Life's Little Ironies

Attended the wake at Crystal's house for her mom. Its always just a little awkward at funerals cos you dunno how the person is grieving, and how the conversation shd go. I guess it can be more sombre if he or she is obviously very affected by it, but funerals are inevitably a time of reunions, and reunions are always characterized by a lot of joy at meeting up with some whose friendship we used to enjoy and cherish, but have lost touch with over the years. So when we break out in jokes and smiles, it always leaves me feeling slightly apprehensive as to whether or not we're being insensitive.

If that wasn't morose enough, Weimin and Ham have spent the last few days fighting pretty badly and nearly broke up again tonight. Both ended up coming to me, and I really didn't know what to say man. Was talking to Weixiu abt it, and she personally doesn't see her sister going anywhere with him. But sometimes she's overly pragmatic abt issues la. As much as I agree with what she said, I guess having been in a r/s myself, I can understand how inexplicably one sometimes chooses to love in spite of everything seemingly stacked against it.

Bumped into Grace today at the church staircase while I was in conversation with someone else. And I realised that what I felt was not the wistful feeling of half wondering abt what could have been, nor the strong anger I bore towards her... but there still lingers that feeling of disappointment in her, and in how it turned out. Just dunno what to make of it. So far from what Paul has been saying to me, Joz has indeed grown a lot over the past few years, and I do wonder if Grace would be a much more different person in 3 years' time. And if it were possible for us to ever get back together again. But I guess the biggest difference is that Paul has never really stopped loving Joz, but I've gotten over Grace already. Shit. So if nothing works out, I don't even have the option of getting back with my ex. Beginning to feel really screwed now. Hehz...

Been spending the last 2 weeks feeling really lonely on some days. And its not so much that I'm spending less time with Paul now. I used to feel that way a few months back also. Its almost like a cycle that has come back again. And so I look at Weimin and Ham, and I so do not want to see their r/s end. One of those moronic little sentiments that wants to tell them to cherish what they have, having had the bitter taste of realising how much I lost only after no longer having someone to call my own.

Yet everytime I come before God nowadays, I feel that the more acure my sense of loneliness, the more He wants me to stay this way. The very sure feeling I've not had in quite a while, that I'll need to wait out at least the next 2 to 3 years. And that's a really depressing thought. But its the feeling I've not had since the notion that I shd choose SAJC, which turned out to really be a right choice. I actually dare to say I recognize such a feeling, and I geuss I'm not to0 happy with it.

But ah well. I don't really see any immediate possibilities right now. Everyone keeps saying Weixiu, but something just tells me that either she's not the one, or at least not yet. So I carry on in my daily life with a certain degree of wistfulness and a keen awareness of how much I'll have to not rush into a new r/s, but learn to bide my time... and truly learn what it means to cherish my next r/s. The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. And so I longfor the day when I can rejoice, when That which was lost has been found again.