Thursday, September 01, 2005

Sleepless In Singapore

Yes, another sleepless night for me.

My dreams of late have been pretty tense. Apart from that dream-which-would-get-me-scolded-by-someone-if-I-put-it-down-here, I also dreamt that I was stranded in France, frantically trying to get to somewhere to meet a deadline, but couldn't communicate to anyone what I was trying to do... I always wake up from my dreams even more tired than when I start out. And recently, I find that I can't really fall back to sleep again after I wake up. I'm too tense.

Sigh.

Watched The Perfect Catch. I think its been one of Drew Barrymore's better romantic comedies. At least, much better than 50 First Dates. Ironic, since in this movie she was absolutely trumped by the male lead, who did a fantastic job of playing out his character. The show was funny. Real funny. I guess Hollywood's moving from those saccharine-sweet romantic comedies where everything is just too perfect, to those with a slightly greater dose of reality, where there really isn't a Mister Right for a Miss Right, but basically showing how its all about accommodating each other, and therein lies the perfect relationship.

Ah well. Enough abt that.

Been trying lately to ask myself how have I grown spiritually over the past 9 months. The year's gonna be over before I know it, and it seems that lots of stuff have happened. In church, in cell, in the Levites Ministry... but in the midst of the hustle and bustle, I was just wondering how much have I grown in the Lord. Not in my understanding of the Bible, not in my service to Him, nor in service to one another, but just plainly how much I've grown in my relationship with God.

It seems that more often than not God remains elusive. I guess on a very generic level I can say "I feel closer to God than 3 yrs ago". Ask me what I base it on, and I could probably name a few reasons (I'm serving more, reading the bible more, I've finally moved on in my life...) but none of the reasons would suffice to be a legitimate means of causing me to draw closer to God. I just somehow seem to be better able to understand His heart, His purpose for my life, or what I think He intended by the things He put down in His Word.

Or at least, I think I know it better now.

And I think for me, that's a big thing. Not so much being anal abt my grasp of the scriptures, or being able to know at the tip of my tongue all the chapters and verses of the Bible, but more my ability to be able to bring the pathos of His Word into my everyday life. What some might call "obeying the spirit of the law, not the letter of the law". All my previous trainings have created in me the instinct to be dilligent in my scripture knowledge. To know very well the exactly source of the exact verses. And I still believe that's vital... in the long run. But if there's one thing I could change abt my own spiritual life during the formative years, I would not have emphasized so much on "scriptural academia". I feel that would be putting the cart before the horse.

Cos for all my grasp of the Word, it remained something firmly lodged in my head, something to be trumped out to tell someone. Very seldom did it ever become something to tell myself. I guess I'd liken it to how I've so often been put to shame by some christians with such a shallow grasp of theology or scripture, but who seem to live out a life that's ten times more congruent with MY grasp of theology, than my own life has.

And mebbe that's the lesson I've learnt the most this year... That the reason we all it "quiet time" is so that we remind ourselves very poignantly that its between me and God, and only between me and God. That I need to first and foremost direct my thoughts or insights abt His teachings into my own life, instead of the instinct to store it away somewhere, to be used in exposition or conversation in the future.

Dug out another old song, that used to be one of my favorites. "If I Stand", by Jars Of Clay. One of those songs that took my breath away the first time I heard it.

Now, if only I could dream of songs like this in my sleep, I might actually finally get some much-needed rest.

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