Crushes

Well, in light of the fact that one of the recurring themes have been the crushes 2 of my friends have confided in me, the song "On My Own" is dedicated to them. I always felt that the song MUST have been written by one who was similarly in the pains of love, to have waxed so lyrically on the subject. Or at least, have been a sucker to the power of a crush before.

Since long long ago, I've had friends confide in me about a crush he's had on a girl, or another girl asking me what she can do about her crush on a guy... And that was way before I myself went through the unique pain of secretly carrying a torch for someone. Yet despite the pain, a crush can be very sweet... how the very mention of that person's name brings a glow to one's heart, and the very presence of that person in the same room causes the heart to do a rendition of Stomp. The very absence of that chosen one (yes, I watched Star Wars, which I will get to later...) can cause that undisciplined heart to stop as if dead, awaiting the next close encounter with him/her.

Of course, the number one question that everyone asks when having a crush is - "Should I tell him/her?" For upon that question hinges the very destiny of one's life!!! Questions of pragmatism, dealing with compatibility, values and prudence all seem absolutely surreal and of no consequence to the person in the throes of such passion.

The potential cost of revealing your feelings could be the jeopardizing of the friendship the two of you share... such a loss presents twice the quandary, because the last thing you want to do is to cause the other person to withdraw from you. Its a gamble, and the stakes are incredibly high...

Of course, the rewards are also doubly sweet for the lucky few who won the bet, whose feelings are reciprocated. All of a sudden, they can't understand why many don't dare to take a chance at risking all, basking in the warm glow of their gains.

Life's cruelties can sometimes just be like this lottery of love. For all the assurance we seem to have, things are so unpredictable and out of our control. No matter how much I feel she is the right girl for me, as long as she doesn't hold the same view, I'm pretty screwed. As long as he's interested in another girl, or doesn't see her as girlfriend material, none of the girl's promises of devotion can elicit any true form of commitment from him. And life can be like that so often. All it takes is someone who doesn't see things your way, to screw up some perfectly good plans. Anyone who has been in a committee with only one anal member can tell you their horror stories. And so mebbe that's why we've all become so unforgiving. We can no longer tolerate those who disagree with us, because of all the previous disappointments we've experienced. Each rejection we go through leaves a blemish on our souls, that forces us to either become more withdrawn - on the assumption that with less expectations we'd be less disappointed, or more authoritarian - that we can forcibly get our way.

As for me, I've learnt my lesson about the need for prudence when committing to a relationship, and then some. Yet sometimes I fear I have decided upon the saddest path of all, always hiding behind the facade of prudence, when in truth it is but the face of blatant cowardice. I've told a few about the many legitimate reasons why I prob am gonna remain single for the next three years, but I have the feeling that if God were to spell out for me in the stars above, the name of the girl I should be with, I would still chicken out. Hehz...

Sigh.

Guess that's why I remain... On my own.

Anyway, I watched Star Wars Episode III: The Revenge Of The Sith. Boy, it felt good to finally have closure on the whole Star Wars saga. Not exactly a Star Wars buff, many have been the things in the sequels that have captivated me. And of all who watched the show, everyone agrees on one thing - Anakin Skywalker's fall was incredibly sad... as was the fall of the Gedis. But seeing how Anakin was tormented by his desire to do good, yet his impulse that was cruelly manipulated to deceive him into the Dark Side... I think there's always that same latent potential in all of us.

At the risk of over-spirtualizing things, I couldn't help it but be struck by how our own spiritual lives so often are the same. For all the good we strive to do, so any churches and so many leaders get it all wrong precisely because they tried too hard to be dilligent in pleasing God.

Ah well.

Gabriel just offered free tickets to watch the Phua Chu Kang musical, so yays!!!! Grins. $100 bucks tickets some more!!! Tee hee...

Gonna go buy yellow boots now...

Hehz...

No la.

But wouldn't it be so cool if I did???

Back To Me...

So now that the euphoria of Liverpool's most unlikely triumph over AC Milan in the Champs League has finally started to wear down, again the spotlight has shifted back to me... Me and my little world, where each problem is excerbated tenfold, and each concern I have becomes magnified ten times in its dimensions, and any consequences that these problems might bring becomes ten times as serious.

The weather's been great the past couple of days, and I've been going back really late, enjoying the late night air. Its days like this where I especially wish I had a car, so that I would not be bound by the need to return home about the same time as the last bus passes by my place. These nights are all too rare in hot, humid Singapore... and they need to be celebrated, enjoyed, cherished, savoured. Sigh.

Again the theme song of my life... "If I were a rich man..."

Someone recently asked me how long has it been since I broke up, and I realised its been a little over 2 yrs. Man... It sure felt longer than that. Yesterday, at the condo, while my sis was talking to the developer and contractor, my mom decided it was the perfect setting to sit me down and talk about who I shd be dating, and what sort of girl should she be. I SO wanted to kill myself right there and then. (Hey, its a condo, right? Just jump!)

But I've come to realise that the impulse to get a girl does die down after a while. Don't get me wrong, I still wist on most days I had someone special to share my life with. But at least the impulse to make the first girl I can connect with my girlfriend, or the impulse to rationalise why this and that girl actually makes a good girlfriend (when she obviously doesn't), all dies down... and life starts to return to normal.

Took 2 bloody years.

Sigh.

No wonder I always suspected I'm a slow learner.

I think my YMCA job application just went out of the window oredi. They were looking for someone with at least a diploma, so I guess I was alwas just taking a shot at it only. But I'm actually a little bummed out by it, since it was such a perfect little arrangement. Working right beside my school... saving on time, transport costs... Also next to church. What more could I ask for man?

Simon called me yesterday. Apart from his really confused and confusing accent, he sounds like he's really enjoyed his stay in the States. Grins. And then Serene messaged me as I put down the phone, that Syl had just called her. So I was all of a sudden updated on the whole Lim family. Hehz.. Turns out that Syl's not exactly thrilled with her job scope and work arrangements, but I figure she'll adapt, and grow to like it la. She's quite spunky.

I wonder how Johann's doing... grins

Was intending to go to the gym to work out today, since I won't be running this sunday... but the weather's so great, I'm actually too lazy to go. Hehz...

I guess that means I'll just have to continue to really really watch what I eat. Amazingly, I bumped into my army sargeant last night at BK in Plaza Sing. He still looks as thin as ever. Dammit.

K, the thoughts are just getting too random now oredi, so I shall stop.

In Addition

Now that most of the ache has passed, and I can think past the pain barrier, and can type properly, I hope I can be blogging more coherently.

Hehz...

Just went to Meritus Mandarin last night. Triple Three. Grins. Boy, have I missed that restaurant. Food was great, ambience was fantastic, all in all I had a really great time. And the fact that my aunt was paying sure helped. Hehz...

Was thinking back to the movie, A Beautiful Mind. And I guess something pretty minor struck me - John Nash was trying to propose to his wife - scientist style, and asked if there was any way he could get her to prove to him that she truly loved him. She gave him an answer of sorts, and they happily got married. But I guess the real answer was provided over the next 30 yrs when she stuck by him, despite there being any number of occasions by which she could have left him legitimately. Amazing stuff.

Recently there was a court case in Singapore where a woman who suffered permanent brain damage was being fought for between her parents, and her husband, where both sides wanted custody of her. I guess cynicism aside, (I dun think there was a lotta money to be gained) they just wanted to be the ones who had the right to take care of her. I guess it was actually viewed as a rather bizaare case, but it more or less showed that some measure of goodness really does exist. As Samwise Gamgee said, "There's still some good left in the world, Mr Frodo. And its worth fighting for."

I'm still recovering from Man Utd's tragic loss. But its ok, Peng. In the face of such injustice, there's still some good left in the world.

Grins.

Though everyone's still crazy over Tong Hua, by Guang Liang, I'm actually over it oredi. Now more into another song, Di Yi Ci... also by him. Thus the new song on the left. Hehz...

I'm feeling really pretty lethargic lately. Not exactly having bad dreams, but just this sense of awareness that I'm not really alseep, but part of me is awake... Don't think I'm so much feeling depressed as I am just again back to my wistful state. Dreaming of all the things that could have been. That I had graduated. At least I've moved on past wisting I was still with Grace. Just wisting I was with someone else. Grins. (Names starting with F and ending with A are a bonus...) Wisting that I was holding a steady job, and I was another 15kg lighter... Wisting I was a Mini Cooper happier... that sorta things... hehz...

My pockets of life where I'm in that state of perpetual daydreams. Is it just me? Always wondered if I just have too much time on my hands, or if other people have these pockets too.

Just finished another book by Les and Leslie Parrott, called Relationships. Yeah, I guess I'm really pretty interested in the topic. Not just the romantic kind, but the normal friendship kind till even the one with God. And I guess they shed some pretty good light on certain issues.

They claimed that of the different categories of close friends, there are the ones whom they called Friends of the Road, and Friends of the Heart. Friends of the road are very close friends whom you spend one season with cos you're walking the same road... college, job, church... But there comes an end to that season where the friendship comes to a closure cos of different pursuits. Friends of the Heart are the different kinds that you make, and who somehow stay involved in your life through all the different seasons. Those who can actually have keep the commitment going way after we've reach a crossroad and gone our seperate ways.

Was thinking back to a conversation I had with Paul, long ago, about the friends in our lives who have come and gone... Our disappointments that our investments in the relationship were not recipocrated, and they just moved on... And I guess I liked how the book talked about the different relationships that we all need to look out for, and develop. And how we actually need a little of all of these different relationships.

Its a good book. =)

Alright, gotta run now. Am now wondering which book I should read next.

Hmm...

Mebbe my textbook.

Muahahahahahaha...

Good idea?

I think so too.

Mixed Thoughts

Ok, its been a pretty busy few days. Tiring too.

Went to the gym on fri with Paul, ran 2.4km. Sat morning played badminton. And I just ran my customary 5km run, so am aching really really badly. In between, watched Man Utd give a truly virtuoso performance in the FA Cup Final against Arsenal, only to crash out 5-4 on penalties to them. Unbelievable.

Today was our first time we gather as the official second service in the church. We sang the new song that Bernice and Weilun wrote, and I think generally people liked it. Grins. Its been a pretty fun few days.

Man, I'm really really aching.

Just watched A Beautiful Mind. I think its a great show. I mean, I have a very strong feeling there probably were a lot of fiction injected into the story as well, but nevertheless to watch how John Nash battled from his schizo was really something. Of course, helped on by the fact that the wife was played by Jennifer Connelly, I actually did feel his greatest act was not the Game theory or the Nash Equilibrium, but the fact that he married the right woman. Hehz...

Can't help but wonder what his ife would haev been like if his wife had not stuck by him all this while.

Recently another friend of mine was singing her familiar tune of breaking up with her boyfriend to me again. And I was telling her, about how sometimes the most difficult part of life is knowing when would you consider yourself in a position to be sure that you are willing to commit your life to being with that person, if nothing else because being sure of that basically means being committed to sticking by him whether or not he ever turns out to be who you expect or wish him to become...

After that I was left wondering... if I could ever be sure myself.

Sigh.

I've also gone for the fitting for my sister's wedding, ad picked out a really nice material. Sigh. Its times like this that I feel EXTRA vain, on top of my usual dosage. But yeah, still wondering what my sister's wedding is gonna be like, and how life is gonna be like after she's gone. Lots of people are starting to ask me abt her wedding, and I really dunno how to answer them, cos they seem to not believe me when I say I dun have a clue. Esp awkward questions like whether or not they'll be invited to the wedding. Grins.

HOW THE HELL DO I KNOW???? DO YOU NOT REALISE MY SISTER HARDLY EVER BOTHERS WITH ANY OF MY FRIENDS???? WHY THE HELL WOULD SHE INVITE YOU THEREFORE???

Of course, when it comes out of my mouth, its more polite than that. I shrug, grin then say "err, I really have no idea. I guess you'll know after the wedding's over."

Oh, I really really liked Cadbury's new adverts, where they did a spoof of the Beach Boys' "Wouldn't it Be Nice". Thought it was really really hilarious. =)

Watching Star Wars on wednesday. Can't wait. Really can't wait.

Grins.

What's Next, Doc?

Many things have happened since my last blog.

Well, not so much many things as basically significant things. I'm finally attached again.

Nah... Just kidding. Grins.

On sunday, which by the way was Pentecostal Sunday, our Youth Service was officially dubbed as the 2nd Service in the church. It was a pretty eventful service, as the whole Youth Service congregation sat in the main sanctuary, and we were recognised by the main congregation for how far we've come. I guess for the few of us who were there since the very beginning, it was a very poignant moment. As much as we look back on the past 4 years with a tinge of nostalgia, and awe at how God's hand is always so evident after the events had passed, we were also very much looking forward with a great deal of apprehension. With a change in service time coming up, this is really gonna be our next faith stretching encounter. And with the Levite Ministry wanting to further expand our scope, but still working with the same limitations, I guess its times like this that I again have to sometimes look back at God's track record, and take an almost-blind leap of faith that He will somehow make it work again.

Have been asked by my sister to sing a song at her wedding. Half of me is actually wondering if I should make a fool of myself and ruin her wedding at the same time by doing something like that, the other half of me swings naturally to the opposite extreme, and wondering if its possible to write a song to surprise her with it.

Sigh.

Patric finally graduated on saturday from SBC, and is now a fully fledged and ordained pastor. But he's chosen to take up a full-time christan worker job, without the baggage of being a pastor. Ah well. Its what he's always wanted. I must say I have a sneaking suspicion he chose the right thing to do.

This morning, I woke up at 7 to go down to the airport. Did my quiet time there, then met up with Syl and her repetoire of friends all there to send her off. 3 months ain't exactly a long period of time, nor is it a terribly short one at that. So I guess most of us wanted to send her off more as an encouragement to her. After all, she has actually been one of the few people in my life who has always consistently been there for me over all these years. Ah well. She'll be back in no time. And at the airport, I had a really good time with Johann. Grins. He just HAD to be wearing the same color combi as Syl. Man, I was in fits straight away.

Anyway, Weimin and Weixiu had a major nust-up, and Weimin seems to be on a one-way course towards the same self-destructive tendencies that caused me to lose my scholarship and degree, and Paul to lose his driving license and job. Well... at least, I can see that on the cards if she doesn't do something about it. All the classic signs are there. I guess she's big enough now that I shd just let her know I'm concerned, but le her go ahead and make the mistakes if she's bent on them. At least, if it does happen, she'll be trodding a very familiar path to me, and she'll have company. Grins.

Enhan came back from Bintan requiring stitches on his face cos of a fall he suffered, and the bugger still hasn't contacted me to say anything. Sigh.

Ah well. And I bumped into Evelyn not too long ago, who told me that there's a vacancy slot at YMCA, for Programme Executive. Man, if I get the job, it'll be really great cos school is just nearby. Only problem will be that it also means I'll be in Dhoby Ghaut 7 days a week. Not exactly a very exciting prospect.

My mood's been very very erratic lately also. Haven't really been feeling depressed, but also this sense of... ... I dunno. I'd say suspended anticipation, if you wanted a gut feel. But I have no earthly idea what the hell I'm anticipating.

Mebbe Fiona.

Muahahahahaha...

More likely, the next big disaster in my life.

Sigh.

Maybe

I wonder if its possible to live a life where we all an claim we have very few regrets. I wonder what such a life would have looked like. Would I have considered it simply to be myopic in that it simpo means he wasn't open to the other possibilities having been even worth a consideration? Or would I have seen the person to have been bold enough, and steadfast too, to have gone ahead in pursuit of what he has decided on. Like the Sinatra song, the man who goes on his life celebrating that he can say "I did it my way."

What would it be like to live that way? I can't even begin to imagine, much less imagine myself ever getting there. Very much a could-have-been sort of guy, I guess I spend a lot of time lost in my muses of the things in my life that could have been if I had taken a different turn down the road of my life. If I had made it into RI, which my sister desperately wanted me to try for (for the record, thank God I didn't..), if I had gone into NJ like I always wanted instead of choosing to stay in SAJC, if I had chosen to pursue my studies in the science field instead of the arts (since I always did score better in science), if I had joined Navigators instead of Campus Crusade... just how would my life have looked like?

And I can't imagine myself being able to say that of all the thousand upon thousands of decisions I've made in my life, I've lived it all without a lot of regrets. The song seems to resound with nothing more than just sheer bravado. Maybe the only ones who sing the song are those who don't ever wonder about how things could have been otherwise, or who chose not to allow for the possibilities that always are.

And regrets are as much about the things that had been said and done, as they are about the things left unsaid and undone. The encouragement I failed to give, the promise of prayer that I failed to keep, the forgiveness I never did beg, and even the words of rebuke I shd have given but chose to withold. It seems that everyday when I reflect upon the day that had passed, there are so many things I wish I had done differently. Words I would have said differently, food that I should have stayed away from (hehz...), acts that I should have weighed more carefully before doing, and many other things which I shd have but didn't do...

Maybe that's why life has been such a burden sometimes. Maybe that's why I wonder why I always feel more defeated than victorious in my life. Maybe that's why I have such a pre-occupation with redeeming my past. Maybe that's why I spend so much time looking back, and getting trapped in the past. The accumulation of regrets only increase with each passing day, and so everyday I wake up with an even greater sense of urgency that I shd do something about it - matched only by the lethargy brought on by the despair of the assumption that its too late, that there are too many things to be put right for it to be done. Crippled by the fear of demons that I've made up inside my own head, as Jars of Clay sang.

Maybe that's why I still can't sleep. Maybe that's why my sleep keeps being haunted by dreams. A lot of strange dreams. Bad dreams, bizaare dreams, deja-vu dreams...

So much so that I'm afriad to even go to bed.

Pretty Much Rambling

Had actually typed a really really long entry last night but it somehow got lost. Was so pissed.

Anyway, the weekened was pretty eventful. Went for the IDMC conference, at Covenant EFC, and the theme for the year was on the whole topic of post-modernity. Expecting to cover both the conceptual aspects of post-modernity, covering the whole social movement that led to the phenomena, followed by a coverage of how this relates to the church, then ending up with a more practical session on how the church can adapt to better reach out to the society at large, I guess I was pretty impressed that we did very little of all that.

Sure enough, we covered the philosophy of post-modernism, the culture that is post-modernity, and also traced some of the theological pitfalls of the movement... but the challenge issued at the end of the day by Edmund Chan hit me in a pretty profound manner.

He pointed us back to Ecclesiastes, and what the Teacher had to say about all the pursuits and happenings of the world. He was the one who tried just about everything, and found it all meaningless. He was the one who said that there is actually "nothing new under the sun". And he was the one who eventually concluded that the conclusion was very simple - fear God, and keep His commandments.

And the only way to do that is to firstly be biblically literate, then biblically competent. Its so simple. Yet so few of us, myself included, know our bible even a quater as well as we know our text books. As a literature student, I think I am doubly guilty of that. I can quote chunks out of certain of my lit texts that I liked. I can pick them up again after a few years, and re-read it with delight. Yet I can't remember the last time I've taken any delight in the bible, nor mastered it to any form of degree as my lit texts. I've been content with a general hazy opinion of what it says, and seldom have I tried to find out what it exactly says. Instead, I try to supplement myself at best with christian books that speaks of the bible, without actually reading the main text.

Kindda like doing Macbeth by reading only commentaries abou it, while not even reading through the text itself once, then sitting for my A'levels. Hehz...

And I guess at the conference, it was a humbling experience to once again realise that sometimes its so easy to get myself right before God, and embark on the straighter path towards God. Its always the call to return to the Bible, and be grounded in it. To keep the Word of God in my heart, as the psalmist says.

So simple.

Yet so hard to do.

Sunday marked the end of another major milestone in both my life and in the church. It was the very last week of our Youth Service. After 4 years of struggle and toil, the church has finally decided to adopt the Youth Service as the second service in the church. Even as there is much cause for thanksgiving and celebration, there is also a great sense of reluctance to put the youth Serbice down, and to go in the direction of the church. For the Youth Service had been our dream and labour of love for som many years amongst the few of us who were there when it all began. None of us felt ready to take up the challenge when we first began. but we all went into it because we felt it was going to be a decision we would all regret if we had turned the offer down.

So we kindda plunged headlong into it, in a rather foolhardy way. As a result, we witnessed the fallout between Andrew and the church leadership, the political strife that went on as a result of that. We also witnessed a lot of divisions within our congregation as well, many resistant to the changes that starting the Youth Service brought. I saw Henry leave the church for a full year, and the Levite Ministry struggling very hard to bear up under the load of leadership. I saw our numbers dwindle, and our youths opting to go to the Adult Service instead.

Then I witnessed the hand of God. With the arrival of Li Juan, and the step down of Andrew, the leadesrhip began to heal the division from within. Renji manfully soldiered on with a camp when everyone was telling him how stupid and foolish it would have been to keep it up - and we now are tasting the fruits of the community the camp planted and nurtured. And now that we have gotten our momentum going with the launch of our very own Discipleship Ministry, we are told we have to yet again move forward, and take on our new position as the second service in the church.

Its really an experience unlike any other I've ever gone through, seeing how God is truly the God of Providence. (Hehz... pun intended. But deserved, I feel.) In the past, the Israelites would always build and altar after God has intervened in their lives in a powerful way. And I can't help but wonder what sort of altar should be build in our service, to remind ourselves in the days to come, of how the Lord has always proven Himself to be the God who is faithful, even after we have all proven to have been faithless. 4 years ago, the opposition against our youth service was fierce amongst the leadership at the top. Andrew was the only one, it seemed, who was championing our cause. 4 years down, God has done an amazing reversal. The Youth Service that Andrew tried to close down has been endorsed by our leadership, and asked to serve as the second service of the church. Just on sunday, at my gym, with Jingliang and Henry, we were marvelling how God can really turn things around if we but give Him time, and have faith in Him.

The past few 2 or three weeks have been weeks where I've asked myself a lot of questions. Just the other day over lunch with Serene, she again asked me where am I headed. And I told her I still dunno. I'm still holding odd jobs, I still have no clue as to where I'm headed in life, and I don't seem to be moving anywhere at all - be it backwards or forward.

Sigh.

Its been a long time since I last did a personal retreat with God. Feel like I should do that this week, soon.

Go Liverpool!!!!

I never thought I'd live to see the day I feel like popping out the champagne (alright, mebbe just the beer...) when Liverpool gets into the European Champions League Finals. But seeing them make their way into the finals this year against the odds that they faced, I guess I can't call myself a romantic if I didn't applaud their efforts, and be actually really glad for them.

Oh, of course, there's this really small and insignifiant detail of how they wiped that smirk off the face of Chelsea and Jose Mourinho, that definitely made tonight sweeter. Have a tough week ahead, but I can honestly say I don't regret a single minute of staying up tonight.

Hehz.. Heineken ran this really cute ad straight after the march as well. Against a black backdrop, came the voice over that said "You've just watch the European Champions League, live on Five"... then came the captions on the screen that said "Now its your turn to exercise", before fading to show the Heineken graphics with the voiceover "Brought to you by Heineken". Man, that really cracked me up.

And oh, you'll notice that I've put up a song column on my left, and have started playing songs on my blog. On my lesser days when I dun really have a lot to say, these songs will just change, as my mood does. The current track called "Please Don't Send Me To Africa", always comes to mind around mission trip time, because its actually a song that spoke to me very much when I went to Nagoya 4 years ago. I first heard it when I was in secondary school, and was struck by the satire of the lyrics. I remember laughing along with the song, and the mime that came with the presentation, but after going home I found that I couldn't laugh the song off. The chance to do missions never relly materialized since then, until my second year in Crusade. Decided I can't chicken out anymore, and it was a decision I never did regret. 4 and a half weeks there changed my perception of missions in ways no amount of preaching or songs ever could.

Have an IDMC conference coming up. Pretty excited by it. Wanted to go last year, but couldn't make it. No way was I gonna skip it this year. I do hope more people will be going that I'm just unaware of, otherwise I will yet again be reprising my role of the big lightbulb, when attending it with Henry and Bernice.

SIIIGGGGGHHHHH......

Still haven't been able to sleep well. The weather's still acting really crazy, and I keep having really disturbing dreams all night long that keeps me up. Dammit. Don't know what's wrong with me.

Ah well. At least my current mood is HAPPY.

Grins.

Sleep Deprivation Is Not Funny

No, its not.

And its the same old story here, on a sunday morning, where I need to wake up in a few hour's time to first lead worship, then lead cell bible stury, then go for my customary sunday 5km run.

SSSIIIIIIGGGGGHHHHH....

Its been a pretty eventful weekend so far. Went down to Syl's house on fri morning, supposed to wait with her for the pest control guy to show up at her house, which he never did. But we had a pretty good chat that morning. Its been a while since we had a good talk, and so that was a good morning. Met Sophie for lunch after that, and come to think of it all, its prob been more than 3 years since we last sat down to catch up. Man, time really flies. Met Weiling, another long-time friend by chance in the late evening after class, and we chatted for a while. Sadly, the very next morning I received news about her again - her dad just passed away from cancer in the early morning. Was a little freaked out by it, since she had only just contemplated out loud the night before whether or not to go visit her dad at the hospital.

This morning we played badminton, where Huilin actually showed up. Another rare appearance by old friends of mine. Went for the CF training after that, where today on 3 girls showed up. But we had a pretty good discussion together, and I'm actually glad to be getting to know a very different crowd from the one I'm used to in church. After that, we had core group meeting, then I met up with Daoxing, Ruth and Minghui for dinner, cos they all were near church. And then... *drumroll* ... we bumped into Grace, also having dinner at Paradiz, and she was with a guy!!!! *gasp*

Grins.

I think if she really did get attached, it'll actually be a load off my mind, knowing that it closes the relationship we had at yet another level. And it also serves as a reminder that I had better do something about myself, and land the dream babe of my... err... dreams.

Tee hee.

Was doing a couple of quizes of my friends the other day, and both of them had listed their greatest ambitions as being the loving wife and mother of someone. Hahahaha... Riiight.

I remember musing to myself awhile ago, just how easily we forget the standards we set for ourselves. We start off telling ourselves that love ought to be unconditional. Not based on looks, material wealth, or any form of external attributes. Then we look around ourselves and see that its impossible to do that. So from altruism we step aside to make way for pragmatism. We plan for our futures, and try our best to secure our futures when deciding who to end up with. Then we look at all the failed marriages of our parents, and realizes pragmatism works in a business partnership, not a marriage. So we tell ourselves to go for what really matters - that she loves me, and I love her. That she proves to be faithful, and he proves to be steadfast. And for a while, we bask in the belief that we've found what really matters.

Those who actually get that far are already few and far between. Most would have just settled for something less, and convined themselves that they're only living in "the real world". Funny thing is, of the rare few who have ventured thus far in the quest for love, they soon start forgetting what its all about. "As long as you truly loves me" becomes gradually replaced with "If you loved me, you would...", and we begin to place expectations on each other, whether consciously or sub-consciously. So we start thinking to ourselves "If I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with her, she'd better... ... otherwise it would only result in... ..." So we justify our expectations again with pragmatism, and wonder why we are again disappointed when the love we thought we found again falls short.

Funny creatures, we all are...

Chelsea just beat Bolton to register their first League Title in 50 years. Damn. Don't get me wrong, they have a really solid team, and probably deserved to win. But I just can't wait to see the day someone wipes the smirk off Mourinho's face, arrogant prick that he is.

I'm aching slightly from this morning's badminton, and I still have a big big blister on the second toe of my left feet. Hope I can actually run tmr... I already didn't do it last week. Can't miss these runs anymore. Running outta time man...

Oh by the way, remember the quiz I mentioned?

Syl sugested I post it here, and so I shall after all.


http://www.quizyourfriends.com/yourquiz.php?quizname=050429004203-538020

Have a go... and just dun start leaving comments all over here again to complain about the questions, or to just take a shot at me.

Bleah.