God In The Wilderness

Well, lotsa things have happened also in the past few days. Paul received an administrative discharge from the SAF, for one. Weixiu started work at Reuters. My laptop got seriously screwed up by the guys at the Computer Center, Weimin fell terribly sick, and my mom dropped the bombshell on me that I'm to accompany her, my dad and my aunt to the Hainanese Island in Dec.

Whew! Ah well. But anyway, I was really really happy on sunday, seeing Henry back on the pulpit, leading worship. Hehz... Its been one and a half years since he left the church after falling out with Andrew, until he came back to play for the Youth Service. And to see him take yet another step forward to lead worship once again... Its something that's very encouraging.

We met at Zhang Mu Shi's place again yesterday, and we watched this video called "The Cross-Jesus in Asia". And I guess after being pretty jaded as a Christian in Singapore, its amazing to see how God is really doing things in China. How their lives are being changed all over again. How they have a "reality" to their hope, that goes beyond mere rhetoric and ideals. The testimonies of how a broken marriage can be restored by the new found faith of just the wife, and how drug addicts find the ability to quit their addiction... And Zhang Mu Shi raised the question later of what is it that these pple have, that our church doesn't? What did these pple do that enabled them to really change their lives in accordance with what the bible says? So that when the Bible exhorts us to clap our hands and sing to the Lord, they can genuinely do so. While back in my own church I feel no such inclination at all? I guess even the word "jaded' doesn't really come close to describing the overall cynicism and lethargy that I feel in church now on most days. And when I feel such an impulse to praise, it almost automatically gets suppressed back as emotionalism and I choose to restrain myself.

So Zhang Mu Shi was talking also abt how he feels the core of it lies in how they love. And I guess 1 Cor 13 has been something that's been ringing in my ears for pretty much the whole year so far already. I've lost count of the number of times it has come up in my mind on occasions, in conversations, and even in sermons. It almost seems that God's absolutely hollering away at me with that passage. Anyway, Zhang Mu Shi went on to talk abt how God is the source of love, and how ultimately it is love and love alone that provides a way out from mere justice, and that can also bring about a life transformation. And right there and then, it all made sense to me. That how jaded I am is a reflection of how far I've strayed away from God, that I've even become cynical abt His love for me. I mean, I still have a great love for the fact that God died for me, but it somehow no longer motivates me to have a gratitude that will react to it beyond mere apathy.

He went on to talk abt how he was reading a book on God being outside in the wilderness already. Kindda like what Chris Chia just shared on Saturday when I went for service. How we've all become leaders who serve the church rather than God, who worship in church rather than worship God. How we've gradually let so many of our experiences in church and in life supercede the reality of God in our life, that gradually God just becomes more and more abstract, more and more distant. Until He get reduced into a doctrine, and becomes deified in our lives.

It's food for thought.

Speaking of food, his wife is really really such an excellent cook man. I always overeat at his house. Afterwards we had a really good time, where Zhang Mu Shi, Bernice and I stayed back to discuss the outlook of our church and particularly the Youth Ministry for the next few years. We were talking abt the merger between the youth fellowship and the Sunday school. I told him I think the current plan is absolutely untenable, and he felt the same. So we put our heads together, and came up with a really cool proposal. Now I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that the idea gets its airtime. Then we went on to talk abt the direction of the Youth Ministry, and how we can do something abt the current lethargy that's so evident in it. We talked abt a lot of the problems that the leaders currently faced, we talked abt LiJuan, and how Bernice and I feel she's' done such an excellent job but are worried that if she's given the portfolio of the Sunday sch as well it'll crush her.

And finally, we also talked abt Andrew. Zhang Mu Shi asked my opinion. Hehz... Man, I always thought I was not very disciplined... But boy, did I show restraint man. Grins. But I guess I always knew that Andrew was one big issue in my personal life that I need to address. I've always found it easy to forgive someone. Yet Andrew is the first person whom until this day if anyone mentions his name, I still feel a keen sense of resentment in me. Resentment at what he did to me and Grace (Yes, Paul's gonna mention how her name inevitably crops up, bloody idiot.), resentment at what he's done to the Youth Ministry, and an overall desire to see something done to him to address the wrong that he's done so many.

I guess that's why God's been trying so hard to drill into me the message of love.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

And so were ended up thinking what could have gone wrong in the life of a man who showed so much promise in church. He was supposed to be the next big thing. He had just abt everything. Passion, commitment, a love for God's Word, talent, capability, leadership, charisma... You name it, he's got it. And I got a personal lesson in how pride can be the worst of all sins. His ministries all showed so much promise, yet inevitably collapsed on itself. And when it does, he blames everyone in the whole church except himself. That's how he drove Henry and Patrick from his side. That's how he lost the regard of the whole church leadership. And that's why he's left with nothing except a fellowship that isn't doing too well at the moment also.

I remember Simon telling me to learn to pray for him. And its been just abt the hardest thing I've ever done. Which is something I still can't figure out. Its even easier to pray for Grace (Yes, there's the name again), and she's the one who hurt me the most. What is it abt Andrew that I find so hard to swallow?

I think that's something for me to think and pray abt for the week...

One Week On...

So its been yet another week since I last wrote in here. And for a guy who talks abt how his life just doesn't seem to be going anywhere, so much seems to just slip by each week, that I thought abt penning down, but always never get down to it. And now that I am staring once again at this screen in front of me, my thoughts just seem to go absolutely nowhere at all.

Fell sick over the weekend, where we had a pretty good time at Weixiu's house, celebrating the Mid-Autumn Festival a little early. I think we all had a really great time, and its always times like this that I thank God for, where people that's come in and out of my life sporadically always appear, and I look at guys whom I've hung out with for the past 12 years already. Its a very familiar feeling, knowing that these are the guys who hung ard, who have seen practically the worst of me, and all the masks that I've tried on. And I guess I could use a little more of that right now.

Spent the rest of the weekend feeling absolutely miserable. Down with a really bad bout of flu, fever and sore throat, all of which just made me feel like dying really isn't as scary a thought as a life perpetually composed of these three illnesses.

Back home on sunday night, my mom suddenly chose to break down and spent the next 3 hours past midnight to sob her heart out abt how she really cannot stand things anymore, and she wants a divorce. And I guess this really isn't news to me anymore, esp since its pretty obvious that my parents don't exactly have a lotta affection towards each other, to put it mildly. Best thing I've learnt from watching my parents in action was never how to show my affections, but how to hide my emotions. And I guess that was also why her breakdown that night came as twice a shock. Guess I alwso was pretty much caught unawares, and had absolutely no idea what to do except sit beside her for a while, and then stay up till she went to bed.

On Monday I met Genliang for lunch in sch, and we talked for an incredible 4 hrs. He was sharing with me how he himself felt a little uncomfortable with how the church seems to be on such bad terms with Andrew, and was hard pressed to not disparage Andrew, while trying to tell Genliang what's going on. But I guess he did point out what's important. Despite all the jadedness with which I carry myself most days, I recognize that a church that wants to preach love and unity cannot allow such an obvious situation sit around, while turning a blind eye to it. Cos honestly, no matter how much we all seem to find reasons that say Andrew is at fault, the fact is none of us really want to take the effort to either pray for him, or try to reconcile our differences.


Tuesday I met Chongzhi for a while, and he was sharing with me how he's picking himself up again after breakingup with girlfriend of 4 years. Hehz... yeah, I told him I've been down that road before, and know how it feels. Ah well. Met Paul fro a while where we watched Dodgeball. Pretty hilarious show. After that, we picked up Sophie's present, and I went fro cell group. Had a pretty good time there that night, dunno why. I actually really do enjoy the fellowship of the cell, and except for the really really non-existent bible study, this is a great cell to be in.

Of course, there's always something to spoil the evening, and this time was no exception. I just kept bumping into Grace all night long, be in when coming into church, going to the toilet, or when going back. Shit. I still dunno how to react when I bump into her. Am just waiting for her to leave the church with Andrew, so that these awkward moments will all disappear. Grins.

Wednesday came and passed. Watched Raising Helen with Gabriel and Weixiu. Was one of those sweet romantic comedies. It really was pretty dunny, I guess, and Kate Hudson always looks stunning. But sentiments aside, it was a pretty badly scripted show. I dunno if it was due to any censorship, cos otherwise the editing wasn't too fantastic as well. But ah well, what the heck.

Was thinking of the song 爱情电影, which expressed the sentiment of one who wistfully looks at romance movies, and desperately longs for love. The person thinks of the things he woudl have done differently from how the hero would have, and how much harder he would have tried. And I guess that's always something I find myself almost involuntarily musing abt everytime I watch a romance movie. I wouldn't have walked away here... I wouldn't have lost my temper there... I would have understood what she was trying to say...

爱情电影
是虚构的电影
却看到泪翻滚
如果爱不那麽深
结局是不是就不会伤人

在别人的剧本
演自己的缘份
如果爱要我牺牲
我不怕梦里沈沦或变笨

换成我，在爱情的角色里
再孤单，再多馀
我也不会忘记入戏

换我在曲折的世界里
再空虚，再别离
不到落幕不会离去

爱上你，天天天天思念你
忘忘忘忘自己
再不要谁和我对戏
爱若让人患上记忆
只因此生此景
有你
只因此情此时，爱你

Yet when look at real-life romances, I find 2 happy couples in my church out of maybe 200 that I know. And the other 198 couples that fail to make it happily ever... what becomes of them? I look at my own parents who failed to make it, and I start looking at my dad. He's the kind of man that parents would generally prescribe their daughters to marry, save for the fact that he ain't rich enough. Dependable, honest, helpful, kind, with basically a good heart, and who gives in to the wife most of the time. But as far as making any effort to connect with the family emotionally or even raqtionally, he's just about the most apathetic guy I've come across. No wonder my mom feels like she's been living alone for just about forever.

And I guess the question that keeps looming in my head is whether or not I'll ever come across as not being good enough for the girl. Self-esteem aside, given my perennial ability to underachieve and undersell myself, I don't think I have anything to offer a girl, that can keep her by my side. I guess there's a pretty fine line to draw between commitment and resignation. In both cases, she's gonna stick by your side. But to live the bulk of your life in resignation could just very well be the worst form of hell for both parties.

爱了就算

爱了就算

觉得孤单，心绪摇晃
分分又合合的情事难断
披着月光没人作伴
我的笑，我的泪不敢多讲

爱的路上，谁不受伤
越多的渴望就越觉沧桑
顶着阳光，一路去闯
眼角泪光你不去想

有些甜总是无人分享
有些苦你也要自己去尝
有些寂寞也仿佛是永远不可能忘
最爱的人常不在身旁
人生本来它就是这样
也总要学着爱了就算
爱过就放

爱了就算，没有负担
爱过就放别为难
就算受伤，又怎样
有过一次痴狂
一生难忘

爱的路上谁不受伤
越多的渴望就越觉沧桑
顶着阳光，一路去闯
眼角泪光
我不去想
你不去想

READ THIS B4 YOU DATE AGAIN PENG!!!

I've really enjoyed the last 2 days, going down to GCTC for this 2 nights talk by L.T. Jeyachandran, the excutive director of RZIM Singapore. I guess every now and then when my faith seems a little more hollow, I will need to be reminded again of what it is all about. Its been a really strange couple of days. Weixiu has gone to KL, Weimin and Enhan have been pretty pre-occupied with their r/s problems, Paul has also been swamped with work and r/s, and so all of a sudden the immediate circle of close friends I've had around me are not around. And ironically, having spent the last 3 days reminding both Weimin and Enhan that I never realised how much I lost until I no longer had someone I could call my own, whom I can claim a certain degree of exclusivity over and from, the truth just hits me all the harder at a time like this.

Yet out of such a situation, I've just spent today alone catching up Joel, Aaron, Angelina and Andrew Wang. Not to mention make a new friend in the talks (a third yr dentistry student called Ian), and also time with Sylvia yesterday, and hearing her talk abt her r/s with Johann, and how she's feeling a little uncomfortable with it right now.

I guess after whining abt how lonely I suddenly felt, God read my blog and decided to throw me an avalanche. Hehz... It really was nice catching up with Joel, and even Angelina, whom I still haven't really figured out. Andrew Wang is still just a little hard to fathom, it seems like he lives in a world of his own. Still, I genuinely like the guy, and I like to think he doesn't bear me any false friendship either.

And oh yeah, on top of the number of pple I spoke to in just this day, throw in the fact that I spent more than 2 hrs talking to Enhan as well. He was mostly talking abt his r/s with Weimin, so I took some time to hear him out. I guess at the end of the day, I see so much abt the 2 of them that reminds me of the mistakes me and Grace made. The resentment of one person asking for more time and the other not willing to give any more, getting caught up in a lot of secondary issues that ends up making both sides forget why they were together in the first place, or even the lack of any spiritual element in the r/s altogether.

Yet one thing that I cannot fathom is that Enhan so absolutely doesn't get Weimin at all, it absolutely blows my mind away. I think even Ben or Michael atually understands her better than her boyfriend does. Yet against the situation, she has stuck by him for the past 3 years and more. I guess I can appreciate the fact that there will be things abt the r/s that she doesn't want to let go of, or even doesn't dare to let go of. I can understand the fear of facing the hurt that would come with letting go of a lengthy r/s. All that I can appreciate, and empathize. But for my life, I cannot understand how the existence of such a r/s can be termed one of a strong commitment. One of the things I warned Weimin against very strongly was not letting contempt seep into the r/s. Mebbe not as strong a word as contempt, but the air of dismissal that comes with the total absence of expectations simply because she doesn't believe in him for anything more. Cos that was one of the most fatal blows that came into my r/s.

Syl labels it as a commitment, and Weimin herself also likes to think of it as her way of being committed. Of course, I won't comment on that to her, esp not at a time like this. But I can't help shuddering on the inside, that I could one day end up with a woman who totally has nothing that keeps me by her side save for that stubborn act of not letting go that she labels a commitment. And that's a really scary thought. Even more scary when I realised that Paul also just wrote abt how he didn't want to end up in a life without passion, like his parents. And I think a r/s held together by mere stubborn willpower ends up a lifeless thing.

Yet when I sit down and ask myself where I would draw the line between a commitment, and the discernment that its time to let go, I don't have a clue. I guess that's gonna be something I want to work out before I get into a new r/s.

Just dropping in

Had this really really wierd dream last night, where I was roped into a theatre production. Nothing too wierd there, since it was always one of my childhood ambitions - next to being Superman and Bill Gates.

But this time round, lemme list the pple who were inside - my primary sch vice-principal, my sec sch discipline master, this really really annoying classmate in sec sch, Huifen (Mervin's gf), Weimin, Xiying... and I forgot the rest.

And I remember abt halfway through the play, everyone in the audience just seemed to disappear, and I went from being a performer to being part of the audience.

Anyway, just had to put this down because this is about as stupid a dream as I ever hope to have.

Life's Little Ironies

Attended the wake at Crystal's house for her mom. Its always just a little awkward at funerals cos you dunno how the person is grieving, and how the conversation shd go. I guess it can be more sombre if he or she is obviously very affected by it, but funerals are inevitably a time of reunions, and reunions are always characterized by a lot of joy at meeting up with some whose friendship we used to enjoy and cherish, but have lost touch with over the years. So when we break out in jokes and smiles, it always leaves me feeling slightly apprehensive as to whether or not we're being insensitive.

If that wasn't morose enough, Weimin and Ham have spent the last few days fighting pretty badly and nearly broke up again tonight. Both ended up coming to me, and I really didn't know what to say man. Was talking to Weixiu abt it, and she personally doesn't see her sister going anywhere with him. But sometimes she's overly pragmatic abt issues la. As much as I agree with what she said, I guess having been in a r/s myself, I can understand how inexplicably one sometimes chooses to love in spite of everything seemingly stacked against it.

Bumped into Grace today at the church staircase while I was in conversation with someone else. And I realised that what I felt was not the wistful feeling of half wondering abt what could have been, nor the strong anger I bore towards her... but there still lingers that feeling of disappointment in her, and in how it turned out. Just dunno what to make of it. So far from what Paul has been saying to me, Joz has indeed grown a lot over the past few years, and I do wonder if Grace would be a much more different person in 3 years' time. And if it were possible for us to ever get back together again. But I guess the biggest difference is that Paul has never really stopped loving Joz, but I've gotten over Grace already. Shit. So if nothing works out, I don't even have the option of getting back with my ex. Beginning to feel really screwed now. Hehz...

Been spending the last 2 weeks feeling really lonely on some days. And its not so much that I'm spending less time with Paul now. I used to feel that way a few months back also. Its almost like a cycle that has come back again. And so I look at Weimin and Ham, and I so do not want to see their r/s end. One of those moronic little sentiments that wants to tell them to cherish what they have, having had the bitter taste of realising how much I lost only after no longer having someone to call my own.

Yet everytime I come before God nowadays, I feel that the more acure my sense of loneliness, the more He wants me to stay this way. The very sure feeling I've not had in quite a while, that I'll need to wait out at least the next 2 to 3 years. And that's a really depressing thought. But its the feeling I've not had since the notion that I shd choose SAJC, which turned out to really be a right choice. I actually dare to say I recognize such a feeling, and I geuss I'm not to0 happy with it.

But ah well. I don't really see any immediate possibilities right now. Everyone keeps saying Weixiu, but something just tells me that either she's not the one, or at least not yet. So I carry on in my daily life with a certain degree of wistfulness and a keen awareness of how much I'll have to not rush into a new r/s, but learn to bide my time... and truly learn what it means to cherish my next r/s. The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. And so I longfor the day when I can rejoice, when That which was lost has been found again.

Almost...

Yeah, its 4 in the morning, and I'm still awake. Hehz... what's new?

I think if I were to ever use one word to describe my life so far, it would surely have to be the word "almost". The point being that my whole life seems to have been characterized by the things that I've failed to accomplish and achieve. Be it a spiritual life that has suffered an unending series of false starts, to a course in NUS that doesn't appear successful by any stretch of imagination, or a relationship where I almost could have worked harder at making it last.

Continuing along that train of thought would be a period of ministry in Campus Crusade that ended more acrimonious than when it had begun, a piano course that stopped short of finishing my Grace 8, a series of ministries in church where I knew I should have ended much better than I did.

To be honest, I think I'm really hard pressed to name any accomplishment if mine that I can be rightly proud to claim as my own, for which I can be duly credited for.

So as I reflect upon the state of affairs in my life, I'm trying hard to think of how I can look upon it so as to not veer into another strain of self-abasement or self-pity. And I find myself living in a really peculiar state of grace. Peculiar simply because I think I've already had more than enough chances to set things straight in my life, which I have steadfastly spurned. And yet in the face of such ingratitude and stupidity, I am still offered chance after chance at redemption.

I guess if I carry on in such a manner, my tombstone would be the saddest of all epitaphs - chronicling the tragic life of a man doomed to a state of perpetual inconsequence despite having been dealt with a more than decent lot in life, simply out of an obstinance that refused to move out of his apathy and lethargy.

Ah well. These 4 yrs have been years that I lost, and which I find myself very lost in. And as I continue to labour on in search of my redemption, and I continue to contemplate its discovery in church ministry, relationships, personal time, quiet time, or even in my family, I think at the end of the day its all going to boil down to the fact that I'm still waiting to grow up. Either something was left out of my education, or I wasn't looking when they were teaching the lesson - but I'm still wondering how do I grow up. Of course, physically I will have a lot to tone down, hehz... But how the hell does one grow up? By experiencing life? By putting one through grief and discipline? By willing it?

Hehz... whatever it is, I think I have a lot of that to catch up on man. In the meantime, in my state of seemingly perpetual inconsequence, I shall go back to my inconsequential musings.

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Just that I have to point out what a great friend Paul has turned out to be. I mean, busy as he is, he keeps trying to find time for me, pushing aside meetings, calling me when he's free, and generally still trying to look out for me. This despite my non-efforts at maintaining the friendship, which he has rightly chastised me for in recent weeks. Grins. What a terrible friend I've turned out to be. So amongst my inconsequential musings, I shall need to take time out for some self-reflection on my ingratitude.

Only... would such reflections taking place during inconsequential musings be equally inconsequential?

Whatever.

=)