Seeing Rather Dimly

WOW.

Its been so long since I’ve been back. Yet, with all that’s been going on around me, I’ve felt compelled to once again return to this haven and pen my thoughts, in the hope that it might help me to better sort out the conflicting thoughts that have been circling in my mind.

Ever since the IDMC conference, I’ve once again felt something in my heart that I feared had died a long time ago – a burden for the church. Sure, I still serve in ministry, and do my fair bit like most in church… but its been so long since I would feel a pain that eats at me when I see how much the church is under-achieving, and the way with which it seems doomed to perpetually live in the shadow of its history, never learning from the mistakes of the past.

Yes – the church in so many ways, reminds me of myself.

Maybe it’s a mixture of the IDMC conference and the “power” of Edmund Chan, as well as the fact that I seem to once more be taking more pro-active steps to finally get my life back in order (for the 6261365213623765th time, it needs to be pointed out), but looking at the condition of my church today, what had become just a numbed acceptance of the situation has slowly been replaced once again by a deep sorrow and inner lament.

Each altar that we’ve built as a congregation to remind us of the milestones that God had led us through, now serves as a reminder of the mockery we’ve made of His grace and providence. Like the Israelites that wandered in the desert for 40 years, never seeming to come to grips with the mighty God who showed such patience with them, they lived in the shadows of their mistakes until they all passed away in the wilderness.

I wonder – is that also going to be our fate, doomed to never reach the promised land? Maybe our job is really to let the next generation find us faithful, leaving behind a legacy for them that outlives every one of us who started out on this journey. Or perhaps that’s just my faithlessness once again rearing its ugly head.

I look at my Life Group, made up of really nice people, whose relationship with each other resembles a classroom of friends more than that of a community that’s focused on impacting lives for Christ. I look at the whole church that seems more intent on infrastructures and what Edmund Chan calls “superstructures” (outward appearances of accomplishments), than on building the inner lives of its members. I look at my own powerless and lifeless existence, and ask myself who do I think I am, that I should be even saying such things. Yet there is such an overwhelming emotion welling up inside of me, that all of this is WRONG.

Everyone tells me that the grass inevitably looks greener on the other side, and that as long as we dig deep into the “success stories” of other churches, we’ll always find the same banal humanity that lives in our church. “Its really not that different, you’ll see”, they tell me. And I understand what they’re saying. As long as the church is made up of creatures who live a life of “total depravity”, things will never be perfect in a church. But to hide behind the excuse of the imperfection of man, and to therefore cease the fighting the good fight, that’s not a solution either. Why should we be afraid of examining the shortfalls of our church, and learn from the principles of other churches who are strong in those areas?

Part of the confusion stems from the fact that the “sheep” can’t seem to be able to make up their minds about the state and condition of their spiritual lives, and the condition of the church. Its as if a veil has been placed over their eyes, that they see rather dimly. We seem unable to differentiate between what is really apathy towards the condition that is plaguing our church, and showing grace towards the limitations of the church. So when we should speak up in order to change things for the better, we withhold whatever sounds like criticism, and allow the status quo to continue.

So we deceive ourselves into a comfortable rhythm of a life that requires no sacrifice nor commitment from our church, in exchange for the promise that they in turn will demand nothing from us. Even those in leadership positions are not spared. We cannot distinguish between empathy for the pastors, and what genuine support for them should look like, and the general apathy that keeps us from genuine change. Instead of sacrificing our own time and effort on lasting change, we also do what we accuse our pastors of doing – we fight fires. We spend our time fighting the fires in ministry, instead of sitting down with our pastors and working through with them the causes of these fires.

Maybe its because that hat would take too much effort, and we feel we lack the wisdom to start. Maybe its because we're too hurt to care for our pastors, or to even care. Maybe its because we feel its a hopeless fight, and we should either move to another church like so many have done, or just stay and "do the best we can" with the present system.

I’m praying that this would change. I ask myself if I should do anything, since I seem to be the one who sees the problem. But I come up against the same excuse as all those who have walked this path before me – I don’t think anyone would listen, and I really have no idea where to start and what to do.

Lord, give me wisdom and help me to see how I can start. Show me how to pray for the church, and what I can start doing.