My Mr.Darcy Musings

Now that even Singapore has managed to get involved in the fashionable practice of Exposed Celebrity Adultery (ECA, for those born before 1980 and recognize the acronym), it was impossible to not lie in bed awake at night, thinking about the incidences and letting my thoughts run wild.

I have friends who had cheating partners. Some ended in breakups, some ended in divorce, and a few even managed to get back together after that. I remember the incredulity of some who couldn’t believe Jack Neo’s wife could brush off what he did, and readily forgive him. But I guess she’s no different from some I know who also again managed to return to their partners despite what happened.

I used to even wonder about what that means about my faith. We’ve all heard the equation before – the more you’re forgiven, the more you should forgive. And you are only stuck in unforgiveness because you have yet to appreciate the depth of your own sin, and are therefore unable to appreciate the magnitude of the forgiveness extended to you. As straightforward as that may sound, is that really right?

Edmund Chan defines forgiveness as “not holding a wrong done to you against the person anymore.” In other words, to forgive is not to forget, but to no longer hold a grudge. So what does that mean? I think it means that you no longer use it as a reason to remain hostile and bear ill-will towards someone, but it doesn’t mean you recklessly restore the relationship back to what it was. I find myself cheering the wives of cheating husbands who had the guts to go through with their divorce. Sure, in time you can forgive the cheating louse, and perhaps even be friends. But to go back in time as though nothing ever happened? I don’t believe it.

As Edmund Chan put it, unless you bashed your head in and suffered permanent brain damage, you can’t really forget the wrong done to you. So what you are ACTUALLY doing, is to psych yourself into thinking you’re alright with it. But human nature being what it is, such a repression will definitely come back to haunt you one day. Not today, not next month, maybe not even in the next 20 years. But one day, you won’t be able to hold it in anymore, and its gonna come out. And when it does, you’d find out your whole life up till that point in time had been a lie. Don’t believe me? Just look at my parents’ generation. They spent their first 40 years in denial, and today most of them are still married either out of convenience, for the sake of the kids, or just to maintain their social standing. I count less than 3 out of 10 to have a happy marriage for those above 50.

Sad huh?

The sadder fact is, most fools don’t believe me. They call me a cynic, and they believe that it won’t happen to them.

“Our love is stronger than that.”
“What happened to others won’t happen to us.”
“Now that we know what could happen, we’ll work harder to ensure it doesn’t happen to us.”

I think everyone secretly believes that they’re a little better than most of the people around them. Yet the sad fact is that we’re all a sorry bunch. So far, I’ve had one failed relationship. I used to think to myself that if my ex had finally accepted what an ass she’s hitched herself to, and seen the folly of her ways, we would have had a shot at getting back together. In retrospect, I thank God it never came down to that. Cos I know myself better now. And I know that I couldn’t do it. A betrayal is a betrayal. Mebbe if they broke up, I could bring myself to be friends with her again. But I will never be able to forget what she did to me, and I would never be able to give her the absolute trust that I once did.

Its also why I finally answered a question I had posed myself for more than a year: Do I want Henry ad Bernice back in the worship ministry? And the answer is “no”. Not just merely letting the ministry down, I also felt that he really let me down hard. As a friend, as a brother in Christ, and as a ministry partner. If my pastor’s fantasy ever came true and they returned, I think I’d be happy for them, and I’d be glad for the ministry. But then I’d also be ready to step down and think about moving elsewhere. I can’t work with broken trust.

Maybe contrary to what I believe, I’m actually a very unforgiving person. And that’s why I can’t deal with betrayal. Maybe like Mr Darcy once put it, “My good opinion once lost, is lost forever.”