Things I'll Never Say

Ironically after my post last night, I realised that the song currently playing in my mind for the past few weeks is titled "Things I'll Never Say'. Grins.


I’m tugging at my hair
I’m pulling at my clothes
I’m trying to keep my cool
I know it shows
I’m staring at my feet
My checks are turning red
I’m searching for the words inside my head

(Cause) I’m feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you’re worth it
You’re worth it
Yeah

If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I wanna blow you... away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down
On one knee
Marry me today
Guess I’m wishing my life away
With these things I’ll never say

It don’t do me any good
It’s just a waste of time
What use is it to you
What’s on my mind
If it ain’t coming out
We’re not going anywhere
So why can’t I just tell you that I care
- Avril Lavigne "Things I'll Never Say"

When You Say Nothing At All

A friend of mine messaged me not too long ago to tell me that she had decided to not pursue a friendship with a guy any further, and remain just friends. Tho she didn't sound terribly broken up about it, I have a sneaky suspicion it might be affecting her more than she cared to let on. And I have no doubt it probably left the guy pretty much hung up about it. But as for her, I think she's certainly come a long way in her approach towards relationships since her first boyfriend. And even as I was wondering what to say to her, I actually felt proud of her, that she was able to be strong enough to make the harder decision.

Relationships are such a funny thing. In some, what's important are the things that are said out loud. Encouragements, terms of endearments, confessions, personal revelations/disclosure... things that build up a relationship, and causes us to know each other. Some of us relate to each other this way. The direct approach, where we mean what we say, and say what we mean.

Then there's the other group of people who love to speak through the unspoken. The nuances, the body language, the subtle allusions they draw, or even just the expectation that the familiarity they share would get the message across. They relate through the very indirect ways of communication, yet sometimes are able to convey certain things across in much more powerful ways than anyone could ever have said it out loud. Somewhat like how pictures can paint a thousand words, so can a meaningful look to someone who understands you.

Its amazing how a look between two people who understand each other can convey so much more than half an hour in conversation can accomplish. In that one look, a hundred different images or incidences can flash through the brain, and draw the lines that connect these seemingly random thoughts, to construct the same idea in each other's minds, creating the understanding between them. And it goes beyond the thoughts and images in the brain, but also the emotions stirred up as well, be it joy or sadness.

I've known less than 5 people with whom I'm able to do that on a fairly regular level, where even certain things on the street can capture our attention at the same time. Thus a walk in Orchard Road would suddenly have us paying attention to a particular name of a shop, a poster, a person in the crowd, or just have the same thought suddenly spring up between us. And of each of the few with whom I have such an understanding, it is very different things that capture our attention, and which we use to create and renew that common understanding.

Relationships are amazing stuff. And so often its in the things unsaid that we are left amazed, for in any relationship, it is possible to understand each other if we verbalize out our thoughts. But only in the lives of those few whom we have bothered to nurture and cultivate a close understanding with, is it possible to communicate the 'silent way'.

And we see this in so many relationships. Sometimes we become so natural at this that we don't even realise how often we're talking to each other the unspoken way. Be it in our families, our close friends, or our romantic partner, we sometimes either deliberately or otherwise speak to each other the unspoken way. That's how we give ourselves away, or are unable to hide things from those whom we love. No matter what we claim, we both know otherwise.

I bring out this in a pretty random and abrupt manner cos I'm pretty excited by this new book I'm reading, from John Ortberg. Its called "God Is Closer Than You think", and so far from what I've read, its about seeking God in the subtle and unspoken ways of life. I guess it speaks to me in a time when I keep asking God for the tangibles. That He would speak to me in an obvious way, that He would show me what He foresees me doing in 5 years' time and where I'll be headed, that he would just tell me if He ever intends for me to have the soulmate I keep asking Him about. But God seems to value the unspoken words very much, for that's how He seems to expect us to know Him today. No 1-900 number to dial, no sane Pastor who would dare claim to speak with the voice of God to everyone in his church, no special dreams or visions... God seems to expect us to know Him in the subtleties of life, and in our walk with Him.

Incidentally, understanding is prob the only deal-breaker in my list of criterias for a soulmate. If we can't understand each other, and everything needs to be verbalized out and called as it is, then I don't consider the relationship to have matured at all.

But anyway, its really random thoughts tonight. But just something that really struck me. Cos things that are left unsaid can be such a beautiful thing, but as in the case of unrequited love, it can be a really painful thing. Cos even as my friend decided to not pursue her friendship any further, they had a good talk about it. I know of guys, myself included, who at one point in time or other, who had to leave the one thing they desperately wanted to say unspoken.

And sometimes when God doesn't speak to us plainly, the wait can turn out to be really painful. I spent 4 years in the spiritual wilderness, wondering where God is, and why everything around me seems to indicate that he has left me. And though I don't think I'm even close to being back on track spiritually, the sense that no longer am I in the wilderness, but am able to at times faintly but undoubtably sense God's presence in my life, and whispering to me. Whether or not I can make out what He's saying doesn't matter as much - as long as I know He's whispering to me!!!

I'm gonna go on reading that book. Pretty excited by it. I still hope God comes quickly, or else I go to Him quickly. But I guess in the face of the pretty small odds of that happening, I just have to continue to live each day as it comes, everyday trusting that again His grace would be sufficient to see me through, through my seasons of dryness or bountifulness.

Distractions

Had a pretty busy weekend, and I'm only just settled into my seat to chalk down some thoughts while waiting to be tired enough to fall asleep. As if the notion that I have to be up in less than 4 hrs' time isn't an incentive enough to feel sleepy...

Met Rulin for lunch on fri, and basically caught up with her a bit. Its always amazing how old friends who haven't seen each other for years can carry on a conversation as though it was just last week that they'd met. I mean, in so many ways we've both changed so much. Yet after having known her for almost 10 yrs now, there's a different sense of familiarity that comes back when we catch up. But ah well. At the end of the day, it was a quick lunch cos she had to do some stuff, so we didn't get to talk too much.

Had dinner with Henry and Bernice, again reprising my all too familiar role as the big lightbulb, as we had to discuss our presentation today on Post-Modernity and the role worship plays in the church. I guess I really enjoyed the discussion, and we actually managed to throw out some pretty good thoughts. But I guess good thoughts or not, Berno and Henry are such nice people that you'd enjoy dinner with them on any given day. Grins.

Woke up early on sat morning, went down to the new condo to help spot faults. And man, was it shoddy work. We picked out about 5 MAJOR faults, and over 60 less major but still very evident faults. I think my whole family's pretty pissed with it all. Bloody hell. I mean, they charged a million bucks, but delivered workmanship that HDB outdoes anytime. Not exactly what anyone would call acceptable.

Then rushed down to church to practice for worship, and Renji just HAD to pick all the songs in the oddest keys. And this being the first time I'll be playing solo without the guitar to help me, I swear on top of the horrendous mistakes I made today, my face was green. After the rehearsal, was the first day of the Christian Foundations class. I was taking the mandarin class, and hehz... felt almost sick by then. The whole class was all girls, making me feel even more uncomfortable on top of the language thing. And one girl actually decided to announce that she's always thought I was married - first to the class, then to all 20 something people later over refreshments.

Shit man. I'm not hearing the end of it in cell, nor do I think I'll ever hear the end of it for a while. It sorta spread throughout the rest of the Youth Service oredi. Dammit.

But it does bring me back to the topic again, that I dun mind being married. Hehz... I'm one of those suckers whom if the right girl comes along, I'd be willing to go into the commitment. but then again, when you see me play DotA, you'll realise just how foolhardy and rash I can be sometimes, plunging ahead only to get killed immediately. Grins.

Of course, came sunday where I played for service, followed by a 4 hrs Bible Study at Zhang Mu Shi's, on the Post-Modernity topic. Not to mention what a freakin' hot day it was, and just how tired out I was already feeling. Met Paul later for DotA, and here I am now.

Oh, Diana called, and I realized that this blog of mine, always something I intended to keep very very private, has actually circulated somewhat amongst friends. Shit man. Dunno how it got leaked out. But ah well. Just means I'll have to be more careful when I wanna bitch abt people. Grins. But to all you guys (and gals) reading this, dun indiscriminately start giving this out k? I dun mind SOME people knowing, not that I'd imagine anyone in the first place being interested in it, so just dun do things like link it to your blog publicly for just about everyone to read ya? Grins. Take note, Nut and Ruth.

Man Utd finally won in the premiership, beating Newcastle 2-1.

Lost 3 straight games to Paul tonight tho. He's really turned the tables around since he started out by losing to me everytime. Grins. Shit. Its impossible to balance things out in a one-on-one game sometimes, I guess. Characters you shdn't take cos its too easy to win, game strats you shdn't adopt cos the game just ends in 20 mins... that sorta thing. But its fun just in trying to pit your wits against each other in trying out ways to max out your character to take out the opponent. At least for me, its a distraction from a lotta things on my mind... church, relationships, my studies, jobs I'm still lookin for... that sorta thing. And oh, of course, how screwed up my com is.

There's something seriously wrong with my screen, cos it just has this permanent yellow filter over it, that doesn't go away. So everything I see now is yellow, or somewhat yellow.

Sucks.

My Favorite Things

Raindrops on roses,
And whiskers on kittens,
Bright copper kettles,
And warm woolen mittens,
Brown paper packages,
Tied up with strings,
These are a few of my favorite things . . .

Cream colored ponies,
An' crisp apple strudels,
Doorbells an' sleigh bells,
An' schnitzel with noodles,
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings,
These are a few of my favorite things . . .

Girls in white dresses,
With blue satin sashes,
Snow flakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes,
Silver white winters,
That melt into springs,
These are a few of my favorite things . . .

When the dog bites,
When the bee stings,
When I'm feelin' sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad . . .



Hehz... just watched The Sound Of Music on tue night. I guess it was alright... tho not exactly worth paying a hundred bucks for it. Always been such a fan of the show, catching it as a musical was pretty much worth it just for that, I guess.

Been a strange couple of days. Just been feeling a little under the weather. And like little Gretel in the show, I hum this tune to myself, then ask why I dun feel any better.

I guess the older we grow, the more we expect things... and the disappointments hit us harder everytime we find that what we want is not enough, or is out of reach.

Ah well. Have received some pretty interesting news latey about the love lives of some pple ard me... for a self-confessed kaypoh like me, I guess it does help take my mind off things.

Grins.

Man Utd just lost again last night, to Everton. 2 players sent off some more. Sigh. Could my day have been any worse??

Shit. I better not tempt fate.

Spanglish

Just reached home from watching the movie Spanglish, starring Adam Sandler and Paz Vega. Aside from the usual fare about just how good she looks, I guess there were actually a lotta other reasons why I really really liked the show. I guess at the crux of it, what really grabbed me about the movie was the loneliness of a man who found out that life seldom affords one the opportunity to pursue what one really wants, as responsibilities and past decisions inevitably weigh in on one's considerations. As I've incessantly moaned about in all my previous blogs, again this was the same recurring theme of someone who find that soulmate only when its too late, and he doesn't have the luxury of being able to seek out the happiness that he wants.

Yes, the same theme again about how in life and in love, good guys always finish last.

I guess if there was one thing I would have wanted from the movie more, it would have been that the attraction had forever remained silent, and never really voiced. The end product of voicing it out usually signals the end of even the friendship, and given how rare the chance is of finding a real friend, I'd much rather keep the friendship. But I guess to have been able to tell the one whom you truly love how you truly felt... would really have been something.

Sigh.

Why... why... why do nice guys always finish last?

Hehz... of course, I can't help but wonder if Paul still thinks of April wistfully. Cos if I were in his shoes, I'd surely wonder if I was wistful when I thought of her. I mean, I have no doubts that for the better part of it all, he's actually really happily settled down with Joz. And I really am happy for him. Just wondered if I were in his shoes, if I would have dared to ever tell April how I felt.

I mean, I would have been utterly devastated that she chose Ser Jin in the end. And I'm sure that contributed to him in the end distancing himself away from April, and eventually losing the friendship. And given just how rare is the chance of you finding someone whom you get along so well with, and understand so well, I think I'd much rather just keep the friendship.

I'm actually pretty proud of Paul in the end. If nothing else, at least I can say Joz knows what she wants when she got back with Paul. I see so many girls out there who don't even know the guy they're out with, or know why they're out with him. And having had the unique experience of being in such a relationship myself once, one big obstacle for me remains the need for the girl to know that I'm really who she wants to spend the rest of her life with.

Moral of the story - Don't get attached, Peng. The moment you do, the girl you've been searching for all your life will show up, and be available.

Grins.

Enough.

Singapore today announced that they're gonna build TWO casinos. And I don't even know what to feel about that. Or what to feel about the painful reality of the apathy of the Singaporeans. Everyone expressed disappointment and surprise, then moved on.

I'm watching Sound Of Music tomorrow. But I'm so dead broke now, I really dunno how man. Shit. I think my life really sucks now. No money, no girl, no brains... man, I'm so screwed.

Hehz...

Mebbe if I were even more brainless, I'd feel better. Cos then I won't even be aware of just how pathetic my life now is.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted and each wish resign'd.
- Alexander Pope

Brokenness

Dunno why, but I've been feeling pretty numb lately, the past few days. I dunno. I laugh a lot when I'm outside, I feel a lot of pent-up anger when I get home, and in between I just seem to have this perpetual haze that doesn't seem to go away from my head. So little nowadays makes me genuinely excited.

Been reading "A Sacred Sorrow" by Michael Card, and I've stopped reading it in cafes, simply cos its a little embarrassing when the tears just start flowing. I can't explain why also. Mebbe its just how beautifully he writes. Or mebbe its just how much I appreciate its content, and what it says about sorrow and even plain dissent towards God being a a most legitimate path to God, and indeed, a path all should go through in the journey to God. I've spent a whole lifetime in church concealing my tears, my pain and my despair, being very careful to always be the one with the ready answers and a ready smile, feeling both hypocritical and very much a failure as a christian in the process. Reading what he had to say seems to have given me some form of vindication against what everyone knows is a wrong attitude to take - that of expecting victories in Christ in almost every encounter - but still end up expecting from everyone.

Its like how he pictured it - the Christian being someone in the boxing ring against an opponent who is bigger and better. But the objective isn't to defeat the opponent, but to remain steadfast and survive the prescribed number of rounds. And I think too many times, we're too quick to make it about the victories. The cancer we want to see cured. Natural diasasters that we want to see averted. Broken relationships that we want restored to us. Broken pieces of our lives we expect to have been pieced back together, within a period we estimate to be a reasonable length of time. So when we see diasasters around us, broken relationships, godly men & women dying of SARS, we all suffer from a crisis of faith. "Where is God?", we ask. When the pieces of our lives remain broken, we start thinking ourselves as being someone who needs greater faith in God, and more discipline - for the godly christian's life ought to reflect a victorious lifestyle, not the broken and downtrodden state we imagine ourselves to be stuck in. We ought to be more determined! Purposeful! Successful!

Yet if that's really the case, that we all ought to reflect victorious lives where even if we have cancer or AIDS and nothing in our life's worth living for, we need to maintain a facade of steadfast belief that God truly cares for us, and we should not ever have moments (if not an on-going process) where we question God, or even to cry out in desair or anger at Him, then I think we're all screwed. When we hear a person down on his life, lashing out at God, we often respond like Job's friends. One week of silence as we strive to seem understanding, or even to have actually really tried. After which, we all decide to switch sides and be God's advocates, ending up ironically as the devil's advocate in the process.

I think its about the process. I don't believe anyone exists, no matter how far ahead in their spiritual walk with God, who does not at times bear a doubt towards God's loving kindness, or a grudge against God's appointed lot for his life. Mebbe that's why some of my most favorite authors and speakers are those who've been broken in their lives, and who lived to tell their story - people like Gordon MacDonald and his adultery, like Dennis Jernigan and his homosexuality. People who suddenly seem a lot more real to me than those squeaky clean and unblemished speakers everyone seems so easily attracted to. People who have a genuine brokenness in their lives that they're willing to share, that they're not ever willing to let themselves or anyone else forget. And I believe that its in those exact failures that they find the greatest grace, where they find their deepest need for God. Too many leaders in church today seem to be so well-off in almost every aspect of their lives that its so easy for the cynical to brush off their professed dependance on God as nothing more than mere rhetoric, like how Satan accused Job.

After all, Paul had the thorn in his flesh God never removed, I'm sure Job still missed his children who perished, David went through adultery, diesease and coups - his Psalms all reflect a lifetime of struggles with God, Moses must have borne the regret for all 40 years that he'll never make it into the Promised Land... the list goes on.

Was reminded of this, rather stupidly actually, in the final episode of season 6 of The West Wing, when Matt Santos reminded the Democratic Convention with the idea that those who expect their leaders to live by a higher set of moral standards than themselves are only asking to be deceived. If I can't live by a set of standards, I have no business expecting my leaders to be able to do that. And I certainly have no business having these expectations that the spiritual giants I see in the churches today are any less broken than I am, when their masks are stripped away.

Of all the people out there with the greatest respect for the major power-brokers of the church today, people like Rick Warren, Eugene Peterson, or locally, pastor Prinze, Khong Hee or even Chris Chia - how many of them actually pause to think to themselves that they're actually really ordinary like you and me, and probably have the exact same struggles as we do? Instead, do not most people subconciously tag them with having achieved a higher moral platform than the rest of us? So that even though we will readily claim that we recognize their fallen humanity as much as anyone else, we give them a lot more grace and credit than we give anyone else, and put a lot more in store by what they say, than anyone else.

And that's why we see so many christians stumbled whenever a "christian hero" is exposed to be in some scandal. You'd have thought the lesson on David and Bathsheba by now would make it abundantly clear that we should not expect our leaders to be the perpetual success we always made him out to be, but to expect them to have their inevitable weaknesses just like you and me.

Not sure where I'm going with this myself, actually. Just that having gone two-thirds into the book, I find myself with a very deep sense of frustration that everyone in church is just so full of positive thinking. Mebbe cos the whole paradigm of positive thinking has a very strong tinge of belief that life on earth should be positive, and how we should therefore learn to embrace the positiveness, and reject the negativity. And if life really isn't about staying positive that we'll be able to win the boxing match, but just about the utter despair at how impossible a task we have on hand, then embracing the despair might prove a truer path to the recognition of how much we truly need God in our lives, and so prove a much truer way towards seeing God more clearly. Everytime something along the lines of "self-motivation" and "self-empowerment" shows up within church rhetoric, I get this very faint but distinct sense of discomfort that we are just moving towards, albeit very subtly, "self-sufficiency".

Thus a cell group or fellowship that doesn’t grow is labeled “cancerous”, and we are more concerned with frowning upon it rather than with how we should help it, or the story behind its apparent failure. A congregation that isn’t doing well becomes the subject of scrutiny on “what went wrong” rather than “how should we pray for it”.

And when life is about positiveness and victories, that's when we end up cutting off those who can't ever seem to shake off that vague sense of despair, and those who don't seem to be able to manage their lives as well as our own "church celebrities". They leave cos they clearly have the feeling that they don't fit in to the expectations of the church. Thus, we end up ironically turning away those who not only seem to need God more than we do, but might actually be on a straighter path towards finding God than we are.

So cell leaders whose cells aren’t growing end up feeling like they’re failures, and oft-times questioning their own spirituality. Ministry leaders who failed to reach their targets, or who don’t seem to show the same kind of commitment we give, find themselves subtly ostracized and criticized, as we let our own frustration and disappointments get the better of us. And the people in church who have the same struggles as from 10 years ago… we just give up on them, thinking that maturity in their Christian faith means they should have moved on by now, instead of still being bogged down by that same struggle of theirs.

I'd love to see a church that can truly be broken before God, 7 days a week, instead of only during altar calls and songs of repentance. I think a church that recognizes our own brokenness - each and everyone - is the only church that can love the most unconditionally, and in turn be the most beautiful church this world has ever seen.


(And yes, I realize just how much interest and attention my 5km run has generated. I feel the love from just about EVERY person now. Sigh. The things I need to do to be a celebrity...)

Miracles DO Happen

I ran 5 friggin' kilimetres today.

Just thought that deserves to be put down. And now I've used up all my energy typing, as I suffer the after-effects of my act of folly.

Back To Teen Angst

Been having a lot of nights where I really really can't sleep. So I just gave up on trying. Been doing quite a bit of reading. Couple of really good books, that were pretty much page-turners. Can't rememeber the last time I had on my hands so many books that I was so excited to read. Reading them at home at unearthly hours turned out to be a pretty good idea in the end. Its quiet. No one disturbs you. And its always a little embarrassing to chuckle out loud one minute, then find your eyes all moist the next, all in plain sight of just about everyone else at Starbucks. So yeah. Midnight reading is cool. Grins.

First on the list came highly recommended by Henry. He couldn't stop raving about it when he first got his hands on it. And boy, it certainly didn't disappoint. Its called "The Mystery Of Marriage", by Mike Mason. Its not the kind of title I'd expect to pick up off the shelf on a hunch that it'll be a good read. Turns out it isn't the typical book describing the 7 elements that a marriage must have, and the 10 commandments of marriage that God had instituted in the bible. The author had actually put this book together from his journals, during his period of singlehood, as he contemplated how marriage is such a mystery. It was lyrical, eloquent, and one of those books that I could find things I wanted to highlight on just about every page. And I remember talking to Henry a few times about relationships, some of my thoughts and all. And he kept referring back to the book. Grins. Was pretty amazing to find that someone else out there actually had the same thoughts I did, and even put them down in print. Mebbe I ain't as lame as I always thought I just was.

Another was a book I just picked up today. "A Sacred Sorrow", by Michael Card. I've yet to find anything by Michael Card that I didn't like. This is his latest, a book about how Christians have lost the art of being broken before God, but have always chosen to set up a facade of victory and triumphalism in church. I'm only into the first 6 chapters, and basically he talks about how we many times forget to first be broken before God, but want to move on straight to the victory dance. And how by doing so, we harden the exterior but fail to curb the interior. Need to read more. But I really really love his style of writing. He seems to slip into poetry even as he writes in prose.

A thrid one is a book by F.W. Boreham. Its a book that's just made up of various articles that are basically some of his devotionals. But man, if you even wanted a Max Lucado with some real depth beyond Chicken Soup for the Christan Soul, then F.W. Boreham is the guy. His writings have a way of pricking you right at your heart. Its a great book to bring along to a retreat, and just to read it for quiet time, esp if you find that your moments before God have been really dry. I picked it up at SKS with Henry. There were two books by him, and we were so excited that we each grabbed one. Hehz...

Grins. Yes, if I try and practice more, mebbe my writing will be semi-bearable enough for someone else to hire me to write adverts for them. In the meantime, its 5 and I still can't sleep.

Oh by the way, Bishan Junction 8 will never ever feel the same again. There's a different aura that pervades a particular stretch in there. Paul and I bumped into Fiona Xie there couple of days ago. She looks really petite in real life. But still, the radiance on her face is still there. Grins. I think she was looking around, and caught me and Paul staring at her. Twice.

Muahahahahahaha....

Sigh.

But on a more serious note, these have not exactly been good days. Been feeling slightly feverish, so my body's aching. Haven't been able to sleep, so in the day my mind's awfully slow. Mood's still a little erratic, tho better now. And it seems that every corner I turn lately, I see a couple holding hands. It's almost like this is the season when God's throwing it right in my face. Sigh. Ah well. Many many more years of that to come, Peng. Unless you find a real sucker of a girl who would want you.

Shit. Come to think of it - if I put it that way, that I dun think I'm exactly the most lovable man in the world, and how it would take a sort of sucker to love me, then it kindda makes God a sucker huh?

*waits for lightning to strike me down*

Oh man... I SO need to sleep. This is really terrible.

God Bless The Pope

So the pope passed away on sunday. It was pretty much ALL over the news. Its funny how you never really have so many good things to say about anyone until they're gone. There probably have been as many tributes to him in the last 2 days as he's had in his 26 years of leadership. Prince Charles was said to have postponed his wedding for a day so he could attend the funeral. My guess is that if he hadn't postponed his wedding, his guests would have halved. Who the hell is interested in a wedding where both the groom and the bride look equally hideous? Grins.

We had our Prayer & Praise on sunday. I guess as far as we're concerned, it went off without a hitch. Tho I guess it drew a very very mixed response, with the majority of the people expecting a song session instead of a prayer session. Ah well. Der Biao suddenly decided to share his testimony about his grandma, and I for once was really taken aback to see him standing up there in front of 40 of us, weeping as he shared about his grandma. Commandoes cry!!! Hehz... Ah well. Not to make light of his situation, I guess, but his testimony reminds me that the very little things we do for people sometimes can mean just so much to them... and everytime we wanna be lazy and skip over the little gestures that show we care, it could take away the opportunity to bless someone so much. Who would have thought that he valued us going for his grandma's wake so much, and that it made such a difference to him?

I guess some people have read my previous rants and emssaged to ask me how I am... Mebbe God heard it too, cos I suddenly had a pretty good time saturday and sunday night and tonight. Saturday night at Bernice's place with her and Henry turned into a really good time of prayer. I think it was one of the very few times when I've really had a good, refreshing time of conversational prayer. I guess it really takes a group of people who've prayed together quite a bit, and who've come to know each other well enough, for conversational prayer to be natural enough to be enjoyable. Not that we've suddenly become best of friends, of course, but having worked together quite a bit on so many occasions lately, its become so much easier, at least for now, to have a good feel of what's on each other's minds. Unfortunately, its been again the classic case of The Boy, The Girl & the Big Lightbulb. I really dunno what the heck it is with me sometimes. Why am I ALWAYS unwittingly sandwiched between SO many couples????? I guess I could claim culpability in my friendships, blaming my preferences and inclinations. But when it even happens in ministry, then I really am left scratching my head.

What started as a DotA session late afternoon with Patrick soon became a really good time at night, just sharing and catching up with him. I guess its been one of the few rare occasions that we've shared a little more openly, and I've gotten to know him a little better. I think he's grown a lot since leaving ORPC. Man, do I miss having him around in church. And I don't just mean having another sugarcane to squeeze. Grins.

Met Weiqi for BS tonight, then had a couple of games wth Paul. Even as he continues to offer advice on the game, whining about how he can't possibly win, then being patronizing about it when I mentioned I was going easy on him already, I guess it was good to unwind. Its a little spastic when we walk around the neighbourhood for almost an hour, talking about DotA strategies and nothing else, but I guess sometiems spending the time together's good enough la.

Oh, met Serene AND Patrick (again) before that. They were having a drink and she messaged me, so I joined them. Yesterday I was just asking Patrick about the girls in his life that could have been but never materialised, then the very next day he asks Serene out. Hmm... Grins. Interesting.

Gonna have a few things on my plate again. I guess its time I start measuring and planning what are teh things I can afford to take up, and the things I can't. Shit. I really hate this.

PMS

So there's this postcard I stuck against the glass of my wall cabinet, with a picture of a girl whose T-shirt reads "I've got PMS. What's YOUR excuse for being a jerk?"

Dammit, I think my PMS is back. Its really wierd. Things couldn't be going any better for me than in a while. I've got a project, a job of sorts that keep me busy and earning money. Ministry is looking pretty good right now, and I've got this praise and worship thing this sunday. And tho I still suck at DotA, at least I'm still getting into the winning team on a fair number of occasions. I'm on a mission to cut my butt down by two sizes so I can look good in a suit at my sister's wedding.

With so many things all falling into place, I can't explain my sleepless nights, my tirade last night (which I'm tempted to repeat here but decided not to), and just how my mood swings are just so extreme. Doesn't take much to trigger me from very incredible high to that mental state of abject despondence.

And not to mention anger. I'm having anger moods too. Doesn't take much to trigger an anger fit nowadays, esp at my parents. And when it does happen, I only need count to three before I scratch my head, wondering why the hell did it seem so big a deal at that instant.

It can't be stress, cos I'm in no way anywhere near being that busy. Loneliness? Well I've been lonely for a long long time now, so why the crazy thing only now? Depression? Ditto. Bored? Hahahahaha... To respond in such a manner to abject boredom suggests a subconscious that probably needs therapy.

I think I shall start channelling my crazy into something better. Starting monday I'm gonna pack my room and my wardrobe. Too bad I'll be out of the house for most of teh day from tmr onwards, otherwise I'd start right now.

As it is, I have to meet CK tmr regarding his company's brochure. I need to have my mind in a state where I can do some serious and good writing. If the standard of crap I churn out tomorrow is of the same standard as this, I can bet my ass I'm getting fired.

*gulp*

Dammit. Lately I'm even afraid to sleep, for fear of the dreams that assult me. Am I a train wreck or what?

Scary thing is, I look so normal outside. No one would have been able to tell that I'm half afraid I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown already. I catch myself almost blurting out things in mid-conversation that either don't make sense, or else blurt out what my mind's really obsessing about. Feels like I'm losing control of myself.

Ugh.

God forbid.