Thursday, October 06, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
A Poignant Weekend
So my birthday came and passed… with each passing year, I increasingly know who are my TRUE friends who still remember to wish me happy birthday, and idiots like Frodo who will prob one day 20 years from now read this and go “Wait a minute…. His birthday is in JULY???”
Anyways, it was a good weekend that just passed, where I visited CEFC again, and was once more struck by just how much this is a church that I would absolutely envision myself going. Once more, I felt that tug in my heart that called me to join the church, and finally stop feeling I’m putting on the Armor of God on Sundays because going to church is like going to war.
Trying hard not to sound like self-aggrandizement here, but the image that God put in me immediately when I again pondered on that temptation, was the story of the Transfiguration. It’s a familiar passage in the Bible, but one I fell in love with after reading Hind’s Feet on High Places. I felt like God was reminding me that the reason why He showed me something better on the mountaintop, was so that I could then once more go back down the valleys to tell the people. Maybe that’s the work He has for me in church.
Or maybe He just wants me to shut up and pray more. I’m sure that won’t hurt anyone.
Grins.
Anyways, it was an AWESOME service. From the powerful testimony by a domestic helper to Edmund Chan’s impassioned plea for the church to once again go back to basics and rediscover a love for God and his Word, and thereby rekindling the passion to tell the Good News, I can only say that it has been a long time since I felt God so powerfully connecting with me. I felt like Job, where after the silence I was hit by God with so many questions about the condition of my own spirit, and the condition of my own walk with Him. Even as the sermon was going on, and even as Edmund Chan was giving the altar call, I felt so much of my life surfacing once more, as if God was calling into account all the things He had shown me before, and asking what had I done with all the talents He had entrusted with me.
I felt myself broken, and crying not because I was touched by the sermon or the service. I felt, at first, a great fear that I had indeed been the servant who had buried the talent in the garden, for fear of failure, and the fear of losing it all. Then all I could feel was shame. Abject, wretched shame at how I had failed to make my life count despite so much that God had given to me. But of course, God who is always a gentleman, never leaves us with that. Once more I felt God reminding me that He is the one who redeems, and the one who restores that which was lost. He is the God who promises that when its all been said and done, all that matters is only that I have loved Him, and let my life reflect that love.
It was a very refreshing service, where I once again found my heart re-tenderized by Him. (Yes, I know the “re-tenderizing of my heart” will never make it into any Top Million Quotable Quotes. But it sound so apt!!)
The upcoming months are not going to be easy. I stand at one of the biggest crossroads of my life, where so many things are going to converge. Graduation, getting a job, getting married, and then my life begins the roller coaster that is ten years late in getting started. Maybe God knows, and so He used this Sunday’s service to remind me to utilize a little prescient hindsight, so that the decisions I make at this crossroad will be ones that demonstrate a love for Him, such that when I look back on my life, I would have been proud of the decisions I made standing at this crossroad.
Anyways, it was a good weekend that just passed, where I visited CEFC again, and was once more struck by just how much this is a church that I would absolutely envision myself going. Once more, I felt that tug in my heart that called me to join the church, and finally stop feeling I’m putting on the Armor of God on Sundays because going to church is like going to war.
Trying hard not to sound like self-aggrandizement here, but the image that God put in me immediately when I again pondered on that temptation, was the story of the Transfiguration. It’s a familiar passage in the Bible, but one I fell in love with after reading Hind’s Feet on High Places. I felt like God was reminding me that the reason why He showed me something better on the mountaintop, was so that I could then once more go back down the valleys to tell the people. Maybe that’s the work He has for me in church.
Or maybe He just wants me to shut up and pray more. I’m sure that won’t hurt anyone.
Grins.
Anyways, it was an AWESOME service. From the powerful testimony by a domestic helper to Edmund Chan’s impassioned plea for the church to once again go back to basics and rediscover a love for God and his Word, and thereby rekindling the passion to tell the Good News, I can only say that it has been a long time since I felt God so powerfully connecting with me. I felt like Job, where after the silence I was hit by God with so many questions about the condition of my own spirit, and the condition of my own walk with Him. Even as the sermon was going on, and even as Edmund Chan was giving the altar call, I felt so much of my life surfacing once more, as if God was calling into account all the things He had shown me before, and asking what had I done with all the talents He had entrusted with me.
I felt myself broken, and crying not because I was touched by the sermon or the service. I felt, at first, a great fear that I had indeed been the servant who had buried the talent in the garden, for fear of failure, and the fear of losing it all. Then all I could feel was shame. Abject, wretched shame at how I had failed to make my life count despite so much that God had given to me. But of course, God who is always a gentleman, never leaves us with that. Once more I felt God reminding me that He is the one who redeems, and the one who restores that which was lost. He is the God who promises that when its all been said and done, all that matters is only that I have loved Him, and let my life reflect that love.
It was a very refreshing service, where I once again found my heart re-tenderized by Him. (Yes, I know the “re-tenderizing of my heart” will never make it into any Top Million Quotable Quotes. But it sound so apt!!)
The upcoming months are not going to be easy. I stand at one of the biggest crossroads of my life, where so many things are going to converge. Graduation, getting a job, getting married, and then my life begins the roller coaster that is ten years late in getting started. Maybe God knows, and so He used this Sunday’s service to remind me to utilize a little prescient hindsight, so that the decisions I make at this crossroad will be ones that demonstrate a love for Him, such that when I look back on my life, I would have been proud of the decisions I made standing at this crossroad.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
If I Only Could Only Say ONE Thing
With all the talk recently about revamping and improving the church, and also the fact that I think we are circling the drain with regards to the Nurture Ministry, I think I’ve more than said my share. I still think that everything I said is important. After all, this is a complex issue that cannot be resolved with something as simple as a New Work Plan. However, I acknowledge that amongst the deluge of my feedback/complaints/constructive comments, there must lie ONE thing that is at the heart of everything else I’ve been trying to articulate.
And I need to find it.
You see, the fastest way to make sure no one notices anything you say, is to say everything. So if I am to ever be able to put my point across, I need to nail down my message.
A few things spring to mind. Firstly, I feel that there are a few things we are doing wrong. Our leadership fellowship (or rather, the lack of) is a glaring issue. We don’t seem to have very clearly defined values, or else we declare one set of values but live by another. The way we push for evangelism is very worrying. And our lack of a working communication model which is adhered to.
Hongli feels increasingly distant, and I think he’s never looked so glum before in church. And that’s worrying, because if there’s no communication between the leaders, then what sort of communication can we expect to ever be filtered down to the masses? I want to pose a challenge to our leaders to be able to have lunch together once a month, and NOT discuss work at all over lunch. I want to see how much of a challenge that is. Yet there is something seriously wrong with such a gathering, if the only topic they can revert back to after the awkward silence kicks in – is to discuss church matters. Of course, its fine to share church experiences. I’m not saying “church” should be a dirty word on such occasions. But if the conversation invariably revolves around the same issues as the meeting agendas, then the lunch has become a working lunch. And that’s really sad.
Our values. We talk about the importance of prayer. Yet our leaders repeatedly fail to show up for our prayer meetings. And its not a case of missing one or two. I think they’ve missed most of the year. We ritualistically mouth the words that our leaders are seeking God together when planning for our future, but all that goes on when they meet up is to discuss amongst themselves. Ask any seminary student and he’ll tell you that there are 2 fundamental ways to seek God – through the Word and through Prayer. Its so simple that I don’t know how else to put it. How is God ever to be moving in the church when the leadership pays merely lip service to our values?
Evangelism. I don’t know how to say this without making it sound bad. But I find how our church pushes for evangelism to be very annoying. And I think its putting the cart before the horse. Evangelism is a natural out working of a love for God. If we don’t spend any time at all teaching people to love God, how are we going to get them to tell others what it means to love God? Instead of nurturing people in their understanding of God, and then providing them with avenues to evangelize, we instead try our level best to get them to go evangelize, thinking that the experience will let them know God and love God. Yet the point is conveniently missed, that experiences generates only good feelings. It is the hard work of study and careful nurture that develops a deep and abiding love.
The last point is probably more of an admin problem. A proper communication model allows the leaders channels by which to be accountable to their sheep. Too often we operate on a need-to-know basis, whereby the involvement of the people merely rests with activities which they turn up for. I guess we need to learn from people in the service sector. As leaders, we need to be accountable to the people. This doesn’t mean simply ensuring that you don’t dip into the church fund to pay for your lunch, or confessing to the church after you do. This also means paying the price of inconvenience to keep the congregation up to date on the strategies and the reasons for the things we do. (My own hunch is that its not merely a question of convenience. IF we were to ever do so, the congregation would be horrified at how haphazardly our decisions and ministry emphasis can be set and then subsequently changed.)
So that’s abt it. The things that I think need fixing in our church. If we can sort them out, I’m sure there’ll be more things to complain over. But at least I could shut up about these things. Grins.
And I need to find it.
You see, the fastest way to make sure no one notices anything you say, is to say everything. So if I am to ever be able to put my point across, I need to nail down my message.
A few things spring to mind. Firstly, I feel that there are a few things we are doing wrong. Our leadership fellowship (or rather, the lack of) is a glaring issue. We don’t seem to have very clearly defined values, or else we declare one set of values but live by another. The way we push for evangelism is very worrying. And our lack of a working communication model which is adhered to.
Hongli feels increasingly distant, and I think he’s never looked so glum before in church. And that’s worrying, because if there’s no communication between the leaders, then what sort of communication can we expect to ever be filtered down to the masses? I want to pose a challenge to our leaders to be able to have lunch together once a month, and NOT discuss work at all over lunch. I want to see how much of a challenge that is. Yet there is something seriously wrong with such a gathering, if the only topic they can revert back to after the awkward silence kicks in – is to discuss church matters. Of course, its fine to share church experiences. I’m not saying “church” should be a dirty word on such occasions. But if the conversation invariably revolves around the same issues as the meeting agendas, then the lunch has become a working lunch. And that’s really sad.
Our values. We talk about the importance of prayer. Yet our leaders repeatedly fail to show up for our prayer meetings. And its not a case of missing one or two. I think they’ve missed most of the year. We ritualistically mouth the words that our leaders are seeking God together when planning for our future, but all that goes on when they meet up is to discuss amongst themselves. Ask any seminary student and he’ll tell you that there are 2 fundamental ways to seek God – through the Word and through Prayer. Its so simple that I don’t know how else to put it. How is God ever to be moving in the church when the leadership pays merely lip service to our values?
Evangelism. I don’t know how to say this without making it sound bad. But I find how our church pushes for evangelism to be very annoying. And I think its putting the cart before the horse. Evangelism is a natural out working of a love for God. If we don’t spend any time at all teaching people to love God, how are we going to get them to tell others what it means to love God? Instead of nurturing people in their understanding of God, and then providing them with avenues to evangelize, we instead try our level best to get them to go evangelize, thinking that the experience will let them know God and love God. Yet the point is conveniently missed, that experiences generates only good feelings. It is the hard work of study and careful nurture that develops a deep and abiding love.
The last point is probably more of an admin problem. A proper communication model allows the leaders channels by which to be accountable to their sheep. Too often we operate on a need-to-know basis, whereby the involvement of the people merely rests with activities which they turn up for. I guess we need to learn from people in the service sector. As leaders, we need to be accountable to the people. This doesn’t mean simply ensuring that you don’t dip into the church fund to pay for your lunch, or confessing to the church after you do. This also means paying the price of inconvenience to keep the congregation up to date on the strategies and the reasons for the things we do. (My own hunch is that its not merely a question of convenience. IF we were to ever do so, the congregation would be horrified at how haphazardly our decisions and ministry emphasis can be set and then subsequently changed.)
So that’s abt it. The things that I think need fixing in our church. If we can sort them out, I’m sure there’ll be more things to complain over. But at least I could shut up about these things. Grins.
Friday, February 04, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
Marriage Muses
I’ve just gone through another season of hearing stories from different people, of marriages that have gone horribly awry. The irony, naturally, being that I’ve just taken a MASSIVE step towards marriage myself, after acquiring a BTO flat with Weimin yesterday. As I sit down and think, I find myself asking God what is He trying to say to me?
Coupled with the fact that I had my first conversation with Grace in more than a year not too long ago, I am left with certain things that I keep musing over.
I used to think about marrying Grace all the time. It seemed the most natural thing in the world. I would be singing along to the Beach Boys song “Wouldn’t It be Nice”, and meaning every single word. I thought that as soon as we grew up and were financially viable, we could get married and our lives would be complete. Yet when that part of my life ended, I always assumed that it was the death of a part of me, and my belief in a love that could be so unconditional and true.
But maybe that’s not true. In fact, it seems God is increasingly showing me that He’s still preserving that part of me, and has not allowed it to die. Instead, He wants me to learn to from my mistakes. I am bidden to not awaken love until it so desires. It was sheer immaturity that made me so presumptuous about my previous relationship. The death of that relationship revealed to me just how far away I was from being ready to enter into a marriage. Love in the absence of maturity results in all the broken marriages that I hear of.
And so the recent spate of encounters I had with broken marriages is like a reminder from God not to once more tread in my own footsteps, but to take a good look at myself and ask how I am doing, in terms of preparing myself to be married. Of many recently married couples that I have seen, probably the only 2 that I could say for sure is ready to step up and lead in a marriage, would be Art and Yibin.
So with all these different factors for me to use to contrast against, (my failed r/s, all the broken marriages around me, the cloud of witnesses before me like Art and Yibin, my own current state of readiness, and what God seems to be leading me towards), I think there’s plenty for me to think about. I need to not procrastinate for the sake of procrastination, but I also shouldn’t rush headlong into marriage just because everyone says it’s the “next thing to do”.
That way, when I know God is telling me that I am ready, and Weimin is ready, I will really be ready to take the next step.
Coupled with the fact that I had my first conversation with Grace in more than a year not too long ago, I am left with certain things that I keep musing over.
I used to think about marrying Grace all the time. It seemed the most natural thing in the world. I would be singing along to the Beach Boys song “Wouldn’t It be Nice”, and meaning every single word. I thought that as soon as we grew up and were financially viable, we could get married and our lives would be complete. Yet when that part of my life ended, I always assumed that it was the death of a part of me, and my belief in a love that could be so unconditional and true.
But maybe that’s not true. In fact, it seems God is increasingly showing me that He’s still preserving that part of me, and has not allowed it to die. Instead, He wants me to learn to from my mistakes. I am bidden to not awaken love until it so desires. It was sheer immaturity that made me so presumptuous about my previous relationship. The death of that relationship revealed to me just how far away I was from being ready to enter into a marriage. Love in the absence of maturity results in all the broken marriages that I hear of.
And so the recent spate of encounters I had with broken marriages is like a reminder from God not to once more tread in my own footsteps, but to take a good look at myself and ask how I am doing, in terms of preparing myself to be married. Of many recently married couples that I have seen, probably the only 2 that I could say for sure is ready to step up and lead in a marriage, would be Art and Yibin.
So with all these different factors for me to use to contrast against, (my failed r/s, all the broken marriages around me, the cloud of witnesses before me like Art and Yibin, my own current state of readiness, and what God seems to be leading me towards), I think there’s plenty for me to think about. I need to not procrastinate for the sake of procrastination, but I also shouldn’t rush headlong into marriage just because everyone says it’s the “next thing to do”.
That way, when I know God is telling me that I am ready, and Weimin is ready, I will really be ready to take the next step.
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
A Return to Biblical Worship!
Pastor Zhang again delivered a cracking sermon on Sunday, about the need for us to worship God in the way that He has dictated to us. In other words, he was exhorting us to return to Biblical Worship, as opposed to merely a diluted worship.
What a great sermon to follow up on his Nehemiah series! To doubly sweeten the whole experience, he was actually revealing the theme of 2011 for the church. “To return to Biblical Worship”. Usually, when he introduces the church’s theme for the year, I expect 45 minutes of agenda pushing to come up, something which I never did like. Yet this time, he managed to brilliantly marry the agenda with biblical exposition. The end result? A Word-centered sermon that called on people to respond to God, which coincided nicely with a theme that also calls for a return to the Word.
My heart was singing with gladness, since I was recently pushing for the Nurture Committee to take a good hard look at the level of biblical literacy we currently have in church, and to make that a priority for this year.
In my heart, I again heard the whisper of Edmund Chan, as he firmly declared that God is good, God is in control, and God will bring it to pass”!!
What a great sermon to follow up on his Nehemiah series! To doubly sweeten the whole experience, he was actually revealing the theme of 2011 for the church. “To return to Biblical Worship”. Usually, when he introduces the church’s theme for the year, I expect 45 minutes of agenda pushing to come up, something which I never did like. Yet this time, he managed to brilliantly marry the agenda with biblical exposition. The end result? A Word-centered sermon that called on people to respond to God, which coincided nicely with a theme that also calls for a return to the Word.
My heart was singing with gladness, since I was recently pushing for the Nurture Committee to take a good hard look at the level of biblical literacy we currently have in church, and to make that a priority for this year.
In my heart, I again heard the whisper of Edmund Chan, as he firmly declared that God is good, God is in control, and God will bring it to pass”!!
Monday, January 03, 2011
My First Ramble for the New Year!
Not too long ago, I was having a sort of conversation with someone in church, trying to get him/her to serve in a capacity that would require that person to be on stage.
I never expected the reply to be so familiar, since invariably the excuses I’m used to are usually the alleged lack of time or talent. Yet this person told me, “Its very stressful to be up there, where I feel that everyone is looking at me and listening to me. I have to try and practice so hard before I go up, that I get so stressed up over the whole business.”
Its familiar sounding because I realize that unknowingly, I have been leading worship for close to 9 years now, if not more. And the greatest resentment I had towards the church and towards my having to serve in that capacity, had to do with the fact that I felt very “judged”.
Worship is supposed to be about playing to an audience of One. It should never have been about me, my musicians, or about the quality of our music. Of course, if what we say is theologically wrong, or we have stumbled others by our words, then we should rightly be censured. However, I felt keenly the fact that people were more concerned with the quality of my “performance”, instead of focusing on the authenticity of my worship.
I would worry about singing off-pitch. I would be worried that people could not stand my broken Chinese. I would worry that my prayers and sharing sounded immature. I would worry that I had picked the wrong response song and people would be thinking how stupid I was to not pick a more appropriate one. I had so many worries, and it would make me literally sick to the stomach. People didn’t realize how much I appreciated the wooden pulpit in the chapel, since it hid my violently trembling legs every time I was on stage. I was terrified on every Sunday that I had to lead worship, and I resented that greatly. (And that’s not considering the previous trauma of having to PLAY for service!)
Today, I still struggle with the same things. Its still very hard for me to be on stage. Very few people realize how much I detest the experience, since I apparently wear a very convincing mask whenever I’m up there, but even after more than 9 years, having to be up there wearies me greatly.
I used to simply chalk it down to the fact that I’m actually a very fiercely introverted creature. Every single personality test I’ve taken can attest to it. And so I found it very natural that I would shun the stage. Yet after my conversation the other day, I suddenly wondered if my loathing towards the stage could also be a product of the culture that the church has.
If we had a culture of focusing more on what builds a person up instead of merely what is apparently “the right way”, if we had a lesser fixation on “excellence” and a greater emphasis on encouragement, if we placed building up a person on a higher priority than mere cosmetic achievements, MAYBE… maybe… maybe more people would have been willing to step up in church and serve, and maybe I would have been more comfortable on stage than I now am.
Being at Fort Canning, we now have a chance to break that mould. Old habits die hard, but I’m beginning to see a lot of encouraging signs that we’re moving in the right direction. But its so easy to stumble and lose our way at any time, once we get lost in the process and forget about the end-goal. So I guess that’s my prayer request for this year, for the church.
I pray that we’ll always always always love the people of God, more than we love the programs and agendas that we have in church. And so I will need to pray for our leaders, that they can keep a clear head, and focus on what’s of true significance.
P.S., I’m happy to say that the conversation had a happy ending. The person I was speaking to messaged me the other day, accepting the offer to serve on stage. The message said “I can only offer up my time to prepare, and leave all else to Him.”
I could not have summed it up better myself.
I never expected the reply to be so familiar, since invariably the excuses I’m used to are usually the alleged lack of time or talent. Yet this person told me, “Its very stressful to be up there, where I feel that everyone is looking at me and listening to me. I have to try and practice so hard before I go up, that I get so stressed up over the whole business.”
Its familiar sounding because I realize that unknowingly, I have been leading worship for close to 9 years now, if not more. And the greatest resentment I had towards the church and towards my having to serve in that capacity, had to do with the fact that I felt very “judged”.
Worship is supposed to be about playing to an audience of One. It should never have been about me, my musicians, or about the quality of our music. Of course, if what we say is theologically wrong, or we have stumbled others by our words, then we should rightly be censured. However, I felt keenly the fact that people were more concerned with the quality of my “performance”, instead of focusing on the authenticity of my worship.
I would worry about singing off-pitch. I would be worried that people could not stand my broken Chinese. I would worry that my prayers and sharing sounded immature. I would worry that I had picked the wrong response song and people would be thinking how stupid I was to not pick a more appropriate one. I had so many worries, and it would make me literally sick to the stomach. People didn’t realize how much I appreciated the wooden pulpit in the chapel, since it hid my violently trembling legs every time I was on stage. I was terrified on every Sunday that I had to lead worship, and I resented that greatly. (And that’s not considering the previous trauma of having to PLAY for service!)
Today, I still struggle with the same things. Its still very hard for me to be on stage. Very few people realize how much I detest the experience, since I apparently wear a very convincing mask whenever I’m up there, but even after more than 9 years, having to be up there wearies me greatly.
I used to simply chalk it down to the fact that I’m actually a very fiercely introverted creature. Every single personality test I’ve taken can attest to it. And so I found it very natural that I would shun the stage. Yet after my conversation the other day, I suddenly wondered if my loathing towards the stage could also be a product of the culture that the church has.
If we had a culture of focusing more on what builds a person up instead of merely what is apparently “the right way”, if we had a lesser fixation on “excellence” and a greater emphasis on encouragement, if we placed building up a person on a higher priority than mere cosmetic achievements, MAYBE… maybe… maybe more people would have been willing to step up in church and serve, and maybe I would have been more comfortable on stage than I now am.
Being at Fort Canning, we now have a chance to break that mould. Old habits die hard, but I’m beginning to see a lot of encouraging signs that we’re moving in the right direction. But its so easy to stumble and lose our way at any time, once we get lost in the process and forget about the end-goal. So I guess that’s my prayer request for this year, for the church.
I pray that we’ll always always always love the people of God, more than we love the programs and agendas that we have in church. And so I will need to pray for our leaders, that they can keep a clear head, and focus on what’s of true significance.
P.S., I’m happy to say that the conversation had a happy ending. The person I was speaking to messaged me the other day, accepting the offer to serve on stage. The message said “I can only offer up my time to prepare, and leave all else to Him.”
I could not have summed it up better myself.
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