The Broken Radio

So another week has passed. Just finished 3 days of the Evening Expositions by Project Timothy, this time on the Parables Of Jesus. John Chapman and Vaughan Roberts. I think they both were great, and I thoroghly enjoyed myself. I guess when they preach on something less lofty than Revelations, and on something much more applicable like the parables, its something that I more readily identify with, and something that I feel more readily speaks to my life as I currently am living it.

The one that really stood out was the parable of the Prodigal Son. Definitely my best-love parable, I've many times felt exactly like the lost son, and how I don't think I could face God again after I've time and again spurned his love for me. Its so apt that only on sunday, Zhang Mu Shi gave exactly the same message, speaking on how only when we realise just how much we don't revere God and still treat His love with the due gratefulness that it deserves, do we realise just how deeply God truly loves us, that He foresaw all that and yet still chose to die for one such as us.

It seems that inevitably everytime PT comes around, there will always be a message before and after that, which very clearly confirms what it is that God wants to say to me, and this has been no exception. The same thought that keeps surfacing in my mind, that God is somehow reminding me that in the midst of trying to re-build back my life, I ought not to become my own ruler, but to keep in mind that God is still the Lord of my life. From the bible studies in DG on the book of Mark and how much it stresses Jesus as king, to John Chapman's message in ARPC right before PT when he talks abt Jesus forgiving the lame man before telling him to get up and walk... and even in the parable of the Prodigal Son, where the call is to return to God. To repent. To go back to the way I once was, when I had a love for God that was uncluttered by other concerns that gradually seemed to take over.

Its like how urgent things always seem to be what's demanding attention, when what really needs to be done are the important things. That's true of life, and yet how much truer of my spiritual life. So many times I let the urgent things in life crowd out the greater picture. Heck, ironically even the latest episode of the West Wing which I just downloaded came right back at me with exactly the same message. The Bartlett administration is into its last 365 days. And even as Leo finally returns to the White House, he watches them spend the day tackling all sorts of foreign crisises having to do with foreign elections and drugs in Columbia, only to be reminded by him at the end of the whole day that they have the more important issues to keep their eyes fixed upon, such as education, health care and employment. I was just enjoying the episode when it suddenly hit home that it was exactly the same thing that God's been telling me all week, about not forgetting the big picture, and getting bogged down with the unimportant matters.

I guess there are days when God really DOES shout.

Zhang Mu Shi today brought up the analogy of the the radio. He was talking about how we need to stop treating our relationship to God as something measured by standards we put up. Keeping the Sabbath, Fasting, Circumcision, Christian Aesthetics... that sort of thing. Christianity is about "Me and You", not "Me and It". So he likens us to a radio that is constantly trying to tune in to God, trying to perfect our frequency. When we stop trying, we move further away from the right frequency and God's voice and guidance gets reduced to mere static. But if we keep at it, we get closer and closer to the proper frequency and we begin to make out God's voice a little clearer everyday.

The first thought that went into my mind was wondering how broken my radio is. Hehz... I guess the reminder that its time for me to do something and stop moping is as clear as it gets... Time to get my butt off the chair.

Driving test coming up on tues. *gulp*

*fingers crossed*

Valentines' coming right up. Times like this at 2:30am when I'm writing this, I'm inevitably feeling really down. That sense of loneliness is pretty scary... That I might never ever recover from my broken r/s, but let the scars forever haunt me so that I can't ever trust a girl with my heart, or ever again feel that I'd be able to measure up to a girl's expectations and dare to even think abt asking her out...

Sigh.

Its been a while since I whined abt this now, but lately its been coming back to me. The sense of inadequacy, that I really don't have anything right now to offer any girl... the end result that no girl would ever be willing to commit to me... and by the time I ever come anywhere near being able to achieve something, I'd already be somewhere in my thirties. The prospects of being alone for the next 4 to 5 years is pretty demoralising. Sigh. Shit man. And when I talk about getting myslef a dog, there are those stupid brats who just laugh at me. Grins.

Ah well. Be of good cheer, Peng. Man Utd just beat Arsenal 4-2 in mid week, and Birmingham 2-0 just now. I guess second place isn't that bad. I ought to be used to it. Been second placed in the hearts of all the girls I loved before anyway. Hehz...