There was a lot that went through my mind in the last 36 hours or so. Marcus' dad passed away, and I only received word yesterday afternoon that the wake was in the evening. I cancelled my dinner appointment and went down, and it more or less expectedly turned into a class gathering.

I guess funerals are the time where one is forced to consider one's mortality, and inevitably for me, I recall what left such a deep impression on me at my uncle's funeral recently - that ultimately, its not abt how much I've accomplished, but how many lives I've touched. See, there I was feeling so sorry for myself that at 25, I've got nothing to show for my life. Yet I remembered at the funeral was that what I wanted to hear at my eulogy, was not what I've accomplished in my life, but how many people can go up and say how I've made a difference in theirs.

Ironically, class gatherings are also the time where we sit around and catch up, inevitably a time where we assess how 'successful' some have become over others. So there I was, in that setting, and feeling the sheer irony of it all, that two such polemical paradigms could exits within the same act of being there for a friend in need.

I also got to meet Serene, one of the first girls I really felt bowled over by. Never did have the courage to speak to her in school, cos she always seemed so out of reach for me, even as a friend. This was the first time I even had a conversation with her, and she still had what it takes to really take my breath away. Of course, given the whole situation, it was wildly inappropriate to be pursuing that train of thought there, so even then I never had a chance to say much to her. Didn't allow myself to either. But yeah, it was one of those things that made me go home with a sense of wistfulness, wondering how things could have been. She just broke up with her boyfriend of almost 4 yrs just 5 days ago, to add insult to injury. Hehz... *shrug* C'est la vie...

I just returned from watching The Passion Of the Christ. Passion. The same word in the Latin that is translated as "suffering". And what the movie portrayed was pretty much that. One cannot help but shed at least a tear while watching all that Christ went through. Everything from the sheer physical pain, to the rejection by those he loved, and the scorn of those who never had anything to do with him, it was a movie where you really just had no words to speak right after it ended. I always thought I had a comment or two abt everything, yet the show left me totally speechless for some time after it ended. Literally. I walked out of the cinema with my cell in silence, my mind whirling with so many thoughts. Interestingly enough, by then there was very little emotionalism left, just the sense of tiredness at having watched something so graphic, and knowing that every bit of what we saw was true. And a recollection of all the thoughts that had gone on in my mind throughout the 2.5 hrs that the movie lasted.

I guess with the communion coming up this Sunday, there couldn't have been a more apt time to watch it, at least for me. Lotsa food for thought. Esp since I'm leading worship.

My pastor just suddenly broke down in her email to my cell group, describing the stress that she was going through, the fears she had, and the weight of all that she's feeling even in her personal life. I felt a little awed, actually, in the context of my church, that a pastor would be willing to open up to a cell with her emotions and her fears. Its either testament to the fact that she really is quite different from all the other pastors in my church, or else testament to how extraordinarily stressful the youth ministry is right now.

I'm not thinking properly now. Its already 2, and I still haven't prepared worship. Gotta wake up in 6 hr's time. Better go now.