Just watched SERENDIPITY, starring Kate Beckinsale and Edward Norton.

Man, I feel so lame. Its times like this that I hate myself for watching romance shows. I fear I indulge myself in such notions of romance, that there are actually instances where it is wise to throw away your life on a gamble, and a whim, that somewhere out there, there could be someone with whom you truly belong - enough to dismiss whatever else your head may say... and turn out to be right!

There are times when I actually DO feel that way, then I find that I despise myself for rejecting the idea that such a love could exist - where two people just know that they are meant for each other. How do you feel that? Can you ever feel that?

Where do you draw the line between a God-directed choice where you seek God in earnest prayer for the one whom you're finding to spend the rest of your life with, and that gut feel you have in your stomach that this one is truly special - someone whom you know you want to spend the rest of your life with?

I can be such a helpless romantic at times... but like they say - feelings no feed the stomach. So I'm forced to be a pragmatist. No marriage till I have a secure job and money, that it is a futile and foolish search for love when I have yet to establish myself and my career. That all has a certain ring of wisdom and truth to it... but is that the whole truth? Is there no room for someone who is willing to spend the rest of my life with me, come weal or woe? The cynics mock me for my naievity, and there are times -too many times, when I concur with what they say. Yet, there remains a part of me that still clings to that small glimmer of hope that out there, there is someone who is willing to share my life with me, whatever the uncertainties, simply because she is in love with me, and I with her - and we want to be together.

And I fear that everytime I watch a romance movie, my hopes are rekindled - that I'll truly be able to find a girl with whom I can have that kind of connection, where we can throw caution to the wind and say we love each other come what may.

Maybe my experience with my ex has taught me that such a love doesn't exist, that all of us are too selfish. I admit that as she confessed to not loving me, a part of me died - and I stopped loving her with the kind of commitment I always dreamt of receiving. And perhaps, even almost a year later, I question myself if I'll ever be able to give that to someone else.

So many songs talk abt find that special someone that you just know is the one for you. This one's from the movie SERENDIPITY itself:

When You Know
When you know that you know who you love, you can't deny it.
Or go back, or give up, or pretend that you don't buy it.
When it's clear this time you've found the one, you'll never let him go
Cos you know and you know that you know.

When you feel in your skin in your bones and the hollow
Of your heart, there's no way you can wait till tomorrow.
When there isn't any doubt about it once you come this close
Cos you know and you know that you know.

You can feel love's around you like the sky 'round blue
This is how love has found you, now you know what to do.

When you know that you know who you need, you can't deny it.
Or go back, or give up, or pretend that you don't buy it.
When it's clear this time you've found the one, you'll never let him go
Cos you know and you know that you know.

And it's time you come in from the cold.
And you know that you know.


So I cling on to this song for the night and maybe tomorrow, that maybe one day I'll wake up, meet someone or even see someone I know in a brand new light - and recognize the face of the person I've been searching for the whole of my life.

*slap myself*

I need to get over such depressive moods. Sometime I tell myself to just take a more practical step -find a girl who is responsible, caring and a good girl who loves God - learn to love her, cherish her and that's what makes a good marriage. Maybe I'm in that wistful state of mind, seeing all my friends around me getting married. But I do feel that there's room for a love that can go beyond mere practicality. So many people tell me that Grace and I were so wrong for each other. And all the while, I was aware of that. But I was so sure that as long as we loved each other, and we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, that we could makes things work out. Sadly, she let go - and I soon did as well.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." -Proverbs 13:12

Its only times like this that I truly appreciate the wisdom of what Proverbs say. Seems that such words that seem to state the obvious comes to life for you when you're in the midst of such an experience itself. Right now, I shd just to go sleep. Tomorrow, everything will be better.

I hope. Grins.