One Day More

"One day more - another day, another destiny... This never-ending road to calvary..." so the song goes... and how often it feels that way.

Been a while since I penned down any serious thoughts... many things have happened since my last entry.

I'm officially a school dropout, having finally closed the painful episode of 5 unfruitful years in NUS. And only today, I've finally gone ahead to sign up with Stansfield for my Bsc in Management, school starts in March.

In the meantime, I've managed to get Paul hooked on DOTA, helped out with the registration for Project Timothy Evening Expositions, joined the newly started DG in the church, planned out the Levite Ministry direction for the year with Henry and Bernice, met up with the core group to talk abt the direction of the Youth Service for the next 5 yrs, helped plan and participate in a project to visit the old folks in Holland Close. Wow... Other than the godless DOTA, I guess I pretty much can apply for a salary from church oredi... Grins.

These days have been more a downer than anything else. I suspect its the weather. Hot sunny days always makes me feel so lethargic. I keep staying indoors to avoid the heat, and so feel more cooped up and restless. All in all, not a good time. Been feeling kindda down lately also, esp after catching up with Syl and all that's going on in her life of guys and all. Grins. I still kindda wish I could crush someone.

No, I don't mean sit on them, I mean have a crush on someone. Not nice to land the girl of my dreams in the hospital... Muahahahahaha... But yeah... it would be nice if I could find someone whom I can obsess about... if I could find someone whom I dare to start hoping that she would like me too. I'm watching my life go right by me right now, and the most depressing thought is how with both work and school coming up for the next three years, there's no way I'm gonna be able to fit in a girl. So that means I'd have gone FIVE years being alone before I even START looking for a new girlfriend.

Just stab me now...

Ah well. I suppose I could always just get a dog...

Watched Finding Neverland, absolutely loved it. I guess I really liked seeing the hopeless romantic come out tops for once. Esp so since this was at least partially based on a true story, no matter how much poetic license they took with it. Pple shd go watch it. The only thing which bothered me was the Irish accent that Johnny Depp had to take on. Never knew what that was about.

Oh, I now have a restraining order on Ruth. Not supposed to sms her, email her, or call her. Grins. I guess some parents do believe in my power to charm their little daughters.

Just got an email that Liya gave birth on Dec 4th, to baby Kathy. The baby's really really cute, from the pics I saw... hahaha... and Mervin's proposed to Huifen, they'll be getting married in 2 yrs' time. Scary how everyone seems to be moving on SO FAST man. I absolutely feel like a dinosaur...

恋爱症候群

有许多专家告诉我，他们说要以理性的态度谈恋爱，我常想，这些专家大概从来没有谈过恋爱。不信你试看看，谈恋爱你还会有理性，我想那大概是假。

关于恋爱症候群体发生原因，至今仍然是最大的一个谜，不管性别年龄职业体重学历长相和血型，没有一个人可以棉衣。有些专家学者研究后相信，恋爱是内分泌失调所引起，却有别人认为恋爱属于滤过性病毒，像感冒无药可救但会自动痊愈。不管你同不同意，自古到今许多例子证明，恋爱不但是一种病态，它还可能是一种变态。

一般发病后的出期反应会开始改变一些生活习性，洗澡洗得特别干净，刷牙刷得特别用力，半夜突然爬起来弹钢琴。有人每天站在阳台对路人傻笑，有人突然疯疯癫癫，突然很安静。有人一脸痴呆，对着镜子咬着指甲打喷嚏，有人对小狗骂三字情。女人突然改变发型，男人开始每天练着哑铃，食欲不振歇斯底里四肢萎缩神经过敏发抖抽筋都出现在这时期。

随着病情越来越变本加利，人会变得格外敏感，勇敢，涵哦心。写的，唱的，说的都像天才诗人一般才华洋溢，越肉麻越觉得有趣。有人恋爱之后，每天躲在厕所哭泣，有人开记者会宣布恋爱的消息，有人总是喜欢两个人躲在黑漆漆的地方，像做了不可告人的事情。每天忙着找人算命，挖空心思改变自己，配合对方的习性，把每天都当做纪念日，把自己当作纪念品。

每天漫无目的腻在一起，言不及义也觉得好有趣。走者坐者躺着趴着都形影不离，像是两人三脚又像连体婴。

心里想的只有爱你爱你爱你，也不管家里米缸有没有米，也不管路上有人示威抗议，只管爱你。心里想的只有爱你爱你爱你，也不管海峡两岸统一问题，也不管衣索匹亚多少难民，只管爱你。

经过一段轰轰烈烈热恋时期，不久就会开始渐渐痊愈，两人开始互相厌倦，互相攻击对方缺点，所有甜蜜都随风而去。然后开始从错觉和误解中清醒，惊讶自己为何如此不聪明。为了爱情不管一切，不顾父母朋友姐妹兄弟，开始感到后悔不已。然后开始感到疲惫沉闷气喘心悸牙病头痛梦呓。然后是精神不济瞳孔放大脾气暴躁四肢麻痹终于受不了要分离。

虽然结果颇令人伤心，了解之后也没什么了不起。爱情终究是握不住的云，只是我想要告诉你。哦... 在我落寞的岁月里，你的温柔解脱我的孤寂。带给我深深的狂喜，如此颤动着我的心灵 – 轻轻诉说爱你爱你爱你，不管是黑夜或是黎明，不管是梦中或是清醒，深深爱你。我要对你说爱你爱你爱你，不管是黑夜或是黎明，不管是梦中或是清醒，深深爱你。

多么幸福让我遇见你。

There And Back Again

"How do you pick up the threads of your old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend, some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold."

- Frodo Baggins

Better Man

Think I've just been too tired lately to actually blog. So I'm just using songs to express the mood and general tone of my life right now.

Better Man
Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In the pouring rain
Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel I'm getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doing all I can
To be a better man

Go easy on my conscience
'Cause it's not my fault
I know I've been taught
To take the blame
Rest assured my angels
Will catch my tears
Walk me out of here
I'm in pain

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doing all I can
To be a better man

Once you've found that lover
You're homeward bound
Love is all around
Love is all around
I know some have fallen
On stony ground
But Love is all around

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In the pouring rain
Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel I'm getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doin' all I can
To be a better man

Learn to be Lonely

The new song that Andrew Llyod Weber wrote for for the movie version of Phantom of The Opera.

Learn To Be Lonely
Child of the wilderness
Born into emptiness
Learn to be lonely
Learn to find your way in darkness

Who will be there for you
Comfort and care for you
Learn to be lonely
Learn to be your one companion

Ever dreamed, out in the world
There are arms to hold you?
You've always known
Your heart was on it's own

So laugh in your loneliness
Child of the wilderness
Learn to be lonely
Learn how to love
Life that is lived alone

Learn to be lonely
Life can be lived
Life can be loved
Alone

Sometimes, I have a feeling this will be the song I want engraved on my tombstone. The story of my life.

Another Day

Another day passes, as they inevitably do. And yet another day spent wishing I could live in my Peter Pan world and never have to face up to the responsibilities of adulthood.

Yes.

Adulthood.

A word that I kept putting off, rather like how I used to shrug NS off as an event that will always be dated in the future, never to come to pass. (Incidentally, the same attitude that I'm now having towards this small problem called IPPT. Hehz...)

Ah well. Tomorrow I'm gonna spend the day cleaning up my room, and hopefully I'll be done by the end of the day. Hopefully. Not my usual procrastination I swear, but the fact that cleaning up my room usually takes 3 days when I factor in my procrastination, such is the level of skill I've acquired in really cluttering up my room. So yes, hopefully I'll be done by tomorrow night. Wednesday morning I'll be sending Simon off to San Diego, followed by a trip to NUS to officially and formally withdraw from the school. Rest of the day will bespent walking along the Esplanade, fighting the temptation ot jump into the river and never surfacing. If pass that test of manhood, mebbe I'll cough up enough balls to start growing up and go around exploring the different options I have around me - of both work as well as academic alternatives.

And as promised, I am now penning down the deeply disturbing and yet intriguingly hilarious fact that Paul told me today he used to learn ballet and was a tambourine dancer.

Yes.

He NEVER did mention it to me till now, that creep. Muahahahaha...

What started as a bad evening with a sore bust-up with my parents turned out prety well by the end of the day, by the time I had to accompany Paul down to the National Library to declare that "I've " lost a book. Naturally, he is the culprit - using my i/c to borrow a book cos he's barred from borrowing any himself, already having misplaced a book he borrowed with his own i/c eons ago. Walked around town after that where I learned the news of his wayward youth. After that went down to Simon's house to attend a small gathering to meet up with him one more time before he flies off on wed morning. Ah well. He threw a really nice surprise tea for me when everyone thought I was off to Monash, so I'm glad we were able to do this for him.

I think on the whole I'm starting to look ahead more instead of being held back by my past. I'm desperately praying that such a sentiment will last. Mebbe if I am able to keep this up, I'll start righting a lot of the wrong that I've chalked up over the past 5 yrs, and stop being forever pegged back by the memories.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Of course, everyone her who has my blog address has been giving nothing but the fullest support, and had the decency to not give me the scolding which I probably richly deserve for mucking up so badly. Grins.

Here's to another 5 yrs of blogging, and may this report card start looking better.

After all, its only got one way to go - up.

One For The Road

After playing out Paul tonight, guess here's a song that keeps haunting me, that he mentioned he liked. A song that I always loved, and as a matter of fact haunts me partially cos its my phone ringtone.

Take care, all my blog readers. I'll be back after the weekened.

后来
后来我总算学会了如何去爱

可惜你早已远去

消失在人海

后来终于在眼泪中明白

有些人一旦错过就不再

橘子花，白花瓣
落在我蓝色百褶裙上

“爱你“你轻声说

我低下头闻见一阵芬芳

那个永恒的夜晚
十七岁仲夏
你吻我的那个夜晚

让我往后的时光
每当有感叹

总想起当天的星光

那时候的爱情
为什么就能那样简单

而又是为什么人年少时

一定要让深爱的人受伤

在这相似的深夜里
你是否一样

也在静静追悔感伤

如果当时我们能不那么倔强

现在也不那么遗憾

你都如何回忆我
带着笑或是很沉默

这些年来有没有人能让你不寂寞

后来我总算学会了如何去爱

可惜你早已远去消失在人海

后来终于在眼泪中明白

有些人一旦错过就不再

永远不会再重来

有一个男孩爱着那个女孩

Awake at 4... (con't)

Tomorrow's my retreat.

And even as I again sit down at the computer to pen these mindless thoughts, the feeling of impotence is magnified by the fact that I can't even begin to set down in words the negativity of my thoughts. And so in this vicious circle of pessimism by which I continue to let my emotions spiral downwards, I'm being kept awake at 4 in the morning - afraid of being awake and confronted by what's ravaging my mind, and being afraid of sleep and what will inevitably ravage my dreams.

What's so bad about a failed relationship and a failed degree, that it should be able to thus wreck my sanity and wholeness of being? Didn't it use to be about doing my QT, memorizing scriptures and generally being a good christian? Didn't it always use to be about loving people, being nice and humble, and serving others, looking out for their good cos if you serve the least of them, you are serving Christ? Why is all that not enough anymore?

Right now, I'd have traded all of that in exchange for a successful relationship and a degree.

Damned if I did that, and damned if I didn't.

If only God had taken me back at 18. Before I was expected to start living out my potential, and let the weight of expectations get to me. Before the world realized just how truly pathetic I actually am inside. Before anyone, and especially myself, could truly see who I am and the lie I've lived all my life. Who am I kidding with a facade of someone who's doing ok in life? What kind of business do I have going around talking to people, trying to help them out, and even remotely sounding like I am in any position to be of any help to anyone? Of the many who died in the tsunami, couldn't God have traded anyone else there for me instead? So that one more man with integrity and something to show for in life could have lived, and by taking his place I would have at least done one useful thing in my life.

Ironic that I shd be the one whom everyone in church envies, for being able to chuckle at life, and to deal so well with the many 'sad things' that have happened to me. It almost feels like a show sometimes. I put up a good act, and in turn people buy it and love me. I hardly know if those who love me know the real me. I hardly know the real me anymore, in fact. Is this really the sad act that I've become, or has this been me all along?

I guess Grace made the right choice to dump me after all. And I guess MOE did the right thing to terminate my contract. I'm just waiting for the day the church also wisens up and removes me from ministry. And finally the day I wake up, and have the balls to decide that I ought to do the world a favour and just kill myself.

In the meantime, I guess the show must go on...

Sad Clown
Say, how’s the weather?
So I look out the window to brighten my soul
But I can’t control the rain that keeps falling
Smile on the outside – never comes in
Comedy, mystery, irony, tragedy
So I scream let the show begin

You break me open
Turn on the lights,
Stumble inside with me

Do I entertain you?
Do I preoccupy you with my wit
To cover this lie, are you mesmerized
Do you think me faithful?
Do you think me a clown?
I picked out this shirt, put on this hat
Wore all this paint just for you

Much Afraid
Empty again, sunken down so far

So scared to fall, might not get up again
So I lay at Your feet all my brokenness
I carry all of my burdens to You

All of these things held up in vain
No reason no rhyme, just the scars that remain
All of these things – I’m so much afraid

Scared out of my mind by the demons I’ve made
Sweet Jesus You’ll never ever let me go

So happy to love
Yet so far to go
You lead me on
To where I’ve never been before

Awake at 4...

My Immortal
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time can not erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time can not erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

Goal 2010

Its official. I really really suck in my studies, and my lack of academic aptitude has been proven by 4.5 yrs of abject failure. Yes, I failed my semester yet again. And so even as I start of the New Yr on a note of optimism in my last post, I am again reminded of the brutal truth that whatever starts off in my mind inevitably stays in my mind. No way does my status quo in real life change simply because of a change in paradigm or perspective. So now I aim for Goal 2010 - the date I am gonna graduate by.

Its been a really tiring day, but one in which I have strangely enjoyed mself.

Started the morning by going up to the vice-dean only to hear her confirm my death sentence in NUS. So I will now probably be quitting the school, go work for a while before re-applying for NUS. Then I had lunch with Sylvia, and went to SKS with her. We talked a lot, about the options open to me, and about her and Johann. And yes, the topic of Grace again cropped up. Hard not to, since she was shopping for books on BGR, and she was talking abt her r/s with Johann, where she persists in living in that peculiar state of denial about. She keeps claiming that she feels its wrong so they shd not be together, but yet they just about engage in all the activities that a boy and a girl engage in if they were dating each other. Save the making out, of course. Grins.

Then settled down for dinner with Baoyu, Desmond, Daoxing, Weibin, Simon and Weixiu. I guess somehow we've all roughly known each other for at least 10 yrs... a really scary thought at how far we've each come. Scarier was the thought at how everyone seems to have moved on to another phase of life, while I still remain entrenched in my state of perpetual under-achievement. Still, self-pity aside, it was a really really great night of very open sharing towards our struggles in love and life. Desmond was sharing about his non-christian jap girlfriend, Weixiu was sharing about her resignation towards the prospects of singlehood as well as the over-commitments she has made towards ministry. Simon was sharing about his exchange to San Diego... the fears and worries he has over his r/s with Charlotte, his discipline while over there, and also his family. Daoxing was sharing about the same kind of directionlessness that I could absolutely empathize with. Weibin surprised me by opening up a lot about his family problems, and the tension that existedin his family because of his parents' estrangement, and how his father's leaving the church and God was such a blow to him.

Baoyu shared much about her struggles in the corporate ladder, and what a tough job it is to mainatin even a shred of christian integrity in the workplace. Her problem is that her integrity is apparently so unquestioned that she 2 of her senior directors confided in her at the same time about their plans to sell each other out. Hahahahaha... as much as I could see the humour and irony of the situation, it was plainly evident that it was a really painful incident to find herself in. Its certainly raised my respect towards Baoyu yet again. She may not be the most flexible and savvy person to work with in ministry, nor someone whom you turn to for charismatic leadership, but at least no one can ever dare to accuse her of not having tried her best, at living out a life where her actions in both the workplace as well as in church are congruent with what she professes. Turned out to be a really sober lesson on how there's so much more on life that I have yet to experience and face up to.

As for me, as I again step back into square one after 5 yrs of wandering in the wilderness, I hope that I will have finally learnt my lesson, and picked up the broken pieces of my life.

If Only

If all we lost somehow came back
If all that died again would grow
If only it was so
These are the loneliest words I know

If all our dreams were golden
And never black or grey
If all our dreams came true
Then we'd never have to say

If only it was so
These are the loneliest words I know

If all our dreams were golden
And never black or grey
If all our dreams came true
Then we'd never have to say

If only it was so
These are the loneliest words I know
These are the loneliest words I know

My Prayer for 2005...

And so another year has passed, and I step into 2005. No fanfare, no great anticipation, and with hardly a hint that anything has changed, I stepped into yet another year. 2004 has hardly been a good year for me by any stretch of the imagination, and pretty much not so for the world.

I guess with every eye and ear trained on the Tsunami tragedy that hit 9 Asian countries, I could hardly get away with no mention of it on my blog. With the death toll at the current count hitting almost 130,000, its hard to even picture the destruction that took place. It makes 9/11 look like a picnic, esp since the ultimate death toll there was barely 0.1% of the figure here, and we are nowhere near the final estimate of the total number who lost their lives. I guess at a time when I mourn my personal tragedy of a life hardly lived, focusing so much on my failures, hurts and disappointments, the tsunami has served as a graphic reminder to me of a bigger picture that exists in the world, where I am truly amongst the very blessed.

Its really hard to recall what has passed in this year, since everything seems all meshed together as "the past", and I was never one who was good with dates. Yeah, both in terms of calendar, and with girls. But it really struck me over the New Yr as I was reflecting... that I never seem to be able to recall the high points, but always remain mirred in the lower points of my life. This chronic ungratefulness seems to unceasingly pervade my thoughts all year round.

So if there ever was a resolution that I ought to make in the coming year, it would be that I need to learn to give thanks. Not the perfucctory action of giving thanks "in spite of" that every christian has been trained to do unthinkingly, but the ability to really see God's silver lining on every dark cloud, that my thanks are never tinged with all the fatalism that I always muster, but will always be one that is immersed in the hope that God is indeed still somehow holding me in His grace.

Hopefully, this year wil find me better off in love and life also. I realised I really am very picky when it comes to a girl. Unlike my gay partner, I at least seem to somehow have been able to muster up enough courage, (by defalut of not having the balls to do what he did,) and not settled for my ex. Yet the unfortunate thing is that for a person who always clings to the past, and always longs for what I have grown accustomed to, its always a really big challenge to move on. I just got scolded by Serene and Weixiu tonight for being so picky, something that Jin Liang recetly took me to task for also. Yet I have come to appreciate the almost sacredness of a relationship, that I know I would always cheapen if I ever took the short route.

So another resolution this yr is to indeed learn to give thanks... for all the people that are in my life... for which I have been truly blessed with more than a fair number. To give thanks for them, and learn to content myself with the fellowship and love they offer... and stop hankering for something more that is not mine to ask, nor mine to covet.

Today I just attended the ceremony of that officially launches our new church - Providence Presbyterian Church. ORPC Mandarin Congregation ceases to exist as of yesterday, and this indeed marks a really different milestone in the church's pilgrimage. Chen Mu Shi retired yesterday, and so again the polemic emotions that inevitably goes hand in hand with each other is what greets the whole congregation as we today herald our new church moderator, Liu Mu Shi. After that we had a really long meeting at Bernice's place, to discuss the futrue of the youth ministry... but I keep having the thought that we shd have done this 3 yrs ago. But I guess we just need to ploughh on now with what we have, and trust that His grace will indeed be sufficient for us, and that in our weaknesses, he will always show His strength whenever we show our availability.

Make My Life A Prayer To You
Make my life a prayer to You
I wanna do what You want me to
No empty words and no white lies
No token prayers, no compromise
I wanna shine the light You gave
Through Your Son
You sent to save us
From ourselves and our despair
It comforts me to know You’re really there

I wanna thank You now
For being patient with me
Oh it's so hard to see
When my eyes are on me
I guess I'll have to trust
And just believe what You say
You’re coming again
Coming to take me away

I wanna die and let You give
Your life to me so I might live
And share the hope You gave to me
The love that's set me free
I wanna tell the world out there
You’re not some fable or fairy tale
That I've made up inside my head
You're God the Son
You've risen from the dead