Therapy Chronicles 1

8 months into what has happened, my therapy/counselling sessions have finally settled into a pattern. I have decided to chronicle some of the more salient contents here, so as to better crystalize my thoughts, and to help me examine my thoughts better.

Therapy Decisions

I started out at IMH with both a psychologist as well as a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist was mainly recommended in order to expedite any future forensic examination that the court may order, whereas the psychologist was the recommended treatment by IMH. After 3 session with the psychiatrist, I realised that I was getting nowhere. The first shrink who saw me candidly told me that she saw no point in my seeing her, as I am in no need of meds.

After the second session, she left and turfed me off to another shrink, who proceeded to start from scratch again, asking me the type of questions that the IMH A&E assessor asked when I first checked myself in. I thus decided to forgo the psychiatrist, and just stick to the psychologist. I also was simultaneously attending marital counselling at Fei Yue with my wife, and we have settled on a regular routine.

Therapy Sharings

Some of the most prominent topics that were discussed had to do with expectations and ideals, and how I am constantly tormented by the high “standards” I seemingly set for those around me, as well as for myself. Of course, another prominent one was my decision to make a clean break from my church.

Of the pressures that drove me into my deviant behaviour, one of the most obvious causes are the disappointments in my life. My self-expectations and how far I fell short. The expectations of those around me and the frustrations and loneliness I felt at their seeming failures to measure up. My expectations of the church community, and how disillusioned I feel at their apathy. My psychologist (Padma) asked if I should consider lowering those expectations.

My “final answer” for Padma was that I don’t believe in lowering my expectations. After all, we are supposed to look to Jesus as our example, are we not? So what’s wrong with setting ideals which “only Jesus could live up to? I believe the crux of the matter lies not in setting out-of-reach expectations, as I am not naïve enough to expect anyone to actually attain those standards. I myself, am faaaaaaaaar from that bar. Instead, I honestly feel that the reason for my disillusionment are twofold:

• I am disappointed at how so many people remain just as far from the expectations after so many years. I myself am constantly further and further away from what I set out to become, and the many relationships in my life are as superficial and distant as they have always been. Some even more so.

• I am horrified at how many people around me see nothing wrong with the way they live. They see their relationships as vibrant instead of superficial. They relish the reciprocal pats on each other’s’ backs. They see the many church activities as nourishing and uplifting instead of being a drain on the emotion and resources. Of course, I sound incredibly blind to the wretched state of my own life, and unbelievably proud and self-centred to criticize others. Maybe it helps to say that I hold myself in contempt as well?
  
  
  
  Maybe I sound very proud to proclaim that I see the hollowness of so many, when my own life seems more messed up than those I am criticizing. But the fact is, while I don’t deny the misery of my own existence, it shouldn’t automatically disqualify the opinions that I have. If one were to empirically hold up my critique for scrutiny, I strongly believe that my position is very much defensible.
  
  
  The irony is that people are more interested in brushing off my opinion as arrogant and even childish, thus further justifying my own view that they much prefer patting each other on their backs, and feeling secure in their cocoons. 

I shared with Padma that my isolation from the whole church community has proved that I am right to cut off ties with them. After all, what I did was not a minor misdemeanour. It was a major transgression. “Too busy because of stuff that happened in church” is as lame an excuse as there could ever be. I have only ever been seeking someone to ponder alongside me, the questions that I have. Yet hardly anyone has bothered to reach out. Instead, the strategy to soothe their own conscience is to let me know that they are “praying for me”.

In other words, remote concern. Very sincere indeed.

The silence from the church’s side proves that I am not the only one who has decided to cut ties. But I still face pressure and a tacit disapproval from those around me for my decision, as they remain unable to accept my perspective. What makes it such a standoff, of course, is because nobody is willing to engage me to ponder the issue. They simply listened to what I had to say, and effectively end the conversation with a passive disapproval. They think I am looking for an argument, and failed to see that I am only looking to engage someone else in thinking through my thoughts.

The demons in my head actually sing the same few tunes as they have always been singing. Next up, I will try to document the journey of my life so far, attempting to trace the paths I had taken. To pick out the major milestones and decisions I made in my life that drove me deeper and deeper into this path of madness and despair.