Celebrating X'mas

Haven’t really been sleeping at all for a week. There’s just been so much running through my mind that I find my sleep to be short, disturbed, and hardly restful. With the sleep deprivation comes the inability to think properly, nor the capacity to take on what has come my way. So with the exception of just an unfortunate few to whom I rant and vent, I’ve spent the rest of my time closing myself off from pple.

I went to Lanlab just now for a game with Paul. Its been so long since my last time there, I didn’t even know they changed the registering format. But I was desperate to do something mindless… something that will distract me from my thoughts, and take my mind off it for a while. And I guess it worked, for a while. Yet I walked away from the LAN shop tonight knowing that its probably one of the last times I step in there. It just doesn’t seem to adequate anymore. I seem to have totally lost the passion. Just feel pretty numb.

I find myself asking what seems to have gone wrong. Why is it that my blog posts are littered with accounts of ruined relationships, and of ties that have soured, sometimes irreparably? Is it me? Am I just always just so unfortunate to be in the thick of it? Am I the one causing it? Am I the one who is somehow a drama-mama, drawn to the tension and the intensity of emotions? Am I so obsessed with the dark side of things that I never notice the good, but make such a meal out of the bad?

Or is it just all of us? Have we all somehow forgotten how to deal with people? Have we all lost the inability to love those around us? Have we all started demanding too much, raising expectations of each other to levels that make us run away? Given how love always seems to run contrary to logic, have we all become so used to thinking through our relationships, and lost the inability to just “sense-ably” feel our way through the murky waters of right and wrong?

I don’t know. I guess it’s a little of just about everything, and then more. And I find myself more and more doubting myself, my character and my ability to do what’s right over the past few days.

Of things that I suspected, but decided it was easier to shrug off. Of the many ways I am responsible for the relationships that have gone wrong. Of the ways in which I have hurt those I care for without doing it knowingly – then stupidly and tactlessly doing it again. Of the ones around me that I have again taken for granted, indulging instead in my own preoccupations. Of the things I used to take pride in myself, such as my ability to perceive and adjudge people/circumstances, which have turned out to be my Achilles heel. Of how even as I sit down to post, there is a part of me that still dares to feel sorry for myself.

I guess for many of the things I’ve done, I can but bring it before God again… begging him to put together again what I have ruined. After all, who else can I turn to?

I try to smile my tears away
I try to keep my cool
Oh but one more door gets in my way
I feel like such a fool
Trampled and bitter
My heart just wants to bleed
And stop believing in me

It feels like nothing is for certain
And that nothing comes for free
When they're lowering the curtain to the
Theatre of my dreams
I stumble and I crumble
And I'm sinking to my knees
But You… You cradle me

One thing that I want to do this Christmas…I want to celebrate the friendships that have lasted down the years, through my ups and downs, twists and turns… of people who have stuck by me through all that have happened. People whom I have known for so long now, who have had the misfortune of seeing my immaturity, my insecurities, my screw-ups, my worst habits and my stubbornness towards changing them. The very people whom I never thank God enough for.

Paul – I guess the years have not been kind to you or me. Yet somehow we’ve managed to still keep up with each other’s steps in life, and we’ve somehow managed to still squeeze each other into our schedules. I’ve come to count on you for your candid take on my life and my foibles, something which you seem always so ready to throw in my face. Grins. Thanks for everything, buddy.

Weixiu – No surprise that your name shd be the next to appear. Seldom does something happen that your name doesn’t come to my mind, to tell you of or to point out to. You’re one of the most cherished and loved sisters in my life, one who has the uncanny ability to make me feel as though you can somehow see right through me. Thanks for always listening, and for allowing me to pretend that I still know better than you in just about everything.

Weimin – you’ve been a curious bundle of headache and joy, doled out in equal portions. Your broodiness and mood swings are two things I always identified with you the most. Yet behind that mask you wear is one of the most tender hearts I have encountered, one that makes me willing to pay almost any price to have you keep it just the way it is. Thanks for always being open with me abt so many things. Don’t worry about how we sometimes seem to drift apart. I’m not going to let that happen. Grins.

Serene – Surprising that it took us so long to talk. Your quiet and selfless giving have come to be two things that I admire the most about you. The past few years of serving and sharing with you have come to deepen that appreciation of the many qualities that have surfaced along the way, such as your capacity to love at any cost to yourself, and your courage to face up to difficult circumstances all your life. Your friendship has come to be a most cherished one, which makes the distance between us now more painful than you’d think. Nevertheless, thank you for all the things you’ve taught me about strength of character… for your honesty and openness towards me, and for the trust you gave me.

Syl – you were one of the first I turned to in the aftermath of my breakup. Always willing to bear with my nonsense, and always ready to see the best in me… Thanks for everything. There’s so much more ahead of you that I see Him leading you towards… it will require much courage and determination for you, to face up to the lessons He’s teaching you, and challenging you. I’ll always be here, be it to pray, to be of help, to give support, or simply just to be there for you.

Mei – surprised to get a mention? Hehz… thanks for always being the one to organize our monthly meet-ups. You’re really one of the very few from NUS that I still meet up with. I’ve always enjoyed the banter we share, and next to the other Baptist in my life, one of the few outside my church circle that I open myself up to. I know I’ve been a sucky fren a lot of times, but thanks for still sticking around…

To Henry and Bernice, who probably will never read it… they’ve been such pillars in my life, esp with regards to just about everything... from service, to my spiritual walk, to even my own life. Its been such a joy to have them walking beside me in my life, two people whom I have so much to learn from, about God-centredness and gentleness. I can’t imagine what it would be like to ever lose their fellowship.

I guess I shall stop here. With a little luck and a lot of hope, I need to catch some sleep before work. I’m praying that I won’t wake up and forget to celebrate X’mas this year… celebrating the incredible friendships in my life that God has always been blessing me with.