Been doing some self-reflection lately, and wondering that if I were my friends, how would I describe myself? Then I pause and realize that I don’t seem to really have any friends anymore.
It used to be a very cute inside joke between me and my girlfriend that because of her, I no longer have any friends. Of course, in the early days of the relationship, we had so many issues to overcome, that even if I had time to go meet my friends as in the days of yester, I would not have been able to muster up the strength to be a good company to anyone. So it gradually became accepted that I lost all my friends because of the nature of the relationship that I got into.
The recent days have been days of great upheavals. Whether it be the sorrows of parting for some friends, and of family for others, or whether it be the seemingly contagious disillusionment with the church that appears to be emerging, to the relatively mundane issues of moving away from the church building that I’ve worshipped in for more than 20 years, or the fact that I will FINALLY be going back to school come January… I guess when sobering events happens in and around my life, it always stirs me to once more re-examine my life.
There were 3 big institutions that I once would bank my life on – Friendships, Church and Marriage. And I have been so severely challenged on all 3 fronts that I find myself hanging on to the last bastions of my belief – marriage.
Church has been nothing short of disappointing, in the sense that I fail to distinguish the difference between church and office OTHER than merely content. And as Edmund Chan more than once pointed out, “Truth doesn’t change lives – Truth APPLIED changes lives”. If church differs from the workplace on mere rhetoric, then Christ is better off without His Bride.
Friendships – I came to the sobering realization that things actually haven’t changed all that much for me. The marathon meet-ups that I did with the myriads of souls that I called my friends served to keep me distant from all of them, merely preserving the form of friendship while denying it the substance it deserves. So other than the “friendly masquerade” sessions where we meet up to be nice to and sympathize with each other, basically the quality of friendships that I have in my life hasn’t really changed. I used to meet up with everyone so that I have no time to be real to anyone, and now I just cut right to the chase and not even meet up as much as I used to.
No doubt, there was a small band of friends that I’ve lost along the way, that I’ve come to regret. The few that I have dared to be more honest and real with, where the friendship wasn’t a feel-good session. Friends whom I know I can count on, not for empathy or support, but friends who tell me what I-need-to-but-hate-to hear. Too few of them exist, and to lose even one is a tragedy. Those friendships I will pray that I can redeem.
So where friends and church have left me dry and despairing, marriage is the last institution I cling to. If Christ’s lasting work on earth is to redeem for Himself a Bride, then I guess I can’t be too wrong for picking marriage as the foundation with which to base my hope. But too easily marriage could have been the first that I despair of. Having attended (literally) more weddings than I can count where I’ve questioned the wisdom and prudence of the union, I guess I’ve become a little jaded with the idea of someone who is “meant for you”.
I’ve come to see all relationships as being “what you want”. If you want someone with money, then someone with money becomes “meant for you”. If you want someone whom you can share a deep connection with, then THAT person becomes “meant for you”. If what you want changes, then whoever it is that is “meant for you” also changes. Only a few realize how selfish that is. Maybe that’s why so few stay committed, or stay happy in a commitment.
So its amazing how I can still bank my hopes on marriage as the last bastion of my confidence. But I’ve come to the conclusion that until I have a solid relationship with my partner as the foundation of my life, “doing church” and “doing friends” will either consciously or subconsciously become an opiate, and a way of avoiding the problems. And because I’m such a relational person, if my relationship with my partner falls apart, I will fall apart (as it has been demonstrated before already).
So that’s one thing I’ve learnt abt myself. And that’s why I will place my relationship as a higher priority than friends or church. I’ve taken more than my fair share of flak before because of that, but I think I’ve made my peace with God and myself about this.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Someone today asked me a question.
One of the mantras that I love to use when taking pot shots at church leadership, is that God’s heartbeat is for PEOPLE. In other words, when people are asked to serve in ANY capacity in ministry – even if it is dedicated towards the noblest of causes – when it burns people out, it is a BAD thing. And so one of my primary beef is always that when church leadership is asking people to serve, the primary motivation for ever approaching someone is to plug a gap. Of course, being in the God business long enough teaches you to throw in some sweeteners.
“Serving God helps you grow, it challenges you to use the talents that God has given you.”
“You’re not responding to me, nor serving me. You’re responding to God, and serving Him.” (Implicitly suggesting that if you reject the appeal to plug that gap, you’re actually committing the heinous sin of having betrayed God in an act of abject disobedience.)
“I strongly believe that if you take the step of faith to give to God, you will see how He rewards your obedience and sacrifice.”
Now, all statements such as these are not wrong. And when a pastor or a lay leader of the ministry uses it on you, there will be a certain degree of truth to it. The problem is – I truly believe that at the CORE of their beings, the instinctive preoccupation in their minds when challenging others to serve – their primary concern is still with plugging gaps.
Don’t believe me? List out now the top 5 things we look out for when we’re asking people to serve in any ministry. Some of the criterias will include a disciplined spiritual life, having the right gifts to serve in the ministry (e.g., worship, teaching… etc), leadership qualities, personal character and integrity… etc.
How often does the issue of “how will that person be able to grow in the ministry” come up? I’ll bet that it hardly ever does. Sure, we assume the same statements as those above, that God rewards the obedient and the faithful. But we don’t really apply any due diligence towards ensuring the well-being of our sheep. We simply are happy enough when someone says yes to helping plug the gaps, presumptuously throwing the full burden of the person’s growth in the hands of God.
Of course, the other Great Tendency is to “manage” the sheep as if the church were a corporation. People are “deployed”, and treated as abstract entities where their issues are discussed and resolved. The administrative approach to ministry is one of the greatest get-out-of-jail free card that the church has even invented for itself.
And so we sit back and scratch our heads 18 months down the road when people leave the ministry burnt out and bitter, wondering what went wrong. And even then, what we tend to see are the ruins of the sparkling dreams we had for our ministry, instead of the trail of shattered lives we leave behind.
And my point is that I believe it is this cavalier attitude we have towards people that ranks amongst the top of God’s list for what breaks His heart. God’s heart is for people, and He made it so abundantly clear throughout scripture.
He says when we serve the least of them, we serve Him. The greatest commandment is to love God, and love our neighbor. It is better for us to tie a millstone round our necks and throw ourselves into the sea, than to cause someone to stumble (if we ever practiced this, the church would have no leadership left. Everyone would be out at sea).
God’s Heart Is for People.
Period.
So getting back to the question I was asked today. Someone asked me “So if I really am not a people person, then how?” In other words, if by nature you are not a person who is quick to show compassion and love for people, where does that leave you?
My take? I think it’s a no-brainer question. God also calls us to be holy. Who goes around asking “So if I really am not a holy person, then how?” Of course the answer is that you need to change, and develop what is lacking. I’m not making this about the person who asked this question, but I know many who hide behind the excuse that “I’m not like that”, and think they can get away with abusing that which God holds most dear.
Whether it be the authoritarian who is always very quick to tear down more than to build up, to the nonchalant leader who is a parable of the missing dad (doesn’t see the sheep as being worth their time, and so feeds them only the spare scraps of time dished out), people hide behind the excuse “I’m not like that” and think they are therefore exonerated from blame for failing to treat people as people.
It also means that you cannot hide behind the excuse that by nature you prefer be alone, and that you're not good with people.
To those out there who ask such questions – if you’re not a people person, you have no other option than to force yourself to be one, making each day a learnig exercise until you master the art of being one whose heart beats with God’s.
In other words, fake it till you make it.
One of the mantras that I love to use when taking pot shots at church leadership, is that God’s heartbeat is for PEOPLE. In other words, when people are asked to serve in ANY capacity in ministry – even if it is dedicated towards the noblest of causes – when it burns people out, it is a BAD thing. And so one of my primary beef is always that when church leadership is asking people to serve, the primary motivation for ever approaching someone is to plug a gap. Of course, being in the God business long enough teaches you to throw in some sweeteners.
“Serving God helps you grow, it challenges you to use the talents that God has given you.”
“You’re not responding to me, nor serving me. You’re responding to God, and serving Him.” (Implicitly suggesting that if you reject the appeal to plug that gap, you’re actually committing the heinous sin of having betrayed God in an act of abject disobedience.)
“I strongly believe that if you take the step of faith to give to God, you will see how He rewards your obedience and sacrifice.”
Now, all statements such as these are not wrong. And when a pastor or a lay leader of the ministry uses it on you, there will be a certain degree of truth to it. The problem is – I truly believe that at the CORE of their beings, the instinctive preoccupation in their minds when challenging others to serve – their primary concern is still with plugging gaps.
Don’t believe me? List out now the top 5 things we look out for when we’re asking people to serve in any ministry. Some of the criterias will include a disciplined spiritual life, having the right gifts to serve in the ministry (e.g., worship, teaching… etc), leadership qualities, personal character and integrity… etc.
How often does the issue of “how will that person be able to grow in the ministry” come up? I’ll bet that it hardly ever does. Sure, we assume the same statements as those above, that God rewards the obedient and the faithful. But we don’t really apply any due diligence towards ensuring the well-being of our sheep. We simply are happy enough when someone says yes to helping plug the gaps, presumptuously throwing the full burden of the person’s growth in the hands of God.
Of course, the other Great Tendency is to “manage” the sheep as if the church were a corporation. People are “deployed”, and treated as abstract entities where their issues are discussed and resolved. The administrative approach to ministry is one of the greatest get-out-of-jail free card that the church has even invented for itself.
And so we sit back and scratch our heads 18 months down the road when people leave the ministry burnt out and bitter, wondering what went wrong. And even then, what we tend to see are the ruins of the sparkling dreams we had for our ministry, instead of the trail of shattered lives we leave behind.
And my point is that I believe it is this cavalier attitude we have towards people that ranks amongst the top of God’s list for what breaks His heart. God’s heart is for people, and He made it so abundantly clear throughout scripture.
He says when we serve the least of them, we serve Him. The greatest commandment is to love God, and love our neighbor. It is better for us to tie a millstone round our necks and throw ourselves into the sea, than to cause someone to stumble (if we ever practiced this, the church would have no leadership left. Everyone would be out at sea).
God’s Heart Is for People.
Period.
So getting back to the question I was asked today. Someone asked me “So if I really am not a people person, then how?” In other words, if by nature you are not a person who is quick to show compassion and love for people, where does that leave you?
My take? I think it’s a no-brainer question. God also calls us to be holy. Who goes around asking “So if I really am not a holy person, then how?” Of course the answer is that you need to change, and develop what is lacking. I’m not making this about the person who asked this question, but I know many who hide behind the excuse that “I’m not like that”, and think they can get away with abusing that which God holds most dear.
Whether it be the authoritarian who is always very quick to tear down more than to build up, to the nonchalant leader who is a parable of the missing dad (doesn’t see the sheep as being worth their time, and so feeds them only the spare scraps of time dished out), people hide behind the excuse “I’m not like that” and think they are therefore exonerated from blame for failing to treat people as people.
It also means that you cannot hide behind the excuse that by nature you prefer be alone, and that you're not good with people.
To those out there who ask such questions – if you’re not a people person, you have no other option than to force yourself to be one, making each day a learnig exercise until you master the art of being one whose heart beats with God’s.
In other words, fake it till you make it.
Saturday, October 04, 2008
Seeing Rather Dimly
WOW.
Its been so long since I’ve been back. Yet, with all that’s been going on around me, I’ve felt compelled to once again return to this haven and pen my thoughts, in the hope that it might help me to better sort out the conflicting thoughts that have been circling in my mind.
Ever since the IDMC conference, I’ve once again felt something in my heart that I feared had died a long time ago – a burden for the church. Sure, I still serve in ministry, and do my fair bit like most in church… but its been so long since I would feel a pain that eats at me when I see how much the church is under-achieving, and the way with which it seems doomed to perpetually live in the shadow of its history, never learning from the mistakes of the past.
Yes – the church in so many ways, reminds me of myself.
Maybe it’s a mixture of the IDMC conference and the “power” of Edmund Chan, as well as the fact that I seem to once more be taking more pro-active steps to finally get my life back in order (for the 6261365213623765th time, it needs to be pointed out), but looking at the condition of my church today, what had become just a numbed acceptance of the situation has slowly been replaced once again by a deep sorrow and inner lament.
Each altar that we’ve built as a congregation to remind us of the milestones that God had led us through, now serves as a reminder of the mockery we’ve made of His grace and providence. Like the Israelites that wandered in the desert for 40 years, never seeming to come to grips with the mighty God who showed such patience with them, they lived in the shadows of their mistakes until they all passed away in the wilderness.
I wonder – is that also going to be our fate, doomed to never reach the promised land? Maybe our job is really to let the next generation find us faithful, leaving behind a legacy for them that outlives every one of us who started out on this journey. Or perhaps that’s just my faithlessness once again rearing its ugly head.
I look at my Life Group, made up of really nice people, whose relationship with each other resembles a classroom of friends more than that of a community that’s focused on impacting lives for Christ. I look at the whole church that seems more intent on infrastructures and what Edmund Chan calls “superstructures” (outward appearances of accomplishments), than on building the inner lives of its members. I look at my own powerless and lifeless existence, and ask myself who do I think I am, that I should be even saying such things. Yet there is such an overwhelming emotion welling up inside of me, that all of this is WRONG.
Everyone tells me that the grass inevitably looks greener on the other side, and that as long as we dig deep into the “success stories” of other churches, we’ll always find the same banal humanity that lives in our church. “Its really not that different, you’ll see”, they tell me. And I understand what they’re saying. As long as the church is made up of creatures who live a life of “total depravity”, things will never be perfect in a church. But to hide behind the excuse of the imperfection of man, and to therefore cease the fighting the good fight, that’s not a solution either. Why should we be afraid of examining the shortfalls of our church, and learn from the principles of other churches who are strong in those areas?
Part of the confusion stems from the fact that the “sheep” can’t seem to be able to make up their minds about the state and condition of their spiritual lives, and the condition of the church. Its as if a veil has been placed over their eyes, that they see rather dimly. We seem unable to differentiate between what is really apathy towards the condition that is plaguing our church, and showing grace towards the limitations of the church. So when we should speak up in order to change things for the better, we withhold whatever sounds like criticism, and allow the status quo to continue.
So we deceive ourselves into a comfortable rhythm of a life that requires no sacrifice nor commitment from our church, in exchange for the promise that they in turn will demand nothing from us. Even those in leadership positions are not spared. We cannot distinguish between empathy for the pastors, and what genuine support for them should look like, and the general apathy that keeps us from genuine change. Instead of sacrificing our own time and effort on lasting change, we also do what we accuse our pastors of doing – we fight fires. We spend our time fighting the fires in ministry, instead of sitting down with our pastors and working through with them the causes of these fires.
Maybe its because that hat would take too much effort, and we feel we lack the wisdom to start. Maybe its because we're too hurt to care for our pastors, or to even care. Maybe its because we feel its a hopeless fight, and we should either move to another church like so many have done, or just stay and "do the best we can" with the present system.
I’m praying that this would change. I ask myself if I should do anything, since I seem to be the one who sees the problem. But I come up against the same excuse as all those who have walked this path before me – I don’t think anyone would listen, and I really have no idea where to start and what to do.
Lord, give me wisdom and help me to see how I can start. Show me how to pray for the church, and what I can start doing.
Its been so long since I’ve been back. Yet, with all that’s been going on around me, I’ve felt compelled to once again return to this haven and pen my thoughts, in the hope that it might help me to better sort out the conflicting thoughts that have been circling in my mind.
Ever since the IDMC conference, I’ve once again felt something in my heart that I feared had died a long time ago – a burden for the church. Sure, I still serve in ministry, and do my fair bit like most in church… but its been so long since I would feel a pain that eats at me when I see how much the church is under-achieving, and the way with which it seems doomed to perpetually live in the shadow of its history, never learning from the mistakes of the past.
Yes – the church in so many ways, reminds me of myself.
Maybe it’s a mixture of the IDMC conference and the “power” of Edmund Chan, as well as the fact that I seem to once more be taking more pro-active steps to finally get my life back in order (for the 6261365213623765th time, it needs to be pointed out), but looking at the condition of my church today, what had become just a numbed acceptance of the situation has slowly been replaced once again by a deep sorrow and inner lament.
Each altar that we’ve built as a congregation to remind us of the milestones that God had led us through, now serves as a reminder of the mockery we’ve made of His grace and providence. Like the Israelites that wandered in the desert for 40 years, never seeming to come to grips with the mighty God who showed such patience with them, they lived in the shadows of their mistakes until they all passed away in the wilderness.
I wonder – is that also going to be our fate, doomed to never reach the promised land? Maybe our job is really to let the next generation find us faithful, leaving behind a legacy for them that outlives every one of us who started out on this journey. Or perhaps that’s just my faithlessness once again rearing its ugly head.
I look at my Life Group, made up of really nice people, whose relationship with each other resembles a classroom of friends more than that of a community that’s focused on impacting lives for Christ. I look at the whole church that seems more intent on infrastructures and what Edmund Chan calls “superstructures” (outward appearances of accomplishments), than on building the inner lives of its members. I look at my own powerless and lifeless existence, and ask myself who do I think I am, that I should be even saying such things. Yet there is such an overwhelming emotion welling up inside of me, that all of this is WRONG.
Everyone tells me that the grass inevitably looks greener on the other side, and that as long as we dig deep into the “success stories” of other churches, we’ll always find the same banal humanity that lives in our church. “Its really not that different, you’ll see”, they tell me. And I understand what they’re saying. As long as the church is made up of creatures who live a life of “total depravity”, things will never be perfect in a church. But to hide behind the excuse of the imperfection of man, and to therefore cease the fighting the good fight, that’s not a solution either. Why should we be afraid of examining the shortfalls of our church, and learn from the principles of other churches who are strong in those areas?
Part of the confusion stems from the fact that the “sheep” can’t seem to be able to make up their minds about the state and condition of their spiritual lives, and the condition of the church. Its as if a veil has been placed over their eyes, that they see rather dimly. We seem unable to differentiate between what is really apathy towards the condition that is plaguing our church, and showing grace towards the limitations of the church. So when we should speak up in order to change things for the better, we withhold whatever sounds like criticism, and allow the status quo to continue.
So we deceive ourselves into a comfortable rhythm of a life that requires no sacrifice nor commitment from our church, in exchange for the promise that they in turn will demand nothing from us. Even those in leadership positions are not spared. We cannot distinguish between empathy for the pastors, and what genuine support for them should look like, and the general apathy that keeps us from genuine change. Instead of sacrificing our own time and effort on lasting change, we also do what we accuse our pastors of doing – we fight fires. We spend our time fighting the fires in ministry, instead of sitting down with our pastors and working through with them the causes of these fires.
Maybe its because that hat would take too much effort, and we feel we lack the wisdom to start. Maybe its because we're too hurt to care for our pastors, or to even care. Maybe its because we feel its a hopeless fight, and we should either move to another church like so many have done, or just stay and "do the best we can" with the present system.
I’m praying that this would change. I ask myself if I should do anything, since I seem to be the one who sees the problem. But I come up against the same excuse as all those who have walked this path before me – I don’t think anyone would listen, and I really have no idea where to start and what to do.
Lord, give me wisdom and help me to see how I can start. Show me how to pray for the church, and what I can start doing.
Monday, July 07, 2008
Every Road Pay
It takes something really drastic to break my silence on my blog. And this has been by far one of the funniest emails I've ever received from my friend.
ERP in 2010
ERP in 2015
The Next Big Thing...
And After That...
ERP in 2010
ERP in 2015
The Next Big Thing...
And After That...
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Back From The Dead
Hehz... there were a few who rrecently remarked to me that that this blog has finally started living up to its name. Ah well. What can I say, I'm a man of foresight.
But yes, its scary how fast time flies. And a quick glance at my past entries also makes me think just how much flown past me that I have forgotten, as compared to those signifiant times that I managed to document here.
*sigh*
Ah well. Guess its still Jan, I'm still in time for New Year Resolutions. So... for all its worth... I'm making a resolution to try to make some time to put down less nonsense, and chronicle some of the more significant events and epiphanies that I have had... that I may be able to look back on the year and not arrive at a blank.
I just attended Jelaine's wedding on sunday. My JC classmate, Jel was always the fellow-christian in the class that I knew I could count on, to be praying for the class. Its been ten years since graduation. Hanson & Yenli are married. Marcus, Vanda and Ray are already married. Cheryl is getting married this saturday. Oh boy. My class has really grown up.
I've missed my class. Somehow we have a very easy frendship that has managed to survive despite the fact that we only meet up a couple of times a year. And its inevitable but sad to see that with each passing year, less and less people show up. I've also been guilty of missing a couple of class gatherings.
Ah well. Nostalgia at the start of the year...
Gosh, its been so long tht I don't even know how to blog anymore, other than just putting down random thoughts and events that have happened.
My contract with Reuters is up on 26th Feb. Barring a fantastic new offer that they might make me, the more realistic expectation is that I'll be leaving the company. The place has just become so absolutely unbearable. I realise I'm a person who really cannot stand working in a place when I cannot stand the people there. Maybe that's why I detest army so much.
Ah well.
Anyone wanna hire me after Feb?
But yes, its scary how fast time flies. And a quick glance at my past entries also makes me think just how much flown past me that I have forgotten, as compared to those signifiant times that I managed to document here.
*sigh*
Ah well. Guess its still Jan, I'm still in time for New Year Resolutions. So... for all its worth... I'm making a resolution to try to make some time to put down less nonsense, and chronicle some of the more significant events and epiphanies that I have had... that I may be able to look back on the year and not arrive at a blank.
I just attended Jelaine's wedding on sunday. My JC classmate, Jel was always the fellow-christian in the class that I knew I could count on, to be praying for the class. Its been ten years since graduation. Hanson & Yenli are married. Marcus, Vanda and Ray are already married. Cheryl is getting married this saturday. Oh boy. My class has really grown up.
I've missed my class. Somehow we have a very easy frendship that has managed to survive despite the fact that we only meet up a couple of times a year. And its inevitable but sad to see that with each passing year, less and less people show up. I've also been guilty of missing a couple of class gatherings.
Ah well. Nostalgia at the start of the year...
Gosh, its been so long tht I don't even know how to blog anymore, other than just putting down random thoughts and events that have happened.
My contract with Reuters is up on 26th Feb. Barring a fantastic new offer that they might make me, the more realistic expectation is that I'll be leaving the company. The place has just become so absolutely unbearable. I realise I'm a person who really cannot stand working in a place when I cannot stand the people there. Maybe that's why I detest army so much.
Ah well.
Anyone wanna hire me after Feb?
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WHO THE FUCK READS BLOGS?????
Just realised the number of views on my page. Absolutely bewildered by who out there still gets redirected to blogs. Surely no advertisers...
