Awake at 4... (con't)

Tomorrow's my retreat.

And even as I again sit down at the computer to pen these mindless thoughts, the feeling of impotence is magnified by the fact that I can't even begin to set down in words the negativity of my thoughts. And so in this vicious circle of pessimism by which I continue to let my emotions spiral downwards, I'm being kept awake at 4 in the morning - afraid of being awake and confronted by what's ravaging my mind, and being afraid of sleep and what will inevitably ravage my dreams.

What's so bad about a failed relationship and a failed degree, that it should be able to thus wreck my sanity and wholeness of being? Didn't it use to be about doing my QT, memorizing scriptures and generally being a good christian? Didn't it always use to be about loving people, being nice and humble, and serving others, looking out for their good cos if you serve the least of them, you are serving Christ? Why is all that not enough anymore?

Right now, I'd have traded all of that in exchange for a successful relationship and a degree.

Damned if I did that, and damned if I didn't.

If only God had taken me back at 18. Before I was expected to start living out my potential, and let the weight of expectations get to me. Before the world realized just how truly pathetic I actually am inside. Before anyone, and especially myself, could truly see who I am and the lie I've lived all my life. Who am I kidding with a facade of someone who's doing ok in life? What kind of business do I have going around talking to people, trying to help them out, and even remotely sounding like I am in any position to be of any help to anyone? Of the many who died in the tsunami, couldn't God have traded anyone else there for me instead? So that one more man with integrity and something to show for in life could have lived, and by taking his place I would have at least done one useful thing in my life.

Ironic that I shd be the one whom everyone in church envies, for being able to chuckle at life, and to deal so well with the many 'sad things' that have happened to me. It almost feels like a show sometimes. I put up a good act, and in turn people buy it and love me. I hardly know if those who love me know the real me. I hardly know the real me anymore, in fact. Is this really the sad act that I've become, or has this been me all along?

I guess Grace made the right choice to dump me after all. And I guess MOE did the right thing to terminate my contract. I'm just waiting for the day the church also wisens up and removes me from ministry. And finally the day I wake up, and have the balls to decide that I ought to do the world a favour and just kill myself.

In the meantime, I guess the show must go on...

Sad Clown
Say, how’s the weather?
So I look out the window to brighten my soul
But I can’t control the rain that keeps falling
Smile on the outside – never comes in
Comedy, mystery, irony, tragedy
So I scream let the show begin

You break me open
Turn on the lights,
Stumble inside with me

Do I entertain you?
Do I preoccupy you with my wit
To cover this lie, are you mesmerized
Do you think me faithful?
Do you think me a clown?
I picked out this shirt, put on this hat
Wore all this paint just for you

Much Afraid
Empty again, sunken down so far

So scared to fall, might not get up again
So I lay at Your feet all my brokenness
I carry all of my burdens to You

All of these things held up in vain
No reason no rhyme, just the scars that remain
All of these things – I’m so much afraid

Scared out of my mind by the demons I’ve made
Sweet Jesus You’ll never ever let me go

So happy to love
Yet so far to go
You lead me on
To where I’ve never been before