Almost...

Yeah, its 4 in the morning, and I'm still awake. Hehz... what's new?

I think if I were to ever use one word to describe my life so far, it would surely have to be the word "almost". The point being that my whole life seems to have been characterized by the things that I've failed to accomplish and achieve. Be it a spiritual life that has suffered an unending series of false starts, to a course in NUS that doesn't appear successful by any stretch of imagination, or a relationship where I almost could have worked harder at making it last.

Continuing along that train of thought would be a period of ministry in Campus Crusade that ended more acrimonious than when it had begun, a piano course that stopped short of finishing my Grace 8, a series of ministries in church where I knew I should have ended much better than I did.

To be honest, I think I'm really hard pressed to name any accomplishment if mine that I can be rightly proud to claim as my own, for which I can be duly credited for.

So as I reflect upon the state of affairs in my life, I'm trying hard to think of how I can look upon it so as to not veer into another strain of self-abasement or self-pity. And I find myself living in a really peculiar state of grace. Peculiar simply because I think I've already had more than enough chances to set things straight in my life, which I have steadfastly spurned. And yet in the face of such ingratitude and stupidity, I am still offered chance after chance at redemption.

I guess if I carry on in such a manner, my tombstone would be the saddest of all epitaphs - chronicling the tragic life of a man doomed to a state of perpetual inconsequence despite having been dealt with a more than decent lot in life, simply out of an obstinance that refused to move out of his apathy and lethargy.

Ah well. These 4 yrs have been years that I lost, and which I find myself very lost in. And as I continue to labour on in search of my redemption, and I continue to contemplate its discovery in church ministry, relationships, personal time, quiet time, or even in my family, I think at the end of the day its all going to boil down to the fact that I'm still waiting to grow up. Either something was left out of my education, or I wasn't looking when they were teaching the lesson - but I'm still wondering how do I grow up. Of course, physically I will have a lot to tone down, hehz... But how the hell does one grow up? By experiencing life? By putting one through grief and discipline? By willing it?

Hehz... whatever it is, I think I have a lot of that to catch up on man. In the meantime, in my state of seemingly perpetual inconsequence, I shall go back to my inconsequential musings.

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Just that I have to point out what a great friend Paul has turned out to be. I mean, busy as he is, he keeps trying to find time for me, pushing aside meetings, calling me when he's free, and generally still trying to look out for me. This despite my non-efforts at maintaining the friendship, which he has rightly chastised me for in recent weeks. Grins. What a terrible friend I've turned out to be. So amongst my inconsequential musings, I shall need to take time out for some self-reflection on my ingratitude.

Only... would such reflections taking place during inconsequential musings be equally inconsequential?

Whatever.

=)