Therapy Chronicles 2

Secondary School/Junior College 
These were some of the most formative years of my life. When I was in secondary school, my whole life revolved around church. I hardly had a single good friend in school, and I would devote all of my time outside of school towards the church. Literally, 6 days a week would be devoted to church and bible. I attended evening classes at Singapore Bible College, I would serve in fellowship and prayer meetings, and also help out in camp committees. In short, I was pretty much the model youth that attended church.

I used to tell my fellowship peeps that school would no longer be around after 4 years, and friends would move on. Only church peeps are here to stay. And so, I would urge them to make church the anchor of their lives. Looking back, I was only half right. Truth is, even church peeps are not here to stay.

In Junior College, I started to experience a change. I began to sense that I was better able to connect with the friends in JC, as compared to my own fellowship. It seemed natural, of course, since we would see each other 5 days a week in school, but fellowship members saw each other a lot less than that. However, it was more than that. It seemed that at school, we were genuinely interested in how each other was doing, whereas in church it always felt like everyone was just waiting to get back to their “real” lives after the weekend.

Ironically, Junior College was also the time of my greatest spiritual growth. Despite feeling on my own in church, I never felt closer to God, and felt like I was growing the most. I had a good bible study teacher in school, and I also was part of the largest scale church camp I had ever experienced, with spectacular lessons on the faithfulness of God. I felt this was the foundation that I could base the rest of my life upon, that God was truly the anchor to my life. I felt so sure that I had made the wise decision, and that there was no way God would ever let me down. 

National Service/Dating/NUS 
If Junior College was the pinnacle of my life thus far, National Service plummeted me to the depths of my despair. The irregular hours I had to keep for 2.5 years meant that I was basically stripped of my church life, other than as someone who attended church whenever I was able to. Church friends also drew even more distant, and a giant gap opened up in my life.

Into this void, came Grace. She was the girl I had always dreamt of being with. Mature for her age, loves God, and we were able to converse and understand what each other was saying like no one else could. We very easily struck up conversations, and got very close. Very quickly I decided that she was the one for me, and we started dating. I made her the centre of my life, since church was no longer viable for me.

Of course, there were so many things that I felt uncomfortable about in our relationships. She was very distant from her family, whereas I grew up in a family that was strongly bonded. She had a much more cavalier attitude towards friends, whereas I was more concerned about how everyone was doing. And naturally, I could feel that I loved her a lot more than she loved me. However, I chalked that up to a maturity thing. I was young, and thought love could conquer it all. As long as we stayed resolute in our love, some things are only a matter of growing up. I never once realised how foolish I was, until many years later, after things had ended between us.

There was once when I had gone on holiday, only to have everyone tell me that they saw her holding hands with another guy while I was away. I asked her about it, and she admitted as much. Of course, she insisted that it was strictly platonic, a brother-sister behaviour. On my part, I told her and myself that it wasn’t my place to suspect her. As a boyfriend, my job is to believe her, and to give her my absolute trust. As a girlfriend, it was her job to keep that trust and not betray it. Anything less than that, and we are just building wall after wall in our relationship. Looking back, I still think that was the right approach. If there was any foolishness in my approach, it was merely in the fact that she was undeserving of my trust.

We broke up in university, and all hell broke loose after that. Andrew, whom I always considered my mentor and friend, had obviously taken her side. He deliberately humiliated me in front of Grace’s fellowship, and took a very high handed approach towards me. Grace also treaded the same paths as before, having gotten very close to another guy. This time round it was Andrew. I remember in my “breakup letter” to her, I told her that she was going to break up his marriage one day and end up with him. I only hope he doesn’t hurt her the way she hurt me.

Towards almost everyone else, I hid the facts of what happened, as I felt obliged to protect her. Nobody knew the abuse that Andrew directed at me on her account, and nobody knew the real reason why she broke up with me (she literally told me she felt she got attached too young, and felt she deserved to explore more instead of settling down with me). Subsequently, I heard from many people that they were spreading pretty vicious rumours about me, that I had been sexually abusive towards Grace. I decided to adopt a dignified silence, and not speak about the matter, believing that one day the truth will out.

Of course, on my own part, I silently wondered who would care enough about me to ask what happened. Out of the list of friends whom I thought would talk to me, less than half actually did. To everyone else, it seemed like they would prefer to stay out of the whole sordid affair, like I was just as much an outsider as someone they would read about in the news. Once again, I became painfully aware that the commitment I had given to those around me were mostly unrequited. I was still the social outcast in church, and people only approached me because everyone else did. And why would everyone else do that? Because I was so approachable, and always good for a favour. 

Summary 
I think these 10 years were the most formative years for my life, and set the stage for my big fall later in life. I had painstakingly built up two pillars in my life – church and relationship. Both these pillars crashed and burned before my very eyes through the betrayal of 2 individuals who embodied the very essence of my pillars. Grace was the love of my life, and Andrew was the paramount example of a Christian in church. I watched as my own life collapsed around me, while they continued to live happy and successful lives. Nobody around me seemed to really understand what was happening. They simply urged me to move on, as if it was my own design to continue wallowing in my despair.

I desperately searched for a replacement pillar in my life. I started to work, and realised that without a degree I was getting nowhere. For many years, I did not dare to return to school, because it was the scene of one of my spectacular failures. In the midst of all this, I discovered Sammyboy, and I also created an alternate reality for myself. I found escape in creating another individual who did not carry the heavy burdens of failure, betrayal and abandonment. When I immersed in that universe, I suddenly became a different person, almost like a split personality. I no longer was alone. I was in a community where I could get recognition, and was not 20 steps behind my peers.

And so began my journey into my nightmare.

Therapy Chronicles 1

8 months into what has happened, my therapy/counselling sessions have finally settled into a pattern. I have decided to chronicle some of the more salient contents here, so as to better crystalize my thoughts, and to help me examine my thoughts better.

Therapy Decisions

I started out at IMH with both a psychologist as well as a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist was mainly recommended in order to expedite any future forensic examination that the court may order, whereas the psychologist was the recommended treatment by IMH. After 3 session with the psychiatrist, I realised that I was getting nowhere. The first shrink who saw me candidly told me that she saw no point in my seeing her, as I am in no need of meds.

After the second session, she left and turfed me off to another shrink, who proceeded to start from scratch again, asking me the type of questions that the IMH A&E assessor asked when I first checked myself in. I thus decided to forgo the psychiatrist, and just stick to the psychologist. I also was simultaneously attending marital counselling at Fei Yue with my wife, and we have settled on a regular routine.

Therapy Sharings

Some of the most prominent topics that were discussed had to do with expectations and ideals, and how I am constantly tormented by the high “standards” I seemingly set for those around me, as well as for myself. Of course, another prominent one was my decision to make a clean break from my church.

Of the pressures that drove me into my deviant behaviour, one of the most obvious causes are the disappointments in my life. My self-expectations and how far I fell short. The expectations of those around me and the frustrations and loneliness I felt at their seeming failures to measure up. My expectations of the church community, and how disillusioned I feel at their apathy. My psychologist (Padma) asked if I should consider lowering those expectations.

My “final answer” for Padma was that I don’t believe in lowering my expectations. After all, we are supposed to look to Jesus as our example, are we not? So what’s wrong with setting ideals which “only Jesus could live up to? I believe the crux of the matter lies not in setting out-of-reach expectations, as I am not naïve enough to expect anyone to actually attain those standards. I myself, am faaaaaaaaar from that bar. Instead, I honestly feel that the reason for my disillusionment are twofold:

• I am disappointed at how so many people remain just as far from the expectations after so many years. I myself am constantly further and further away from what I set out to become, and the many relationships in my life are as superficial and distant as they have always been. Some even more so.

• I am horrified at how many people around me see nothing wrong with the way they live. They see their relationships as vibrant instead of superficial. They relish the reciprocal pats on each other’s’ backs. They see the many church activities as nourishing and uplifting instead of being a drain on the emotion and resources. Of course, I sound incredibly blind to the wretched state of my own life, and unbelievably proud and self-centred to criticize others. Maybe it helps to say that I hold myself in contempt as well?
  
  
  
  Maybe I sound very proud to proclaim that I see the hollowness of so many, when my own life seems more messed up than those I am criticizing. But the fact is, while I don’t deny the misery of my own existence, it shouldn’t automatically disqualify the opinions that I have. If one were to empirically hold up my critique for scrutiny, I strongly believe that my position is very much defensible.
  
  
  The irony is that people are more interested in brushing off my opinion as arrogant and even childish, thus further justifying my own view that they much prefer patting each other on their backs, and feeling secure in their cocoons. 

I shared with Padma that my isolation from the whole church community has proved that I am right to cut off ties with them. After all, what I did was not a minor misdemeanour. It was a major transgression. “Too busy because of stuff that happened in church” is as lame an excuse as there could ever be. I have only ever been seeking someone to ponder alongside me, the questions that I have. Yet hardly anyone has bothered to reach out. Instead, the strategy to soothe their own conscience is to let me know that they are “praying for me”.

In other words, remote concern. Very sincere indeed.

The silence from the church’s side proves that I am not the only one who has decided to cut ties. But I still face pressure and a tacit disapproval from those around me for my decision, as they remain unable to accept my perspective. What makes it such a standoff, of course, is because nobody is willing to engage me to ponder the issue. They simply listened to what I had to say, and effectively end the conversation with a passive disapproval. They think I am looking for an argument, and failed to see that I am only looking to engage someone else in thinking through my thoughts.

The demons in my head actually sing the same few tunes as they have always been singing. Next up, I will try to document the journey of my life so far, attempting to trace the paths I had taken. To pick out the major milestones and decisions I made in my life that drove me deeper and deeper into this path of madness and despair.