What Now?

Her I am, on the rare day I actually reach school really early, and am sitting down in the arts canteen, doing my quiet time. And the verse that I shared with Enhan just the other day for BS just seem to keep coming back to haunt me.

"For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad. " - 2 Cor 5:10

I'm reminded that "Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly." - James 3:1

So there I was that day reminding him that as a christian, we all have to give an account of how we've invested the talents that God gave us. With the kind of lethargy and almost indifference that he seems to display abt his spiritual life, I guess I have to admit I was partly trying to jolt him with 2 Cor 5:10. Yet now as I sit down here, I am asking myself how I measure up.

I've been a christian for just abt forever now, since I was in Pri 6. That's abt 13 yrs as a christian. I've led a total of 2 persons to Christ, and only shared with a total of less than 30 people.That's only abt 2 persons a yr that I've shared the gospel with, the bulk of that number coming from random street evangelism that I did with Campus Crusade. Take away those 3 yrs of my life, and I've shared with mebbe 3 people in 10 yrs. So much for having been compelled by the love of Christ. And scarily, as I sit down to ponder... other than faithful service to God in church and with the people inside, I really can't count too much in terms of a walk with Him that has served to let me know Him better, growing in Him, or perhaps just really being involved in Him.

I mean, I sometimes look at people like Eric and Weixiu, and I think they might just be the real thing after all. I mean, just as how I can learn so much abt Joz from Paul, or what's going on between Weimin and Enhan cos they inevitably keep mentioning their partners, and what they did together. And I know it sure ain't outta any sense of privacy that I keep my walk with God so secret. I just really don't have a lot to say. My mind hardly ever wanders to what God says to me everyday, at most the latest happenings in the unending cycle of church politics. I sit down on a bus and my thoughts drift to everything from soccer to the cars that pass by, and of course the pretty girls that I see. But never ever to verses I'm supposed to memorize, the QT I did for the morning (A BIG assumption being that I actually did QT that morning), and generally to have the discipline that tries to live each moment with the awareness that wants to please God.

Its all so abstract, its actually really scary. If my faith is really so abstract, what do I make of it? Is it actually there? Or have I really been living a lie all this while? People will say that I therefore need to change and discipline myself. But isn't that supposed to be the work of the Spirit? If I can't be saved by works, hasn't the past 13 years been proof of how one can try so hard at loving God, and yet end up hitting so far off the mark? How would trying even harder help?

They say a person who has been on the receiving end of grace knows it, and will know the importance of giving it. Perhaps I can't forgive Andrew cos I never did feel like I was on the receiving end of grace, and is unable to give it.

Or, perhaps I'm just a wuss. I great big wuss.