Updates

So much time has passed since my last post, I feel I needed to record down some milestones. I guess I could blame the silence on my injured wrist ligament which indeed made it harder to type, but if I was perfectly honest, I started to be a little scared to post something else. I didn’t want to let my own words trap me into a vicious cycle of self-pity. Its one thing to have such thoughts floating around in my tormented mind, but its another to see it immortalised in words on the screen, and screaming at me louder than when inside my head.

But these recent markers deserve a mention, as they each provoked some reaction in me, be it big or small.

1.      I started work.

This should have been a good thing after 9 months without a job. But it has actually put me under tremendous stress.

I worry about what to tell my colleagues when I am sentenced, and thereafter must return to work.

I worry at the timing of my being called up to the station, and if I will have messed up the work planning for everyone… and so soon after just joining!

I worry if I will be able to adapt to the new work, which is significantly different from what I’ve ever done.

I worry that working means I’m outside more often… which means I’m more likely to bump into familiar faces. I laugh at myself whenever I look back at each time I’m outside, because I am comically worried about bumping into familiar faces. The level of shame, embarrassment, even anger that I fear would come uncontrollably out of me, is unreasonable even by my standards. But I must confess that its very much there.

2.      Injured my ligament.

My left wrist has been in a really ugly blue splint for the past 2 months, and the slightly worrying thing is that it doesn’t seem to be getting better. It still hurts like hell when I exert it slightly more, and I can feel my whole arm getting visibly weaker from the inactivity.

Perhaps my left arm is a very apt symbol of my life right now. Its hurting, it can’t do much, and there doesn’t seem to be a recovery anywhere in sight.

3.      Padma has put me on open date.

To my surprise, my IMH therapist went 180 degrees on me. After weeks of repeatedly telling me that the session with her are a long-haul thing, and urging me to persist, she suddenly told me she wants to put me on an open date appointment, meaning I should stop seeing her until I feel I need to.

Invariably, the reflex of feeling abandoned surfaces. But at a deeper level, I again find myself asking… so is there really anything wrong with me? I find myself paralyzed by my condition, and unable to move on from so many failures: Church, school, Grace, Sammyboy… I find myself struggling to overcome those profound periods of sadness that washes over me in the dead of night when I’m alone by myself and  can truly be myself. And yet everyone is quick to assure me that I’m not depressed, and there’s nothing wrong with me.

SO IF THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME, WHY AM I FEELING THIS WAY? AM I JUST A SELF CENTRED DRAMA QUEEN WHO SHOULD SHUT UP AND STOP FEELING I DESERVE ANY PITY, OR ANY CONSIDERATION AT ALL?

4.     Grace and Andrew got married!!

Surprisingly, this has affected me much less than I expected. After all that rubbish I keep spouting about how much they have played a part in destroying me as a person, their wedding came and went without much of the expected turmoil.

If anything, it seemed to simply afford me a full closure, that this long awaited marriage of theirs has finally rubber stamped the things I’ve always said about them, which many has always refused to believe.

5.      I was asked for my deacon resignation letter.

Caleb texted me to ask me for my resignation letter. So after the one time we met up at his office, there has been no communication at all. No surprise that when he finally gets in touch, its to tell me he needs my resignation letter.

Its really hard to believe when anyone tries to tell me that people are still concerned about me. Because I’ve seen what concern looks like – from the non-Christian friends that I have. The ones who don’t make me feel judged, the ones who made it clear they still accepted me as a friend despite what I did. The ones who evidently have more free time than church goers (who obviously spend a lot of time worshipping God), and who therefore can take time out to check in on me.

This episode was actually more painful than it seems at first glance. The brutal excommunication I have been subject to was again highlighted for me. And asking for my resignation was therefore the ultimate act of adding salt to injury. Since they already treated me as if I was dead, why bother asking for a letter? Do they ask for resignations from elders who passed away? Sheesh...

6.      Spoke to the lawyer’s again cos things might be coming to a head.

This was the most dramatic episode. At one of my bail extensions, the police officer evidently wanted to be prick, and picked on me. One unexpected result was that they seemed to have given away something about my case, since they hinted that the investigations might be ending soon.

So I decided to meet my lawyers again for an update. This prompted a short but intense exchange between me and my wife, which demonstrated how much tension continues to simmer beneath the seeming still waters of our lives now.

So even though I should be glad that things seem to finally be ready to move on, there’s the inevitable dread. Is it 3 months? 6 months? 9 months? The internal monologue again goes into overdrive, where I debate the dilemma of wanting to be sentenced so that “justice is done”, and feeling that the sentences meted out for such crimes is relatively harsh. For example, you could physically assault a lady, leaving her bloodied, and walk away with a monetary fine. #DawnHo

7.      Edmund’s father passed away.

The news came as a shock, since it was rather unexpected. Well, yes and no.

I guess what made it significant was that we wanted to skip the crowd yet still be there for Edmund. So we went to the wake in the afternoon. But we failed to skip out in time, and ended up bumping into Hongli and Ruyan. Sigh.

Made some small talk where they tried to show concern for my arm. I mumbled some answers then decided to leave. Which I guess was a relief to them. What made it doubly ironic was how Hongli decided to grab me to give me a hug.

He was always one for the showy gestures. I mean, I would like to give him the benefit of the doubt and not be douchebag. But if he can ask to meet me once, bail on me and never contact me again after that, then the hug he gave me was just about the biggest irony that I have ever encountered.

Yups. Good to get all that out. Now time to sleep, as I have a paper to study for.