Remember Me This Way

How time flies.

Its been almost 2 months since Simon's returned from the States, and I'll be on my way down to the airport in a while's time to pick up Syl. And yet it no way feels like its been so long.

Time and tide waits for no one indeed.

Its been a week since the Eagles Conference, with a lot of its lessons still ringing in my head. Yet tonight I've been asking myself just how much have I actually begun to apply to my life, and to change myself. And sadly, I find little that I can talk about. Still my usual routines, still my usual sins. "Breakthrough" was for me a pretty surreal word when I was a kid, something I always thought the older ones throw around like a mantra without any real effect or worth. Now increasingly I find that I'm asking of God and myself how can I seek a breakthrough in my growth. How can I start now, so that three years later when I turn back and look behind me, I can see the distance I've covered.

Everyone's slowly moving on thier lives now, it seems. Just met up with Eric 2 nights ago. He's due for training in Perth in about a week. A number of my friends are all getting married within a year from now. I realise that I'm only 4 yrs away from hitting 30 yrs old. And increasingly, I find it harder and harder to find those around me who shared my childhood. Those who remembered me from my days of youth, esp those whom I knew before I was 12.

I sat down a few nights ago and realise I hardly have anyone who can tell me anything significant about my life before I was 12. Its like I never existed back then, esp since I myself don't seem to have much of a recollection of it. And its a pretty scary thought, that no one remembers you. I don't ask for fame, or immortality. But somehow there's a profound fear of being forgotten... at least by those whom I love and care for. Drawing distant from one another is one thing. Being forgotten is a whole different thing altogether. Just as much as I don't think I'll ever forget those dear to me... their memories and our shared experiences... likewise its a scary thought that I can't think of any friend I cared for before I was 12, and who would remember the things we did together.

Mebbe that's why I love journaling so much. Setting down in ink and words where memory does not diminish and distort, but allows me to look back and remember myself, that I might not be forgotten.

Hehz...

The sleepless thoughts of a guy at 5 in the morning can be pretty warped.

So much has happened in the last few days. Yet so much that I can't bear to put down. The demons I made for myself that always returns when I least expect it, to throw all my thoughts and emotions into a turmoil all over again. Things that I thought I had put down that again bothers me. It seems that everytime I feel God speaking to me, He keeps raking up the same few things to hold me accountable for. So much so that I sometimes wonder if its really God I'm hearing, or just my own conscience.

The Bible says that where the Spirit of God is, there is freedom. How I long to one day finally be able to put all these things down once and for all, and be done with it. Yet some burdens are so attached to myself, that I dun even know how to give it up even thought I want to.

With a whole life ahead of me clouded in in uncertainty, and many the trials and pain borne over the past few years, its sometimes hard to break my habit of life, and seek to actively move on and leave the dark clouds behind.

Getting to sleep would in itself be a big step foprward, I suppose...