Revisiting Shadowlands

So here we go again, revisting the death if someone in the family. This time the honor goes to my grandma who maanged to live to a ripe old age of 102. I never was able to talk to her much, since she spoke nothing except Hokkien, and in this case it might as well have been Greek.

I got word of it on sunday, halfway through cell when my dad phoned me to say she was in a bad way. I told him I'd rush down after cell, only to receive a msg an hr later that she passed away. Still, having known her since I was born, and having grown up for the first 5 yrs of my life under the same roof as her, I guess it does hit me a certain way when she passes away. The sense that another part of my history has detached itself. I used to muse abt how the passing of my elders in the family is the benchmark that I've grown up, and that its time to take their place. Yet, with the passing of her, and the reality that my dad's brother has also already passed away, I'm in no way feeling any older, or anywhere closer to being able to step into their shoes.

The wake service today has been an awkward one, given the fact that we're actually on really bad terms with my dad's side of the family. Without knowing too much abt the details, it probably is safe to say it boils down to money and sibling rivalry, where our family ended up being kicked out of the house, this moving to Sembawang Pig Farm where we currently reside. Fast forward 20 years, and we're still still at it, and its sad that even the passing of a loved one doesn't help much to bridge the gap. I wonder if this was what it was like when Issac and Ishmael came back together to bury Abraham. Cos if it were, then I guess that explains the tension that still exists today between the Jews and the Arabs. Grins.

Speaking of grudges, Andrew, Yuzhen and Audrey actually came down today for the wake service. Thank God I managed to avoid Andrew all the way. I tried reconciliation before, and was snubbed. I guess what's left is just avoidance. Still, it was quite a feat given how the whole parlour was so bloody small. But I couldn't help thinking of the inherent irony that existed within the scenario, where the family itself is unable to get together to mourn the loss of a loved one, and at the same time there exists not just a divided family, but a divided church. I'd be kidding myself if I say what Andrew did no longer rankles. The way he behaved not only hurt me, it also deeply disappointed me that someone whom I used to look up to so much could turn out to be like that. And even worse, how his tuanqi doesn't realise it. I hope he believes in the idea of hell, cos he sure doesn't seem to act like he does.

Grins.

And right there and then I realised how the grudge in my family could have lasted all 25 yrs and beyond. For if someone within the church could hurt me so much, how much more must be the scar from the friction within a family. And I who used to think how stupid my dad was to have sulked in the same corner for all this while, am suddenly confronted with the reality that I'm either eerily like him, or else to recognize and empathize with why he behaves this way.

Back to my grandma.

Her eulogy was surprisingly beautiful, delivered by her pastor who's known her for more than 40 yrs. Tho his sermon absolutely sucked, he delivered a really sweet eulogy. And again that talk surfaces of heaven, and of future glory, something which is so easy to forget in pursuit of daily discipline, and the focus on the now. The sermon on sunday itself was also abt future glory, making it surprisingly apt.

Ah well.

Its gonna be another excruciatingly long two nights. Hope I can last through it man. Burial's on thursday.