Demons In the Closet

As my world suddenly shrinks into a very small confinement, there is a palpable sense of relief that the demons I've been battling for so long have finally come out, that I can finally shed the burden of having led a double life for so long. There is also the equally palpable sense that my world has shrunk significantly, and soon enough will shrink into the size of a cell.

Nonetheless, in the midst of this time of crisis, where I am forced to confront the reality that my safe haven, that make-believe world which I had retreated to for escape - I have to face up to the fact that this fantasy world has had real-world consequences. Not only have I betrayed the love of all those around me, I also have all the time in the world to now indulge in self-loathing and despair. 

Its been such a whirlwind couple of weeks, as everything had to grind to a sudden halt. I've been forced to face up to the fact that I really need help to re-look at what is real and what is not. For example, in one of the few conversations I've had with a friend recently, I was amazed to realise that it really isn't normal to spend all day having suicidal thoughts. I've had them for over 12 years, and always thought it was the most normal thing to do. After all, do people not really live in constant pain as I do? Do people really feel that life is worth living? Are they not simply doing what I do, putting up a show everyday for the sake of those around us?

Some people have been quick to point out to me that the world hasn't ended. That this will pass. They profess a commitment to stick by me. They remind me to repent and seek God. And I am left with no words to say. Not because I am overwhelmed by their posture of concern for me. Conversely, I don't know how to react to such grace with gratitude while telling them that they have no clue what I'm going through. 

What I did was vile. It was fully deserving of what I have now coming to me. For what I did, I paid the price of a life ruined. For all the lost years I sought to redeem, I find myself even further behind the starting line now. And I will have plenty left to answer for, and plenty more to pay when sentencing comes. And so the reality is, trivialising what has happened by saying it shall pass actually sounds deeply offensive to me. My world deserves to end, and so does my life. If it doesn't, that just shows that God is not done punishing and toying with me yet. 

Which brings me to my second point. My wife asks me how I could summon up the nerve to rail at God when I invited all this upon myself. Well, the point is, He could have stopped me from doing all this. The same way He could have prevented any of the victims from being inflicted with this offence. In the days since this has happened, I find myself struggling to answer questions. 

The most commonly asked is "Why did you do such a thing? Didn't you consider the people you would hurt?" And the honest truth is, what I did was borne out of emotion, rather than thought. To say that I was not in control of myself when I did it sounds like an easy escape for me, as though I am shirking responsibility. So I find myself trapped and unable to answer without sounding like a dick. But in all my reflections, I am confronted with the scary thought that in the same way an alcoholic could not control himself, I doubt I could have stopped myself even if I had "stopped to think". On hindsight, if I had sought therapy earlier to deal with the pain and self-defeating demons in my head, that could have prevented all this from happening. But hindsight is always too late.

So at the end of the day, I conclude that I have no one but myself to blame. It was my actions that hurt and damaged the lives of so many that cared for me and whom I cared for. Even if they shut me out of their lives, I would not be able to shut the self loathing out of my head. So on top of the demons that still battle everyday in my head, a new one has joined the fray.

So remind me again - how will things get better? How has life become much more worth living?

Someone said I need to be strong and brave - face life and move on. I find myself thinking in my head... perhaps it is cowardice that is preventing me from taking my life. One day if I ever find the courage that I have been encouraged to find, then maybe tomorrow will stop coming, and the pain will cease.

Maybe.