Rejoice In The Lord Always... or not.

Seems like everytime I come back here, its to report that week in week out, I've had eventfully meaningless things happening. even deaths in the family seems routine after a while, as we all just go through the familiar motions of the wake and the burial/cremation. Otherwise its the same paranoia of failing my exams still, and left with a pretty bleak future with only an A'level cert to show for the past 5 yrs of failures. Even more paranoia abt my spiritual life, abt church, abt my inability to overcome the hurt from both Grace and other friends.

The Beatitudes lists 9 blessings to 9 types of people. Blessings of the kingdom of heaven, comfort, mercy, and of seeing God. In return, you need to be meek, merciful, pure, peace-loving amongst other things. Just where in the spectrum of those who are blessed do I stand? Am I even one of those who are considered blessed? And if not these, what sort of blessings do God promise, that I think I'm receiving? I mean, on the one hand I think I really lucky just to have 10 fingers and toes. Two arms, legs, eyes and ears... etc. I really am thankful. Yet I wonder why God doesn't seem to make this night end. So much activity and laughter in the day, yet when I settle down at my computer to recount my week, all I seem to be able to put down are the dark moments of despair and paranoia. I wonder if I get to heaven, if the great men of God would confess to facing similar desperation when alone, or if its just me. How can a foreteaste of heaven and the joy it brings result in a life that always lives in shadows? Or is apostle Paul giving an incredibly optimistic exhortation when we're told to "Be joyful always"?

Cos I can't.

My joyful moments seem to be more a form of labour for me, while despair seems to be my natural state. And as much as I probaly can generate a list as long as the opposite, for the things I can take joy and gratitude in, it never seems to ring as true as my depression. In fact, they don't seem to ring true at all.

Hehz... I remember the parable in Shattered Dreams, where the man's life just keeps turning for the worse one after another. I wonder if that is the case, cos if so I won't mind it that much since it serves a purpose. But if I'm living in this darkness for no prupose other than just because I'm in a rut, then I guess I can just go out of the house, find a ditch and kill myself in it already.

Ah well. On the slightly brighter side, we had a really good session yesterday in church, where some church elders, Liu Mu Shi and Zhang Mu Shi came down to meet with the Youth Min leaders to dialogue and to also bounce ideas off each other. I think its really good that they finally bother to come down to meet with us and talk to us direct. And mebbe its cos I've switched my bias (it prob is half that as well...), but the leaders don't seem to be half as distrusting and out of touch with our position as Andrew always made them out to be. When he made himself the only proxy between the youth min and the church leadership, all we heard was how they don't approve of our ideas and the way we want to run things. Yet our own dialogues with them have turned out to be a pretty open affair, and they seem more than willing to consider what we have to say.

Sheesh.

Next week is my driving test. Monday is Weimin's test, thursday is Jean's and friday's mine. I hope I pass before the two of them does. Grins. And right now, Paul's thinking that if I drive like I did his car that day, I prob won't be allowed to drive even in heaven.

Or hell.

Grins.