Goal 2010

Its official. I really really suck in my studies, and my lack of academic aptitude has been proven by 4.5 yrs of abject failure. Yes, I failed my semester yet again. And so even as I start of the New Yr on a note of optimism in my last post, I am again reminded of the brutal truth that whatever starts off in my mind inevitably stays in my mind. No way does my status quo in real life change simply because of a change in paradigm or perspective. So now I aim for Goal 2010 - the date I am gonna graduate by.

Its been a really tiring day, but one in which I have strangely enjoyed mself.

Started the morning by going up to the vice-dean only to hear her confirm my death sentence in NUS. So I will now probably be quitting the school, go work for a while before re-applying for NUS. Then I had lunch with Sylvia, and went to SKS with her. We talked a lot, about the options open to me, and about her and Johann. And yes, the topic of Grace again cropped up. Hard not to, since she was shopping for books on BGR, and she was talking abt her r/s with Johann, where she persists in living in that peculiar state of denial about. She keeps claiming that she feels its wrong so they shd not be together, but yet they just about engage in all the activities that a boy and a girl engage in if they were dating each other. Save the making out, of course. Grins.

Then settled down for dinner with Baoyu, Desmond, Daoxing, Weibin, Simon and Weixiu. I guess somehow we've all roughly known each other for at least 10 yrs... a really scary thought at how far we've each come. Scarier was the thought at how everyone seems to have moved on to another phase of life, while I still remain entrenched in my state of perpetual under-achievement. Still, self-pity aside, it was a really really great night of very open sharing towards our struggles in love and life. Desmond was sharing about his non-christian jap girlfriend, Weixiu was sharing about her resignation towards the prospects of singlehood as well as the over-commitments she has made towards ministry. Simon was sharing about his exchange to San Diego... the fears and worries he has over his r/s with Charlotte, his discipline while over there, and also his family. Daoxing was sharing about the same kind of directionlessness that I could absolutely empathize with. Weibin surprised me by opening up a lot about his family problems, and the tension that existedin his family because of his parents' estrangement, and how his father's leaving the church and God was such a blow to him.

Baoyu shared much about her struggles in the corporate ladder, and what a tough job it is to mainatin even a shred of christian integrity in the workplace. Her problem is that her integrity is apparently so unquestioned that she 2 of her senior directors confided in her at the same time about their plans to sell each other out. Hahahahaha... as much as I could see the humour and irony of the situation, it was plainly evident that it was a really painful incident to find herself in. Its certainly raised my respect towards Baoyu yet again. She may not be the most flexible and savvy person to work with in ministry, nor someone whom you turn to for charismatic leadership, but at least no one can ever dare to accuse her of not having tried her best, at living out a life where her actions in both the workplace as well as in church are congruent with what she professes. Turned out to be a really sober lesson on how there's so much more on life that I have yet to experience and face up to.

As for me, as I again step back into square one after 5 yrs of wandering in the wilderness, I hope that I will have finally learnt my lesson, and picked up the broken pieces of my life.

If Only

If all we lost somehow came back
If all that died again would grow
If only it was so
These are the loneliest words I know

If all our dreams were golden
And never black or grey
If all our dreams came true
Then we'd never have to say

If only it was so
These are the loneliest words I know

If all our dreams were golden
And never black or grey
If all our dreams came true
Then we'd never have to say

If only it was so
These are the loneliest words I know
These are the loneliest words I know