Fell sick over the weekend, where we had a pretty good time at Weixiu's house, celebrating the Mid-Autumn Festival a little early. I think we all had a really great time, and its always times like this that I thank God for, where people that's come in and out of my life sporadically always appear, and I look at guys whom I've hung out with for the past 12 years already. Its a very familiar feeling, knowing that these are the guys who hung ard, who have seen practically the worst of me, and all the masks that I've tried on. And I guess I could use a little more of that right now.
Spent the rest of the weekend feeling absolutely miserable. Down with a really bad bout of flu, fever and sore throat, all of which just made me feel like dying really isn't as scary a thought as a life perpetually composed of these three illnesses.
Back home on sunday night, my mom suddenly chose to break down and spent the next 3 hours past midnight to sob her heart out abt how she really cannot stand things anymore, and she wants a divorce. And I guess this really isn't news to me anymore, esp since its pretty obvious that my parents don't exactly have a lotta affection towards each other, to put it mildly. Best thing I've learnt from watching my parents in action was never how to show my affections, but how to hide my emotions. And I guess that was also why her breakdown that night came as twice a shock. Guess I alwso was pretty much caught unawares, and had absolutely no idea what to do except sit beside her for a while, and then stay up till she went to bed.
On Monday I met Genliang for lunch in sch, and we talked for an incredible 4 hrs. He was sharing with me how he himself felt a little uncomfortable with how the church seems to be on such bad terms with Andrew, and was hard pressed to not disparage Andrew, while trying to tell Genliang what's going on. But I guess he did point out what's important. Despite all the jadedness with which I carry myself most days, I recognize that a church that wants to preach love and unity cannot allow such an obvious situation sit around, while turning a blind eye to it. Cos honestly, no matter how much we all seem to find reasons that say Andrew is at fault, the fact is none of us really want to take the effort to either pray for him, or try to reconcile our differences.
Tuesday I met Chongzhi for a while, and he was sharing with me how he's picking himself up again after breakingup with girlfriend of 4 years. Hehz... yeah, I told him I've been down that road before, and know how it feels. Ah well. Met Paul fro a while where we watched Dodgeball. Pretty hilarious show. After that, we picked up Sophie's present, and I went fro cell group. Had a pretty good time there that night, dunno why. I actually really do enjoy the fellowship of the cell, and except for the really really non-existent bible study, this is a great cell to be in.
Of course, there's always something to spoil the evening, and this time was no exception. I just kept bumping into Grace all night long, be in when coming into church, going to the toilet, or when going back. Shit. I still dunno how to react when I bump into her. Am just waiting for her to leave the church with Andrew, so that these awkward moments will all disappear. Grins.
Wednesday came and passed. Watched Raising Helen with Gabriel and Weixiu. Was one of those sweet romantic comedies. It really was pretty dunny, I guess, and Kate Hudson always looks stunning. But sentiments aside, it was a pretty badly scripted show. I dunno if it was due to any censorship, cos otherwise the editing wasn't too fantastic as well. But ah well, what the heck.
Was thinking of the song 爱情电影, which expressed the sentiment of one who wistfully looks at romance movies, and desperately longs for love. The person thinks of the things he woudl have done differently from how the hero would have, and how much harder he would have tried. And I guess that's always something I find myself almost involuntarily musing abt everytime I watch a romance movie. I wouldn't have walked away here... I wouldn't have lost my temper there... I would have understood what she was trying to say...
爱情电影
是虚构的电影
却看到泪翻滚
如果爱不那麽深
结局是不是就不会伤人
在别人的剧本
演自己的缘份
如果爱要我牺牲
我不怕梦里沈沦或变笨
换成我，在爱情的角色里
再孤单，再多馀
我也不会忘记入戏
换我在曲折的世界里
再空虚，再别离
不到落幕不会离去
爱上你，天天天天思念你
忘忘忘忘自己
再不要谁和我对戏
爱若让人患上记忆
只因此生此景
有你
只因此情此时，爱你
是虚构的电影
却看到泪翻滚
如果爱不那麽深
结局是不是就不会伤人
在别人的剧本
演自己的缘份
如果爱要我牺牲
我不怕梦里沈沦或变笨
换成我，在爱情的角色里
再孤单，再多馀
我也不会忘记入戏
换我在曲折的世界里
再空虚，再别离
不到落幕不会离去
爱上你，天天天天思念你
忘忘忘忘自己
再不要谁和我对戏
爱若让人患上记忆
只因此生此景
有你
只因此情此时，爱你
Yet when look at real-life romances, I find 2 happy couples in my church out of maybe 200 that I know. And the other 198 couples that fail to make it happily ever... what becomes of them? I look at my own parents who failed to make it, and I start looking at my dad. He's the kind of man that parents would generally prescribe their daughters to marry, save for the fact that he ain't rich enough. Dependable, honest, helpful, kind, with basically a good heart, and who gives in to the wife most of the time. But as far as making any effort to connect with the family emotionally or even raqtionally, he's just about the most apathetic guy I've come across. No wonder my mom feels like she's been living alone for just about forever.
And I guess the question that keeps looming in my head is whether or not I'll ever come across as not being good enough for the girl. Self-esteem aside, given my perennial ability to underachieve and undersell myself, I don't think I have anything to offer a girl, that can keep her by my side. I guess there's a pretty fine line to draw between commitment and resignation. In both cases, she's gonna stick by your side. But to live the bulk of your life in resignation could just very well be the worst form of hell for both parties.
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