Turbulence

Recently there’s been a lot of opportunity to examine the leadership in church, as we discuss how and what we’re going to do about the chronic stagnation we find ourselves in.

On reflection of everything that was said during that time, I was surprised at how much anger and resentment I found with a lot of the leadership decisions that have been made. I know its easy to target people, and blame it all on Hong Li, the Executive Committee, or even the Elder Board. And I know I’m probably at least half right in the things that I said. But the shooting gallery is always where the cheapest seats are.

Maybe I’m just too much of a greenhorn to know the whole big picture. Maybe that’s really why nobody listens to what I have to say. After all, empty vessels make the most noise. They say that politicians campaign in poetry, and govern in prose. So maybe if I think more in prose instead of poetry, I’d be able to accept the direction that our church is currently heading in. So maybe the real reason why nobody feels the way I do, has to do with me.

Why should anyone listen to a 31 yr old who still hasn’t graduated, who has made a mess of his life, and who until now still hasn’t made anything much out of his whole existence? How dare he talk big, and criticize those who have accomplished so much more than him? How dare he claim to know better, to see clearer, and have the right solution for the complexities of the problems now plaguing the church?

Would I be doing the right thing if I stop making so much noise, and stop being so negative? Would it help more if I start being more positive in my feedback? I’ve always felt that people who only say good things, are ultimately contributing to potentially fatal blind spots. Yet perhaps by comparison, that would still be more helpful than the criticisms that I’ve been making.

What’s the point of giving feedback to people who aren’t interested in listening anyway? People who patronize you when you give your point of view, and who then privately mark you as a dissenter. Perhaps all this while, Henry was the smart one, like so many before him. Just walk away, if you’re not keen on sinking with the ship.

I want to help change things. I really do. And I think even though I may not have been the most hardworking or long suffering member of the church, I have given my fair share of endeavor. But when the leadership paradigm is so fixated on things that I fundamentally disagree with, it is so hard to endorse their leadership. Even harder to offer support and to sweat blood towards it. In Bill Hybels’ words, I’m more like a hired help now, rather than a shepherd.

So I’m again earnestly praying for directions. Asking that either God shows me what else I can do, or where else I can go. Or to otherwise learn anew the practice of submission, knowing that the bigger picture is of me submitting to His will, not anyone else’s.