New Year Thoughts

Colors Of The Wind
You think you own whatever land you land on
The earth is just a dead thing you can claim
But I know every rock and tree and creature
Has a life, has a spirit, has a name
You think the only people who are people
Are the people who look and think like you
But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger
You’ll learn things you never knew you never knew

Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
Or asked the grinning bobcat why he grins
Can you sing with all the voices of the mountain
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind

Come run the hidden pine trails of the forest
Come taste the sun sweet berries of the earth
Come roll in all the riches all around you
And for once never wonder what they’re worth
The rainstorm and the river are my brothers
The heron and the otter are my friends
And we are all connected to each other
In a circle, in a hoop that never ends

Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
Or let the eagle tell you where he’s been
Can you sing with all the voices of the mountain
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind

How high does the sycamore grow
If you cut it down then you’ll never know

And you’ll never heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
Or whether we are white or copper skinned
You need to sing with all the voices of the mountain
You need to paint with all the colors of the wind

You can own the earth but still
All you’ll own is earth until
You can paint with all the colors of the wind

I love the very last line that says how how "you can own the earth but still all you'll own is earth". First of all, I alway appreciate a good play on words. Secondly, I guess at a time when I keep thinking of the many things that I wish I could have, its hard to not see this as a reminder to look at what really matters, beyond what is just painfully obvious to the eye.

New Year is always a time where you have a answer the same questions that your relatives asked last year, the year before, then the year before that... you get the drift. Its the time where you mumble the same non-commital and non-consequential answer you give every year. Its almost like a ritual, when you consider just how everyone actually doesn't really care what the question is, or what the answer is. Someone's gotta ask the questions in a semblance of actually caring, while the other gives the obligatory show of respect by replying.

Well... this year was a lot more fun. Watching the eyes of my relatives slowly coming to life as I break the news that "no, I haven't graduated. I've quit school." Grins.

See, the questions start with my youngest cousins, and work its way up to me. Along the way, 7 of my younger cousins presented glowing reports of how they've excelled in school, right up to the time its my turn to answer. Everyone suddenly doesn't know how to react to my announcement, and then everyone tries very hard to pretend that dropping out of school is no biggie.

Hehz...

See, I actually don't give two hoots what they think. I see them only once a year, and I honestly couldn't care less what actually goes through their minds. So it was pretty fun to watch their expressions unfold right before me this year. Almost like how I loved to break the news of my breakup right when someone jovially asks me where my girlfriend is. Grins. Watching the jaw drop in disbelief, then the embarrassment, then the desperate attemp to cover up the awkwardness... before I assure them its alright, since its happened 6 months ago.

Grins.

Ah well. Its been a slightly more interesting new year than the previous years just because of that. But getting back to the song now. I guess a part of me wondered how nice to would have been if things had gone smoothly. If I had graduated. If I had actually gone on to be a teacher. If I was still attached. How I would probably by now have been driving the car that my family bought by not having to spend it on a second education for me, as well as paying back MOE for my breaking the bond. I guess if there was anything that wasn't funny about the whole New Year visitations and the fun I was having, it would be that.

Mebbe that was one reason why I was a little depressed. Thinking back again to my screw-ups. There are days when I can't seem to get out at all. Where I seem to be forever imprisoned by my past failures (which I seem to continually rack up), imprisoned by the crippling fear that I would never be able to break the cycle. Its like the quote I posted some time back by Frodo:

"How do you pick up the threads of your old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend, some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold."

And I needed a reminder that having all those things I mentioned above would have meant so little in light of the many silver linings that have emerged from the dark days of my life. Like the friends who have stayed by me, like the support my family has so lovingly given, like the ministry in church that now actually seems to be going somewhere... And somewhere down the line, hopefully another silver lining would have been stories of the courage that I found to walk out of the prison that I seem to have built for myself.

I guess its true. The money would have been nice, but its still just money. The job would have meant I could give an accounting to everyone about how I'm now self-supporting, no longer a shameless dependant. The girlfriend... well... nvm. The car... erm.. that would have been nice. Grins.

Still... I guess being the fatalistic romantic that I am, I really would have chosen my prison bars along with all the silver linings that it offered, as opposed to the 'easy' route. Hopefully, one day I'd be able to quote Robert Frost when talking about my life:

"Somewhere ages and ages hence
Two roads diverged in a wood and I -
I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference."