I just thought of something that Paul posted a few days ago. Its pretty apt for the occasion, I guess... so here it is:

The Burial of Love
"His eyes in eclipse,
Pale-cold his lips,
The light of his hopes unfed,
Mute his tongue,
His bow unstrung
With the tears he hath shed,
Backward drooping his graceful head,
Love is dead:
His last arrow is sped;
He hath not another dart;
Go–carry him to his dark deathbed;
Bury him in the cold, cold heart–
Love is dead.
O truest love! art thou forlorn,
And unrevenged? thy pleasant wiles
Forgotten, and thine innocent joy?
Shall hollow-hearted apathy,
The cruellest form of perfect scorn,
With languor of most hateful smiles,
For ever write,
In the withered light
Of the tearless eye,
And epitaph that all may spy?
No! sooner she herself shall die.

For her the showers shall not fall,
Nor the round sun shine that shineth to all;
Her light shall into darkness change;
For her the green grass shall not spring,
Nor the rivers flow, nor the sweet birds sing,
Till Love have his full revenge."

Lord Alfred Tennyson

Just watched SERENDIPITY, starring Kate Beckinsale and Edward Norton.

Man, I feel so lame. Its times like this that I hate myself for watching romance shows. I fear I indulge myself in such notions of romance, that there are actually instances where it is wise to throw away your life on a gamble, and a whim, that somewhere out there, there could be someone with whom you truly belong - enough to dismiss whatever else your head may say... and turn out to be right!

There are times when I actually DO feel that way, then I find that I despise myself for rejecting the idea that such a love could exist - where two people just know that they are meant for each other. How do you feel that? Can you ever feel that?

Where do you draw the line between a God-directed choice where you seek God in earnest prayer for the one whom you're finding to spend the rest of your life with, and that gut feel you have in your stomach that this one is truly special - someone whom you know you want to spend the rest of your life with?

I can be such a helpless romantic at times... but like they say - feelings no feed the stomach. So I'm forced to be a pragmatist. No marriage till I have a secure job and money, that it is a futile and foolish search for love when I have yet to establish myself and my career. That all has a certain ring of wisdom and truth to it... but is that the whole truth? Is there no room for someone who is willing to spend the rest of my life with me, come weal or woe? The cynics mock me for my naievity, and there are times -too many times, when I concur with what they say. Yet, there remains a part of me that still clings to that small glimmer of hope that out there, there is someone who is willing to share my life with me, whatever the uncertainties, simply because she is in love with me, and I with her - and we want to be together.

And I fear that everytime I watch a romance movie, my hopes are rekindled - that I'll truly be able to find a girl with whom I can have that kind of connection, where we can throw caution to the wind and say we love each other come what may.

Maybe my experience with my ex has taught me that such a love doesn't exist, that all of us are too selfish. I admit that as she confessed to not loving me, a part of me died - and I stopped loving her with the kind of commitment I always dreamt of receiving. And perhaps, even almost a year later, I question myself if I'll ever be able to give that to someone else.

So many songs talk abt find that special someone that you just know is the one for you. This one's from the movie SERENDIPITY itself:

When You Know
When you know that you know who you love, you can't deny it.
Or go back, or give up, or pretend that you don't buy it.
When it's clear this time you've found the one, you'll never let him go
Cos you know and you know that you know.

When you feel in your skin in your bones and the hollow
Of your heart, there's no way you can wait till tomorrow.
When there isn't any doubt about it once you come this close
Cos you know and you know that you know.

You can feel love's around you like the sky 'round blue
This is how love has found you, now you know what to do.

When you know that you know who you need, you can't deny it.
Or go back, or give up, or pretend that you don't buy it.
When it's clear this time you've found the one, you'll never let him go
Cos you know and you know that you know.

And it's time you come in from the cold.
And you know that you know.


So I cling on to this song for the night and maybe tomorrow, that maybe one day I'll wake up, meet someone or even see someone I know in a brand new light - and recognize the face of the person I've been searching for the whole of my life.

*slap myself*

I need to get over such depressive moods. Sometime I tell myself to just take a more practical step -find a girl who is responsible, caring and a good girl who loves God - learn to love her, cherish her and that's what makes a good marriage. Maybe I'm in that wistful state of mind, seeing all my friends around me getting married. But I do feel that there's room for a love that can go beyond mere practicality. So many people tell me that Grace and I were so wrong for each other. And all the while, I was aware of that. But I was so sure that as long as we loved each other, and we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, that we could makes things work out. Sadly, she let go - and I soon did as well.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." -Proverbs 13:12

Its only times like this that I truly appreciate the wisdom of what Proverbs say. Seems that such words that seem to state the obvious comes to life for you when you're in the midst of such an experience itself. Right now, I shd just to go sleep. Tomorrow, everything will be better.

I hope. Grins.

I'm in the Guild House right now, having just finished another day of school.

After my entry yesterday, I found it ironic that Violet asked me at DG today how things are between me and Grace. Sigh... I need a new gf so pple will ask me abt her, rather than ask me abt my ex. Hehz...

Been a nice, rainy day and I think I'm feeling like I'm picking up momentum in getting work done. I really have done a bit of growing up in the past half a yr. God knows how much more I have to go, in order to even be half as mature as some of my peers, but at least I daresay I've stopped regressing.

The rain's stopped now, but the weather's still great. Days like these I'd imagine spending by a riverside, and either just staring blankly at everything around me, or else reading a book. Dammit. I'm such a sad act. Grins.

Project Timothy next week with both the Evening Expositions as well as Ministry Matters. A lot of things to look forward to. Gotta remind myself to read the Book of Revelations before I go for the talks. I just hope that when I actually go for Ministry Matters, I'd know what I'm searching for, instead of blindly attending, hoping that I'd stumble across anything important. And of course, with my search for answers, that I'd actually be able to find some.

Am I serious abt God? Or am I just too flippant? I mean, I do take my salvation very seriously, but somehow God doesn't carry the same severity for me as it does for some others. I think I sometimes am really too easy on myself, and forgive myself too easily. There are those who pictures God as being too stern and unyielding, and yet I think I picture Him as being TOO easy and kind. God knows (ahem... pardon the pun... there I go again!!!) that I need to keep my reverence and respect in check.

Ah well... as is plain obvious, this entry is simply borne out of boredom, waiting for my sister. Aaaaaarrrrggghh... I need therapy, I need help... I need... Michelle. Grins.

Am sitting in the law library right now, and just feeling really sort of happy. I have this picture of a girl, an idea of the kind of girl that I would be interested in, and sometimes I wonder if a couple of the girls I know actually fit the bill, or am I just being silly. Why am I feeling happy? I'm not sure too. Maybe its the weather, its been raining non-stop, and that always leaves me with a sense of delight. I love rain. It's a refreshing difference from the heat that we're used to in S'pore. Also, it cleanses, giving me the sense that its possible to make a fresh start. As much as I think it makes me depressed, it really lifts me up. I think rain is really pretty to look at. Hehz...

After a slow start to the day, I think the day turned out well. My bleak outlook of church has managed to redeem itself after half a day, and I am able to tell God that all I can do is be faithful in keeping to my task... Again, its a lesson in letting the ministry go, and recognizing that its not my ministry to possess, nor my ministry to maintain and keep. Its my ministry to serve. It was an old lesson learnt anew.

Still, there's so much that I want to do. To really sit down and study hard, to take my advanced theory, to spend more time with a few guys in my church, to spend more time with my family, heck - to spend some time thinking abt getting attached again... even to spending some time to pray abt it and think if I shd try one last time to resolve matters with Grace, rather than let it remain so acrimonious.

My neurosis ever deepens...

If only I had more time... if only I had more time... Sometimes I think if there were 70 hours in a day I'd have asked God for 71. Dammit. Is that the same attitude I would take when looking for a girl? Will I know when I see the right one? Or will I keep on looking and never see that she's there already? Or just keeping wanting more?

Truthfully
This isn't what I like to call flattery,
But I know that I believe that I’ve found what's true,
That I’ve found what's you.

Truthfully, I -
I’m finding finally.
Truthfully, you -
You helped me find at last.
Truthfully, we -
Are finding out what's true.
And truthfully I am finding out what's you.

Surprise, cause I was flying the plane.
Surprise, cause now I’m smiling again.
Surprise, cause you showed up with your parachute.
Surprise, I’m kind of happy you showed up.

Truthfully, I -
I’m finding finally.
Truthfully, you -
You helped me find at last.
Truthfully, we -
Are finding out what's true.
And truthfully I am finding out what's you.

Truthfully, I really can't explain, I’m floating, I’m smiling again.
Truthfully, I can't ignore you, cause I’ve been waiting for you.
Truthfully, I’m not desperate, I haven't changed my mind since we first met,
But the last thing that I want to do is to tell you that I’m right for you.

Truthfully, I -
I’m finding finally.
Truthfully, you -
You helped me find at last.
Truthfully, we -
Are finding out what's true.
And truthfully I am finding out what's you.

I’m finding finally.
Truthfully, I’m finding out what's you.
I’m smiling again.
Truthfully


Yeah... that song right now pretty much describes the way I feel. After my breakup, I'm learning so much abt myself, things that I've never known. So much so that I'm pretty sure I'm darned right in choosing to stay single for the next half a yr, at least till I grad. But ah well, the neurosis kicks in and I wonder if I'm just wasting my life away, and letting the right girl slip through my hands. You see, I believe that its possible for the "right girl for me" to find another "right guy for her". And it'll be really hard to find another "right girl for me" after that. But of course, when I am wondering whether any girl better fits that description as the right girl for me, chances are that none of them are really right for me... at least, for the moment. The right girl has to be the one that I see as "the only possible choice". Is that overly-romantic? I can be such a sucker sometimes.

Truthfully, I'm finding out what's me.

Arrived at school at 7:30 today, courtesy of my sis who drove herself to work. A new milestone to mark on this new year. *applause* Its a quiet and drowsy morning, and I'm feeling kindda sad and down, for no particular reason. Lonely? Frustrated? Worried? I dunno... I always feel that I dream of achieving greatness, then wallow between regret at what I"ve failed to do, and paranoia that I'm gonna spend the rest of my life in similiar regret, thus never achieving greatness. Grins. Talk abt needing therapy huh?

Lotsa questions I ask abt myself: Am I overly pre-occupied with pleasing others? How do I draw the line between putting others first, and being overly concerned with pleasing others? Does anyone actually care abt what I do? Am I really overly self-concious? How does one who is so self-concious be so blind abt his faults? How do I change? What needs to be changed?

Whoa. Down boy.

Sigh...

Church is a mess once again. After a good X'mas and New Yr, in which I was getting more optimistic abt the whole church scenario, its again just degenerated into one big mess. Am really disappointed with the whole Andrew saga, and the ugly words he's been using. Guess it really hurts when someone you used to look up to so much can turn out to disappoint you the way he has. All my worship leaders have left the ministry in the space of a month, creating a mini crisis in the ministry, and a mini crisis in my faith that the Lord will provide. My sis this morning was just suggesting that I too, resign and leave before I literally become the last man standing. Hehz... Tempting... for that moment, at least...

Have a whole day of lessons ahead of me, feeling the lethargy already. Think I really need to get up and going, and perk myself up. Positive thoughts, Peng. You can do it!

*klunk*

That's my attempt falling flat on my face. Sigh... Guess its back to trudging through the day now... Grins.