I felt, at first, a great fear that I had indeed been the servant who had buried the talent in the garden, for fear of failure, and the fear of losing it all. Then all I could feel was shame. Abject, wretched shame at how I had failed to make my life count despite so much that God had given to me. But of course, God who is always a gentleman, never leaves us with that. Once more I felt God reminding me that He is the one who redeems, and the one who restores that which was lost. He is the God who promises that when its all been said and done, all that matters is only that I have loved Him, and let my life reflect that love.

It was a very refreshing service, where I once again found my heart re-tenderized by Him. (Yes, I know the “re-tenderizing of my heart” will never make it into any Top Million Quotable Quotes. But it sound so apt!!)

The upcoming months are not going to be easy. I stand at one of the biggest crossroads of my life, where so many things are going to converge. Graduation, getting a job, getting married, and then my life begins the roller coaster that is ten years late in getting started. Maybe God knows, and so He used this Sunday’s service to remind me to utilize a little prescient hindsight, so that the decisions I make at this crossroad will be ones that demonstrate a love for Him, such that when I look back on my life, I would have been proud of the decisions I made standing at this crossroad.

If I Only Could Only Say ONE Thing

With all the talk recently about revamping and improving the church, and also the fact that I think we are circling the drain with regards to the Nurture Ministry, I think I’ve more than said my share. I still think that everything I said is important. After all, this is a complex issue that cannot be resolved with something as simple as a New Work Plan. However, I acknowledge that amongst the deluge of my feedback/complaints/constructive comments, there must lie ONE thing that is at the heart of everything else I’ve been trying to articulate.

And I need to find it.

You see, the fastest way to make sure no one notices anything you say, is to say everything. So if I am to ever be able to put my point across, I need to nail down my message.

A few things spring to mind. Firstly, I feel that there are a few things we are doing wrong. Our leadership fellowship (or rather, the lack of) is a glaring issue. We don’t seem to have very clearly defined values, or else we declare one set of values but live by another. The way we push for evangelism is very worrying. And our lack of a working communication model which is adhered to.

Hongli feels increasingly distant, and I think he’s never looked so glum before in church. And that’s worrying, because if there’s no communication between the leaders, then what sort of communication can we expect to ever be filtered down to the masses? I want to pose a challenge to our leaders to be able to have lunch together once a month, and NOT discuss work at all over lunch. I want to see how much of a challenge that is. Yet there is something seriously wrong with such a gathering, if the only topic they can revert back to after the awkward silence kicks in – is to discuss church matters. Of course, its fine to share church experiences. I’m not saying “church” should be a dirty word on such occasions. But if the conversation invariably revolves around the same issues as the meeting agendas, then the lunch has become a working lunch. And that’s really sad.

Our values. We talk about the importance of prayer. Yet our leaders repeatedly fail to show up for our prayer meetings. And its not a case of missing one or two. I think they’ve missed most of the year. We ritualistically mouth the words that our leaders are seeking God together when planning for our future, but all that goes on when they meet up is to discuss amongst themselves. Ask any seminary student and he’ll tell you that there are 2 fundamental ways to seek God – through the Word and through Prayer. Its so simple that I don’t know how else to put it. How is God ever to be moving in the church when the leadership pays merely lip service to our values?

Evangelism. I don’t know how to say this without making it sound bad. But I find how our church pushes for evangelism to be very annoying. And I think its putting the cart before the horse. Evangelism is a natural out working of a love for God. If we don’t spend any time at all teaching people to love God, how are we going to get them to tell others what it means to love God? Instead of nurturing people in their understanding of God, and then providing them with avenues to evangelize, we instead try our level best to get them to go evangelize, thinking that the experience will let them know God and love God. Yet the point is conveniently missed, that experiences generates only good feelings. It is the hard work of study and careful nurture that develops a deep and abiding love.

The last point is probably more of an admin problem. A proper communication model allows the leaders channels by which to be accountable to their sheep. Too often we operate on a need-to-know basis, whereby the involvement of the people merely rests with activities which they turn up for. I guess we need to learn from people in the service sector. As leaders, we need to be accountable to the people. This doesn’t mean simply ensuring that you don’t dip into the church fund to pay for your lunch, or confessing to the church after you do. This also means paying the price of inconvenience to keep the congregation up to date on the strategies and the reasons for the things we do. (My own hunch is that its not merely a question of convenience. IF we were to ever do so, the congregation would be horrified at how haphazardly our decisions and ministry emphasis can be set and then subsequently changed.)

So that’s abt it. The things that I think need fixing in our church. If we can sort them out, I’m sure there’ll be more things to complain over. But at least I could shut up about these things. Grins.

Two Handsome Dudes Out during CNY!!

Marriage Muses

I’ve just gone through another season of hearing stories from different people, of marriages that have gone horribly awry. The irony, naturally, being that I’ve just taken a MASSIVE step towards marriage myself, after acquiring a BTO flat with Weimin yesterday. As I sit down and think, I find myself asking God what is He trying to say to me?

Coupled with the fact that I had my first conversation with Grace in more than a year not too long ago, I am left with certain things that I keep musing over.

I used to think about marrying Grace all the time. It seemed the most natural thing in the world. I would be singing along to the Beach Boys song “Wouldn’t It be Nice”, and meaning every single word. I thought that as soon as we grew up and were financially viable, we could get married and our lives would be complete. Yet when that part of my life ended, I always assumed that it was the death of a part of me, and my belief in a love that could be so unconditional and true.

But maybe that’s not true. In fact, it seems God is increasingly showing me that He’s still preserving that part of me, and has not allowed it to die. Instead, He wants me to learn to from my mistakes. I am bidden to not awaken love until it so desires. It was sheer immaturity that made me so presumptuous about my previous relationship. The death of that relationship revealed to me just how far away I was from being ready to enter into a marriage. Love in the absence of maturity results in all the broken marriages that I hear of.

And so the recent spate of encounters I had with broken marriages is like a reminder from God not to once more tread in my own footsteps, but to take a good look at myself and ask how I am doing, in terms of preparing myself to be married. Of many recently married couples that I have seen, probably the only 2 that I could say for sure is ready to step up and lead in a marriage, would be Art and Yibin.

So with all these different factors for me to use to contrast against, (my failed r/s, all the broken marriages around me, the cloud of witnesses before me like Art and Yibin, my own current state of readiness, and what God seems to be leading me towards), I think there’s plenty for me to think about. I need to not procrastinate for the sake of procrastination, but I also shouldn’t rush headlong into marriage just because everyone says it’s the “next thing to do”.

That way, when I know God is telling me that I am ready, and Weimin is ready, I will really be ready to take the next step.

A Return to Biblical Worship!

Pastor Zhang again delivered a cracking sermon on Sunday, about the need for us to worship God in the way that He has dictated to us. In other words, he was exhorting us to return to Biblical Worship, as opposed to merely a diluted worship.

What a great sermon to follow up on his Nehemiah series! To doubly sweeten the whole experience, he was actually revealing the theme of 2011 for the church. “To return to Biblical Worship”. Usually, when he introduces the church’s theme for the year, I expect 45 minutes of agenda pushing to come up, something which I never did like. Yet this time, he managed to brilliantly marry the agenda with biblical exposition. The end result? A Word-centered sermon that called on people to respond to God, which coincided nicely with a theme that also calls for a return to the Word.

My heart was singing with gladness, since I was recently pushing for the Nurture Committee to take a good hard look at the level of biblical literacy we currently have in church, and to make that a priority for this year.

In my heart, I again heard the whisper of Edmund Chan, as he firmly declared that God is good, God is in control, and God will bring it to pass”!!

My First Ramble for the New Year!

Not too long ago, I was having a sort of conversation with someone in church, trying to get him/her to serve in a capacity that would require that person to be on stage.

I never expected the reply to be so familiar, since invariably the excuses I’m used to are usually the alleged lack of time or talent. Yet this person told me, “Its very stressful to be up there, where I feel that everyone is looking at me and listening to me. I have to try and practice so hard before I go up, that I get so stressed up over the whole business.”

Its familiar sounding because I realize that unknowingly, I have been leading worship for close to 9 years now, if not more. And the greatest resentment I had towards the church and towards my having to serve in that capacity, had to do with the fact that I felt very “judged”.

Worship is supposed to be about playing to an audience of One. It should never have been about me, my musicians, or about the quality of our music. Of course, if what we say is theologically wrong, or we have stumbled others by our words, then we should rightly be censured. However, I felt keenly the fact that people were more concerned with the quality of my “performance”, instead of focusing on the authenticity of my worship.

I would worry about singing off-pitch. I would be worried that people could not stand my broken Chinese. I would worry that my prayers and sharing sounded immature. I would worry that I had picked the wrong response song and people would be thinking how stupid I was to not pick a more appropriate one. I had so many worries, and it would make me literally sick to the stomach. People didn’t realize how much I appreciated the wooden pulpit in the chapel, since it hid my violently trembling legs every time I was on stage. I was terrified on every Sunday that I had to lead worship, and I resented that greatly. (And that’s not considering the previous trauma of having to PLAY for service!)

Today, I still struggle with the same things. Its still very hard for me to be on stage. Very few people realize how much I detest the experience, since I apparently wear a very convincing mask whenever I’m up there, but even after more than 9 years, having to be up there wearies me greatly.

I used to simply chalk it down to the fact that I’m actually a very fiercely introverted creature. Every single personality test I’ve taken can attest to it. And so I found it very natural that I would shun the stage. Yet after my conversation the other day, I suddenly wondered if my loathing towards the stage could also be a product of the culture that the church has.

If we had a culture of focusing more on what builds a person up instead of merely what is apparently “the right way”, if we had a lesser fixation on “excellence” and a greater emphasis on encouragement, if we placed building up a person on a higher priority than mere cosmetic achievements, MAYBE… maybe… maybe more people would have been willing to step up in church and serve, and maybe I would have been more comfortable on stage than I now am.

Being at Fort Canning, we now have a chance to break that mould. Old habits die hard, but I’m beginning to see a lot of encouraging signs that we’re moving in the right direction. But its so easy to stumble and lose our way at any time, once we get lost in the process and forget about the end-goal. So I guess that’s my prayer request for this year, for the church.

I pray that we’ll always always always love the people of God, more than we love the programs and agendas that we have in church. And so I will need to pray for our leaders, that they can keep a clear head, and focus on what’s of true significance.



P.S., I’m happy to say that the conversation had a happy ending. The person I was speaking to messaged me the other day, accepting the offer to serve on stage. The message said “I can only offer up my time to prepare, and leave all else to Him.”

I could not have summed it up better myself.

Superman and the Advent

Now that my exams are over, I’ve had a little more time to examine the season of Advent, which we’re supposed to be focusing on this time of the year.

Yesterday, as I was re-watching the latest version of the superman movie in the post-Christopher Reeves generation, one of the lines in the movie struck a very deep chord in me. I have no idea why it didn’t register when I first watched it 4 years ago, but this time round, it sure stayed with me.

Lois Lane, in the prolonged absence of Superman, had written a Pulitzer-winning article out of sheer pique, titled “Why the World Does Not Need Superman”.

So one fine day when Superman literally appeared out of the sky, he carried Lois Lane high up and right above the Metropolis, and asked her if she hears anything. Naturally, she doesn’t. And he says to her, that he does. He hears everything. Then he gives her the one liner that really screamed for my attention.

He said: “You wrote that the world doesn't need a savior, but every day I hear people crying for one.”

And it suddenly clicked in my mind, that what he just said summed up perfectly the spirit of Advent!! This is the season, where we are once more reminded that this world needs a savior, just as it needed a savior more than 2000 years ago.

I guess there is nothing in this life that we do not become numb to, at some point or another, unless we make the effort to especially retain its significance. And I think this season of the Advent, I have Superman to thank, for helping me to once again be reminded that the Advent is as real today as it was more than 2000 years ago. If nothing else, today we are more in need of a savior than we have ever been.

Crap Sunday

Today was the last service of the year. And it was the Christmas Message that was supposed to round off the Season of Advent, and usher in the new year. And maybe its because I had some higher expectations of my sunday service, that drove me to be so angry.

The passage today was Luke 2:25-35. Its about Simeon, and how he was the first to greet Jesus as the Messiah. What a great passage to be speaking on, to conclude the whole Season of Advent! That is, until my pastor somehow failed to get the memo, and seemingly missed the bigger picture.

He proceeded to give a sermon entitled "Your Time Is Now", and did nothing except deliver a Chicken Soup For The Soul session for 30 minutes. Some of his greatest hits include "Peter knew his moment had come, that's why he stepped out of the boat and walked out on to the water!". There was no scriptural referencing to the passage at all. Instead, he seemed to only have one point to make: "No manner how your life is shaping up to be, God still wants to bless and prosper you. AND YOUR TIME IS NOW. Are you willing to embrace THE MOMENT and respond to God?"

Never mind that there was neither any reference to the passage (He could have also read from the passage of Peter walking on water to deliver the same drivel), nor any reference at all to Christmas or the Advent. He seemed intent on merely stretching his one-point message as long as he could, with one out-of-context biblical example after another.

I know its Christmas, and I know he's dead tired. I should be more understanding. But I think even if he had opened up Matthew Henry's bible commentary and merely read from it, he'd have been 100% more faithful to the Word than he was this morning.

And I was musing to myself that my most likely course of action when I'm tired would be to seek out my comfort zone and count on stuff I'm good at to supplement my lack of time and energy to properly prepare. And if that was what he did, then I guess his Chicken Soup for the Soul message today only proves my point about how he doesn't really fancy the faithful exposition of the Word, but instead prefers the cosmetic exhortations that is more usually associated with more "liberal" churches.

I know I shouldn't be angry, but after all of us worked so hard to highlight the Advent, having this to end off the year leaves a very bitter taste in the mouth.

Wikileaks? What Problem?

A sudden idea that came into my head, inspired by how there are so many fake torrents that studios flood the web with, in order to deter users from downloading their media content.

Instead of trying so hard to pin allegations of rape on Assange, wouldn't it be so much easier for Governments to simply launch a massive misdirection campaign to discredit Wikileaks? Just hack into the website or create fake versions of Wikileaks with heaps of fake data, so that it actually loses credibility or public interest?

Grins.

Wikileaks Saga

The talk of the town for the past few days has been of Wikileaks, and how their release of a whole tonnage of US Govt cables has resulted in so much attention.

I wasn't so much interested in the content of the leak, as I was in the response people had towards the leaks. Predictably, there was the usual criticism by the parties that were affected or embarrassed by the leaks. Then there were those that supported Wikileaks, praising them for their efforts, and defending their actions by insisting that the Govt should be transparent in what they do. Most of the rest of us were just intrigued by the whole saga, being a bystander who absorbed whatever was being reported in the media, without actually coming out in support of it, or against it.

But here is where my own ideology comes into play: This is a perfect example of why I believe that democracy is not always the best option to pursue. I may be wrong, but I believe that it was Aristotle who said that the masses are like sheep, too stupid to know what's really good for them. Democracy assumes that everyone is perfectly capable of making good and socially responsible decisions, instead of selfish and irresponsible decisions. It supposes that everyone is able to think through situations, and come up with a sensible conclusion.

Of course we know that's not going to happen! Look at American Idol, for example. So often we look on with incredulity at how less talented performers advance whilst the more talented ones are the shock eliminations. When it simply becomes about the popular vote, and a case of "who is better at brainwashing", then the decision that results is seldom one that is sensible, right nor socially responsible.

Wikileaks might have been a good concept, albeit Utopianistic. Yet when it was acted upon, it became a double-edged tool. It brought to attention corruption that was hitherto covered up, highligted the need for humanitarian aid in some parts of the world, but also exposed a lot of people to harm's way. Naturally, the organisation takes a lot of credit for the good things done, but shirks responsibility towards any liabilities they cause. In the case of the Iraq War Diaries, they cleverly shifted the blame to Amnesty International, deflecting any blame at themselves towards them. When they were asked to censor names of personnel at at risk of losing their lives, they pushed the responsibility of doing so to a few organisations, and yet when these organisations didn't do so, they insist that they were therefore not responsible anymore for their own actions.

Yet such behavior is the ultimate result of democracy in action. People feel free to rid themselves of all social responsibility in the name of "freedom of expression". By condemning any form of censorship, they think they are therefore free to behave in any manner they please, as long as there is a group of people coming out in support of it. Any attempt at restricting its actions or behavior is inevitably met with some form of public disapproval, and since ALL public opinion counts, there is inevitably no sense of a "right behavior" anymore.

The implications of such a social system is frightening to behold. A world where right and wrong is relegated to relativity allows me to get away with anything, as long as I can convince enough people. Such a system will always be approved by men, since whatever restricts us the least is always the most attractive. Yet when we ourselves are on the receiving end of harm done to us, we will find out too late that we have become the victims of the system we helped create.

And that is exactly where the U.S. Govt finds itself right now.

Serves them right?

Maybe.

Its a relative opinion, after all.