Family Matters

The past 4 months, my mom has been on a long-term MC due to her kneee condition. That means both my parents have been home, more or less in retirement mode. Living with two old people at home... well, most people will tell you that one old person at home is usually cause for a fair amt of trouble already. And since both my parents are actually more than old enough to be grandparents, I guess that well means I have some basis of justification for trying to NOT be at home all day long, even when I actually can.

Parents are always such a mystery. Its really rare luck when someone gets a pair of very understanding ones. Most parents are at best very nice to their children. Lots of them aren't even nice. Many hit their children, exploit them, abuse them emotionally, or neglect them.

I guess I'm not trying to be an ingrate when I feel that there're a lotta things I wished my parents would be. I do think they've been as nice as I could ever have asked for. Really accommodating, really helpful, and have never really sought to put me down deliberately. So what exactly's been my beef with them?

I feel that in my family, I'm very much the odd one out. Whereas everyone else in my family are by nature more rational, I'm more emotional. I'm nowhere near as pragmatic as my sis, my mom or heck, even my dad. And I guess that's always been something my family could never accept. Sure enough, they've never derided me for it. But I've never been affirmed before as well, for just who I am, and my strengths in my own right. My parents always saw my lack of pragmatism as a lack of maturity, and thus I've always been the one whose opinion never carries much weight in the family, even on those occasions when I've been proven right in my assesment instead of theirs.

And that pisses me off no end. I think I've mentioned before that I'm someone who thrives on trust. The more you show you trust me, the more I'm motivated to earn your trust, and be worthy of it. Show me that you dun trust me, and I start feeling I shd let you be on the receiving end of your perception of me.

Don't get me wrong, my parents are very very nice to me. Paul would readily attest to that fact, and agree with me. And I'm grateful. Very grateful. But after a certain point in time, I guess I want more. I would have traded their pampering for a little more understanding, a little more empathy. After all, I'm not looking for a servant. I'm looking for my parents. The ones who nurtured me, who shows that they can keep up with me, and accept me for who I've turned out to be. Who tries to understand me for who I am, instead of hanging on to a certain ideal of who they hope I'd be, and just be nice to me in the hope that one day I'd turn into their ideal.

After a while, it becomes really tiring to try to measure up to their expectation, while being true to who I really am. The brush offs at home when I offer my opinion becomes more marked, and more and more I feel a sense of detachment from the family. Nobody seems to be interested in listening to what I have to say, but only interested in telling me how things ought to be. Whether it be decisions on serving in church ever since I was in secondary school, to my choice of studies in NUS, to whether or not I shd drive the family car... its always been their opinion against mine. And everytime I make a decision to do what I wanna do instead of what they think I shd do, their perception of me as having made an immature decision is very palpable.

And also very disappointing.

And such has also been clearly seen in the weight of my opinion in the decisons of my sister's wedding. The only times I've been asked to be involved was to run errands for her. I had no idea she was getting married till waaaay after the decision was made, I had no idea where the wedding was gonna be held, or which hotel was it gonna be, or whatever info abt the wedding. pple think I'm just being evasive when I say I don't know any details, but the fact is, I'm usually one of the last to know.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not pissed abt that. It means less work for me anyway.

But I guess the fact that in two months' time, after my sis gets married, I'm gonna be living with two old people who used to depend very much on my sister's opinion and judgement of things. And the last thing I wanna hear would be the many subtle innuendos of "how your sis used to do things, and you shd therefore follow suit". Cos that would surely piss me off.

As it is now, I've stopped driving the family car since it results in so much conflict with my dad. But my whole family now has the impression that I'm just the spoilt brat picking a fight with my dad and trying to make things difficult.

*slaps forehead*

Ah well. There's really no way to win against an impression. Do ten thousand things right to try and swing things your way, it still only takes one wrong thing to affirm their long held opinion of you from the start. And I feel that's what I'm up against, once my sister marries and I'll have to face them both by myself.

Shit man.

Talk abt not looking forward to the day.

I think around that time I'd be seriously thinking abt signing on with the SAF Navy, and request to be posted long-term on a ship. Grins. Or to be posted to an Army in-camp unit. Whatever it takes to be away from my source of antagonism.

How? How????? How??????? How?????????????