Closer

So much has happened lately in my life that I haven't blogged down. Been pretty much occupied with my thoughts even as I run around town for various errands and reasons for the past few weeks. From the cell grp MAF bbq, to my job interview, so much has actually happened. Yet I've somehow been very much lost in my own thoughts, and hazy ones they have been as best.

As they always have been.

Somehow I always seem to think better when I'm on the bus home. Once I sit in front of the PC, all my thoughts seem to either be running too quickly past me to be able to note them down and process them here on the blog, or else just don't seem to come at all. So what results is my streams-of-consciousness-esque blabbering that seldom appear even coherent, much less makes sense.

One song has really caught my attention these past 2 days tho. Its a new CD I bought, together with an excellent book I bought at the same time, which I'm very much engrossed in. The CD is called "Lifesong", by Casting Crowns. The song is the one playing right now, "Stained Glass Masquerade". Much has been made of Nichole Nordeman's song and lyrics, and it comes as no surprise therefore, to realise that this is a song co-written by her. The whole CD in general is pretty unique in that it speaks very much to the church, on issues within, instead of a praise/proclamation/worship CD. The object of attention seems to be as much directed at the body of Christ, as on Christ Himself. And somehow this song just struck such a chord with everything else I've always felt abt myself in church, as I'm sure is something many have felt, and still feel.

The book is another gem by Larry Crabb, simply titled "Connecting". Only at the first 2 chapters, but he's managed to keep me riveted. He assumes that many, if not all, in church are people hurting inside. And that the answer lies not in trying to manage one's spiritual life in the dogmatic way we all end up doing while at the same time verbally rejecting, but in the inter-personal relationships we all have. That fellowship is God's gift for us to one another. To quote one passage from him -

"Groups tend to emphasize accountability when they don't know how to relate. Better behavior through exhortation isn't the solution, though it sometimes is part of it. Rather than fixing psyches or scolding sinners, we must provide nourishment for the disconnected soul that only a community of connected people can offer."

That paragraph really swept me away, since it so succinctly put into words all my gripes so far with the way the church has always tried to 'treat' what it has viewed as 'deviant' behavior. Is someone behaving unacceptably? Well... since no one is close to him and can therefore talk to him, let's just point out stuff in the bible and let God speak to him instead. And so we start pointing out things in the bible to each other, thinking naively that since the word of God is alive, it would start changing those who obey - and so go on to label as rebellious those who don't seem to show a change in their lives. Throughout this whole process we forget that whether or not a person changes, he or she remains an alienated member of the community, since no one took the trouble to befriend and connect with the person.

The church lately has been emphasizing a lot on community living. On forgiving each other, and on showing grace towards one another. I'm really glad about that. For far too long our church has been such a divided body. I guess I myself am guilty of that in so many ways. But maybe part of growing up is the realisation that it very seldom is about what I think is right or wrong, but about what is best for everyone, and what would build each other up. So that I would show grace and tolerance towards someone who in my impression is sinning, rather than exercise discipline in full knowledge that it would instead stumble that person. If in no other way have I grown spiritually, at least this is one lesson I've learnt.

And that's something I really love about the song, and how ably the words reflect just how broken we all are inside, if we just be honest with each other and ourselves. Each on of us masking our desperation, and our insecurities. Everyone of us building walls around ourselves in order to look good enough for others to accept. And reading the book at the same time really does tie it all together for me, that the shame keeps us away from relating to others, which leaves us as disconnected souls that in turn breeds even more loneliness and self-loathing.

Its actually been more than 2 weeks since I've done proper quiet time already. Yet I've spent much time reflecting, and a little time in prayer. And like Bernice, I'm starting to want to see myself praying more, so that even when disconnected to people, I will at least start with a connection to God, then move on from there.

Am very interested to read the book through to the end...