Rejoice In The Lord Always... or not.

Seems like everytime I come back here, its to report that week in week out, I've had eventfully meaningless things happening. even deaths in the family seems routine after a while, as we all just go through the familiar motions of the wake and the burial/cremation. Otherwise its the same paranoia of failing my exams still, and left with a pretty bleak future with only an A'level cert to show for the past 5 yrs of failures. Even more paranoia abt my spiritual life, abt church, abt my inability to overcome the hurt from both Grace and other friends.

The Beatitudes lists 9 blessings to 9 types of people. Blessings of the kingdom of heaven, comfort, mercy, and of seeing God. In return, you need to be meek, merciful, pure, peace-loving amongst other things. Just where in the spectrum of those who are blessed do I stand? Am I even one of those who are considered blessed? And if not these, what sort of blessings do God promise, that I think I'm receiving? I mean, on the one hand I think I really lucky just to have 10 fingers and toes. Two arms, legs, eyes and ears... etc. I really am thankful. Yet I wonder why God doesn't seem to make this night end. So much activity and laughter in the day, yet when I settle down at my computer to recount my week, all I seem to be able to put down are the dark moments of despair and paranoia. I wonder if I get to heaven, if the great men of God would confess to facing similar desperation when alone, or if its just me. How can a foreteaste of heaven and the joy it brings result in a life that always lives in shadows? Or is apostle Paul giving an incredibly optimistic exhortation when we're told to "Be joyful always"?

Cos I can't.

My joyful moments seem to be more a form of labour for me, while despair seems to be my natural state. And as much as I probaly can generate a list as long as the opposite, for the things I can take joy and gratitude in, it never seems to ring as true as my depression. In fact, they don't seem to ring true at all.

Hehz... I remember the parable in Shattered Dreams, where the man's life just keeps turning for the worse one after another. I wonder if that is the case, cos if so I won't mind it that much since it serves a purpose. But if I'm living in this darkness for no prupose other than just because I'm in a rut, then I guess I can just go out of the house, find a ditch and kill myself in it already.

Ah well. On the slightly brighter side, we had a really good session yesterday in church, where some church elders, Liu Mu Shi and Zhang Mu Shi came down to meet with the Youth Min leaders to dialogue and to also bounce ideas off each other. I think its really good that they finally bother to come down to meet with us and talk to us direct. And mebbe its cos I've switched my bias (it prob is half that as well...), but the leaders don't seem to be half as distrusting and out of touch with our position as Andrew always made them out to be. When he made himself the only proxy between the youth min and the church leadership, all we heard was how they don't approve of our ideas and the way we want to run things. Yet our own dialogues with them have turned out to be a pretty open affair, and they seem more than willing to consider what we have to say.

Sheesh.

Next week is my driving test. Monday is Weimin's test, thursday is Jean's and friday's mine. I hope I pass before the two of them does. Grins. And right now, Paul's thinking that if I drive like I did his car that day, I prob won't be allowed to drive even in heaven.

Or hell.

Grins.

The Winner Takes It All

So everything's finally settled, and my grandma has been laid to rest. The really really busy week is finally over, and the family can get back to the business of the daily humdrum of life. Was at the Esplanade last night, catching Mamma Mia, the collection of songs from ABBA made into a musical. I've always liked the stage since I was a kid, and always enjoyed a good musical. From My Fair Lady to Fiddler On The Roof, the musical stage has always managed to enthrall me with the song's ability to capture the moods and sentiments in a way that mere prose and dialogue never could. And last night was absiolutely unforgettable. Throw aside the fact that I was again playing lightbulb to Weimin and Enhan, the show was nothing short of spectacular, and even though it prob wasn't too good from a professional point of view since even I caught some mistakes they made, it was nonetheless a really well put up, and even more cleverly written script, stringing together some of ABBA's greatest hits.

Admittedly I went with a pretty limited understanding of ABBA's songs, the only one I know well being The Winner Takes It All, I actually heard most of their songs before. After all, who hasn't? The story was of a girl who was getting married the next day, but does not know who her real father is. After all, her mom slept with three men at abt the same time, so anyone of them could have fathered her. So she sets out to find out, by inviting all three to her wedding. So the story goes, and the songs just don't stop coming one after another, strung up very nicely.

I wasn't disappointed with the rendition of The Winner Takes It All. Really well delivered, and cleverly inserted into the storyline. Something abt the lyrics to the song always strikes a chord in me. The resignation that it expresses, the regret and the fatalism that it brings out... hehz.

The Winner Takes It All
I don't wanna talk
About the things we've gone through
Though it's hurting me
Now it's history
I've played all my cards
And that's what you've done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play
The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
That's her destiny

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I'd be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules
The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear
The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It's simple and it's plain
Why should I complain

But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed
The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

I don't wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
You've come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see
The winner takes it all

Ah well. I remember as a kid thinking that the good guys always win. That somehow, as long as I'm a good guy, I won't end up on the dirt, at least not for long. But that has perhaps come as one of the biggest fantasy that has been shattered, as I find myself again and again on the receiving end of being too nice. If I were a little more of a bastard, I might have got the girl. Cut a corner and I'd have made more money. Stopped trying to help people and I'd have wasted a lot less money, have more time for myself, and mebbe end up being a lot more streetwise. And now looking back at the song I'm reminded that at the end of the day its the winner who takes it all. Why be the nice guy? Nice guys always finish last.

Someday I'm going to have to revisit my spiritual life. Was telling God last night after the show, as I was taking a walk at the park beside Thomson Plaza, that I think sometimes its always so hard to look to future glory, because so many things here seems to capture my heart. From the fact that at 25 I still dunno what I wanna do with my life, to the ever-present struggle between wanting a soul-mate to settle down with and the cynicism that such a girl really exists, to wondering whY I can't evern seem to embrace the innocent faith and love for God I see in many pple around me.

I think I fall into the category of guys who only wants what he can't have. And God's love is just a little too easy to win. And therefore just a little too easy to forget. Shit man. Mebbe God was right after all to make me wait just about forever to meet my partner. Just so I don't forget her name on the way home. Muahahaha...

Revisiting Shadowlands

So here we go again, revisting the death if someone in the family. This time the honor goes to my grandma who maanged to live to a ripe old age of 102. I never was able to talk to her much, since she spoke nothing except Hokkien, and in this case it might as well have been Greek.

I got word of it on sunday, halfway through cell when my dad phoned me to say she was in a bad way. I told him I'd rush down after cell, only to receive a msg an hr later that she passed away. Still, having known her since I was born, and having grown up for the first 5 yrs of my life under the same roof as her, I guess it does hit me a certain way when she passes away. The sense that another part of my history has detached itself. I used to muse abt how the passing of my elders in the family is the benchmark that I've grown up, and that its time to take their place. Yet, with the passing of her, and the reality that my dad's brother has also already passed away, I'm in no way feeling any older, or anywhere closer to being able to step into their shoes.

The wake service today has been an awkward one, given the fact that we're actually on really bad terms with my dad's side of the family. Without knowing too much abt the details, it probably is safe to say it boils down to money and sibling rivalry, where our family ended up being kicked out of the house, this moving to Sembawang Pig Farm where we currently reside. Fast forward 20 years, and we're still still at it, and its sad that even the passing of a loved one doesn't help much to bridge the gap. I wonder if this was what it was like when Issac and Ishmael came back together to bury Abraham. Cos if it were, then I guess that explains the tension that still exists today between the Jews and the Arabs. Grins.

Speaking of grudges, Andrew, Yuzhen and Audrey actually came down today for the wake service. Thank God I managed to avoid Andrew all the way. I tried reconciliation before, and was snubbed. I guess what's left is just avoidance. Still, it was quite a feat given how the whole parlour was so bloody small. But I couldn't help thinking of the inherent irony that existed within the scenario, where the family itself is unable to get together to mourn the loss of a loved one, and at the same time there exists not just a divided family, but a divided church. I'd be kidding myself if I say what Andrew did no longer rankles. The way he behaved not only hurt me, it also deeply disappointed me that someone whom I used to look up to so much could turn out to be like that. And even worse, how his tuanqi doesn't realise it. I hope he believes in the idea of hell, cos he sure doesn't seem to act like he does.

Grins.

And right there and then I realised how the grudge in my family could have lasted all 25 yrs and beyond. For if someone within the church could hurt me so much, how much more must be the scar from the friction within a family. And I who used to think how stupid my dad was to have sulked in the same corner for all this while, am suddenly confronted with the reality that I'm either eerily like him, or else to recognize and empathize with why he behaves this way.

Back to my grandma.

Her eulogy was surprisingly beautiful, delivered by her pastor who's known her for more than 40 yrs. Tho his sermon absolutely sucked, he delivered a really sweet eulogy. And again that talk surfaces of heaven, and of future glory, something which is so easy to forget in pursuit of daily discipline, and the focus on the now. The sermon on sunday itself was also abt future glory, making it surprisingly apt.

Ah well.

Its gonna be another excruciatingly long two nights. Hope I can last through it man. Burial's on thursday.

I ain't shitty, I'm pink

Its thursday. Another week has passed, and its turned out to be a pretty remarkable week. From Serene going up on stage to lead the response song at service, to having everyone ard me come down with a bad case of flu and sore throat, to my series of tests finally being over, and even to England winning 2 matches on the trot!!! Muahahaha.... even more amazing is that Michael Owen scored. One of those rare occasions.

Speaking of rare, I actually met up with Paul too!!! Hahahahahahaha... Yeah, we had dinner and had time to bitch abt how big a bastard each other is. Grins. Gonna miss doing that in a couple of years' time when he's too busy changing the diapers for his babies. Ha!

Had supper with Caleb last night, and Syl showed up later. And its really hilarious, cos she sorta confessed that with Johan being so nice to her and all, she finds that she's wavering, and sort of liking him back. Not that its any big news, since it was coming from 10,000 miles away, but it still yet again adds to the overwhelming mountain of stats that says if you like a girl, just keep plugging away being nice to her and she'll bite. Eventually.

Now I just need to get my hands on Michelle Chia's contact. Grins. I wonder if April's number still works... hmm...

Anyway, there was this really intereting question raised by my friend the other day, and I asked ard for a response. No one really gave a fully complete reply. But then again, there prob wasn't a real complete reply too. She asked what's the difference btw disciplining your feelings, and suppressing it. And I guess I was pretty intrigued by the whole thing, and the ramifications of that. Cos if (the answer ultimately touted) discipline only lends a rationale to the act, the ultimate act itself is still one of suppression. And if so, I guess suppression of your feelings ain't as bad as so many pple instinctively make it out to be.

Yet my question was then what sort of difference is there between suppression and denial? Between suppressing how you feel for someone whom you know is impossible, and the denial that it is still there, what's in between? I see guys like Aaron who can move on to Shirley barely 2 weeks after being rejected by Violet, and yet in one sense you can't fault a guy for moving on, can you? So what if he had waited 2 yrs instead of 2 weeks before going out with Shirley? Would that have made things any more acceptable? And if then he still liked Violet, does it mean he can't ever go out with someone else?

I see someone like Daoxing in my own tuanqi, carrying a torch for Serene for just abt forever already. Yet he's also liked lotsa other girls in the meanwhile. Like I was telling Syl last night, I wonder if he was suppressing his feelings for Serene then, was in denial, or was he just totally clueless? How would a girl feel if I told her I am courting her, but that she's the girl I moved on to because the girl I truly liked isn't reciprocating? Won't that make me an absolute bastard?

Hahahaha... I'm kindda like what Paul describes as an "old sneakers guy". I like old stuff. I like things "the way they were". Mebbe that's why I find it so hard to ever want to move on to a new relationship. I'd rather just not be attached again. Or else stay within the current circle of friends I have to look for someone. I keep talking abt expanding my circle of friends, but at 25 I guess I've more or less settled on a circle of friends I want to keep, and I no longer have the energy to make new friends. Not many, anyway. Enhan and Ruth are actually 2 pple I'm bothering with. Pretty surprising that I do, actually. Mebbe I still got what it takes, but pple nowadays just don't open up as willingly anymore.

Anyway, I'm really really really worried for Bernice. Just saw the new schedule for the Levite Ministry. With John the latest to step down from the ministry, I really dunno how she and Henry are gonna cope man. Hope they can just hang in there, since I'll try my best to be back from dec onwards.

Ah well. Back to my studies.

I ain't smelly, Nut. I wash. Grins. That's why my shit is pink. Muahahahaha...

Love & Ice-Cream

Well, I just finished a test on Social Inequality. Over the phone to Paul, my answers seemed to come out fine. But I have a feeling I was a lot more garbled in my writing. Damn. I was never born to be an academic writer. Heck, I was never meant to be an academic OR a writer. Hehz...

Realized that its been a really long while since I last spoke to Paul. Of course, its all because we've both been so busy (Have to be REALLY careful here, in order not to hurt my sensitive friend into thinking I'm putting the blame on him. He's such a delicate guy... ), that even phone conversations have been short. So it came as a little shock when he realized he hasn't told me abt his SAF case. Turned out that after the pro-rated calculations, he has a liability of ard 70K to pay off. On top of which... Here's the bombshell... He has another 706 days to serve out his NSF liability!!! Wuahahahahaha... Man, that's really gotta suck above all. Dunno how the hell they reached that figure. Even under contract, he would have just about finished it already. He said he's gonna appeal. Just dunno if its gonna make any difference.

Back to my rant on women... (grins) Nut, if you're ever gonna grow up into a woman, pls promise me you'll not end up such A... err... Nutcase. Grins.

Was thinking to myself how its like a cycle. Paul's honeymoon is drawing to an end... Simon's honeymoon too... Caleb's... Well, it never managed to really even take off. And Weimin and Ham have just abt been at it forever.

I really really really look at them, think back to the amt of grief I took when I was attached, and I wonder if its really worth it. Mebbe Apostle Paul was right after all. Mebbe it really IS a heck of a lot better to be single.

Ah well. I'm really just going on in a cycle. Listening to me work this out again and again in my blogs, you'd think it was a pressing issue, with the many girls just waiting for me to say yes to them. Sigh. Sad to report I can't even hold on to a boyfriend, much less get myself a girl who'd be remotely interested in considering spending the rest of her life with me.

Grins. I'd have a much better time, much more productive time, if I labored at length about the kind of ice-cream I'd like, and the grief that comes with eating too much... cos I can actually follow it up with a trip to Cold Storage.

Hahahahaha.... mebbe I'll do just that. Grins.

Stab me! Now!!!

Caleb called me last night, and was telling me abt how he had a talk with Naomi last night, and it seems that she pretty plainly told him to back off a bit cos she felt it wasn't the right time for them to be together.

Man, I really didn't know what to say to him. For all this while, she has been bringing him out with her, going out to meet her friends all all... then meeting all his friends... making plans to go on trips together, having gone on trips together already... then out of the blue she drops the bombshell that she still likes a guy who's currently engaged to be married. So she wants Caleb to back off a little, and "let God lead". Man! Hehz... I straight away thought of the time when Paul was agonizing over the Ape, and whether or not to tell her how he felt... and how it all turned out redundant after all, cos she decided to stick to her boyfriend.

Why the hell are girls so bloody hard to figure out? There was absolutely NOTHING at all that suggested she wasn't keen on taking their friendship one step further. There was also NOTHING at all that mentioned she was still interested in a guy who's engaged (Not to mention how wrong that sounds...), and I still remain utterly bewildered by girls who like to brush things off with a "let God lead, so right now lets not meet up so much".

I mean, the rule of teh thumb in friendships is very simple - keep in touch constantly and you draw closer. Back away and you lose touch. Period. So unless the girl has in mind that having once been close friends, when God decides to lead, they could have been out of touch for a couple of years but God will myteriously put the notion of each other back into their heads, and they'll end up together eventually. If I ever wrote a TV serial with such a development, no one's gonna believe it. Throw in the notion of God, and everyone believes that's how God intervenes

Amazing!

So there was poor Caleb, suddenly left hanging yet again. I mean, the girl's cute enough I guess... but I seriously if she's right in her head for Caleb la. One of those Pamela-esque girls who espouses that very vague notion of faith, and attributes a lot of things to it without really pausing to think it through.

A reminder once again to me abt how women are so impossibly unpredictable, that the next time I think I've got the going pretty good with a girl, I shd always just tell myself the exact opposite could be happening. Wait a minute... that's what happened with my ex. Grins. When all the while I thought she was in love with me, and was wrong. Muahahahahahaha...

Speaking of which, Simon called me also last night, asking me what could have prompted me to break off a 4 yr r/s. I suspect he's going through his first spate of problems with Charlotte. Hehz... But I just didn't have time to talk to him la. Too much problems on my own part oredi. But I'll prob try to make time for him next wk.

Ah well. That aside, monday was Daoxing's birthday, wednesday was Weixiu's. 24th is Huilin's, and 25th is Enoch's. I'm going bloody broke man.

Not to mention I just finished an essay, have to rush a video and study for Tan Ern Ser's paper tmr... man, just kill me now.

*stab stab*

There And Back Again

Back in school, and back again to that feeling of loneliness, and the feeling that its really still me against the world. Hey, I have lotsa friends, who even bother to actually message me, call me, and just generally check on me and look out for me. And for that I'm grateful. And it does help. Yet I guess its times like this when I sit down and realise that I'm still alone.

And I think a big part of that is having someone whom I can love, and show my love to.

There's a joy and a fullfilment that comes from being able to do something for that someone you love - a hug, a gesture, a word, a gift, a message... you name it. And to be able to drink in her smile, her gratitude, her appreciation - makes the time away easier to bear, knowing that just I'm thinking of her when we're apart, she'll also be thinking of me.

Sigh. So I'm either desperately tired from my lack of sleep, or else just generally very tired of being single. Hehz... yet its funny, since I keep swinging between the great appreciattion of being single and able to live my own life, and that sense of wonder at what am I supposed to do with so much time on my hands.

Lord, I need a girl who can give me my space, yet also can admit a need for me. A girl who can actually understand me in all the times when I'm too silly to just say what I mean, but rather decide to say the opposite. A girl who can both tell me off when I'm wrong, yet also pander enough to my ego to not put me down all the time. A girl who can say she loves me not for anything I possess or any attributes that I have, for otherwise then I'm surely dead. A girl... who basically does not exist... at least, not within my radar so far.

Sigh.

Why can't God just make the girl you're supposed to end up with end up living next door to you? Doesn't that make things so much easier?

Shit man. I'm seriously losing it here.

There And Back Again

So its yet another week again, and I'm back in school trying to tell myself to study. Its a desperately lonely feeling sometimes, and I guess on such a morning as this, I'm feeling it all the more keenly. Hey, I've got lotsa friends around, and many of whom do msg and keep asking how I am, and checking in on me to make sure that I'm ok, and that I'm studying. So why the loneliness that doesn't seem to go away?

I guess I miss being able to do things for pple. There's a certain joy to be derived from being able to do things for pple, to show them that you care, and that you remember. The satisfaction you get when you see the look on their face, or the appreciation that they express after many years at something you did for them back then... its always been something I like doing.

So I guess sometimes I miss being able to do that. Now after I'm single, I've missed out a lot on doing such things. Sending someone home, cooking for her, buying little gifts, all the little affections that I can dish out, that right now I don't have an outlet.

So I swing from being able to enjoy my singlehood and the freedom that comes with it, and the moments when I wonder what to do with all the free time I have.

I guess I never seem to be able to make up my mind, and know what is it that I want.

What Now?

Her I am, on the rare day I actually reach school really early, and am sitting down in the arts canteen, doing my quiet time. And the verse that I shared with Enhan just the other day for BS just seem to keep coming back to haunt me.

"For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad. " - 2 Cor 5:10

I'm reminded that "Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly." - James 3:1

So there I was that day reminding him that as a christian, we all have to give an account of how we've invested the talents that God gave us. With the kind of lethargy and almost indifference that he seems to display abt his spiritual life, I guess I have to admit I was partly trying to jolt him with 2 Cor 5:10. Yet now as I sit down here, I am asking myself how I measure up.

I've been a christian for just abt forever now, since I was in Pri 6. That's abt 13 yrs as a christian. I've led a total of 2 persons to Christ, and only shared with a total of less than 30 people.That's only abt 2 persons a yr that I've shared the gospel with, the bulk of that number coming from random street evangelism that I did with Campus Crusade. Take away those 3 yrs of my life, and I've shared with mebbe 3 people in 10 yrs. So much for having been compelled by the love of Christ. And scarily, as I sit down to ponder... other than faithful service to God in church and with the people inside, I really can't count too much in terms of a walk with Him that has served to let me know Him better, growing in Him, or perhaps just really being involved in Him.

I mean, I sometimes look at people like Eric and Weixiu, and I think they might just be the real thing after all. I mean, just as how I can learn so much abt Joz from Paul, or what's going on between Weimin and Enhan cos they inevitably keep mentioning their partners, and what they did together. And I know it sure ain't outta any sense of privacy that I keep my walk with God so secret. I just really don't have a lot to say. My mind hardly ever wanders to what God says to me everyday, at most the latest happenings in the unending cycle of church politics. I sit down on a bus and my thoughts drift to everything from soccer to the cars that pass by, and of course the pretty girls that I see. But never ever to verses I'm supposed to memorize, the QT I did for the morning (A BIG assumption being that I actually did QT that morning), and generally to have the discipline that tries to live each moment with the awareness that wants to please God.

Its all so abstract, its actually really scary. If my faith is really so abstract, what do I make of it? Is it actually there? Or have I really been living a lie all this while? People will say that I therefore need to change and discipline myself. But isn't that supposed to be the work of the Spirit? If I can't be saved by works, hasn't the past 13 years been proof of how one can try so hard at loving God, and yet end up hitting so far off the mark? How would trying even harder help?

They say a person who has been on the receiving end of grace knows it, and will know the importance of giving it. Perhaps I can't forgive Andrew cos I never did feel like I was on the receiving end of grace, and is unable to give it.

Or, perhaps I'm just a wuss. I great big wuss.