look! the search thing is up, and it's quite effective. =)

My Tribute

Sacrifice
Bob Fitts

O, this must be the hardest tear I’ve ever cried
For I must sacrifice you, promised son of mine
And so I go to worship with you by my side
And trust a sacrifice He will provide

And though I cherish you,
I must now offer you
To Him who is the Giver of all good things
And though I cherish you
I will now offer you
For surely He could raise you up again

Here on this altar, Father, I lay all my dreams
And offer back to You this child You’ve given me
O, son you must believe He’s called us to obey
And by His love He’ll make a better way.

And though I cherish you,
I must now offer you.
To Him who is the Giver of all good things
And though I cherish you,
I will now offer you
For surely He will raise you up again

O, Abraham, O, Abraham
Now that I know you fear My name, withhold your hand
O Abraham, O faithful man
Your only son, he is not the one
Behold the lamb, behold the Lamb

It must have been the hardest thing He’d ever done
When God the Father sacrificed His only Son
The One that He most cherished gave His life away
And by His love He made a better way

And so I cherish You
And so I honor You
You truly are the Giver of all good things
And so I cherish You
And so I honor You
Your sacrifice is now the King of kings

Jehovah Jireh
He has provided
The sacrifice of love no man could ever pay
And what He requires of you and me
Even the hardest things
Your blood of Christ, your sacrifice,
Gives me strength to obey.


The story of Abraham almost sacrificing his son has never failed to move me deeply. The kind of trust and faith in God that when He takes away everything that was ever important to Abraham, that he can still believe God is faithful and worth obeying... that's the almost mythical faith that I'vge always wanted to have.

So that when God took away my fellowship 6 yrs ago, my girlfriend 2 yrs ago, and my scholarship a yr ago, and potentially my degree in a little while's time, (not to mention my trim figure 8 yrs ago) I would still be able to sit back, and say with all sincerity and conviction that I know my Lord is good, and that as much as I'd like to chastise myself for all my failures, I know He is good and will look out for me.

And so He has. In the friends I have made and the friendships that have been strengthened since my life started falling apart. The people in my fellowship who are now slowly and steadily coming back to church, and the fellowship that even though has been scattered in different small groups, have nevertheless remarkably kept contact and kept our sense of identity as a fellowship. Remarkable that I've also started suddenly bumping into and re-establishing contact with some very very long lost friends, dating back to Pri 1. (Read: 19 yrs ago)

And so it is with that sense of astonishment that I look back to the past few yrs with the same familiar feeling of regret and nostalgia, but now very much colored with a great sense of thankfulness that I see more than just a silver lining in the dark clouds in my life, but very much the sun that is indeed behind the clouds.

Hehz... Gee, I sound like a man who is dying. You know how they always see the light at the end of the tunnel just before they die? I sure hope this has nothing to do with it. Grins.

Anyway, just wanted to put these thoughts down before I let them run away. Its not too often that I can sit down on my blog and do something other than whine and moan abt how pathetic I am, and how even more pathetic I am for whining and moaning about it.

Today, I have something to give thanks for.

How cool is that!

Without A Name Or A Face

See, I've gotten to know this girl for a while now. And I dunno when and I dunno how, but more and more I'm starting to think of her wherever I go and whatever I do. Its like I can't control myself. It really spooks me, its scary. Sometimes I wonder if its love, or whether its just a crush. But it just feels like here's a girl who truly knows me, like the girl I've always been waiting for. Someone who can read my body language, anticipate what's on my mind, and who's able to look out for me as much as I try to look out for her.

Naturally I'm always looking out for her well-being, wondering what I can do to make her day better, or what I can msg her to bring a smile to her face. Rather like how her every gesture for me or msg to me always bring a smile to my day, and a glow to my face.

Its times like this that I start bringing out all the good 'ol love songs that I always listen to, and wonder if there'll ever be the day when I can sing them out loud to her, and tell her how I feel. See, she's almost too perfect to be true. She was everything that I always wanted in Grace, but never found. A face that can stop my heart everytime she looks right into my eyes when she talks to me. A good girl who has a genuine interest in God, with a heart so gentle that it has none of the holier-than-thou mentality you see in so many pple who profess to be serious abt God. And on a good day, I dare to harbour the hope that she loves me too. We talk on the phone everyday, so she must feel the same way too, right? We msg, talk, have lunch or dinner pretty often, so I definitely have a better shot at her than anyone else, right?

On the one hand I keep obsessing over the fact that she's just about too perfect, and on the other I start to realise that the more perfect she is, the more I think I'm so unworthy of her. With my screwed up life and mind, what can I offer her that she deserves? Nah... she deserves someone better than me. Someone who can make something out of her life. Someone who can bring her some material comfort on top of just emotional companionship. Someone whom she truly deserves.

But deep inside I like to think that if I do ask her, she'd say yes. Cos she's a romantic like me, who believes that nothing matters more than two people who have found in each other their true soul-mate. Someone who's willing to make the marriage vows of "for better or for worse" something she wants to carry out.




Muahahahahaha... man, who the hell am I kidding? If such a girl were to come into my life, I'd swear I was dead and in heaven already. Grins. Or else it will soon turn into an absolute nightmare where she turns out to actually be a married woman, who used to be a guy. No way would I ever get it so good in my life. But it sure was fun to wish and hope there for a while. (Read: My Name Without A Face, or else My Face Without A Name. *winks*)

Grins.

Hehz...

Just got home from watching THE INCREDIBLES. And man, it was incredibly (yes, pardon the pun) funny and awesome. Absolutely hilarious. Hahahaha... After yesterday's escapades of lunch and shopping with Paul and supper with Serene, Simon and Caleb, tonight's moie represents the last scrap of fun I have before hitting my books once again. Yes, that's right.

I still have two more friggin' papers to go before my exams finish on 2nd Dec. Its the bloody last day of the exams, I believe. And so there I am, gonna be one of them last losers to be hanging out at the library mugging away when everyone's out watching THE INCREDIBLES. Wait a minute, incredibly (ugh) - I've watched it already!!!

Wuahahahahaha...

Man Utd won last night. Alex ferguson's 1000th game in charge. Whoo hoo!!! While Liverpool's amazing injury jinx carried on last night, with their sole remaining fit striker now out also, barely 2 mins into the game. So as per their newly-established tradition, they lost 1-0. Muahahahaha... my luck must be turning!

At this rate, that girl without a name or face might actually show up!

Mamma Mia, Here I Go Again

A more apt title I could not have found anywhere else. Went to watch the show again last night with my family. Yet its a slightly more frustrating night, given how the supporting lead of Sophie was played by the understudy, who just wasn't good enough to be honest. Kindda spoilt the fun a little. But otherwise it was really worth the second watch. Grins. Any kind souls who wish to sponsor me a ticket, I'll be willing to put up with a third attendance. Grin grin.

Lotsa of things happened these few days I guess. The most notable being that my boyfriend's flown off to Sydney with Joz, and Sophie has finally gone to the police over Andre. But since she didn't lodge an official report, Andre's still getting away with murder. In the words of Nut, trying desperately to still sound like a good girl, "WTH", as opposed to the alternative that always simmers just beneath the surface of her thoughts.

Anyway the bastard wuss actually tried to intimidate her right in front of me. I was escorting her to see him, so she can tell him that she's not gonna give him anymore money. And he just kept trying to to stalk her every step of the way, taunting her, threatening her, et al. But like the wuss that he is, when I'm ard he didn't dare lay a finger on both her nor me, even when I was deliberately trying to provoke him.

Bloody hell. Never knew God created these sort of City Harvest Christians. Oopps. I meant, these kind of guys. Hehz... But honestly, I sure hope someone in his church will realize that he probaly doesn't believe in hell, given his behaviour. I knew his church had dodgy doctrine... but this is just ridiculous. Even the Muslim believes in some form of hell.

Dammit. I really wanted to keep it above the belt about CHC. Ah well. Grins. Guess you can't hide a light under a blanket. Hehz...

Been having really really bad dreams, keeping me up all night. Just 2 nights ago I was kept awake the whole night with this uncontrollable rage towards Andrew and Grace. Its was like the pressure I felt with the Scrabble dream before that, only this time it was rage. Sigh. Woke up not feeling particularly angry or anything also. Just freakin' tired. Dammit, I need a shrink. If nothing else, to shrink my waistline. Hehe...

First paper is in 2 days' time. Shit. Where's my drunk driver who's supposed to kill me?

Where? Where? Where?

HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME.

Muahahahahaha.... cringe before me, you mortals...

don't run your cursor over here

Scrabbled Brain

So its the end of another week, and my exams are just a week away. Cool. I always wanted to know what it feels like when you realise you only have one week left to live... and this is it. Diana called me last night to ask me how I'm doing. Seems like I'm one of the few pple who actually is lonely enough to still remember who she is... I'm guessing that's why she actually still calls me to find out what's happening back home. Hehz... Anyway, she was again going on abt her problems with KC... how her mom doesn't approve... how she worries over when they'll ever get married... that sorta stuff. Listening to her go on and on for the 20th time abt the same concerns again... gave me the sudden realisation what everyone who reads my blog must feel... Hahaha...

So to all my loyal blog readers... I shd count no more than 3, actually... yeah! You all DO love me... Muahahahahaha...

What's interesting is how Sophie actually called me. Ever since Paul told me abt how Andre hits her, I was really wondering when her name would show up on the obituaries. I mean, we all know Andre's a pyschotic maniac who doesn't even deserve to end up with ... ... Grace. Muahahahaha... (Yes, Nut... Ruth DEFINITELY knows Grace. She used to have BS under her... hahaha...) Back to Andre - but what makes me even more confused is how bloody stupid and blind love can be. No wait. Correct that. They don't even love each other. Guess they're just really stupid then. Sigh. I'm actually genuinely concerned abt Sophie. But I don't understand why it is that the bigger the bastard you are, the harder it is for the girl to leave you. Joz and Grace left me and Paul easily enough, I guess. And yet after taking her money, beating her and basically abusing her both emotionally as well as physically, (Attends City Harvest Church at the same time, I might point out. *snicker*) Sophie can still decide that she will stick with him, and actually harbour the hopes that he will get better.

Ugh.

My sis was right after all. STUPIDITY HAS NO CURE.

Anyway, after these trivia abt the latest non-happenings in my life, I guess it really would be pretty sad if my blog does not at least give passing mention to two pretty big pieces of news that took place recently. This China girl called Huang Na was abducted, and found a few days later naked, shoved into some cupboard box and dumped somewhere. Think it was a really really sick case. As a documented paedophile myself (by all my darling beloved friends, no less..), I guess if even I myself am disguted with the whole case, that surely speaks volumes. Shall talk more abt that in a while.

Of course, the biggest news coming out after that is that Yasser Arafat is dead. And the whole Middle East goes absolutely nuts as everyone descends into a greater panic than the millenium bug crisis. Ironically, the West Wing just resumed season 6, which carried the storyline of the leader of the PLO, Hamas and the Prime Minister of Israel being invited to Camp David to hold peace talks. I wonder how much of the irony did the producers and writers felt, hearing of Arafat's death at roughly the same time as the episodes are being aired.

Quote of the decade: "The official mourning period is over today and there is a silver lining - George W Bush is prohibited by law from running again." - Michael Moore

Anyway, something struck me in the news today. As Malays all over S'pore celebrate Hari Raya, and breaks fast, a reporter decided to pose as a poor Malay girl who knocks on the doors of Muslims and begs for food and water to break fast. And I guess its a pretty sad but probably expected indictment of S'poreans that she was turned away by most. Even the reporter failed to be at least remotely impassive in her wriitng, but fully expressed her severe disappointment at the treatment she received. Seems that from families who just told her to go to the nearby mosque to beg, to families with so much food all over the house she could see it from the crack of the door that was opened to her, everyone claimed they had no food to offer, and would not even provide a cup of water. One shoved 2 dollars at her and told her to go buy water elsewhere then slammed the door on her.

Seems that the only families which responded were those living in one room flats, and those who had almost nothing to give. These were the ones who opened their doors and invited her to come in and share what they had. I guess what struck me was how if it was Chinese New Year and someone had come up to my doorstep begging for food, he probably would have gotten some... but nowhere near the kind of hospitality extended by those a lot poorer than I. I'm reminded that those who have been the recipients of the most grace are the ones who remember to be thankful, and share what they have. And I guess lots of us seem to no longer have anyone to thank for what we have today, convinced that we all are self-made men with only ourselves to thank for all we own. Like Bart Simpson's prayer at the dinner table "Dear Lord, we paid for this meal ourselves, so thanks for nothing actually".

Yet even as I talk abt the apparent civic apathy of S'poreans, the Huang Na case highlighted that many in S'poreans, albeit the older ones... continue to show that pple actually do care. I think 8000 pple sending off the girl at the crematorium might have really been an overkill, but there's something laudable abt the fact that S'poreans are at least showing up instead of just sitting back at home. Its a puzzle... there's always this Dr Jekyl Mr Hyde syndrome abt S'poreans, where we are capable of rising to the occasion and makes me believe at least for a while that S'pore's not that bad after all. Yet there's always more than enough tales to be told of pple who probably don't believe in hell, given their behaviour.

Ah well. Its another sleepless night here for me. Good news is that Man Utd won Newcastle. Grins. Seems that they can only score when Van Nistelroy is back.

But otherwise its been one of those days when I'm just feeling very down. Dunno what's bugging me. Spent the whole day with people, but just can't bring myself to really feel good. Mebbe I'm just really stressed and tired out. Keep having these really bad dreams whenever I try to sleep, that keeps me awake. Like this dream where I was just under intense pressure to keep churning out words from the 7 tiles I had in front of me, ala scrabble. There was no scenario, just the tiles in front of me that keeps changing as I make out words... and that very strong pressure to keep formimg words. I keep waking up, then going back to sleep only to resume that dream.

Sigh. Some drunk driver shd just hit me and be done with it. God knows there's very little left in this world that I can call my own, that I can live for anymore.

All For One & One For All

Was watching the show "The Man In The Iron Mask" only recently, a story I have always been fascinated with since I was a primary schoolkid. The legend forever linked with the tales of the Three Musketeers, the exploits of Athos, Portos and Aramis, and the swashbuckling heroics of D'Artagnan... man, those were the days when I still believe in knights and honor.

Yet this is one heck of a show, since I thought Leonardo Di Caprio actually showed that he could actually act... and still Jeremy Irons was brilliant as D'Artagnan. The music was by WG Snuffy Walden, one of my fav composers, who also happens to be responsible for the theme song from The West Wing. All in all, the show has always been a favorite of mine, predictably because of its bittersweet ending which I so love.

All for one and one for all. Rather like the same motto as what we saw in Black Hawk Down, when the pet phrase was "leave no one behind". The same idea that they live and die together, and for each other. And as I was watching it for at least the tenth time now, the last scene where the 4 heroes decided that they shall all die together as they charged the king's musketeers, and something abt the scene never fails to capture me.

I don't think I've come anywhere close to seeing the kind of spirit in my tuanqi before. I mean, the bible exhorts all of us that we're all one body made up of many parts. One for all and all for one, right? Sadly, no. Conflicts aside... even within a fellowship at peace with each other, things just become too peaceful, that no one seems to be alive or awake. I've never had the opportunity (mebbe being totally insensitive, I missed it) to do something for someone in my tuanqi that required me to have that will-be-willing-to-pay-any-price attitude. No one seems to have such a need, no one seems to believe in asking for it.

So what's missing? One question the Youth Min leadership has been asking non-stop for so long is "why the lethargy?" I mean, I'm not even talking abt churches with the bulk of well-meaning christians who are willing to offer the bare minimum in service... where the problem is in getting someone out of that huge pile to commit more. In my church's case, its even difficult getting someone to do ushering. Inevitably the ushers are late for service themselves. And I ask myself - if they can't even do something as low-commitment as that, what hope is there to find people who are willing to stand up to be counted?

"Greater love hath no man than this, that he would lay down his life for a friend."

I guess if we ever want to live out the practical reality of heaven, and to bring the kingdom of heaven into our midst, we really shd learn to start loving one another. A little more of that all-for-one mumbo-jumbo will prob go a long way to establishing the kingdom of heaven on earth.

... ... thus ends my break from studying. Hehz....

INFP

Yeaps, that's what I am. Just did the MBTI test.

This is what I am.

INFPs are driven by their deep, personal values on their lifelong quest for meaning and harmony. They always make sure their actions follow their beliefs, their need for integrity is so strong that they are physically unable to do something they believe is wrong. If they ever do go against their values, they will atone for it without telling anyone about it. Sensitive and caring, INFPs are very empathetic and nurturing to their friends, but they are selective about who they allow to get close. They seem cool and a bit apathetic at first and it takes a long time to get to know an INFP. They often take things personally, and their feelings are hurt easily. INFPs also usually keep negative feelings to themselves, and would rather stop talking to a close friend than confront them. They also tend to idealize relationships and become depressed if they don't work out as well as they envisioned. Because INFPs dislike confrontations so much, they are likely to procrastinate until people forget, or just say 'yes' and then go do whatever they want.

INFPs are creative and imaginative, with a strong interest in the arts. They are especially gifted writers and poets. INFPs are open-minded and accepting of anything as long as it doesn't interfere with their values, then they become rigid and unforgiving. They are usually very interested in spiritual and religious aspects of life, and the search for their true self. They are often so preoccupied with self-awareness that they fail to notice outside activities, giving them an almost other-worldly quality. INFPs are the most idealistic and least practical of all the types. They 'march to the beat of a different drummer.' Thoughtful and soft-spoken, INFPs make excellent counselors and advisors. They are drawn to psychology and the arts, and have an almost mystic understanding of life and the universe. INFPs believe strongly in a balance between light and dark, good and evil. Despite this preoccupation with finding evil, they are able to recognize the good in anyone or anything.

Another Review:

INFPs present a calm, pleasant face to the world and are seen as reticent and even shy. Although they demonstrate a cool reserve toward others, inside they are anything but distant. They have a capacity for caring which is not always found in other types. They care deeply-indeed, passionately-about a few special persons or a cause. One word that captures this type is idealistic. At times, this characteristic leaves them feeling isolated, especially since INFPs are found in only 1 percent of the general population. INFPs have a profound sense of honor derived from internal values. The INFP is the Prince or Princess of mythology, the King's Champion, Defender of the Faith, and guardian of the castle. Sir Galahad and Joan of Arc are male and female prototypes of an INFP. To understand INFPs their cause must be understood, for they are willing to make unusual sacrifices for someone or something believed in.

INFPs seek unity in their lives, unity of body and mind, emotions and intellect. They often have a subtle tragic motif running through their lives, but others seldom detect this inner minor key. The deep commitment of INFPs to the positive and the good causes them to be alert to the negative and the evil, which can take the form of a fascination with the profane. Thus INFPs may live a paradox, drawn toward purity and unity but looking over the shoulder toward the sullied and desecrated. When INFPs believe that they have yielded to an impure temptation, they may be given to acts of self-sacrifice in atonement. The atonement, however, is within the INFP, who does not feel compelled to make public the issue.

INFPs prefer the valuing process over the purely logical. They respond to the beautiful versus the ugly, the good versus the bad, and the moral versus the immoral. Impressions are gained in a fluid, global, diffused way. Metaphors and similes come naturally but may be strained. INFPs have a gift for interpreting symbols, as well as creating them, and thus often write in lyric fashion. They may demonstrate a tendency to take deliberate liberties with logic. Unlike the NT, they see logic as something optional. INFPs also may, at times, assume an unwarranted familiarity with a domain, because their global, impressionistic way of dealing with reality may have failed to register a sufficient number of details for mastery. INFPs may have difficulty thinking in terms of a conditional framework; they see things as either real or fancied, and are impatient with the hypothetical.



And yea, I did with a pretty primitive online test. But I like what I read. Grins.
http://www.boomspeed.com/zsnp/mbti.htm

Buzz Off...

Hehz... the title's in honor of all that's going on in my life now. From my boyfriend who's buzzing off to Sydney, to Ruth's parents who are telling me to buzz off their daughter, to my own darling sister who told me to buzz off the TV couch and sit on the floor... so that SHE gets to be the one on the couch. Muahahahaha... the bumblebee analogy couldn't have come at a more apt time. Grins. Of course, add on the fact that when I visited the rehearsals tonight in church, everyone was shocked to see me, and was telling me to buzz off and study. Ha. And coming home again so late at night, I get to tell Ruth to buzz off my blog and those pics of my girlfriend. Muahahahaha.... yeah, Ruth's the name of my Schizo Manifesto. In my manic depressive state, I've reverted to the mentality of a 5 yr old.

Grins.

Dammit. I'm bloody lame. Nuckin' Futs.

Muahahahaha...

*winks*

Anyway, just jotting down another of my now-brilliant-to-me-but-tomorrow-will-look-super-moronic-and-lame thought. Was pondering abt the idea that God gave each of us different aptitudes. These aptitudes we label as gifts. So some of us play, some of us dance, some of us just make noise. Others are gifted in teaching, in preaching, in caring, blah blah blah... And so in the parable of the talents, we're told that it's not important how many gifts we're given, but that we be faithful in making sure we're fruitful in utilising those gifts, to the glory of God. And for those gifts that we don't have, we shouldn't have to worry too much abt it.

So here's my question, always seeking to blame something or someone else for my lack for discipline - so why can't the ability to dscipline myself be an aptitude? Some guys just naturally seem to have a better grip on themselves. (No Paul, not THAT way.) And so if discipline is actually an aptitude, why the hell am I being judged for not having the ability to control myself or nurture myself better than others? Isn't it almost like holding me accountable for not being able to sing like Pavarotti in service? (Tho I think if I were to sing like Pavarotti in service, I'd prob deserve to go to hell for rupturing everyone's eardrums.)

And if discipline ain't an aptitude that someone's born with, what the hell is it? Why do some find it easier to discipline themselves than others?

Man, I'm so brilliant sometimes I think I'm almost jealous of myself.

Muahahaha.... now, if only I could transfer some of my brilliance to my real life, so that next year at this time, I don't forget my dad's birthday like I did today.

Yeah. I did.

Amazing huh?

Nah... prob not. Gonna wake up a moron anyway.

=)

lalala

UNDER CONSTRUCTION.
(ill be back tonight to clear up the mess....and of course add in a bumblebee picture. *buzz*...unless of course you'd prefer jean's picture here.)

Going Once... Going Twice...

Ah hell. I don't think its ever gonna go away. In fact, I wonder if its ever possible for it to actually go away. I'm talking abt the whole thing I had with Grace. Grins. Nopes, it ain't a rant abt my ex again, like all 6,462,923,734 of my blog entries in the past. Its just something that came into my head when I was musing. That in my context, its almost impossible to run away. At one level, we share the same church, and thus a lot of friends. We share a common past of 4 yrs, thus inevitably developing some similar habits and even speech patterns. In fact, as I was reading through some stuff I penned from 1997 and 1998, before I got together with her, her name came up even then, because she was highlighted as a potential leader in the fellowship.

In a church setting we keep talking abt the grace of God. And so I can't even run away from the name. Its like there is absolutely no insulation against her name man. Hahaha... and last night I asked Syl what her reaction would be if I told her I liked her. No, I'm not interested in her. Just wanted to check out what me and Paul were talking abt that day, of how it would be quite impossible to get a girl to spend the rest of her life with me, given my current state of affairs, except for thsoe who's known me before I got into all this mess. And Syl's response was that she would never think its possible because of Grace. Ugh. Ah well. Wrong person to ask, I suppose. Then she ironically tried to encourage me by reminding me that His grace is sufficient for me. Hahahaha... I'm all for dramatic irony, but sometimes God can be just so hilarious.

Ah well. Mebbe its the weather. Its one of those days when I just don't seem to be able to kick into gear to study, and so am just musing to myself. One of those days when I'm actually emotionally pretty flat. Not feeling high, nor down, just not really feeling anything at all. The English language should have an equivalent for the word "Sian". Its so useful. So descriptive. So to-the-point. And so it is that I start a monday morning, a new week, wondering abt just what I'm gonna do after my exams. I actually dun feel like going overseas. Wanna just camp out somewhere in S'pore, and have some time to myself. Then again I wonder - why time to myself? Don't I have plenty of that already? Am I really so tired of being around people? I guess I am.

Somehow its always just so tiring when talking to people face-to-face. Its so much easier talking on the phone. There's actually very few pple whose company I enjoy. I count less than 15. Even in the tuanqi setting, as much I enjoy myself, its so tiring. Esp so when I assume the role of crowd pleaser. Everyone goes home happy, my ego takes gets a temporary boost, and when the adrenalin rush goes way, the feeling of absolute exhaustion sets in. Only to a few do I actually open up, and ask to be pleased by them. Grins. And mebbe if I can have but these few at my deathbed, it would be enough.

Alternatively, I shd just start being a bigger idiot, and go around expecting to be pleased. A bigger bastard, someone with an attitude problem, and stop being so nice to everyone around me. And I don't mean whining abt wanting attention. That's being a nice bastard. I mean being a real jackass, who goes around DEMANDING that people pander to his needs, and panders to his ego. Hehz... man, if I ever can stop being a wuss for one day, I might give that a try. I'm just afarid it might end up being more tiring than being a nice guy.

Grins.

Man, this blog is turning into my crap outlet. Help. I need to stop putting my stream of concisousnes into it, and start putting something with a bit more intelligence into it.

Murphy's Law

So I ended my last entry talking abt how I hope I pass my driving before Weimin and Jean does. Turns out I'm the only one who failed. Wuahahahahaha... Talk abt irony. And Jean actually passed her driving with just 2 miserable points, while I chalked up 34. All that with the same warm-up instructor and the same tester!!! Bloody hell. Grins. But still, really glad for Weimin that she finally passed. Was starting to really worry for her if she had failed. It was her 5th time already.

Its been a pretty interesting week all in all. Watched Shark's Tale with Paul, practiced hard for my driving, had a bit of time to myself to just do some thinking, and also to take a few customary hits every week. One of which was the really bewildering news that Ruth's parents don't want her talking to me. Grins. I had ABSOLUTELY no idea how in the world I got into trouble with them man. And esp since I'm always so good with parents, being on the bad side of them actually is a most unfamiliar feeling for me. Ah well. It started as Ruth just mentioning that her mom told her to not talk to me. Didn't think too much abt that at first. Made a mental note to not msg her so much nonsense, that's all. Later that night, when we said hi on ICQ, her dad pulled the connection after seeing her talking to me. Whoa! Man, that's when I realized something was up. Anyway, spooky...

Moving on to another Ruth now. ARPC finally finished its series on the book of Ruth. And I think Andrew Ong did a pretty good job of wrapping it up. He's actually coming along really fine as a preacher. Much better than Sim Boon Yong actually. Weixiu actually kept on hounding me because I mentioned that his msg was actually pretty unsatisfactory, since it left a lot of gaping holes in what tried to present. Man... she wouldn't let up for the whole darned week. *shudder* THAT'S the girl pple want me to spend the rest of my life with?????

Ah well. One other thing that came back to hound me was when Ruth mentioned how Grace looked pretty upset after bumping into me. Came as a little bit of a shock actually. Thought she would have been over me already. Esp with Andrew by her side. Grins. Ah well. Friday night I got to spend some time with Zhanhao and Michael, and Zhan Hao suddenly mentioned Grace in a particular context, asking if I broke up with her because she refused to pander to me, and pamper me. Grins. Man, I was so tempted to tell him the truth of how it was the other way around, that she left me after I refused to pander to her anymore. Grins. But with Michael ard as well, I decided not to say anything la. So I blamed it all on Paul, making it known that he was the third party that split us up. Grins.

It gets better. Ben also came up in the conversation, and I can't help but wonder what really goes on in his head. Does he not like me simply because he wants to pander to Andrew? Or is it because he failed to steal my girlfriend and knows he looks really bad for having tried? Grins. Anyway, he's just abt the only person whom I really don't understand. Simply cos I refuse to believe how anyone could be THAT stupid. Ah well.

Speaking of stupidity now (I'm on a roll, baby...), Bush won the elections against Kerry. BLOODY HELL. And if that wasn't bad enough, that America had so many morons who actually bought Bush's spin, it seems that a lotta S'poreans are actually very glad too, that Bush won. Can you believe that??? I hope these pple like terrorists and a bad economy, cos those are the only 2 things Bush produced in the first 4 yrs. God knows he doesn't look like he's gonna be able to do much better in the next 4.

Been having a couple of weird dreams lately also. One was that I was shopping in a supermarket somewhere, and bumped into Serene, and ended up doing my shopping with her. I don't even know where to begin wondering abt that. Another night I dreamt I was talking to Weimin abt something in church, when Fort Canning suddenly became a volcano and erupted. With everyone running for their lives, I was trying to look for her cos she's disappeared. So it was like a nightmare, seeing the church burn down, pple running for their lives. And halfway through, I saw Ruth with her family and so had to avoid running into them (Guess I know where THAT came from, at least. Grins.). All in all, I woke up with a sense of amazement at the sheer stupidity of my dreams. This doesn't include the number of dreams I had of the many scenarios in which I could fail my exams and end up penniless, loveless, gutless.

Oh wait, I already am pretty gutless.

Hehz...

No wait. Loveless too.

Ah hell, come to think of it, I'm always penniless.

Ugh.