My First Ramble for the New Year!

Not too long ago, I was having a sort of conversation with someone in church, trying to get him/her to serve in a capacity that would require that person to be on stage.

I never expected the reply to be so familiar, since invariably the excuses I’m used to are usually the alleged lack of time or talent. Yet this person told me, “Its very stressful to be up there, where I feel that everyone is looking at me and listening to me. I have to try and practice so hard before I go up, that I get so stressed up over the whole business.”

Its familiar sounding because I realize that unknowingly, I have been leading worship for close to 9 years now, if not more. And the greatest resentment I had towards the church and towards my having to serve in that capacity, had to do with the fact that I felt very “judged”.

Worship is supposed to be about playing to an audience of One. It should never have been about me, my musicians, or about the quality of our music. Of course, if what we say is theologically wrong, or we have stumbled others by our words, then we should rightly be censured. However, I felt keenly the fact that people were more concerned with the quality of my “performance”, instead of focusing on the authenticity of my worship.

I would worry about singing off-pitch. I would be worried that people could not stand my broken Chinese. I would worry that my prayers and sharing sounded immature. I would worry that I had picked the wrong response song and people would be thinking how stupid I was to not pick a more appropriate one. I had so many worries, and it would make me literally sick to the stomach. People didn’t realize how much I appreciated the wooden pulpit in the chapel, since it hid my violently trembling legs every time I was on stage. I was terrified on every Sunday that I had to lead worship, and I resented that greatly. (And that’s not considering the previous trauma of having to PLAY for service!)

Today, I still struggle with the same things. Its still very hard for me to be on stage. Very few people realize how much I detest the experience, since I apparently wear a very convincing mask whenever I’m up there, but even after more than 9 years, having to be up there wearies me greatly.

I used to simply chalk it down to the fact that I’m actually a very fiercely introverted creature. Every single personality test I’ve taken can attest to it. And so I found it very natural that I would shun the stage. Yet after my conversation the other day, I suddenly wondered if my loathing towards the stage could also be a product of the culture that the church has.

If we had a culture of focusing more on what builds a person up instead of merely what is apparently “the right way”, if we had a lesser fixation on “excellence” and a greater emphasis on encouragement, if we placed building up a person on a higher priority than mere cosmetic achievements, MAYBE… maybe… maybe more people would have been willing to step up in church and serve, and maybe I would have been more comfortable on stage than I now am.

Being at Fort Canning, we now have a chance to break that mould. Old habits die hard, but I’m beginning to see a lot of encouraging signs that we’re moving in the right direction. But its so easy to stumble and lose our way at any time, once we get lost in the process and forget about the end-goal. So I guess that’s my prayer request for this year, for the church.

I pray that we’ll always always always love the people of God, more than we love the programs and agendas that we have in church. And so I will need to pray for our leaders, that they can keep a clear head, and focus on what’s of true significance.



P.S., I’m happy to say that the conversation had a happy ending. The person I was speaking to messaged me the other day, accepting the offer to serve on stage. The message said “I can only offer up my time to prepare, and leave all else to Him.”

I could not have summed it up better myself.