I've been the king, I've been the clown. Now broken wings can't hold me down. I'm free again. The jester with the broken crown, it won't be me this time around to love in vain.
Monday, February 28, 2005
Sabbath Sunday
Had a really really good day today, albeit really tiring. Today Berno was leading worship, and I was half doing back-up with Serene, and half teaching YingYing how to do the powerpoint for the whole worship. After that had lunch with the cell at this non-aircon place (SUPER HOT!!!!!), where the food actually turned out to be not bad. Then I received word that Ruth waited all morning for her turn in the judo competition, only to face the previous gold-medalist and thus straight away get knocked out. Hehz... poor Ruthie.
After that I had vocal training, then went down to Zhang Mu Shi's place for BS. We talked a lot about the difference between perosnal worship and corporate worship, and we were using the passage abt the Samaritan woman drawing water from the well. It was actually really really cool.
The typical assumption has always been that the woman posed the question of where is the proper place to worship as a distraction from Jesus' declaration that she has had 5 husbands, and she's now still living in sin with a man who isn't her husband. But Henry quoted Vaughan Roberts (I'm starting to like him more and more man...) that perhaps its time to give the woman more credit. Because if we don't take up that assumption, then the woman's question is a very genuine one, where she's actually asking Jesus what is the real way of worshipping God, so that she can finally repent of her sins and get right with God. The implications of how we read the verses after that are actually really quite different therefore. No longer does Jesus' reply become a rebuke of the Samaritans' worship being an ignorant one. Instead, He seems more to be drawing to the conclusion that whether the Samaritans don't know the God they serve, or whether the Jews actually know Yahweh, the question isn't about whether they should worship on a mountain or in Jerusalem. He again circles back to His first declaration that He is the source of living water. He tells the Samaritan woman that it isn't about worshipping in Jerusalem or on the mountains, but its about worshipping Jesus. Its about her spirit of repentance, not about the form and substance of her 'acts' of worship.
Never did think the passage could have so much to discuss about, but we really did have a lot to talk about, and could easily have carried on for hours more. And I'm not talking splitting hairs, although at times we almost ventured there. But on the whole we actually had a really meaningful and engaged conversation.
After that Henry, Bernice and I stayed back to discuss the Mission Statement of the Levite Ministry. And since we were meeting opposite her house, Serene later joined us. We had a lot of fun coming up with the statement, as well as finalising the whole plan to present this coming saturday at the core grp meeting. After that I took a walk around her neighbourhood with Serene, talking about He Ping Tuanqi, about her cell and my cell, and how its sometimes so hard to move on, out of a sense of obligation to friends, to past memories of the cell, and just basically the inevitable feeling that it feels like ditching something when the going gets tough, no matter whatever the intentions mght have otherwise been. but I think on the whole I'm really very proud of He Ping Tuanqi.
After having weathered so much "wind wind rain rain", we've still managed to remain a community that bothers to keep in touch. Somehow growing up has meant that all of us begin moving into different directions, whether it be just different careers, different ministries, different churches or even different countries. Yet we somehow have still bothered to keep each other in the loop about our lives, and made the effort to meet up whenever we can. Weiqi as the cell leader represents something of the third or fourth generation of leaders we've managed to produce, and Jingliang looks to be the fifth generation, although that's a little 'play cheat' since we never did really nurture him. Instead, he kindda literally fell into our laps. But I guess sometimes in ministries, when we get ourselves a lucky break, we just take what we can get and thank God for it. Grins.
Called Weimin after that. Dunno what made me do it, since I usually just sms. But I'm glad I did. She was all upset over Ham again. Sigh. And this time it seems he was actually taking issues with her over me. Sigh. Sometimes I wonder if its really just that I need to be more sensitive, and that its really my fault for not having kept my distance. Or if actually it was really just an unfortunate confluence of events. Sigh. Mebbe if I just really became like my sister... staying clear of everyone's affairs and only minding her own business... mebbe she was right in doing that. After all, I only seem to make things worse by trying.
But it really sucks that the two of them shd be in such a state. I could totally empathize with them BOTH. I mean, on hindsight, its not difficult to see how I wasn't able to be the kind of person that Grace wanted me to be, and how much that hurt her. Yet having been in the same position as Ham before, I also could empathize very well with the sort of frustrations he had. I guess it just sucks seeing people you really care about being in such pain. Guess I can only pray for them both now.
And speaking of Grace, I've REALLY had it with that woman. All I did was message her to call me back, since I wanted to just double confirm if she had indeed returned M-A some dresses she borrowed for her prom some years back. A simple request. She actually (I found this out later) asked Syl and Weimin if they knew what it was about, and since no one knew, she didn't bother to even return the call. BLOODY HELL. To think even my neighbour extends a greater courtesy to me. He would call if I left him a note to call me.
So that's that with the woman. I'm (finally, and about time too) deleting her number off my handphone, and I'm done with her already. For her own sake I honestly pray she still has friends when she hits 30.
Well, to end off the blog on an even suckier note, Chelsea came back from 1-0 down to win the League Cup 3-2 in extra-time over Liverpool.
S-H-I-T.
After that I had vocal training, then went down to Zhang Mu Shi's place for BS. We talked a lot about the difference between perosnal worship and corporate worship, and we were using the passage abt the Samaritan woman drawing water from the well. It was actually really really cool.
The typical assumption has always been that the woman posed the question of where is the proper place to worship as a distraction from Jesus' declaration that she has had 5 husbands, and she's now still living in sin with a man who isn't her husband. But Henry quoted Vaughan Roberts (I'm starting to like him more and more man...) that perhaps its time to give the woman more credit. Because if we don't take up that assumption, then the woman's question is a very genuine one, where she's actually asking Jesus what is the real way of worshipping God, so that she can finally repent of her sins and get right with God. The implications of how we read the verses after that are actually really quite different therefore. No longer does Jesus' reply become a rebuke of the Samaritans' worship being an ignorant one. Instead, He seems more to be drawing to the conclusion that whether the Samaritans don't know the God they serve, or whether the Jews actually know Yahweh, the question isn't about whether they should worship on a mountain or in Jerusalem. He again circles back to His first declaration that He is the source of living water. He tells the Samaritan woman that it isn't about worshipping in Jerusalem or on the mountains, but its about worshipping Jesus. Its about her spirit of repentance, not about the form and substance of her 'acts' of worship.
Never did think the passage could have so much to discuss about, but we really did have a lot to talk about, and could easily have carried on for hours more. And I'm not talking splitting hairs, although at times we almost ventured there. But on the whole we actually had a really meaningful and engaged conversation.
After that Henry, Bernice and I stayed back to discuss the Mission Statement of the Levite Ministry. And since we were meeting opposite her house, Serene later joined us. We had a lot of fun coming up with the statement, as well as finalising the whole plan to present this coming saturday at the core grp meeting. After that I took a walk around her neighbourhood with Serene, talking about He Ping Tuanqi, about her cell and my cell, and how its sometimes so hard to move on, out of a sense of obligation to friends, to past memories of the cell, and just basically the inevitable feeling that it feels like ditching something when the going gets tough, no matter whatever the intentions mght have otherwise been. but I think on the whole I'm really very proud of He Ping Tuanqi.
After having weathered so much "wind wind rain rain", we've still managed to remain a community that bothers to keep in touch. Somehow growing up has meant that all of us begin moving into different directions, whether it be just different careers, different ministries, different churches or even different countries. Yet we somehow have still bothered to keep each other in the loop about our lives, and made the effort to meet up whenever we can. Weiqi as the cell leader represents something of the third or fourth generation of leaders we've managed to produce, and Jingliang looks to be the fifth generation, although that's a little 'play cheat' since we never did really nurture him. Instead, he kindda literally fell into our laps. But I guess sometimes in ministries, when we get ourselves a lucky break, we just take what we can get and thank God for it. Grins.
Called Weimin after that. Dunno what made me do it, since I usually just sms. But I'm glad I did. She was all upset over Ham again. Sigh. And this time it seems he was actually taking issues with her over me. Sigh. Sometimes I wonder if its really just that I need to be more sensitive, and that its really my fault for not having kept my distance. Or if actually it was really just an unfortunate confluence of events. Sigh. Mebbe if I just really became like my sister... staying clear of everyone's affairs and only minding her own business... mebbe she was right in doing that. After all, I only seem to make things worse by trying.
But it really sucks that the two of them shd be in such a state. I could totally empathize with them BOTH. I mean, on hindsight, its not difficult to see how I wasn't able to be the kind of person that Grace wanted me to be, and how much that hurt her. Yet having been in the same position as Ham before, I also could empathize very well with the sort of frustrations he had. I guess it just sucks seeing people you really care about being in such pain. Guess I can only pray for them both now.
And speaking of Grace, I've REALLY had it with that woman. All I did was message her to call me back, since I wanted to just double confirm if she had indeed returned M-A some dresses she borrowed for her prom some years back. A simple request. She actually (I found this out later) asked Syl and Weimin if they knew what it was about, and since no one knew, she didn't bother to even return the call. BLOODY HELL. To think even my neighbour extends a greater courtesy to me. He would call if I left him a note to call me.
So that's that with the woman. I'm (finally, and about time too) deleting her number off my handphone, and I'm done with her already. For her own sake I honestly pray she still has friends when she hits 30.
Well, to end off the blog on an even suckier note, Chelsea came back from 1-0 down to win the League Cup 3-2 in extra-time over Liverpool.
S-H-I-T.
Sunday, February 27, 2005
Early Morning Muse
Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
Arsenal just drew with lowly Southampton while Man Utd beat Portsmouth 2-1. Grins. Hehz... its a good weekend.
Its 3 in the morning and I can't get to sleep. I honestly don't know what's the matter with me. But its been an incredibly warm day. I think I'm feeling unsettled all over again, being in that peculiar state of transition yet again. Working... studying... looking for a job... that sorta thing.
Been having my wierd dreams again. Last night was another classic bizzare dream where I wanted to go bathe, and yet every piece of clothing I removed only revealed one more that I hadn't taken off. So there was this really comical and yet surely frustrating episode of me in my dreams just perpetually removing my clothes, and never being able to take them all off. Vaguely remember something also about how I was either at some retreat or camp. Cos I remember lazing around in the 'room' before that.
I won't be able to go for the church camp in June because it falls on exactly the same dates as my family holiday. Aaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!! Dammit. And I was looking forward to the camp so much.
*Sigh*
Friday night at ARPC, one of the passages being covered was that of the woman who had been bleeding for 40 years. And when Jesus asked "Who touched me?", it was suddenly reminiscient of God asking Adam and Eve where they were. I mean, surely God would know where exactly the woman was, and who it was that touched Him. So why the question? I suspect that just as He wanted Adam and Eve to own up to their wrong, He wanted the woman to own up to her faith. So I suspect that when He commended her for her faith, He was not only referring to how she reached out to touch Him in hope of being healed, but also how she dared to publicly acknowledge what she had done, acknowledging her faith in Him and what He could do. After all, in light of the context, it only served to highlight His authority over sickness and death as he proceeded to make His way to Jairus' house to save his daughter.
Of course, that had nothing at all to do with what Chris was talking about. But since he sorta bowled me over like a bullet train, I ended up just musing to myself and this thought kindda stuck with me.
Paul's gone to Bangkok with Joz over the weekend. Ruth tells me that Nut's depressed again. Grins. You ain't alone, kiddo. You ain't alone. Was just in Serene's car tonight, and we were talking about how we're both past the age now where we can hope to get attached simply for the purpose of having companionship. Right now the stakes we're playing for is marriage and a life partner.
Dammit.
And I was hoping I could still have a little more fun.
This whole grown up business is really such a chore.
Bleah.
Arsenal just drew with lowly Southampton while Man Utd beat Portsmouth 2-1. Grins. Hehz... its a good weekend.
Its 3 in the morning and I can't get to sleep. I honestly don't know what's the matter with me. But its been an incredibly warm day. I think I'm feeling unsettled all over again, being in that peculiar state of transition yet again. Working... studying... looking for a job... that sorta thing.
Been having my wierd dreams again. Last night was another classic bizzare dream where I wanted to go bathe, and yet every piece of clothing I removed only revealed one more that I hadn't taken off. So there was this really comical and yet surely frustrating episode of me in my dreams just perpetually removing my clothes, and never being able to take them all off. Vaguely remember something also about how I was either at some retreat or camp. Cos I remember lazing around in the 'room' before that.
I won't be able to go for the church camp in June because it falls on exactly the same dates as my family holiday. Aaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!! Dammit. And I was looking forward to the camp so much.
*Sigh*
Friday night at ARPC, one of the passages being covered was that of the woman who had been bleeding for 40 years. And when Jesus asked "Who touched me?", it was suddenly reminiscient of God asking Adam and Eve where they were. I mean, surely God would know where exactly the woman was, and who it was that touched Him. So why the question? I suspect that just as He wanted Adam and Eve to own up to their wrong, He wanted the woman to own up to her faith. So I suspect that when He commended her for her faith, He was not only referring to how she reached out to touch Him in hope of being healed, but also how she dared to publicly acknowledge what she had done, acknowledging her faith in Him and what He could do. After all, in light of the context, it only served to highlight His authority over sickness and death as he proceeded to make His way to Jairus' house to save his daughter.
Of course, that had nothing at all to do with what Chris was talking about. But since he sorta bowled me over like a bullet train, I ended up just musing to myself and this thought kindda stuck with me.
Paul's gone to Bangkok with Joz over the weekend. Ruth tells me that Nut's depressed again. Grins. You ain't alone, kiddo. You ain't alone. Was just in Serene's car tonight, and we were talking about how we're both past the age now where we can hope to get attached simply for the purpose of having companionship. Right now the stakes we're playing for is marriage and a life partner.
Dammit.
And I was hoping I could still have a little more fun.
This whole grown up business is really such a chore.
Bleah.
Saturday, February 26, 2005
Much Ado About Nothing
Today was the epitomy of my inconsequential life, as I woke up to go play LAN games with paul and Daniel, went for ARPC (my one saving grace), and then (horror of horors) ended up at Der Biao's place with Weixiu, Weimin and Serene to watch Huan Zhu Ge Ge.
Muahahahahaha...
Starting with the LAN session... we tried 3 LAN shops in the vicinity before we settled on a really crappy one inside Thomson Plaza. But in the end, it turned out to be pretty fine after all, since we ended up playing 4 on 4 with some sec school kids. Me, Paul and Daniel plus one of the kids beat the sh*t out of the other team twice in a row. Grins. I guess for a person who really isn't getting too much out of life, this qualifies as a highlight.
Actually, I started the day accompanying my dad all over the various places he was yesterday, as he sought to try to retrive the handphone he had lost. Ha ha ha...
Then I bought dinner, picked Weimin up from her sch cos she was sick, then we ended up at ARPC for dinner with Weixiu and Syl. Tonight's service was really pretty messy. The song leader KaiFeng was doing all sorts of strange rowdy songs mixed with the traditonally more solemn songs. There was a baptism, and since Wee Seng was giving the announcements, it was already 9 when Chris finally went up to the pulpit. And mebbe it was just me, but I felt he tried to squeeze too much into the sermon, so it really felt like a bullet train had just run me over.
Then came the highlight of the evening. The highlight actually serving to highlight thye new low I've reached in my life, when I ended up watching the last 2 episodes of Huan Zhu Ge Ge. I took Weixiu's car back from ARPC, and they asked if I wanted to join them at Der Biao's place for supper and catch the show. For want of something better to do if I went home (read: I might end up playing RTK2, watch the previous episodes of the West Wing for the 362nd time...), I decided to tag along. Well, the whole evening turned out to be pretty fun.
Scary.
If THAT could be fun, then I really dunno what new low I could sink to. I seem to be craping the barrel as it is right now. Hahaha...
Tmr I'll finally (hopefully) be meeting up with Enhan. Sigh. Dunno what to say to him man. Dun really want to talk to him abt him and Weimin, since he this is something he needs to figure out for himself, and they need to figure out for themselves. Probably plan to just try to catch up on anything else in his life, otherwise just to catch up since I last saw him almost a month ago.
Its 2 now, I prob better go get some sleep.
Muahahahahaha...
Starting with the LAN session... we tried 3 LAN shops in the vicinity before we settled on a really crappy one inside Thomson Plaza. But in the end, it turned out to be pretty fine after all, since we ended up playing 4 on 4 with some sec school kids. Me, Paul and Daniel plus one of the kids beat the sh*t out of the other team twice in a row. Grins. I guess for a person who really isn't getting too much out of life, this qualifies as a highlight.
Actually, I started the day accompanying my dad all over the various places he was yesterday, as he sought to try to retrive the handphone he had lost. Ha ha ha...
Then I bought dinner, picked Weimin up from her sch cos she was sick, then we ended up at ARPC for dinner with Weixiu and Syl. Tonight's service was really pretty messy. The song leader KaiFeng was doing all sorts of strange rowdy songs mixed with the traditonally more solemn songs. There was a baptism, and since Wee Seng was giving the announcements, it was already 9 when Chris finally went up to the pulpit. And mebbe it was just me, but I felt he tried to squeeze too much into the sermon, so it really felt like a bullet train had just run me over.
Then came the highlight of the evening. The highlight actually serving to highlight thye new low I've reached in my life, when I ended up watching the last 2 episodes of Huan Zhu Ge Ge. I took Weixiu's car back from ARPC, and they asked if I wanted to join them at Der Biao's place for supper and catch the show. For want of something better to do if I went home (read: I might end up playing RTK2, watch the previous episodes of the West Wing for the 362nd time...), I decided to tag along. Well, the whole evening turned out to be pretty fun.
Scary.
If THAT could be fun, then I really dunno what new low I could sink to. I seem to be craping the barrel as it is right now. Hahaha...
Tmr I'll finally (hopefully) be meeting up with Enhan. Sigh. Dunno what to say to him man. Dun really want to talk to him abt him and Weimin, since he this is something he needs to figure out for himself, and they need to figure out for themselves. Probably plan to just try to catch up on anything else in his life, otherwise just to catch up since I last saw him almost a month ago.
Its 2 now, I prob better go get some sleep.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Driving Myself... Nuts.
Have you ever wanted something so badly, but its just out of reach? So near and yet so far? Something you always knew was meant to be yours, but by that odd quirk of fate remains so desperately close but unavailable?
Sigh. Amongst other things i could think of, including my one special girl, is the fact that I'M STILL NOT ALLOWED TO DRIVE ALONE!!!!!!! Pppffftt!!!
Parents still only let me drive under supervision. Sigh. How am I ever gonna pick up hot chicks if I keep taking TIBS buses? Or rather, they're now called SMRT buses. Alright, so a Toyota isn't exactly what pple use to pick up hot chicks, but they sure beat 167s.
Sigh.
Been feeling really blue. Not even sure if its work. Its actually a pretty cheery place. My two working partners are Malays. Mebbe not the brightest pple around, but they're good honest workers who gets the job done. And I'm actually having quite a lotta fun at the job every now and then.
So I dunno what's gotten me so down. Just a sense of longing, although I really dunno for what. I also feel I've turned a corner, but dunno for what. Its days like this that I feel like I'm a split persona, a man trying to understand a woman, even as I'm playing both parts.
Grins.
If I carry on writing more trash like these, mebbe those pple whom I dun recognize or know will stop reading my blog. Or they'll finally not be able to take it anymore, and come right out to scold me, thus exposing their identities. Muahahahahaha...
Shit. I'm damn lame. But I really meant what I said about feeling blue, and having that sense of longing again.
If only my parents would let me drive, dammit.
On a more serious note then, this job ends in a couple of days' time. Need to start looking for another of these, while at the same time trying to secure a more permanent job. Now's when I start learning to budget my money to not overspend. high time I start going to my parents everytime I fail to planproperly and overspend.
Weimin and Enhan are doing really really badly right now. Sigh. On the one hand I'm a lot closer to her, and if I didn't know Ham I'd tell her my own opinion is that they shd all it off. But cos of who I am in both their lives, I have to really try damned hard to keep neutral. Dammit. And Enhan is doing the typical guy thing of shutting everyone off, including me... so much for being there for him too. Sigh.
On the positive side, I just finished reading this book by Walter Trobisch called "I Married You". Turned out to be a really sweet book with a few pretty good points to chew on. Its all about true events he encountered on a trip to Africa to preach about marriage, family and sex. I guess having read so much about the rhetorics of a relationship, and so much that seems like pure academia, to read of these principals in a narrative or a novel, of how he actually had to put them across as he applied the priciples in the individual circumstances that came his way, was a pretty nice angle to read it from.
Its 1 in the morning. Back to work later.
Sigh.
Sigh. Amongst other things i could think of, including my one special girl, is the fact that I'M STILL NOT ALLOWED TO DRIVE ALONE!!!!!!! Pppffftt!!!
Parents still only let me drive under supervision. Sigh. How am I ever gonna pick up hot chicks if I keep taking TIBS buses? Or rather, they're now called SMRT buses. Alright, so a Toyota isn't exactly what pple use to pick up hot chicks, but they sure beat 167s.
Sigh.
Been feeling really blue. Not even sure if its work. Its actually a pretty cheery place. My two working partners are Malays. Mebbe not the brightest pple around, but they're good honest workers who gets the job done. And I'm actually having quite a lotta fun at the job every now and then.
So I dunno what's gotten me so down. Just a sense of longing, although I really dunno for what. I also feel I've turned a corner, but dunno for what. Its days like this that I feel like I'm a split persona, a man trying to understand a woman, even as I'm playing both parts.
Grins.
If I carry on writing more trash like these, mebbe those pple whom I dun recognize or know will stop reading my blog. Or they'll finally not be able to take it anymore, and come right out to scold me, thus exposing their identities. Muahahahahaha...
Shit. I'm damn lame. But I really meant what I said about feeling blue, and having that sense of longing again.
If only my parents would let me drive, dammit.
On a more serious note then, this job ends in a couple of days' time. Need to start looking for another of these, while at the same time trying to secure a more permanent job. Now's when I start learning to budget my money to not overspend. high time I start going to my parents everytime I fail to planproperly and overspend.
Weimin and Enhan are doing really really badly right now. Sigh. On the one hand I'm a lot closer to her, and if I didn't know Ham I'd tell her my own opinion is that they shd all it off. But cos of who I am in both their lives, I have to really try damned hard to keep neutral. Dammit. And Enhan is doing the typical guy thing of shutting everyone off, including me... so much for being there for him too. Sigh.
On the positive side, I just finished reading this book by Walter Trobisch called "I Married You". Turned out to be a really sweet book with a few pretty good points to chew on. Its all about true events he encountered on a trip to Africa to preach about marriage, family and sex. I guess having read so much about the rhetorics of a relationship, and so much that seems like pure academia, to read of these principals in a narrative or a novel, of how he actually had to put them across as he applied the priciples in the individual circumstances that came his way, was a pretty nice angle to read it from.
Its 1 in the morning. Back to work later.
Sigh.
Friday, February 18, 2005
3M
If you ever asked me to name three most powerful things on this earth that starts with the letter 'M', I would tell you Music, Memories and McDonald's. Yes, this unholy trinity that has the power to wield immense influence over everyone. Who has not felt the sway of emotions that music brings about, the tinge of sadness and regret over a slow ballad, or the energy that gradually builds in you to the rhythm of the drums? Who has not been influenced by memories of past experiences, fearing to tread a path that has brough much pain and longing to once again rediscover the road where one used to be happy? And yes, everywhere we go, we see obese people like yours truly, the products of a generation that grew up on fries and 50 cents upsizes.
Having spent the whole week with my sleep plagued by dreams of utterly ridiculous content, I sit here right now trying to gather my thoughts and my musings, and I guess I think I'm really a person who's very much influenced by my memories. My dreams have been plagued by characters from as far back as my primary school, where I even remember all of a sudden, just about everyone in my class. I dream that I'm catching up with them about the lost years, and the whole mood smacks of meeting up with old friends who have always been around.
There was another time when I dreamt of where I used to stay with my maternal grandma in Toa Payoh. Haven't been in that flat since I was primary six, yet suddenly I could remember every single room and the contents, down to the furniture et al. Some more recent memories that have made it into my Hall of Dreams include past games of DOTA with Paul (Grins.), the church basement that by now has been demolished, tuanqi days, and even one, shopping in Metro beside church, which has already become Park Mall for at least 10 years already.
I would wake up every morning utterly bewildered at the content of my dreams. Would love to seehow anyone attempts to psychoanalyze them, cos if anyone ever claims to have figured it out, then he's just too stupid to actually think they can be analyzed, or think we're too stupid to see that. Hehz...
But I guess as I was thinking about all this, I realise that I'm a guy who always looks back. Mebbe that's my biggest fault. I mean, looking back to a certain extent is good. Its keeps my current life in perspective, as I trace the path that I have been taking, and just what about me essentially has changed. But sometimes instead of looking back, I remain in the past. Doesn't take a genius to realise that was what I had been doing till recently, trapped in a past relationship that went sour, unable to move on.
And I guess with looking back comes a period of reflection, and hopefully a period of looking forward, beyond the present life that I'm living. Otherwise I'll be like what the Bible says of the man who looks in the mirror, then turns around and forgets what he looks like. So as I told Weimin just now, even as I seem to really be emerging from the shadows of the past 5 years, esp when I finally quit NUS, I really need to learn to look ahead, and look back less. Been doing enough of that already.
Working the past week has actually been my first experience at earning my own keep, believe it or not. I mean, other than tuition. So mebbe this is more like a rite of passage for me, where I now learn to finally live up to my own expectation of myself, and stop living for everyone around me.
Mebbe those dreams are kindda like what they did in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, where hopefully they'll soon be erased from my memories, and I'll be able to look ahead. God knows I'm tired of living in the past. I mean, the feeling of nostalgia is always nice. I can never understand those who always just have the energy to look forward to a brand new day a brand new adventure. I mean, its so tiring. There's something so soothing about reminiscing to oneself the things of the past, something almost magical about what "I once was".
Ah well. I'm probably just being silly. I had some pretty cogent thoughts when I started, but its just getting muddier and muddier with every line. I'm actually really tired, so I'm goona just go now.
Having spent the whole week with my sleep plagued by dreams of utterly ridiculous content, I sit here right now trying to gather my thoughts and my musings, and I guess I think I'm really a person who's very much influenced by my memories. My dreams have been plagued by characters from as far back as my primary school, where I even remember all of a sudden, just about everyone in my class. I dream that I'm catching up with them about the lost years, and the whole mood smacks of meeting up with old friends who have always been around.
There was another time when I dreamt of where I used to stay with my maternal grandma in Toa Payoh. Haven't been in that flat since I was primary six, yet suddenly I could remember every single room and the contents, down to the furniture et al. Some more recent memories that have made it into my Hall of Dreams include past games of DOTA with Paul (Grins.), the church basement that by now has been demolished, tuanqi days, and even one, shopping in Metro beside church, which has already become Park Mall for at least 10 years already.
I would wake up every morning utterly bewildered at the content of my dreams. Would love to seehow anyone attempts to psychoanalyze them, cos if anyone ever claims to have figured it out, then he's just too stupid to actually think they can be analyzed, or think we're too stupid to see that. Hehz...
But I guess as I was thinking about all this, I realise that I'm a guy who always looks back. Mebbe that's my biggest fault. I mean, looking back to a certain extent is good. Its keeps my current life in perspective, as I trace the path that I have been taking, and just what about me essentially has changed. But sometimes instead of looking back, I remain in the past. Doesn't take a genius to realise that was what I had been doing till recently, trapped in a past relationship that went sour, unable to move on.
And I guess with looking back comes a period of reflection, and hopefully a period of looking forward, beyond the present life that I'm living. Otherwise I'll be like what the Bible says of the man who looks in the mirror, then turns around and forgets what he looks like. So as I told Weimin just now, even as I seem to really be emerging from the shadows of the past 5 years, esp when I finally quit NUS, I really need to learn to look ahead, and look back less. Been doing enough of that already.
Working the past week has actually been my first experience at earning my own keep, believe it or not. I mean, other than tuition. So mebbe this is more like a rite of passage for me, where I now learn to finally live up to my own expectation of myself, and stop living for everyone around me.
Mebbe those dreams are kindda like what they did in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, where hopefully they'll soon be erased from my memories, and I'll be able to look ahead. God knows I'm tired of living in the past. I mean, the feeling of nostalgia is always nice. I can never understand those who always just have the energy to look forward to a brand new day a brand new adventure. I mean, its so tiring. There's something so soothing about reminiscing to oneself the things of the past, something almost magical about what "I once was".
Ah well. I'm probably just being silly. I had some pretty cogent thoughts when I started, but its just getting muddier and muddier with every line. I'm actually really tired, so I'm goona just go now.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Life So Far...
Its been a while since I last wrote anything. Just been too busy. Believe it or not, I've started work. Yes. Work. Me. On top of everything that has gone wrong in my life, I have now started to live a life that is totally the antithetical to who I am. No wonder people say you have to sink to lowest point in your life before you can rebound back.
Grins.
But yes, I HAVE actually started work. In a warehouse, doing software updates on some hardware. Hard manual labour actually. But I guess in the absence of anything more enticing that's on the table, I have to at least take what i can get to earn my own keep.
Leading worship this sunday, and BS tmr at cell. Man, its really really hectic. Two days ago my sis very very casually asked me over dinner at home if I'm gonna be free somewhere in oct. Wondering what other favours she's gonna demand of me in exchange for her paying for my school fees, I asked her what she wants. Then she very very VERY nonchalantly told me that she's probably gonna get married then.
*jaw drops*
*brain freezes*
*brain still freezes*
*brain not responding anymore*
*picks up jaw off the floor*
Erm... yeah.
Amazing stuff, I tell you. What makes it even more disturbing is that Joseph hasn't even proposed. Either she's a bona fide psychic, or else they don't have the sort of normal relationship that everyone else has, where you announce the marriage only AFTER he has popped the question.
Well, that was Valentines' Day, if you did your maths. And if you were even sharper, you'll pick up that she was having dinner at home. And to answer your question, Joseph WAS in Singapore. So I can't help but conclude that she indeed has a truly extraordinary relationship. Talk about pragmatism done to an extreme. Hehz... Mebbe I shd find myself a girl like that also. Straight up. Spare me the need to endlessly think of new ways to romance and enchant her. Just tell her to take dinner at home on V-day!!!!
Grins.
But on another note, V-day this year didn't turn out too bad after all. I had a total of three dinner offers, albeit all from guys. Grins. Hehz... ah well. Now that I actually have dates,l i just need to work on getting the right gender to ask me out. If I do this carefully, I might actually secure a date by the time I turn 40.
Oh, and I sent Simon an email a few days back, wishing him a happy New Year, updating him on things back in S'pore, and asking how he's doing. And just for the fun of it, I casually 'mentioned' to him somewhere in the middle that I've started to date Weixiu, and that we'll be spending our first Valentines' together. Of course I scolded him in the next paragraph for believing that. But man, I sure wish I could have seen his face when he read that line. When he replied to my email, his first line read "I fell off the chair".
Grins.
Everyone seems pretty stressed lately over school. Weimin, Sylvia, and even M-A. I hope this isn't another one of those signs that every now and then God sends. Cos if it is, I swear I shd just start searching for an easier way to die. Cos even after work every day right now, I'm already pretty zonked out. Can't imagine myself trying to go for lectures after that.
Ouch.
Suddenly things don't look too good for me anymore. Them rose-tinted glasses have sure come off now.
Been having Yu-Sheng almost everyday lately. Hehz... I LOVE Yu-Sheng. Could just eat that and nothing else everyday. Hehz... One of main reasons why I look forward to CNY every year.
Hehz...
Alright. I actually typed this during my lunch break at work, for want of something better to do. Break's over, gotta run.
Grins.
But yes, I HAVE actually started work. In a warehouse, doing software updates on some hardware. Hard manual labour actually. But I guess in the absence of anything more enticing that's on the table, I have to at least take what i can get to earn my own keep.
Leading worship this sunday, and BS tmr at cell. Man, its really really hectic. Two days ago my sis very very casually asked me over dinner at home if I'm gonna be free somewhere in oct. Wondering what other favours she's gonna demand of me in exchange for her paying for my school fees, I asked her what she wants. Then she very very VERY nonchalantly told me that she's probably gonna get married then.
*jaw drops*
*brain freezes*
*brain still freezes*
*brain not responding anymore*
*picks up jaw off the floor*
Erm... yeah.
Amazing stuff, I tell you. What makes it even more disturbing is that Joseph hasn't even proposed. Either she's a bona fide psychic, or else they don't have the sort of normal relationship that everyone else has, where you announce the marriage only AFTER he has popped the question.
Well, that was Valentines' Day, if you did your maths. And if you were even sharper, you'll pick up that she was having dinner at home. And to answer your question, Joseph WAS in Singapore. So I can't help but conclude that she indeed has a truly extraordinary relationship. Talk about pragmatism done to an extreme. Hehz... Mebbe I shd find myself a girl like that also. Straight up. Spare me the need to endlessly think of new ways to romance and enchant her. Just tell her to take dinner at home on V-day!!!!
Grins.
But on another note, V-day this year didn't turn out too bad after all. I had a total of three dinner offers, albeit all from guys. Grins. Hehz... ah well. Now that I actually have dates,l i just need to work on getting the right gender to ask me out. If I do this carefully, I might actually secure a date by the time I turn 40.
Oh, and I sent Simon an email a few days back, wishing him a happy New Year, updating him on things back in S'pore, and asking how he's doing. And just for the fun of it, I casually 'mentioned' to him somewhere in the middle that I've started to date Weixiu, and that we'll be spending our first Valentines' together. Of course I scolded him in the next paragraph for believing that. But man, I sure wish I could have seen his face when he read that line. When he replied to my email, his first line read "I fell off the chair".
Grins.
Everyone seems pretty stressed lately over school. Weimin, Sylvia, and even M-A. I hope this isn't another one of those signs that every now and then God sends. Cos if it is, I swear I shd just start searching for an easier way to die. Cos even after work every day right now, I'm already pretty zonked out. Can't imagine myself trying to go for lectures after that.
Ouch.
Suddenly things don't look too good for me anymore. Them rose-tinted glasses have sure come off now.
Been having Yu-Sheng almost everyday lately. Hehz... I LOVE Yu-Sheng. Could just eat that and nothing else everyday. Hehz... One of main reasons why I look forward to CNY every year.
Hehz...
Alright. I actually typed this during my lunch break at work, for want of something better to do. Break's over, gotta run.
Sunday, February 13, 2005
New Year Thoughts
Colors Of The Wind
You think you own whatever land you land on
The earth is just a dead thing you can claim
But I know every rock and tree and creature
Has a life, has a spirit, has a name
You think the only people who are people
Are the people who look and think like you
But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger
You’ll learn things you never knew you never knew
Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
Or asked the grinning bobcat why he grins
Can you sing with all the voices of the mountain
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind
Come run the hidden pine trails of the forest
Come taste the sun sweet berries of the earth
Come roll in all the riches all around you
And for once never wonder what they’re worth
The rainstorm and the river are my brothers
The heron and the otter are my friends
And we are all connected to each other
In a circle, in a hoop that never ends
Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
Or let the eagle tell you where he’s been
Can you sing with all the voices of the mountain
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind
How high does the sycamore grow
If you cut it down then you’ll never know
And you’ll never heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
Or whether we are white or copper skinned
You need to sing with all the voices of the mountain
You need to paint with all the colors of the wind
You can own the earth but still
All you’ll own is earth until
You can paint with all the colors of the wind
I love the very last line that says how how "you can own the earth but still all you'll own is earth". First of all, I alway appreciate a good play on words. Secondly, I guess at a time when I keep thinking of the many things that I wish I could have, its hard to not see this as a reminder to look at what really matters, beyond what is just painfully obvious to the eye.
New Year is always a time where you have a answer the same questions that your relatives asked last year, the year before, then the year before that... you get the drift. Its the time where you mumble the same non-commital and non-consequential answer you give every year. Its almost like a ritual, when you consider just how everyone actually doesn't really care what the question is, or what the answer is. Someone's gotta ask the questions in a semblance of actually caring, while the other gives the obligatory show of respect by replying.
Well... this year was a lot more fun. Watching the eyes of my relatives slowly coming to life as I break the news that "no, I haven't graduated. I've quit school." Grins.
See, the questions start with my youngest cousins, and work its way up to me. Along the way, 7 of my younger cousins presented glowing reports of how they've excelled in school, right up to the time its my turn to answer. Everyone suddenly doesn't know how to react to my announcement, and then everyone tries very hard to pretend that dropping out of school is no biggie.
Hehz...
See, I actually don't give two hoots what they think. I see them only once a year, and I honestly couldn't care less what actually goes through their minds. So it was pretty fun to watch their expressions unfold right before me this year. Almost like how I loved to break the news of my breakup right when someone jovially asks me where my girlfriend is. Grins. Watching the jaw drop in disbelief, then the embarrassment, then the desperate attemp to cover up the awkwardness... before I assure them its alright, since its happened 6 months ago.
Grins.
Ah well. Its been a slightly more interesting new year than the previous years just because of that. But getting back to the song now. I guess a part of me wondered how nice to would have been if things had gone smoothly. If I had graduated. If I had actually gone on to be a teacher. If I was still attached. How I would probably by now have been driving the car that my family bought by not having to spend it on a second education for me, as well as paying back MOE for my breaking the bond. I guess if there was anything that wasn't funny about the whole New Year visitations and the fun I was having, it would be that.
Mebbe that was one reason why I was a little depressed. Thinking back again to my screw-ups. There are days when I can't seem to get out at all. Where I seem to be forever imprisoned by my past failures (which I seem to continually rack up), imprisoned by the crippling fear that I would never be able to break the cycle. Its like the quote I posted some time back by Frodo:
"How do you pick up the threads of your old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend, some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold."
And I needed a reminder that having all those things I mentioned above would have meant so little in light of the many silver linings that have emerged from the dark days of my life. Like the friends who have stayed by me, like the support my family has so lovingly given, like the ministry in church that now actually seems to be going somewhere... And somewhere down the line, hopefully another silver lining would have been stories of the courage that I found to walk out of the prison that I seem to have built for myself.
I guess its true. The money would have been nice, but its still just money. The job would have meant I could give an accounting to everyone about how I'm now self-supporting, no longer a shameless dependant. The girlfriend... well... nvm. The car... erm.. that would have been nice. Grins.
Still... I guess being the fatalistic romantic that I am, I really would have chosen my prison bars along with all the silver linings that it offered, as opposed to the 'easy' route. Hopefully, one day I'd be able to quote Robert Frost when talking about my life:
"Somewhere ages and ages hence
Two roads diverged in a wood and I -
I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference."
You think you own whatever land you land on
The earth is just a dead thing you can claim
But I know every rock and tree and creature
Has a life, has a spirit, has a name
You think the only people who are people
Are the people who look and think like you
But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger
You’ll learn things you never knew you never knew
Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
Or asked the grinning bobcat why he grins
Can you sing with all the voices of the mountain
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind
Come run the hidden pine trails of the forest
Come taste the sun sweet berries of the earth
Come roll in all the riches all around you
And for once never wonder what they’re worth
The rainstorm and the river are my brothers
The heron and the otter are my friends
And we are all connected to each other
In a circle, in a hoop that never ends
Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
Or let the eagle tell you where he’s been
Can you sing with all the voices of the mountain
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind
How high does the sycamore grow
If you cut it down then you’ll never know
And you’ll never heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
Or whether we are white or copper skinned
You need to sing with all the voices of the mountain
You need to paint with all the colors of the wind
You can own the earth but still
All you’ll own is earth until
You can paint with all the colors of the wind
I love the very last line that says how how "you can own the earth but still all you'll own is earth". First of all, I alway appreciate a good play on words. Secondly, I guess at a time when I keep thinking of the many things that I wish I could have, its hard to not see this as a reminder to look at what really matters, beyond what is just painfully obvious to the eye.
New Year is always a time where you have a answer the same questions that your relatives asked last year, the year before, then the year before that... you get the drift. Its the time where you mumble the same non-commital and non-consequential answer you give every year. Its almost like a ritual, when you consider just how everyone actually doesn't really care what the question is, or what the answer is. Someone's gotta ask the questions in a semblance of actually caring, while the other gives the obligatory show of respect by replying.
Well... this year was a lot more fun. Watching the eyes of my relatives slowly coming to life as I break the news that "no, I haven't graduated. I've quit school." Grins.
See, the questions start with my youngest cousins, and work its way up to me. Along the way, 7 of my younger cousins presented glowing reports of how they've excelled in school, right up to the time its my turn to answer. Everyone suddenly doesn't know how to react to my announcement, and then everyone tries very hard to pretend that dropping out of school is no biggie.
Hehz...
See, I actually don't give two hoots what they think. I see them only once a year, and I honestly couldn't care less what actually goes through their minds. So it was pretty fun to watch their expressions unfold right before me this year. Almost like how I loved to break the news of my breakup right when someone jovially asks me where my girlfriend is. Grins. Watching the jaw drop in disbelief, then the embarrassment, then the desperate attemp to cover up the awkwardness... before I assure them its alright, since its happened 6 months ago.
Grins.
Ah well. Its been a slightly more interesting new year than the previous years just because of that. But getting back to the song now. I guess a part of me wondered how nice to would have been if things had gone smoothly. If I had graduated. If I had actually gone on to be a teacher. If I was still attached. How I would probably by now have been driving the car that my family bought by not having to spend it on a second education for me, as well as paying back MOE for my breaking the bond. I guess if there was anything that wasn't funny about the whole New Year visitations and the fun I was having, it would be that.
Mebbe that was one reason why I was a little depressed. Thinking back again to my screw-ups. There are days when I can't seem to get out at all. Where I seem to be forever imprisoned by my past failures (which I seem to continually rack up), imprisoned by the crippling fear that I would never be able to break the cycle. Its like the quote I posted some time back by Frodo:
"How do you pick up the threads of your old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend, some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold."
And I needed a reminder that having all those things I mentioned above would have meant so little in light of the many silver linings that have emerged from the dark days of my life. Like the friends who have stayed by me, like the support my family has so lovingly given, like the ministry in church that now actually seems to be going somewhere... And somewhere down the line, hopefully another silver lining would have been stories of the courage that I found to walk out of the prison that I seem to have built for myself.
I guess its true. The money would have been nice, but its still just money. The job would have meant I could give an accounting to everyone about how I'm now self-supporting, no longer a shameless dependant. The girlfriend... well... nvm. The car... erm.. that would have been nice. Grins.
Still... I guess being the fatalistic romantic that I am, I really would have chosen my prison bars along with all the silver linings that it offered, as opposed to the 'easy' route. Hopefully, one day I'd be able to quote Robert Frost when talking about my life:
"Somewhere ages and ages hence
Two roads diverged in a wood and I -
I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference."
Saturday, February 12, 2005
Thursday, February 10, 2005
I'm So Cool!!!!!
Not...
Its the second day of the New Year... I'm sitting at home, being bored out of my skin... Still not allowed to drive. Its been 48 hours!!!!! I wanna drive!!!! Hehz... my family's driving me nuts. Grins.
Its been two super-hot days, and I'm just waiting to get my headache back again. I can feel it coming.
It6s been a morbid and sombre New Yr... Visitations have been cut by 50%, which explains why I'm at home now. With my uncle and grandma having passed away last yr, and another of my uncle down with dementia, it kindda meant that its been a tough yr to pretend that things are back to normal. Man, if I dun get myself a girl, I'm gonna start having to visit the same family twice in order to just get an excuse to go out of the house oredi. Hehz...
I think Fiona Xie looks great in the new Citigems commercial...
Hehz...
I'm gonna start work next week. KC offered me a job working in Canon, in Jurong, doing some system maintenance. I'll be glad to finally get my butt of the chair, and to finally start earning my own keep.
Man, I'm seriously bored out of my skin. Bored. Bored. Bored.
Damn. Its times like this that I wish I was studying. At least there's something to do. Right now I'd give anything to find something meaningful to do.
Like blogging about something worth reading, instead of the crap that you're reading right now.
Grins.
Its the second day of the New Year... I'm sitting at home, being bored out of my skin... Still not allowed to drive. Its been 48 hours!!!!! I wanna drive!!!! Hehz... my family's driving me nuts. Grins.
Its been two super-hot days, and I'm just waiting to get my headache back again. I can feel it coming.
It6s been a morbid and sombre New Yr... Visitations have been cut by 50%, which explains why I'm at home now. With my uncle and grandma having passed away last yr, and another of my uncle down with dementia, it kindda meant that its been a tough yr to pretend that things are back to normal. Man, if I dun get myself a girl, I'm gonna start having to visit the same family twice in order to just get an excuse to go out of the house oredi. Hehz...
I think Fiona Xie looks great in the new Citigems commercial...
Hehz...
I'm gonna start work next week. KC offered me a job working in Canon, in Jurong, doing some system maintenance. I'll be glad to finally get my butt of the chair, and to finally start earning my own keep.
Man, I'm seriously bored out of my skin. Bored. Bored. Bored.
Damn. Its times like this that I wish I was studying. At least there's something to do. Right now I'd give anything to find something meaningful to do.
Like blogging about something worth reading, instead of the crap that you're reading right now.
Grins.
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Golden Oldies...
Don't Look Back In Anger
Slip inside the eye of your mind
Don't you know you might find
A better place to play
You said that you'd once never been
All the things that you've seen
Will slowly fade away
So I'll start the revolution from my bed
Cos you said the brains I had went to my head
Step outside the summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out
So Sally can wait, she knows its too late as we're walking on by
Her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger I hear you say
Take me to the place where you go
Where nobody knows if it's night or day
Please don't put your life in the hands
Of a Rock n Roll band
Who'll throw it all away
So I'll start the revolution from my bed
Cos you said the brains I had went to my head
Step outside the summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out
So Sally can wait, she knows its too late as we're walking on by
Her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger I hear you say
Don't look back in anger
Don't look back in anger
Don't look back in anger
At least not today
Slip inside the eye of your mind
Don't you know you might find
A better place to play
You said that you'd once never been
All the things that you've seen
Will slowly fade away
So I'll start the revolution from my bed
Cos you said the brains I had went to my head
Step outside the summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out
So Sally can wait, she knows its too late as we're walking on by
Her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger I hear you say
Take me to the place where you go
Where nobody knows if it's night or day
Please don't put your life in the hands
Of a Rock n Roll band
Who'll throw it all away
So I'll start the revolution from my bed
Cos you said the brains I had went to my head
Step outside the summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out
So Sally can wait, she knows its too late as we're walking on by
Her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger I hear you say
Don't look back in anger
Don't look back in anger
Don't look back in anger
At least not today
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Happy New Year
So here I am, abt 15 mins away from the new yr, blogging from my cousin's computer in Kembangan. Didn't particularly feel like sitting down to watch TV, so just chilled out in their study room.
Went down to Changi hospital yesterday to visit Baoyu. Well, her mom, actually. Her dad had just been discharged from the hospital for a lack of blood, when her mom got admitted for an acute stroke. Its times like this when I step back and once again the strength of character and faith that she has in meeting the difficulties that she's facing really strikes me. But at the same time, its really hard to see her in the shape that she's in, with all that's happening to her... esp in light of what she shared with us about her stress at work, and her worry over her family. Barely two months later, she's now hit with a tonne of bricks. Sheesh.
Well, on a lighter note, I passed my driving this morning. Hehz... Its amazing stuff man. Honestly thought I'd fail. One of the few things in my life where I can honestly say with no reservation and no hint of fasle modesty, that I passed by God's grace alone. Hehz... Man, with the sort of mistakes that I made and all, I really didn't know how I did it. Rather guiltily, I realized that I was so nervous before the test, and I kept praying that I'd pass. The test itself was a nightmare, esp cos I actually made a lot of mistakes. Yet when I passed, I was so busy messaging pple that it was some time later when I settled down to thank God. Hehz... Talk about the only one out of ten who returned to thank Jesus. Hmm.. mebbe if Jesus had stuck around longer... hehz...
Met up at 1 with Henry for lunch, we stayed back to talk until 5 plus... hehz... amazing... We were talking about a lotta stuff, from how our church lacked a real model of discipleship in the sense of really investing into people's lives. I feel that esp in the context of our church, its so easy to substitude discipleship and the mentoring of one's life with mere BS, asuming very falsely that good BS would naturally change a person's life. So we all take the easy way out, thinking that if we handled the Word of God properly, then we are not at fault when a person doesn't change - the person is merely stubborn and hardening himself against God. I was telling Henry that I honestly felt tha's the reason why our church all end up growing very cold and detached, because ten years later after the passion of youth in our fellowship dies down, we realise that the only thing holding us together is mere head knowledge. There was no real relating taking place at all.
We also shared about how God is a God of communion, and we being made in the image of God all reflect that. I was telling him that in light of a few friends sharing with me their apparent gift of celibacy, I was getting really skeptical about whether that gift really exists. After all, if God's very nature is communion, why would He bestow a gift that's contrary to that? I mean, I can understand some peopel chooseing to remain single, denying themselves of the pleasures of marriage and the joy it brings, for what they deem a higher call. I can understand some people's preference for singlehood. I can even understand some people's inability to relate properly and thus shunning the intimacy that marriage brings. But I really dun see how God would actually bestow a gift that's contrary to His nature. For many of those who prefess to have this 'gift', their profession of such seems to be more a means to lend some legitimacy to what they've chosen to do.
Hehz...
Anyway, was a little shocked when Grace got word that I passed my driving today, and messaged me just now. Dunno what to say. I mean, I tried to make peace with her and to try to salvage the friendship. But when she didn't even dare to say hi to me in front of Andrew that night when I saw her, I just really didn't want to have anything more to do with her. But I guess when she congratulates me for passing, "Its none of your buisness" isn't the nicest reply to give la. So I just wussed out, thanking her and wishing her Happy New Yr in return. Hehz... Shit man. I can be so lame sometimes. Can't even decide if I'm pissed at her, or if I can't be bothered at all.
Gonna have a whole host of lunch and dinner appointments in the next few days. Time to start wearing all those looser pants and pray that somehow in the course of working and studying, I can shed all those extra pounds. I mean, men have to really exercise like mad to lose all that unwanted fat. Women have it so much easier - just divorce him.
Muahahahahahaha...
Grins. Anyway, its 2 more minutes to the New Yr. Better run.
Happy New Yr, one and all!!!
Went down to Changi hospital yesterday to visit Baoyu. Well, her mom, actually. Her dad had just been discharged from the hospital for a lack of blood, when her mom got admitted for an acute stroke. Its times like this when I step back and once again the strength of character and faith that she has in meeting the difficulties that she's facing really strikes me. But at the same time, its really hard to see her in the shape that she's in, with all that's happening to her... esp in light of what she shared with us about her stress at work, and her worry over her family. Barely two months later, she's now hit with a tonne of bricks. Sheesh.
Well, on a lighter note, I passed my driving this morning. Hehz... Its amazing stuff man. Honestly thought I'd fail. One of the few things in my life where I can honestly say with no reservation and no hint of fasle modesty, that I passed by God's grace alone. Hehz... Man, with the sort of mistakes that I made and all, I really didn't know how I did it. Rather guiltily, I realized that I was so nervous before the test, and I kept praying that I'd pass. The test itself was a nightmare, esp cos I actually made a lot of mistakes. Yet when I passed, I was so busy messaging pple that it was some time later when I settled down to thank God. Hehz... Talk about the only one out of ten who returned to thank Jesus. Hmm.. mebbe if Jesus had stuck around longer... hehz...
Met up at 1 with Henry for lunch, we stayed back to talk until 5 plus... hehz... amazing... We were talking about a lotta stuff, from how our church lacked a real model of discipleship in the sense of really investing into people's lives. I feel that esp in the context of our church, its so easy to substitude discipleship and the mentoring of one's life with mere BS, asuming very falsely that good BS would naturally change a person's life. So we all take the easy way out, thinking that if we handled the Word of God properly, then we are not at fault when a person doesn't change - the person is merely stubborn and hardening himself against God. I was telling Henry that I honestly felt tha's the reason why our church all end up growing very cold and detached, because ten years later after the passion of youth in our fellowship dies down, we realise that the only thing holding us together is mere head knowledge. There was no real relating taking place at all.
We also shared about how God is a God of communion, and we being made in the image of God all reflect that. I was telling him that in light of a few friends sharing with me their apparent gift of celibacy, I was getting really skeptical about whether that gift really exists. After all, if God's very nature is communion, why would He bestow a gift that's contrary to that? I mean, I can understand some peopel chooseing to remain single, denying themselves of the pleasures of marriage and the joy it brings, for what they deem a higher call. I can understand some people's preference for singlehood. I can even understand some people's inability to relate properly and thus shunning the intimacy that marriage brings. But I really dun see how God would actually bestow a gift that's contrary to His nature. For many of those who prefess to have this 'gift', their profession of such seems to be more a means to lend some legitimacy to what they've chosen to do.
Hehz...
Anyway, was a little shocked when Grace got word that I passed my driving today, and messaged me just now. Dunno what to say. I mean, I tried to make peace with her and to try to salvage the friendship. But when she didn't even dare to say hi to me in front of Andrew that night when I saw her, I just really didn't want to have anything more to do with her. But I guess when she congratulates me for passing, "Its none of your buisness" isn't the nicest reply to give la. So I just wussed out, thanking her and wishing her Happy New Yr in return. Hehz... Shit man. I can be so lame sometimes. Can't even decide if I'm pissed at her, or if I can't be bothered at all.
Gonna have a whole host of lunch and dinner appointments in the next few days. Time to start wearing all those looser pants and pray that somehow in the course of working and studying, I can shed all those extra pounds. I mean, men have to really exercise like mad to lose all that unwanted fat. Women have it so much easier - just divorce him.
Muahahahahahaha...
Grins. Anyway, its 2 more minutes to the New Yr. Better run.
Happy New Yr, one and all!!!
Monday, February 07, 2005
When God Ran
When God Ran
Almighty God, the great I Am
Immovable rock, omnipotent, powerful, awesome Lord
Victorious warrior, commanding King of kings, mighty conqueror
And the only time – the only time I ever saw Him run
Was when He ran to me, took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest, said “My son’s come home again”
Looked at my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice He said
“Son do you know I still love you”
He caught me by surprise
When God ran
The day I left home, I knew I’d broken His heart
I wondered then if things would ever be the same
But one night I remembered His love for me
And down that dusty road ahead I could see
It’s the only time – the only time I ever saw Him run
I saw Him run to me
And then I ran to Him…
Holy one, righteous Judge – He turned my way
Now I know, He’s been waiting for this day
And then He ran to me, took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest, said “My son’s come home again”
Looked at my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice I felt His love for me again
He ran to me, took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest, said “My son’s come home again”
Looked at my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice He said
“My son do you know I still love you”
He ran to meWhen God ran
Almighty God, the great I Am
Immovable rock, omnipotent, powerful, awesome Lord
Victorious warrior, commanding King of kings, mighty conqueror
And the only time – the only time I ever saw Him run
Was when He ran to me, took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest, said “My son’s come home again”
Looked at my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice He said
“Son do you know I still love you”
He caught me by surprise
When God ran
The day I left home, I knew I’d broken His heart
I wondered then if things would ever be the same
But one night I remembered His love for me
And down that dusty road ahead I could see
It’s the only time – the only time I ever saw Him run
I saw Him run to me
And then I ran to Him…
Holy one, righteous Judge – He turned my way
Now I know, He’s been waiting for this day
And then He ran to me, took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest, said “My son’s come home again”
Looked at my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice I felt His love for me again
He ran to me, took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest, said “My son’s come home again”
Looked at my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice He said
“My son do you know I still love you”
He ran to meWhen God ran
One Of Those Nights
Yet another sleepless night where I wallow in self-pity and depression. Just finished a really intense session at Zhang Mu Shi's place today. From now till Sept, we'll be doing a series on worship that's in preparation for a mission trip that takes place then. We're to break into teams, and research on a selection of books in order to come up with the materials to form a curiculum fir the mission trip. Man, I dunno how much more of this I can handle. Really really not the very brainy type that takes in so much info very well. With DG, cell group (2 of them...), BS with Ham, scripture memory in church, Core Group & Levite Ministry matters to remember, that's just in church.
Dunno how I'm gonna juggle school and work also man. Sigh.
Was just thinking of what Syl said just now at supper, when she was bemoaning how she wishes she could just keep platonic relationships with guys... like how the only girls I have a close friendship with are those who see me as one with no possibility of extending it beyond a platonic relationship.
Was thinking just for how much longer is my luck gonna keep... for in the day I meet someone whom I develop a friendship for, and I later wish to take it one step further, its really gonna suck to realise that she sees me as nothing more than just friends. And knowing how I tend to get emotionally involved so easily, I think I'm just a ticking time bomb waiting to happen.
Sigh.
Can't sleep cos I keep dreaming of the number of ways I'm gonna crash my car on tuesday, and end up murdering my examiner in utter furstration... end up in jail for the rest of my life, and then bite my tongue and die a bloody mess inside Changi.
Hehz...
One of those nights.
Happy New year, guys. Grins.
Dunno how I'm gonna juggle school and work also man. Sigh.
Was just thinking of what Syl said just now at supper, when she was bemoaning how she wishes she could just keep platonic relationships with guys... like how the only girls I have a close friendship with are those who see me as one with no possibility of extending it beyond a platonic relationship.
Was thinking just for how much longer is my luck gonna keep... for in the day I meet someone whom I develop a friendship for, and I later wish to take it one step further, its really gonna suck to realise that she sees me as nothing more than just friends. And knowing how I tend to get emotionally involved so easily, I think I'm just a ticking time bomb waiting to happen.
Sigh.
Can't sleep cos I keep dreaming of the number of ways I'm gonna crash my car on tuesday, and end up murdering my examiner in utter furstration... end up in jail for the rest of my life, and then bite my tongue and die a bloody mess inside Changi.
Hehz...
One of those nights.
Happy New year, guys. Grins.
Sunday, February 06, 2005
The Broken Radio
So another week has passed. Just finished 3 days of the Evening Expositions by Project Timothy, this time on the Parables Of Jesus. John Chapman and Vaughan Roberts. I think they both were great, and I thoroghly enjoyed myself. I guess when they preach on something less lofty than Revelations, and on something much more applicable like the parables, its something that I more readily identify with, and something that I feel more readily speaks to my life as I currently am living it.
The one that really stood out was the parable of the Prodigal Son. Definitely my best-love parable, I've many times felt exactly like the lost son, and how I don't think I could face God again after I've time and again spurned his love for me. Its so apt that only on sunday, Zhang Mu Shi gave exactly the same message, speaking on how only when we realise just how much we don't revere God and still treat His love with the due gratefulness that it deserves, do we realise just how deeply God truly loves us, that He foresaw all that and yet still chose to die for one such as us.
It seems that inevitably everytime PT comes around, there will always be a message before and after that, which very clearly confirms what it is that God wants to say to me, and this has been no exception. The same thought that keeps surfacing in my mind, that God is somehow reminding me that in the midst of trying to re-build back my life, I ought not to become my own ruler, but to keep in mind that God is still the Lord of my life. From the bible studies in DG on the book of Mark and how much it stresses Jesus as king, to John Chapman's message in ARPC right before PT when he talks abt Jesus forgiving the lame man before telling him to get up and walk... and even in the parable of the Prodigal Son, where the call is to return to God. To repent. To go back to the way I once was, when I had a love for God that was uncluttered by other concerns that gradually seemed to take over.
Its like how urgent things always seem to be what's demanding attention, when what really needs to be done are the important things. That's true of life, and yet how much truer of my spiritual life. So many times I let the urgent things in life crowd out the greater picture. Heck, ironically even the latest episode of the West Wing which I just downloaded came right back at me with exactly the same message. The Bartlett administration is into its last 365 days. And even as Leo finally returns to the White House, he watches them spend the day tackling all sorts of foreign crisises having to do with foreign elections and drugs in Columbia, only to be reminded by him at the end of the whole day that they have the more important issues to keep their eyes fixed upon, such as education, health care and employment. I was just enjoying the episode when it suddenly hit home that it was exactly the same thing that God's been telling me all week, about not forgetting the big picture, and getting bogged down with the unimportant matters.
I guess there are days when God really DOES shout.
Zhang Mu Shi today brought up the analogy of the the radio. He was talking about how we need to stop treating our relationship to God as something measured by standards we put up. Keeping the Sabbath, Fasting, Circumcision, Christian Aesthetics... that sort of thing. Christianity is about "Me and You", not "Me and It". So he likens us to a radio that is constantly trying to tune in to God, trying to perfect our frequency. When we stop trying, we move further away from the right frequency and God's voice and guidance gets reduced to mere static. But if we keep at it, we get closer and closer to the proper frequency and we begin to make out God's voice a little clearer everyday.
The first thought that went into my mind was wondering how broken my radio is. Hehz... I guess the reminder that its time for me to do something and stop moping is as clear as it gets... Time to get my butt off the chair.
Driving test coming up on tues. *gulp*
*fingers crossed*
Valentines' coming right up. Times like this at 2:30am when I'm writing this, I'm inevitably feeling really down. That sense of loneliness is pretty scary... That I might never ever recover from my broken r/s, but let the scars forever haunt me so that I can't ever trust a girl with my heart, or ever again feel that I'd be able to measure up to a girl's expectations and dare to even think abt asking her out...
Sigh.
Its been a while since I whined abt this now, but lately its been coming back to me. The sense of inadequacy, that I really don't have anything right now to offer any girl... the end result that no girl would ever be willing to commit to me... and by the time I ever come anywhere near being able to achieve something, I'd already be somewhere in my thirties. The prospects of being alone for the next 4 to 5 years is pretty demoralising. Sigh. Shit man. And when I talk about getting myslef a dog, there are those stupid brats who just laugh at me. Grins.
Ah well. Be of good cheer, Peng. Man Utd just beat Arsenal 4-2 in mid week, and Birmingham 2-0 just now. I guess second place isn't that bad. I ought to be used to it. Been second placed in the hearts of all the girls I loved before anyway. Hehz...
The one that really stood out was the parable of the Prodigal Son. Definitely my best-love parable, I've many times felt exactly like the lost son, and how I don't think I could face God again after I've time and again spurned his love for me. Its so apt that only on sunday, Zhang Mu Shi gave exactly the same message, speaking on how only when we realise just how much we don't revere God and still treat His love with the due gratefulness that it deserves, do we realise just how deeply God truly loves us, that He foresaw all that and yet still chose to die for one such as us.
It seems that inevitably everytime PT comes around, there will always be a message before and after that, which very clearly confirms what it is that God wants to say to me, and this has been no exception. The same thought that keeps surfacing in my mind, that God is somehow reminding me that in the midst of trying to re-build back my life, I ought not to become my own ruler, but to keep in mind that God is still the Lord of my life. From the bible studies in DG on the book of Mark and how much it stresses Jesus as king, to John Chapman's message in ARPC right before PT when he talks abt Jesus forgiving the lame man before telling him to get up and walk... and even in the parable of the Prodigal Son, where the call is to return to God. To repent. To go back to the way I once was, when I had a love for God that was uncluttered by other concerns that gradually seemed to take over.
Its like how urgent things always seem to be what's demanding attention, when what really needs to be done are the important things. That's true of life, and yet how much truer of my spiritual life. So many times I let the urgent things in life crowd out the greater picture. Heck, ironically even the latest episode of the West Wing which I just downloaded came right back at me with exactly the same message. The Bartlett administration is into its last 365 days. And even as Leo finally returns to the White House, he watches them spend the day tackling all sorts of foreign crisises having to do with foreign elections and drugs in Columbia, only to be reminded by him at the end of the whole day that they have the more important issues to keep their eyes fixed upon, such as education, health care and employment. I was just enjoying the episode when it suddenly hit home that it was exactly the same thing that God's been telling me all week, about not forgetting the big picture, and getting bogged down with the unimportant matters.
I guess there are days when God really DOES shout.
Zhang Mu Shi today brought up the analogy of the the radio. He was talking about how we need to stop treating our relationship to God as something measured by standards we put up. Keeping the Sabbath, Fasting, Circumcision, Christian Aesthetics... that sort of thing. Christianity is about "Me and You", not "Me and It". So he likens us to a radio that is constantly trying to tune in to God, trying to perfect our frequency. When we stop trying, we move further away from the right frequency and God's voice and guidance gets reduced to mere static. But if we keep at it, we get closer and closer to the proper frequency and we begin to make out God's voice a little clearer everyday.
The first thought that went into my mind was wondering how broken my radio is. Hehz... I guess the reminder that its time for me to do something and stop moping is as clear as it gets... Time to get my butt off the chair.
Driving test coming up on tues. *gulp*
*fingers crossed*
Valentines' coming right up. Times like this at 2:30am when I'm writing this, I'm inevitably feeling really down. That sense of loneliness is pretty scary... That I might never ever recover from my broken r/s, but let the scars forever haunt me so that I can't ever trust a girl with my heart, or ever again feel that I'd be able to measure up to a girl's expectations and dare to even think abt asking her out...
Sigh.
Its been a while since I whined abt this now, but lately its been coming back to me. The sense of inadequacy, that I really don't have anything right now to offer any girl... the end result that no girl would ever be willing to commit to me... and by the time I ever come anywhere near being able to achieve something, I'd already be somewhere in my thirties. The prospects of being alone for the next 4 to 5 years is pretty demoralising. Sigh. Shit man. And when I talk about getting myslef a dog, there are those stupid brats who just laugh at me. Grins.
Ah well. Be of good cheer, Peng. Man Utd just beat Arsenal 4-2 in mid week, and Birmingham 2-0 just now. I guess second place isn't that bad. I ought to be used to it. Been second placed in the hearts of all the girls I loved before anyway. Hehz...
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