Dear Lord...

Lord, the past week has been nothing short of overwhelming. I was looking forward to this past week as a welcome rest after all the hassle of the wedding. Yet by wednesday I had found myself wishing I was back at one week before the wedding, so much less I had seemed to have on my plate.

I imagined having time to take stock of myself, and to just think of all that had happened, coming to terms with the reality of my sister's marriage to Joseph. I thought I'd be able to slowly ease myself back into the studying frame of mind. I had pictured myself doing so many things. Yet maybe they're right when they say that you love to make a man eat his words and swallow his plans. They say you love to watch a man struggle to keep his head above the water, delighting in the instance that he will finally see beyond himself and call out to you for help.

Lots of things they say about you, Lord. And many a times like this, I'm tempted to believe them. I was told just last night that I have a gift of opening pple up, that somehow I'm able to be a comfort to them in the midst of their pain and troubles. I was told before many times that I'm one of the happiest persons they know, always able to smile and put on a brave face no matter what had come my way. Some have even been kind enough to tell me that they think I'm pretty mature in my thoughts, while others pay me compliments of being nice, generous and patient just to name a few.

Yet if I were ever asked to say something about you that the pulpit does not usually say, I'd tell them you were the God of Ironies. How else do I explain why I know of people who somehow appreciate my company enough to confide in me, and tell me my presence and my words have helped, when there are so many times alone in my room when I feel so desperately lonely, finding it unbearable to be with myself?

How else do I explain why I’m never short of female companionship, yet always missing out on the best friend of my life?

Why else would there be so many who see me as cheerful and positive, when aside from my facades that I assume in the company of others, there've also been plenty of my melancholia I no longer hide, which people don't recognize as being part of who I really am?

How else do I explain how I can encourage most around me and sort out their problems for them, when my life remains such an unmitigated mess?

Lord, sometimes I feel like my life is nothing short of an unending chain of ironies. Maybe that explains my brand of humour, and my take on life – always tinged with a slight trace of cynicism. Yet beneath the surface of that bravado, I somehow still carry deep within me the optimism and hope that I’m wrong, that somehow you’ll still make sense for me, of all the crazy things that seem to happen around me.

This world somehow seems bent on telling you that this is a great place to be in, with the seemingly endless varieties and potential it promises, only to take each dream you’ve built up along the way, and shatter it into an unrecognizable state. And Lord, after a few such experiences, its so easy to give up on my dreams already. Go through the machinery of life and see it through to the end seems to become the motto. Follow through on the conveyor belt like everyone else, and try not to end up as a defective product. That seems to have become the new ideal, the new dream. And so many of us have learnt to couch it in more spiritual terms, assuming a pseudo-heart of thanksgiving and contentment. So much so that we don’t recognize the value of dreaming and reaching for the fullness of life you’ve promised.

On my worst days, I start thinking that I’m falling into that trap. Getting a little too engrossed in my work, I begin to value my rest time above the level of commitment I gave – not in terms of the time I put in, but in terms of the willingness to participate. And as I start berating myself for the blurring of my priorities, my internal debate begins again, justifying to myself my course of actions and at the same time refusing to believe its legitimacy. At the end of the day, I just end up being more and more disappointed in myself.

Maybe that’s why tonight and for the past few days, this song has persistently haunted me. Cos in the midst of all that goes on inside my head, of the demons I’ve made for myself in my life, there are always those brief moments of respite that you offer… a slight glimpse of yourself here and there, an inexplicable change in attitude out of the blue that chases the clouds away for that one day, that somehow keeps me sane and safe in this crazy world.

Maybe this is a little of how Job felt after you showed yourself, yet refused to answer a single one of his questions. Somehow just your very presence offered the comfort that made all words superfluous.

I’ll need more of that in the upcoming weeks, Lord. All the way till I celebrate your birth here in this crazy world you made, that we’ve messed up. Until then, this song serves as a prayer to you, for your elusive love that never fails to find me every time I stop searching and wait to be found. A prayer of thanksgiving, and of gratitude… for how you’ve always been so near even when I’m the one who has kept you so far… and I guess even for understanding me in the midst of my incoherent prayers to you…

It’s a new week again, Lord.

Office Musings

I once heard this story somewhere, possibly as an illustration in a Ravi Zacharias sermon, where there was a man who stood in a marketplace to tell the people the truth. Day and night, rain and shine, he would be there, shouting at the top of his voice, the truth he believes in.

At first, he was a novelty and a curios. Then he was a bore. He finally became an irritant, and a liability to the marketplace. They hurled their insults at him, their rotten vegetables and meat, and ridiculed the things he was saying. They threw him out of the marketplace, and chastised all those who would pause to listen to what he had to hear.

“Have nothing to do with his nonsense, unless you are as mad as he is”, they would say.

Yet the man persisted in his task.

Finally, a little boy walked over to ask him why he does what he’s been doing. Wouldn’t it have been easier to just walk amongst the crowd, and whisper to a few at a time, or just keep it to himself? Why does he want to incur the wrath of everyone by shouting at the top of his voice, the things that he proclaims?

The man replies, “I used to shout at the marketplace place because I hope for as many people as possible to hear what I have to say. Now, I keep on shouting at the top of my voice to keep myself from forgetting what I wanted others to hear.”

*****************************************************

I learn a little more about myself everyday. This story really struck a chord in me. I realized that sometimes, I’m pretty much doing the same thing. I say the same thing over and over again, and I bore everyone out with basically the same words on my blog. A little bit abt my church life, and a lot more abt my lack of a love life. Of my ideals in a r/s that I’m struggling to keep from compromising, and the little things in the ministry that I always am amazed at, and give thanks for.

For the ways in which Henry and Bernice always provide such a model of servanthood that never fails to humble me everytime I like to entertain the thought that I’m doing more than a lotta pple I see…

For how they’ve also been such ceaseless servants in the ministry that I’ve never hard them whine abt needing to take a break from serving… and how tiring as the ministry may be, somehow we continue to serve with thankful and joyful hearts. And its such a rare trait to find in churches nowadays… pple who dun whine abt how tired they are, but are able to exhibit joy in their selfless service.

I think the day I stop repeating these things to myself, is the day I’ve totally forgotten that which I shd have kept close to my heart. The things that the world is constantly seeking to drown out, but that which I need to always remind myself in order to keep my heart tender enough for His word and His Truth to saturate into my soul.

So I Now Have A Brother In Law...

Yes, its been a really really mad week of activities... and now that my sis has finally been married off, and is now happily on her way to Germany for her honeymoon, I finally have time to take stock of all that has passed.

The week started with my frantic last-minute attempts to write a song for her. The first draft was naturally an unmitigated disaster, absolutely exacerbated by my desire to write it in chinese, since it will be sung in a chinese wedding service. I'm glad to say that I have trashed every copy of the first draft I could get my hands on, and hopefully no copies of it exists anymore on the face of this earth. Yet I stubbornly chose to meet Henry on tue night with that draft, and try to come up with a melody. Naturally, it was an utter and abject failure. We ended up singing lots of other love songs that popped to mind, and had a lotta fun jamming away. But nothing much came out that night. So we were left with thus night as our only alternative practice slot. So on wed night I decided that it was time for me to rise to the occasion and come up with something decent, as a small measure of reciprocation for all the years my sis had been so gracious and loving towards me.

Stopping short of going down on my knees, (tho that would have been my next resort), I was asking God to give me something that I could take to my sister. And how the big guy answered my prayers! 2 hrs that night as I hammered away at the keyboard and finally came up with the lyrics, followed by a whole day of arduous torture at work as I struggled to stay awake, followed by 2 hrs of intense composing, and the song was finally complete. I was so happy then. So the most natural thing to have happened in that moment of euphoria, which was what I did - was to forget to thank God. But nevertheless, somehow if any credit could be taken from me for this song, it would have been that brief prayer I made that night before God, because it certainly couldn't have come from me.

The drama continues tho. Not being all too sure of the song, I decided to go down to Bernice's house to prac it again with Henry on fri, where the worship team were gathering for their practice. That's when we came up with the brilliant idea that we shd turn it into a duet. Actually Henry had already mentioned on thus night after we completed it, that it sounds like a duet song. I concurred - but dismissed the idea since I figured it was too late to find someone on such short notice. Up stepped Sylvia to take up the responsibility. She bravely shouldered the task, praticed it really diligently, and did a lot better than she gave herself credit for. So when saturday came, and we did the song on stage, it is with really minimal humility when I say that of all the many positive feedbacks that I came across of the song, there was very little I dared to even consider attributing to myself. But I guess that's how God always intended His gifts to be.

Interesting, to consider the song as sort of God's wedding gift to the couple...

Hehz...

Friday night marked the beginning of a mad rush to prep the house for the next day's activities. Early in the morning, the sisters all trooped in and took over the house, plotting their devious little 'sabo's for the brothers, and for Joseph. Thinking of how I'm gonna be in the brothers's team soon enough for Xianghui's wedding, I shuddered a little when I overheard all the plans the sisters had in mind. And sure enough, when the brothers and Joseph came, they had do some really disgusting stuff. I managed to dodge the bullet on account of being the bride's brother. Grins.

It was a really hot day, but we gamely trooped over to church after all that for the wedding ceremony. The whole ceremony proceeded really smoothly, and there were many who came up to extend their congratulations. Many relatives, whom I don't even recognize, all called my name and grabbed my hand to speak to me. Was a really really embarrassing time for me man... Hehz... Was thinking to myself just how dead am I gonna be at my own wedding (if I ever manage to con a girl into marrying me, I mean), when it comes to inviting relatives, and greeting them when they show up. Worse was to follow at the tea ceremony, when Jo and my sis had to serve tea and call each relative by their exact 'title'. I think I would have just chosen to jump out of the window.

Then when it was all over, I stayed out with Paul and Stanley to have dinner and a drink while watching Man Utd screw up a match against Spurs. Went home late, tried working on my MC script for the dinner, and realised I was too drunk to think clearly. So slept instead and woke up with a terrific hangover. Went for service, after which we celebrated Enoch and Huilin's birthday. Rushed down to the hotel (thank God for the Lancer. Hehz...) to meet the co-ordinators to finalize plans for the dinner, then had to spend an hour frantically trying to prepare something to say at the dinner. Bathed, then rushed down for all the sound checks and stuff, and never looked back since then.

I thought the dinner was really sweet, I had my fair share of banter with Joseph on stage, and there was enough mush to go around by the various speeches to qualify it as a heart-warming dinner. All in all, I really felt the whole thing went off really well. I had my share of pretty major screw-ups on stage, but I doubt many caught it. I was a little raw, naturally, since it was my first time being an MC... but I think I would have been a tad too harsh with myself if I said I sucked.

*deep breathe*

Here's the song I wrote, for anyone interested in reading it. Yes, Mei, feel free to mock this work of love that is God's gift to the couple...

从今以后

Verse 1:
现在起
你我要学习
从今以后
彼此地相依
不顾前路有多么艰苦
两颗心
永远不分离

Verse 2:
在此刻
只想对你说
从今以后
将与你合一
生命不再
只属于自己
我愿把
一生交给你

Chorus:
从今以后
要学习爱戴与珍惜
从今以后
风雨路陪你走过
天父祂慈爱的看顾
成全我与你
在祂爱里
你我建立
我们的家庭

Bridge:
一生一世在祂爱里
一同经历祂丰盛的慈爱

Last Line:
在祂爱里
你我约定
终生不分离

I've put up the song 我愿意为你 because throughout the whole process of composing the song, we couldn't stop bemoaning the fact that this was such a beautiful song to sing at a wedding. Unfortunately Faye Wong has really made it her own, and made it almost impossible to do a better job of it. As such, any attempts to use it at a wedding would really be awful. But its always a personal favorite. Everytime I read the lyrics, I find myself almost soulishly reaching to every emotion that the lyrics convey....

Weddings always stirs up the same feelings of desire that I have to find someone to share my life with, someone whom I could run to at a moments notice, just because I had a spontaneous urge to tell her I love her. Seeing those couples walking in to the dinner and at the wedding... sometimes I had to remind myself to focus on the things I had to do, and not get caught up in my wistful musings.

But I guess I've said enough abt that, so I shall not prolong this post anymore.

Except to say this...

I'm SO gonna miss my sis.

God's Own Fool

Funny that over dinner I shd with Paul yesterday I shd have just mentioned that the most sensible woman in the world can be an absolute wreck of nerves and senses when it comes to affairs of the heart. And perhaps himself being a pretty good benchmark, lemme expand that to include all people on planet earth. Every bystander can see in the most crystal clear manner possible, just why the relationship is an absolute diasaster - yet the party involved will somehow cling on to the "hope against hope" that time and stubborn resolve would prove its critics wrong. And how we celebrate the odd story in a million where indeed the critics have been confounded, where love in all its grit has triumphed over all.

All that is a prelude to what I just learnt tonight. a friend of mine, inadvertently at first, perhaps... let slip that she had driven all the way to her ex's house, so as to somehow allow the proximity to him (in this case, his car) temper the grief of the broken relationship. Of course, my first reaction was one of astonishment at the desperation the gesture more or less signified. Yet the secondary reaction was one of a sheepish recognition, since I myself have many times been guilty of the same tendency, if not the exact same act.

The many times I would find an excuse for myself to pace Holland Village and Jelita Cold Storage, hoping for a glance of her, an opportunity to 'accidentally' bump into her. How it took me the whole of 2 years to wean myself off the habit of instinctively scanning every room in church that I walk into, hoping to find her there. The times back home when I'd imagine the conversations I'd have if I did bump into her... I guess we all have our indulgences as we try to let go, little by little...

I guess God made love to always be the most illogical thing in the world. When the bible talks abt how the foolishness of God is the wisdom of man, I can think of no better example than the love God displayed. How else could we ever explain a God dying for the sake of us? Sometimes we've heard the message so much that we've become numbed to the sheer ludicrity of such an act.

Somehow God dying for us has become quite a logical thing to do.

And I guess its right about that time that we stop being captivated by the magnitude of God's love, measured against the sheer inanity of His sacrifice. Tonight I find myself very much humbled by the timeless truth of God's love showed in how He sent His Son to die on a cross for my sins. Because when we appreciate the beauty of the act, and not be so quick to apply theology to it, the absurdity of God's gesture would be many times more foolish than the most ridiculous act you could imagine a lover to be capable of. Much more stupid than what my friend did tonight, or that I ever did in the past.

I find myself very much in the mood to celebrate love, suddenly. I spent my dinner trying to wrack my brains with Paul, for a song to sing at my sister's wedding. I've lamented about how my lack of a love life seemed to have stifled my ability to write lyrics that exalts love. I wasn't half as keen as Henry & Bernice were to find a christian song, figuring that a secular one would do just as well. Yet right now, there is a much different picture in my mind, of how the love of a man and woman will always look cheap if it exists in and of itself, measured against the incomparable love of Christ. To thus celebrate a marriage without that Sovereign Love as the backdrop of it all would very much cheapen any love story, no matter how much the couple in question feel like they're fulfilled.

Michael Card always writes songs like no one else I know. His lyrics paint pictures in your head that would have put to shame anyone who believed that "a picture paints a thousand words". Tonight this song somehow surprised me by touching off something inside of me.

God really makes all things beautiful in His own time.

Life's Ironies

Slow day at work.

Slow meaning I need to slow down cos I'm spoiling market by producing too many too fast. So unless I slow down now, I'm gonna have 2 pairs of eyes glaring... no, make that staring - at me.

Grins.

Anyway, I just thought that it was really funny this morning that the news reported Wayne Rooney was passed fit to play for England in the match against Poland. What tickled me was learning he had a late injury scare in training, when - get this - his ankle was clipped... by Peter Crouch.

Muahahaha... for the football unsavvy, Rooney is just back from serving his suspension, and was poised to take back his position in the team... currently occupied by Crouch.

Hehz...

My week

England just posted a 1-0 win against Austria, with my dear Beckham again being sent off. No doubt he'll be crying to the media once again about how he's been the victim of a harsh decision, after which will follow stories of huge conspiracies against him.

The whole week has sped past me so fast. Its scary to think that the wedding is just 2 weeks away from now. So many things are still so unsettled. I still dunno what song to sing (the rehearsal is on thursday), I still haven't worked out with anyone the sequence for the dinner (I'm the emcee), I need to cut my hair, decide on what to wear so I can borrow the appropriate ties from Paul (yes darling, I'm gonna need to borrow them, by the way...), just to list some of the more major things I have yet to do for the wedding.

Its really scary. I can't even begin to imagine how my sis must be feeling.

Married.

As much as we all mull so much over whether or not this is the right one for me, we acknowledge the uncertainty of it all evne within a r/s... how much more scary it is to step into such an uncertain and irrevocable position as to be married to that someone? Some people fear death because of the uncertainty ahead - no one knows what's gonna happen whe you cross over to the other side. And as much as there is an irony here about using death as the analogy, I guess that's really the greatest doubt that crosses everyone's mind.

Man...

Weixiu's already making such a big meal out of just getting attached. I think I shd tell her boyfriend to propose on their first date out, cos it'll prob take her the next 20 yrs to decide to say yes.

Grins.

My manager's returning next week, so there goes my goofing off in the office. Sigh. Things just always seem to be getting tougher and tougher eveywhere. I'm just gonna be glad once the month is over, cos it'll mean the wedding's over and done with - and that I'll have gotten my first full paycheck. Hehz... Yes, I owe Weixiu a treat. Hmm... thinking MacDonald's or KFC...

Wuahahahahaha...

This week of talking to so many pple, and the topic mainly abt r/s, I guess its sort of stirred up in me again longings that I thought I had put down pretty well already. I told myself that I'd wait till I graduated before I considered dating, but with a lot of the cobversations lately centering about how timing is so important in getting hitched to the right person, I'm wondering if I shd let my 3-yr window be a determining factor in deciding whether or not its bad timing... So that if opportunity comes up, I'd actually go for it instead of sticking by my decision to wait it out.

Cos its a really lonely path to tread alone. I've always wanted to bring my own girlfriend to my sis's wedding. Or at least I had always pictured bringing Grace. To somehow now be going there alone suddenly made me again think abt how the future we had envisioned together, and the dreams we had built up over 4 yrs, has all come to naught now. As much as that somehow makes me very cautious abt getting into another r/s again, there's at the same time the desire to build new dreams with someone else, and to try again to make it work this time round.

Its the same sort of impulse as what you get when you play a game and lose... you wanna straight away give it a second try, and hopefully get it right this time round.

But it just sounds so silly when I equate it to a game.

Sigh.

But ah well.

Tmr will be the last time I run... before the wedding, at least. Its been a good 5 months' worth of work, and I think I do feel a lot healthier, if not for that knee of mine which I suspect will soon have to go. It hurts pretty badly nowadays, even when I'm just walking up the stairs. Not sure what I shd do about it, actually. But tmr I'm sure gonna just give it the run of my life... and hope the knee holds up. It'll be so ironic now if I end up going to the wedding with crutches.

Grins.

Its been a pretty emotinally trying few weeks for everyone, and I've noticed a few people breaking down on various occaions... some very subtle and unnoticeable unless you were aware of what to look out for. Yet such heavy-heartedness has been a very tangible presence, and in many ways contributed to the very low-energy feeling in ministry lately. Tonight at worship prac, Bernice was again sharing so many things that were pressing on her, many of which I can really empathize with.

I know I say it very often.... and don't do it half as much.. I really feel the very heavy burden to be praying more. There's this mental picture that comes to mind where I imagine God just hovering around, waiting for us to really start praying, upon which He will step in to do his work... yet it seems that even though its so simple, we just seem to busy ourselves with everything except pray.

We can really be such silly creature sometimes.

Anyway, I've put up another old song that I've found. Pity I can't do it for my sis's wedding. I gebuinely think its a really sweet song, and so cute.

Ah well.

Mebbe I'll use it for mine.

Wuahahahahahaha...

Fridays I'm In Love

Hehz... no, nothing abt love... just thinking abt the song... since its friday... Mebbe I'll put it up tonight. =)

Here I am, in the office on a friday morning, more than an hour early. But I do enjoy the peace and quiet it offers me... esp after yesterday's trauma of working the whole day alone cos everyone else is on off, MC, or in training.

Its been a pretty fast week... starting with some guys going off on training, but a newcomer coming in. Yesterday was Weixiu's birthday, and I was helping Kevin co-ordinate her birthday surprise in the office. So there've been my fair share of things to keep me occupied...

I've been feeling so exhausted lately from the flurry of things. Was supposed to have a rehearsal last night for Wendy's function next wk, but turned out that the actual thing falls on the same day as my sis's wedding rehearsal, so I had to cancel. Felt pretty bad... Speaking of which, I have yet to pick a song to sing. Shit man. I only seem to be able to think of goofy funny songs. And if I ever do something like that, I'll never be able to go home again after that.

My knee's really bad also, for some reason. Didn't run on sunday, feeling really lethargic now... I think this week die die als must run already... I need to work out a little, just to limber up a little man.. feeling like a slug now.

A really big slug.

A really really large slug.

A really really really large slug that isn't moving much...

Erm, you get the picture...

Of course, my buddy ain't having the best of times in his life. (Then again, I can't remember the last time he wasn't in the midst of one crisis, moving into another one. At least this time round I'm happy for him. Grins.) Between work and lessons, I guess its easy to drown out our thoughts with things that tire us out... And even as he struggles to cope with his... loss (was tempted to putdown 'gain' instead), I'm also trying my best to muster the strength to adjust myself to the rigours of having to study after working hours. Its pretty tortuous.

Found out a lotta things lately what's going on in a few pple's r/s, crushes on pple... budding romances... lost oportunities... tough decisions... I guess its the only thing left that's keeping me alive. Not that I'm gloating and feeding off other pple's misery, or that I'm so mean as to find joy in what they're going through, but there's a part of me that looks at all that's going on with a great deal of amusement.

We're all such strange creatures, living in such a paradoxical existence. We want to use our heads to make decisions about the heart, then wonder why we don't feel anything. We enjoy the ambiguity of a friendship, yet demand (at least to ourselves) that lines be so clearly drawn that the friendship itself is no longer alive. And for me, sometimes its so tempting to draw away when getting close to someone, yet the yearning at the same time to get even close than I've already come.

Whatever the case, its fri... another week has come and gone. I think I'm playing for Bernice this week... Hope I do better than I did last week. Hehz... Stupid Mingyang actually taped the worship, so I'm gonna have to endure hearing myself play.... Help.

Had a lot to say, but decided I'm not having a coherent night.

Just to say that this song goes out to someone, as an encouragment to her. Kudos for having made a tough decision, albeit after mulling over the matter longer than a turtle takes to complete a marathon.

Grins.

Its been a bad week, actually. So much has been happening to those dear to me, its actually weighing me down. Everyone's energy level seems so low...

Must... pray... more...

Life & Handphones...

Tonight for the first time I saw the Nokia 8800 handphone outside of the shops. Quite a rare sight, given its $1.4k price tag. It kindda stayed in my mind, after which I was observing the myriads of handphone models on display on the bus ride home… Each displaying to a different degree the kind of choices it owners made, some due to choice of features, most due to budgetary constraints, and some even due to a lack of proper consideration.

Lame as it might seem to some, I guess it suddenly struck me that life is pretty much like that sometimes. We have the few amongst us whose life seem to be the perfect example of what we want – the Nokia 8800. The epitome of success, with its all encompassing features squeezed into a very compact and aesthetically pleasing shape. Class, elegance and sophistication all rolled up into one. And every common man (well, almost every la…) aspires to that, forgetting that given its rarity, it actually is what’s unreal, as compared to what the rest of the real world actually carries around. (After all, real people carry cheap handphones that are scratched in one corner and cracked in another, just as real people life lives of insufficiencies and inadequacies...)

Ain’t that what we all are like in life? With the measure that been dealt us in life, we each are allotted our own ‘handphones’ – some are flashy, some are plain. So often we won’t really use a feature in the handphone, but we’d much rather have it in the phone if possible, thank you. After all, we all want our phones to be as close to the Nokia 8800 as possible, don't we?

So it is with our lives.

We are so eager to equip ourselves materially and technically (piano... ballet... third, fourth and fifth language… courses on everything under the sun…), that we seldom pause to think abt what we really want to do with it, except that we don’t want to lose out to others. So if the package deal offers me a Bluetooth headset that comes with the phone, I’ll gladly choose that over the other phone at the same price which doesn’t have the same feature – even tho chances are I’ll use the headset once and never touch it again cos I can’t figure it out.

We’re such funny beings… by nature so keen to avoid losing out that we end up being dictated by what others have – we’ve gotta make sure we don’t end up disadvantaged by them. Whatever happened to living life being true to ourselves, and being who we want to be? I’ll tell you – we’ve ended up just wanting to be better than others.

So my choice of handphones in many way reflects the way I choose to live my life. My own paper chase today is the result of the same mentality. What the heck am I doing with a degree in management, I don’t know. Just that I’m told in today’s society, you’ll lose out if you don’t get one. I got myself a driving license only to end up with a self-imposed ban on driving. I’m always told to go take up courses in IT, in another language, cos it helps improve and upgrade me…

I’m left wondering – improve me from what to what? Am I a worser person for not having a cert in another language, or not having a mind of my own (or a life of my own, for that matter)?

So why the paper chase, to be brighter and more successful than others? My Motorola v3 phone works basically the same way as my old Nokia 6100 (which cost a fraction of the price), so after the initial hype of it wears off, I’m wondering how its really “improved” my life. I get the odd perks from girls who ogle at the phone (instead of me, ironically), but not much else.

Working and studying has proved more hectic than I imagined myself to be coping with. News that Gabriel has already quit studying really isn’t the kind of motivation I needed. So the temptation is great to just get a job, and try to be like one of those stories that always get thrown at you, of someone who had nothing, and worked his way from the bottom to a management position through hard work.

So as I think abt it, the only reasons that keep me in my degree would be

1. So that my future girlfriend’s mom won’t harp about how her daughter’s apparently marrying down.
2. Did I mention how its probably easier to get a girl if you have a degree?
3. So that its an option if I really do consider going into seminary next time.
4. So that I possess a bit more credibility when I speak, in a very materialistic world that judges a man by his worldly achievements.
5. Because it actually does help me to think… and I’m learning some stuff that I’m interested in knowing more about.
6. Just to appease my whole family who’s so hung up about the fact that a member of the family actually failed to secure a degree.
7. Still trying to prove a point to myself. I’ll tell you again when I’ve figured out what point I’m trying to prove. Something abt how I’m not an abject failure.

Well there you go.

One small qualifier… I’m not against personal upgrading. Henry wouldn’t have been where he is today if his parents hadn’t forced him to cultivate a skill that would eventually become his passion. None of us got to where we are without hard work in something that we’ve all come to be adept in, that we’ve come to enjoy.

But surely everything needs to possess a degree (pardon the pun there,) beyond which it just becomes a mindless chasing after useless things. “A chasing after the wind”, as the Bible likes to call it. I hear of kids going for financial planning courses, etiquette lessons, drama and singing classes, on top of the traditional and customary ballet and piano lessons… all this on top of tuition for any and every lesson in the curriculum in school… and I’m wondering if we only have ourselves to blame when we see our kids turning worldly wise way before their time, when their innocent childhood is snuffed out by the age of three with the worldly wisdom that says we need to prepare our children to be the best next time, so that they can make something of their lives.

Kindda like forcing all the features into a handphone, paying $1.4k for it, and getting a phone that we end up pretty much using just like any other – only that its a lot more brittle.

I wonder if I’d grow up to be half as jovial as I am today (or at least when I try to be)… if I was born in the past 5 years…

Everything In Its Time

Do I really sound very sad lately? So much has been made of my recent posts than usual, that I wonder if its just a wierd confluence of coincidence that everyone is at the same time reading my most recent posts and wondering if I'm teetering on the brink of a nervous breakdown, or if I'm genuinely sadder lately, so much so that I don't even realise it.

Well first of all, I guess you'll never ever hear me blog when I'm happy. I'm too busy enjoying myself to care abt this ugly one-eyed monster on my table, to reproduce on it my ecstasy and exhilaration. (Of course, if Fiona shows up and kisses me, it'll definitely go into my blog, don't get me wrong. But even then it'll be only the following week, after I wake up from my semi-comatose euphoria.) So most of the time, my blog won't be made up of my happy thoughts.

Secondly, I share my happy thoughts with friends, since its more readily something they can identify with, and celebrate with me. Its harder to find a friend who will empathize and commiserate with your misery and insecurities. (Don't get me wrong, friends do try, they really do. But 9 out of 10 times, their attempts either fall flat, or else their patience very quickly gives way to their chicken-soup-for-the-soul advice which they expect you to act upon immediately.) Thus the modus operandi where depressing thoughts end up on my blog, where actually much closer friends still get a look into what goes on behind the facade of joy I show everyone else, while the rest gets to share in my joy, and be the recipients of my attempts to keep them from ever becoming what I really am inside.

Much has also been made about my seemingly endless drivel over relationships, and my seeming obsession with finding myself someone whom I can call my own. Well... I can't really change who I am, and the thoughts that involuntarily occupy my mind the minute I give it free play when I'm tired of purpose-driving/directing all my thoughts. So rather than having friends put up with my endless gushings abt the virtues of having a soulmate in my conversations with them, I leave thoughts as such on the web, where you can choose to read them, or pass them over when you are tired of hearing of it.

As for something else a few have been asking me lately, I guess all I can say is that I won't really ever give a straight answer when anyone ever asks me if I really do have someone on my mind, someone whom I'm currently privately pinning for. The reaons are manifold, but the more salient ones are firstly because I need time to think and consider if its just some silly thoughts I'm entertaining, or if its something worth pursuing further. Having the opinions and the potential encouragement/discouragement from well-meaning friends only serves to muddy up the waters more, leaving me with even less than the rat's ass of a chance I originally had of thinking through things clearly.

Secondly, I always felt that telling someone else who you are interested in, leaves a very binding obligation on you somehow, making it necessary to justify later on why you've moved on, something I'd rather not have to do. And once I've confided in that person of the second or third girl that comes into my considerations later on, the whole process makes me at once feel like I'm too easy with liking a girl (I'm not), then also like I'm too picky and fickle minded (I hope I'm not). The act of confiding in that person is also soon cheapened to talking abt the latest crush I have, an act that in the future might serve to undermine any genuine relationships that might have developed had I been less cavalier in my approach.

Thirdly, I think its unfair to the girl. I think I receive waaaaay too much of the spotlight (my fault, I'll readily admit) when it comes to speculation as to whom I'll end up dating next. If I ever make it known who I'm interested in, I think it puts a lot of undeserved pressure and attention on her, something I'd never ever dream of wanting to inflict on her, esp if I claimed to love her. To the one whom I've confided my secret affections in, that person will never be able to look at the girl in the same light again, and it might even in some way affect their own friendship.

So, forgive me if I never ever come right out to admit if I like someone, or who it is. Quite a number have read my past few posts, and speculated that my tone and voice would indicate that I currently carry a torch for someone. One has even speculated that my recent 'depression', which was presumably picked up from my blog's tone, was due to my unrequited affections, which I in turn blogged about.

Be that as it may. Naturally, I won't admit to anything, be it true or false. But I guess the facts remain the same - between work and ministry, not to mention school and family, its gotta be a girl who wants me really bad in return, to even consider starting a relationship, much less an affection that's just one-sided. So whether or not there's someone on my mind, I don't see myself getting attached for the next three yrs.

Hehz.. so there you go.

Maybe that explains my melancholia.

After all, after a hard day's work and study, you kindda all the more wish there was someone to go home to. To have a voice on the phone to look forward to, and a person behind that voice that provides me with a point of focus so I don't get lost in the flurry of my activities. To somehow stare in the face the fact that it will be denied me till I've passed through this valley on my own, can be a pretty daunting task. No one says I have to go through it with an affected smile and positivism.

Perhaps next month some things will improve, or even if it doesn't, maybe my mood will somehow perk up.

*shrug*

I shall bide my time.

And for all those who visit this site, thanks for your concern and questions. Do bide my time with me.