God In The Wilderness

Well, lotsa things have happened also in the past few days. Paul received an administrative discharge from the SAF, for one. Weixiu started work at Reuters. My laptop got seriously screwed up by the guys at the Computer Center, Weimin fell terribly sick, and my mom dropped the bombshell on me that I'm to accompany her, my dad and my aunt to the Hainanese Island in Dec.

Whew! Ah well. But anyway, I was really really happy on sunday, seeing Henry back on the pulpit, leading worship. Hehz... Its been one and a half years since he left the church after falling out with Andrew, until he came back to play for the Youth Service. And to see him take yet another step forward to lead worship once again... Its something that's very encouraging.

We met at Zhang Mu Shi's place again yesterday, and we watched this video called "The Cross-Jesus in Asia". And I guess after being pretty jaded as a Christian in Singapore, its amazing to see how God is really doing things in China. How their lives are being changed all over again. How they have a "reality" to their hope, that goes beyond mere rhetoric and ideals. The testimonies of how a broken marriage can be restored by the new found faith of just the wife, and how drug addicts find the ability to quit their addiction... And Zhang Mu Shi raised the question later of what is it that these pple have, that our church doesn't? What did these pple do that enabled them to really change their lives in accordance with what the bible says? So that when the Bible exhorts us to clap our hands and sing to the Lord, they can genuinely do so. While back in my own church I feel no such inclination at all? I guess even the word "jaded' doesn't really come close to describing the overall cynicism and lethargy that I feel in church now on most days. And when I feel such an impulse to praise, it almost automatically gets suppressed back as emotionalism and I choose to restrain myself.

So Zhang Mu Shi was talking also abt how he feels the core of it lies in how they love. And I guess 1 Cor 13 has been something that's been ringing in my ears for pretty much the whole year so far already. I've lost count of the number of times it has come up in my mind on occasions, in conversations, and even in sermons. It almost seems that God's absolutely hollering away at me with that passage. Anyway, Zhang Mu Shi went on to talk abt how God is the source of love, and how ultimately it is love and love alone that provides a way out from mere justice, and that can also bring about a life transformation. And right there and then, it all made sense to me. That how jaded I am is a reflection of how far I've strayed away from God, that I've even become cynical abt His love for me. I mean, I still have a great love for the fact that God died for me, but it somehow no longer motivates me to have a gratitude that will react to it beyond mere apathy.

He went on to talk abt how he was reading a book on God being outside in the wilderness already. Kindda like what Chris Chia just shared on Saturday when I went for service. How we've all become leaders who serve the church rather than God, who worship in church rather than worship God. How we've gradually let so many of our experiences in church and in life supercede the reality of God in our life, that gradually God just becomes more and more abstract, more and more distant. Until He get reduced into a doctrine, and becomes deified in our lives.

It's food for thought.

Speaking of food, his wife is really really such an excellent cook man. I always overeat at his house. Afterwards we had a really good time, where Zhang Mu Shi, Bernice and I stayed back to discuss the outlook of our church and particularly the Youth Ministry for the next few years. We were talking abt the merger between the youth fellowship and the Sunday school. I told him I think the current plan is absolutely untenable, and he felt the same. So we put our heads together, and came up with a really cool proposal. Now I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that the idea gets its airtime. Then we went on to talk abt the direction of the Youth Ministry, and how we can do something abt the current lethargy that's so evident in it. We talked abt a lot of the problems that the leaders currently faced, we talked abt LiJuan, and how Bernice and I feel she's' done such an excellent job but are worried that if she's given the portfolio of the Sunday sch as well it'll crush her.

And finally, we also talked abt Andrew. Zhang Mu Shi asked my opinion. Hehz... Man, I always thought I was not very disciplined... But boy, did I show restraint man. Grins. But I guess I always knew that Andrew was one big issue in my personal life that I need to address. I've always found it easy to forgive someone. Yet Andrew is the first person whom until this day if anyone mentions his name, I still feel a keen sense of resentment in me. Resentment at what he did to me and Grace (Yes, Paul's gonna mention how her name inevitably crops up, bloody idiot.), resentment at what he's done to the Youth Ministry, and an overall desire to see something done to him to address the wrong that he's done so many.

I guess that's why God's been trying so hard to drill into me the message of love.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

And so were ended up thinking what could have gone wrong in the life of a man who showed so much promise in church. He was supposed to be the next big thing. He had just abt everything. Passion, commitment, a love for God's Word, talent, capability, leadership, charisma... You name it, he's got it. And I got a personal lesson in how pride can be the worst of all sins. His ministries all showed so much promise, yet inevitably collapsed on itself. And when it does, he blames everyone in the whole church except himself. That's how he drove Henry and Patrick from his side. That's how he lost the regard of the whole church leadership. And that's why he's left with nothing except a fellowship that isn't doing too well at the moment also.

I remember Simon telling me to learn to pray for him. And its been just abt the hardest thing I've ever done. Which is something I still can't figure out. Its even easier to pray for Grace (Yes, there's the name again), and she's the one who hurt me the most. What is it abt Andrew that I find so hard to swallow?

I think that's something for me to think and pray abt for the week...