This post was inspired by my row with a friend. So to all my faithful readers/lifeless sods who continue to visit this semi-hibernated page, I wonder what your take on this is....
What does love do?
Some people focus on the fallibility of man. They choose to fixate on the fact that man can and surely will fail you, so they don't ever expect much of you. They're content that you had the best of intentions. For these people, their claim is that they've learnt to compensate for the fallibility of men with lowered expectations... happy to accept the bare minimum because expecting more would be unrealistic, in light of how none of us are God.
For me, I believe that the more I count someone as a friend, and the more I claim to love someone, the more my expectations are of the person. Its not an expectation borne out of selfishness. Don't get me wrong. If you tell me you can't give anything, it won't negate the friendship nor the affections I have of you. But because I love you, I won't fixate on how fallible you are, but on how much more you are capable of. If you ultimately fail me, I will accept it, and still love you. But I won't be able to love you while constantly bearing in mind the fact that you will fail me.
If you're my wife, I expect you to remain faithful to me. If you betray me, I will find it somewhere in my heart to forgive you – if I truly loved you. But I cannot imagine myself living day to day with the understanding that you will betray me one day because you are fallen. I cannot imagine loving you without expecting the highest standards of fidelity, and the expectation that you keep to it.
Likewise if you are a friend, I cannot imagining myself confiding in you my deepest and darkest insecurities without having nothing except the most absolute expectation that it is held in the strictest of confidence. I cannot imagine myself ever sharing anything with anyone if at the back of my mind I am already expecting that person to fail me. Semantics aside, I see no practical difference between such a behavior, and a complete lack of genuine trust in that person. If I trust you, I will believe in you. I.e., I will believe that you won't let me down. So much so that even if people tell me otherwise, I won't take their word for it, but seek to verify it for myself.
I'd hate to think that if one day rumor goes round that I've let someone down, that person shrugs it down as human nature, and doesn't have the faith in me to expect better.
Loving someone
I was getting really sick and tired of the expression “That's just how I am.” Why do people think that they can get away with such an excuse? Imagine standing before God on Judgment Day, and telling Him that!
I believe that when we claim to love someone, we put that other person first. There's no room for “that just how I am”, or “that's just how I relate to others”. Imagine if Jesus had taken such a stand, and decided to come down “just the way He is”!!!
If you insist on your point of view because it is an issue of right or wrong, I absolutely respect that. But if you can't be bothered to accommodate the other person's preference, and instead favor your own system of reaching out, then I guess you can stop pretending to love that person. If you refuse to accommodate someone's expectation (within reason, of course) because it doesn't sit down well with you, then you obviously are just in love with yourself.
Its probably something we're all guilty of, to differing degrees. I guess one of the biggest causes of church conflicts and splits is the result of choosing to see things from no other perspective except one's own. Its so easy to see that as a by-stander. How two deacons who fall out with each other over “a matter of principles” is often no different from two kids who wants to play with different games at the fair – nothing's wrong with either, yet they just want to insist on doing it their way. Yet when we ourselves are embroiled in the midst of such a conflict, we doggedly insist on our own way of doing things, and insist on being validated instead of being loving.
So there you go.
Your take?
WHO THE FUCK READS BLOGS?????
Just realised the number of views on my page. Absolutely bewildered by who out there still gets redirected to blogs. Surely no advertisers...
2 comments:
It is hard to comment without knowing the incidnet you were referring to, but well since I am trying to get in the mood for writing, let me hazard a 'stand'.
1) Yes I do not think that we should lower (ever) our expectations of our friends or even loved ones. But we adjust to what they truly are, and still love them, possiblely, at least try maybe? well depends on the individual. And well I do respect that intentions can be good, and outcome bad.. but genuine folly and pre-meditated folly is quite different in my books. Talk is cheap, easy, I can lie as well as any. Really. That is quite irritating sometimes, but I digress....
2)That phrase "That's just how I am!" Probably is very flawed. I mean, of course who you are is who you are, but I think we are also supposed to 'improve' and be more like Christ? Using that line to make us feel that we are right in conflict just doesn't quite cut it, I agree.
Funny thing is, I believe God described Himself as 'I am who I am'. But that's God, He is perfect, He can say that and no one will argue with Him. Us? Far far away lo, from even being close to who He is. So how to use that arguement?
Finally, to those who cause harm to others and say 'well that is how I relate to people' and do not even apologise or try to change, I think they need to rethink a bit, or they may become very friendless.
And to those who choose to expect the worst of people, perhaps they do so because they also know that they themselves are fallible. Perhaps they will become more forgiving? But also perhaps they will also become blind or equally worst, jaded, having lost all hope in mankind.
To me, knowing that Man is man and not God, well thats true and cannot be denied. But we also need to remember that Man is made in the likeness of God, and that God loves us all.
But (since your blog is on love) when it comes to marriage or even any sort of union, every one must decide what they can happily compromise with and what they cannot. Different people prob have different failings etc and different people have different preferences for different depths of relationships. So be it casual friends, colleagues, lovers, etc ... we should try to open our eyes and see people for who they are (and maybe pray for what they will be?) and decide for what level of relationship can I be comfortable with whom?
There is none perfect sure, but (romantic as I am) I believe that there is at least one that both parties can complement well to have a marriage relationship that glorifies God. (And if you think you missed the one, well God will provide, no worries, unless He wants you to be celibate, in which case, I am sure He will also provide that gift).
Lastly some brothers (yeah and sis too) of mine (esp when we were young) yak/joke a lot about what I share, no matter how sensitive the sharing was to me, but yes I try to love them anyway. Irritates the hell out of me sometimes, but hey... I know they will yak so if I still chose to share...err kinda my own fault ya? I know one day they will know what is sensitive and what is not... meanwhile, heh maybe I just need to find better ways to share lor, or find other people to share with =P
Gee I hope I make sense... My writings just not as good as it used to be....
Ok, this might be a tad wierd but...
Vanion, I stumbled on this blog, I hear you.
Friends, church, trade your piano with my guitar, Scandanavia with London and your dad with mine. And viola, my life this past couple of years.
Take care bro,
Jason
ps_274@yahoo.com.sg
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