Spirit Of Christmas Past, Present & Future

Its been so long since I posted something here. In a way, so much has happened worth mentioning, and yet I can't think of anything significant enough that I absolutely MUST pen down. Life's little ironies I guess.

Off the top of my head - Chen Mu Shi gave the last of his series of 4 farewell sermons this sunday. Can't believe that I almost cried. Hehz... I'm quite a wuss sometimes. But here is a man who baptized me at birth, presided over the church in some of its most dificult times, and has always been a spiritual anchor for the whole community, saying his farewell for good. And fittingly he used the passage from II Timothy 4:6-8, Paul's last exhortation to Timothy before his execution. Paul talks about how he has run the race and fought the good fight, and how he is now looking to the crown of righteousness that is in store for him. And I guess I couldn't have imagined a more fitting verse he could have used to end 28 yrs of ministry in ORPC. And I guess I wasn't alone, because when he ended his message, he came off the rostrum to a thunderous applause. And I guess later on when we were singing a response song, Renji couldn't have picked a more apt song -

愿一生跟随祢
求祢指教我
数算自己的日子
叫我得着智慧的心
因为在祢看千年如已过昨日
又如夜间一更

我一生夸口只有
劳苦和忧愁
转瞬即逝，没留什么
求祢清晨时用祢
慈爱充满我
使我一生欢呼喜乐

我一生愿跟随祢
我的心献上给祢
我一生愿跟随祢
渴慕祢高举祢名

我一生夸口只有
劳苦和忧愁
转瞬即逝，没留什么
求祢的荣美常在
我的面前
愿祢的荣光显明

I was really really moved by the whole event. It was such an apt song to choose from. The song is taken from Moses' prayer in Psalm, and I guess the song could really be just taking the words out of Chen Mu Shi's mouth. I dunno if it was also because of the more sombre Christmas that I've had, but I remember a really deep sense of grief and loss whenever I thought comes into my mind that this great man of God I see on the pulpit won't be up there anymore in a mere week's time.

Aside from that, this is the make or break week. Either way, my life as i know it is going to end. either I'm gonna pass everything and have to start looking for a job to earn my keep, or else I'm gonna receive news that I've still failed my exams and will end up as fish food. With a hundred and one nightmare scenarios in place, I really haven't been able to sleep well, in many cases dreading it with a passion that keeps me up until 5 in the morning. Shit. I really need to learn to deal with my problems and stop running away everytime. Ironic that I was just talking to Paul over dinner today abt his self-destructive habits.

The candlelight service in church this year was really sweet. Rev Burke paid a glowing tribute to Chen Mu Shi, and he gave a really simple message about how we ought to be the salt and the light of the world at X'mas. Rushed home to prepare for the cell X'mas party the next day, and arrived at Weixiu's house feeling really sick. Had a really terrible sinus problem. Still we had 34 people at the party that day, a really amazing crowd. I guess I should dial down on some of my cynicism sometimes, cos the party really did turn out to be a very very successful outreach program. Not to mention everybody had so much fun. Eric and desmond both showed up, we had a short time of just catching up and chatting.

Our church will cease to be called Orchard Road Presbyterian Church Mandarin Ministry after 2004, but will officially become Providence Presbyterian Church come 1st Jan 2005. Yes, Chen Mu Shi has once again so aptly become the Moses of our church, leading us into the Promised Land, but not stepping into it himself. He fought so hard and worked even harder to move our church towards independence, and I think he takes great comfort at having witnessed its birth before he leaves.

Sunday at Zhang Mu Shi's place was as usual, a really fruitful time. we had a discussion that ultimately led the topic of emotions Vs true spirituality. What role does one's emotions play in one's true spiritual condition? As a worship leader who fails to feel any joy in the Lord that day, is he oblidged to carry a fake smile up there and still lead praise songs in the prescribed manner? Or can he go up there and declare as David did, "Why so downcast O my soul?".

I think I take great comfort in the fact that our pastors recognize that emotions are a very important part of our spirtual lives, that should neither be denied, or dialled down. They need to be addressed. Unfortunately, in a conveyor-belt style of chirstian education that we seem to have adopted, hardly anyone seems to be able to understand, empathize and address emotional struggles in one's spiritual lives, beyond the question of whether one has observed spiritual disciplines or not. And if the sufferer say that he has in fact served out spiritual disciplines but still feels that God is turning away, the christian and very often even the church itself can give no answers.

I think if we keep moving in this direction to address real needs and concerns that the church has, I'm feeling that this is a church that might have some hope after all. That there is indeed a thick silver lining from the dark clouds of Chen Mu Shi's imminent departure.

Today I went to watch Phantom Of The Opera. Emmy Rossum was so pretty. She really is. But she just couldn't carry the voice of Christine Daae. So in that sense it was a little disappointing because no matter what, it is a musical after all. But otherwise I think it really is a great production, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. There's something so haunting and appealing abt the Phantom himself. He doesn't have a name, and is the definitive tragic hero. Like his two lines "This face conjures a mother's fear and loathing/My mask - my first unfeeling scrap of clothing", he was someone who was outcast by society. And like Quasimodo who went in search of love and beauty and got everything horribly wrong, he ultimately again was the self-sacrificial character who found redemption by again condemning himself a life of loneliness and darkness. And I guess there is always a very attractive quality to me about being a tragic hero, someone I always fancied being. The way I would choose to go to great lengths to meet a person's wants, even at a cost to myself, and many times wanting to do it without the other person. A kind of addiction is found in the satisfaction derived from the knowledge that I gave at the cost of myself to make something happen for someone else.

Ah well. 4am gibberish seldom seems as impressive in the morning when I wake up again. But at least for now it makes perfect sense.

Oh, I received some really sweet gifts this X'mas, from a really sweet 'card' (thanks Ruth!) to a sling bag that Paul tried very hard to conceal from me by swearing a bit too much that he got me a really cheap gift. Thanks buddy. Grins.

I guess 2004 hasn't been exactly a great year for me. But I figured I must be reaching rock bottom soon, so hopefully 2005 will be the year I start bouncing back.

Looking Inside

Its been so long since I last posted. Ironically, after my exams, having more time away from my computer means I have less time to blog. And man... so now eric has inadvertently become one of the select few with access to my blog. All because of an oversight when I posted a comment on his blog. Ah well. He's well familiar with my whinings anyway. And after all, now he knows what to get me for X'mas, when he's back. Grins.

Its curious, how much one's tone can change so many times over a week. How much one's mood can be affected by the slightest thing that happens, or even the slightest thing that fails to happen. As predicted, the period following my exams has been one huge anti-climax. My relief cannot be complete without the actual release of my results, which will either affirm my relief at the end of my NUS ordeal, or signal the start of my life as fish food.

But seriously, even as throughout the whole week I swing between my polemic moods - one minute feeling the deepest anguish and despair at failing to make anything of my life at 25 yrs' old (which is severely augmented by my equally paranoid fears that I'm still gonna fail this sem), and also the optimism that shrugs iff the wasted yeas, and welcome the new phase in my life, come what may (read - still, the fear of failing seeps through. Only this time, I take it in my stride).

But it is indeed a real worry, and a real source of my perpetual despondence - the feeling that all those promises that I showed as a teen are irretrievably lost. Growing up in a family that has always placed a very high premium on achievements, the approach of X'mas and New Yr inevitably brings on an imminent sense of dread, that its time yet again to face all my relatives with theier over-achieving sons and daughters. Don't get me wrong - I'm terribly proud of my couins' achievemnts, and couldn't be ahppier for them. but when the spotlight gets trained on me, and the pressure is on for me to present my show-and-tell of my accomplishments, it is particularly hard to feel that I've let my parents down. And I guess at the root of it, that's what hurts the most.

I have absolutely no ambitions. Given my way, I don't mind being one of those dear waiters I see in restaurants, that have worked there their entire lives, from the time they were 20 till they retire at 50. Those dear old men who recount to you how times have changed from the times since they started work there in their youth, and how they continue to serve you with a dignified pride in their job. Yet somehow I get the feeling that would profoundly disappoint my family. Not to mention my friends, and even myself. And somehow I've even come to think I shd make more out of my life.

Yet in those moments between lucidity of thought, and pure unadulterated madness, I struggle with the notion of making something out of my life. Isn't what I do for the kingdom of God what really counts? Isn't the minding of where I end up on the ladder of social status quo merely materialism neatly packaged up as pratical and good common sense? And so on days of lucidity I can resolve these thoughts, only to be plunged back into madness moments later. (Them blasted mood swings that never seem to stop.)

Its been a melancholic few days. And its really silly. From watching CSI, and the rather depressing episodes nowof Grissom's team being torn apart, to The West Wing where Leo's heart attack leaves Barlett even more isolated than ever - augmented by his paralysis from MS and his staff that are slowly learning to move on from the Bartlett administration. Then there's the whole series of Agatha Christie's Hercule Poirot novels, right up to the last one where he dies... this wierd confluence of materials have left me in a curiously disheartened state.

Add on to the fact that Chen Mu Shi is leaving... the idea is finally sinking in. The dear dear old reverend that has held me in his arms when I was a baby, and baptized me... confirmed me 18 yrs later... and who has always been a mainstay in the church I grew up in... and always was someone who embodied the life I ought to be living... he was going to be gone for good. Short of being at his funeral, this was as final a frewell as it would ever be. He's gonna retire from this church, start attending service at another church... and I can see how in the hustle and bustle of a new leadership as well as the struggles of going independent, he will quickly become a forgotten figure of the past, fondly remembered on occasions.

Its just so poignant of Moses... leading the Israelites for 40 yrs... only to be denied the Promised Land at the final step of the journey. He has led us ths far in our church... and yet he has to leave just when his dream has finally been realised, of seeing this church take on yet another milestone. Even as he embraked on his series of farewell messages these 4 weeks, his voice was evidently breaking on the pulpit, as he shared of his deep love for the church, for us, and the reluctance of his leaving. And it suddenly hit me just how much I'm going to miss him.

Its really funny. I probably have spoken less than an hr's worth of conversations with him in thye past 25 yrs of my life. Yet in his departure, the void left by his absence is such a tangible one. I guess I could shrug it off as one of those sentimental moments that I tend to bring on... yet at the same time is also the feeling that this is because he has truly been one of the living spiritual giants that I've had the privilege of being shepherded by, and his absence is tangible because he takes with him when he leaves, the spiritual presence that has come to be an almost tangible presence around him. The prayers that has been accumulated over 28 yrs on behalf of the church, the sweat, the toil, the heart of servant-hood... With all due respects to the new leadership... losing him will always represent an incalculable loss.

Watched Love Me If you Dare finally, a while ago. And I finally understood why Paul was raving abt the movie. It really is a poignant and very incisive narrative of how we hurt those we love, and can only be hurt by those we love. Yet there is something in the show that the hopeless romantic will always be enchanted by, the notion of a love so strong that it can stand 30 yrs of hurts and distance. Also watched Look At Me, another french film. I think both are so powerful at narrating the interraction between pple of all sorts, from the rich and beautiful the poor and unsuccessful... and how inevitably its so funny that we still end up grappling with exactly the same inadequacies and insecurities.

I think that's enough emotional diarrhea for tonight. Time I try to catch some sleep.

Christmas Wish List

All you people out there who claims to love me... go spread the word!!!

1. CDs. (There a really nice one by Aoife. Or else The Best Of Blue. Or Westlife - Allow Us To Be Frank. Or else just something quite, mebbe mildy celtic.)
2. I need a wall clcok for my new room. A really nice one is sold for only 30 bucks at B1 in Raffles City, beside the flower shop.
3. Vouchers are always welcome. Grins. I accept VISA and AMEX offers too. Even Mastercard!!
4. If anyone won lottery and wants to buy me the iPod, I'll kiss the bloke - male or female. Hell, if a dog bought me that, I'd kiss the dog too.
5. Who's the Boss? Season 2. (I'd marry the person who manages to find this.)
6. Peugeot Gti 206, aka Annette. *grins*

Notice how for this entry I've decided to leave the fonts larger than usual.

=)

Now, all my fans out there... show me how much you all worship me!!!!!

Muahahahaha...

What's Next

The saying goes "I wish that they would have told me that when you reach the top of the mountain, there's nothing there." So here I am, at the end of 5 yrs of almost futile study, and my last paper stares me in the face in the morning. I wonder what's the point, and what the hell it could be that's keeping me awake at 2 plus in the morning. Maybe its cos even before the papers end, I'm anticipating the disappointing anti-climax that is bound to follow right on its heels.

What's next, Peng? A job?

Just yesterday when I was at the airport sending my sis and Joseph off, he asked me what was the most exciting thing I've ever done. Night cycling? Nopes. Wall climbing? Nopes. Bungee jumping? Nopes. In the end, its so sad to conclude that the most exciting thing I've ever done was go to NS. I wrote something abt living a life of perpetual inconsequence before, and now I find myself facing up to that reality once more.

Did something that at least brings a little peace back to the insanity of my life yesterday. I bought Grace a present for her birthday, and wrote her a card, apologizing for what I did wrong, from the time we were together till the time we broke up. I guess it was one of those things that God's been nagging me since forever to do already. And I guess with the easing of the tension between us, it makes it easier for me to start forgiving her. At least, today when I bumped into her at PS, I was able to look her in the eye and know that I'm trying to make things right. And so while I don't see how things could ever be the same again, esp as long as she remains so dependant and fixated with Andrew, at least I know I've tried.

I think life can be such a funny thing at times. Sometimes the harder you try, the harder something gets. Some of my happiest moments have caught me by surprise. That moment in time when you are suddenly caught unawares in a mood of happiness, where you feel that your soul is given that lift it badly needs, rather like a flat tyre that gets a badly needed pump, before it goes right back to the process of slowly letting air out again. These curious spells of reversals in one's outlook and perspective. And I guess the more desperate I get, the harder I try to generate these moments. And the harder I try, the more elusive it proves itself to be.

Maybe that's why God tells us not to worry, for tomorrow will have its own worries. To stop seeing the dark clouds looming in every horizon, but to learn to rest in His providence, and stop seeking.

Yet everytime I try to rest, these neuroses comes right back at me, seeking to drown me with their currents. And like Peter, I take a step of faith only to sink right after that. Or like the man who cries out to Jesus "I believe! Only help my unbelief!"

Sometiems I wonder if I'm really mildly schizophrenic. Given how I seem to be two totally different persons in my public persona versus my private. Sometimes its hard to tell which is real, since I either do a really good job of pretending to be happy when I'm with people that I start believing I'm happy - or else I do indulge in my apparent depression so much that I really convinced myself that I'm unhappy. And so as I swing between the two extremes constantly everyday, mebbe that accounts for why I always feel so tired emotionally.

God, I wish I were dead. All those tombstones that say Rest In Peace... I hope calling it the Long Sleep is just a form of euphemism, cos if the sleep is anything like mine, it sure ain't much of a rest, and it sure as hell ain't much of a peace either.

Nevertheless, that Long Sleep from which one never wakes, until judgement day comes... I never thought that I'd be 25 and desperately wishing for that rest. At 12, I was a bubbly young boy with an ego the size of China, so sure was I that I was a good guy who was gonna make something meaningful out of my life. Not even for a second did I imagine that I'd have become the person I am today within a mere ten score of years.

Shit.

Can't sleep.

Ugh!

One of those night again where I'm bound by a frustration that I can't pin down, except to recognize that its a gnawing sense of frustration, that keeps eating away at me, that I can't get out of me, since i can't even tell if its in my head or in my heart.

Taufik won Singapore Idol, by the way. He beat the Ah-Beng Sylvester, and boy did I heave a BIG sigh of relief. No way would I have been happy seeing a bloody Ah-Beng represent Singapore at World Idol. Talk abt negative projection.

It used to be that penning these thoughts down goes a long way to venting my emotions, allowing me the moments of respite where I can have a little more peace to rest. Yet perhaps like the drug that I've come to liken it to, I've become addicted, and it no longer is able to satisfy.

Maybe its time I embarked on a higher form of drugging myself and numbing my senses - time to do some of those stuff that I've never done.

Bah, who am I kidding? I won't last 3 steps out of the front door.

Shit, Im pathetic.