Spirit Of Christmas Past, Present & Future

Its been so long since I posted something here. In a way, so much has happened worth mentioning, and yet I can't think of anything significant enough that I absolutely MUST pen down. Life's little ironies I guess.

Off the top of my head - Chen Mu Shi gave the last of his series of 4 farewell sermons this sunday. Can't believe that I almost cried. Hehz... I'm quite a wuss sometimes. But here is a man who baptized me at birth, presided over the church in some of its most dificult times, and has always been a spiritual anchor for the whole community, saying his farewell for good. And fittingly he used the passage from II Timothy 4:6-8, Paul's last exhortation to Timothy before his execution. Paul talks about how he has run the race and fought the good fight, and how he is now looking to the crown of righteousness that is in store for him. And I guess I couldn't have imagined a more fitting verse he could have used to end 28 yrs of ministry in ORPC. And I guess I wasn't alone, because when he ended his message, he came off the rostrum to a thunderous applause. And I guess later on when we were singing a response song, Renji couldn't have picked a more apt song -

愿一生跟随祢
求祢指教我
数算自己的日子
叫我得着智慧的心
因为在祢看千年如已过昨日
又如夜间一更

我一生夸口只有
劳苦和忧愁
转瞬即逝，没留什么
求祢清晨时用祢
慈爱充满我
使我一生欢呼喜乐

我一生愿跟随祢
我的心献上给祢
我一生愿跟随祢
渴慕祢高举祢名

我一生夸口只有
劳苦和忧愁
转瞬即逝，没留什么
求祢的荣美常在
我的面前
愿祢的荣光显明

I was really really moved by the whole event. It was such an apt song to choose from. The song is taken from Moses' prayer in Psalm, and I guess the song could really be just taking the words out of Chen Mu Shi's mouth. I dunno if it was also because of the more sombre Christmas that I've had, but I remember a really deep sense of grief and loss whenever I thought comes into my mind that this great man of God I see on the pulpit won't be up there anymore in a mere week's time.

Aside from that, this is the make or break week. Either way, my life as i know it is going to end. either I'm gonna pass everything and have to start looking for a job to earn my keep, or else I'm gonna receive news that I've still failed my exams and will end up as fish food. With a hundred and one nightmare scenarios in place, I really haven't been able to sleep well, in many cases dreading it with a passion that keeps me up until 5 in the morning. Shit. I really need to learn to deal with my problems and stop running away everytime. Ironic that I was just talking to Paul over dinner today abt his self-destructive habits.

The candlelight service in church this year was really sweet. Rev Burke paid a glowing tribute to Chen Mu Shi, and he gave a really simple message about how we ought to be the salt and the light of the world at X'mas. Rushed home to prepare for the cell X'mas party the next day, and arrived at Weixiu's house feeling really sick. Had a really terrible sinus problem. Still we had 34 people at the party that day, a really amazing crowd. I guess I should dial down on some of my cynicism sometimes, cos the party really did turn out to be a very very successful outreach program. Not to mention everybody had so much fun. Eric and desmond both showed up, we had a short time of just catching up and chatting.

Our church will cease to be called Orchard Road Presbyterian Church Mandarin Ministry after 2004, but will officially become Providence Presbyterian Church come 1st Jan 2005. Yes, Chen Mu Shi has once again so aptly become the Moses of our church, leading us into the Promised Land, but not stepping into it himself. He fought so hard and worked even harder to move our church towards independence, and I think he takes great comfort at having witnessed its birth before he leaves.

Sunday at Zhang Mu Shi's place was as usual, a really fruitful time. we had a discussion that ultimately led the topic of emotions Vs true spirituality. What role does one's emotions play in one's true spiritual condition? As a worship leader who fails to feel any joy in the Lord that day, is he oblidged to carry a fake smile up there and still lead praise songs in the prescribed manner? Or can he go up there and declare as David did, "Why so downcast O my soul?".

I think I take great comfort in the fact that our pastors recognize that emotions are a very important part of our spirtual lives, that should neither be denied, or dialled down. They need to be addressed. Unfortunately, in a conveyor-belt style of chirstian education that we seem to have adopted, hardly anyone seems to be able to understand, empathize and address emotional struggles in one's spiritual lives, beyond the question of whether one has observed spiritual disciplines or not. And if the sufferer say that he has in fact served out spiritual disciplines but still feels that God is turning away, the christian and very often even the church itself can give no answers.

I think if we keep moving in this direction to address real needs and concerns that the church has, I'm feeling that this is a church that might have some hope after all. That there is indeed a thick silver lining from the dark clouds of Chen Mu Shi's imminent departure.

Today I went to watch Phantom Of The Opera. Emmy Rossum was so pretty. She really is. But she just couldn't carry the voice of Christine Daae. So in that sense it was a little disappointing because no matter what, it is a musical after all. But otherwise I think it really is a great production, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. There's something so haunting and appealing abt the Phantom himself. He doesn't have a name, and is the definitive tragic hero. Like his two lines "This face conjures a mother's fear and loathing/My mask - my first unfeeling scrap of clothing", he was someone who was outcast by society. And like Quasimodo who went in search of love and beauty and got everything horribly wrong, he ultimately again was the self-sacrificial character who found redemption by again condemning himself a life of loneliness and darkness. And I guess there is always a very attractive quality to me about being a tragic hero, someone I always fancied being. The way I would choose to go to great lengths to meet a person's wants, even at a cost to myself, and many times wanting to do it without the other person. A kind of addiction is found in the satisfaction derived from the knowledge that I gave at the cost of myself to make something happen for someone else.

Ah well. 4am gibberish seldom seems as impressive in the morning when I wake up again. But at least for now it makes perfect sense.

Oh, I received some really sweet gifts this X'mas, from a really sweet 'card' (thanks Ruth!) to a sling bag that Paul tried very hard to conceal from me by swearing a bit too much that he got me a really cheap gift. Thanks buddy. Grins.

I guess 2004 hasn't been exactly a great year for me. But I figured I must be reaching rock bottom soon, so hopefully 2005 will be the year I start bouncing back.