Who I Now Am

Been doing some self-reflection lately, and wondering that if I were my friends, how would I describe myself? Then I pause and realize that I don’t seem to really have any friends anymore.

It used to be a very cute inside joke between me and my girlfriend that because of her, I no longer have any friends. Of course, in the early days of the relationship, we had so many issues to overcome, that even if I had time to go meet my friends as in the days of yester, I would not have been able to muster up the strength to be a good company to anyone. So it gradually became accepted that I lost all my friends because of the nature of the relationship that I got into.

The recent days have been days of great upheavals. Whether it be the sorrows of parting for some friends, and of family for others, or whether it be the seemingly contagious disillusionment with the church that appears to be emerging, to the relatively mundane issues of moving away from the church building that I’ve worshipped in for more than 20 years, or the fact that I will FINALLY be going back to school come January… I guess when sobering events happens in and around my life, it always stirs me to once more re-examine my life.

There were 3 big institutions that I once would bank my life on – Friendships, Church and Marriage. And I have been so severely challenged on all 3 fronts that I find myself hanging on to the last bastions of my belief – marriage.

Church has been nothing short of disappointing, in the sense that I fail to distinguish the difference between church and office OTHER than merely content. And as Edmund Chan more than once pointed out, “Truth doesn’t change lives – Truth APPLIED changes lives”. If church differs from the workplace on mere rhetoric, then Christ is better off without His Bride.

Friendships – I came to the sobering realization that things actually haven’t changed all that much for me. The marathon meet-ups that I did with the myriads of souls that I called my friends served to keep me distant from all of them, merely preserving the form of friendship while denying it the substance it deserves. So other than the “friendly masquerade” sessions where we meet up to be nice to and sympathize with each other, basically the quality of friendships that I have in my life hasn’t really changed. I used to meet up with everyone so that I have no time to be real to anyone, and now I just cut right to the chase and not even meet up as much as I used to.

No doubt, there was a small band of friends that I’ve lost along the way, that I’ve come to regret. The few that I have dared to be more honest and real with, where the friendship wasn’t a feel-good session. Friends whom I know I can count on, not for empathy or support, but friends who tell me what I-need-to-but-hate-to hear. Too few of them exist, and to lose even one is a tragedy. Those friendships I will pray that I can redeem.

So where friends and church have left me dry and despairing, marriage is the last institution I cling to. If Christ’s lasting work on earth is to redeem for Himself a Bride, then I guess I can’t be too wrong for picking marriage as the foundation with which to base my hope. But too easily marriage could have been the first that I despair of. Having attended (literally) more weddings than I can count where I’ve questioned the wisdom and prudence of the union, I guess I’ve become a little jaded with the idea of someone who is “meant for you”.

I’ve come to see all relationships as being “what you want”. If you want someone with money, then someone with money becomes “meant for you”. If you want someone whom you can share a deep connection with, then THAT person becomes “meant for you”. If what you want changes, then whoever it is that is “meant for you” also changes. Only a few realize how selfish that is. Maybe that’s why so few stay committed, or stay happy in a commitment.

So its amazing how I can still bank my hopes on marriage as the last bastion of my confidence. But I’ve come to the conclusion that until I have a solid relationship with my partner as the foundation of my life, “doing church” and “doing friends” will either consciously or subconsciously become an opiate, and a way of avoiding the problems. And because I’m such a relational person, if my relationship with my partner falls apart, I will fall apart (as it has been demonstrated before already).

So that’s one thing I’ve learnt abt myself. And that’s why I will place my relationship as a higher priority than friends or church. I’ve taken more than my fair share of flak before because of that, but I think I’ve made my peace with God and myself about this.